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Author Topic: Attempt at descriptive writing  (Read 8506 times)

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Wi_sweetguy

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2013, 11:10:06 AM »
Big bad bummy bully Bob beat Billy's baby boy bad better 



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #16 on: May 18, 2015, 05:25:04 PM »
St. Paul, MN—June 9, 2013.  The two veteran lone grey squirrels here must love this oak branch that hangs just outside my office window.

The human-leg-sized, one-car length branch pointing north from its treemain trunk is covered with scaled barks that looks coarse to the touch. Yes, just looks because I've never been able to reach up to touch it at this height.  Smaller branches with leaves and without—in the falls and winters—stem sporadically from it, projecting up and down in various segments throughout its length; it hangs about twelve feet above ground, just enough for squirrels to feel completely up on a tree and yet safe from any kind of fall or dangerous reach from it.

During the four years that I've been here, I've seen them use it for many things—just scurrying back and forth on it, eating their acorns on, and even having sex with each other on it--much romance between them I've enjoyed viewing. Their activities have recurred consistently throughout the years that I've been here. Sometimes I even miss them if they aren't out there on that branch.
I know I'm late to this, but when conveying the main subject matter it is preferential to open with it first thing.  It creates the necessary descriptive flow that allows the reader to build upon it systematically .

The opening subjects were two squirrels leading to the branch. The reader is fixed on two squirrels now.  Furthermore they shouldn't be described as lone, since there's two of them.  I would reorganize it this way.

This lone oak branch that hangs just outside of my window is loved by two mature well seasoned grey squirrels.

I would change the second sentence just slightly, to help out with the flow. I added the word touch, to the third sentence since it is descriptive of your personal physical relationship comparison shifted from just your eyes.



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zena

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #17 on: May 20, 2015, 06:47:06 PM »
Not a bad fix, VH, but it then becomes your story.  Your voice.



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #18 on: May 20, 2015, 08:54:04 PM »
Not a bad fix, VH, but it then becomes your story.  Your voice.
True in a way I kind of only suggest this methodology for flow for emphasis on the tree branch.  Mostly because I was coached this method.  While I had attempted many times to flow it in a similar method like reporter's.

Overall I think it has a good balance between the squirrels and tree branch.  A sort of relationship that is observed from the window. Yet the tree branch gets the final acknowledgemen t.



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The real villain is looking at you.  The last hero was just not true.  If everything works out in the end.  It's because all things make amends.

zena

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #19 on: May 20, 2015, 09:46:52 PM »
I know what you mean by writing out an example of how you would have written R's story.  But, from reading your phrase and R's story, I hear two different voices and they are quite different.  R's is more descriptive whereas yours is straight to the point.   

That aside, in editing your writing, I would have left out the word "of."  It's not necessary.  But, some might say, it's preference...o r even my voice.  ;D



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Offline VillainousHero

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #20 on: May 20, 2015, 10:11:23 PM »
I know what you mean by writing out an example of how you would have written R's story.  But, from reading your phrase and R's story, I hear two different voices and they are quite different.  R's is more descriptive whereas yours is straight to the point.   

That aside, in editing your writing, I would have left out the word "of."  It's not necessary.  But, some might say, it's preference...o r even my voice.  ;D
LOL you're right, it's not required. 



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Offline yubnag

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #21 on: May 22, 2015, 04:22:02 PM »
Here is my attempt.

The sky outside is dark and gloomy, the wind howls, trees sway in their spots. No tinkering of music or flickering of a candlelight could bring me comfort. A few feet away, a car triggers the outdoor sensor light. The light gleamed to life but it is the only light in the dark. I could not help but see me; the only light in the dark; oh, the loneliness, oh, the courage. If only I could cease this moment for an instant, the grip of loneliness could free me. But again, I would still be the only light.



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Offline Reporter

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #22 on: December 30, 2015, 01:11:30 PM »
OK. I understand now. lol

I think that reference to the "friend"  made it hard for me at first.

Reporter, I thought you would understand the beautiful oak tree, but thats okay.

Explaination of the beautiful Oak Tree

I wrote this short descriptive, but unclear describing my firing love for the beautiful oak tree that I visit every year.  When I see her, the sight of her ability to draw the fury squirrels that gather for her seeds makes my heart beat.  I go breathless and hope my dear friend (my gun) would be there to help me join in my urges.  I stood there study and knowing when it is time, I will be back to visit her again and bring my dear friend for some squirrels.



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Offline Reporter

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #23 on: December 30, 2015, 01:14:51 PM »
Ok. Good points.

I prefer the active voice though, not the passive. I avoid using the "verb-by" kind of action whenever I can avoid it.

I know I'm late to this, but when conveying the main subject matter it is preferential to open with it first thing.  It creates the necessary descriptive flow that allows the reader to build upon it systematically .

The opening subjects were two squirrels leading to the branch. The reader is fixed on two squirrels now.  Furthermore they shouldn't be described as lone, since there's two of them.  I would reorganize it this way.

This lone oak branch that hangs just outside of my window is loved by two mature well seasoned grey squirrels.

I would change the second sentence just slightly, to help out with the flow. I added the word touch, to the third sentence since it is descriptive of your personal physical relationship comparison shifted from just your eyes.



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Offline Reporter

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Re: Attempt at descriptive writing
« Reply #24 on: December 30, 2015, 01:18:27 PM »
Good opening.

I'm interested in knowing what may come next.

Here is my attempt.

The sky outside is dark and gloomy, the wind howls, trees sway in their spots. No tinkering of music or flickering of a candlelight could bring me comfort. A few feet away, a car triggers the outdoor sensor light. The light gleamed to life but it is the only light in the dark. I could not help but see me; the only light in the dark; oh, the loneliness, oh, the courage. If only I could cease this moment for an instant, the grip of loneliness could free me. But again, I would still be the only light.



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