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Author Topic: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman  (Read 36882 times)

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #150 on: January 31, 2021, 02:27:51 PM »
No matter how much I drift away he comes after me with a vengeance and sweeps me away. For the meantime it feel like we’re just a figment of our own imaginations, made up fantasy of a fictionalized person from a dream, a hallucination that’s either real or not. A relationship that either exist or made up. Our conversations sometimes feels like a delusion, did he really say that? Or did I made that shit up myself...? Did I see him last or was that just a dream? Lol

I never want to go there again. I never want to be caught up in anything again. I don’t want to fall for the wrong person or any person for that matter. I don’t want anyone to possess me or control me. I don’t want to get into those same ass boring relationships doing the same ass boring Thing every couple do or kinds of things that I get into with every person I ever been with.

“I want a completely different lifestyle” I would say to him.

I dance with the idea of it... I walk around the perimeter of it... I test it a few times then I back off and spreads my wings and I fly off to the ether of space...

I want to run, I want to chase things, I want to feel the wind on my back and the sun on my face. I want to be free.....not confined to someone or a thing.

But so, even though I don’t want to admit it, this feeling terrifies me at the same time intoxicates me.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #151 on: February 12, 2021, 05:07:06 PM »
The f would a guy cut off sex in a relationship? I still don’t get it. And I’m still bothered by the whole conversation about it. Why is he trying to starve off my feelings for him?

“I just want to let you know that I enjoy your company even w/o sex. I still have a good time just hanging out with you without having  it... I know you mentioned it to me that, that’s all we ever do, so we’re not going to have sex... I have so much respect for you...and I don’t want you to think that i only want to see you just for that” he said.

I know he said more than this and he  said this a few times more but these were what I can remember now. He never mentioned if this is temporary or forever. It’s just we’re not going to have sex. We cuddled but he did everything he can to stop himself...

I keep replaying this conversation in my head. There were plenty of times I said no to it and he still want it. After that trip, his personality changed. There’s a real tender side to him but all this really mess with me. Was he being real or not? Am I not seeing something here? Why the he’ll would a guy suddenly do this?

So okay FINE! I said to him.
And I only say FINE when I’m really pissed. Ok, maybe he’s getting to from someone else? Now that thoughts lingering in my mind. But either way, I won’t break, this will only make me focus more on myself.

“You could leave the relationship anything you want, I’m not holding you... we really don’t need to continue this either. I’m never going to stop you from living your life if you want to be out there playing and traveling.... you could do all that, I just won’t be a part of it.... if we ever end this, I deserve a clean break... and I won’t accept your friendship... Just know that I won’t come back to work thing out... I mean what I say” I said to him calmly

He was quiet and didn’t say a word. Then he told me to shut up and to stop talking.

He texted me more than he have. He called me more than he had in the past...to ask me silly questions he can easily get from googling.

I don’t even know what I’m feeling at this moment...but either way F this shit!



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Offline Visualmon

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #152 on: February 13, 2021, 02:51:27 AM »
Rebel would be like... to the world




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Offline lilly

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #153 on: February 13, 2021, 11:59:54 AM »
Rebel, to quit sex cold turkey with you signals something more.  I hope I'm wrong but maybe he cheated and caught an STD?  Maybe he didn't cheat but delayed STD symptoms showed up?  He doesn't want to get you infected so he's waiting for the STD to clear up to have sex with you again?  I dunno.  I don't want to scare you but that's the only rational explanation I can think of for why he would all of a sudden stop having sex with you.  It doesn't sound like he fell out of love with you or you guys got into a huge fight to make him stop having sex with you.  Either way, no one really knows the real reason.  Only he knows.  You should ask him what's up because it sounds like you're not buying his reasoning (wanting to respect you) for not having sex.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #154 on: February 15, 2021, 12:08:48 PM »
Rebel, to quit sex cold turkey with you signals something more.  I hope I'm wrong but maybe he cheated and caught an STD?  Maybe he didn't cheat but delayed STD symptoms showed up?  He doesn't want to get you infected so he's waiting for the STD to clear up to have sex with you again?  I dunno.  I don't want to scare you but that's the only rational explanation I can think of for why he would all of a sudden stop having sex with you.  It doesn't sound like he fell out of love with you or you guys got into a huge fight to make him stop having sex with you.  Either way, no one really knows the real reason.  Only he knows.  You should ask him what's up because it sounds like you're not buying his reasoning (wanting to respect you) for not having sex.

