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Author Topic: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman  (Read 36896 times)

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #105 on: July 28, 2020, 10:28:20 PM »
My ex wanted me to meet his new girlfriend. Actually I think she was the one who wanted to meet me. I Don't remember what happened the first time but we weren't able to meet up for some reason. Today I agreed since there was nothing else to do and I had some free time.

They were driving two hours out to meet me. Our initial place I picked was Starbucks but I later changed it to an ice cream shop nearby my house, thinking that it was too hot and we might  grab something cold.

I got ready. Should I go causal or dressy? Should I wear heels or flats? I don't know why this meet up made me a little anxious...but then I got over it quickly. I decided to put on heels, a pair of jean and a sleeveless floral top.

They texted me. They were 10 minutes away. I slipped on my heels... headed out the door and on my way out grabbed my cat ear hair band. Lol I didn't want to be all put-together, I wanted to be a little weird, like Halloween weird And thought I looked kinda like a cuddly cat or lion jejejejej
I got to the parking lot and my ex came out to greet me first.

"What's up with that shit on your head?" He asked me

"Oh, i wanted to look like a cat today, why? Something wrong?"

He laughed. I shrugged him off.

I walked with him back to the car and she came out in a light blue floral summer dress. She's got some tattoos on her left shoulders. Her hair was brown,  split at the top and pulled back. The first thing she did was checked me out, and was a little speechless.  Was she expecting something else? She was a lot shorter than me, even with heels on she would reached my shoulders. She had beautiful brown eyes and a nice smile. I thought she was pretty but she stared at me and it felt a little uncomfortable. Was it my cat ear head band that was distracting her? Jejejeje I broke the weirdness and introduced myself. She was a little awkward...and began to stutter a little and didn't sound like the person I've talked to in the phone...who sounded like a freaking Disney princess.

"It's so nice to finally meet you... how was the drive?" I said as I reached out to shake her hand.

"Oh the drive was not bad, there wasn't much traffic today"

"Would you guys like to grab some ice cream?"

"Oh we're good, it's almost dinner time and I don't want to spoil dinner"

We talked for 20 minute and I tried to say bye to them. I think I've said, "it's nice to meet you, guys drive safe," several times but she stood there, not moving like she still wanted to talk some more.

"Your town is pretty small" she said to me
"Yes it is, there's not much here... just the freeway and mountains..." I smiled at her.

She wasn't as talkative as she was when I was on the phone with her that one time. More quiet, reserved and observant.  I tried to make light of the situation and stayed as positive as I could. The conversation flowed with me doing most of the talking.

A bum came by and interrupted us talking, asking for two dollars for food. She quickly jumped in her car and pulled out some money for the bum. A way to impress my ex? I wasn't there to impress anyone...defin itely not him and not ever lol

We resume our conversation.. .Then I said it again, "well nice to meet you, you all drive safe..." she didn't budge, she was leaning against her vehicle like she still wanted to talk some more. I finally turned to walked back to my car so I can cut the weirdness, bc even though i ended the conversation, she didn't.  And it felt rude to walk away when the other person leaves the conversation still open. It was then that my ex said something to me and I turned back to see what he wanted. She was still leaning on her car and it was in that moment that I realize she was waiting for me to walk so she can check  out my ass.

I drove home. Thinking of what she was thinking... did it ducken matter? Nope. Obviously I don't care. It's so weird that when your so focus on your life, that all these little thing don't matter.   I was just glad she had him and they have each other. And that he's no longer lingering around and a freaking problem to my life. And then I thought about myself. I came along way and here I was in a relationship, but unattached just chasing my life, chasing my purpose... chasing my dreams. All that...got nothing on me... I'm free and I'm living it up!

---------
They probably got home and my ex texted me.
"Did you get home ok? How are you feeling?"

