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Author Topic: Fighting For My Life  (Read 103647 times)

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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #30 on: April 07, 2014, 11:06:05 PM »
Fighting for a little pants room.  I don't know why or how the rest of them guys can wear straight cut pants.  I mean, there's no room in the pelvic area.  It's too cramped.  It all creeps up on me.  the material rubs up and rides onto one side, while I'm sitting down.  If I had to crouch down to pick something off the floor or something, well it then is really stretched at the seems and all.  Gotta be careful there to not pinch something.  I don't care if people say it looks better or makes you look younger.  Nope, I just doesn't feel comfortable.  I'm not sure if I want to wear that straight cut pants anymore, and I even bought it one size larger mitigate the problem I was gonna have.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #31 on: April 16, 2014, 11:32:07 PM »
I must have grown weary fighting the tide of normalcy.  The normal things that most people are afraid to stand up and voice against.  Maybe I’m just full of dementia or what not.  Maybe I am just that who I am.  My inner nature to always stand up for the weak.  My inner nature to always have compassion when others have none.  Maybe I’m just foolish in believing the goodness of people.  That’s because I have seen the goodness of a few people in their act, aside from thousands who could care less.  If I didn’t pay it forward, then who will?  Actually I think I’m the source of It rather than just simply paying it forward.  My nature to just simply fight selfishness and offer a helping hand.  Can I really fight my own nature?  I suppose I cannot.

Can I really love again?  I do not know.  I cannot say.  I want to change my future.  That’s all.  I want to fight that bleak future of mine.  I still do.  No matter who tries to upset me, I will pull that part of my nature out and let my beauty overflow from within me once again.  I hope it’s not too late for me.  No, I have faith that no matter how long it takes, at least I know I was the best, saved for the best.



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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

zena

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #32 on: April 17, 2014, 12:38:16 PM »
I must have grown weary fighting the tide of normalcy.  The normal things that most people are afraid to stand up and voice against.  Maybe I’m just full of dementia or what not.  Maybe I am just that who I am.  My inner nature to always stand up for the weak.  My inner nature to always have compassion when others have none.  Maybe I’m just foolish in believing the goodness of people.  That’s because I have seen the goodness of a few people in their act, aside from thousands who could care less.  If I didn’t pay it forward, then who will?  Actually I think I’m the source of It rather than just simply paying it forward.  My nature to just simply fight selfishness and offer a helping hand.  Can I really fight my own nature?  I suppose I cannot.

Can I really love again?  I do not know.  I cannot say.  I want to change my future.  That’s all.  I want to fight that bleak future of mine.  I still do.  No matter who tries to upset me, I will pull that part of my nature out and let my beauty overflow from within me once again.  I hope it’s not too late for me.  No, I have faith that no matter how long it takes, at least I know I was the best, saved for the best.


This is a great way to look at life (in the bold).

It's never too late when you're still alive.  :)




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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2014, 01:23:03 PM »
This is a great way to look at life (in the bold).

It's never too late when you're still alive.  :)



Yes thank you.  It's what gives me hope in life.  Hope that at least I helped one person to remember how I change the way they will look at life.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2014, 01:57:17 PM »
To fight the reality of looking at things in a pessimistic way.  If I had to think about my relationship.  I had spent more time in divorce than I had spent my time in attempting to love.  I gave it my all, but all of it went into the trash.  The reality of it as I look at it is that love has been nonexistent in my live.  Not love from my parents or family.  Not love from the person who I made vows to.

My children, they seem to be changing much from these past few months.  The reality of divorce forces them to choose.  I guess it’s natural for my children to choose their mom over love.  The only love that they have is the love from their father, me.  They choose poorly, but they are children.  I have to fight this pessimistic view.  Since I know my children has told me many times that they love me.  When my ex hears that, she always has to step in and make her children say to her that they love her too.  Just saying it out loud and having it come from the heart are two totally different things.  I have the love from the heart of my children.  That’s hope for a good future.  As long as those mind games from the ex does not end up corrupting the hearts of my children, my children will grow up to me kind, loving people like me.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2014, 02:27:04 PM »
To fight my feelings of contempt, for my ex.  I want to try to remember the good experience by somehow it’s all overshadowed by heinous acts on her selfish part.  She’s always say things like tough love is still love.  Well I still don’t believe any of that.  If that was her philosophy then how come it didn’t work on her?  Was she such a hypocrite?  Perhaps, but it’s real just selfishness on her part.

Did I have a chance at love?  Perhaps it was a chance but my love was never given a fair chance.  Our relationship never grew beyond what she perceived at honeymoon phase for her.  So now all my living years have been wasted.  Time is something we can never get back.  My journey, my footprints in the sands and mud, over rocks and thorns, all memories of hardship one after another.  It’s no wonder I sleep with nightmares all the time.  My heart is unrested and full or resentments.  I want to fight all of this off so badly and it’s just not working.  So just surviving day after day is not enough anymore.