After his mom died he traveled to a few places...I know it’s the pandemic but somehow all these strip clubs were still opened and nobody wore masks! I thought he lied to me But he showed me pictures of him hanging out with people in the strip clubs...

I have a feeling something happened... so he feel guilty so he took me on the trip...... that’s the only thing I can think of that happened and also A week before i tried to end the relationship bc I didn’t want to meet up and declined sex from him.

That is a huge possibility and yes, that thought had crossed my mind.




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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #155 on: February 15, 2021, 12:16:08 PM »
The thing about our relationship is: EVEN TO THIS DAY, I DONT KNOW WHY THE F HE IS WITH ME!

There’s no reason...

I don’t cook, clean, hardly call him, barley give attention, live my own life, I don’t rely on him or need him for anything, not that I don’t have any need but I just don’t like to be a burden if I can do something I’ll do it myself. I don’t even act like a girlfriend, if you ask me. Every time we see each other is like a first date... like I’m that new girl he’s trying date...

I give him all these space bc I’m not sure why he clinging on to me. Maybe the space will allow him to find someone else and he can let me go. I give him opportunities to let go but he won’t have it. I even told him that he shan’t be scare to end things with me bc I’m a big girl and I know how to handle this. And if he feels the need to go, he can. I told him I won’t give him a hard or try anything etc. yet, he never say anything, he looks at me and tells me to be quiet or that he wants to work on it. And he knows damn well, I won’t work on it. I told him I’m not really ready for a relationship, but he won’t say anything....li ke, I’m expecting him to say something like “maybe we’re rushing this or maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore bc your not ready” he avoids it. So it always leave me confused. Like, what is his intentions? He did mention to me that he won’t marry again bc his ex took everything and don’t want to go there again. That was him telling me that he won’t marry me.

I ask my guy friends and they’ll tell me things like, “oh bc he loves you, if a guy loves you they won’t let you go” or “bc he see something worth it so he doesn’t feel like he can let go” or “a guy will only break up if they don’t love you or see you in the future”

But what they don’t see is that him and I barely see each other and hardly stay in contact. We see each other once a week and it’s been the same since we meet. Even though we’re familiar with each other, we’re still strangers in a way...even though we share intimate moments... I never fully given him my heart... even though we have little fights, they are surface level, he still havent access my true intimate thoughts., I won’t allow it. When we go to parties, we’ll catch each others eyes from across the yard, it feels like Were staring at two strangers, like we’re seeing each other for the first time...

During the trip, he had pulled over at rest stop so I can use the bathroom. After I used the bathroom, I walked out and he was staring at me. I stopped and stared at him. Our eyes were glued to each other and there’s still butterflies.  though we dated for so long, there were still part of us that we haven’t seen from each other. On that trip, I looked over and he was walking next to me... it still feels like the first time..there’s still a world about us that we don’t know about each other... like a mystery that can’t be solved. sometimes I’ll accidentally imagine the future with him, and get a little chocked up that your life together might just be amazing. Like you are soulmates, put on this earth to find each other and now your sure you won’t be alone. But that thought frightens you so you stop imagining it. You detached every time, you leave his place. Go try to go on with your life and pretend like no one existed.

Then he’ll call again.... and the process starts over. I think we’re insane... or we’re just really unsure or scare to go back there again.

I know I’m tired of it... I’m still in recovery and trying to detox and working on myself. I don’t feel it’s fair to be in a relationship when I’m a mess like this. Bc I can’t seem to give him the best of me...I give him crumbs of my love and time and that’s why I dont know why he still want to work things out.. or why he still sticks around.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #156 on: February 15, 2021, 12:20:11 PM »
And just like that I lost interest in him.

Valentine’s Day came, “absolutely no sex! Don’t even try to get me drunk...”

He made a romantic dinner but it didn’t feel special.

We hung out like before but I didn’t feel like I was feeling it... BC I REMEMBERED WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR.... he forgot me on Valentine’s Day and im still pissed me off about it lol

This morning...

“Erm, I don’t feel well, no sex!” I got up quickly and went to the bathroom to wash up and got my things to leave. He was trailing behind me.... trying to kiss me, trying to pull me back to bed. I brushed his arms off, I feel weird inside like I’m pissed, angry, annoyed all at the same time.

