The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

[Rebel]

I took him for granted... I did. I didn't know it would be so hard to let go and to walk away. It's like I'm prepping myself for days, trying to find ways to fix things...remin ding myself of the things he said... remembering all the memories we shared. And especially the first time we meet, makes me cry. I went to work today and inside I was shedding tears, I blinked many times so the tears won't fall and silently it drops down from behind my eyes and down my nostril to my throats. every time i think it's the last time, it's not. And he always remind me that, we have many trips to go on or many walks to continue etc. I'm drifting away and so is he.

 He asked me a favor, and for this particular thing he asked me to do for him, were all the information of all his personal things, like his work address, his moms name, his full names. And birthdays, very personal things. It's as though he wants me to still be able to find him one day if we were to leave each other.

We went  rock collecting, and I found him two very black grayish rocks that shaped like a box... when I went by this house, he stacked my rocks on top of all his rock collections in the center of his yard. I pretended like I didn't know which on was mine... my starwar shirt, he kept along with my bandana that I used to cover my face. I kept the flowers he gave me on one of our walks.... we finished watching that movie together that we never finished, something about missy. We cuddled and he said
 "rebel I want you to take advantage of our time together!"
That day we drunk all evening into the night, and drunk some more, we ate and we light some fire outside... we stargaze in the yard...we looked at each other a lot... and he drunk all night until the middle of night. I thought it was strange. The last trip we went on he said, "I'm always going to be there for you!" But he was drunk so I didn't know how to take it. I told him the same thing.
Its Father's Day weekend and I had something planned for him, but I'm not sure he will go by the way he sound. This was planned months ago...

We got into an argument on text this mornings, no matter how mad I was he keep throwing water at it...cooling the situation down. I know we're getting there but why am I so scared? It's like I'm preparing for a death to occur... and I know he feels the same...

I still think he is the love of my life...and what if he is?

[lilly]

You guys need to get all of your feelings out in the open.  Tell him you want to be exclusive, that you'll never be OK with having a threesome.  Will he be OK with that; will he respect your wishes?  Likewise, will you respect his wishes and what he wants?

Do you guys want each other enough to commit to one another?

Questions you guys need to ask each other.

[Rebel]

You guys need to get all of your feelings out in the open.  Tell him you want to be exclusive, that you'll never be OK with having a threesome.  Will he be OK with that; will he respect your wishes?  Likewise, will you respect his wishes and what he wants?

Do you guys want each other enough to commit to one another?

Questions you guys need to ask each other.

Im
Not sure what he wants at the moment... I think we both need sometime to think things through now... but he always wants the threesome lol it's crazy, I don't and not interested but if that's what he wants he should do it with someone else lmao

[Rebel]

I went for a drive and I cried my eyes out. It was hard to see especially at night and my eyes are all watery. My mom wouldn't leave me alone..so I had no choice but to get out of the house she thought something bad had happened but it's a lot of other things.... my dog also left the yard and I can't find him for over two days now. And I feel like my guy is slipping away from me. There are moments I feel great and sometimes I feel really shitty like I should get away for a while. My head throbs and my mind is overwhelmed with things and my eyes are puffy...

My ex went through a horrible break up and I help him get his girl back. Took him out to get something to drink, slapped some shit into him , I had him sent her flowers and wrote her the most romantic letter she's ever received. She called him crying on FaceTime. He never thanked me for all the help I give him. But I don't care... I am not in the best place right now  and he is not the best person to ask for help. I will get over this even though we haven't officially broken up. And honestly it doesn't seem like he we will break up with me...bc if he wanted to he would of already but I know it's there and I don't want to admit to it. The thing is that we get along well, don't have any problems... things just got boring I guess or maybe he found someone else but too scare to let me go... I don't like to be strung along so I'm going to do the best that I can... find my passion again, chase my dreams again, and live the best life I can live... I will not allow this to bring me down... I will not let him break me.

You knows funny? Every single time we go out... he always ends up getting something free... like when we hang out and go to Starbucks, he gets free coffee. Or when we went in our trip together, and stopping to pick up shit, someone will pay for his shit. And wh will come back to the car wondering why. When we go to clubs and bars, he gets free drinks or someone will pay for it and they'll pay for mine. It happens all the time and I always ask him if that happen to him and he said no, that it was weird it happens all the time when we are together. Other things that happened, people will ask us for help...whether it's a car that's  broken down or a car that got stuck or a cat that's stuck in a tree... it's endless and weird that happens all the time when we're together. But then I have to take into consideration that he is a natural flirt and have a certain aura around him that attracts people. And when we're together that energy we both have is so much stronger. He's like my Clyde...

