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Author Topic: bramble & ash  (Read 7616 times)

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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #30 on: August 21, 2018, 08:51:35 PM »
I can't believe you're really gone. I can't believe that I will never see you again. Can't believe that the world has taken another beautiful soul, one who really deserved life when there are so many others who don't. Is it a joke? I keep thinking it is, that someone will say that you're just fine, and the sadness in my heart will evaporate like the morning mist on a sunny day. Maybe it's hard to believe because all I've been hearing are words. Words spoken and words written, but just words. I haven't seen anything yet. There's no evidence to prove that you're really gone, none that I've yet to see.


My heart aches when I think about what you must have gone through. Details are sparse. All we know is that you went somewhere and your spirit never came back, only your body. Is that enough proof yet? No, it's not but if that's so then why do I weep?


Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for visiting me at work because you knew it was hard for me to get away. Thank you for the dollar bill that you folded into a heart for me. Thank you for thinking of me, for being a good friend even when I wasn't one in return. Thank you for laughing with me, making me feel like a special friend, thank you for every good thing you did for me. I think the shock has passed. Now there is just this... this grief that I don't know how to process. Words fail me. I miss you, my dear friend. I hope your soul finds its way to your sister, and to God, and I hope you find yourself in a place of love and beauty where there are no dark spaces, no sadness, no loneliness. 



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #31 on: August 28, 2018, 03:45:16 PM »



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #32 on: October 14, 2018, 02:51:07 PM »
I've been dreaming about you.

In the dreams I'm always searching for you but never find you. Instead I find what you've left behind. Maybe your voice or something you've touched. Nothing that tells me where you are, only hints and clues that I keep uncovering as I fly from space to space.

The cosmic part of me wants to believe that you're in my dreams because you miss me too. That maybe you're also looking for me.

The realistic side of me says, it's just a dream.



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #33 on: October 16, 2018, 04:48:47 PM »
for a while i lost interest in my camera. my eyes were tired of looking through a lens, tired of framing the world to suit my own purposes. i couldn't find anything worth the film, not even the people i love the most. because let's face it, sometimes you need a break from everyone and everything. there was also the slowly creeping realization that i keep taking pictures of the same things over and over again, like i expect to find something different every time. am i taking pictures of the same things because they're beautiful, or is it because i can't make myself move on? are these photos a reflection of the stagnation in my life? and more to the point, why do i keep analyzing stupid things about myself and my life? isn't it enough that i have to live with myself already? why can't i see the world with clear eyes// why am i moving backwards when i know that i need to move forward// is this beating drum inside me going to burst and flood the world with all the malevolence it deserves?


i am calm. the world will survive, regardless of what i do or don't do. the earth will soak up the flood and keep breathing.



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #34 on: October 27, 2018, 06:45:01 PM »
In my dream my phone rang and when I picked up I heard your voice. In the fuzzy depths of the dream your voice was exactly as I remembered it: deep and rich. It made me feel safe. It made me feel like I was home. You asked if I received the gift you sent me. I said yes. There was a short silence, filled with things I wanted to say but couldn't. I remember thinking, I wish this would last forever.

When I woke up, I couldn't remember the sound of your voice anymore. I couldn't remember any detail that used to fill me with such warmth and happiness. There was just the cold autumn sun burning mercilessly on the horizon. There was stillness and breath. Cold sheets. A sense of endlessness.



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #35 on: October 30, 2018, 05:09:54 PM »
It's okay to take a break. I always come back.









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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #36 on: January 23, 2019, 09:47:29 PM »
It's cold outside, the snow a thick layer muffling the city sounds and absorbing the cold rays of the sun. An icy breeze finds its way into the emptiness inside me, curling around like a serpent seeking a heat source. I barely feel it settle. I had asked for solitude and silence. It was given without struggle. I had asked for an end to the turmoil in my heart and soul--now I am empty.

I can see how wrong I was to wish for such things. Emptiness only makes it easier for other terrible things to claim me. Things like doubt and loneliness. Confusion and sadness. I am beset by the strange and lonely feeling of being unable to express my feelings in words. If I can't even communicate how scared I am, how alone I feel, how can I ever get through this? I can't do this alone. Oh, that awful word--alone. I am alone though. It is starting to occur to me that my failure to move forward is because I keep thinking I have to go through it alone--practicing for a grim future. Hope is just a fantasy and a luxury that I can ill afford.

But I can't. Can't do it alone.  My heart has always known that even if my mind ran away from the truth. And I am so good at pretending not to see.

So I practice my words again like a child learning how to read and write.

I am alone and scared. I feel the path of an empty future stretching in front of me, and it fills me with equal parts fear and devastation. I fear a life void of all meaning. Material things and adventures and experiences only enhance the pointlessness of life. Part of me knows that they should enhance the vivacity of our lives and of the world, but I can't stop the void from eating everything on its path towards me. I no longer seek a home in others; I only seek one in myself. However this home of mine is plagued with silence and self-doubt, with a shaky fence and stairs that creak and a window that looks out on a world that's filled with people and love and sunshine that I can't seem to reach. Is the lock on the door on my side or the outside? Can I step outside and have the courage to once again invite people in?

