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Author Topic: How is my story so far?  (Read 7655 times)

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composition07

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How is my story so far?
« on: May 20, 2015, 08:02:48 PM »
Please, tell me. Is it good? If it is not, please, highlight the section that you don't like. I will fix it to make it better.

Oh, and leave some comments...



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zena

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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2015, 09:23:41 PM »
I read the first part, The Diary of a Brother, and I'm completely confused because I'm left guessing what's going on.  You have to explain what the photos are and such otherwise it's like a secret you (the author) refuses to reveal which turn away readers.  I like to know as much as the character knows at least.

I briefed through one of your other parts and it's the same.  Very confusing because I'm left guessing.

I learned while taking courses for a Masters in Creative Non-fiction that you have to write out what you are thinking.  Explain it and explain why so the reader can paint that image/situation in their mind.  :)



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composition07

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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2015, 09:52:09 PM »
I read the first part, The Diary of a Brother, and I'm completely confused because I'm left guessing what's going on.  You have to explain what the photos are and such otherwise it's like a secret you (the author) refuses to reveal which turn away readers.  I like to know as much as the character knows at least.

I briefed through one of your other parts and it's the same.  Very confusing because I'm left guessing.

I learned while taking courses for a Masters in Creative Non-fiction that you have to write out what you are thinking.  Explain it and explain why so the reader can paint that image/situation in their mind.  :)

Shall I put it in order? Here is how it goes in order between the chapters and diaries...



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composition07

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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2015, 09:53:09 PM »
The Brother
Prologue: Year 2930, the past
The Great War – WWI, 2930-2960

   Airplanes flew over the smoky skies, sirens roared over the city, and soldiers were in their anti-aircraft artillery, executing firing commands. Everything was in peril. A burst of many shots erupted into the skies from below, bringing bomber planes down one by one. Soldiers on the ground spurred into action as they received orders from their superiors.
   One of the bomber planes opened a shuttle, preparing to drop a bomb from the black skies that was filled with burnt ashes. There were barrels of them, clicking and clacking from the mechanical gears as it churned, lowering a bomb from its opened belly. When it dropped from above, whistling down as it dove like an eagle, it landed on a base on the ground, destroying multitudes of anti-artilleries. Men from beneath the skies, screamed in pain from the impact that landed it on them—they were all crying in terror. The bombers continued to drop more bombs while the people from below who are like ants, continued on their defense.
   Meanwhile, in the city of Zjàujian, (   ) all civilians took cover as they were hidden underneath the city. They were not put in the sewers, hidden away from enemy troops; they were running in the underground escape route, where there were many hallways that lead to an exit. This underground escape route was planned before the war began. Not one enemy or any civilians had discovered this until now. Only their superiors of this country knew about this before the war began. When the civilians continued to run down the long, wide hallway, there was fear in their eyes, hoping that they would survive before the death of noon. Families were holding their luggage that was strapped on a wagon, children were crying for their pets and toys, and elders who are protecting their money and pride—these were desperate times when each one of them hoped they wouldn’t lose anybody or anything. They all headed down on the long, wide road while the sirens and bombings continued to rumble from above their heads.
 
   One of the fighters, who was late on schedule, was flying with his team to defend the city of Zjàujian. This pilot’s name was Cherkha Jei-Ru. He was the leader of this band of fighters, telling his people how to format an offense before getting into the frontline. There was a nametag on his brown leather jacket, which was sewn on the left side of his chest. His buddy, who was behind him, was on a gun turret; he was chewing his gum to where we could hear the crunching and squashing sound from his mouth. He thinks he is way cooler than the rest of the band of fighters. Cocky son of a haha. Him and Cherkha were talking to each other in their native tongue, Neinchian. They were chatting to each other through their headset.
   “So, have you thought of digging some of those chicks you spoke earlier before we left?” said the guy who was chewing on his gum.
   “Yeah, I have. I got their phone numbers…well, some of them,” said Cherkha. “I am going to call them if we make it out alive from this shithole that all of us are in. If we die, we get no pussy.”
   The both of them laughed together on the plane as some of the fighters in the band laughed with them as well.
   “Yeah, I agree. You die, I die, we all die…we get no pussy. Sucks to be a virgin.”
   “Oh c’mon guys, we will get some one day. Just pray to God that we make it out alive and live in one peace,” said one of the fighters who was in the midsection of the band. He spoke to them through the headset.
   Meanwhile, when they were flying over the thick white clouds, a large, huge, metal object was flying beneath them caught their attention so suddenly. It was flying so adjacently between the both of them. The colors on its skin were as black as night and it has a shape of a saucer. It was as big as the entire band of fighters before the both of them have passed the thick white clouds between them. Many of them were astonished to see an airplane that was in a shape of a dish rather than an ordinary airplane with wings. Also, they have never seen an airplane that is as big as their entire team. Black, shiny, and smooth as it spun rapidly with colorful lights, to which no one in the team could not explain what that thing is. Not even Cherkha, the leader of the band; he doesn’t know either as well. The entire team, who was following Cherkha, assumed that this was no ordinary airplane. This object they have seen was to assume that this saucer didn’t belong to their enemies, which they were about to face pretty soon. One of the fighters in the band, jolted his gun at ten o’clock and pointed at the saucer downward from above, waiting for what it will do.
   “Holy shit! I have seen many airplanes like ours and others with wings…but I have never seen an airplane like this one,” said one of the guys on the headset radio, who was at the back of the team. “What is this thing anyway? I mean, I am feasting my eyes on this thing to understand how on earth can it fly without any wings. It’s extraordinary to see this, but I don’t understand at all. Captain Cherkha, please do explain what this thing is?”
   “I don’t know, but hope it’s friendly,” said Cherkha. “I will send a message and a photo to report this to headquarters. Maybe they might know something; maybe they might explain what this thing is.” Then he took some photos as it was flying beneath them. He took quite a few pictures by measuring its body from head to toe.
   This flying saucer, as you know it, didn’t make a single sound. It was just flying smoothly as it cut through the wind while the sun shone upon the large dome in the middle of its body, causing a reflection to shine back against Cherkha’s face.
   “Well, whatever it is, my guns are pointing at it. Can I shoot at it, sir?,” said one of the guys on the headset who jolted his gun earlier.
   “No, not yet. Do not shoot! We will wait for what it will do first.”
   As they were feasting their eyes on this mysterious flying object that was flying below them, it went ahead of them. The band of fighters who were pointing their guns at the saucer, raised their weapons in motion as the saucer rose next to their altitude. Then, it released a sonic boom as it vanished in lightspeed, flying into outer space, leaving the men to ponder about it. Cherkha, the leader of the band of fighters, stared at the white smoke of what it has left behind and continued to gaze upward into the heavens. The white smoke, that is has left behind, came from a burst of light that burns the metal with the smell of burnt sulfur. He thought to himself by thinking they might have been visited by someone rather than somebody in this world. The white, puffy smoke, which was its remaining, has raped the skies as it disappeared from their sight, leaving them with some disturbing attention. As the entire band continued to gaze upon the skies, they continued to follow Cherkha as they saw the city ahead of them.
   “Whatever it was, whatever that thing is, it ain’t no Tyrenkian being,” said one of the guys who was in the middle of the band, speaking through his headset. “It looks like we have been visited by someone outside from our world.”
   “Strange shit, isn’t it?,” said the guy who was chewing his gum. 

End…



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composition07

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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2015, 09:53:30 PM »
The Brother
Chapter 1: Year 2990, the past
World War II, 2990-3000

   I remembered on the day when father abandoned my sister and I to an orphanage home in one rainy night. My sister, Leiye, ran off in the street as one of the nurses slipped their hands to grasp her. This all happened so suddenly. I didn’t want my father to go on his next mission since he told me that this was his last moment between him and the both of us. My father’s name was Cherkha Jei-Ru and he was a war hero veteran in the times of World War I and World War II. He left something behind before we left the house. It was a classified government folder. He was working for the Queen of Eglas, who was the ruler of the Confederate States of Eglas, which were known as, ‘The Kingdoms of Eglas.’ The reason why my father abandoned us was to protect us from Hermanian spies, who were hunting us down. Hermania, one of the confederate states in the Kingdoms of Eglas, was rebelling against the Queen for bringing tyranny in their country, saying her orders were unjust. My father, who worked for two states in the confederate kingdoms, was ordered to kill Der Duxüher, the leader of Hermania. He was successful until he realized that it was something else that was hunting for us—an unidentified classification threat. To me, I didn’t know the real truth about my dad when I was still alive. I only found out when I died in my late teens.
   Let me tell you something about my story. My name is Aruja Jei-Ru (  -   [Ah-lu-jah Jawh-Lu]), son of Cherkha Jei-Ru (  -   ), telling my story of how I lived before meeting death. I will tell you about my mother and father, how they live lived before I was there.
   My father, who I told you about already, thought it was Hermanian spies who were hunting him from the postwar of WWII. Truly, he was killed on the day when Governor Balfore Beckard died on Election Day. It was posted all over the media as this was spread worldwide. The United Republic of Federation was shocked to hear this from the Kingdoms of Eglas since they were supporting them during the war. My father, who was the Queen’s Ground Dog—the most royal servant of Eglas—was burned to death by an unknown foe. During the same incident, the Queen of Eglas was assassinated on Election Day. Her body was skinned as it was hung on the wall where her blood bathes it. It was a warning. They left a message on her back, an unknown language which no linguist could read. In fact, it’s a language that no linguist has ever seen at all.
   On that day, I was crying along with Leiye as one of the nurses in the orphanage home was trying to comfort us from our pain and losses. We watched the news of the horrific bloodshed that was reported on television. One of my father’s comrades, who survived from the incident, told us not to see his grave or visit the place of where he died. It was too dangerous for us. He told us that we were half Tyrenkian since half of my blood came from my father. The other half came from my mom, which he didn’t know what being she really was. He gave me some classified government information about her people since they knew so little about them. The only thing that he knew was that my mother’s people were very dangerous.
   By the looks of his eyes, he gave me a serious look as if I was dangerous too. How on earth did I get into this mess with my parent’s issues? What did they do?
   Mom, however, she died peacefully when she gave birth to Leiye. During that time, I was only a child. She was the best person that I have ever known in my life. Even though, her people were dangerous, I don’t know of what my father’s comrades really meant when he said about dangerous. Words slipped out from his mouth about the war and all that had to deal with my mother’s people. Little did I know that it was her people that had caused both wars. It was her that caused our family be hunted by something that I didn’t know much about. In fact, I didn’t know much about mom and her side of the family since she never spoke about them. My father too, had never spoken about her side except for his side. Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Kou—I only knew them from my dad side. I later knew about my mom side when I left Tyrenkia after from my post death.
   During World War II, my father was on a mission to defend the frontline of Ujoga’s border. Ujoga didn’t have any advance weapons except for muskets. The only thing that they have was trebuchets, swords, pikes, heavy slingers, and heavy horsemanship. Their enemy was Gustalian, to which they have tanks, airplanes, heavy infantry, snipers, and heavy cars. It seems like there was no hope for the Ujoganian people to survive this war. Surprisingly and ironically, it turns out that the Ujoganian had beaten the Imperial Gustalia’s troops twice in a row at dawn. About 200,000 Ujoganian horsemanship, flanking from behind of the Gustalian troops, which was about 10,000, came in and dispatched them before they even fired. Trebuchets were firing from left and right while 30,000 Ujoganian muskets were sniping as they were hidden in the dried sand. Some of the Gustalian’s airplanes were taken down one by one from the support of Eglas. Thanks to my dad, who was an airplane fighter, stopped their attacks.
   Father was rewarded by the Queen of Eglas before the incident of their death. Before my father abandoned me, I once had a home with my entire family except for mom. Speaking about my dad’s classified folder that belongs to the government, I peeked inside the folder and found something unexpected. I found a picture of my mom with documents that said she wasn’t a Tyrenkian. Next it was my sister and I to which we were half Tyrenkian. As I flipped the papers, I found more documents in the classified folder while my dad was upstairs, talking on the phone to one of his comrades. What I found was a photo of a flying saucer, taken in the times when my father was on his first mission during World War I. Next, I found an ancient ruin that was taken in the South Pole of Analitatica in the postwar of World War I. It had the same writings as the ones that were written on the Queen’s skin when she died. I remembered this before I was abandoned to be put into safety. What are these things anyway?
   After that incident of my dad being ‘all-that-of-hero,’ it was the only memory that I was going to remember for a long time. What he gave me was a pocket necklace that held a picture of him, mom, and me. My sister wasn’t in the picture because she wasn’t born yet. This was when my father came home from the war before he was going to the next one.
   It was the only thing that I got—the only thing that I am going to remember and miss for a long time.
 
