I'm about to say, "ITS OVER"

[kmy]

Me and my gf has been in a 5yr long distance(200miles) relationship and this year its just getting worse and worse...ESPECI ALLY TONIGHT. Thats what made me come in here and discuss this with you guys. I'm planning to married her this spring/summer but I feel she's making me drifting away from her. Like every relationship there are UPs and Downs, pretty normal.

Now "the problem". I'll make it short as I can bc to explain things I can write a 10 page essay and not even half way done. The problem that brought me here tonight is somehow we got to the subject of talking about things that we regret from the past. Even b4 we met each other. So she asked me first(she brought this subject up not me) what did I regret about in the past including child hood. As honest as I can, I said I regret a "little" about not giving my friend's sister a chance back in high school when she said her hearts open for a love one and at that time she and her friends was aiming for me specifically. She "WAS" waiting for the Q from me but I backed out. So all of a sudden my gf just got deeper and deeper into this "regret" that I have. The thing is if its just a Q that my gf ask me I should just answer her and maybe she might ask me, "How come I dont give her a chance or something", then its all good and normal conversation. Instead she went on saying stuff like, "Oh relly wow now you tell me that you regret on her?"."geez, I wonder what else I'm gonna find out more about you in the future?" " damn, I didn't know that you still have this BIG regret about a girl back in highschool"....etc....Que stions from Jelousy. And her tone of voice is getting AGGRESSIVE with ANGER. This is not a once in a while thing so DONT SAY ITS NORMAL. I get this shit ALMOST everyday now.

I'm just SOOOOOOOO freaken tire of her asking me a Q and if she's NOT satisfied with it then she gets pissed off and turn the whole story around use it against me as it just happen right now. Is it just my gf or is all relationship like that? I mean, once in a while is fine but like 9 out of 10 conversation is SHIT LIKE THIS everyday. Making me backing off the marriage plan. I'm 24, she's 21. I'm her first bf, she's my 2nd gf.

Do I really have to take this bullshit almost everyday or deserve someone who truly knows how I feel and treats me right?
ANOTHER thing is that every time my parents know I have problems with my gf I get a LONG 20-30mins LECTURE all the time. Honestly, they DONT like my gf bc we argue too much. Other than that they do like her too. But anyways, I'm just soo FREAKEN TIRE of this shit like this from her. I told her a few times to think b4 she talk she said, "yea, but this is how I am & I CANT change". That line makes me think instantly, I dont want that kinda wife. As the elderly people say, even a VERY goody girl will turn out 10x worse in the future. So for my situation I'd say she'll be 100x WORSE in the future especially when she knows that I'm her husband and I can't let her go. She might punish me like a prisoner, right? 

I'm just so lost in my crappy relationship right now. Any advice.......? (moving on will be the last thing I'll do)

[NkaujNom]

The past is utterly deadly. If two people cannot accept their pasts, they are not capable of genuinely loving one another until they compromise forgiveness. People have the ability to change for the better them, they just choose not to usually out of denial or stubbornness.

If she cannot listen to what people say to or about her, especially you, that is something to reconsider if you're anticipating on marrying her. Both must be able to work with one another to be in a firm marriage. If they're both running in separate directions, it won't work until one of them stops and agrees to support the other.

[lifemystery]

Women enjoys treating men helpless/defenseless when it comes down to situation similar to yours.

[j-man]

This is when the women doesn't really care about you much in her life so she does or says whatever.....s he knows what she's doing....every girl does. I'd advise you to think twice or you're gonna end up regretting. I mean c'mon, she  knows ya will get married right and she's acting like a that.......you need to let her know that you can find someone.

[yuknowthat]

  that's just a little tease and you already scared!...

just say this "change your attitude!" or it ain't going to work..

[Jubi]

nevermind. good luck to you guys. 

[PojNiamLubSiab]

well from my point of view, maybe she's just worried that you might still have feelings for the other girl. or anyone else. what girl would like knowing that she's entering a marriage w/a man that still has lingering feelings for someone else. I know I wouldn't like it if the hubby lied to me but then again, something small like that,you shouldn't even have brought it up to her.

People can change and if she's not willing to then she won't be able to manage your marriage w/u. everything is about changing and adapting. you just need to either a) be patient and reassure her that u love her and only have her or b) give her an ultimatum haha..

good luck

[Pineapple]

Hmmm...first thing I see is that you are her first boyfriend.  She wants all the attention from you.  Anything from your past will totally get to her because she's the inexperience.  She's curious and wants to know your history with women (how you dated, how you court women, presents or gifts you've given them).  If you bring up something like regetting to date chick 1 or chick 2 due of this and that, of course she's going to feel like she isn't good enough for you.  She doesn't know what regretting in a relationship is or someone who could have been.  She'll think you're just dating her as a rebound or that she's just a cushion to you why you still think about the regrets.  Eventually after that pissed off phase pass, she'll settle herself down and talk sweet to you again. 

