Help me help you...??...

[nou]

I've been really stressed.  I'm losing my hair and I'm only 28 and I'm a woman.  Is that even healthy?  Probably not.

Since the economy isn't the greatest and getting by has been hard, I've been helping around the house (yes, I still live with my parents).  I help clean, cook, and pay bills.  I got a full time job that I go to everyday for the past five years and I have not taken a single vacation time away from home.  On top of that, I have a younger sister who is in college and I pay everything for her.  When she went to college away from home, I paid her rent every month and gave her spending cash for food and other miscellaneous things.  It was too much, so we had her transfer closer home.  But I am still left to pay for her books and tuition.  Recently my parents just bought her a car and I am stuck to pay for her insurance and gas.  Then on top of all that, I have my own bills to pay; car, insurance, loans, phone, etc..

Am I complaining too much?  Probably yes.

My question is, how do I encourage my sister to find a job so she can help herself?  She says she hates depending on other people, yet everything is given to her.  Her first couple jobs were given to her by really good friends... pure luck...  I've lectured her on preparing for her own future and that we cannot be there for her all the time and that she has to work really hard.  College is just a stepping stone to keep your feet on solid ground, it is you who have to move your legs to climb those stairs.. as I always tell her..

I am totally stressed out.  I've come to the end of the rope, where I don't know what to tell her anymore... or how to encourage her to fend for herself.  I really don't want to give her anything anymore... but I think about the sacrifices my parents have to make nowadays just to make ends meet, and I cannot burden my parents.

Help?!

[Peachy Fish]

Nou, that sounds like a very big burden upon your shoulders.

You've every right to complain. You should have a talk w/your parents and her. It sounds like your sister is out of college and have a job now, yet you're still paying for all her expenses. Explain to them you feel it's time for your sister to take up her own responsibiliti es. Your parents and sister may disagree w/you, and I'm sorry for sounding so cold: you may not want to burden your parents w/your sister, but honestly, it was your parents' choice to have this burden. They've a right to tell your sister to take on her own responsibiliti es, or they may simply take it on themselves, yet they pushed the burden onto you, intentionally or not.

Every parent should know that a child brings a burden. You've done so much already. Anyhow, you're a wonderful person for taking care of your sister and family the way you did and do.

[nou]

Peachy Fish,

Sometimes I feel like I have nowhere else left to turn to... so I just complain or else bottle it up inside.

My sister is currently still in college and she has a couple more years to go.  When I think about the next semesters and years to come, I get nervous and I stress out badly.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great relationship with my parents and I do tell them what is going on.  I am open to my parents when they ask me what's left in my account, vice versa.  My parents and I are scraping the bottom of our accounts just to live week by week.  We try to help each other out as much as possible.  But we just have my sister to help out.  We all talk to my sister and tell her to find a job and yet still go to school.  She is stressing out about school, but I've told her that being a college student isn't easy.  I worked three jobs, volunteer, and still went to school full time back in my college days.  My dad was raising six bratty kids, working two to three part time jobs, and still went to college and grad school full time.  My dad and I use our experiences as examples to my sister, but sometimes I feel like she just take us for granted.

I just feel like my dad and I should just be cold towards my sister and not help her out anymore so she would know how to take care of herself. *sigh*...

[MenaceAccord07]

Let her grow up.  Everyone has their own bills.  You could be investing that money...

[boO]

Nou

I know you mean well but you are doing a disservice to your sister in the long run. Your sister is going to develop the princess syndrome.

Stop babying her! And stop protecting her. It's time for you to have a serious conversation with her regarding you and your parents' financial situaton as this will give her a wake up call to pull her weight. I know it's easier said than done.

Good luck!

[SV1985]

I found you being stuck in a situation where you have been helping your sister too much.
My only solution I have for you is stop. And given all the circumstances that happens after that youll just have to deal with it.

I see that u are spoiling her. She may be disapointed in you, but she has to understand that she is living off you.
And although she is going to school and she expects financial help she needs to understand that this is costing you. And what ever reward that she may give you after she completes school isnt the propaganda, if u get my drift.

I'm assumeing she goes to college but above all she goes to parties, clubs, bars and such. With those she can support her own insurance. You are taking on a role that shouldnt be yours. I assume you have no bf too cuz this is taking too much out of your pocket?

Another thing you can do...o and by the way does she live with you? if she does u can take her places with you show her the way..buy food and such. Show her there isnt no shame in smart buying, if u get what i mean. i know young people only want the most exganva(? is that how its spell?) things.

[SV1985]

o and by the way if u are looking for a bg i am also looking for a gf.

[IB TIAM NEEJ]

Let her pay her own bills. If you baby her, she won't learn to be independent. It's been researched and proven. If you've seen the movie Meet the Fockers, Mr. Focker's father-in-law, a man with very high standards was trying to raise this baby by neglecting his every cry. The strategy is to make him learn to be on his own.

Let her fend for herself, just guide her. She'll learn to be resourceful. For instance, there's a lot of scholarships for minorities and certain majors. I won two right out of high school. Let her struggle so she'll know how to appreciate the fruits of her labor.

[nou]

o and by the way if u are looking for a bg i am also looking for a gf.

Hahaha!  Sorry, I just had to laugh... do people really just go around asking for bf and gf nowadays? =P.. JK..

But I already have a BF and he tries to help me out as much as possible, but I don't allow him to because he has his own life to take care of as well.


Thanks for all the advices, everyone... I guess I just wanted to be reassured that it's okay to just not help her out and give her the cold shoulder.  It's not going to be an easy process, but I will work on it.  But still keep giving me your thoughts as others might be in the same situation as me.

BTW, does anyone know how much hair transplant cost?  I might need it soon... seriously...

[ToxicCum]

Humans are supposed to learn as they age. It is part of life, that cannot or should not be avoided. Developing into adulthood along with responsibiliti es are things we humans must be challenged with. This is the normal pattern a person should take. Once you offer too much help, you will have altered that persons normal path into adulthood.

Your choice is to simply, stop. If you truly love your sister, then you must allow her to develop properly, alone. Not only are you making life easy for her (and hard for yourself) but you are also taking away her opportunities to make adult choices and decisions. she must learn by trial and error.

I do not know you well but here is a simple guideline that may or may not be of help:
explain to her, that she must move onwards in life, alone.
explain to her that you have bills also.
give her a time span, saying for example, in January 2012, you will stop helping her financially and she must move on by herself.
help her set up short and long term goals. <--- really, this is the only thing you should be doing
check up on her in the following months to see how shes doing

- do not remind her, when she needs money that you will be there 'again' to save her, she must learn how to deal with life on her own. once you stop helping, it should stop. period. -

good luck!