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Author Topic: Fighting For My Life  (Read 103610 times)

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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #285 on: June 30, 2019, 12:57:35 PM »
It is about 1 pm...outside is almost twilight...The winds are almost nonexistent



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #286 on: June 30, 2019, 01:08:49 PM »
...and the sound of pitter patter rain drops...and the wind begins to howl...



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #287 on: July 05, 2019, 05:33:02 AM »
I must have been a little tipsy last night.  Hmmm if I said something that is not of my character...th en that was the villain talking, cuz the hero was chilling.  Hmmm, if it was something of my character...th en perhaps that was the tipsy hero and the villain was pissed drunk.  Maybe I'm not quite awake yet...Just using the water closet.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #288 on: July 05, 2019, 05:54:23 PM »
Hmmm....I took the time machine for so long...I didn't realize...it's been twelve hours since.




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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #289 on: July 06, 2019, 02:35:52 AM »
I always like these flowery inspirational proverbs that people quotes, but everything in life has two sides of Ying Yang and we all know life isn't fair at all.  Seek life and life will test you.  Beat life in the battle at the end and be granted the reward of death.  Knowing that, yet why we cling to life?  Simple we love life itself.  We don't search of love, we search for ways to show our love.  Life may not give you what you seek or deserve, but life has given you everything and every chance to overcome all those obstacles and them more to test you.  You can only smile as life beats you...as you beat life right back with everything to live for, to show for, that your love is stronger than life itself.  It doesn't make sense and it makes sense.  I am always fighting for my life.



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Offline lilly

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #290 on: July 08, 2019, 03:23:01 PM »
I always like these flowery inspirational proverbs that people quotes, but everything in life has two sides of Ying Yang and we all know life isn't fair at all.  Seek life and life will test you.  Beat life in the battle at the end and be granted the reward of death.  Knowing that, yet why we cling to life?  Simple we love life itself.  We don't search of love, we search for ways to show our love.  Life may not give you what you seek or deserve, but life has given you everything and every chance to overcome all those obstacles and them more to test you.  You can only smile as life beats you...as you beat life right back with everything to live for, to show for, that your love is stronger than life itself.  It doesn't make sense and it makes sense.  I am always fighting for my life.

Sounds like you have a lot of love to give, VillainousHero!  :)

Anyway, what do you mean when you say you are always "fighting for your life"?  Usually people say "fighting for my life" when they are facing a life or death situation.  Are you facing a life or death situation??



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #291 on: July 09, 2019, 02:24:49 AM »
Sounds like you have a lot of love to give, VillainousHero!  :)

Anyway, what do you mean when you say you are always "fighting for your life"?  Usually people say "fighting for my life" when they are facing a life or death situation.  Are you facing a life or death situation??
I don't like conflicts.  I avoid conflicts in my life.  I am a very peaceful and gentle nature person.  And yes, it always seems like I am crossing paths with "life and death" situations.  More than I would like to, and more than I can remember.

For example...It was a while ago.  I merely stop by a gas station to get fuel.  Next thing I know some young kids pull up.  Starts to ask me to go buy them cigarettes.  I said, I respectfully decline as I was merely just getting fuel and am in a hurry on my way.  So Next thing these kids started to get rowdy and start swearing and making threats.  Now these are serious, threats with intention to cause bodily harm and I'm just getting gas for my vehicle.  So it got to the point where I called them out on it.  You seriously gonna make that threat then step up to it, and I will pacify that threat by means of elimination if necessary.  Yeah, I sure wasn't gonna let them just try to distract me and steal something from my vehicle and run off.   As it seems things like this are so typical in my life.  People are always starting something with me...just because I am physically there at that place and time.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #292 on: July 13, 2019, 05:28:47 AM »
Growing up in a predominately white society...the middle/high school International Club has a shared common interest of social building.  We of multi-ethnicity shared together, to learn more about American society.  The international exchange students and us minorities in the club just sort of did our things together.  Even then we had all sorts of personalities in there, the gangster rebels, the no technology country folks, the religiously cultured kids, the totally preppy white washed kids too, as some goes.

