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Author Topic: Fighting For My Life  (Read 103668 times)

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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #255 on: May 29, 2019, 02:07:59 AM »
There was this spirit or soul or ... I heard or overheard

It said something like, or somehow I felt it was like

There was this sad man but hopeful
He was kind but frightful
He made choices, so much sacrifices
He chanced it all on the dream of love

There was this woman, deserving affection
She was torn but willing to change direction
She offered a hand, offered a shoulder to stand
She chanced it all on the dream from above

A time of love, broken promises
A time of love, all this time amiss us
Steel this wall of this heartache
Feel this fall of this heartbreak

...and I awoke
perhaps it was subconscious or a mishmash of memories
perhaps its a yearning or crash of the heart's desires

...to a whisper

A time of love, to renew promises
A time of love, all the time and wishes
Break this wall of this heartache
Shake this fall of this heartbreak




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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

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Offline WildRedLotus

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #256 on: May 29, 2019, 10:12:02 AM »
Thank you... ;)



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #257 on: May 29, 2019, 02:51:16 PM »



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #258 on: May 29, 2019, 02:55:14 PM »
I think I've forgotten how to fight for my love....of life.

I used to be inspired to create art...art of life.  The feelings poured into it.  The hope that someone who sees it will somehow feel a fraction of it.

I used to enjoy fishing...art of life.  I pretend to be a part of the life cycle of how people in old times would fish to survive.

I used to enjoy working...art of life.  I once decided to work in a temp agency to do odd jobs and ends.  I thought about how people toil daily to earn a wage.

Oh how I've forgotten so much...



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #259 on: May 30, 2019, 12:32:43 AM »
Love as it is or should be or what I perceive it as ambiguous as in the simplicity of it's complexity.

We are living, breathing and ever changing.  So to will our love be changing whether it is for some simple materialism or some complexity of humanity.   Love is not something that we get in return or seek to ask for.  I believe this is what we misunderstood or exactly what people misunderstands about me.  In correlation it is like if I helped you a stranger in need.  I do it because it is in my nature to do it.  I am not seeking any recompense in return.  I hope that if the next stranger or me, who is in need of help, that you will be able to provide assistance and not seek anything else in return for that.  Family, I did just so in my life.  I helped each and everyone of my siblings and my parents in ways that I did not ask for any recompense in return.  Yet in my time of need, they all place some kind of conditions or reasons why they are unwilling to help me.  I am currently in a situation that I cannot any longer help any of them.  As such that I may have been self sufficient independently for a long time, but I am still only human and able to only do so much alone.  This comes back to love.  I am only one person and my love can only go so far.

At times love can manifest as endless as can be, being unconditional.  There is a finite to it.  For simplicity if I love a rock.  Yes I may feel spiritual or aesthetic fulfillment at first.  I may spend years caring and tending that rock.  There may come a time when that rock is only a hindrance and deterrent in my life.  The unrequited love has run it's course.  All this is the limitation of a static unchanging love.  There is an end.

Love is dynamic.  It is seeded, cultivated, and grows.  That cycle is repeated in multifaceted forms.  Loving a person is something like this.  Your love has to be fluid and alive in it's own nature.  That is the relationship I have with love, and the relationship that I wish to share with another person.  The caveat is that Love waits for no one.

I failed or rather entrusted my love towards someone who leeched me faster than I could seed, cultivate, and grow love.  My unconditional love ran dry.  I did not have enough foresight.  My entire life of planning and preparations was so easily consumed in a relatively short time.  Love is fragile.  It is tender and easily broken.  My love for that other person, my love for my family.  That was not a living love, it never grew into anything.  They only wanted a static form, unyielding, unchanging stubborn love.

Yet as my though process is heavily westernized influence, I see that in application of that limitation as well.  If we correlate love like that of ying yang more so like an Asian philosophy in sentiment.  We apply it more in a dynamic form and finding that balance that benefits not just ourselves but even to that of others.  The push and pull, the flexibility and firmness, the fluidity and solidarity of a form of relationship with that of love, with that of another person.  Even the ying yang symbolism doesn't fully encompass this because it is a static pictorial representation .  In life it will have an ebb and flow of ying or yang.  One will overpower the other, but should never fully consume the other.  Then needs to come back to a state of equilibrium and ebb and flow again.  That state of equilibrium and coming back to it, is very important.  This is where Asian dynamic love is definitive from the westernized dynamic love.  For example your love for your mother as the state of equilibrium in ying yang love or the start of an unconditional westernized influence love.  In the ying yang, it just is.  In the westernized influence, it has to start somewhere and go somewhere.

