Dr. PH, tell me how to accept death

[morninglory]

My little brother recently passed away. I blame myself for his passing because it was my idea to go hiking. If I didn't ask to go, then maybe he would still be here with us. During the funeral, so many people talk and ask me, "why did you take him to get killed? why did you guys go? you shouldn't have gone; you killed him." I blame myself even more with all these statements. It got to the point where I want to "experience death" so I can see my little brother again. All my siblings were afraid I was going to do something stupid, which I have thought of doing. My sister's pastor helps me a little by talking to me and makes my loads a little lighter. He is a very wise man and I'm going to talk to him more since he lost a son and know how hurt is it to lose someone you love so much.

Now, I think about my little brother before I go to sleep and is the first thing I think about when I wake up. I go to sleep and wake up every day with an empty feeling. I call my little brother every night to come and talk to me. I want to see, talk, hug, kiss, and hold him. It hurts so much when I go and visit him. I cannot believe he is really underground. I sit on his grave and visualize him in his casket and it hurt me so much. I still can't accept that my once so healthy brother is really gone. When I saw his hand, I was so hurt that his once so strong hands that can spike volleyball so great is so skinny and dry. I almost pass out a few times at the church.

When I go out with my friends, I would be talking and laughing and then I suddenly think that my little brother is really gone, then I get so depress and feel like my heart has a big empty hole in it. I feel like my body is hollow. He was still so young and still had so much going on for him.

I need some answers, confirmation, signs, that my little brother is doing good right now. During his service, the "txiv qeej" tells me that even if my little brother didn't go that day when he went hiking with us, he would have gone some other way since it was his time. This make me feel better, then some other people tells me that if we had not gone, he would still be there. If he had waited a few seconds before stepping on that rock, he would still be here. If he didnt go out at all in the month of August, he would still be here. I hear so many different stories and it confuses me to the point where I want to TALK TO HIM, and by doing that, I need to do something really stupid.

I have stopped doing things and going to places that will remind me of my little brother. My siblings tell me that I can't stop living, but I can't help it. It hurts too much to be reminded that my precious little brother is really gone. I want to wipe him out of my life (throw away pictures and memories of him) but I love and miss him so much, I can't delete his pictures. Those are the only things I have left of him. But at the same time, it's eating me alive knowing that he will not ever come back.

Those of you who have lost a loved one, how did you deal with it? What was your method? Did you go through what I'm going through too? Did you ever get over it? I really need help. I plan to attend therapy once I am back at home. I'm still at my parents house and will go back after we "tso plig" for him this Thursday. I dont know how I'm going to through this too.

[foromosa]

Let me just say all those people who insinuate that you were the cause of your brother's death are f*cking idiots. If I heard someone saying that to anyone, I would b*tch them out. It was an accident. Ignore those comments because there is no way in hell you were to know that he would run ahead of everyone else and fall down. These idiots speak of things they do not know of.

No one knows the future. No one can tell when it's their time to go. All we can do is enjoy life and hopefully make others happy before it's our time.

Your siblings are right. Realize that you still have a life to live and people to love. If you let, this pain and void in your heart will consume you. I do not think that your brother would want you to dwell on these feelings of guilt that you feel over his death. I think deep down inside of your heart you know this too.

In all honesty, thoughts of meeting my sister in the afterlife never crossed my mind. When she died, I felt like I couldn't cry. The tears that fell were not real tears. Maybe I was in denial. I thought there was something wrong with me. It's been over four years. A few weeks ago, I finally had a good hard cry over her death. So I guess the truth is, no, you never truly get over the death of a loved one. Over time, the pain will lessen.

Hold on the good times/memories you had with him. Don't dwell on other thoughts. Be strong. It sounds like you have siblings who will support this. Try not to isolate yourself from them. You can mourn your loss together as a family. If you do, it may be easier for you to get through this tough time.

[Delete]

I agree with foromosa, only narrow minded people who blame you for his death. No one can predict death. We can sleep in our bed and die the next morning, who are we to blame then? Like the txiv qeej said, it was his time to go, if he doesn't go now, he would go sometime soon. I guess he want to spend his last day with you, that's why he agree to go on the hiking trip with you, he want his last memory to be with you.

Death is something we never accept, but it is something we just have to learn to move forward and know that things happen for a reason. I'm not sure how he's doing on the other side but I'm sure he's happy where ever he goes and he misses you as much as you misses him. I'm sure he doesn't want you to feel blame yourself for his death and stop living because of him. Imagine if you were him, would you want him to stop living because you're gone? You will never forget about him but at the same time you need to live your life, for him and for you.