That mother ducker never cared about my feelings...hon est to God lol I ignored it and decided to go on pebhmong so I can post about my day lol



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #106 on: August 10, 2020, 09:34:15 PM »
We saw each other again over almost a month

"I LOST YOUR PHONE NUMBER! WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME...CALL ME WANT TO SEE YOU MISSED U SO MUCH"

I was stunned! I had slowly moved on... I thought it was a good thing to not hear from him... AND it was a sign for me to move on. Then he called me again and my heart started acting weird again. Why... when I was already moving on n forgetting his ass? Ugh

"I lost your god damn number and thought my phone was hacked so I went to the Phone company to have them search for your number... this mother ducken phone works TWO WAYS REBEL! Don't be mad at me for not calling you bc you should be calling me too!" He said

Then I realized that we've been dating for almost a year now and I've only called him FOUR times and texted him a handful of times. Most of the calls were from him. I feel bad. But not really. I think he's some kind of a player... how he got me, I know, is how he got other girls if he is dating others which he always say he's not.

Soon as I parked my car in the drive way, he texted me. "Doors open just come in"
Then I remember he had cameras hooked up but never told me about it. I walked in and noticed that he's fixed up the place...new curtains, a new television set... stings a little I was never a part of all this upgrade...even though he told me about it over the phone..

He came over to me and gave me a warm and loving hug. The kind you give someone when they've been off to war and just gotten back.

"You're so beautiful!"
I smiled. He kissed my forehead and smiled at me
He looked so handsome. He smiled and his eyes twinkled. The moment was kind of beautiful so I didn't want to ruin it.

"Why haven't you called me, what's up with that?"

"I assumed you moved on... you been busy and hardly have time.... I don't know"

"If I was going to break up and end things with you, I'd tell you it and tell you why...I wouldn't just let you go and not say something.... I love everything about you... and I look forward every week for your company, I enjoy it very much!"

"I know..."

We ended up drinking again.

" I'll be going up to the lake this weekend, with my family" I said to him.

He stopped to look at my face to see if I was lying.

"Well I gotta see you before you go this weekend!"

"Ok"

"I'm getting my trucked lifted so once I get it back, we gotta go somewhere... I'll take you to the beach or something"

"Ok"

We spend many hours on the front porch and just hanging out like two best friends who haven't seen each other for a while and talked for hours...

"No sex... not today, not for a while"

He didn't answer me. But I wanted to tell him that before I got too drunk lol

We went to pick up dinner. And came back to hang out some more before we fell asleep. I was woken up to him, moving around.

"duck this...I wanna make love to you" he said.
"Try to duck me and you'll regret it" I sleepily said back to him and turned to face the wall

He put on some classical music and somehow he ended up we kissing...our hands all over the place, all over each other. Then we fell asleep in each other's arms. Nothing happened. And I was glad.

The next day I initiated a text to him.

"Still at work? Miss ya"
He texted me, "yes, still here..thinking of you"



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Offline lilly

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #107 on: August 11, 2020, 12:04:55 AM »
Omg, Rebel, how did you guys go a whole month without talking or seeing each other?  If that were ever the case for me, it'd be over.  I haven't gone a day without talking to my s/o.  So interesting to see you guys pick back up and go back to the way things were just like that.  I hope you are OK.  :)



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #108 on: August 11, 2020, 12:41:40 PM »
Omg, Rebel, how did you guys go a whole month without talking or seeing each other?  If that were ever the case for me, it'd be over.  I haven't gone a day without talking to my s/o.  So interesting to see you guys pick back up and go back to the way things were just like that.  I hope you are OK.  :)

He pissed me off over something stupid and I just didn't want to deal with it so I ignored him for a week... the week kept going by and I never heard from him so I just got over it until he called me again. We don't always stay in contact everyday, it's usually once a week and it's he who calls but that was the longest we've been without contact. It was needed though...lol



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Offline lilly

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #109 on: August 11, 2020, 01:04:05 PM »
He pissed me off over something stupid and I just didn't want to deal with it so I ignored him for a week... the week kept going by and I never heard from him so I just got over it until he called me again. We don't always stay in contact everyday, it's usually once a week and it's he who calls but that was the longest we've been without contact. It was needed though...lol