   One night, my sister was chit chatting with her boyfriend at her early age when she was not supposed to. I am her older brother after all, but her disobedience began to grow because of the absence of our father. That time, she knew nothing why he left us—not until I told her the truth. Sorry dad, I had to break a promise but she had to know the truth. You dumped us from something horrifying that I don’t know of what you searched about. Yeah, seeing that folder again and again—it gave me a lot of questions to ask you why mom wasn’t a Tyrenkian being.
   On that very night, we had argued. She said to me, “I ain’t a little girl anymore. Don’t you see that I can take care of myself?”
   I yelled at her. “If you think you can take care of yourself, who is feeding you when I have a job? Who is supporting you to go to school?” Right then at that moment, she shut up.
   “Whatever you do, you’re too young to date. If I catch you with him at his place in the night, I will embarrass you in front of him.” Tsh, is it just me, or do I sound a lot like dad? Well, having the attitude like dad brought some memories when he used to say things like this to me when I was a child. Man, I sure did miss my old man.
   It’s been several years when I was kept away from my dad’s graveyard since I was ordered by another governor to keep away from it. I guess it’s a protection restriction line for my own safety. Am I really that special to be hunted by Hermanian spies? What did I do wrong to them? I wondered.
   Speaking about the night, I did have a little talk with my sister’s boyfriend, Reik Léion, a troublemaker in the orphanage home, to stay away from her. He may be pretty boy with a charm to attract girls, but I found him as a threat when it came to sneaking around and breaking the rules. And I did give him a mean glare to make sure he understood my expression. It sure did give him the attention before he backed off.
   When I left the orphanage home during the rainy night, I went and bought some food for the both of us—my sister and I only. Her boyfriend could watch us eat as I was going teach him a lesson not to mess around with my sister since he was nothing more than trouble. I remember the day when he broke into the master’s office and stole something from his desk. He’d also stolen some money from the orphanage home as well and he was going to spend it on his wanting rather than his needs. This was my reason why Reik was a bad influence.
   When I approached in the fast food restaurant, I ordered some Gamcho Beef Bowl with steamed vegetables on the side. Meanwhile when I was ordering food, little did I know that I was being followed when I came here to this restaurant. There were two men that parked their car next to me while I was on my way back to the streets. I didn’t have a car, so I just walked there with my umbrella. The storm as you know it, was rainy like hell. The two men were wearing an overcoat dress that had a kaki color. Also, the both of them were wearing their leather hats that covered them from the rain. One of them held a gun in his hand when the both of them came out from the car. I stopped my walk all of a sudden while I was holding a plastic bag that was full of the food that I bought earlier. It was still fresh as it steamed out from it.
   The two men who came out from the car, stood there as I look at them back. I couldn’t see their faces as the shadows of the night covered it. I stood and watched, backing away slowly, breathing shivery before trying to run away from them. It turned out that I couldn’t. I was too scared.
   The two of them, came forward as they approached to the light of the restaurant. One of them was a scary looking guy and the other was ugly as hell. I guess I will have to name them the scary man and the ugly man. The scary man, however, was smoking on a cigar, puffing out his smoke as the wind blew it away. The ugly man had a white eye on his right side, scarred like never before. They approached me and they looked at me from up high. And yes, they were pretty tall.
   “Your name is Mr. Aruja Jei-Ru, I recall. Such a young adult,” said the scary man who approached to me with a sardonic, sarcastic attitude. Then he puffed out a smoke at my face like he didn’t care about his manners. “Do you know why we are here, Mr. Jay?”
   “No sir. Who are you?” I said.
   “Who am I? Well I am the one who killed your father.”
   Right at that moment, I literally dropped my food on the ground and my umbrella as I raised my fist at his face. He caught it with his bare hand as he chuckled at me.
   “I guess I will take it that you are Mr. Aruja then. My, you are a strong boy. You could be useful to our master. In fact, I don’t even like you either. Do you want to know how I killed your father and why I did it?”
   “You bastard!” Then I raised another fist at him as I was coming at him on the side. The ugly man shot me in the leg as I fell down to the ground, splashing the puddles everywhere. “How dare you! I will kill you. I will tell everyone who you are and…”.
   “Oh, you’re going to snitch on me about the entire world about who I am? You know, that voice of yours sounds very rebuking. I don’t like any people who rebuke my evilness and what I do. I like to kill and kill for other people for money. Before I kill you, as I was ordered by my master, I will tell you how I killed your dad. I am going to have lots of fun with you. After that, I will kill the people inside that restaurant so that nobody won’t tell the truth of what happen. Pompisché?”
   “duck you!” I screamed. “I will rip your ducking face off!”
   Then the ugly man shot me on the other leg to the point where I couldn’t stand up any more. I gave them a mean glare as I struggled to get up like a man.
   “You got guts kid,” said the scary man. “I like that. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. About your father, I killed him because he was married to your mother who wasn’t a Tyrenkian. She was an Immortal like us—a traitor, as we Divergent of Immortals called her people, ‘The Traitors of Immortals.’ You see, I created fire from my hands as I burned him alive. The only thing that I didn’t burn was his pretty, good-looking face. I skinned it to keep it as a trophy to prove to our master that we killed him. You, my friend, look just like him. I would love to skin you and put on my trophy plaque. We have other friends who might want to mutilate your body into prostitution by selling you with a high price. However, my boss wouldn’t want me to sell you into those things. He ordered me to kill you in case you interfere with our business and his plans. Too bad—such a waste. It looks like you are going to die.”
   I grabbed his foot as I was trying to bite him. He pushed my hand off with his left foot and kicked me in the face a couple of times. I started to bleed as my nose was damaged from the brute force of his kick.
   “Ooh, you're a feisty one. You know what. I guess my fun time is going to happen right about now. I am going to kick you to death while you are on the ground, covered with your own blood in the rain.”
   He kicked me multiple times in the head and he kicked me multiple times in the body. He’d also laughed hysterically before he stomped his heel on the back of my face as he squeezed it hard.
   The guy who was holding his gun, laughed hysterically from my struggles. “Acht que champolio ergeane cetati! Conaté yavkonochi ecxavisti…”
   “Haschivik kun doi na,” said the scary man with his exaggerating rude voice. The both of them were having fun with me as they laugh together sinisterly. I wish I knew of what they were speaking since it was in Helegian.
   “Now, I want to ask you one more thing. Do you have anybody else in your family? I will spare you if you tell me.”
   I nodded no as I was dying slowly. I lied to him in order to keep Leiyé safe from these guys.
   “You better not lie to me or else, I will give you a beating like you have never had in your life.”
   I could barely breathe from all of those kicks as I was suffocating from the impact that I had. My head started to feel dizzy as everything that I was seeing became a blur.
   The ugly man saw that I had a pocket necklace. He snatched it off from my neck and opened it. There was a photo of my mom, dad, and I alone in that photo. He was convinced that I was the only heir in this family.
   The both of them looked carefully. The scary man was convinced as well from what I had left of my father.
   “I guess you are telling the truth. You are the only heir to this family. Any last words, Mr. Jay?”
   “I…” as I my breathing dying slowly. “I will see you…in hell…”
   The ugly man shot me in the head and I died instantly that night. Then they stormed into the restaurant and killed everyone else before the cops got there.
   The scary man, who wanted my face, skinned it before burning my body into crisp. My soul, of course, was standing there as I tried to chase them. It turned out that I couldn’t. That night, I died. The rain was showering over my dead body as the blood spread all over the parking lot. My face was skinned as I didn’t expect that they had superpowers. They told me that I was an Immortal, but I did not know what it was. Not until I met the Man of Christ, who had taken me into Heaven after my death.
   That very night, I was in Heaven rather than in Hell. Everything changed afterwards before I became of who I am. My name was Aruja Jei-Ru, and I became the Angel of Wrath. This is my story of where my journey began.

End…



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composition07

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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2015, 09:54:20 PM »
The Brother
Chapter 2, Up in Heaven:
The Past - Near to the present
Together Again…

   When I met the Man of Christ, he took me to Heaven as the both of us entered inside a vortex. Every part of my body was adapting to the new environment in Heaven. All of my five senses were changed as they were increased tenfold—no, maybe even more than that. When I arrived at Heaven, standing next to the Man of Christ, behold, there were giant gates that shadowed over me. They were huge—the biggest gates that I had ever seen in my life. My eyes boggled out as they were trying to crawl back inside my eye sockets. The gates were made of gold from head to toe. When the gates of Heaven were opened, I covered my eyes from the bright lights coruscated through the opening of the center. For a moment, my eyes adapted to the bright lights all of a sudden. Then I saw the streets of Heaven were made of gold, glittering luminously as the lights in Heaven shone on it. Beyond the golden streets, what I saw were lushes of greens, spreading all over the mountains and hills. Grasses and plants were as shiny as emerald crystals before they started to play a tune in front of me. There were unique rare animals and creatures that I hadn’t seen in my world. I’d say, about a few I might’ve recognized; however, most of these creatures in Heaven were truly bizarre and magnificent.
   Beyond to where I was standing, I saw a strange golden city over the mountains and hills, where the Heaven’s light shone luminously on its skin. The Man of Christ took me there as we were talking on our way to get there. Everything in Heaven was beautiful to the point I couldn’t describe its beauty. I just awed all the way through like a kid when I first arrived there as a newbie. I tried to understand everything of what was happening; however, it’s hard to grasp everything all at once through telepathy. I would do my best to pick it up somehow anyway…
 
   The Man of Christ was teaching me all the languages from all sentient beings in many other worlds. What I learned was Chinese, to which I didn’t know what they were until now. It seemed pretty simple. This was what I said: “Nín hǎo. Wǒ de míngzì shì Ālǔyǎ. Wǒ zhù zài Nànzhìguó. Wǒ zài xiàbèizi guòqù zuòwéi wǒ zhàn zài zhèlǐ de tiāntáng. (您好,我的名字是鲁亚就卢。我住在南只国。我在下辈子过去作为我站在这里的天堂).”
   Next, I also learned how to speak Bustovian.
   “Ontoki kavi puschto tälliä kuchulä (It’s nice to speak this language).”
   “Tu füa oikû boviä,” said the Man of Christ. It means, ‘very good.’
   It seemed like I became knowledgeable in an instant of understanding all languages that were made in all creations. And yes, the Man of Christ and I were having a polyglot showdown in some ways if you look at it this way. Not until He slipped some few words to me during my polyglot lesson. He told me that I will become the Angel of Wrath. His reasons why He chose me because I had a higher probability of saving the world for the greater and good. He’d also told me that I would train here as a warrior before I return back to Tyrenkia. I accepted his commands as we were practicing on how to control my own powers as an angel.
 