I want to help others, so that I can find my own answers to help myself.  That nature of myself is calling me back to who I am.  I think I can’t fight that part of myself either.


« Last Edit: April 19, 2014, 02:34:54 PM by VillainousHero »

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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

aboo

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #36 on: April 21, 2014, 11:26:34 AM »
VH – in order to heal we must let go.  Not just for our sanity but for the well-being of our children involved.  Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.  It means we are ready to start that next chapter of our life no matter what it is.  It means we let go of the anger.  It means we aspire to be the best parent we can become – not to compete and show the ex who is better.  Children are very smart and at times they may not express it, they know that a parent’s love is more than mere words expressed verbally every now and then.

I’m not discounting your thoughts and feelings on this issue.  As your sister I’m saying, “Bro it’s time to just let go.”  Don’t let our past mistakes define who we are but rather assist us in making better decisions in life forward.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #37 on: April 21, 2014, 01:37:56 PM »
One thing is I've only have a little over 10 years of life memory, of which I spent like 8 yrs in this relationship.  I can't let go of basically the only memories of my entire life, if you can understand the concept of what I'm saying.  Some of my first memories that returned were basically infant memories.  Even then those are fragmented.  I've pieced together missing memories by what people have told me and by other documents of where I've been and such.  Those memories may have flashed back at times to me, but they are more like memories of reading a book or watching a movie.  The few people who could fill me in about most of those memories are not part of my life now.  So in my disposition, I can't let it go.  I have nothing to substitute in place of it.  All I have is each new day with my children.

I understand that for healing to begin...I need to get over just surviving day to day.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #38 on: April 21, 2014, 09:23:11 PM »
I still care for her well being very much.  After all it's the children who misses their mom.  They truly miss having a mom who would've been around and taken care of them like I have been doing so.  If she wasn't around anymore, I wonder how my children will grow up?  Will they constantly ask me to find them another mom?  Yet they do not understand the full complexity of the situation.  They just want to be a family, with a mom, dad, and children together.

Am I trying to remember good memories or am I just foolishly still thinking there's goodness in everyone?



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #39 on: April 22, 2014, 01:40:48 AM »
Why do these memories surface now?

When I fell asleep and was told I woke up three days later...the very first words that came out of my mouth was, "Where's my wife and two kids?"

I had no memory of my real self, didn't even know who I am, or where I am at.  My roommate, I didn't know who he was either.  Most of all don't speak Hmong to someone who's not Hmong.  In my comatose state, I had a different life, I was married, had two children, one boy and one girl.  I was happy in that state.  Felt like we lived in a small cottage surrounded by a nice flowery meadow and looks like we farm for a living.  Kind of cliche with a white picket fence or something.  And chickens just running around freely.

I remember I was told to go look at my room, so I did.  Nothing about it had any signs of me ever being married.  I thought that maybe I was kicked out of my home or something.  Somehow reality of empty memories just weren't adding up to my current situation.

I remember I was told I stared at my driver's license all day trying to remember who in that picture was.  I must have done that for a whole week.  I didn't even know how far I could walk being outside.  Yes I had to be supervised or else I would've gotten lost.  Well all I remember was that I was afraid of getting lost, since I couldn't even remember the apartment number of which I was living.

The first few years of not knowing who I was, am, or could be are all lost memories as well.  I couldn't retain much of anything.  I still had to look at my driver's license to tell people who I am.  Somehow the feeling of me wanting to look for my wife and two kids always lingered in the back of my mind.  It was such a strong feeling, that it felt like I really had lived such a life.  It didn't even matter that I didn't know what their names were, I didn't even know what my name was either.

The state of confusion I was in and my vulnerability, yes anyone could have taken advantage of me.  My life basically had a fresh start from then.  One day at a time, exploring the world around me.  I was an almost empty shell, I did what basically anyone told me to do.  I trusted anyone and everyone.  Eventually I gave up on the notion of finding my wife and two kids.  If they really were a part of my life, someone should have at least mentioned it to me.  Also hindsight is that others just said, I should have never been left alone to sleep for days.  I could've really relapsed into an extended coma. 

So then there I was reading forums online...someh ow sometime I was looking for a Hmong online forums.  To make it short, I eventually came to Hmongvillage.c om and then PH.com.  After all of these time, I am back on PH again.  I've come basically full circle.  Trying to start a new life again.  It's as if I've woken up from my coma to a reality of no wife but have two children.  How then should I proceed now, exploring my world around me again, one day at a time.  Only I'm not as empty as I was before, of which I really need to empty myself of all the negativity, sadness, and resentments in my life.

