Vim kuv tsis paub.

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Turtles. Such beautiful creatures. 

Dreaming of owning a farm...raise some chickens. ..cows...pigs. ...horses...go ats...and of course a puppy!

This song I'm listening to...it makes me think of you. How I still miss you when I'm lonely.

Being self-employed doesn't seem like such a bad idea? Hum.

What's a good place to go for more Halloween or fall theme decor??

I'm sitting here thinking about everything except work. LOL. Training this morning was so boring. Now I don't want to do anything productive. Maybe I'll just sit here like this until lunchtime rolls around and then dip for an hour to get fresh air or do some shopping. Such a slow day. Wish there was a cozy bed in my office.

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Noj ua luaj hmo no. Hiding under my blankets. Brrrr!

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October is finally here! Despite this chilly weather, I will make sure this is a good month for me! Gotta get in my corn maze, haunted house, visit to the farm, fall festival, bonfire, costume and of course bday fun!!!

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I held her tiny body in my arms. As my index finger lightly rubbed her cheeks to wake her up so I could see those big black eyes staring back at me, I realized I too wanted to experience motherhood. All the girls I grew up with and my good friends have all begun that next chapter in their lives but what about me? Why do I feel so lost in time? What am I waiting for? Or am I afraid of something?

How precious babies are. When I am in their presence, it's like all my worries are lifted away...

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I am scared..... What if it's not something I want to hear?

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Ntev tag npaum li no es ua cas tsis sib ntsib li? Did you know that a shaman told me yesterday that my soul has been wandering from me to search for you? Koj nyob rau qhov twg lawm es ua cas tsis pub kuv nrhiav tau koj? People keep asking me when I'll find that man of my likings and get married. I guess kuv tseem tos koj es thiajli tsis tau hais "yes" rau leej twg. I can't come search for you anymore. Wherever you are and whomever you are, tsis txhob ntsim ntsim kuv lawm es los hlub kuv os.....

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Waiting. Only four more days to go. I don't know why I didn't think of doing this sooner. As nervous as I am, I know it's only for the best.

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My heart doesn't belong here anymore. I feel like a robot day in and day out. I'm drained and stressed everyday. What's the point of working hard? They lie and tell me things will get better but I know that's never going to happen. No wonder so many workers quit! This job is not even worth it's pay. For all the shit we have to put up with, all of us should be millionaires by the time we've invested one year into this place. Did they think giving us a slight raise would excite us? I don't even care anymore. F'en work!!!!

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Xmas shopping was so tiring. I spent 3 hrs at the mall today and was pooped. Long lines, crowded parking lots and tons of foot traffic. Not my kind of shopping. The worst part was.....I didn't find anything to buy. I guess I'll have to resort to online. Time is ticking. Oh no!

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The last memory I have of you is when you said...."I hate you." 

Be careful what is said to others. Sometimes those very words never go away.

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I was youtubing and landed on a cock fighting vid. Why do humans exploit and torture animals for the sole purpose of their own entertainment? Isn't it already cruel enough that we consume them? Gosh! I don't even know why I spent 3 minutes of my life watching that video. It broke my heart to see two animals try to murder each other....and there was blood and feathers everywhere! Poor chicken got stabbed right between its head. How can owners justify that they gave their cock a good life from images like these? You basically raised your chicken to have it get killed and score a chance at pocketing a few bucks!!!

Thank goodness such a sport is illegal in the U.S.

I know some Hmong brothers are still engaged in this "sport". Oooooo! I swear, if I ever find out who participates, I'm going to free all their birdies. I'm no PETA activist, but I don't see anything right about cock fights.

Come to think of it, I remember there was news headlines about a man who died from cuts made to his legs after a cock attacked him at one of those cock fighting events. As tragic as that was.....karma does hit.

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Was cleaning my room and ran across my journals again today. 10+ yrs of my life recorded in these treasures! I flipped thru random entries and read them. I sat in my room laughing and crying all at the same time. Came across something I wrote that pretty much reflected my younger days....

"My tears have fallen so much that I forget what happiness feels like anymore."

I guess it took me going thru so much to make me who I am today. My heart has grown strong and I am a much happier person today. 

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It's been almost a year.....yet more missed calls from him this morning.

I don't get why he keeps calling me. Nws xav tias ntshe kuv tsis hais ib lo lus phem rau nws ces txhais tau tias kuv tseem hlub nws lov? I admit I used to pick up his calls because my heart had that glimmer of hope. Tabsis kuv yeej paub lawm tias nws ib txwm tsis yog tus kuv pheej tos tos. Ib tug neeg zoo li nws yog yom neeg es twb hlig dhau lawm ces mam li pom kev sov siab kuv muab rau nws. Kuv yuav tsis qhib kuv lub siab rau nws los tsim ntxom dua. Sometimes goodbyes are better.....I only hope he will come to accept our fates as well.

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I have been gone so long. Updates...

I hopped back into my workout mode. Almost 2 months in and down 20 lbs. Hopefully I can keep this up and keep finding that motivation to push me more. Oh yeah!

Found out some really bad news this month. I will remain brave!

Got promoted and have been stress free for a good two months now. I think my blood pressure dropped because of the shift as well.  Despite, I just realized I'll be reaching yet another year pretty soon here. Wow! Did I really decide to stay this long?

My eyes are at war with me. They want to sleep but I keep forcing them to stay open. Zzzzz!

To be continued..... .

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I didn't imagine that I'd be so much in love with such a small creature. My world is so much sunnier!!