There are so much I want to say but where do I even start? One thing at a time, I guess...
First off, I am burnt out. Exhausted and tired. Turned this house inside out. It's practically brand new. Almost. Painted every inch, every corner. New hardwood and tile floors everywhere in the house, among other things. I think I must have spent $60K to update this house. I still don't know what I was thinking. I saw this house and it had the flow that vibed so well with me, I just had to have it. But it needed major updating. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Anyway, I'm not completely done updating it yet. There are still some minor things here and there. But for the most part, the big, major items have been checked off. Woohoo. Finally!
Second off, there's been a lot of changes at work. They made the Manager position that they did the paperwork to put me into (but I declined) into Director level this year. I could have been a Director. But it's one of those things where I have zero regrets. Yeah, the pay is much higher but who gives a sheet. The toxicity in the upper management circle is not something I want. I don't have the stomach or the head space for it right now. Maybe with new management and when my kids are older in the future, I might think about it but for now, hard pass.
Third off, I have all these goals I want to achieve. Financial and personal goals. They keep me up at night sometimes. The financial goals occupy a large part of my time sometimes.
I think everything I do is with my kids in mind. I think about leaving them something so they will not be for want in life. But sometimes I wonder if I'm doing all this for nothing... like, will they even know how hard I worked and sacrificed for their sake? Will they even care? Will they even appreciate all that I've done for them? You know, kids these days are very ungrateful. They think everything gets handed to them on a silver platter. I try to teach them the value of hard work, doing for themselves, etc. But then I can't seem to help wanting to give them the things that I never had either. It's perplexing, really. They will get nothing from their dad--that's a promise. Their dad is a total dead beat. So, it's fallen on me to be the one to secure my children's future. It's a lot for one person to take on. I've been everything for my kids their whole life. I just hope to have my health so I can be around for them and their future kids for a long time to come.
I've also thought a lot about what I want. Sometimes I feel like I can never be happy with anyone. No one is able to make me truly happy. I've also come to understand that I like being alone. I don't feel lonely. I love doing things alone. There is so much peace in being alone. On the other hand, if there were truly a Mr. Perfect, I'd be OK to give up my independence too. But sadly, I don't think a Mr. Perfect exists... for me. If fate brings him into my life then OK but if not, who cares. I'm not waiting or hoping for him to come into my life anymore. Most men these days lack so much. They don't bring value. Rather, they drain the life out of you. For me to want to be with a man, he has to be able to bring a ton of value. And he has to bring me security. He also has to guarantee forever and that he won't hurt me. But I have to be super attracted to him and love him too. That's the biggest issue. Someone can give me value, security, and can promise forever, but if I am not attracted to him and if I do not love him then it's a one-way street relationship and one-way street relationships don't work. To find someone who loves me truly without reservation and vice versa is a one in a million chance. I'm so happy for the people that have found their other half. Congratulation s. Hold onto that half. Don't risk losing that half. Because it can take forever to find a perfect half.