OK. As long as you are OK.  :)



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #110 on: August 11, 2020, 01:57:00 PM »
OK. As long as you are OK.  :)

:) yes, I'm ok for now lol



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #111 on: August 11, 2020, 02:07:57 PM »
He is completely different around me. It's strange to not really be able to see each other in our own natural element everyday. He's a workaholic so I hardly see him and when we see each other, it's alway in a guise of being hidden away in a secret cave somewhere... where the rest of the world don't exist but us. Of course there are times in between where I get to see glimpse of his real natural self and he gets to see mine. Then, it vanishes and we're back to where we were, two souls just colliding through life and there is nothing and no one else but us and the world we created.

Out in the public and among people, he's flirty, social and center of the attention. His aura is strong and people can read it. When he walks into a room, something makes people turn heads. His confidence? I'm not sure. People can sense his presence when he walks through the door. And he knows it, but as much as he loves it... he's humble about it. He's never cocky but more like he's cute about it.

We could be in line at a liquor store and he's flirting, joking and having  conversations with the people behind us, in front of us and the cashier... and the ones opening the door for us. Sometimes we'd drive by another vehicle going toward the lake or location we have just came from...he'll stop his car, roll his windows down and hold short friendly conversations with them. People like to be around him all the time. He's naturally friendly. His co workers calls him for advice and he gladly give it to them, then jokes with them. Everyone calls him for one thing or another, friends, cousins, coworkers, random people he just meet etc. he love being at the service of others...he lives for that. He have this non serous side to him when he's with others...

But with me, he's super serious. No flirting. No joking. Straight serious talks about life, our day, future plans and things of that nature. He blushes when complimented and when I get kind of flirty he... just let it go...he doesn't flirt or jokes with me much or at all. His phone calls are mostly to invite me out or to make plans. His texts are to see what I'm doing and mostly to set up a date. No random, chit chats! We talk about life, and we learn shit from each other. When I get mad, he calms me down with one word or message, so we don't fight. He'll say things like,

"I know we both have a bad side but if we get along and can communicate well, there's no point into having to show that side... we shouldn't want to see that side from each other!"

And I agree. I know sometimes I catch him in little white lies, I don't confront him bc I know he doesn't want to hurt me...and I respect him so I never question it. There's demands but it's not to the point of losing our minds over it. We try our best to compromise... yes that's the word here lol "compromise and sacrifice"

He is loving and affectionate but sometimes can feel like he tries to emotionally be distant with me from time to time...so that shit always confuses me... But then I do my own shit too that probably confuse the shit out of him. But it's not questioned, nothing we do with each other is questioned, like we just believe each other and accepts it, however it is the majority of the time. And I know it's weird...that I just thought of this today.... I told him about a crazy dream I have and he messages me happy and kissy emoticons. When he told me he worked 20 hours over the weekend, I never questioned him where he was, "I'm having dinner, get some rest. Talk you soon" was all I said Bc I didn't want to take his time..

Sometimes I feel like something's missing in our relationship, or wrong with us lol



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Offline lilly

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #112 on: August 21, 2020, 02:30:08 PM »
Interesting, Rebel.

I wonder if who he is when he is with you is his true self and when he's around other people, he's putting on a front/a show?  Maybe he is a different person in different elements.  Maybe he has bipolar disorder?  LOL

Regarding never questioning or not confronting him when he does things/says things that make you uncomfortable.  It's good to not make a big deal out of little things, and it's good to choose your battles wisely... but you should be able to speak freely with him about things that concern you, things that weigh heavily on you... He should create a safe space for you to share your thoughts freely with him, and you guys should be able to discuss with each other your thoughts and concerns with one another.  To me, it's a huge red flag if my partner makes me feel stifled and suppressed.  If I am made to feel that I cannot say what's bothering me to him without him shutting me down or making him angry, then the relationship is pretty much over.  I refuse to live like that.  A relationship is a partnership where there is mutual love and respect for another, where there is great communication, trust, and the ability to compromise.