He was quiet like he was annoyed and I can tell in his face he was mad... but he knows he have no say bc he said that to me on the trip.

He reach to hug me... and I feel a sense of disgust. I pulled away. It’s things like this that turns me into a cunnt! His touch suddenly makes me feel gross.

“Why you gotta be this way!”

As I was walking out the door..

“Be like what? I’m not being anything l” I smiled and pecked him on the cheeks.

“I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.. .” I said to him.

He never answer me. So predictable. So I left it at that.

Like, why can’t he ever ask me what’s wrong? Or ask why I’m the way I am? Is he so scare that if we actually talked about it it would require him to marry/commit to me more than we are?

I’m feeling weird. Did I lost interest in him? Why am I feeling like this?

I realize it’s just frustration I’m feeling...


« Last Edit: February 16, 2021, 02:21:40 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #157 on: February 25, 2021, 05:56:30 PM »
“I was tested positive for COVID twice...” he said to me.

I swerved the car out of the lane and swerved back into lane and braked several times bc I was so shocked at his comment

“What? Say that shit again...” i said as I looked over at him

“Yeah I was tested positive for COVID twice thats why I constantly got myself checked for it, now it’s saying I’m negative”

“Why the FFFFFFFFUK didn’t you tell me that shit...was it during the time we were seeing each other?”

“Yeah, of course...the last positive was before our trip...but I mean there was no symptoms. I asked and you didn’t have any...”

Why didn’t you tell me? What if I caught something and all these time didn’t know I had it...I could of gave it to someone else!”

It’s been a long time, enough time, if you got it, there would of been symptoms, you didn’t have any...and I didn’t”

It’s things like this that pisses me off about him.

Pissed off at him still I said

“Well, don’t you ever friend zone me, bc I’m not going to friend zone you... I rather cut it off clean and leave no ties”

Then he said to me...

“I was swimming butt naked at night and these two Asian couples came into the water... the girl started rubbing me and the guy had his hand on my p.... I stopped and told them i wasn’t cool with it bc I’m not down with being gay...and wasn’t about to do any of that shit so they backed off”

He took pictures of many naked girls. And he showed them to me. It wasn’t my agenda to go out there to have sex with girls. I talked to a lot of girls and my friend asked me why I won’t take any of their numbers but I wasn’t looking to be with anyone, I had you... I needed more time to make peace with my moms death. I felt her when I was out there.

He have a shrine in one of the room for his mom. He was showing me all these little things that belonged to her. Things I didn’t realize before...

When I entered the room I said hi to her and looked at her things that was set along side with her pictures.

After we looked at her things, like her lipstick tube and sewing needles we went outside, like we usually do sometimes...it was really windy.

While sitting out there for less than a minute. The front light flickered on and off several times then it went completely out...we looked over at each other wondering what happened...sev eral seconds passed and it magically switched back on. Never happen like that before...

“A electrical glitch?”

“Yeah could just be the sensor acting up”

“Nah, I think that was your Mom”

“Yeah, I’m sure that was her coming by to let us know she’s here”

We Netflix and chill afterward and watched: Gran Torino

“Thank you for requesting this movie, I love it. I love the movie, thank you”

“Every time someone ask me what’s my nationality and when I tell them I’m Hmong, the first they thing they ask me if I’ve seen the movie Gran Torino. And since you always ask me about my culture I thought you watch the movie”


« Last Edit: February 26, 2021, 02:17:32 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #158 on: February 26, 2021, 02:07:44 PM »
We talked about death.

“Tomorrow’s never promised, you know” I said to him

“Yeah, it’s not... if something ever happens to me, I want to be cremated and my ashes sent to places I love...I’d want you to be there for me, for my funeral” (he also said this to me in the car that’s why this conversation came up again)

I looked at him in silence.

“Well if I ever go before you...come say something funny”

“Well, where will you want to be?”

“Where my grandma is...in XXXXX”

We hugged each other.

And we left it at that.

Death used to terrify me. But now I see it as a beautiful thing, a thing that we all will have to experience by ourself one day.


« Last Edit: March 01, 2021, 09:33:26 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #159 on: March 01, 2021, 09:43:15 PM »
The conversation about death came up over the fact that he had called me to pick him up at the airport and yeah, I was kinda  pissed.

