Women please confirm.
15 Bad Pickup Lines NOT to Use on WomenAt some point in our lives we’ve all tried to pick up a woman. Chances are, if you're like me, it was in a bar during college or maybe later in a grocery store. After my divorce, I knew I was going to be a bit rusty trying to meet women so I did what all good students do—I studied. I spent many hours observing other guys trying court a woman and gained plenty of valuable knowledge.
I’m here to tell you, there isn’t any cut-and-dry right way to meet a woman, but there are many ways NOT to do it.
Meeting women isn’t an exact science and every woman is different in what they respond to. Avoid at all costs any lines that include “your sign” or tend to be sexual in nature. Anything else is probably OK as long as it’s done correctly. And by correctly, I mean without a leering look on your face or creepy wink, or that awkward touch.
With that in mind, here are 15 pickup lines I suggest you bury deep down, never to be used:
Are those space pants you’re wearing? Because your butt is out of this world. I heard this one used on a friend. The guy obviously had no clue how my friend likes to be approached. She entertained his line only to laugh at how helpless he was. Needless to say, the conversation was short and led to absolutely zero success.
If I said I like your body, would you hold it against me?History shows that early man tried this line, as evidenced in many cave paintings discovered through the years. And history also shows how it didn’t work then either. Show her that we’re not all knuckle draggers, and only mention this line in the context of that awful Britney Spears song with the same name. Of course, if you start off by spouting Britney lyrics, she’ll probably think you’re immature.
Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money? News flash. Women don’t respond well to queries that make them seem like they're part of the “oldest profession.” You may think it’s a slick way to ask if you can buy her a drink, but it’s not. Not even close. It makes you seem like a creep. Just because Frank Sinatra could get away with the line doesn’t mean you can.
I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours? Ugh. Seriously? Chances are you’re going to get a fake number if you ever try to use this line. Try to look at it from her perspective. If some weird chick walked up to you and asked for your phone number, how would you respond? Exactly.
Someone better call God because he is definitely missing an angel. This one is cheesy, but in the right situation may actually elicit a weak smile. Women like to be called angels, but I don’t think this line can be used without some sort of a creepy grin on the guy's face. If it seems like something either Starsky or Hutch would say, avoid it.
Excuse me, do you know the time? Thanks. I wanted to remember the exact moment I met you. Maybe it’s just me, but this one comes off a bit stalker-ish. When I hear this line being used I picture the woman either getting out her pepper spray or texting “HELP ME!!!” to her friend. Why don’t you make a mental note of the time, then down the road (if there is a future) you can tell her you remember exactly where you were at XX:XX on whatever date you met. That make you looks sensitive, not psycho.
Cupid called and said to tell you he needs my heart back. This one isn’t as bad as the rest, but you can do better. Way better. How she responds will depend on the type of woman she is. If she has a sense of humor, she may find a way to laugh at it or at the very least, blow you off politely. If she doesn’t have a sense of humor, she may tell you she tossed it in the dumpster marked “FOOD ONLY.” Be prepared for the worst.
Excuse me. Are you taking applications for a boyfriend? Think. If she says no, where does the conversation go? Like all good interviews, avoid questions that only end with a yes or no answer. “How does one go about applying for the job of your boyfriend?” Works much better. She has to answer this question with more than a yes or no. Even if she says she isn’t accepting applications, you can still ask if she expects a vacancy in the position in the near future. You may crash and burn, but it won’t be while you’re still on the launch pad.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again? Another old and tired attempt. And again, if she says "no" immediately, you’ve put an end to the conversation before it ever had a chance to get off the ground. Chances are high that she will laugh in your face if you say it, so why not trash this one and go with something simple. We’re never as clever as we think we are.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world? Only to be used on the west coast (or anyplace where earthquakes seem to occur regularly). If the girl is anything other than stick thin, you should avoid this one at all costs. Catch her in the wrong mood and she will think you’re laying a fat joke on her. I would avoid natural disasters as a genre. Use the line “Rock you like a hurricane” and you may find out her childhood pet, a beagle named Beauregard, was killed in a hurricane. Not good.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away. If you use this one and the girl says she doesn’t know CPR, do NOT offer to teach her mouth-to-mouth. For some reason, when this line plays through my head, I hear Erik Estrada saying it. Ponch (of "CHiPs") can get away with it. You can’t.
You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae. What? This one does nothing but make you seem like an idiot. If you think about it, the ice cream is what’s melting, not the chocolate. The hot fudge is hot and the ice cream is cold. It’s basic physics. You could say, “You make me melt like the ice cream in a hot fudge sundae,” but by the time you finish, she’ll be halfway through her blow off.
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living? OK, out of all these lines this has the best potential, but only to be used with caution. If taken out of context, she may think you’re asking if she has a job and the ability to take care of your lazy butt. This isn’t a job interview. You only want to talk to her. Her line of work isn’t important. Unless she’s a cop.
Do you have a sunburn or are you always this hot? You really have no clue if she’s hot unless you’ve touched her and to touch her before you’ve spoken to her will probably make her think you’re a perv of some kind. This one obviously works best if the girl isn’t pasty white, and during a time of year people actually see sunlight.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. This one is just plain stupid. If you use it, you should have your man card suspended. A woman is looking for a man who can take care of her, not a whiny little Sally who comes crying home when he scrapes his knee. Fonzie wouldn’t use this line and neither should you.
It may sound like a crazy idea, but what’s wrong with just walking up to a girl and saying, “Hi. My name is Ralph. How are you?” Maybe it works and maybe it doesn’t, but it has one thing going for it that these other lines don’t. If it doesn’t work, at least you go home with some self-respect.
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