In grade school, all the Hmong kids and minorities were put into ESL - whatever it's called now ELL.  What I never understood was I was kicked out of ESL class.  All my siblings got to be in ESL classes, but me.  What I finally understood when it was years later...when I was tested around 6th grade and was told my reading writing was at 18+ level.  And again to an ignorant kid, it most certainly makes no sense since we were all brain washed. "You are special. You are equal" education.  There was also the split reading groups...The fast paced, the middle paced, and the slow paced.  I was always in the slow paced...but I already finished the book.  In essence I could be described as a melancholic personality.  My interests in normal society, schooling...be came diminutive.  I exhibited eccentric behavior, yet always labeled as most creative and most artistic.  Yet all I wanted to do was help others.  I never though about myself first.

There was always the point of where the teacher asks a question and a lot of kids raises their hands.  As often a teacher picks a student and they give the wrong answer.  You see this daily and repeatedly and wonder why?  Don't pick me, I didn't even raise my hand.  I hated that aspect.  Sure I gave the right answer, most of the time.  Somehow there were times where I plain didn't understand the question asked.  Again don't pick me, I didn't even raise my hand.  Now I give the I don't know, but if I had to say something...bl ah blah blah blah.  Totally unfounded and wrong.  The whole class laughs at my stupidity.  Wasn't until around maybe 4th grade and I did the hand raising thing.  I had it figured that if I raised my hand too, it would look like I was paying attention and I would be pick even less, and it worked.  Just rambling...som e thought from the past.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #293 on: July 17, 2019, 01:57:49 PM »
Help me, Help you.

I often ask myself this question in many situations.

In personal relationship.. .there was a time that I have said, "I bring an early retirement to life."  Yes there was an ambition there, hardcore work ethics, simple financial security, nothing so out of the ordinary...a simple balance to life.  I wanted 20 yrs of retirement to enjoy life, I wanted to put 20 yrs of hard service into life, I had already spent 20 yrs growing up from baby to adult.

Well of course it didn't work out that way.  So what do I bring to the table now?

All I can say is that I have very little to offer in the like of my previous plan.  All I can bring now is the best version of myself.  Materialistica lly that's not much to offer.  However relationship, that's what is was about in the first place.  In personal relationship, I have forgotten what I truly am, the real me.  So what was the real me after all this time?  The hero in me.  While that constitutes the core of who I am, I still do not know how to be the hero that others will value.  The core value of being Hmong.

Quote
The Hmong Way: You Help me, I Help You

Perhaps may have been misunderstood or misrepresented by those who have decided to use this to their own advantage as in an I Owe You contract.  Originally, if I may be so bold to say, that the Hmong Way was a humanitarian way.  I Help You when I have charity and a means to.  You Help Me, when you have the charity and means to.  We know as it goes that some people are more capable of helping, while others are in need of more help.  It is not always an equal trade.  There may have been times where the marker has been called and the need for help is great.  Help Me Now, in my time of need.  I will Help You on my word in your time of need.  I have made that obligatory contract on my word.  I will never make that obligation chain onto you.  That is where it has been misrepresented .  I will not force you to help me when I need help.  I am asking for your charity, if you, the person I am asking, don't have it you don't.  Now if you're just unwilling when you have the means to, well that goes that you may be a stingy and selfish person.

I was once proposed this question:  Help me, help you.

Now it was strange to hear this out of the blue, when I was ever doing is helping others.  So that one day, I was exhausted and depleted and choose to excuse myself from work about 1 hour before the actual close of day, as I have already fulfilled the weekly work quota and them more.  It was a very low volume work week.  Then all of a sudden after the fact the following Monday, I was having this conversation of work ethics.  Bottom line the professionalis m went out the door and I knew these folks were finding excuse for their lack of results.  So deadlines don’t mean jack at this time.  Anyway the question proposed to me was. “How do you help me, help you?”