I don't know why he wants to emotionally distance from you.  That is weird.  Emotionally unavailable men are huge red flags.  If he is not 100% invested in you emotionally, mentally, physically, then forget it.  You should not want to be with a person who is only half-in, or someone who can't give you everything that makes your relationship a healthy and a good one.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #113 on: August 22, 2020, 10:55:00 PM »
Interesting, Rebel.

I wonder if who he is when he is with you is his true self and when he's around other people, he's putting on a front/a show?  Maybe he is a different person in different elements.  Maybe he has bipolar disorder?  LOL

Regarding never questioning or not confronting him when he does things/says things that make you uncomfortable.  It's good to not make a big deal out of little things, and it's good to choose your battles wisely... but you should be able to speak freely with him about things that concern you, things that weigh heavily on you... He should create a safe space for you to share your thoughts freely with him, and you guys should be able to discuss with each other your thoughts and concerns with one another.  To me, it's a huge red flag if my partner makes me feel stifled and suppressed.  If I am made to feel that I cannot say what's bothering me to him without him shutting me down or making him angry, then the relationship is pretty much over.  I refuse to live like that.  A relationship is a partnership where there is mutual love and respect for another, where there is great communication, trust, and the ability to compromise.

I don't know why he wants to emotionally distance from you.  That is weird.  Emotionally unavailable men are huge red flags.  If he is not 100% invested in you emotionally, mentally, physically, then forget it.  You should not want to be with a person who is only half-in, or someone who can't give you everything that makes your relationship a healthy and a good one.

It seems like he is more relax and loose around others. With me he's more serious... it's weird. I think the whole part of not asking too much out of him is bc in my last relationship I always felt like my ex bombard me with too much shit, almost like an interrogation every time I do anything. I want to go into this relationship secure and having trust. Even when I know trust needs to be earned, I want to trust him wholeheartedly unless he does something that makes me think otherwise. So far, there's little white lies but nothing so big that I should confront him about. We do talk about everything in our life. This time around I just expect men to know their role and what their doing and if they don't, I feel no need to confront them about it, I rather just walk away bc I feel it's pointless to bring things up shit grown men should already know. There are boundaries and I don't make it obviously clear to him but I've voiced it to where he knows if he crosses it, I'm for real am done with it. I just don't want to end up being that hahay and nagging woman bc I know myself and I know I can be very passive aggressive so I'm trying to not be that way lol there was a period he was emotionally distant from me...he's stress out with work and sorting out his divorce and stuff. Looks like he's finally getting it going...trying to get me to complete mine too.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #114 on: August 22, 2020, 11:00:26 PM »
He said it..., "I love you!...

I was shocked to hear him say it...I almost chocked on the drink I was drinking on bc that came out of nowhere... I looked at him stunned. He got me off the couch... and embraced me in his arms and whispered in my ears....while cardi b was jamming in the background

" I love you... your more than just my best friend, your my lover and everything else in between"

I didn't know what to say... duck is he serious? Wtf I started to feel weird about it... like my feeling for him tanked.! This nauseated feeling came over me and I suddenly was turned off? I wanted to get away from him... wanted to up and drive the duck home...What the duck is wrong with me?

"I love you too... I just want you to me happy..."

"No I don't mean it that way, I really do love you... you know we've been seeing each other almost a year now..."

I guess he thought I was trying to break up with him. But I was just confused and didn't know what or how to say it... and just trying to feel out my feelings but it felt conflicted.

We had many conversations that night... this time mostly about our ex.

"I bet your ex will be jealous when he know what kind of relationship we have..."

"I don't tell him shit about my life, it's not his business...he doesn't need to know anything"

The next morning I asked if he remember everything we've talked about.

" I remember every conversation we ever had..."

I lied to him that I don't remember much of anything.

On my way out, he wouldn't leave my side even when I was already in my car ready to shut the door on him.  He wanted me to kiss him? Wanted more affection? He was rambling on and on about me calling him. He kept telling me to call him... I didn't want to look at him, I just have a weird feeling inside the pit of my soul. Even though all these months I may wanted something out of this, it just feels weird after he confessed that he loved me.