How does all of this apply to the person we are looking for?  We don't need to look for in another person or rather I'm saying I don't need to look for love in another person.  I already have it.  It has always been there with me.  At times it's powerful and overflowing.  At times it's empty and depleted.  I'm not here for anyone to take my love.  I'm not here to give anyone else my love.  I don't compromise on love.  It's not a give and take.  I will never just settle.  I am here to share it.  It's always been that way.  I trust in my integrity.  Trust in my ability.  I am extending that trust. Will you share it with me?  Will you make a life and grow with me? And that was what I was fighting for my life.  Yet it was that very foundation of trust that betrayed me.  I have endured it for as long as I humanly could and then some more.  Once a person loses that trust.  You can never regain it.  It's like asking for forgiveness without repentance.

Love is not to be confused with affection or attraction.  Attraction in the sense of visual aesthetics may draw upon love.  We are drawn more easily to what we are familiar with.  Affection in the sense of physical touch may draw upon love as well.  The biological sensory stimuli is genetically encoded in us, and impression on us through experiences.  When we put both together, there's the situation of such as falling in love at first sight.  I admit that this has never happen to me, but there has been many times at first glance I had the initial thought of she was the most beautiful person in the world.  Upon the tenth glance, I didn't know what did I saw before.  On the other hand, there were many whom I did not see at first, but somehow their beauty and attraction grew upon me.  It is this growth that naturally builds.  It is this type of love that needs cultivating.  Often times these are the people who we miss out our chance on because we were too slow.  As usual most of us are dunce and miss it.

Perhaps it's happening again.  Another chance.  I wonder if I will see through it?  Tired now so I am sleeping on it...



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #260 on: May 30, 2019, 08:14:23 PM »
I used to have so much love for the arts.  Mainly in artistic representation of reproducing as close to real life as possible and yet the attention to details of how the artist composes their work.  It takes hand eye coordination to accomplish such feat.  The inspiration coming and expressed onto the work.  It's like when I look at an accomplished piece of artwork that makes me want to trace the shapes and lines, change the lighting, view it from various angles, looking and looking for that one enlightened impression that flutters my emotions as love.  It is the awe of how a static piece of work can be viewed as alive in it's own right.  It's as if it speaks to you.  You want to touch it in places and feel it.  You want to bask in it's presence.  You want to have a personal relationship with it.

How can this be?  How can I perceive the beauty of it?  How can I be pleased by it?

Beauty in the eye of the beholder.  When I see the most beautiful of birds, the most beautiful of flowers, the most beautiful of fish, the most beautiful of a person...

And yet to another observer, they may see what I don't see.  For myself, it's not about the differences.  It's about sharing what I felt.  It's about sharing what the other person has felt.  What is it that I am seeking?  I am seeking to share.

Surely I must want something in return?  Who would just give and asks for nothing back?  It simply just doesn't work that way.  They dynamics of it has an ebb and flow.

Perhaps it's a moment of your time.  Perhaps I am seeking your approval.  Perhaps I really want to share with you and you share with me what your thoughts, impressions, and feelings are.  Is this what I am trying to cultivate?  A relationship.

The relationship I used to have with my drawing...it's gone.  Maybe it will come back.  Maybe I lost it when I had no one to share it with?  Was that the missing element?




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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #261 on: June 04, 2019, 01:55:38 PM »
People always have emergencies in life...Not everything is made of sweets and roses...

Work has been nothing but challenges.  I do not understand the challenges that people bring every day.

Simple things like...
wake up and come to work
your friends are out playing
you were out drinking late last night
you chose to have some parental fight, spousal fight, sibling fight, friendship fight, etc.,...
you chose road rage
you mouth off to some stranger...and you got what you deserved
your pent up sexual frustrations.. .

