A traditional hmong funeral for a child with divorced parents-What R YR thought?

[AmazingGrace]

Everyone knows that in a traditional Hmong funeral---for a son, or even a daughter who is not married, the responsibility of the child's funeral for planning and also financially falls on the dad's side/relatives.

In the case where the parents has been divorced for a long time but shares equal custody for the son, but the father always bare more of a financially responsibility of the son--whether he choose to, or the ex ask him to, he pays for more things for the son. The parents are not friends, the father has remarried, and the father and his ex only speak if they have to in regards to that child.

Now if the son dies, the father knows he has to pay and plan the funeral and does it without any hesitation. The father is open to the mother helping financially but If in the case where the mother has no money to help pay for the funeral--should she have a say of the planning of the funeral? such as what food to make, selecting a casket, flower etc...... and have some say or decision making in the coordinating the funeral? What are your thought?

[Reporter]

Everyone knows that in a traditional Hmong funeral---for a son, or even a daughter who is not married, the responsibility of the child's funeral for planning and also financially falls on the dad's side/relatives.

In the case where the parents has been divorced for a long time but shares equal custody for the son, but the father always bare more of a financially responsibility of the son--whether he choose to, or the ex ask him to, he pays for more things for the son. The parents are not friends, the father has remarried, and the father and his ex only speak if they have to in regards to that child.

Now if the son dies, the father knows he has to pay and plan the funeral and does it without any hesitation. If in the case where the mother has no money to help pay for the funeral--should she have a say of the planning of the funeral? such as what food to make, selecting a casket, flower etc...... and have some say or decision making in the coordinating the funeral? What are your thought?

No pay, no say.

To say, must pay.

Or else stay away.

Have a good day!

[AmazingGrace]

LOL like how you said that! 


Now of course the planning will take place at the father's home, not the mother's home. Do you think she would come everyday to help cook and fold the papers at the father's home where he and his wife reside, and their relatives would come everyday to help out? If she was the one that left the marriage or cheated on him, and broke the marriage, would she have the face to show up at his house to plan for the funeral?

[J0RDAN]

Depend on the divorce .....if it was peaceful divorce then I think the biological father has some part in it but if it was an awful divorce and got the law with retraining order against him then let the mother take care. So the woman in this country can learn where consequences occur if u r being mean n rude or vice versa.

[Reporter]

LOL like how you said that! 


Now of course the planning will take place at the father's home, not the mother's home. Do you think she would come everyday to help cook and fold the papers at the father's home where he and his wife reside, and their relatives would come everyday to help out? If she was the one that left the marriage or cheated on him, and broke the marriage, would she have the face to show up at his house to plan for the funeral?

 

Me no know.

But she should at least attend the funeral.

[AmazingGrace]

Me no know.

But she should at least attend the funeral.

I think any parent would.

[Bob_J.D.]

Let's see, their son just passed away and if mother doesn't havevthe ability to contribute she shouldn't have a say in her son's funeral? 

This is the crackpot that drives people.


bob

[Believe_N_Me]

Since the father seems to be more stable, let him handle the funeral arrangements and the mom can contribute money.

[ToxicCum]

True.

2yrs ago, we lost our little nephew, he was 10 yrs old, to a brain tumor. My brother was divorced from the mother already. They lived separately but the boy lived with the mom.

Anyways, during the funeral, we (my brother and our family) conducted the funeral, all out. the mom, did help pay for some of the funeral expenses, out of her own good heart as a mother. But it was also her own choice, not to say too much about how the funeral should be conducted. We did invite her to join in on funeral meetings because we are not an old fashioned family, she just chose not to attend some of the meetings.

IMO, shes the mom....if she wants to say something, let her say it....this isnt Laos anymore nor is it the slavery age...geeez some of u people, u claim to be modern but youre really not....

[Believe_N_Me]

Why do they make it so difficult for themselves? Just do it the American way and call it a day. If they must have a traditional Hmong funeral then let the father's clan arrange it while the mom contributes money. I would like to see her try and make demands to a clan that she has long divorced. I doubt those wives, who are going to be doing the brunt of the work, will see her side of things.   

[MilesDaddy]

all I know is,,, My sons will get a proper burial.... and I don't need your effing money so keep your opinions to yourself. Now is not the time to squabble over money

[yuknowthat]

No pay, no say.

To say, must pay.

Or else stay away.

Have a good day!

[Believe_N_Me]

all I know is,,, My sons will get a proper burial.... and I don't need your effing money so keep your opinions to yourself. Now is not the time to squabble over money

Traditional Hmong Funerals are very laborious. A person could not pay enough people to do the work because nobody would want to do it. People volunteer their time because they expect the same in return. It's unlikely the divorced mother is going to be around for her ex husband's clan and that is why she has no business to make demands about her son's funeral. She can express what she wants and hope that they consider it. Otherwise, she has the option of shouldering the whole funeral but it's a given that her family won't take responsibility because it's outside Hmong custom for the woman's side to do so. They'll probably end up asking around for a Hmong church to help if they aren't already Christians. This is very lame and many Christian members complain about it. They don't feel it makes sense or is even fair to lend such laborious service to people who aren't members of their church. Their feelings are legitimate.

[eyefish]

Decent people wouldn't take this opportunity to fight over their "issues" with each other. Their son died and they need to take care of it - together, civilly.

[Believe_N_Me]

Decent people wouldn't take this opportunity to fight over their "issues" with each other. Their son died and they need to take care of it - together, civilly.

Usually those who don't volunteer themselves to do the arduous labor involved in a traditional Hmong funeral will say this. After sleepless nights of cooking, cleaning, and smelling like cow, one will understand why it's not so easy to be so nicey-nice.

Please understand that a traditional Hmong funeral does not start on the day of the funeral. It starts the week before the actual body gets to the funeral home. That means lots of cooking, slaughtering animals, and playing hosts to guests coming in and out of the home. Sometimes guests do not leave until a little after midnight but they may arrive at the house before 10noon. If it's the husband's clan who will be playing this role then the mom should just be grateful they're doing it at all knowing that she could never return the favor.