Part of me knows that the more honest I am with myself, the braver my heart will be. I am alone, and it scares me. I am scared that I want to be alone, that it will turn me into someone who no longer desires friendship and love. I am not an independent creature for my soul longs to connect with another. The solitude only represses the symptoms--it doesn't cure the condition. Yet I keep vacillating between solitude and society, unable to choose.

Life is rapidly going by. I feel its loss every year, like a cold nip of winter that settles beneath my chest and refuses to leave. It's the long lost love song that I keep hidden in the depths of my heart. It's every goodbye I ever uttered. It's the blurry uncertainty that I see when I lift my head, and the creep of the voice telling me that it's too late even though I know that it's not. It's not too late. It's not too late.

Life is love and warm breeze and green leaf. It is also snow-covered lilacs and bare pine. It is a home built in my mind for anyone who once loved me and who loves me still--for those I love as well. It is more than fear and loneliness, more than hungry voids of darkness, more than anything that takes and never gives. I am alone, yes, that terrible, angst-filled word. But I will not falter. I will still get up. My heart perseveres. My soul endures.

In the midst of it all, I am not lost.



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Offline DaCurse

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #37 on: January 24, 2019, 09:03:28 PM »
you are stronger than you think girl...and you are never alone....I am there and here for all those who cares...haha you can reach out to me any damn time...I am your friend from the other side of the screen...haha 8)



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #38 on: February 03, 2019, 02:28:56 PM »
Today I got a harsh reminder why I shouldn't rely on anyone, whether family or friend. Thanks again for reminding why I'm better off alone. Just when I thought it was okay, too. I'm relieved, really, to have this happen now. I'm not even disappointed. Just glad. Glad for my own fucking self. Glad I'm able to protect myself even if it means pulling away from the world. It won't get anything more from me. It doesn't fucking deserve anything else.



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #39 on: February 05, 2019, 11:17:13 PM »
I lie on my childhood bed and stare up at the ceiling, filled with old posters and glow in the dark stars. I remember how I used to lie here staring at those stars, dreaming of different lands, different people, and different adventures. How naive I was back then. How different I am now, so far away from the girl I used to be. She was so hopeful, so vulnerable, so full of light. I am not her anymore. I can't seem to find a proper outlet for all this rage and hurt I feel. It devours me a little bit each day, and I honestly don't know what to do. Lying here, surrounded by boxes filled with all my old things, books and journals and CDs, I feel part of me drifting away like a rudderless, anchorless boat that's been cast out to sea. I will never be that girl again. I will never feel that same hope and anticipation for a future that I can now see slipping away from me. The walls of this room are bare now, and soon I'll also take down the stars from the ceiling. I'm saving them for last. Maybe part of me wants to lie on this bed one last time, staring up at those stars that used to help take me to other boundless, beautiful adventures. Maybe I want to reach out to that girl I used to be and give her a proper goodbye, thank her for having hope even though it didn't stay to the present. And then, finally, for the last time, close my eyes to the sight of pretty, yellow stars shining steadily in the dark.



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #40 on: February 25, 2019, 09:31:44 PM »
Going through some old things, I came across a piece of paper with lyrics from a song that someone shared with me a long time ago. I sat on my bed and looked at the words on the page. Then all of a sudden I began singing the song. Our song, once upon a time. And while I was singing, I began remembering how it felt in that moment when I wrote those lyrics down. How my heart felt like it was filled with the light of a thousand suns. I remembered his voice and his laugh. I remembered my laugh too. And for a brief moment, I was again filled with a thousand rays of sun.

When the song ended, the feeling slowly ebbed away. But I felt surprisingly good. Like the memory of the sun had somehow lightened a corner within, and even though the past is done and everyone has moved on, I still carry the light of all those suns and no amount of darkness can ever cover that light again.



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #41 on: March 07, 2019, 02:33:00 PM »
 
 



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #42 on: April 03, 2019, 12:37:31 PM »
I had such a creepy dream last night. As usual it took place at my grandma's house. It started out with me in the upstairs bathroom, however I was confused as to how I got up there because I remember being downstairs. I left the bathroom and noticed the light was on in Aunt C's old room so I went in there to turn it off. When I came out, I noticed a light emanating from the open closet door, except I could see that it wasn't a closet anymore but a staircase leading upstairs. Even in my dream state, I knew better than to follow a mysterious light up into the attic so I was like, NOPE, and ran down the stairs.

However, when I tried going downstairs I ended up upstairs again. The stairs kept switching me around until I figured that if I kept going left even if it look like I was going up, I might be able to get down which is what happened. I finally got down to the end of the stairs and if you've ever been to this house you'll know that there are two doors down there. The usual door we use leads into the kitchen while the other door is blocked off by a couch on the other side.

I couldn't get the usual door to open no matter how hard I tried. At first I was calm but then I began to feel the edges of panic. There was a fear of something unknown upstairs that I didn't want to face. After a while of useless banging, it occurred to me that I should try the other door. So with all my might I twisted the handle and began pushing against it. And for some lucky reason it opened. I fell through the doorway with relief.