Instead of going to the closet airport east of where I live, he had me drove two and a half hours away the other way to pick him up  at another airport, and it was very late at night.

He had somehow lost his mind and have been traveling ever since November and then his mom died and he traveled consistently and took time off work. He can’t seem to stay long in one place. His soul is constantly calling for him to go. And then he’ll come back and he’ll miss me. I really don’t care what beautiful places he’s gone to, what hot girls he flirted with or what kind of fun things he did when he was out there, he always misses me.

“I don’t have a ducken home anymore” he would say to me.
———

So I went to picked him up at the airport and his flight was an hour late. When I saw him coming out of the terminal, his beard had grown and had a nice dark tan...and looking even more handsome than when I last saw him.

As soon as he got his luggage’s into the back seat, and before he even got his ass in the passenger seat, he wanted alcohol...

“Damn airplane wasn’t serving any...damn it girl give me a hug!”

I drove around and found a grocery story and he drink the whole way home. But in between that we had gotten into a heated argument.

“You know why I never call you all these times?”

(Yeah the fight started off from that one question which I will probably not share lol.)

“Well, your invited to my funeral.  You’ll have to come. Come See me in a coffin and maybe you can say your good bye...your never going to leave this relationship, not EVER, not until the day I die”

I quiet up fast. I never thought of him dying. Or loving someone so much to the end of their life or my life and having to say goodbye, or loving someone so much and taking them for granted and  having to see them when their gone and in a coffin, eyes closed forever. I never though of losing him. I’m always trying to leave him. But something hit me in my soul. And we both got real quiet. I can feel the heat of my tears soaking my eyes. My heart softened. I hate it that sometimes it takes something like this to make me wake up from my slumber and think deeply about something.

We changed subject and while I was driving, he showed me pictures and videos of places he went to, hot girls he met, and told me so many stories! He played me a song and had it on repeat.

When we got home, we talked about the song he played. And he asked me to read the lyrics out for us. It was a song about love. That love can make you high........ou r conversation went on to talking about love.

“So what’s the difference between being in love and having a crush on someone, I can’t tell the difference” I asked bc now i had one too many drinks and it was 1 in the morning and that’s all I remember.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #160 on: March 04, 2021, 05:18:18 PM »
My ex husband is a somewhat very intimidating individual even though he likes to say that I am more scary than any drill sergeant he’s ever met in his life, worst than his mom, and calls me the female hitler. We both have a kind of extreme like/hate kind of relationship.. .the kind that brings our ugliest side out....

He’s 6’0, with a 220 lbs muscular build with a loud and booming voice and if you didn’t know what kind of issues he had, you’ll probably think he’s some handsome bad boy, but I can assure you he’s far from that.

He’s a fitness nut with huge amount of followers on social media. I never follow him and can careless what he do with his life. But he likes to brag about it to me. Most times you’ll see him in plaid button ups, they are his favorites and he’ll look like a lumberjack. With his long beard growing, looking like some polished small town red neck guys whose trying really hard fit into the big city life...

In his younger years he was a real player and after our separation, he spend all his time chasing young girls. He ducks a new girl every day, he would say to me bc they were so easy. And he ducked so much that it was enough pussy for this life time, he would brag.

Girls throw themselves at his feet all the time, especially Filipino girls, if only they know what he really is... but he’s good at hiding it. He can seem like your typical dream guy, very passionate about survivalist stuff, working out  and has a tough military attitude. And he does have a good side to him, it’s a side that you only see once in a while, if your lucky, you’ll  get glimpse of it. He can be motivating, but will never show you he cares. It’s weird like that. Sometimes you have to really watch what you say and how you step around him like your on some thin glass that will break. You spend so much time watching your words that it mentally exhausts you. That was my life with him.... with him you have to be serious all the time.. you have to have his back no matter what, you had to watch what you do and think all the time. There was a creed of some kind you had to follow and he expects that from you every time whether you acknowledge it or not and that is that you have to stand by him, even when you know he’s wrong... go against him and you’ll know what’s up...


A lot of childhood issues/traumas  turned him into that slightly ugly person. That makes him unhinged at times, that makes him lose his temper very often. Everyone of his family members is afraid of him to some degree, most watch themselves around him,  some even disowned him bc he had that slightly cocky ass attitude that can turn you off, or will come off threatening. And no one ever had the guts to stand up for him bc they are afraid he will duck them up bc he had in the past.

