The past is best left in the past. It's what everyone says but does anyone actually succeed in doing it? Sometimes I'll read an old message or remember an old memory and I am suffused with remembrance. It's a slight tightening that starts in my chest and often ends with a shaky breath. I try to leave whatever it is that I remembered in the past, but sometimes like tonight, I feel a little overwhelmed and I find myself here, writing out my feelings in an effort to gain enough peace of mind to go to sleep. Maybe it's not really the past memory that affects me. Now, more often than not, I feel like it's just about me. Selfishly, decidedly, it's about me and who I used to be. And maybe part of me still wants to be that person again. Still wants the bright and the hope and the passion. I feel like a shadow now. Too little substance, too much darkness. Not enough weight to leave any imprint on anyone. And yet sometimes I feel like she is still within my reach. That if I just believe a bit more... love a bit harder... express myself more clearly, she will come back and I will be whole again.
I'm a liar. I'm not excited for anything anymore. Because the more excited you are, the more disappointed you will feel when the happiness is taken away. And everything gets taken away, regardless of what you do or what you believe.
The past is in the past, but the past is always part of who you are no matter how straight the road is ahead. And not only am I lying but I also cheated... I closed my eyes when I stepped forward.