Now, if you marry her, my assumption is you will be experiencing a lot of tamtrum from her and she will like to twist things around back at you because you are her first boyfriend-to-be-husband.  She won't learn how to treat you the way you want to be treated until maybe a couple years into marriage.  If you have a big heart, you'll be able to handle her.  If she brings up your past or ask you about your past, it's best to just give her the silent treatment or tell her you don't want talk about it.  She'll probably nag you and even say that you're hiding and keeping secrets.  Truth is, you know nothing ever comes out good if you bring up your past even if you are as honest as you can be.  If you do tell or talk about your past and she's pissed off, you better know how to control yourself from being pissed at her being pissed off.  Words cut deep and they do last forever too, even if those words were just spoken out of anger.  If both of you can't control yourself from this behavior, both of you will bring up any past history that had scarred you in the relationship to the present and it can break the marriage, because non of your two know how to respect eachother.

Here is something else to consider.  Is her mother the same way?  Is her sister supportive of her attitude and the way to treat their s/o?  How does her brother treat their girlfriends?  What kind of quality does she really have that you really love about her? I only mention this because siblings/family have a very big influence in the way one learns and carry themselves.  If someday you should come across a problem between the two of you...small/big it's good to know that your spouse's family are positive influence and not negative influence.  About the qualities...ma ybe you dislike how she's turning your words back at you almost all the time but then she's probably a very loving person to children, always have food ready for the family, always keep clean linen on the bed...etc.  These simple things that sometimes gets overlook can be some of the most rewarding luxuries that makes you love someone so much.  Just because of those simple things, you can withstand her words of twisting...but you probably just don't realize it.

Anyways, it's still up to you...just be wise and know what you're getting yourself into and what you're willing to invest into.

[PojNiamLubSiab]

My step-dad who passed away once told me when i was dating that you should date many many men/women so that you have options/choices so you can choose the right one. Not just go with the first one you see/date and that's it.

That's true. Later on you will want to experience dating/ txoj kev ua hluas/ua si etc and you won't be able to bc you're married.....yo ung.

[Lady_Fallin]

  I tease my bf all the time about his exes.  It probably drives him nuts too.

Anyways, five years is a lot of investment in a relationship.  If you're going to let go because she's a bit jealous, then it's not worth continuing anymore.  You'll just get fed up with her eventually and wonder why the heck you stay.  However, I want you to think of the good things about her that allowed you to keep loving her over these five years. 

Did you even ask her why she felt angry?  Or why she reacted the way she did?  I've been dating the bf for 4 years, and sometimes I just feel like he's not as loving as he use to be, and so I get grumpy. Maybe after so long, the sparks are kind of... sizzled out.  Time to put on the charm, and woo again.  

Perspective and communication. .. That's all.

[Ishida]

Me and my gf has been in a 5yr long distance(200miles) relationship and this year its just getting worse and worse...ESPECI ALLY TONIGHT. Thats what made me come in here and discuss this with you guys. I'm planning to married her this spring/summer but I feel she's making me drifting away from her. Like every relationship there are UPs and Downs, pretty normal.

Now "the problem". I'll make it short as I can bc to explain things I can write a 10 page essay and not even half way done. The problem that brought me here tonight is somehow we got to the subject of talking about things that we regret from the past. Even b4 we met each other. So she asked me first(she brought this subject up not me) what did I regret about in the past including child hood. As honest as I can, I said I regret a "little" about not giving my friend's sister a chance back in high school when she said her hearts open for a love one and at that time she and her friends was aiming for me specifically. She "WAS" waiting for the Q from me but I backed out. So all of a sudden my gf just got deeper and deeper into this "regret" that I have. The thing is if its just a Q that my gf ask me I should just answer her and maybe she might ask me, "How come I dont give her a chance or something", then its all good and normal conversation. Instead she went on saying stuff like, "Oh relly wow now you tell me that you regret on her?"."geez, I wonder what else I'm gonna find out more about you in the future?" " damn, I didn't know that you still have this BIG regret about a girl back in highschool"....etc....Que stions from Jelousy. And her tone of voice is getting AGGRESSIVE with ANGER. This is not a once in a while thing so DONT SAY ITS NORMAL. I get this shit ALMOST everyday now.

I'm just SOOOOOOOO freaken tire of her asking me a Q and if she's NOT satisfied with it then she gets pissed off and turn the whole story around use it against me as it just happen right now. Is it just my gf or is all relationship like that? I mean, once in a while is fine but like 9 out of 10 conversation is SHIT LIKE THIS everyday. Making me backing off the marriage plan. I'm 24, she's 21. I'm her first bf, she's my 2nd gf.

