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Author Topic: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman  (Read 6642 times)

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2020, 01:14:33 AM »
Lately I constantly feel the need to run away, to get away, to vanish and disappear. I'm full yet empty.

Dan was pissed st me for "vanishing" during the holidays. He counted down the days I last texted him. Although he kept his cool during the whole time we didn't communicate, he called me on New Year's Day and lashed out at me. We ended up st the movies on a weekday and he spilked out his miseries to me, even broke down a little bit. But for a long time I couldn't read that MF and as sweet as he can be something was just feel wrong. He has this side to him that's very dominating and that's what's frightens me sometimes. He gives me commands and I get so scared I just "ok" everything. Sometimes his roughness comes out and that too scares me...how can a dorky guy like him scare me so deeply? He gets aroused by it and I lose my shit over it

Though there's so much weird stuff I want to get out of my head and share on here i want to keep it clean lol so you all will not know about it...and it's a good thing



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2020, 12:14:08 PM »
Dan haven't been fair to me, at least I feel that way.  I stopped contacting for two days... thinking we'd silently ghost each other but he sent me three "accidental" texts messages. After the third one I replied bc of the way he worded it. "Hey sexy, hello to you too"  I sent one back asking if he had "accidentally" messaged me. He admit that it was on "purpose." Then went back on what he said.
I responded "ya right.."
He texted, "u forgot about me n I missed u"
Me, "I didn't for get u at all"
Him: "you haven't texted me in a while"
Me. "I was busy and thought u were too"
Him: "I am never busy for you, text me"

I was actually on a date when I received the message and didn't respond until I got home. I don't know what to feel. Honestly I always wonder if he crazy in love with me or stringing me along? He wants to see me very single week. He makes plans and texts me everyday since I meet him. We talk about everything under the sun. I feel like he's my best friend but...but why won't he make me his girlfriend? He talks about it all the time referring me to " you're my future girlfriend". He tell me how he wanted to be treated and want me to call him by certain names...likes he's my lover. We've shared intimate moment, share our thoughts and sharing a little of our self each time we meet. Then once he feels like I'm slipping, he comes after me. And this bullshit starts all over again.

I'm trying to figure my love life out. I know for a fact that I don't need a man in my life. I am very content and happy at the current moment... I'm not sure I am really girlfriend material at the moment either... I've gotten out of my divorce and I'm just floating with the wind. I want a relationship but I also want to be left alone sometimes...I wanna see what else is it there but I feel the need to stay loyal



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Offline DuMa

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #17 on: February 12, 2020, 01:01:23 PM »
Quote
I'm trying to figure my love life out. I know for a fact that I don't need a man in my life. I am very content and happy at the current moment... I'm not sure I am really girlfriend material at the moment either... I've gotten out of my divorce and I'm just floating with the wind. I want a relationship but I also want to be left alone sometimes...I wanna see what else is it there but I feel the need to stay loyal

Let me tell you about the lingering phenomenon.  It works best for some couples out there.  They do not know why they are together.  They are together because they are tied by something, a child perhaps.  The are together because they have tried dating other people but they somehow goes back to each other when dating other people fails. 

Like in between being lovers and a friend.  You are not marriage material to be kept but at the same time, you are a lot better than them grasses on the other side.  This playbook is quite dangerous actually.  Before you know it, one side will find their jackpot and get marry to someone else and will leave you or them, high and dry.

Very frustrating position I know. 




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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #18 on: February 14, 2020, 02:57:58 PM »
Let me tell you about the lingering phenomenon.  It works best for some couples out there.  They do not know why they are together.  They are together because they are tied by something, a child perhaps.  The are together because they have tried dating other people but they somehow goes back to each other when dating other people fails. 

Like in between being lovers and a friend.  You are not marriage material to be kept but at the same time, you are a lot better than them grasses on the other side.  This playbook is quite dangerous actually.  Before you know it, one side will find their jackpot and get marry to someone else and will leave you or them, high and dry.

Very frustrating position I know.

He wanted to be exclusive when we first dated but I was still going through my divorce n didn't want to be committed into a relationship yet.  I've been hot and cold lately n not sure myself if this is really what I want. A part of me want to explore what's out there and Ive tried to let him go on many occasions but I feel like we both have such a good connection I don't want to leave it either. Eventually someone's gonna get hurt and I don't want it to be me...I'm in a confusing period of my dating life lol but Yes, i want a man in my life, im just sorting my life



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #19 on: February 14, 2020, 03:01:19 PM »
I watch "first they killed my father" on Netflix awhile ago and I felt a sudden sadness for the fact  that we don't have a country and if we did, I how wonder how it would it look like...? Would we have temples and stores and schools and bookstores? How did these other people conquered lands and where did we go wrong to lose a country? Or did we had a country..?



