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Author Topic: thoughts and dreams and stuff  (Read 2225 times)

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gwenhyfara

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thoughts and dreams and stuff
« on: October 14, 2015, 02:52:54 PM »
Dreamed that it was the zombie apocalypse. With my family and friends, we were able to set up a safe house with a barricade. There were two levels to this barricade: the outer part was a chain linked fence which we kept open. The second part was a wooden fence we built: 10 feet high and with only one doorway, which was one of those doors that you can open at the top but keep the bottom closed.

At some point we had a huge group of people seeking shelter. I was on guard duty and let them in. But then some walkers showed up and I started shooting. Turned out, I shot someone in the head who wasn't a walker. He was human. But he was behaving erratically so that's why I thought he was one of them. I think what surprised me most was that I didn't feel any remorse at killing someone.

A short while after that we were overrun by other people who wanted to steal our place. I ran out of bullets so I reached for a new gun only to discover that those bullets were made of vegetables. Some idiot had replaced our bullets with food. What a dumbass. I got shot.



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gwenhyfara

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Re: thoughts and dreams and stuff
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2015, 02:20:33 PM »
Can't remember my dream. It was a plot dream though, with beginning, middle, and end. I remember that much only. Wish I could remember. I remember putting my head on my pillow and saying a prayer for protection. Then darkness.

Oh. I just remembered part of my dream. I, along with my sister, took the place of two other sisters. We ended up in a church or something similar. We had a mission to carry out. We were after a woman ... Can't remember why though. Blast it.



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gwenhyfara

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Re: thoughts and dreams and stuff
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2015, 12:36:04 PM »
At night I sleep with a rosary wrapped around my wrist. The cross on the rosary has a slightly jagged edge which I push into the fleshy part of my palm whenever I feel afraid at night. The pain sharpens my mind a little, and if I ever feel overwhelmed with fear or panic, I squeeze the cross until it hurts.

Last night something strange happened. There was no warning. I was sleeping with my back turned towards the door, hunched on my side in the fetal position. My blanket was tightly clutched to my chest. Then I felt something reach around me from my back, trying to pull my blanket away. There was hardly any time to panic or get scared, because just as soon as I felt it reach around me, I heard my parents' voices. The presence fell away. I remembered nothing more.

When I woke up this morning, the cross on my rosary had broken off completely.

Is it just coincidence? Or did something happen? Why don't I remember more?

I have no conclusions. No answers. Only too many thoughts running around, and I have to write them down so that I won't go crazy.


« Last Edit: October 17, 2015, 07:24:06 PM by gwenhyfara »

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gwenhyfara

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Re: thoughts and dreams and stuff
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2016, 04:00:01 PM »
It's been eight months. I'm still scared... but I don't say it out loud or even think about it for too long. Even now as I'm writing this, I'm peeking over my shoulder because.... well I don't really know why except it's become habit, like I keep expecting... something.

Around my neck I wear a bamboo crucifix that was blessed by a Thai priest. He gave it to my father and my father gave it to me. He said it would protect me. I keep it on at all times, except when I shower. The necklace is made of some kind of natural material so it doesn't irritate my skin, and I'm able to wear it without feeling like I'm going to rip it off.

Funny thing... when I first wore it, it felt very light. I hardly noticed that I was even wearing it. And then, funnily enough, at some point it started feeling heavy. Maybe because I stopped praying. Maybe I became too complacent...t oo ensconced in the false idea that I'm "safe." There is no safe place, is there. Just a momentary lapse of peace before being thrown back into the dark waters of the world.

I wish someone could save me from this. I always assumed it was me who saved myself, but that's such an arrogant thing to believe. I am also coming to the realization that sometimes there is no saving. No pulling me out of the dark water. No escape to land and harbor. Maybe there is only this: swimming endlessly in the vast ocean until I drown.



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gwenhyfara

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Re: thoughts and dreams and stuff
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2017, 10:30:29 AM »
It happened again this morning, the first time in a long time.

I dreamed that I was at a department store with two of my favorite younger cousins. I looked after them a lot when they were young so for me, I have always been protective and loving to them no matter what, and they love me deeply in return. In the dream, they were helping me pick out a pretty dress because they wanted to take photos.

That dream ended, and I woke up early to send Mom to work. When I got home, I started watching Stephen Colbert on YouTube on my phone. I must have drifted off because suddenly I found myself in another dream. To be honest it's quite vague now. I can remember warmth and family and people I love, even though I forget the particulars.