"I'm not gonna call you...you call when u have time...bc clearly your always too busy"  I said to him as I try to close my car door lol

He chuckled a little bc it was true.

"I'll call you on Wednesday... I need your help with some things around the house.."

I feel like we are just gonna end up annoying each other at some point and breaking off everything. And the reason that hasn't happened yet is because of the tremendous space between us lmao



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #115 on: September 03, 2020, 03:31:59 PM »
I never expected him to say those words to me, It took me three days for that "I love you" to sink in. My feelings changed. I dont feel sick to my stomach anymore. That nauseated feeling went away and it was replaced by a light pulsating feeling deep in my soul when I think about it. Could this be love?  I don't know at this point.. I finally sat down to think and process everything. I don't think I was disgusted by it being said to me...., I literally freaked out over it plus the alcohol intensify my emotions...


One weekend ago, I canceled out on a date with him and didn't give him any explanation. It was just a "won't see you tonight" text.
He texted back, " it's cool take care what you need"
And then I just vanished for a few days. I was really burned out and had a hard week. Honestly, I was thinking again, about really ending everything with him. It's funny that I'm always trying to end everything bc I feel we're not moving forward but to him we are moving forward and beyond where we were weeks and months ago.

He keeps making plans... future talking about things we should do together, trips to be made...and stuff like that. We talked about families and our exes. We talked about our debts we have in our life. We talked about the changes we were going through. We talked about upgrading the house... there's instances he keeps calling it "our" house... but I never correct him. We talk about new changes we were going through in our life and what we were going to do later on... our goals, our dreams and our aspirations.

This morning I have this deep gnawing urge to text him and confront him about things between us. He replied with
"Lets me see if we can meet up today"
"I told you I'll be busy today and tomorrow"
Then I went in a rampage and started saying shit to him
..."if things don't work out maybe we should stay the hell out of each others life!"

No reply

"Why do you avoid me like this?" This drives me crazy we should be able to talk things out"

He left for the weekend and when he returned he haven't messaged me for a week now. I know we're used to it. But once in a blue moon, I have emotional needs that needs to be given attention to... and I think he's selfish to not be there for me in at a time I need... bc of his job I hardly ask anything from him...but if we're to be n a relationship my feelings and need should be taken in to consideration too. Latley, I don't feel it is... he is addicted to his job.... the more money he makes the more he out there working... and I feel completely neglected.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #116 on: September 03, 2020, 04:35:19 PM »
Maybe that is true... we are buying time until a better one comes along and I am not the choosen one. I accept that. But either way, no matter who does the breaking up.... this relationship will crush us both and we know it. Maybe we're not even buying time, maybe in actuality we are scare to lose each other... maybe he scare he might regret walking away as much as I am scare that I might make the wrong decision. When that feeling comes up, I envision a life without him, and it freaks me out. That we might think about leaving each other but to actually do it, wouldn't be as easy as we think it would be.  Bc do you know how hard it is to actually find someone that you can connect with? It's like being thrown into the ocean and there's tons of fishes but to actually be able to catch that one perfect shark, having to releasing  it back into the ocean is just not an option.

I'd want him to be the one to do it!




« Last Edit: September 03, 2020, 06:01:08 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #117 on: September 05, 2020, 10:50:37 PM »
He opened up to me about his first love that lasted 10 years. They had beautiful memories together. They traveled all over the world. He went over how much he still loved her and described the moment of their break up in details. In the end they knew it wasn't going to work... she moved to the other side of the state and he said that he will always love her and if she ever needed anything he will always be there for her bc he knew where to find her.
"She's now married to a wonderful man."
He introduced his first love to me, in a very vulnerable, open and beautiful kind of way that made me felt special.

"I knew I was still young and couldn't give her the best life... she thought we were poor and will end up poor bc we were raised in the hood... I could of married her and we could of had kids"

One year after she left, he got into his career and started making money. By then she had moved on and had gotten married.