   When the Man of Christ and I entered the golden city that we saw earlier from the distance at the golden gate, its name was New Jerusalem. It had gold colors with red stripes all over it when I approached it up close. Then the Man of Christ said to me that this golden city belongs to the humans who once lived on Earth a long time ago before their planet was consumed by their sun. Earth was a lot smaller than Tyrenkia since Tyrenkia is seven times bigger than Earth. We also had two moons: Alios and Chéun. Alios has an intelligent life since the United Republic of Federation were the first one that landed there before the Confederate States of Eglas—A.K.A., “The Kingdoms of Eglas.” Neinchia, one of the biggest confederate states in Eglas, was the first one who landed on Chéun—a lifeless moon that orbits around Alios. My people colonized that moon—a moon to show our empire how strong we were. However, it’s better than doing nothing since it was worth a shot. I am half Neinchian and half Itonese. My father was an Itonese while my mother was a Neinchian. It’s good to be Asian since in our community, it’s a small world to get to know each other through family connections of your surname.
   The man of Christ told me that my dad lives in the City of New Jerusalem—a city that never sleeps, a city that celebrates like never before, and a city that sings to God everyday as they rejoice this everlasting glee. By the looks of this city, everything was danger-free. I had seen people that were flying with wings or without wings. They were wearing in some kind of red, golden suit of armor. I’d also saw the kids in central park in Heaven, singing with praises as the conductor was coordinating them. They were standing up while the conductor who was wearing in red, she seemed to be very enthusiastic about her job. Almost everyone was wearing red and golden stripes as the two colors complete within each other. Some of the clothes had some golden small, speckle dots; some were different that contrast the clothes and yet, it would still go together. All of the designs that they wore had different taste to its flavor that depends on the person’s mood. What I mean is that their mood depends on the level of their happiness. The Man of Christ told me these people were humans before their body was changed. They were the survivors of Earth before Lucifer and their sun was consumed by death. However, Lucifer remains alive and yet, he remains as a threat to all creation on this very day.
   Speaking about flying things in the sky, Heaven also had strange technology that I hadn’t seen in my whole entire life. Not even the people of Tyrenkia would ever believe if they saw this since these technologies don’t exist in my world. It would take a madman to believe this. You might not even know when the madman might be killed for being insane from truth. Then, one of the humans had a flying car, flying too close to me as it wobbles out of control. He flew over my head, honking it twice before taking off in a higher altitude. I took cover as I duck from it.
   “Sorry about that,” said the man in the flying car as his voice had a Doppler Effect.
   There were strange flying animals that were being rode on—men and women, galloping them like a chariot race. Then I saw flying objects that I cannot tell what kind of technology they were. Speaking about men and women riding these weird, looking majestic animals, I will take that back. It seems the animals look like robots, cyborg, or something that I cannot tell the differences by their skin. I just awed all the way through by its beauty while Christ and I were touring down the golden city of New Jerusalem.
 
   When the Man of Christ led me to my father, he said that I had to meet him. It was urgent; He told me that time was essential since our world is about to face the wrath of Lucifer pretty soon. Maybe this was about why they were killed back on Tyrenkia.
   When I was in my father’s living room, standing with the Man of Christ. I saw my mother as well, sitting on the couch before spotting me at the distance. I stood at the long hall as the living room was built in roman structure. I looked at my mother as if, I couldn’t believe of what I was seeing. I cried and wept with sorrow silently inside my heart. It’s been too long from those years that I spent my life on Tyrenkia without them. Father turned around when he was still facing at the large, wide window, reading a book before he closed it. My heart melted as I was staring at my father who I long waited to see since I was alive on that wretched planet.
   “I have been waiting for you, my son,” said dad. “It’s been too long for us to wait for you,” as he looks at me in the eyes.
   “Dad? Is that you?” as I shrug my head while tilting it to the right. My tears continued drip from my cheek to my jaw.
   “Welcome home son. Welcome home…,” said dad.
   I ran towards them as the both of them hugged me in one grasp. Mom was crying as she was worrying about me. Right when I touched the both of them, I felt their presence of emotion that burst the room with telepathic waves that came from the three of us. It was an emotion that I couldn’t describe. All I could know is that I was having a bittersweet ambivalence emotion. Having the vision to see their entire life by a single touch, I saw mom’s history. I also saw dad’s too, to which I am trying to grasp everything all at once to understand why my parents and I were killed. I prayed Leiyé is okay.
   “Oh father, I miss you…so much—” I cried with tears while I was struggling for my breath.
   “Shh…don’t cry. You’re here with me now. You are safe with us.” He patted my head as I wept on his shoulders, giving a huge grip on his leather brown coat until my tendons started to sore. It was the same coat that he wore when he entered on his first mission on World War I as a captain of the crew.
   “Oh Aji, I am so glad that you are here,” said mom.
   The Man of Christ was standing at the distance at the hall before he vanished. I noticed his presence when he vanished like as if he wanted us to spend some time within each other alone for this very moment. Father too, noticed that as well.
   I looked at him and said, “Dad, why did you leave us? I missed you. Why can’t you just walk away from your mission?” I was still crying, trying to get a grip of myself.
   “I can’t son. I made a promise to your mother that I must protect you at all cost. I abandoned you to an orphanage home so that they could take care of you. Can you please forgive my actions?”
   I looked down for a bit. Then I nodded yes. Watching my father’s corpse on T.V. with Governor Beckard on the side was the last thing I saw of my father. Thanks to one of his comrades who told us not to visit his funeral, the people that killed my dad were waiting for me on that very day. I noticed that his spirit was here on Heaven as well. Did he really die after he met us? I know he was the last member of the team who helped the Queen of Eglas before meeting us at the orphanage home.
   “Thank you son. I wanted to lift this guilt from me and you did it.” Father look down at me as my forehead was next to his chin. My dad is the tallest guy in the family while my mother was up to my chin. I was very happy to see them again.
   “Dad, the Man of Christ told me that I would return back to Tyrenkia. He told me that I would become the Angel of Wrath. I understood his telepathic feelings since the people down there, who called themselves ‘The Immortals’, I would like to hear more about them.”
   “Sure son. You have much to learn about who you are and where you come from. I will tell you about my story of how I met your mother during the war.”

End…



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composition07

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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2015, 09:55:24 PM »
The Brother
Father’s diary
Year 2930
My Diary
Back at headquarters, I talked to my superiors about the pictures that I took from the last incident that I had earlier. I discussed with them and none of them knew what this thing was. My superiors told me to shut my mouth about this and never say a word. All of my crew who saw it, were forced to act like it didn’t happened. It’s a flying dish with no wings, flying without a single sound at the speed of fifty miles per hour underneath us. Not until it disappeared at the speed of light. I wish I knew what it was. If I did, I might have shot it down if possible.
   The war between Neinchian and Iton that lasted for seven years, I betrayed my country over for the Queen’s authority. She knew that I was fit to be the best servant for her since my people, who despise the Queen of Eglas, called her a tyrant. Iton, the country that I so loved in my heart, became a fool by their demands of wanting to be an independent nation on their own, was a bad idea. They were allied with Hermania and Bustovia when they wanted peace like the United Republic of Federation: independent, revolution, and justice for all. However, they are naïve and so blind to see that they are outnumbered. They called me a disgrace for siding with the tyrant when they are blind to see that we are a nation as one in Eglas in the confederate states.
   However, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I serve the Queen of Eglas in the confederate states of power to control the provinces as one. The Queen is the empress and no one is higher—neither king nor stewards shall not be the head.

Ulani 12, 2930
Cherkha Jei-Ru











« Last Edit: May 20, 2015, 09:59:18 PM by composition07 »

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composition07

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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2015, 09:55:52 PM »
The Brother
Chapter 3, Immortal’s history:
The Past - Near to the present
A Long Talk with Dad