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #20 on: February 14, 2020, 03:09:56 PM »
I feel like this baby sheep who was just minding my own business eating grass and chilling without a care in the world... but somehow I gazed up n realized I'm on the other (wrong) side of the mountain, away from the rest of my herd... and maybe a feeling little lost...

Happy Valentine's Day!



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #21 on: February 15, 2020, 11:52:38 AM »
....


« Last Edit: February 15, 2020, 08:54:07 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2020, 12:04:38 AM »
He asked to hangout for valentines day and told me he will text me for the time.  Well.., Valentine's morning came and he messaged me early in the morning to wish me a happy v day and I replied wishing him one... but then, nothing after that!! I waited until 8pm then flipped my shit on him. He finally replied 30 minutes later just to tell me he had FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT ME...ON VALENTINES DAY?!?? WTF! Oh my gawd!! I'm dying of this ridiculousness . Was he joking??? Testing my nerves?? Honestly didn't care??? I was so pissed I feel like I lost my sparkles...tur ned into cruella diville....and couldn't think straight... Ive gotten dolled up  and I thought we were gonna hang out. Was I just kidding myself??  I went through the text messages he had sent the day before, he had wanted us to hangout and said he would love to see me...if I wasn't doing anything...

" im sorry...im sorry look, I'm waiting for you... I'm so excited you'll be coming here, i can't wait to see you" he kept repeating

"I don't want to anymore... forget it...u could of told me... I would of been cool about it and  made other plans! " I said trying not to lose my cool.

"I'm moving things into the new house and renovating parts of it, you knew that and I've lost track of time.... you need to call and remind me of these things too!!" He calmly said to me

You said you'd  call me with the time, n I was waiting on you!! " I said trying to stay calm

"WELL, TEXT ME THEN WOMAN! You suck at texting..you suck at communicating blah blah  blah " His voice rumbled like thunder through the line...

I almost wanted to hang up but was so mad I wanted to give him a piece of my mind

"Well.., I would but your always so duckEN BUSY, ****... !" I shot back at him

Yea... BUT I ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR YOU, DONT I? TOLD YA I DONT CARE WHEN YOU MESSAGE ME, JUST MESSAGE ME, I'll always make time for you. Now be here soon... Cause I'm waiting for you"

I end up at his house at 9:45 pm.... lol looking like a disheveled cruella diville, wearing the ugliest looking outfit I could find in the closet... no point to looking nice anymore... he laughed at my ugly top... gave me a bear hug and said
"I promise I will make it up for you."
We kissed and made up over a shot of whiskey and a glass of liquor. We sat out on the front porch and watched the busy traffic into the night and talked about our life and the fun that we had during our last trip together.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #23 on: February 20, 2020, 01:16:40 AM »
For the past month I've been advoiding a lot of people in my life. I wanna make time for myself. I have goals that I need to focus on and dreams to accomplish and crap, I'm still going through my divorce. Like, when will this nightmare be over with? Tina and Mel came by to check up on me today. They were worried that something happened to me and I was surprised to see them when I got home.. I didn't feel the need to apologize at all.. told them I was happy to see them and we hung out and chatted for over an hour about just stupid things before they left. They had to remind me that it's been since Christmas since they heard from me... they had to remind me what an awful friend I am..

My brother also called not too long ago,  bc i haven't called them for some time now.. and he was pretty pissed even though he sounded like it was nice to finally get a hold of me...I should of been the one to call him bc he was hospitalized.. .but I didn't. And a little bit of me feel awful about it too.  And yea, i told my sis that  I will go visit her but flaked out months ago...and then David died, and  I fell into  some kind of depression.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #24 on: February 22, 2020, 10:42:13 PM »
Many of our conversations are usually over a few drinks... and I have to admit that the next day when Im sober I try to remember exactly what we talked about... last night was one of those nights where we had some deep conversations on the front porch...
 I remember him saying something along the line of... "u can go on an adventure and have fun... I don't mind.." or " I don't mind that you go and do things, I'm ok with it"

 I remember replying back to him... "keep saying that and I'm gonna really do it..." and for some reason it shut him up

Earlier today I try to remember exactly what we were talking about... but it's a blur between our conversation and the meaning  of what was said...and what I remembered

Did he mean that I can date/explore around and he was gonna be okay with it?

Did he mean that I  can go out and do whatever i like and he didn't mind?

Was he referring to my upcoming weekend trip?

Anyhow..., we ended up mentioning about our ex's and he got a little jealous when I told him that that my ex still comes by and try to work things out with me even though I want nothing to do with him. So then he told me about other day when he went by his ex house to pick up his son, n his ex was trying to sleep with him and get him to have a threesome with another girl that was at the house... we almost got into it on the front porch... but decided to have another drink and cool off.