"But I'm happy for her because she found a man who can love her the way she needed to be loved... and it's because we loved each other that's why we were able to let go....I never shared to my ex wife any of these parts of my life bc she wouldn't understand it..."" he said.

He took out pictures albums of them and showed them to me of trips they've taken, going over each picture with me.
" ...and I never showed my ex any of these either... she wouldn't be able to handle it or will take it all wrong"

"That was so beautiful...tr uly beautiful. Thank  you for telling me your love story" I said to him sincerely

I was leaning against the rail on the front porch. He came over and hugged me and then passionately kissed the hell out of each other.

In my mind, I wanted to tell him that I wanted my own fairytale love story too... but I held back bc I feel like I was already kinda in one, yeah except I'm not the one ***laughing and crying

Then he mentioned about Disneyland.
"I wonder if it's open..."

Porch hang out is our favorite pastime. We drink and talk and do a lot of insane thing there even though it's on a busy road. But a lot of of times it's the musics we play that sends us back in time and give us that wonderful vibes... it's moments like this hanging out with him that we will always remember and Cherish

The next morning I woke up and ask him why he showed me his ex girls pictures...

He said "oh it was just random"

Then I got insecure over something that happened in the morning....
I heard him in the bathroom...
"I texted you so many times, you never respond"
" I'll be there in 30 minutes...."
Where you going? I asked.
"To work... my co workers called me"
Honestly didn't sound like it.  Maybe that ex he talked about came back lol

He got ready for work and I got ready to leave. We gave each other a hug....
"call you later to hang out" he said.
I drove off first and was about a half mile away when I saw him making the turn at the corner....he drove so fast and caught up to me before I made the turn Before heading the freeway...

We were both going in different directions that morning. As I made that turn and exited out to the freeway, I saw him on the other side merging off the ramp and on to the freeway going the opposite direction. We looked directly at each other as we both went down the ramp, from across 6 lanes of freeway and speeding traffic until the center divide blocked us from view

That eye contact  sent electrical shock to my entire body...lol

On my drive home... I wondered to myself...Why did he tell me so much details of his first love? Thoughts started going through my head... and I began to feel insecure... was he hinting at a break up? It didn't seem like it... but it's myself that I can't trust...and I over think things. And when I over think things I tend to react negatively. I'm trying my best not to be passive aggressive and to stay calm. So I did.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #118 on: September 18, 2020, 01:18:53 PM »
"If I can pick two celebrities I think your most similar to....it would be Michelle Obama and a little of Jennifer Lopez...but definitely Michelle Obama...."

"Wtf??? Bwahahaha your ducken crazy!" I said to my ex

"I been with you long enough... sucks you don't see yourself how people really see you, you think too little of yourself and that's your problem.  But  your strong and powerful... with an alluring personality. You have an aura in the way you walk, carry yourself and its bc how you were brought up... trust me, I live in a big city now  and I haven't seen one person like you nor had I dated any one like you from my past... just kinda got lucky....my girlfriend was intimidated when we meet up and I could tell...  between the two of you, you had a strong presence....yo u overshadowed her and made her felt alittle. That's why she was acting weird and stuttering...y ou don't even realize what you are, Reb... you should take advantage of it while you're still young and still can"

Bits and pieces of what he said to me But it was nicest things ever said to me... The first time he had these conversation with me was over a convo on  why I couldn't get my dream job. I was clearly hurt about it and felt like bawling about it so I reached out to him... and asked why every job I ever wanted in my life rejected me and the ones I don't want hires me on. Why couldn't I ever get those dream jobs? His answer: Bc some jobs aren't made for certain people with certain personalities. Your personalities never fit those jobs types you want...you belong somewhere else... if I didn't know you, I'd think you were a big shot from some big company or a woman running her own business. You should just focus on your real dream and you know what it is...

I never see myself like how he see me.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #119 on: September 19, 2020, 05:15:53 PM »
...lol


« Last Edit: March 14, 2021, 11:50:03 PM by Rebel »

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