The only thing we're the most different in is that we don't eat the same kind of foods. I like Asian/Mexican food. He likes to eat fancy shit from fancy restaurants...

Ok now that I'm getting into this, I notice a pattern I do in most of my relationships. .... even though I may want a relationship.. . i don't  want to be tied down to it.  Hard to explain but the reason I love this relationship with him is bc he don't give a duck what I'm  up to (long as hes  not cheating) and I don't too but we respect and have love for each other. Don't know if that's normal...I still want to be unattainable and feel more alive when I am. In most of my relationships, the guy usually get too involved too quick n I lose interest..

[lilly]

I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't sound healthy.  I think you both are not clear and not on the same page with what you both want.

Also, I think you have insecurities and fears, both about him and about what a relationship should be.  You should think through what your insecurities and fears are.

I sense that your insecurities and fears (whether known or unknown to you) are making you manipulate your thoughts and feelings.  You are justifying what you are not getting.  That's probably how you cope with the unknowns and the uncertainties. You try to justify things and you try to make sense of your feelings and others.  It can all be so confusing.  I understand because I've been there.  But, Rebel, I hope you own what your heart really wants.  Be clear about that, and don't be ashamed to ask for what you want and need.  You deserve the best.  So, remember to be kind to yourself... That includes knowing what you really want, and that your partner respects your wishes and desires and gives you what you want out of a relationship.  And if he is not giving you what you want, give yourself permission to walk away.  Because, remember, you deserve the best.  Life is short.

[Rebel]

I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't sound healthy.  I think you both are not clear and not on the same page with what you both want.

Also, I think you have insecurities and fears, both about him and about what a relationship should be.  You should think through what your insecurities and fears are.

I sense that your insecurities and fears (whether known or unknown to you) are making you manipulate your thoughts and feelings.  You are justifying what you are not getting.  That's probably how you cope with the unknowns and the uncertainties. You try to justify things and you try to make sense of your feelings and others.  It can all be so confusing.  I understand because I've been there.  But, Rebel, I hope you own what your heart really wants.  Be clear about that, and don't be ashamed to ask for what you want and need.  You deserve the best.  So, remember to be kind to yourself... That includes knowing what you really want, and that your partner respects your wishes and desires and gives you what you want out of a relationship.  And if he is not giving you what you want, give yourself permission to walk away.  Because, remember, you deserve the best.  Life is short.

Thanks Lilly, I appreciate your kind words. It's not healthy but So hard to let go. I have a lot of insecurities, I don't always show him lol in the end I know what best and maybe I need clarity... I know sometimes I always need reassurance from him but try not to be annoying so I let it go and it eats at me...lol

[Rebel]

He tells me this story more than five times since we've been together. I always wondered why he always bring it up to me..recently it was brought up again to me a few days ago...

So he regularly see this hot girl at Starbucks and almost every time they see each other,  they'll chat and she'll buy him coffee...

 "Shes so freakin hot and I would of never knew she's married! She doesn't seem like she is so I always thought she was single! She never once mention it!"

So one day she asked him to go do a job estimation at her house. When he got there at the house, he found out that the hot girl was married and the man at the house was her husband. He ended up getting the job done and asked him for the hot girl for the payment.

The guys said, "yeah, she's my wife but I have no ducken idea where the duck she is, she's does her own thing and we see each other when we do. If you want to know where she is, you gotta call her and chase her down to get a hold of her!"

(And that's word for word on how he say it lol)

He always tells me how blown away he is by their relationship.

"I can't believe a guy like that would let his wife, who is hot as hell do her own things... they're so secure in their relationship it's unbelievable.. . I'm actually kind of jealous!"

I would ask him
"Is that the kind of relationship you like?"

I don't think he ever answer me.

But one time he said," wish my ex was like that. She's insecure and I know that when we get back together, things might seem cool but after a day or two she back to being the same and you can't fix that"

I always feel like he's referring this story to our relationship. We are like that. We do our own shit then meet up once a week when we can. But what kind of relationship is that? It's almost like your not together but when you do, it's always the most amazing high ever! And then we plan trips together and do crazy things, like drinking until we pass out and acting like teenagers n having the time of our life! After a day or two, we'll need our space again, recharge and regroup and go  back to doing our own shit... and it starts all over again.