Give it sometime, cry if you have to, scream if you need to and surround yourself with those who cares for you and him.

[Sweet_Tears]

DON'T let people poor judgements cloud you. I know that when my father was very sick and was at his end. People from all over were telling us (the family) not to give him his medication like morphine. They were whispering and saying that we were trying to kill our father by just giving him so much morphine and medication. We just tell them that it's what the doctor order. If we didn't give him the morphine, he would be in pain. He would not be able to tolerate it. They said that the reason why he's so tired and can't even open his eyes was because of the morphine but the idiots didn't know that at the end stage, the dying will get extremely tired and will not be able to talk/eat/open their eyes anymore. He was almost like a camotose state.

Regardless, what people say, let them talk. I wouldn't take anything to the heart. It's not your fault, there's a reason for everything and GOD had a purpose for him.

Therapy is good for you if you have a free counseling. Hospice said that we have up to one year to use their therapy sessions but I'm still thinking about it. It's really hard and I know what you are going through. Considered that my father is old already and your brother is still a child but it's still the same pain/loss. It's never easy to lose a family member. This is the first for us so we do not know how to handle it accept just take one day at a time. 

[morninglory]

Thanks you guys.

I tried not to let those people's ignorant comment get to me, but I still do since I blame myself too. When I think about what the txiv qeej say, it makes me feel better, then I hear those people's talking, then I go back to thinking "what if" questions and blame myself even more.

When they were going to put my little brother in the casket, I couldn't watch at all. I cry to the point where I almost pass out my husband had to take me outside. I did not want to believe that he's really going in there. I couldnt watch when we got the cemetery too. I had to turn away when they put the soil over him.

Yes, deep down, I know my little brother wouldn't want me to stop living and blame myself, but at this point, I can't help it. It's still too painful to try and move on. The memories of him falling haunts me everyday. I was the one that went and grab his hand and call his name right after he fell. I think about his expression everyday. (I dont want to describe it since it might be too much for others). I play the whole scene over and over in my head. I was with him the whole time he was in the hospital too. I didnt go home at all. I talk to him, hold his hands, and pray for him on those 4 days. 

Now, I hate it when people ask what happen. I dont want to have to listen to the story again. It just bring me back to that horrible day.

Thank you for listening. Talking about it make me feel better.

[Sweet_Tears]

It is truly hard if you are the person to see your loved one take his/her last breath and there's nothing you can do. Do not blame yourself. Life is about forgiving, forgetting, and learning to move on. Right before my father passed away, he said to us "Please do not grieve for me, I want you all to continue to live life to the fullest, go to work, and go about your life" "I do not want you all to cry and be sad when I'm gone"... Even so, you are still sad.. but life does not end like death. We the living must continue to move on. FEEL FREE TO TALK TO ME ANYTIME.. I'M IN THE SAME BOAT. 

[Evil_K_Man]

People have their own ways of dealing with the passing of a love one, but for me...death taught me how to value life.  I remember the eulogy a pastor gave at my father's funeral.  He mentioned that he always thought it was awkward for people to bring so much flowers to a funeral.  Whats the point?  The person it is for is no longer there to enjoy them.  They can't touch, see, or smell the flowers, so what is the point?

I didn't get it at first, but he later explained that it would make more sense to bring them flowers while they are still with you, so they can touch, see, and smell the flowers.  I guess its a way of saying that though we can never forget those who are no longer with us, we shouldn't overlook those who still are.  So now I spend more time with my family, buy them gifts as a sign of my appreciation, forgive more, and live more.  These days I spend more time thinking about the way my father lived then how he died.  It still makes me sad from time to time, but I understand it more and accept it.

[MR. A]

Don't let what others tell you bring you down for as they were not there at the time and if your brother was still here I'm sure he wouldn't want you to blame yourself.  I know it's hard but live the rest of your life doing great things....thin gs that would make your brother proud of you so he can shine along side with you.....He will always be a part of you so make him proud and don't do anything bad to yourself.

From what I'm reading it sounds like you still have other siblings....th ink about them too....if you did something bad to yourself how would they go on through life knowing that they not only lost a love one but now two.....Accide nt happens in life and we will always lose love ones no matter young or old but what we should focus on is loving the ones and being with the ones that are still here.....becau se in after life we will be with the ones who left first because it was their time and they went first just to prepare a better place/home for us.....

I'm sorry to hear about your little brother and I hope you stay strong as for we humans are all brothers/sisters and we do care.....