Nothing but mundane simple stuff...that somehow prevents people from coming to work.
It's a simple job, yet job in itself is too complicated for people

People I am not your punching bag, nor am I your one stop fix it up shop
I am a person too...
Here we go again...round XXXXXX



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #262 on: June 05, 2019, 10:53:28 AM »
Some thoughts...and self reminder

Common Sense is Very Uncommon...

Logical people are always being questioned...
Methodical people are called crazy or mad...
Wisdom is only understood after the fact...
Foolishness is always thought of before the act...
YOLO...you only live once, and who has lived twice?
Experience...i s repeating the same mistakes, and remembering it right afterwards...
Failure...is doing things wrong and gaining experience...
Two sides of the same coin...is heads and tails of the same coin.
We're back to square one...did we even start with circle zero?

What's labeling a person as a square suppose to mean?  You don't cut corners...
What's labeling a person as you're well rounded but with sharp edges?  You're a pizza cutter...

The word smart is meant to hurt
Sleep is time traveling to the future

Spontaneous is not a good characteristic to be boasting...jus t admit you have no plans, no goals, no direction in life.

If you can't humor yourself first, you can't humor anything else afterwards.
If you want to poke fun in others, poke fun in yourself first.
You have to be able to humor yourself in living, if you're going to humor anything else in life.

You understand life as experiences, once you understand death as experiences... even near death experience to feel life.






« Last Edit: August 28, 2019, 04:59:41 AM by VillainousHero »

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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #263 on: June 06, 2019, 01:51:26 AM »
So when I tell people I don't facebook.  I really meant it.

Apparently I was left some messages or something.  I didn't realize that I was somehow suppose to at least check them or what.

I also deleted all the friend requests from all these magazine models photos...You are interested in me how?  Thanks princess nigeria.   :2funny:

Apparently someone left me a phone number...kay that was like back in 2017 or so...and people finally stopped messaging me back in 2018.  So how many years has it been since I signed up for facebook?  LOL doesn't matter.




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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #264 on: June 06, 2019, 03:28:26 PM »
I didn't know they shut down Google+ pages...I was gonna load some photos and poof...I couldn't remember where I put them...

So I guess I don't FB and I don't Google+

What was that old Asian site?  Asian Avenue?  :D



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #265 on: June 06, 2019, 04:56:42 PM »
Vehicle is being fixed.

Stuck home...so did a lot of home work.. ;D home cleaning, yard work, yard cleaning...hou sework house cleaning...dar n...may as well fold the cloths and do some proper laundry.

hmmmm...online shopping.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #266 on: June 11, 2019, 10:22:48 AM »
This is the best home to come to...so I can vent some.  If that's how it's done.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #267 on: June 12, 2019, 11:52:37 PM »
What I think I have a need to learn or at least adopt...to prevent the past failures or a repeat of past failures.

Open for business...clo sed to negotiations.  I suck at negotiating so I should avoid that.  I don't know how to demand for my share.
Trust but with caution.  Trust people with little things first, but never with big important things.  They will probably screw you over when you most need that trust.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #268 on: June 13, 2019, 01:17:04 AM »
So when I tell people I don't facebook.  I really meant it.

Apparently I was left some messages or something.  I didn't realize that I was somehow suppose to at least check them or what.

I also deleted all the friend requests from all these magazine models photos...You are interested in me how?  Thanks princess nigeria.   :2funny:

Apparently someone left me a phone number...kay that was like back in 2017 or so...and people finally stopped messaging me back in 2018.  So how many years has it been since I signed up for facebook?  LOL doesn't matter.

Hmmm...I am a total noob.  Apparently people say there's some DM.  Dungeon Master?  Download Maps?  Defense Method?  So noob I had to internet search it.  Oh how dumb my arse is.  Dumb Myself.  It's Direct Messaging. 

LOL n behold...there were old messages in there.  Wow, did some people tried to contact me and I didn't even know.  I did say, I don't FB.  Apparently some of them were booty call attempts or as I assume...kitty catfish calls.  Nice try.  You thought that I would even attempt to reply or even look at your FACE!!!!BOMB.

Okay, I need more training...



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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #269 on: June 15, 2019, 05:20:06 AM »
Stoopid thing that blurt out at the moment

Just Ink Red Act Bill



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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

 

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