Yet how?...one day at a time.  My head on my shoulders, my chin held up, my eyes on that blurry horizon, all just knowing that I am grateful to be alive.  I don't know about healing, I just know about surviving.



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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #40 on: April 22, 2014, 02:35:03 AM »
Brother VH,

I invested so much in my past relationship and had many memories of our life together.  She didn't cherish it and threw all of our memories away.  Even when she had given up, I still didn't want to lose it all for nothing.  So I tried to keep those memories; pictures, love letter, poems, and videos of our journey together.  She never kept anything I gave her and it went to the trash.  I didn't want to let others know what was going on so I played it cool, but deep down in side it was killing me.  I tried to be the best person giving her everything I had, but she still took advantage of me.

 My family told me I was too nice and went to easy on her.  I didn't know how to act because I am just a nice person.  She left, and her friends were no were to be found, so I kept on helping her and she still took advantage of me.  I did so much after our break up to help her on her own two feet. Even went as far as helping her buy a car and a place to stay, but time and time again she didn't know how to cherish me.  Guess the saying goes, you don't know what you loss until you lose it. 

It kind of sucks because I am the type of person that can't see someone I know go through trouble and be in desperate need.  I just have to help them and she didn't know what she loss.  I gave her 4 chances, but yet she had the guts to no be thankful for what I have done.

I am the type of person that if you don't love each other anymore then its better to go your own ways.  I don't like arguing or fighting and going the extreme route. 

After our 6 months of separation, I gave up and called it quits.  It was hard to get rid of our past memories, but you have to remember that if you're too caught up living in the past then you will not have a future.  Why live in those memories, when they mean nothing.  Revert back to the real you. Forever young.

I finally made my decision and threw away our pictures together.  Threw away the love letter, vids, and everything we had together.  It was the best feeling to know I am finally free of her. 

I hope you can overcome your obstacles and don't live in the past anymore.  Don't let the past memories be a road block for your happiness.  I realized that I was in a diluted dimension where I had hope for her to come back, but then I didn't want to experience all those pain again.

Jump out of cycle and find yourself.  Know who you are and what you want.  It is time to let go and forget about those memories that didn't live up to the expectations.  When you do it and wake up without thinking about her or how she is doing then you will finally be free.  ;)

I am not sure if I read it correctly, but you mentioned she's still living with you?  If so, if you're not together anymore then it's pack her bags or your bags and move on.  There are way nicer women out there who knows how to treat us guys better and we just haven't found them yet.  Hope you make the best decision so your heart will be free.


« Last Edit: April 22, 2014, 02:44:38 AM by Wi_sweetguy »

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aboo

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #41 on: April 22, 2014, 01:07:31 PM »
One thing is I've only have a little over 10 years of life memory, of which I spent like 8 yrs in this relationship.  I can't let go of basically the only memories of my entire life, if you can understand the concept of what I'm saying. 

I understand your concept.  What I meant was to let go of the hurt.  Cherish the good times.  Don’t let the bitterness trap you in the past.  I often see people get so worked up about past that they forget to keep living in building a future.  Trust me I’ve had my share of being with other women and all they can do is bicker about how horrible their ex was etc.  They are often surprised that I don’t join in and talk about my ex.  I’ve learned a long time ago that I can only control my own thoughts and feelings.  I can’t control what my ex is doing or isn’t doing as a parent – so what’s the point of wasting my time and energy on something that is out of my control?   I think there comes a time when we have to say to ourselves that enough is enough. 

For myself, I could look at it negatively and let it beat me up every time on a daily basis.  But I’m a believer in life that everyone has the power to change the direction of their life.  It may not be an easy choice, it may not feel good, it may bring tears and loneliness but ultimately we all do have a choice in how we want to feel daily. 

One day you will get there, I just know it.  :)



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #42 on: April 22, 2014, 02:13:29 PM »
I think I'm still writing the epilogue of this part of my life.  Trying to find a true closure to the end of the relationship.  I have so little good memories to draw upon.  In part it's all about closure.  I just don't want to look back upon any of it.  Looking back is just full of misery and resentments.  All I know is I'm here at this moment in my life.  Everyday, I look forward to making a closure to it.  The first big part of that closure is the finalized divorce and that has been done with.  The second big part is scheduled at the end of the school year, so that's coming up.  Since there has been very little of anything good so far, it should be very easy to find better things in the future.



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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

proudlao

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #43 on: April 22, 2014, 02:21:06 PM »
Letting go is only as hard as you let it be. Mind over matter, forgive and let go. What's done is done.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Fighting For My Life
« Reply #44 on: April 22, 2014, 02:22:53 PM »
Yes...I seem to have a sort of scheduled time.



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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

 

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