[autumnbreeze]

I can't believe those people still have the nerves to say such things to you especially at a time like this. How inconsidered! This was not your fault and they should know better to not blame it on you. Don't listen to them! They're just trying to find blames. It's not your fault that your little brother died. It was his time to go. No matter where or when, it was his time. Nothing to do with you. Even if you guys didn't went up there, he would probably die somewhere that day too. I'm so sorry for your lost mgic. I have not lost anyone as special and close to me like you did, but just reading your post...I can almost feel the pain and loneliness you're feeling too. Please hang in there. Don't keep things inside. Talk to your family members...vent in here....but don't keep it inside. And please, please, please don't do something stupid or dumb alright. Stay strong and positive. Best wishes to you alright. 

[boO]

mgic

From my experience, grieving is an ongoing journey that you will never get over it. In time you will learn to accept that that person is no longer here.  You will have your good days and you will have your bad days. The fact that you are reaching out and talking about your loss, I believe you are on the right track.  

[Sweet_Tears]

People have their own ways of dealing with the passing of a love one, but for me...death taught me how to value life.  I remember the eulogy a pastor gave at my father's funeral.  He mentioned that he always thought it was awkward for people to bring so much flowers to a funeral.  Whats the point?  The person it is for is no longer there to enjoy them.  They can't touch, see, or smell the flowers, so what is the point?

I didn't get it at first, but he later explained that it would make more sense to bring them flowers while they are still with you, so they can touch, see, and smell the flowers.  I guess its a way of saying that though we can never forget those who are no longer with us, we shouldn't overlook those who still are.  So now I spend more time with my family, buy them gifts as a sign of my appreciation, forgive more, and live more.  These days I spend more time thinking about the way my father lived then how he died.  It still makes me sad from time to time, but I understand it more and accept it.

Absolutely, that's what death taught us as a family as well. To value loved one and to value life because you never know what the future might hold. It just give you a whole new perspective view toward life itself and those that are around you.

[foromosa]

Thanks you guys.

I tried not to let those people's ignorant comment get to me, but I still do since I blame myself too. When I think about what the txiv qeej say, it makes me feel better, then I hear those people's talking, then I go back to thinking "what if" questions and blame myself even more.

When they were going to put my little brother in the casket, I couldn't watch at all. I cry to the point where I almost pass out my husband had to take me outside. I did not want to believe that he's really going in there. I couldnt watch when we got the cemetery too. I had to turn away when they put the soil over him.

Yes, deep down, I know my little brother wouldn't want me to stop living and blame myself, but at this point, I can't help it. It's still too painful to try and move on. The memories of him falling haunts me everyday. I was the one that went and grab his hand and call his name right after he fell. I think about his expression everyday. (I dont want to describe it since it might be too much for others). I play the whole scene over and over in my head. I was with him the whole time he was in the hospital too. I didnt go home at all. I talk to him, hold his hands, and pray for him on those 4 days. 

Now, I hate it when people ask what happen. I dont want to have to listen to the story again. It just bring me back to that horrible day.

Thank you for listening. Talking about it make me feel better.

 

*hug*

[MSV]

Many of these PH’ers have done a great job giving you their insight but I also want to throw in my own....

Mgic, your story is one that hits quite close to home. When my dad passed away, a lot of ignorant and stupid people blamed my mom for his death. They snickered and talked about how my mom was horrible….how she didn’t care about my dad…how she allowed him to drink at family functions even when the doctors had warned my family about his deteriorating health….how she should have looked after him more. The truth is, they didn’t know shiat. Now that I think of it, I wonder if my mom felt the way you did. Did she blame herself just because others chose to point fingers at her? Did she wonder if she had stopped my dad from going to that wedding that one day, would he still be alive? *sighs* Cov neeg ruam ntawv os!

You know, all those people who blamed you are just grieving as well. Sometimes people get so worked up and lost with their emotions that they find something to release it upon or shelter in in order to feel better. In your situation, it looks like they decided to make you feel awful in order for them to find some sort of closure and comfort to their aching hearts. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was his time to go. Regardless of where he is, what he was doing, how he passed…when it’s time, it’s time.