Do I really have to take this bullshit almost everyday or deserve someone who truly knows how I feel and treats me right?
ANOTHER thing is that every time my parents know I have problems with my gf I get a LONG 20-30mins LECTURE all the time. Honestly, they DONT like my gf bc we argue too much. Other than that they do like her too. But anyways, I'm just soo FREAKEN TIRE of this shit like this from her. I told her a few times to think b4 she talk she said, "yea, but this is how I am & I CANT change". That line makes me think instantly, I dont want that kinda wife. As the elderly people say, even a VERY goody girl will turn out 10x worse in the future. So for my situation I'd say she'll be 100x WORSE in the future especially when she knows that I'm her husband and I can't let her go. She might punish me like a prisoner, right? 

I'm just so lost in my crappy relationship right now. Any advice.......? (moving on will be the last thing I'll do)

Dang Brah!!!...if its this bad and you 2 are still young...Dayumm mm!!!...Just wait til you get older..once you get married, you're gonna be living in hell and why put yourself through that BS...!

My advice...First thing!...
#1 - why the F*CK are you planning to get married anyways!?..you're still sooo young and she's just 21 dude!..don't rush it mang!...

#2 - you gotta put her in check, not physically...b ut let her know how you feel...and if she don't wanna change, then hey...dont' stick around...

#3 - Im not a professional at relationships, but trust me!...I have siblings that went through hell like your situation, and they didn't last...and you 2 aint gonna last as well...Truth!

[boO]

First you need to ask yourself a couple of questions:

- Does the pros outweigh the cons?
- Can you foresee herself being a good wife, mother and daughter-in-law?
- What are the main reasons you are with her right now?
- Are you only staying with her due to history?

Your relationship with your gf lacks the basic fundamentals that would help sustain the relationship. Instead of growing together for the better as the relationship progress you guys are still stuck in the initial phrase of a relationship.  That too me indicate warning bells already.

Good luck!

[SV1985]

Do it.

[kmy]

She came from a family that I'd say kinda careless. When I started dating her her parents are still together. Now they are divorce for about 2 yrs now bc her dad kept going to Laos. Since then, pretty much mom only handle the kids and they are getting OUT OF CONTROL. What I mean is, all brothers beating the youngest one, all bros hahaing at mom, my gf physical fighting with them for dumb reasons, etc... So there's no authorities in the family and pretty much everybody is on their own. Mom is a little careless too. I can take her out as long as I want, I can sleep at their house...etc. and yes, her mom do like me. Its up to me to control whether I want to be a good boy that knows whats right or wrong or be a baddy boy that takes her out all night til morning.

My parents do tell me a lot about her family's background. Its ok but my dad TOTALLY would NOT recommand me marrying her. I dont want to say anything bad but its the best way to explain it. Her mom is kinda a baddy now. She re-married a guy but just so that that guy could stay in the usa(he suppose to go back to Laos). And that dud is barely at their house. He also lives out of town(5hr drive). So thats their background. My parents tells me a lot about watching her family side too for future reference. I think a lot about it thats why I'm here on pebhmong.com.

What I like about her...
Of course shes sweet & beautiful. Sweetest girl I've ever met. Her laughter calms me down & makes me smile. She has brighten my life a lot since I met her. A hard working person. Keeps her promises. She loves cooking. Loves families/kids.

What I DONT like..
this problem that we're talking about. Has called me "poor" in hmong b4(and my dad was totally not happy with that). Has called me a "dog" in hmong b4(again, dad heard it). Has called my little 5yr old brother "Lazy Bastard" in hmong when she was over and she ask my lil bro to wash the dishes and he said no. I know she was just joking but when you're a guest at someones house you dont tell them what to do and if they dont do it you call them "Lazy Bastard" in hmong. MOST IMPORTANTLY, She has cheated on one once. Started out as "friends". I told her stop talking to guys its you gonna cheat on me one day. She kept telling me its just a "Friend". Few months later she told me dont call her again. She decided to choose the other guy. Thats about 2-3yrs into our relationship already. I somehow convince her back. she has asked me to move-out of my parents already & we're not even married yet. <-- that , we got in an argument too.

...and to whoever say that I may re-register and post a new thread here. You're full of shit. This has always been my account. I just dont sign in much to post. Pebhmong is not my daily access website. I could register 5yrs ago and only posted 2 threads and still see me as a newbie.

To be honest, my parents TU SIAB RAU KUV TAG bc I date a girl that doesn't understand me at all. Now they're just going with the flow with me & my girl bc they hate us soo much when we argue a lot. They dont care if I married her or not right now. I can see her being a "good wife" but will do it with arguments. Especially when she knows I'm her husband and can't run anywhere. In other words, I'm afraid that she will tsim kuv in the future.

Overall, I have to be honest to myself. There are more CONS then PROS. Can I let her go? Mostly, yes.

[kmy]

.......you need to let her know that you can find someone.

thank you, I really like what you said there.
I guess I'm soo stressed out that I dont even have that in mind, Sigh.