At this point, I woke up in reality. I was in that half awake, half asleep state where everything is slightly dreamy. And once again I began feeling "something" in the room with me. I was on my right side, my back turned towards the door. And I could feel it behind me, near the desk. I don't know how I could sense it but it always feels the same, like a dark, scary presence that takes up space it's not supposed to. It was almost like the nightmare I just had where I was running away from something unknown yet unerringly dark, except this was scarier because now I was awake.



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #43 on: April 23, 2019, 08:29:06 PM »
I've been sleeping with the lamp on and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Lol.

Continuing the topic of dreams, I was sad to hear about Notre Dame. What a truly historic site. Filled with centuries of memories and secrets and mortal longing. Walking inside you can just feel how old it is, like a heavy pressure sitting on your shoulders. I remember it being dark and forebearing, but also beautiful in its heavy ornate decor and the sense of history that pervaded the air.

I suppose it was natural to dream about him after hearing about Notre Dame. After all, it was there that I truly prayed for him for the first time. We were walking along when I noticed unlit candles and an alms box along with a French sign that indicated a two euro donation for a candle. I didn't even stop to think. Before I realized what I was doing, I had dropped in some coins and grabbed a red candle, lit it, and held it between my hands while watching the fragile flame sputtering in the warm air.

Usually I pray for my family. Mom and dad. Brothers. Uncles and aunts. Nieces and nephews. I pray for their protection. I pray for their safety. I pray that whatever hardship we go through, we go through together with strength and honor. But that day, I prayed for him. For his safety. His protection. I prayed that God would speak to him for me because he didn't want to speak to me anymore, didn't want me anymore. Maybe if he didn't want to hear me, he would hear the wind telling him this prayer. Maybe he would know the truth in my heart.

It was all wishful thinking, of course. Prayers are never heard by anyone other than you and whatever higher being you pray to. But it brought me comfort nonetheless. The candle flame stayed steady when I set it down. I watched it for a little while, praying and wishing and longing.

A few nights ago, I dreamed about him. These dreams don't happen often and they always follow a similar theme. In my dreams, I am always looking for him but he always eludes me. I never see his face, and only sometimes his back or his arm or shoulder. But I recognize him through a feeling I have. It's hard to explain. But it's a feeling like coming home.

This was the first dream I ever had where I wasn't chasing him, or following him only to lose him. For the first time ever, I was right next to him. I could feel the heat of him next to me seeping into my body. I could hear his breath. But I couldn't see his face. It was like either I couldn't turn around or I was too scared to turn. I was, however, very sleepy. The kind of sleepy that you are next to someone who makes you feel safe. In the dream I fell asleep but since it was dream logic, I was also awake so I heard him whisper something to me. Over and over again. A soft tortured whisper that almost broke my heart. Since I was sleeping I couldn't answer but in my head I answered him.

"I never stopped," I said.



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Offline Asharia

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Re: bramble & ash
« Reply #44 on: April 27, 2019, 11:46:28 AM »
I had a strange, creepy dream.

In the dream I had an imaginary friend when I was young. She was a young girl and she wore a white mask that covered half her face. The mask was painted in the semblance of her face, which could be quite eerie to look at. I thought her imaginary because she was always around when I was young but when I grew up, she never came around anymore so I assumed I had made her up in my mind.

One day I was taking care of my nieces and nephews. We were on the second story of a hotel that had deep plush carpeting, velvet walls, and heavy decor. Strange things kept happening. I would see things being moved, or I myself would feel pressure around me like something was trying to move me. But my nieces and nephews noticed nothing. Then I met someone in the hotel who told me that there were spirits and hidden creatures all around us, and that they sensed my presence even though they couldn't see me. They could neither sense nor see the presence of my nieces and nephews and when I asked why, the stranger said it was because the children had been protected by a spell. Through the spell they were literally hidden from sight.

The stranger said that I once could see spirits and demons but had closed myself off from them. However I hadn't closed myself off completely which was why they could still feel my presence. If I wanted, he would teach me a spell that would make me able to see again. I think out of curiosity more than anything, I said yes.

When my eyes were open once again to the other world, I looked around and saw my old friend with the white mask. She was near the corner crouching down, and when she saw me look at her she came right up to me and started talking to me like only minutes had passed instead of years.

The dream then seemed to skip scenes like someone throwing pebbles on the surface of a lake. Clear one second then distorted and confusing the next.

I was wandering around the hotel looking for a great aunt of mine and came upon a long distance cousin who offered me his arm and took me back to my room.

I put my nephews to bed. They didn't notice the ghost in the room. But it saw me looking at it and it attacked me.

We were all outside my grandma's house. Spirits kept coming up to me.

I grew tired of being harrassed and attacked. Someone told me that  they only did that because they knew I could see them. I asked if there was a way to reverse the process. To blind myself to them and have them become blind to me. I was told yes. I thought about my friend with the mask. I was okay being around her now but she still scared me sometimes. I would be sad to never see her again. And I would also not be sad. So I chose to be blind again.



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