I'm not used to it... but we accidentally found ourself in this kind of relationship.. . him bringing this up to me always makes me curious even though I'm sure he likes things this way between us...

[lilly]

Rebel, you definitely need to talk to him about all the concerns you have.  You need to set boundaries with him.  He needs to hear you out and respect your feelings and your thoughts on things.
 
Things that stick out to me that you need to address with him:
1. You want you two to be exclusive... That means he can never have a threesome or see anyone else besides you.  Is he OK with that?
2. You don't want to be insecure but for you to not be insecure, you need xyz from him.  For example, he needs to stay in constant communication with you, he cannot flirt with other girls, etc.
3. You want to see him more than 1 time a week.  You want to see him 3-4 times a week, maybe.
4. List whatever other concerns you have.
5. List whatever other things you need from him.

Based on his answers, you can decide if you want to continue with him or not.

Having fun and having the best time with someone is great, but it's not sustainable and not a long-term relationship if it's only short-lived or if it only happens in spurts.  You need ALL these things and not just a few: excellent communication, respect, trust, honesty, love, time with each other, commitment, chemistry, same relationship and same life goals.

[lilly]

Thanks Lilly, I appreciate your kind words. It's not healthy but So hard to let go. I have a lot of insecurities, I don't always show him lol in the end I know what best and maybe I need clarity... I know sometimes I always need reassurance from him but try not to be annoying so I let it go and it eats at me...lol

It's normal to have insecurities in the beginning.  But over time, he should calm your insecurities and build trust with you through his actions.  Words are not enough.  He needs to prove to you that you're the only one.

He should be understanding regarding your insecurities, if he has given you reason to be insecure.  But if he hasn't given you reason but you continuously show insecurity, that could be a turn off for him too.

You should share your insecurities with him.  And he should reassure you more.  If love is equally there between you guys, I believe that with time, you will trust him more and you won't be as insecure.  But woman, I have an issue with just knowing that he desires a threesome.  I don't think I can ever get that out of my head if I were you.  I'd always be looking at my back wondering if he's eyeing someone he'd like to have a threesome with.  I don't think I can live like that.  Too stressful.  But you know him best and you know your situation best.  Do what makes you happy.  Just know what you are getting yourself into.  Don't be naive. 

Anyway, I hope it works out for you guys.  But for sure, you guys have a lot of talking and "understanding each other" and maybe compromising to do.  Again, wish you the best and good luck.

[DuMa]

The more you read into your story, the more I'm fawked up in the head and here's why. 


Your case is a case of mental manipulation, sheltered and controlled like a kidnapper who kept their victim in the basement, all locked up and from time to time would give them some crack so they can get their high.  Rinse and repeat this and you know what all meth head looks like in the end?  They looked all busted up. 

Dr. Lily can help you.  She is not as disturbed as I am.  I do not know how this is going to end but you need a real shrink to weed this all out. 

I mean who the hell request for a 3 some and tells you a fictional stories about his fantasy like 5 effing times and here's the funny part, you keep on coming back for more crack. 

Almost similar to the mental manipulation of a wife beater, an abuser but at the same time, he sheltered her to prevent her from going to the authority to report his abusing azz.  The common thing about all victims in this case is that they say... "but I still loved him"  blah blah blah

Get help soon.   Take care.   

[Rebel]

Love coming back to read all you guys comments! sending virtual xoxo lol

[Rebel]

He's so busy I keep forgetting about him. And then he'll text me...

"I'm not trying to ignore you, just want to let you know I've been super busy like usual"

"Yeah, I know"

A part of me feel hurt and neglected. And in some of our conversations I'd tell him how he never calls me and so I'm used to not hearing from him.

"I want more time with you...I want to see you more than once a week... text me sometimes.. call me send me something... will you still take me to the cabin? I want to see you soon... are just something I would text him from time to time.

Of course, I don't always ask or say it all the time. But once  in a while I'll text him to let him know I'm thinking of him. And almost all the times he drops what he's doing to see me, which sometimes makes me feel bad so I ever ask much.

Or sometimes he'll text me once I feel like I'm over him and have slowly moved on, forgetting about him. And going forth with my life...

"Hey I miss you so much, you have no idea..."
"Don't lie..." I'll text back
"Stop it I'm telling you the truth"
"I miss you too"

He refuse to let go... so I keep hanging on.

