Dr. PH, tell me how to accept death

[Sentinel_Li]

Even when ready, or not, there is no way to "accept death."  Death comes swiftly, without notice, and doesn't discriminate.  You can only "understand death" and let it take it's course.  By understanding death is to realized that where ever there is a begining, there will be an end to all.  Death is necessary and it will come sooner or later.  Where you hurt most is not accepting his death....You hurt most in your GUILT; you are burning inside; you are dying spiritually.  And I know you also get depressed about it.  You must understand that even with your brother at your lead, that it wasn't your fault he had to die that day, because he could of lived if the situation allowed it....it was the "vulnerable circumstance" that you two were in.  It could been either one of you that day....instead it was him.  Given any other unforeseen hazardous situations in life, chance would of outcome similarly in death.  Again, the your lead didn't kill him....the circumstances of space and time, which was out of your control...kill ed him.

Be happy you lived to remember his legacy.  He is smiling down from you in heaven and wants you to be happy, not for you to agonize over him.  That is what he wants.  That is what you should carry out.

[morninglory]

Sorry for your loss.  I cried a bucket of tears at the end of first page.   

Aw..why did you delete your post? Please share more stories. 

[Lady_Fallin]

After a close cousin's death... I wrote her letters everyday. The last letter was two and half years ago.  I think I finally learn to love.  Love her enough to understand that love itself equals an ending, and it was preparing our hearts for reality.  

It's good that you are facing your emotions.  That in itself is the process of grieving... and you are grieving... and in grieving, we learn to just...be.

I've always thought...the more the deceased love someone, that person will not dream or receive any omen from the deceased until the person they love heal.  So that when they meet, it will be out of pure love, and nothing else.  Or if they meet in dreams, the person's spirit won't follow.  At least... I've noticed that.    When my cousin passed away, I didn't see her in my dreams for a long time... I think after I learn to love and learn just be... she came to my dreams... But I still chased her, and I remember she shook her head in the dream and ran from me.  My grandpa passed away recently... and all of has dreamed of him... except grandma who often cries and calls out for him to come get her, too. 

Maybe your brother's waiting... waiting patiently for your heart to heal before he sends you an omen...

[morninglory]

Lady_Fallin, you might be right. My brother's friends and my aunts had dreams about him, but not my family at all. My dad call to him everyday but my dad haven't had a dream about him.

Recently, one of my cousin and in-laws told me to get a grip on his death and move on. I dont need to dwell anymore. I told them that I am trying and they dont understand because they have never had a death in their family so they dont know the feelings or know how hard it is. My family is trying and we all have our moments where we break down. I cried myself to sleep two nights ago and my mom called me crying yesterday because yesterday was the day 2 months ago that he passed.

[Lady_Fallin]

Lady_Fallin, you might be right. My brother's friends and my aunts had dreams about him, but not my family at all. My dad call to him everyday but my dad haven't had a dream about him.

Recently, one of my cousin and in-laws told me to get a grip on his death and move on. I dont need to dwell anymore. I told them that I am trying and they dont understand because they have never had a death in their family so they dont know the feelings or know how hard it is. My family is trying and we all have our moments where we break down. I cried myself to sleep two nights ago and my mom called me crying yesterday because yesterday was the day 2 months ago that he passed.

You know what I hate the most about society?  The fact that we keep away thoughts of the dead.  Like your cousins, we tell each other to get over it.  We don't see the importance of death and its impact... Our jobs only allow us three paid days to grieve.  That's ridiculous!  Friends and family expect us to rebound in a month...

In this fast pace society, we don't take the time to heal fully.  I think it is always hardest when deaths are accidents... At least with terminal illnesses, we get to resolve our conflicts, and live in the moment and accept death the best way we can.  With situations like with your brother... it takes much longer to heal, much more time and much more effort.

Is your family open to counseling?  Or bereavement group? 

It seems as if everyone is struggling and hurting a lot... and there's no one to really help.  I am very sorry for your loss, mgic... And I just want you to know that you've been very strong... and that from what you have written, you're a great sister and person.  Take your time, okay?  There's no time limit when it comes to grieving those we love.