   When father was explaining about his past, I sat apart from him as the coffee table was set in between. He was facing me as we were talking. I asked him what were Immortals and what was their reason for hunting us down. Father said that they belong to my mother’s side along with her history. He knew somewhat about them after my mother bore me in the post of World War One. Mom sat on the other chair that was next to me on my left side. She was listening to our conversation between as father and son. It wasn’t her turn to speak about her story—not yet.
   “Son, this is very important. Do you remember that classified folder that you peeked inside?” as he gestured at me with his eyes. He gave me a deadpan face look.
   How did he know that I peeked into his stuff? He caught my attention as I tried hiding it. I was trying to act like I didn’t know anything about that folder; however, I ought to know that it was bad to peek at someone’s stuff without permission. Well, I cannot lie in Heaven since that wouldn’t make God happy at all. In fact, if I did, I wouldn’t be worthy of being the Angel of Wrath, a servant of God. Since everybody’s minds were being read through a telepathic circuit, don’t you ever wish that you could hide your sins. It sucks when you don’t have certain privacy since we, as the children of God, were born as sinners. It’s hard to gain His trust if we desire some privacy on our own.
   “How did you know that I looked into your folder?” I’d ask.
   “You cannot hide your sins, son. I had seen it when God showed it to me. In Heaven, there is no such thing as privacy until you gain God’s trust. It’s the number one thing that is hard to do in Heaven. But I would like for you to answer my question: did you look into my folder? Yes or no?”
   By the way he sound, he was rebuking me in an innocuous question. “Yes father, I did. I am very sorry if I looked into it without your permission. Please, forgive me. It’s was my curiosity that drove my attention into a temptation.”
   “Well, you shouldn’t be. If you were still alive, they would’ve kidnapped you and taken you in as a hostage that holds government information. They might even torture you to speak about that classified folder if mom’s people were there to do so. However, since you are dead, like us, I can forgive that. It’s a good thing they didn’t come to you to take information, but come to you to kill you because of your mother and I. And since you looked into it already, do you recall one of those strange photos that you saw was a saucer?”
   I nodded yes. Phew, I thought I was going to get a beating for doing something stupid. At least my old man didn’t explode his anger if I did something like that. And yes, I did look into that classified folder a couple of times whenever he’s not around in the house when I was still alive.
   “When I was talking to one of my superiors before I met your mom since her and I were dating in those times, my superiors told me to keep my mouth shut. That I didn’t do. And yes, now you know where you got your ‘curiosity’ comes from. You got that attitude from your old man here—a troublemaker that gossips too much about a certain thing that needs to be quiet,” said dad as he had a drawled voice. Then he put his right arm around the coach as he was trying to sit well.
   “Good old times…isn’t that right, Anita? I remember you always lectured me about that,” said dad.
   Mom’s real name was Anita. Her last name was Vorshael. She got her last name from her super great grandfather who lived long ago to which she doesn’t know his real age. I don’t know much about him, but soon or later, I would find that out after having this long talk with dad.
   Mom smirked at dad as she shook her head.
   “Since you asked me about what were Immortals earlier, I have little information about them. The only thing that you will get from me is that there is something wrong with our government. You will be taking my place since I cannot go back to Tyrenkia to fix where I left off.”
   I was confused to what dad just said earlier. Taking his place? What place? Does he mean as a spy? Why am I taking his place as a Royal Ground Dog?
   “Wait…your place? You mean I am taking your place as a Royal Ground Dog?”
   “No son. Not a Royal Ground Dog or even a spy. I was more than a Royal Ground Dog and a spy as well. I was part of the men in black suits, searching for abnormality that wasn’t Tyrenkian like your mother. The governor knew about your mother after I told them about her. She and I have fought before by accident when I was on a mission. That was when I had to tell the government to keep our people safe from these beings.”
   “Wait…you mean, you fought mom?”
   “Yeah, physically. I found out that she wasn’t a Tyrenkian when the both of us were going for the same target on a mission. I didn’t know that she was an assassin who works for a man name ‘Clyde Calawis.’ I also didn’t know she was a spy as well. All I thought of her was that she was my wife rather than a warrior in secret. She was looking for a man who was working for the government before she failed to meet her task. I was the problem that was in her way during on her mission when I was on my mission on that same incident. She was in disguise as she was trying to run away from me.”
   What? Mom and dad had fought physically together on a spy mission? Holy crap, why didn’t they tell me about this when I was still alive? Man, they actually fought…well, by not knowing each other’s real identity. It’s a spy vs. spy thingy. What a surprise…
   “So you two fought on a spy mission?” I’d asked skeptically.
   “Yep. I was about to kill my own wife without knowing her real identity. She was wearing a cool looking mask with some cool looking outfits until I took her mask off.”
   Mom’s blood started to boil. “And yes, I did tell you to leave and I didn’t even want to hurt you. I would’ve killed you if you pulled that trigger behind my head. I would’ve changed the anatomy of your bones into a fragile stick. You might’ve died if I punched you in the ribs. You’re just lucky that I know who you are.”
   “Wait, WHAT!” as I raised my voice in a query way. I was surprised to hear this from mom. I had never seen the looks of her face like this—all angry and emotional with that mean look on her face.
   “Sorry about that Anita,” as he rubbed his hand on mom’s hand, hoping that she would forgive him for telling this story to me. “I didn’t know at all. But I am sorry for retelling this story to our son.”
   Mother sighed.
   “Dad…you pointed a gun at mom?”
   “I did…behind her head. I didn’t know who she was until I was shocked to see her face. She had some powers that scared the shit out of me. She was in fact trying to tell me that I should abort this mission or else, I would have to face the consequences in battle. My goal was to capture this guy and bring him to the Queen’s Headquarters.” Then he took a breath before speaking again. “I remembered that Anita told me that she was going out tonight with some friends of hers who visited our town. Not until I realized that they were with her in battle when I spotted them during my mission. They killed those people who were hunting for her and her people before she told me that she was considered as a traitor to her own kind.”
   A traitor? Yeah, I remembered that guy who killed me on the street, claiming that my mom was a traitor, while my dad wasn’t supposed to marry my mom. I didn’t know what he meant until right now when I asked my father. “Can you explain to me what were the Traitors of Immortals? Can you also explain to me what were the Divergent of Immortals?”
   My father sighed from his nostril as he breathed it out. By the look of his face, he didn’t really like to talk about it; however, he had no choice since I was going to take his place as a spy or something. I didn’t know what I was going to be.
   “Yeah, about those guys. I know very little about them since I stole something from them in the post of World War II. I forgot what it was, but I gave it to the person who I could trust. It was the person who I was working for, the person who I was loyal to—the Queen of Eglas. She was affiliated with them before she was killed. She didn’t know who they were by identity until she met them before her demise. I was the one who told her about these people since they were related to your mother’s people, the Divergent. However, the Divergent and the Traitors were two different factions that do not get along ever since the Days of Lior. It’s a civil war between good vs. evil. Your mother was part of the Traitors of Immortals and she had her reasons why she chose that path. The Queen knew who your mother was by knowing that she was different when I demonstrated her to the Queen. After I gossiped about the classified information to the Queen, she was well aware of these people until she realized that it was too late that the Divergent put her on checkmate. I should’ve kept my mouth shut, like when my superiors told me to do so.”
   “So they killed you because you talked too much about this?”
   “Sort of…but there is more than just to that. They killed me because I knew something that I shouldn’t peek into. But I did it because they were targeting your mom, the Queen of Eglas, you, Leiyé, and the rest of the Traitors. I had to tell who were the Immortals were to the government or else, we would’ve faced some peril as a nation. However, it was a bad idea since sixty percent of the people in the political ground were all Immortals. I can count the mayors, the House of Congress Parliament, the judges, the police, the military generals, the soldiers—they were part of the Divergent of Immortals. My group and I were too late to realize that they already have penetrated our system long ago. They killed me because I now knew who they were. The Queen of Eglas didn’t stopped her affiliation with those people when I told her not to. She wouldn’t listen until she died. They were planning already to declare that I was a terrorist who joined the Hermanian spies when I was no part of their doing. In fact, the Hermanian spies didn’t kill the Queen. They were trying to warn the Queen and me. Even though, they were once enemies before, they were brainwashed by their superiors who weren’t even Tyrenkian as well. I tell ya, they are very cunning at making plans ahead before we mortals could even make a sudden move.”
   Holy crap. Am I hearing this from dad? No wonder why I felt his presence as I saw his entire life like a T.V. video clip in an instant, now became clear to me to understand. I was so confused at first because the slides were all fragmented that just rushed so swiftly to the point, I couldn’t even grasp all at once. No until it was cleared by my dad.
   “So these Divergents are our enemies then,” I replied. Then I licked my lips before biting it from the intense conversation. I was exhilarated.
   “Yes. They were the ones who created the two great wars on our planet. Their reason was to make sure that all of these people were killed off for their own scientific experiment. What they were doing was to unlock something evil that they had planned for so long. That I do not know much about this—your mother can tell you about that. What I can tell you is that I saw one of those things in the South Pole with those ancient hieroglyphic writings. Not one linguist could read it since it doesn’t exist in our world. Scientists gathered the information as I was protecting them from your mother’s people, the Traitors of Immortals. They were guarding those things in the South Pole since their superiors ordered them to do so. They’d even attacked us; although, we don’t know what were their reasons why they did. The Divergent was there with us; however, they weren’t really there for us at the incident when I fought against the Traitors by accident. The Divergent were just there to get something of what they needed, which is that ancient technology in the South Pole of Analitatica. Most of them believed that its origin was alien; however, they are not aliens since they are nothing more but demons to what your mother had told me.”
   “Gee, I would’ve been the same with them if I was in your shoes. Seeing something alien like that would’ve convinced me that aliens are real. So I guess there are no real aliens then,” I said. “But anyway, what did they find?” as I leaned forward, putting my chin on my knuckles, asking father if he knows about this.
   “It was a giant, floating ring that was attached to a stair made of stone. This stone as you know it, was carbon dated in the Days of Lior. If you read the Book of Kigéosï and the story about Lior and his son, Abanagul, it is very similar to the human holy bible of Adam and Eve. You’ve never heard about Adam and Eve since it is a human story. This technology that was still alive from all of these years as it didn’t have any signs of damage. I found a floating building, underneath the ice as my team were on a search for this object.”
   “Whoa…my goodness. How can this technology survive this long? Who created those technology,” as I asked my dad with a curious question. Things started to sound so surreal. It would take a madman to believe in this and yet, I became that madman since I was convinced by my dad and his evidence. After seeing how he lived, like through a T.V. flip channel screen, I couldn't deny the facts that he had shown it to me.
   “Son, this technology was built by Lucifer when your mom told me about this. I was the one who brought that thing in to my superiors who were much higher than my last one. I didn’t know.”
   Mom came into the conversation as she budged in. “I told him not to go too deep into those things or else, we could all be in danger. He couldn’t resist since curiosity kills the cat, you know.” From those words of her voice, she was angry, but silent and calm.
   Father sighed and wished he would’ve kept his mouth shut and acted like a good gentlemen who didn’t know anything about classified information.
   “Well, this is my part of my story. I accidentally helped the Divergent without knowing who they were. I always thought those technologies were from outer space through an ancient alien race that used to live on our planet. But truly, they weren’t aliens; they were Lucifer’s people. Do you remember that flying saucer that you peeked in when you were still alive?”
   All of a sudden, my head exploded as I caught the light bulb that shone inside my brain. Everything started to make sense. My father was killed because he was in the way of the Divergent’s plans. Well, he married my mother without knowing who she was until she leaked it to him by accident. He was trying to stop them by blackmailing them as he was trying to undo his mistakes. He’d also tried to expose the truth of who they were; however, from what I picked up from mom in her life through a telepathic touch, she didn’t want him to expose everything about her people since the world wasn’t ready. What he was trying to do was to admonish everyone through other people who weren’t Immortals in the political side. A mortal being like him, shouldn’t married an Immortal at all through their laws. However, the Traitors of Immortals destroyed that law because it was unjust and unfair.
   “I caught your attention that you now know why I took this job so seriously. This is an invasion that was planned ever since the Days of Lior. That U.F.O. that I took in 2930, was no ordinary spaceship. That was Lucifer’s men in disguise, a dragon that serves Legion. They are waiting for the right moment to strike on our world, waiting for Lucifer to come out. That ring object that I took to my superiors was a portal to unleash Lucifer from the other side. And now, I am trying to get it back and undo what I did. This is why I died because of that. The Immortals were once Tyrenkians before they were turned into freaks by force. This is what I got from your mother when she starts talking about her people.”
   “Quite indeed,” said mom. “I warned you to stay out of our business since you were just a mere mortal. You didn’t have any superpowers and yet, you resisted. You were very audacious; yet, you were naïve to understand the risk.”
   “Well I was doing my job as a father and a husband,” said dad with a drawled voice he had. “At least you can give me some credit that I was doing my best to save you and the family. That I did until I lost you when you gave birth to Leiyé.” Then he turned to me. “Speaking about Leiyé, how is she doing?”
   “Good. She is still with the orphanage home and yet, she’s dating a troublemaker.”
   “Bleh, I don’t mind about that troublemaker,” said dad, like he didn’t really care about the situation between Leiyé and that boy, Reik. “Don’t worry him. He will be a good husband to your sister in the future as I saw it in my own eyes.”
   “WHAT!” as I yelled back to rebel.
   “Oh…and uh…I also saw your future as well. God showed it to me. He said that you and Reik are going to be great companions for life. You two are going to be brothers by law when he marries Leiyé.”
   Oh my goodness! I couldn’t believe it. That moron? Really? My face just dropped with a slack-jawed surprised when I heard this. My dad and my mom were laughing at me when they saw that face of mine.
   “Damn you Leiyé! WHYYYY!”
   “Hush it down, will ya?” said dad. “You don’t need to scream.” Then he took a breath from the laugh he took. “Now, where were we? Ah yes. About those Immortals, this is my story from my side. The rest is on mom.”
   From the conversation we had, I pretty much understood from my dad’s side when he had to deal with mom’s issue and her people. Overall, I am glad to see them once more before having a conversation with mom.

End…



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composition07

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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2015, 09:56:45 PM »
The Brother
Chapter 4, Immortal’s history:
The Past - Near to the present
A Long Talk with Mom