I answered honestly, “Be professional.  Treat me with the professional courtesy that I have given onto you.”  So that is where the professionalis m of this organization is at.  It was more about smoke and mirrors than actual professionalis m. The week leading up to that, I heard some gossips.  Things said about how I’m such a whiner about stuff that don’t work.   When I was told to leave this position, they had the audacity to say, that they needed to escort me out of the building.  I couldn’t even say good bye or thank you to anyone else.  This goes back to the key words, help me, help you.

This is again the misrepresentat ion of the word.  The way it is worded, in English is at the fault.  It’s about this me, me, me first.  The emphasis is again at the me level.  The selfish way of saying I get what I want first and you come afterwards.  Most of us are familiar with the Good Samaritan.  This is about a person who sees a robbed, injured person on the side of the road, and then stops to help that injured person.  That Good Samaritan did not stop to think, what if it was a trap?  While the story ends there, how is it that we can apply this to ourselves?  Obvious the Good Samaritan this organization is trying to be a representation of, is quite so.  A lot of skeletons in the closet sort of to speak of locked and swept under the rug.

In the bigger picture of life and working relationship, I have always been the helpful person.  Always helping others in their struggle or need, or when they stumble or simply stuck.  I was willing, lending, aiding all those people.  It was when I was not able to, that the fangs bared and the eyes glared right back at me.  The discontent that these people harbored, was all tossed right at me when I least expected.  I spent all this time, showing and delivering options that would help them, yet these people did none of that.  I simply stacked the work, until it exploded and then look for an easy way out.  I was supposed to be the easy way out for them, but on that day it didn’t happen like so.  I am booked, obligated elsewhere, I am not able to deliver assistance today.  That’s where the hate comes about.  It comes back to the question they proposed to me, “How do you help me, help you?”

It goes back to accountability .  Obviously these people are well supported within the organization and I am being set up as the fall guy.  The organization is very well designed to sweep unwanted things under the rug.  When helping them clean anything, these things swept under the rugs are going to be found dirty as heck.  Now that was my mistake being in good faith and all in my attempt to be helpful.  You can’t help fix what’s broken if they choose to hide what’s broken.  Everyone wants a fix for the symptoms but never the fix at the root cause.

So what do I bring to the table?  As current I see nothing.  It’s nothing until I see the value of bringing something to the table.  I see nothing unless I see how my skill set and abilities are valued to be brought forth.  I am always helpful, willing, and thoughtful of the accomplishing the goal.  I am task orientated, time orientated, operational instruction detailed, methodically sequential performance detailed.  People have told me often that I need to think outside of the box or need to see the bigger picture.  How often do these people not realize that I see like nine boxes when you’re seeing one.  When you see a big picture on the wall, I see the entire room and big pictures on every wall.  I do not know how to explain to these people nor make them understand such things that are beyond the scope of their understanding.  I am still learning, as I do not posses that kind of wisdom.  All this time, "I've been helping you to help me."  It's not working.  I lack the method.  It still eludes me. 

probably one of my longest journal post...just the same thought, reflecting back and trying to find the best course of action going forward.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #294 on: July 31, 2019, 04:15:28 AM »
I often thought and wonder why people contradict themselves.

Hmong People - free people
Hmong ancient traditional culture - Let me help you, then you can help me.

now the contradiction goes...

Hmong marriage = Why are men only at top and women are like second class, like slaves?

That constant reminder and the constant upheaval.  Why do Hmong people say that this is culture in the way they treat women/wives.  She was bought with money, so she is now someone's possession.

Really these people who claim to know Hmong culture do not have the slightest clue of what Hmong culture is.  These are just twisted misrepresentat ion that abusive dictators would make such statements.  What's even worse are that Hmong women who repeat these misrepresentat ion and say it's due to Hmong culture.

How can a person say it's Hmong culture?  It contradicts Hmong traditional culture?