We throw crumbs at each other, though he throws them more at me than I do at him. But these bread crumbs isn't satisfying, so why does he keep hanging on to me? Do he think I will always be around? Why do we take each other for granted? Idk

-----
Time to LET GO talk

"Look it's time for a talk...we're not going anywhere...i don't think I want this anymore... I think we can just give each other a break and see what else is out there..." I said to him

He had a shocked/confused look on his face. Then comes those damn words. Words he uses that neutralizes the situation... and he's good that that! He can make an restaurant manager sweat balls bc our orders is taking too long. He can say one word, in such  way that can change the situation around and create mixed feelings of guilt and tension... Idk he can be so chill but won't leave until respect is given.

Like that day at the restaurant:

"Well pay for your entire meal for free! You don't have to worry about it!" The manager said to us.

"It's cool... I'm paying for the entire meal and our drinks and I'll even tip the waitress even though our orders never came! You'll be seeing me again, it won't be the last time" he said to the restaurant manager.

Like I mentioned,  we always end up with free shit but it's not that we want free shit... we went there bc we want to pay for it...we want to enjoy our time and things like that. We weren't looking for handout and free rides, what's the fun in that? We want to pay for our meal bc we knew it would be freaking  delicious...an d we were there to celebrate a special occasion

But back to our conversation.. . instead of saying ok to me...

He said, "rebel, pack your bags, I'm taking you to New York... our dinner was ruined! Well there's a restaurant in New York that's way better than that place we went to and I'm gonna take you there..."

He looked over the calendar on his phone. And quickly picked out a weekend date...
"Better write that date down on your notepad or calendar... and don't you forget it!" You'll love it he said to me.

We were at an outdoor bar...he reached over and kissed me on my forehead and stared deeply into my eyes... and suddenly that was it... I forgot all about trying to break up with him...he made plans and were back to square one again...

"Rebel, Were in a exclusive relationship and we have to let each other know if we are going to bring other people into it...that's not to say you can date whoever you want outside of our relationship.. .we are bringing people in, you got it? But only if we both agree and if theres no agreement then it won't happen" he clarified it but I still don't like the idea.

I think he's just bullshitting me about the whole open relationship thing. He likes the idea that we are together but we're not tied to each other and gives him the sense of being single and his freedom yet have a girlfriend which i sometimes like too bc I hate being smothered in a relationship and being rushed into something. I want the relationship to organically happen on it's own without being forced...

[Rebel]

I wake up in the morning and some days I hate his ass. Honestly I don't bother calling him, I don't check in on him or care much what he does on most of his off days. It's been like that from the beginning and I'm not in hurry to change that. I don't give him attention, I hardly text him and will reply with short messages. I go days shrouded in my own life, doing my own thing, actually not giving a shit about whether he cares or not. I zone him out, put him on the last of my priority and indirectly at times treat him kind of crappy. I give him vague answers and sometimes I ignore it altogether without giving him a reason. I don't share with him what I'm having for lunch, who I'm hanging out with or what I'm doing when I get home. I don't tell him about the new toaster I just bought myself or that it took me a week later to tell him my dog is gone, but  in a short and emotionless text I sent him after I've spent several hours looking for my dog "he's gone for reals" and without much he knew exactly what I mean..,When we finally meet up for dinner I told him about my dog, I didn't want sympathy from him nor did I want him to hug and kiss me bc my dog is gone. All He said was, "fuk your dog, I'll get you a cat!" And that was it. And it was good enough for me.

The thing is, I really don't want to burden him with my life...and vice verse. I want him to focus on his career.., and I to mine. I want him to be happy and not have to cater to my needs at all times bc I'm a big girl. Lol I want to be in a relationship and be free to be my real self, to not have to answer to anyone at all times and calling to check in at all hours of the day....and not having to wait for permission to do something I want...I think I just want a man who knows that I'm always gonna be there for him, be loyal and have his back but don't want to feel like I'm in a prison!?! I want a different kind of relationship, I want to live a different kind of lifestyle.

But lately I don't know what I'm doing lol

[Rebel]

"I have an addiction..." he blurted out to me.

I stopped what I was doing and waited for him to finish... but then he paused, trying to find the right words to say to me, I guess. I can tell that he wanted to hold back as though those words slipped out by accident and he didn't meant to say them but at the same time, he looked like a little child wanting to confess something to me, wanting me to know and accept him for flaws Ive never seen in him.

I held my breath, silently waiting for this grown ass man to speak up. To tell me what his problem was but he was scare to say it. He eyed the kitchen floor and didn't look at me. Was he ashamed? What was he "really" hiding from me? I know something was wrong, but  I couldn't put my finger on it. Usually he's never like this. He's not afraid to tell it like it is...