   After having a long discussion with dad about his previous job, mom started to talk about her past as it was her turn to talk. Now it’s going to be her turn to speak about the Immortals. It’s about their origin and history between the Divergent of Immortals and the Traitors of Immortals in the Days of Lior.
   “Aruja, the day your father was trying to undo what he did, I tried to warn him to stay out of our business—” said mom, as she was lecturing to Cherkha, not facing him but at me instead before she was interrupted.
   “Oh c’mon honey,” Cherkha nagged at Anita, my mom, as he twirled his hands over each other constantly, and shook his head at her. “You were outnumbered by your own people—not the Traitors of Immortals, but I was just trying to help.”
   “No you weren’t. You were in our way—”
   I believed this was my first time seeing my parents arguing against each other in front me.
   “Mom!…Dad!” I tried to gain their attention. They continued to fuss and argue until I raised my voice at them. “MOM! DAD!”
   The both of them shut their voices and looked at me.
   “The both of you need to let go of your past. I understand that you two had the same goal of eliminating the same target; however, can we get on with the story that I need to hear first before I go back to Tyrenkia? You two can fuss later, but I am more important at this moment.” This sure did give them the attention as I yelled at them.
   Gee, talk about my family. I had never seen mom and dad like this for the first time. Have they always been like this behind my back whenever they were on a mission? I hope not…
   “Anyway, can you tell me what are Immortals, mom. You know a lot about these people. You have never told me about your side of the family since I want to know more about them. Can you tell me more about yourself?”
   Mom sighed from her dissatisfactio n about her past. Then she said, “I will tell you who were your uncles, cousins, aunts, super great grandparents, and more. But first, you must know the origin of the Immortals,” as she putted her hand on my knee, her face was full of concern.
   “In the days of Lior, like in the story that I told to your father about our Holy Scriptures, my super great grandfather’s name was Vorshael. He was the decedent of Lior, the youngest son in the family. He was chosen to be King in the land of our Eden. Lior was the first Tyrenkian being who ruled the land with peace, prosperity, and a loyal servant of God. All of the animals bow to him as he was the ruler of Mother Nature. Abanagul, the oldest son in the family, was a mighty warrior—full of strength, full of courage, and full of heart. He loved his father so dearly until he became jealous of his youngest brother in the family, Vorshael. Do you remember what happen and what caused Abanagul to turn away against God?” she replied.
   “He couldn’t become the King of Mother Nature because of his pride, jealousy, and bitterness over lesser men. He was being influenced by the Devil himself.”
   “That is correct. In the translated versions of our Holy Bible in the modern day translation, the writer who wrote the Book of Kigéosï didn’t want to add the full description about the war. God has his reasons why we shouldn’t know it because if He allowed it, they will all end up like your father—”
   “Hey—” as father complained as he protest.
   “Dad, shush!” as I silent my father before he gave us a grumpy, mumbling, quiet sound like a brat. Then I turned to mom. “Go on mom. Please, continue…”
   “In the Days of Lior, Abanagul killed his entire family—brothers, sisters, his wife and kids, and including his father, Lior. The last brother that he saves for the last to kill was Vorshael. Your grandmother, who was my mother, the one you haven’t met in your entire life, told me the details about Vorshael. He tortured him for his levels of flavor on jealousy before he decapitated Vorshael’s head. Abanagul was a madman for power. He was too influence by Lucifer who promised him for power to which he did gave it to him in order to control all of Tyrenkia. Lucifer, who landed on our planet, built a flying empire in the South Pole, waiting to forge his army to strike against God once more. Abanagul, who killed Vorshael, our super great grandfather, took the thrown as he hunted down his entire bloodline. Vorshael, who God promised him to gain the thrown of peace, promised that his bloodline would be secured from evil. From this day, I came from that bloodline to which He has prophesized about you, Aruja. What the Lord meant about saving our bloodline was to save you. You are one the chosen one who will defend this world before the coming of judgment day. God chose you because He knew that our bloodline would demolish evil for good. It is not predestined that chooses us, but it is our freewill that we choose to which where we are predestined on our own will. I chose that will—the will to save all creation under God. This is why you will become the Angel of Wrath. You will judge the people of Abanagul, find their crimes, and cast them to the Lord before due process.”
   “Wow…that’s some history you got there. I remember you always read that Holy Bible to me when I was only seven, telling the first book me about the days of Lior. However, you have never told me about this one with details in it. Just one question: were you there in those times?” I’d asked.
   “No. My mother did. She had seven husbands since all of them died after another. I am the youngest one in the family. She told me about this when I was a child. My mother, who was a survivor in the Days of Lior, told me about ‘her’ mother, who is your great grandmother from my side, said that she was about 7000 years old. Before her, there was Uriel. I don’t know how old is Uriel, but I cannot confirm is he is still around today. Before there was Uriel, there was Vorshael. This is how I know this story that was past down from generations to generations. The sons and daughters of Vorshael are still out there. It’s either they forgot who they were, where they come from, or they were either brainwashed by Abanagul.”
   “So wait, Abanagul is still alive? I thought he was dead? In the story of Kigéosï, wasn’t he was killed in the war?”
   “Yes, he was. However, it was Lucifer who rebuilds his body in his image to rule this world by doing his bidding. Abanagul is very much alive. If you want to know more, I can tell you about the war to which my mother have spoken about.”
   I drew in closer, like a child who was about to watch the season finale, imagining myself in a campfire, pretending that I was eating my popcorn as my eyes were boggling out, and crisscrossing over my legs to listen the best part of the story.
   Then mother spoke, “before Abanagul became king, there was the war. The War of Lior lasted for a hundred years as we grew weary from it. God wanted to end this war between Lucifer and Him for once and for all. He wants start over with us as a family. Lucifer, to which your father had discovered the ancient ruins in the South Pole, the remaining of his empire, my people and God’s angels sealed him away for good. It was an empire that was built like a flying fortress, levitating like a giant saucer above in the City of Doom. Your father, who took a picture in 2930, took one of the flying saucer during in his time. However, it was a smaller one that was as big as his entire flight team. Their plans were to invade this planet once more by using all of Tyrenkian species to go against God. Abanagul, who is no longer a Tyrenkian being, sold his soul to Lucifer when he died in the battle. All that was left of him was the empty shell of his body. The soul is no longer sustaining within the body. The person who is in control of Abanagul’s body, is a servant to Lord Abaddon, the Demon of Gates and Portals, ruler of the abyss.”
   “So he did died. That’s what I meant,” as I chuckled at her.
   “Well, yes he did. The only thing that remains is his body. Abanagul’s plan is to find the six rings that were hidden by my people, the Traitors of Immortals. We were successful to lock the six lord demons away as we separated them around the globe and one on the moon, Alios.”
   “Alios? That alien planet? How did you guys manage to do that?”
   “We infiltrated Lucifer’s lair and send one of the demons on Alios as we sealed away…permanently.”
   “Dang…that must be hard to do. I bet a lot of people have died from carrying out that mission.”
   “Yes indeed. Lucifer’s reason why he chose this planet was because it was similarity to Earth—the human world. He knew about God’s heart and so, he had stolen God’s technology in order for him to be as powerful as God. The technology that he had stolen was a Bruewn Stone. It is God’s power, His living soul; His very existence; His weapon of knowledge. This explains how he could manage to build that flying empire of his in the South Pole of Analitatica. His plans were to turn all Tyrenkian species into freaks. By turning them into a freak, there came the Immortals. That’s their origin.”
   “Our origin, you say? So we were stolen by Lucifer since we were once on God’s side?”
   “Yes. Lucifer stole us from God. Our super great grandfather, Uriel, was kidnapped when he was a child. Abanagul turned him into a freak by killing him first, making his body into an empty shell for a demon to live on. However, the process wasn’t complete. Uriel’s people came for him since they too, have the same incident like Uriel. The freak that Abanagul wants everyone to be is in the image of Lucifer by force. The Demon of Abanagul, who suddenly we thought was dead, is still around. We don’t know his fake identity; however, we know that his real name is Abanagul, son of Lior, servant of the Six Demon Lords.”
   Now I understand. Lucifer created the Immortals long ages ago. My people were forced to be like him. God chose Vorshael and his descendent to save this world to restore good along with His side. And since God chose Vorshael, I guess I would take him as the Traitors of the Immortals because he betrayed Lucifer. If we are the traitors of Lucifer, then we are the good guys. Thank God, this became clear to me. If I am in the family of Uriel, then I should speak to him. You know what…I think should asked mom about that if he is still alive or not.
   “That’s some awesome history you got there mom. I am fawned of you. Now I clearly understand about your past when I saw your life in some kind of a video clip that flashes out of us when we hugged. Thanks to God and His place, he gives us telepathy to understand each other. Now, one more question: Is Uriel alive or dead?”
   “I don’t know,” mom said as she shrugged her shoulders while shaking her head slowly. “I don’t know.”
   Hmm, interesting. Maybe I might have to find that out for myself.
   “Oh, never mind. I guess super gramps here must be really old then…”
   “He is; however, he would look very young since he is one of the oldest living thing that is as nearly as old as Abanagul. And we ought to know that all Tyrenkian beings are suppose to live 250 years old at the max, we, Immortals, don’t know when to grow old.” Then she paused for a moment. “Oh, I forgot to tell you about the tribes of Immortals. There are three types of tribes: Moondanians, Nomanians, and Yareinians—”
   “Three tribes?” as I interrupted. “What tribe am I? What are they?”
   “You and I are Moondanians. We are finite creatures with finite powers. Moondanians have the appearance like a Tyrenkian being; however, what makes us different from them is that we have superpowers. In the Moondanian Clan, there are 3 types of powers that you are born with. The types of power are broken down into 9 classes. The first type powers in three classes are Somatic, Virtuoso, and Intercore. Somatic means body, which deals with healing, physical appearances, and blood type color. They hold these types of power as a Somatic being. Sometimes, some Somatic beings may look like animals that are being mistaken as a Nomanian. That I will tell you later about after going through with these classes. Now, where were we. Ah yes…I remember. The Virtuoso class deals with projectile objects that come from within their body like spitting acid, spitting poison, and anything that is biological projectile. The Intercore class deals with the power of shape shifting—it’s either animal, thing, or people. They can only shape shift to their size only—nothing beyond than that.”
   Then mom took a sip of her tea that was set from the beginning of our conversation. I was lost in her conversation about the deep details about the Immortals that I didn’t really ask for.
   “Do I really have to know these classes and types of power mom? All I asked was what tribe was I and what are they. I don’t need to know all that much in detail.”
   “Oh my goodness, I talk too much. My apologies. Well, we are Moondanians. I will skip about the classes and types then; however, I need to warn you about Nomanians. They are beasts with no mind or soul. They are a living shell—huge, big, strong, and deadly. Their goal is to destroy, to devoir, and to kill anybody on sight that shows a sign of life. They were a cousin of us that was lost and kidnapped during the War of Lior. Only a few could manage to have the power of a god until God’s angels and the Traitors of Immortals killed most of them to the very point of extinction. Traitors like us, worship the God who created the universe. We are the traitors of Lucifer because he made us by force. We rebel against Lucifer and I’d say about 1/3 of the population betrayed him. He had stolen God’s technology to destroy all of creation since this planet was the perfect spot for him to attack. Earth was once a perfect spot; however, it failed because God overpowered him. He was a weakling that didn’t have any telepathic powers at all—not until now after he stole something from Heaven and above. The reason why God wants you to hear this from us is because of the prophecy. The people, who spoke about your coming and your arrival, have spread the word throughout the world. Your name comes from the descendent of Vorshael in the many generation to which you will judge the people who worships the devil. This is why Abanagul is hunting every traitors to seal you away for good.”
   To seal me away? Lucky for me, I am dead. Then I took a deep a breath as I noticed that she was done talking. My goal is simple: save the world…and you will save all creations throughout in all universes. “So I guess God wants me to save his creations then?”
   “Yes,” mom nodded.
   “So my target is to find Abanagul?”
   “Yes.”
   “And how would I do that if it is so hard for you guys to find him?”
   “I found some information in the government system from the two most powerful countries in the world: The United Republic of Federation and the Confederate Kingdoms of Eglas. If I were you, pretend you are like dad who never stops on his research until you find the culprit—which he didn’t find it all.”
   “Can’t you stop picking on me Anita?” said dad as he nagged back.
   “Quiet dad.”
   “Humph!” as dad grumbled as he crosses his arms.
   By thinking so hard about it like a detective, I was starting to see the picture a lot clearer than just a flash of ‘life-pictures’ that splashes into your face. Hmm, how should I find my culprit. Well, duh…I should’ve known. Being the Angel of Wrath is the answer right there in front of my eyes—my superpowers. I would use it to my advantage to find that culprit.
   “Well, this is my story. The rest lies with my people. They will tell you more. I am just a servant of my mother, an assassin to protect the people who had been persecuted by the Divergent for so long. I’ve waited to see this day coming. My son, be careful of Abanagul and his people. Don’t let them notice that you have arrived back from the dead.” Then she touches me as I saw some concern upon her face with tears.
   “Don’t worry…I’ll do my best to make you happy along with the Lord.”
   Then she chuckled at me as she faked her smile, trying so hard to hide her concern.
   “May God be with you, my sweet Jay. May God be with you…”

End…





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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2015, 09:57:18 PM »
The Brother
Chapter 5, Reik Léion
The Present Day, 11 years later
Unexpected Guest

   This is Reik Léion, age 25, telling my story before I met my brother-in-law, Aruja Jei-Ru, at midnight. He and I had an interesting story; yet, I was shocked to meet him—well, seeing something from him that I didn’t expect. I have experienced a 14-hour horror in the minimal past before meeting the present. I would like to make short and simple for the audience to understand instead. I don’t like to tap dance the answer because it bores. My soul literally popped out—I mean, it did.
 