It was an abusive relationship.  It is not culture.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #295 on: August 02, 2019, 09:40:22 AM »
Growing up I was so stupid...it's the precedent that exemplifies my entire life.

While everyone was checking children's books like Dr. Sues or Curious George of the likes.  I was checking out reference materials.  I remember the librarian telling me I couldn't check out those books.  And they made me, check out some children's book.  I never understood it.

This went on for years since beginning elementary school.  It was only around like maybe 6th grade or much later that it was finally explained to me.  It had something to do with using the library and how to do research in writing a paper.  These are called reference materials as needs to stay in the library so that others may use them.   My entire childhood growing up was dumb down to this one moment.

I really felt that my entire education stagnant right around the age of 12 yrs.  I never made those connections.

As I see my children growing up...my boy now 12 yrs old...triggers these forgotten memories within myself.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #296 on: August 21, 2019, 06:17:28 AM »
I'm honest and truthful, full of integrity to a fault.  I am trying to lie to others so they'll believe that I can be relate-able to being thug, ghetto, selfish, types of people.  I have been advised many times to choose my battle.  That is my problem.  I don't know how to not reflect jerks and contemptuous people right back at them.

This society, these people are plenty and their negativity is toxic.  A weak antidote is sometimes useful.  However sometimes one cannot be weak and finesse everything in life.  Sometimes one must be aggressive with the antidote.  Be as it may, that people will get uncomfortable with that method.  One has to achieve measurable results in the most efficient way possible.  Do we, or us, or anyone has the time to slowly cultivate remedies and cures for toxic, negative people in years?  Or do we need to stand firm and administer antidote right there in the midst of a nerve attack.

Yes, I need to work on finessing thing more to maybe diffusing that bomb...But we all also know, that a strong impregnable stature will deflect that bomb that is gonna explode no matter when...stop walking on eggshells or thin ice.  Let them blow and sweep the destruction out the window.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #297 on: September 04, 2019, 04:03:10 AM »
Once in a while I have a recurring dream of just running.  Running as in training.  Running as in just enjoying it.  Running as if I am running because I am running towards something, away from, or along side with.  It's the whole process of being lucid with each stride, each foot impact, each spring in the leg, the muscles, the tendons, the ligaments. 

I just hope my legs weren't kicking up a storm while my body is fast asleep.  LOL.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #298 on: September 05, 2019, 01:53:59 AM »
Yesterday I was getting off a plane with just an oversized shirt. I had no pants, no shoes...eventu ally someone gave me some pants. I remember walking into a very big building, the airport terminal. I kept my eyes on the ground. Then I remember taking a long train ride. I somehow was outside playing in between the moving train cars. I watched the tracks and ground moved and listen to the loud noise of the train and felt the whirling air about. What was I doing outside? I was taking a pee. Later a train conductor found me and arrested me. Brought me back to my parents and he said something to them. I fell asleep afterwards. I was about 1+ years old.

I met my sponsors for the first time...They held some strange device and kept telling up to stand still so they put that device up to their face and there was a clicking sound. I remember that vase of fake flowers they gave to my mom and they took a photo of it. I told me to hold it too. A few weeks later, that's how the photo's turned out. I remember that because of the vase of fake flowers. I was at a new place now. I didn't see the sponsors. So this is where a new life started for me, for us. I remember being hungry. I remember how the sponsors put these bread into a toaster. I went and did the same.
That may have been a long time ago, but that was just like yesterday. I have not forgotten.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #299 on: December 07, 2019, 02:06:32 AM »
Stupid moron. cuts me off at the corner.  Cuts me off at the corner and then finally drives down my residential street.  It's a dead end buddy.

All that speedy driving and cutting me off, get's you down my dead end street.  It's also 2 am in the morning.  What are you doing down on my street at this hour while I'm just coming home?

There's not another car on the road and you need to cut me off.  Now you're trap at my dead end street.  Are you afraid that I'm going to kill you now?

Stupid moron...stop trying to cut people off on the road.  Just drive away.



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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

 

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