The scary part happened when I was close to waking. I was in that grey, dreamlike state between wakefulness and sleep, where dreams feel like reality and vice versa. I could hear a man's voice talking, but with a scratchy, tinny sound that I associate with the television. Then I heard my door open and I sensed someone come into my room. They came up to my bed and stood right next to me.

At first I thought it was my mom coming to wake me up to take her to work, and the TV man's voice was from the living room where my dad was watching the morning news. But all at once I realized this couldn't be true. For one, my dad is gone. Second, I already sent Mom to work.

In my state of confusion, I didn't get scared until I had already lifted my head and opened my eyes to see who was there. Actually I didn't feel the fear until I saw that there was no one there, and the door to my room was firmly shut. I was quite alone.

The voice of the man was Stephen Colbert, and my phone was looping through his videos. I must have drifted off with the videos still playing.

For a wearisome moment, I felt my heart sinking again. It had been so long since something like this happened. I has gotten good at ignoring anything that wasn't from the physical plane, but this moment reminded me that some things are unexplainable, and maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me, or maybe I keep sensing things because it's there and I just pick it up. However I had hoped I would never feel this kind of fear again. It was naive and stupid but I hoped anyway. All I can do now is pray for courage and ignore as much as I can.



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gwenhyfara

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Re: thoughts and dreams and stuff
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2017, 09:57:56 AM »
I didn't have "that dream" last night but something just as terrifying. Or almost as terrifying because this time, something was different.

I was dreaming that I was with someone. She looked like my niece but she wasn't really her, like maybe she was a stranger who reminded me of her. Or maybe she was both? Anyway, I was lying down and she was sitting next to me. Suddenly, she wrapped her hands around my neck and started to viciously choke me. I heard myself choking, and panic rushed through me.

"How does it feel now?" she snarled at me. Her face morphed into a demonic face, and my thoughts split into three: one part was incredibly terrified, one part said I'M GOING TO DIE, and the last part went, Oh HELL NO.

It was the rage that won in the end.

I managed to say something. It was only four words, but the strange part is that when I spoke, my voice was not the only one I heard. There was another voice layered over mine. It was a deep voice, full of power and certainty.

I, along with the voice of power, said, "Stop it right now."

The pressure choking my neck eased off immediately. I felt myself being dragged backwards from the dream, the darkness around me eventually giving way to light as I woke up. When I woke up and knew myself to be me again, I kept my eyes closed. I immediately took stock of my body, as it was tingling with a strange sensation (probably due to waking up so suddenly?). I was lying on my back, and my body was warm beneath the covers. There was a slightly cold chill on my lower right side.

The strange tingling sensation lessened as my mind awokened more clearly. It felt like a kind of unknown power was humming through me, waking up my bones and settling into the corners of my heart. The position on my back suddenly frightened me a little; I turned over to my left side. My eyes were still closed.

My mind was still sleepy but I was awake enough to spread "that feeling" around to see if I was completely alone. I thought I was but I wasn't sure. Maybe the edges of the nightmare were still clutching at me, and maybe that was the dread I felt. So I repeated the Our Father a couple of times, and the Hail Mary once. I signed myself and started another prayer.

It was in the midst of praying that I realized the importance of the dream. Or more rather, the importance of what I had done. I had woken myself up from a scary nightmare, and I had experienced the entire waking up process while still conscious. I had spoken words of power. Even now, I still feel the power of those words inside me, hiding somewhere safe, waiting to be called upon again. I had done what I always wished I could. I saved myself.



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gwenhyfara

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Re: thoughts and dreams and stuff
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2017, 05:32:39 PM »
Had another nighttime visitor "dream." Was sleeping on my right side. Felt something grab the blanket and curl it tightly against my back. I don't remember if I struggled. Lasted shortly then was gone.

***

I thought it was closure but maybe it wasn't. I think it was just him having pity on me. One last bone to throw at me before he begins a new life. Sometimes I'll look at our last conversation and try to figure out if there was any kind of disingenuous meaning in his words. I can't make anything out of it. Whether it was pity or if he truly wanted to connect, I don't know. There's almost no meaning behind it anyway. He has moved on already. I should too. My heart still hurts though. It feels like an open wound that will never heal. All I can do is cover it, train myself to be numb to its effects. I feel fine most of the time but during life's quiet moments, when my soul is still, I feel the ache that he left behind. I hope one day I won't have to feel it anymore. I am tired of it.


« Last Edit: December 19, 2017, 02:02:26 AM by gwenhyfara »

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