   14 hours back, high noon, 14 o’clock p.m.
   If you are reading this before the incident happened with my brother-in-law, Aruja Jei-Ru, I will tell you what happened before I met him. And yes, you will get to know of what I do as a detective during those 14-hours back. You will find this really interesting. And please, don’t laugh at me on the part when I met him.
   One day at high noon, I was in my office, collecting files and data from the computer that is about to prosecute criminals for tomorrow. Leiyé, my fiancé, is a lovely woman in my life. I knew her ever since we were kids in the orphanage home. I don’t know who my parents were; however, by going through the decease records, they were found dead when I found out about them. I knew Leiyé when they were dropped by at the orphanage along with their dad. I looked through the window as I peeked out by the curtains. From there, I started to talk to her when the nurses and doctors brought them in. I was a thug, a thief who steals items in the orphanage whenever I need to buy something for myself. I even sometimes buy gifts for Leiyé when I had a crush on her. Leiyé kissed me on the cheek before I asked her out on a date. By the time when we got into 8th grade, she and I always hang out at the lobby in the cafeteria every lunchtime. Aruja on the other hand was against my nature as a thief, didn’t want me to date his sister.
   The next night, I found out that his father died when he was on a mission to defend the governor of Eglas. Afterwards from those couple of nights, Aruja died later as well. With the father passing the tombstone to his son, Hermanian spies killed the both of them. It was reported all over the news. What changed my heart to be a good person in life was because of Aruja. I remember what Aruja told me before he left to buy some food for Leiyé before he died. He said to me that if I want to be with her, I have to change myself…or else, she wouldn’t be mine. I made a promise that I will change when he gave me an evil glare as he lectured me before he left. He’d even grabbed my color shirt when I first took Leiyé with me to do some stealing in the Master’s office. He had some money and I was about to go and buy something for Leiyé when I didn’t tell her what I was doing…not until I got caught. Aruja sure did take a good beating out of me.
   “Why did you take my sister with you!” yelled Aruja.
   “I wanna take her so that I can buy her this,” as I beg for mercy. Then I showed a picture of a necklace that was made of real pearl. I wanted to buy her this by stealing the Master’s wallet. He’s the boss of this orphanage home.
   Aruja grabs my collar shirt and raises me high with one hand. Then he slaps me hard in the face, leaving a red mark on my cheek. I didn’t want to drop a tear since boys don’t cry.
   “That’s my sister. You’re going to take her to do these things? How dare you!” Then he backslaps in the face on the other cheek. “If I ever see you doing these things again along with her, you and I will start a war,” as he glared surly at me.
   Then I was thrown onto the ground as I lie there, feeling helplessly as I looked at Leiyé who is behind Aruja, crying in tears from her punishment.
   From that day forth, I learned a lesson not to steal ever again. Twice, Aruja has lectured me—TWICE! Never again…
   Leiyé text me with her cell phone. It said: “I am off at work. I will be seeing you at home. Text to me if you are out early so that we can go on date like you said. Love, Leiyé.”
   I read it and texted her back. I wrote: “Sure. I will see if I am out early or not. Kiss, Kiss…”
   Then I put my cell phone away in my jacket pocket. I pray I get it out early from work if those piles of papers will be done by the day. I wish I have someone to take this job for me and I would rather go and chase killers and robbers on the streets instead. Doing papers isn’t my thing…
 
   3 hours later, 3 p.m.
   My papers aren’t done yet; also, there are going to be filed for the judge to see this. I found a few ugly motherduckers that just look like a total creep—a creep that’ll make your skin crawled from head to toe. Here is this one guy, Gorian Jemster. The guy who I caught 3 weeks ago, was an insane pedophile. He called the police on the phone that he killed someone for no reason. His plan was to show his last artwork before leaving a message to the public news. He mainly targets his prey on the pretty and the good looking ones—doesn’t matter about its gender…as long their age is in their tens to thirties. Scary motherducker, I tell ya. I will give him a beating before I put my cigar and burn his eye out.
   From papers to papers, putting them in order before giving it to my client, which she is about to give them to the judge soon, I pray to all of these bastards that I captured, can go to hell. If anybody sees them or read about them in this way, they will think, ‘May God has mercy on your soul.’
   By looking at the time, it seem that I won’t make it for the date. I said to Leiyé that the date will start at five in the afternoon. Damn it, I hate when my job takes away the things that I want the most, like spending my time with my fiancé.
   I send a text to her. I wrote: “Sorry Leiyé, I won’t be home ‘till midnight. I got papers to do. How about on Ujasto? (It’s Saturday in the Tyrenkian world).”
   I sighed and rubbed my eyes from this long, boring, tiring day as I put my head against on my palm, which is on the armrest that is attached to my office chair. I rock back and forth, waiting for Leiyé to text back. Ugh, damn those papers. If only these weren’t so much on my table, I would’ve pulled my gift to her, the ring, if she wants to marry me. And yes, I did buy the ring—right on schedule; however, today is not the day.
 
   8 hours later, 8 p.m.
   I just need a few more to go, putting these papers in order from A-Z. I am almost done and I am sure as hell want to get off from this stupid chair that I have been on for hours. I’d also lost track of time until my client came to me said that she is leaving from work. Most of the people, who are working here, have already gone home except me. My eyes as you know, began to bag down like a zombie, or becoming one before I grown in the middle of the night from this weariness. That’s how tired I am.
   Shit, 8 o’clock already? As I sigh from the long day of hard working, I hope I get paid with a fat check by doing all of these things by next week. It’s almost at the end of the month of Teieso (March), waiting for my next promotion since I was the one who caught all of these criminals on the streets. I hope Commissioner Lorondo Valvin sees my progress as a good cop in the Bureau Deputy Enforcer (B.D.E.). I also hope I become his vice-commissioner as well.
 
   Midnight, 14 a.m. in the morning.
   Finally, I am done with all of these papers. I closed the computer and left my office before shutting the lights down in the main office. I went to my car, a very nice car that I had, was parked on the parking lot before I turned on the engine. I left the place and entered on the road.
   When I reached to downtown city of Amersham, one of the biggest, busiest city in Eglas, I approached to a stoplight. It was a four-lane street—wide and very spacious. Next to me on my left side was this Asian chick. She has a sport car that shines in neon lights—purple, blue, and pinkish magenta. She even had loud music on along with her friends. I only took a glimpse at them before they noticed.
   One of them, who was in that sport car, drew their windows down and said to me, “Nice car yo. Wanna race?”
   I pulled out my police badge at him and gave him a surly look as I rolled down my window down. By the looks on his face, he backs down as he rolls his window back up. I take it he was afraid of me when he didn’t notice that I was a cop.
   “Ibuoya! Chongsin xo-changuo obualai yo! Dabou Jiakouchai ximida!” said one of those guys, who were speaking in Jongosu as he was yelling at the guy who rolled his window down earlier. I don’t know what they are saying, but I take it as a negative term from what I think.
   Tsh, young adults. When will they get a life? I may have a black sports car, but this babe is not going to race. She cost me a fortune and I ain’t going to let her get all messed up from a single race. Why would I do that? Stupid Asian kids. I bet their parents spoil them.
     When the light turns green, I drove forward before hitting to the freeway ten minutes later. Those Asian kids, who rode their neon sport car, drove on the other direction as they disappear from my sight. Stupid kids, calling a cop out to race you. Sure, I will handcuff you up and report this to your mother and father. What a shame that you will bring dishonor to your family.
   As I got off from the freeway forty minutes later, I now drove on the small streets, heading home from this long day that I had. While I was driving, something hit my car in front of me. It was a huge, black, and shady like a giant cloth that just crashed on my bonnet before vanishing into the dark alleys. It moved very fast. I stopped my car as I pushed my breaks in the middle of the road. The car screeches very loud and I hope I didn’t wake up the neighbors. I went outside and found scratches and markings on my bonnet. Motherducker, this car cost me a fortune. I jerked my head 180 degrees and ran towards the alley. That is where it went. I don’t know what that thing that hit me was, but for sure, I am going to kick his ass.
   When I approached the dark alley, the cement was wet from the steam that came from the laundry, which is connected to the apartment complex, hanging on the brick wall. From where I was standing, there was light. However, from where I did stand, I looked beyond and saw nothing more but pitch black. Then I pulled out my gun and took an aim as I walked slowly. The only thing that I could see was the T intersection in the dark alley at the distance. I went forward—slowly—step by step as I check every corner behind all the dumpsters before jerking my gun straight ahead. Then there was a sudden noise, like someone hit a trashcan before a black cat ran away from it. Whatever IT was, I assumed it must be a person.
   Right when I approach at the T section, I took cover on the wall as I held my gun next to my face. I swiftly went ahead and said, “Police! Raise your hands up and—”
   Unexpectedly, no one was there but a dead end. It’s nothing but a big, brick wall—no stairs or latter that was attached to it. Only windows were held up high as I look up and down from it. Suddenly, I had a weird feeling that there was someone behind me. I jerked my gun 180 degrees around and found out that there was another dead end. Not just any dead end, but somehow, the place of where I am at right now, didn’t feel right at all. The T intersection that was there earlier…it disappeared when I just turned 180 degrees around. And whenever I turn, all of the walls got closer to me each time when I turned around. I was trapped. In fact, I am also terrified because I don’t know what the hell is going on here. Walls don’t move forward to you; walls don’t even have legs as well. How is it possible that each time when I turn to face another wall behind me, they got even closer? Something is not right.
   “If you are doing this, stop it! I am claustrophobic! Please, stop it!” I yelled.
   “Reik,” as someone called my name in a deep, low, hoarsen voice. I don’t know who it was, but I was scared shitless.
   “SHOW YOURSELF!”
   “Behind you,” as it said to me in a creepy voice when it approaches to me from behind.
   I turned around as I gasp for air. I also jerked my gun at the same time. What I saw was this black, cloth that had red eyes which was floating in front me. Around it were flying chains of multitude of sharp weapons that were attached to it. Knives, reapers, swords, half crest blade, etc. My eyes boggled out as my soul ran away from my body. This is the part where I pissed my pants as I stuttered to shoot at it. Before I even pulled the trigger, it sliced my handgun before turning it into ashes. I fell onto the floor as I crawled away, feeling helplessly without a gun.
   “STAY AWAY FROM ME!” I screamed. I crawled swiftly until I was cornered on the wall. That thing that was looking at me, hisses as I was hearing multitudes of voices from it. It was coming all over the places, hearing cries of agony and help. As it came onto to me as I curled my legs and arm, I screamed, “PLEASE, DON’T HURT ME!”
   “Why would I hurt you Reik? I know who you are. You are my brother…”
   Did he just say…brother? I don’t have any brothers at all. How am I related to him?
   “Reik, do not be afraid of my looks. I am no threat to you.”
   I gasp for air and looked at him once more. “If you are not here to hurt me,” as I said, scared shitless than before. “Then why do you look so scary?”
   “That’s because I am Aruja Jei-Ru. I have return back from the dead.”
   Aruja? Impossible…how can this be?
   “I have some unfinished business to take care of. I am here for you. You and I have a lot of work to do,” as he glared his red glowing eyes at me while I see his sharp teeth that were covered in the shadows. It looks like he didn’t have any lips either. “Shall we begin?”

End…



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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2015, 09:58:23 PM »
The Brother
Father’s diary
Agõnino 14, 2950

My Diary
Dear Father,
   This is Cherkha, your only son who is about to go to war in Hermania. I am writing this letter to you that I don’t know when I will be returning home from the war. If you are reading this, I want you to know that I love you. You’ve been a great father to me and I am thankful for what you did to me in the past. We may have some consequences of differences by having different views; however, I want to apologize to you about what I said earlier. I am sorry that I called you a stubborn old fart with a narrow-minded view, slamming at the door at your face. I just want you to understand that I love Anita and I will make her to be my wife when this war is over. I understand that she’s a Neinchian and we are Itonese. Father, you have to understand that racism isn’t the answer. We are civilized men and you ought to know that she is not our enemy. Soon, you will understand…if I make it out alive.
   If I die in this war, I don’t want mom to feel sad. Dad, tell Kou to do good in school. I want to see him succeed as being a doctor in the medical field. Tell him to study hard so that he won’t end up being in the military like me. And dad…I don’t want you to worry about me as well if I don’t make out alive from this dreadful war. Just take good care of the family without me when I am gone.