The thing with him is, most of the times he's this hot confident hunk of a guy like he's from some summery tv commercial ads, other times, he comes off as though he's this little boy, needing my love, hunger for something only a mother could give him.

I hardly call him bc even though he is a natural flirt and a damn social butterfly, with me most of the time he is serious, sometimes he get shy with me. He never flirts with me, but is extremely affectionate. He doesn't take compliments well from me, he blush and brush it off,  but I know inside he loves it. He can also come off like a ****, but rational in his decision. If he did t like something,he'd say it and if he didn't like something I did, he'd tell it to my face.  He only compliments me when he's drunk, but is affectionate and loving when he is sober.

"Sooo...?!?" I said to him

He inhaled and looked up at me...I can always tell when he's lying. And I've caught him in a lot of little whites lies before but never confront him about them. I find it useless to get confrontationa l over something dumb and petty and usually take him at face value. And if I haven't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't go around assuming,  even though I have.

"I'm addicted to my career... it's the only thing that I live for....you see I grew up not having certain things from my parents.... so in my job, I work so hard to make up for what I never got..."

By that time he had fixed me my second drink. I was buzzing. I didn't want to pry into his personal life, I didn't want to push the agenda to the point it will make him uncomfortable. If he wanted to share more things with me, he will. But I knew he was lying. I know that whatever it was, it's not about his career...

"Look we all have issues...trust me, I have mine" I said to him.

People think that I'm in some kind of dysfunctional relationship, to me it seems normal like any other relationship, bc no relationship is  perfect. The truth is I'm dysfunctional myself. I always ends up with these types of men...the kind who is kinda wishy washy...damage d somehow... and have emotional issues. It is just recently in this relationship with him that I start to see certain patterns and issues within myself. U know how you think your so normal all your life, only  to find that you actually have issues you've been keeping deep inside yourself...?

That night the conversation about splitting up came up again.  I think I just need his reassurance from time to time. I'm a word of affirmation type chick so I need to hear these stuff.

"Call me.." he said a few times to me that evening and in the morning before I left.

I didn't answer him. Honestly it's been almost a little two weeks since I reached out to him. And three weeks now since he last called me.

Oh and that story about the lady at Starbuck was told to me again... and this time I asked him questions about their relationship lmao

Whatever he want from me, he's not telling me. And whatever I need from him I won't ask. One of our biggest problem is communication. Were fine together but when we're away it's radio silence...

[Rebel]

My ex in laws are huge trump supporters. Its sickening How they praise this idiot like he's some kind of Jesus Christ. They are evangelist... tongue speaking, church going, and god fearing people who can't see past His bullshit., sometimes it seems like the devil have taken over them...The other day I stopped by Bc they had some tomatoes they wanted me to pick up... even though  I'm not really into politics, my ex mother in law, who I always refer her by her first name, started her rant about how democrat is a bunch of liberal duckers, messing up shit and how they try to make trump look bad... when he was the chosen by god to lead the country and the best president In history.. And then, she got into the whole shit about the Chinese virus.... This really got my blood boiling....fun ny why it does when I hardly keep up with politics. I guess it's bc it pisses me off too much, so I no longer watch the news or any of those briefings for that matter...  Even if  I lean more toward the republican side, I still think trump is a narcissist piece of shit. How can these people not see past that shit! They despise me bc they think I'm a liberal democrat so they like to rub shit in my face, a way to start shit with me lmao i can't stand that they can worship this demon like a god but then again, they all have the same personality as him... white, racist, narcissistic, delusional, uneducated, ignorant, self righteous duckers who think they're godly and perfect and better than most human beings put in earth...

They'll say shit like, "there needs to be a mother duck'n wall... or send them back" when in truth their grandparents came over as immigrants, just like everyone else. So I don't care how white their skin color is...They're in the same boat as everyone else here...they just think they're better than the rest bc they think their skin color say they are...

Family gatherings used to be such a drag to go to bc you already know things will go down. To avoid any kind of fight, everyone always try their best to not get political...bu t it always ends up bad, most times with Everyone storming off which ever way they came from before the party even started, food fights and police got involved a few times bc of this dysfunctional shit, the fact that everyone have different views politically and no one can get along... you always have this three sides, the more evolved side, the neutral side and the Neanderthal side. I'm glad I'm not longer a part That! This year I will be voting and guess who it will be?