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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #25 on: February 27, 2020, 03:52:07 PM »
"So which hotel are you staying at?"
"Whose going with you on this trip?"
"When are you coming back?"

He asked me again for the second time. In my head I'm thinking why the duck do u want to know where I'll be staying at? I quickly gave him a vague answer... "oh it's about five miles from there..." I said with a smile on my face.
"That's ok", he said and he leaned over to kiss me on my forehead.

Honestly, it's no ones business where I'll be staying at, just wanted him to know I'll be gone for that weekend...was that not good enough?

We end up watching the joker movie, halfway through and he looked over at me with the biggest joker grin on his face; he always look so ducken cute!
"You make me feel like I'm a teenager all over again..."
And I think that's why I like him too. I just want to enjoy the moment. I don't want the pressure of life. I don't want to talk about relationships. I don't want to complicate things. I don't want to have the responsibility of being a couple. I just want to vibe and live in the moment.

I thought it was so cute that he wore his Asian shirt for me that day...he said it was his favorite shirt now bc the Asian girl looked just like me...for a moment there  he seemed like a happy little boy whose was yearning for my love and approval and something inside of me lit up for a sec.

I left early but didn't bother giving him a goodbye kiss. He called after me, "be safe, driving home!" "Be safe!" "Drive well" I know he wanted me to turn around and go back for a kiss but I pretend like I didn't hear him... I suddenly felt mad at him as I was leaving out the door...but wanted to stay calm and indifference about it.

Did he wanted to see me today so he can do this to me? I was annoyed bc he always managed to leaves something on me every single time we meet...the only reason why he wanted to see me on a Tuesday evening was so he can make sure it was there and i knew this time, like every time it was intentional. An innocent sensual neck kiss turned into an aggressive suffocating love bite that felt like I was attacked by a vampire... i freed myself from his grip and walked away...didn't look back. I had voice this to him before but he keeps doing it. And my instinct keeps alerting me it's a red flag...or is he in love with me? Wtf is wrong with me... why do I always end up with these kinds of guys?





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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #26 on: February 27, 2020, 04:22:07 PM »
I told my mother, " if u have absolutely nothing nice to say, just learn to close your mouth! In my house you can only say things that are positive, nice, loving, kind/tender and encouraging... and if you have nothing sweet and beautiful to think of to say or talk about, then be quiet! Not everyday do I need to hear negative shit coming from u bc it ducks up my vibe and suck the life, peace and joy  out of me!"




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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #27 on: March 02, 2020, 10:14:28 PM »
He texted me: " I'm jealous you're gone for the weekend...send me some pictures of your trip when you can"

The next day another message: "I'm working a few blocks from where your staying at...some commercial building etc"

Later that night: " Are you watching the fireworks?  I can hear it from where I'm at!"

He usually never, ever work out toward that way, I thought it was freaking weird as hell. I asked him why he was out here working and received no response lol

"I'm having so much fun...wished u were here."

"Yes, me too...I miss u"

"Miss u2"

Every time our conversations gets a little serious,  like when we say we miss each other....., we'll pull away for a couple days, sometimes an entire week as if that was too much and too serious all at once...

Since then silence



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #28 on: March 06, 2020, 04:53:01 PM »
"What are you doing tonight? How you been...want to see you..."
He finally messaged after almost a week later...

I didn't see it until I was leaving out the door...

"I'm busy... I have something to do later in the evening...can't see you tonight"

He took an unusually long time to reply back

"Ok fine... maybe next time? How bout Monday?

I didn't respond.

I don't want to catch feelings. Or did I already have feelings? I want to fight it at the same time I feel like fleeing from feeling anything..  I have issues and that's why I wanna talk about it..

@9:00pm
"Come see me, pls"
"We'll catch up next time :)"


« Last Edit: March 06, 2020, 04:57:07 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #29 on: March 07, 2020, 02:18:50 PM »
My ex @ 12:16 am

"Rebel,... I dropped your AUX cord off left it on your key rack..."

"Ok thank..whose there? How u get in my house?"

"Drove by your car was gone but lights are on... d's here. I stop by I'm still here I need to use the bathroom.."

"Have a good night please don't stay out late thank you goodnight be safe"

"Your bathroom light is out"

He called me four times but I didn't pick up. I was at a some dive bars east of here... just needing to get away for a awhile...I didn't want to uber home so we stayed until I sobered. Early this morning ex messaged me to see if I was free next weekend, but I think he just wanted to see if I got home yet.

"No" I told him
"I have a wedding to go to"

"Oh cool..whose getting married?"

"Someone you don't know"

"Do you have the Disney plus app on your phone?"

"No"

"I was saying I can give you my login info n  you can watch some of your favorite movies..."

"No thanks..., I don't have time"

"Ok"




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