Love, Cherkha Jei-Ru…
Letters to Father,
Yachu Jei-Ru



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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2015, 10:00:03 PM »
The Brother
Chapter 6, Governor Mazeyus Drace:
Year 2998, 11 years back
The Assassination of
Governor Balfore Beckard

   My name is Mazeyus Aldoro Drace, a servant of Abanagul, a leader to exterminate the Traitors of Immortals. I once live in the times of knighthood in the year 2000, the medieval times of Tyrenkia. As time goes by, I have lived for so long that the old world that I once knew, rotted away. It couldn’t survive from the inevitable fate of time where time attacks it on its course.
   I gaze relentlessly at the world where everything changed. Buildings were changed, music was changed, and the people…they’ve changed too. How long has it been that I forgotten the screams of genocide that I caused in the ancient times. I may have slaughtered countless of Traitors of the Immortals who betrayed our Lord Lucifer, the god who created us to evolve in his image. We were suppose to be made perfectly and yet, we are waiting for his arrival. He may have made us in the Days of Lior where Lior was the first Tyrenkian being that was made by God himself, our enemy.
   These Traitors of Immortals, who I slaughtered many, worships Yahweh. He’s the only enemy who despise our practices of evil. He’s nothing more, but a boastful self-righteous monster, a deity that is undeserving to be a deity that must be destroy. A silent lamb like Him waits for the crowd to boast about His works instead of Him boasting, makes my guts envy even more. Screw those praises from those people. I find that to be a load of boastfulness. It was He who tried to destroy our Lord Lucifer in the Days of Lior. My forefathers, who worshipped Lucifer, were there in those times before they stood to their demise. They died in honor and I am proud that they died in the name of Lucifer. I would finish the job to release my master, once I achieve capturing the Hell Ring Portal with my bare hands.
   I am about 900 years old and yet, I am still young like a person who is in their twenties. I have countless names from generations to generations. Therefore, the world wouldn’t find me as a suspicious man who once lives in the Days of the King Calawis. He was a ruler in the medieval era, the one who use to rule in the province of Eglas. Also, he wasn’t even an Immortal. He’s nothing more, but a mere mortal that married a traitor of our own kind. We, Divergents, never love or respect the Traitors of Immortal. They were always impure since they need to be cleansed with a swift blow through their neck. My itchiness and cravings to murder once more have been bothering me for the last two decades. It would be a lot easier if this were the days of the medieval era. I would blame modern technology for making everything so complex on my plans, since it is a lot harder to perform genocide on innocent lives. Oh, I long waited to hear the screams of the innocent children, women, and men who I sought to see the fear in their eyes. One day, I will have it again. My fun hasn’t come to me yet, but soon. Time will tell.
   The names that I had throughout the history were Lord Aldoro, Lord Drace, Lord Mazio, Lord Mazus, and Lord Drachen. But my full true name is Mazeyus Aldoro Drace, the man who killed legions of the Traitors of Immortals that persecuted them for the generations. I truly love to kill for a living as a political figure—that, I am good at it. Not one has discovered about me and yet, today, I am remain silent for now—waiting to get a position as governor again when I get the permission from Abanagul. It’s like I what I said earlier…time would tell.
 
   In the year 2990, I wasn’t the governor of Eglas. I was in the South Pole of Analitica working with a team who was gathering the information of the lost ruins known as, “U.T.B. Project.” To identify the abbreviation, it means, “Unidentified Terrain Building.” This was the name of our project, which my superiors had assigned it in order to cover our asses from being known throughout the world as, “The Immortals.” Abanagul wouldn’t be so happy if the Tyrenkians knew about us. Our plans will be plotted out and that, I do not want to face the wrath of my people—the Divergent. Since the Traitors of Immortals were guarding the Hell’s technology so well in Analitica, I would be looking forward to kill every one of them with my powers. I pray I get to see their guts go flying everywhere before it disintegrates in the air. Yes, it’s what I have been waiting for…the slaughter of the innocent. I long crave to kill and to kill…I bring pain. My powers are beyond than all 3 types of Moondanian. I am a Virtuoso Immortal, class 9, a powerful one who has telekinetic powers along with breathing fire like a dragon that roars with fury. Each time I use my powers, my eyes glow fiery red with orange as my hair glowed with it.
   Speaking about powers, I have already killed 20 people on sight when I went rogue for a few days during the U.T.B. Project. Those 20 people weren’t part of the Divergent and so I had my fun as I grin sinisterly with a blissful look upon my face.
   Cherkha, the most loyal servant of the Queen of Eglas, the one who served the Confederate States, he was our next target on the wanted list. We noticed that his wife was an Immortal, but not him. We checked his profile and found that he was married to Anita. Anita, the most the wanted person on our death list was pronounced dead already. She died from giving birth to a child. If she did, then she must have children. In that case, then it would be her children and her husband would be the next target. I don’t know how many kids she has…as long we get the pleasure of tearing them apart from limb to limb. I got connections with the military, the Bureau Intelligence Agency (B.I.A.), known as the men in black, and the Congress of Parliament. I had to make a swift move since I was ordered by Abanagul to do this steady or else, they would steal of what we had planned for—the Hell’s technology. The Traitors of Immortals were planning to take of what I have stolen from them. They may protect the Hell’s technology from the Divergents, keeping it out of reach from the wrong hands; however, I would unleash Lord Lucifer once again if all things go well. Thanks to the U.T.B. Project, the Divergents were successful to get it in our hands as I put the Hell’s Technology in Area 61.
   Before achieving the Hell’s technology that we stole from the Traitors of Immortals, Governor Balfore Beckard was still in charge of the U.T.B. Project. I have no choice, but to eliminate him from the orders of Lord Abanagul. A mere mortal like him should never lay his hand on something that belongs to us in the Days of Lior. And so, I hired some men that weren’t Immortals like us to kill the Governor as I paid them with a fat check. Abanagul sent his as well; however, they were part of the Divergent. They were hired to be assigned and kill Cherkha. They also planned to kill everyone who worked for the Queen of Eglas in the project of the U.T.B.—not yet done, but soon. He has a disturbing message that would be marked on the Queen’s corpse and her skin.
 
   In the year 2998, the people that I hired were a group of assassins to take care of Governor Balfore Beckard. Some of them worked for the mafia and some of them work for Abanagul. The ones that work for Abanagul were dress like Hermanian spies to cause more propaganda so that the world wouldn’t know about us. His men would kill Cherkha and his sibling at any cost to make their plans succeed. The lesser the mortal men know, the better for the Divergents.
   Why am I hiring people so quick at this point? Let me say that I failed to obtain the Hell’s technology and the portal—Gate Number 6. If I don’t kill Governor Balfore Beckard, our plans would be ruined by now. Therefore, he must die as I would take his place as the new governor of Eglas. We may have stolen the Hell’s technology from the Traitors of Immortals, but a mere mortal stole something from us? How can this be? This is mocking my career. And I promise you, Lord Abanagul and Lord Lucifer, that this would never happen again. I would have the Hell’s technology, even if it means to cause a disturbance to a nation like Eglas.
   Speaking about the Hell’s technology, there were six gates to unleash the 6 lords of Hell that Yahweh had sealed them in the Days of Lior. We serve them to our bottom of our heart as we suppress the goodness from this world. They promised us power and to rule other worlds in another dimensions of time. Damn the Traitors of Immortals…and damn Cherkha and his team. How did they know who we were? How could a mere mortal infiltrate our plans? Curse that Royal Ground Dog. I would hunt him down until I destroy all of his hopes for survival. I would make sure he bleeds.
   Cherkha would be on our top hit list from now on. An irk like him must be dealt with first. Thanks to his wife, I underestimated the both of them. All this time, they were targeting me; however, they underestimated what I am. I guess they were close to identifying my real name and my real identity. Too bad, Anita is dead. She won’t be solving this case for now on. Without her help to support Cherkha, he’s nothing but a mere insect that is about to be squashed as he was about come to our trap.
   On the next day, I had to negotiate with a man name Alan Michaelis, the leader of the M family. Little did I know that the men who I hired to kill Governor Balfore Beckard were working for them. Also, they were the ones who stole some of the Hell’s technology during the U.T.B. Project. How dare they!
   One thing what I don’t understand is that why would these mortal, puny insects who kept on creeping around us like as if, they were eavesdropping to steal our goods. I’ve dealt with the Immortals and now these mortals have the right to touch us? I would crush their head like an egg that would go plop as their brains splatters everywhere on the floor. This makes me so angry that I would have to see Alan Michaelis for trying to make a move on us. I don’t give a duck about how many industries he has, but one thing I know for sure is to destroy him.
   If I didn’t went rogue on the U.T.B. Project, if I didn’t get tempted from the itchiness to see the slaughtering again, I wouldn’t be so distracted on my mission. I would’ve have the other half of the Hell’s technology in my possession.
 
   Year 3000…
   Ha! I knew it. Cherkha, that puny insect have been squashed. No…wait…even better, thanks to Abanagul’s hired men, they killed him by burning him into a crisp. His face was skinned alive before he was barbeque with Governor Balfore Beckard on the floor. I now have the chance of being the governor by taking his place. What I need to do is to negotiate with Alan Michaelis once more for a favor before backstabbing him in the back. What I need is the support of money to convince the public that I would promise them to bring more security from terrorists. Speaking about protecting terrorists, I will make sure the crowd wouldn’t know what Abanagul is planning for.
   I could care less about the mortals thinking the Hell’s technology is an alien technology; however, it is not of what we see in our eyes. Once I have the other half, I would obtain the Hell’s key after killing Alan Michaelis who has stolen Gate Number 6. My people only have Gate Number 1, which isn’t enough for Lucifer to lead his army to destroy all creations in all dimensional universes. I pray my plans go well. Once my campaigning for governor is done, I would kill Alan when I enter to his domain. Then…I would hang his head as I hook it with his tongue. Ah, F’est sa jeaun beau (It’s so beautiful)! Connom mes-cé tassi (How pretty is that)!
 