For the most part most people cannot tolerate him much or for long. If you saw him coming down around the bend, that usually mean trouble! Even my friends are afraid to come by the house bc of him, he’s made them cried before, scared them off and made people feel uncomfortable and intimidated. He has a serious and nasty attitude that no one can put up with...I got fed up with it, so I learned never to back down... I alway stood up against him... I learned to never show him my weak side, never will I cry in his face...over time I developed a I don’t care attitude. Being married to him feels like getting dressed up to go to a riot every night and preparing going to a battle every morning.

People always wonder how we got together. We were so odd together. We were so different, in our values and how we were raised. There’s nothing that we have in common. We were the complete opposite of each other, like day and night......... ..but being with him taught me a lot about myself, how strong I really am and how brave and courageous I can be....and when you’ve reached that level, it can change you, morphs you into another kind of being...

When he can’t be dealt with anymore they all call for me... his mom, girlfriends etc. only I can unhinge him when he’s at his worst. But even sometimes I’ll have to pass bc I have a life to live and I’m tired dealing with it.


« Last Edit: March 04, 2021, 07:36:06 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #161 on: March 14, 2021, 05:58:20 PM »
Holy ducken shit! I was writing shit and accidentally erased everything I wrote. I’m too pissed to continue  :2funny: ;D :D maybe I’ll start over another day!  ::)



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #162 on: March 14, 2021, 09:02:52 PM »
“I.know.everything! It’s just easier to pretend to be blind to things, you know” I said calmly to him as I was putting make up on. I glanced over at him through the mirror.

“What do you mean” he said trying to sound serious as he threw himself on the bed and started laughing uncontrollably, giggling and chuckling like he was being held down; being tickled and caught red handed.

“You know what I mean. Don’t you DARE bring me into anything I did not sign up for...I am not interested! Just informing you, so we’re on the same page” I was seriously annoyed.

He did not answer me. But he got off the bed and came toward me. He kissed me on the forehead and wrapped his arms around me. We always shy away from looking at each other in the mirror, but this time we didn’t... and we look quite nice together...

As  I looked at him,  I thought quietly to myself, “damn dog, just bc I haven’t caught you yet doesn’t mean I don’t know”

I can be the jealous type but sometimes I wonder if monogamy is even for me. Like, I’ve seriously thought about it and let to run around my mind a few times but I don’t want to cross that line either. But then I might just need therapy bc I think I’m avoiding intimacy/relationship and  needing more space than a man lol Or maybe I just need to detox and duck the hell off for a while.
—-



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #163 on: March 14, 2021, 11:54:39 PM »
.Oppppps. Got a little tipsy there...  ;D   


« Last Edit: March 15, 2021, 12:03:27 AM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #164 on: March 22, 2021, 01:31:33 PM »
I’m going in for a XXXXX, did you forgot? we gotta see each other before I go...how’s Thursday’s looking, let’s go out to dinner”

“Oh, I’ll be busy that day....let’s meet after, we’ll have the whole weekend and we can go to XXXXX”

He went silent for a while.

“I never hear from you for days...why can’t you ever call me?”

“We’ve discussed this and I don’t want to talk about it”

“My ex girlfriend, who is happily married, calls me more times than you. She calls to check up on me “just because”...  you? I never hear a ring, not even a ding”

Well, you vanish for days... I have no idea what you’re doing and only call to throw scraps of your time at me. You can’t expects me to just take it and i don’t have to take any of it if I don’t want to...”

“YOU DO THE SAME SHIT! IVE CALLED YOU MORE TIMES THAN YOU EVER CALL ME! It’s a two way street...Are you ducking dating other people?!”

I thought about how I would answer him.

“No, I’m not... maybe this isn’t working out and we should stop seeing each other...
It is what it is, you know....If I find someone else, I’ll let you know... you’re free to go, whenever you want. I’m not chaining you to anything, that was never my intentions...I’m not trying anything, I’m not forcing anything or am I  trying to catch you...

The thing is, he hurt my pride and I’ve kept on to those words he said to me.  I have too much pride to chase him...I’m sad that I do that to him  but he bruised me well...



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