https://www.facebook.com/groups/HVN.LifeClass.DV/permalink/540625472670643/Yee Leng YangWhen I decided to go to Pa Nhia Vue’s burial on August 1, my initial intention was only to find out more about the reasoning behind the controversy of the funeral. It was interesting to me because it was the first time I heard that nobody in the Hmong community wanted to do a funeral for someone. It was an innocent gesture, I thought. But, I quickly found out that some would take offense at me for going, and I received an earful of reasons why Pa Nhia wasn’t receiving a proper Hmong burial. I was even warned that if I gave any sunshine money at the service, they would not be very happy with me. I took that as some sort of subtle threat. A heated argument ensued. Fortunately, it didn’t last longer than a few minutes, and I quickly disregarded their comments. What’s interesting is that I found out I was related to both Pa Nhia Vue and her husband. What’s sad is that one would think that since I was related to Pa Nhia Vue, my decision in going to the burial service should not have been a problem at all. But, oh, what happened was a wake-up call.
And so, I went to the burial service. Would you like to know what was presented in front of me for my mind to digest throughout that day?
I noticed many ongoing issues that were raised by the controversy surrounding Pa Nhia’s burial. They are, in no particular order: (1) The competency of our leaders in finding a solution to such a case; (2) the authority, or lack thereof, of the 18 Clan Council in enforcing a solution to a highly controversial issue; (3) the unequal treatment of women in the Hmong community, regardless of the situation; (4) the necessity to change our perception of the Hmong culture as being completely fixed or inalterable; (5) the effectiveness of the Hmong women’s ability to raise awareness about issues affecting them; (6) the notion that a Hmong woman in a leadership position, if left unchecked, will dishonor her people and her culture; (7) the thought that the most honor that a Hmong woman can bring to her husband and her family is to be submissive and take whatever treatment she receives from her husband and her in-laws; (
the idea that making such a controversy a public debate is bad for our people’s progress; and (9) the belief that obedience to and respect for the Hmong culture and clan system is the best way to help with the progression of our people toward more unity.
I want to dive deeper into each of those issues, but that would take too long. So I will focus on issues (5), (6), and (7).
(5): On this matter, I applaud the women who took the initiative to push our leaders to come up with some sort of resolution, even though in the end there was no solution. This whole case about Pa Nhia Vue wouldn’t be a big case at all if she had received a proper burial. The women’s group that was pushing for domestic violence issues would have quickly been silenced because there’s just not much support for their cause. Even I didn’t go to the burial service to support the movement against domestic violence. But, because our leaders failed to reach some sort of resolution, to the point that the integrity of the Hmong culture was left to be seen as very lacking, it caught my attention. Now, I’m a nobody. But because I care about our culture and our people, I can’t sit idly and not contribute to the positive change that this cause will bring.
(6): I have not seen a better example of how a Hmong woman, as a public figure in a position of leadership, can challenge tradition and still show respect for her people and her culture than the way Mao Khang presented herself at the burial service and during the interview with Suab Hmong. Most individuals who are fighting for a particular cause have tunnel vision and tend to overlook the potential damage their movement can have on other aspects life, especially if their ideas and methodology are too radical. I thought she did a great job, and if everyone associated with her shares the same mentality that she has, then I have nothing but hope for the future that lies ahead for Hmong women. And because I believe that behind every great man is a great woman, there is nothing we can’t achieve moving forward.
(7): I didn’t see domestic violence as a very big Hmong issue at all with Pa Nhia’s case, because the mistreatment or abuse of women is a problem among every people in America, and because there were larger issues than domestic violence in the forefront. But I had the privilege to be mind-slapped while having lunch with female members of the SILENCE group after the burial. Whenever I thought of abusive husbands, I thought of (A) drunken men who couldn’t control their temper who beat their wives because their wives did something to provoke them; (B) men who got carried away while trying to discipline their wives; and (C) the wives of those men who just don’t know to walk out on them. Wow, did I get a wake-up call. I overheard one particular survivor of domestic violence share her story, and I found it to be unique because it made me aware of more issues in the Hmong community. On one occasion, she was beaten by her husband and dragged down a cement staircase while she was pregnant with his child, because of what? Because she woke him up at night to ask for his keys because she needed to get something out of his car. On another occasion, she asked her husband to put their son in another room, and for what reason? Because she saw the look in his face and knew that he was going to beat her, and not wanting her son to see what was going to happen, she put him in another room; and while her husband beat her, she did her best to not make a sound because she didn’t want her son to hear her horrific cries coming from the other room. On yet another occasion, she was able to flee from her husband before he could beat her by climbing out of a window. She ran to her parents’ house, where she would be comforted and protected, or so she thought. What did they end up doing? They put her in the car and sent her back to her husband, and for what reason? Beats the heck out of me! Did your mind just get slapped after hearing about what she went through? Suddenly, what Hmong women with abusive husbands go through is a lot like what some of my Hmong friends went through in middle school and high school, where they got picked on by some White kids for no reason other than they’re not White. They tell their parents, but what do their parents say? “You must have looked at them wrong” or “You probably did something to them” or “It’s because of the way you dress and the kids you hang out with” or “Just stay away from them and you’ll be fine.” Well, what those parents don’t understand is that trouble comes looking for you whether you want it or not. Once I put into perspective how Hmong parents behaved in other situations, it’s no longer surprising why they would send their daughter back to a husband who for sure would beat her again, possibly to the point of disfigurement, disability, or even death. I didn’t like it when Hmong parents were passive in handling bullies during my grade school years, and I don’t like it when they are passive in handling domestic violence today.
I went to Pa Nhia’s burial service to learn more about why she didn’t get a proper funeral service. But I came away learning more about myself, the status of my people’s progress in America, and the many things we need to work on changing to become a stronger, more unified, more intelligent people. If you read this, and you are moved my experience, and you have the chance to attend the memorial service for Pa Nhia Vue in Wausau, do it. If nothing spectacular comes out of it, it’s because you didn’t show up. Most movements require great support and contributions from many individuals. GO, LISTEN, OBSERVE, ANALYZE, DISSECT, PONDER, REFLECT, SEE, and WITNESS what needs to be done to make our people stronger and better. Don’t be passive like the parents in the two cases I discussed. This may have started as a push against domestic violence, but it will include so much more. We need to address more issues than what was listed earlier, but one at a time. IF YOU WANT CHANGE, you need to know one thing: THE CHANGE NEEDS YOU.
Pa Nhia Vue Memorial
Saturday, September 7, 2013
1:00 PM to 5:00 PM
Elder Sanctuary, LLC
215 E. Thomas Street
Wausau, WI 54401