   3011…today…
   It’s been 11 years. Being the governor again and again—well, I’ve been the governor in countless of times—Medieval, Renaissance, and Gilded Times—I was made to be one. Now, since I am the governor in the Information Age, ruling with pride and power, I would the tables around to make it harder for the Traitors to get to us.
   First thing first is to change my name and my identity. If time goes by to the future, I would have fake my own death to secure the Divergent of Immortals. However, that concern would be dealt later. Time has not yet spoken for that to occur. As up right now, my fake name would be called, “Governor Mazikiel Aldron Dramice.” And since Governor Balfore Beckard is dead, it’s time to find the Hell Key in order to open Gate Number 6 and Number 1. Gate Number 6 will be dealt with when I kill Alan Michaelis.
   Little did I know that Alan Michaelis, the Don of the M family, demanded us to have a trade with them. They are fawned of our Hell’s technologies when they were clueless of not knowing it too well. In fact, they think they know what it is; however, they are such a fool. I could easily convince them that it’s an alien technology before manipulating them to do my bidding. Then I would crushed them in one blow when the time is right.
   Suddenly, I was wrong. I underestimated their intelligence when they too, were involved with the political grounds when they met Abanagul. They may not know who is Abanagul, but they only know his fake identity. They found out that I wasn’t a Tyrenkian being. It’s not possible! How did they know? Have my covered been blown?
   They pointed a meeting again at Alan’s Turf. They knew that I was going to backstab them somehow after the campaign of me becoming the governor of Eglas.
   “Greetings, Mr. Governor. I believe we have met before at my turf during on your campaign,” said Alan Michaelis with an orotund, baritone voice. “Congratulations for you becoming the governor of Eglas. However, I am not here to celebrate your fun time,” he contrasted. “What I am here for is your technology. Your technology is far beyond from this world that I cannot stop the yearning thoughts about it,” as he said with a craving attitude.
   “What do you want fat ass?” I said as I threw my silent anger at him.
   “I demand to have of what you have,” as he thrusted his finger at me from the midrange.
   “Oh really? How are you going to do that? I got men to shut you out, you criminal!”
   “Hmm, is that so,” as he leans back on his office chair with a raise steeple hand posture. “Well, you can try, but what I can do is to expose of what you were doing in the South Pole. My men took a picture of what you were. You freak.” Then he tossed the photos that were taken in the year 2990. “And yet, you call me a criminal?”
   SHIT! My cover has been blown. No wonder how they knew about me.
   My eyes were in shocked as they were widened. I crunched my grip as they curled into a ball of fist.
   “I noticed your attention. Did I hit a nerve?” said Alan Michaelis as he saw my surly, grotesque face. Then he smiled with a grin look as his hands were clenched in the middle. Then he pushed his office chair a back a little. “You don’t want me to expose of what you are, if you know what I mean. I take it that you are not a Tyrenkian being. I take it as you were affiliated with aliens. Are you an alien, Mr. Whoever You Are?”
   What foolish question is that? I am an Immortal you fat, skinhead white pig! I will peel your skin and roll it into a sushi!
   “No! I am no alien,” I replied as my teeth were clenched. I gave a tone that showed him that I was pissed off.
   “Oh…your not? How disappointing. And yet, you claim you think you can kill me. I have eyes and so do you.”
   “I promise you, I am not an alien. It’s complicated.”
   “I see…then I will take it that you’re something else. Can you tell me about yourself if you don’t want me to blackmail you since I supported your campaign. You owe me a favor, you know. I paid 3 billion dollars on your campaign and in return, I demand those technology of yours.” Then he smiled sinisterly as he dims his eyes down at me with that devilish look on his face.
   Such arrogance! By the looks on his face with that arrogant look, I will rip that fat head of his into pieces! I am an Immortal! No mortal has ever touch me. Is the first one who touched me? Well, not physically, but in contact.
   “I will kill you right n—” as I raised my hand at him to which I was about to use my telekinetic powers to blast his fat head off.
   Then he interrupted as he raised and waved his finger at me. “Nuh uh-uh. That will be a bad a idea. You’re not going to do that. I got men watching you before. I know how you kill people. I wouldn’t do that if I were you. They are putting their cameras all over you, Mr. Governor. What would the world say about you as a total freak? Now, tell me, Mr. Governor, will agreed to my terms? And what are you going to do with that alien technology anyway? It wouldn’t be so wise to end me right here on my turf.”
   “I will speak of this no more! What do you want from me?”
   “Guns, money, political power. If you agree to my terms, then I will call my men off from your back. Just remember, you owe me—big time! I have also searched of what you people are; however, I don’t know what they called you since it was only a rumor. You have many names. The only guy that was mentioned from those rumors was Abanagul…” as he twirls his hand before point his finger at some direction.
   “No, not possible! How? Who told you that name!”
   “Ah, so I was right. The rumors were true. He is your leader. You got something big that you are hiding. I want in!” as he demanded. “If you let me be part of your whatever you’re doing, I will tell you who told me that name.”
   Forgive Abanagul. May Lucifer have mercy on my soul. I failed to cover this. I pray I can make it up to you somehow.
   “Just don’t tell the world of what we are. I will agree to your terms if you keep this secret. Where do I sign?”
   “Right here on this contract.” Then he slides the paper over to my side as it was nipped on a paper-sized board.
   I signed it and slide it back to him with an attitude.
   “I got better plans to eliminate you. My people will hunt you down. You don’t know what I am capable of.”
   “I am counting on that, Mr. Governor. I got something to show to the world if that happens. Good luck with that…”

End…



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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2015, 10:01:15 PM »
The Brother
Chapter 7, Unbelievable
Year 3011, today
A talk with Reik Léion

   This is Aruja, the Angel of Wrath who came from Heaven, have spoken a few words to Reik. Yeah, I know. He was scared shitless when I came to him. Well…I only came to him because I was ordered by the Holy Trinity to tell him that him and I will cooperate together on a mission that needs to be done. Tsh, I pray he isn’t the same person like how I met him at the orphanage home.
   I took him to a place where no one can see us. I may be in the flesh form as of now; however, I must do this in order for him to see me. Without the three types of body transformation, Reik will not be able to see me at all. In fact, he wouldn’t be able to hear my voice as well. The three transformation s are Flesh, Mind, and Soul that are all combined as one. Each one of them has their own unique powers as to what an angel have. Flesh is when the angel becomes solid in the body. Mind is conscience of your own for others to hear your voice through multitudes of dimension when you approach to a person. Soul is for other spirits to see you on the other side—including some mortal people as well. Each three are unique on its own and yet, they come as one.
   “I can’t believe it. I am talking to a dead man,” as he sat at the edge of a skyscraper building while holding on his cigar. The smoke was being blown away by the wind.
   “I know. It’s hard for someone like you to understand of what I am,” I replied in a deep, low, hoarsen voice. “I am sorry that I scared you.”
   “That’s okay,” while he gazing at the night light city relentlessly, sitting there with deep thoughts that was going on his head. “I thought I was going crazy in the first place. Am I going crazy?” he replied as his eyes was widen.
   I nodded no.
   “Oh…well…that’s good news,” as he lowers his eyes to look down the below from where he sits. “Anyways, why are you here?” when he turn his face and look upward at me with a question.
   “I have some unfinished business,” as I tilted my head to the right.
   “Like what?”
   “It’s complicated…and long. You won’t get it at all for a simple minded like you.”
   “What do mean by simple?”
   “Your mind is finite like any other mortal beings are, but what I need to tell you is that you and I will be involved in this issue for a very long time.”
   “How so?” when he blinks clueless at me.
   “What I am about to tell you and show you will be surreal to believe. It would be hard for you to gulp it down into your throat.”
   “You don’t say…” as he was surprised. “How unimaginable is it?” when he gave me a pondering look.
   “Big time,” when I demonstrated how big it was by using my hand gestures to describe its size. “Are you ready to here the truth?”
   “Yeah, I am up for it,” as he nodded slowly, thinking he’s ready to see the craziness that I am about to show him.
   “You are not a Tyrenkian. You are an Immortal.”
   A moment of silent came from him as he was stirred into a confusion. “What’s that? I mean, what is an Immortal? I have never heard of it…”
   “An Immortal being has superpowers that you cannot imagine to believe. What you and I are, are Immortals. I was once an Immortal when I was alive in my late eighteens. You loved my sister…I know that…and you were the problem that lead her to theft—”
   “Oh c’mon,” as he interrupted. “Geez…that’s so over. I’ve changed,” as he was flashing out his police badge at my face. “I saw you on the news about your death—”
   “Just because you saw it, doesn’t mean you can gain my trust.”
   Reik sighed from the weariness of Aruja’s lectures. “Alright…,” as he palms down to show how irritated he was. Then he got up from where he sat as he walks away from the edge of the building. He also tries to walk around as he struggles to shrug off this irritation of my lecture. Yeah, I may be a haha, but he has to know the situation that I am in. “Fine. But I promise you…I am not that same boy who steals items anymore. I’ve grown, okay. Do you not see?”
   I looked at him as I tilted my head to the right, looking at him with a serious, pondering look. I find it interesting if his words are true.
   “Promise me you won’t share this info with my sister. This business is between the both of us—no one else. If you start to gossip about this, I will give you a beating that you will never had before,” as I shown my aggressiveness along with a grotesque, surly look.
   “OKAY! Geez. Just don’t scare me with that look of yours. I don’t want to go home and have nightmares of that rotten, burnt face of yours,” as he was backing away from me, raising his palms in the air.
   Then I took a deep breath as I calm myself down. I think he got my point clear. I hope he does…
   “We will have our first mission that we need to take on at the break of dawn.”
   “Which is?”
   “We are going to kill Governor Mazikiel Aldron Drace.”
   “Wait, WHAT? Kill?” when he was surprised to what I just said. “What did he do? He didn’t kill you; the Hermanian spies did.”
   “False! I can prove it. Give me your hand as I will transfer the information to you through telepathy. I guess you are still not convince…
   “Here is my hand…” I said.
   I gave my left hand out to him while I was levitating in the air. My dark, torn cloak was floating around me as my sharp chains were hidden behind it. It was moving as well. He was gazing at me, trying to understand my appearance, he wasn’t sure if this was a good idea to take on a job like this.
   He reached his other hand at me as it lies on my palm. A sudden telepathic implosion that burst into his head, the knowledge that I knew from Heaven was blasting inside his thick skull for him to understand about the civil war between the Divergent of Immortals and the Traitors of Immortals. I’ll make sure he can speak all languages like how I did in my training in Heaven. I was trained under my mother, the one who protected Clyde Calawis to which she recommended for me to find him soon.
   When the telepath was over in a second, Reik was frighten from this knowledge that I gave him as he leaped backwards, jumping away from my hands. I stood and watched him as he was scared shitless.
   “duck! Holy shit!” Then he crawled away from me as he rubs his head, hard with both hands.
   “I know. Scary isn’t it? Heaven and Hell is something, huh?”
   “Is my nose bleeding?” he replied
   “Yeah…it is.”
   Reik was panicking on the ground as he was breathing hastily. “Whatever I just saw, whatever I just read about these things were…I don’t want to be apart of it!” while swaying swiftly with his right palm at me.
   “You can’t deny this path. My sister is in danger. Once they find her, they will find you. After finding you, they will kill you. When they kill you, they will kill anyone who knows about you. The killing won’t stop until they get of what they want in the end. I gave you the knowledge to see everything of what God has planned for.”
   “Then why are you dress like an Angel of Death? Aren’t you suppose to be all good-looking like those statues that we built at the park?” he quarreled at me.
   “It’s my disguise. I like it. If you don’t like it, I have more.”
   While I was levitating in the air, I landed on the rooftop at the edge of the skyscraper, shape shifting into an older version of myself in the early 30s. I was dress in a kaki tuxedo outfit with a white shirt and a blue tie on.
   “Better?” I replied.
   “Yeah. Whatever you do, don’t transform back to that scary shit again,” he demanded. 
   “Sorry, no can do. It’s my disguise for Abanagul and his demons. Since you now know his name through a telepathic knowledge by a single touch of my palm, now you know that you cannot escape of what He has planned for you. You can run all want, but you cannot hide from Him.”
   “What does He want me to do?”
   “Quite simple. Find this man name Gazébolo Vizzini. He’s the one who killed me, the one who you thought it was a Hermanian spy. He’s the one who I called, “Mr. Ugly.” But first, I must have to train you like how my mother trained me. You are an Immortal, like me when I use to be alive. I know what your powers are and soon, you will know mine.”
   “How long is the training?”
   “Three days.”
   “Three days?” as he rebelled. “But I have a job to do as a detective.”
   “Not to worry. I have a Time Boom that will set us into another world where we could train. You will be gone in three second from this world; however, inside the Time Boom, you will be gone for three days.”
   “Oh great. Now you’re lecturing me about science. I suck at it.”
   I smirked at him as I chuckled.
   “If the Lord wants me to do something for him, I just hope it doesn’t jeopardize my career,” Reik replied.
   “He can’t promise you that,” I said.
   Reik sighs. “Boy oh boy…let’s get this over with.”
   I activated the Time Boom. The portal was activated as it shines brightly.
   “In there, you will choose your weapon. You will decide how you will challenge a being through a hologram once you enter in that realm. When you defeat all the two beings, you will be facing me as an Angel of Wrath. Be prepared.”
   Reik looks at the portal, stared for a moment, checking if it was safe as he puts his foot in there. For moment, he thought it was going to kill him; however, it was just all in his head. It’s nothing more but a portal.
   Right when he enters the portal, the portal closes when I went inside, leaving a big boom as the dust and rubbles particles goes flying away from it. In there, the training begins.

End…



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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2015, 10:02:13 PM »
Every 3 chapters that passes by, there will always be a diary. There will be deep stuff inside it to which the main character is about to show it to you.



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Re: How is my story so far?
« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2015, 10:07:15 PM »
Read the episodes and you will understand.



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