Learning to live after someone you loved so much as departed is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do thus far in life. It’s not easy nor does it ever go away but I’ll let you know that time really is the essence to it all. For me, it’s been 8 yrs since my dad passed but I still find myself crying whenever a memory comes floating through. I still feel this void in my heart that no one can ever seem to fill up no matter how much love or laughter they give me. That’s just how it is. Just do know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is your time to slowly come into terms with your little brother’s passing. To try to erase and ignore everything that reminds you of him is the worst way you can go. I know my older sister took that route and she still grieves deep down inside even to this day. But me, I faced it; I accepted my dad’s death. Of course I still have my questions, wonders, “what ifs” but I know he would have wanted me to live my life in smiles. You know what a wise man once said to me… he said…“Yog koj pheej quaj ces koj yuav ua txoj kev nplua nplua rau nws mus thawj thiab. Nws mus tsis tau ces hajyam nyuaj rau nws vim nws tsis xav mus los yog tsis paub mus. Yog koj hlub nws ces so kiag koj cov kua muag.” Oh goodness…just thinking about those words got me all teary now too.

Honestly different methods work for different people. For me, I didn’t pour out my feelings to people much besides my sisters. I knew my mom was in a worst condition than me so I didn’t want to have her try to comfort me when she was hurting herself.  I remember I hated it so much when my friends asked me if I was okay…of course I’m not okay! I know they were just trying to provide a shoulder but when you grieve, you just don’t care how others feel. LOL. That’s the truth. Also allow yourself to cry. My nephew once said to me…“Crying is just a way to get rid of all the hurt inside you.” And if you feel like no one can understand you and you’ve got no one to run to, write, write and write some more! I kept a journal growing up and during those first years of my dad’s passing, all I wrote about was him…the dreams I had of him…the words I wished I could say to him….the memories I had…the events he missed out on.

Hang in there. Maybe your brother will come to you in your dreams, wipe away your tears and tell you that everything will be okay and that it wasn’t your fault.

[Peachy Fish]

Mgic, those people who blamed you are hurting too, but that's no excuse to say those awful things to you. You cannot control what others will say to you, but just remember that your brother loves you and will always live in your heart and memory. Lastly, please continue to live for yourself, too. I'm sure that's what your brother would want.

*hugs*

Btw, very good advices and touching shares all. 

[morninglory]

Thanks everyone.

MSV, I remember standing by my brother's casket and three old ladies came up and say "it was the daughter's fault. she came and took them to the mountains. if she didnt come, this wouldnt happened." They didnt know I was the daughter they were talking about. I didnt say anything to them. I couldn't. Another lady came with her son (probably 10 years old) and says "see, look, i told you not to run around too much, your head will crack open like this too, look" she went and lift my little brother's hat so her son could see the surgery line on my brother's head. (We put my little brother's favorite hat on him to cover the cut). She continues to say "I have been in America  for 30 years and I have never allow my kids to go hiking because of stuff like this.." just babble her mouth away.  I couldnt stand their talking so I went outside. Hmong people can be so inconsiderate sometimes.

I bought a journal and carry it around with me now. I write when I'm sad and depress. It do help a lot.

I am taking your sister's route too. I avoid doing things that remind me of my little brother. I try to push everything away. I want to wipe everything away, like he never existed. But, I can't. I'm taking one of his volleyball jersey home with me. My little sister is worst. She refuse to do EVERYTHING that will remind her of my little brother. She refuse to even visit my little brother. She yell at us when we put on my little brother's favorite song, or watch the volleyball video clip of him.

I did hear that if we cry too much, we will make the road slippery for him. I remember when we were about to take my little brother to the cemetery, I was the one that hold the incense to light his way from the church to the door, I was going to cry and my dad and cousins told me NOT to cry AT ALL. I tried so hard to hold my tears in. I burst into tears after that ceremony was over.

I worry for my whole family. I wish they didnt have to go through this. Yesterday, my dad went through my little brother's clothes and cried his eyes out. It was so painful to see my dad cry. Since I moved out 4 years ago, I'm use to not seeing my little brother everyday, but my family will have to get use to it. My little sister usually take them to school and she cry everyday after she drop my other brothers off to school. He always sit in the front with my little sister and now, that seat is empty. My other two younger brothers refuse to sit in the front with her since they said that seat belong to my deceased brother.

I'm going to miss it when he call me to ask for me buy him stuff or ask for money. I'm going to miss it when I come to visit my parents and when I hug him, I had to wrap my arms around his waist only because he was too tall for me. I'm going to miss everything about him. I regret for not going to his last volleyball game. I couldve gone, but I didnt. *sigh* Thanks for listening everyone. I will try to think of the happy memories and let that horrible day go. I hope as time goes by, I will be able to slowly accept it. Oh, btw, I will name my first son after my brother.  I told my little brother to come back and find me and be my son, so I hope he will.