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Author Topic: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman  (Read 36872 times)

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #135 on: January 03, 2021, 03:07:03 PM »
Rebel, where have you been?  I miss reading your stuff.  But then I've been busy myself too.  That's nice that he took you to meet his friends.  Nice that he wants his family to meet you and vice versa.  That means he sees a future with you.  But that is weird that he likes to be high around you all the time.  Have you asked him why he drinks around you all the time?  Does it help him relax?  Does Rebel time mean being high time/relaxation time/unwind time to him?  Hmmm?

I thinks it’s become a habit but i don’t know why he always needs to be intoxicated woth me. I’ve asked him abs he always tell me he doesn’t drink only when we’re hanging out. But his fridge is always full of alcohol lol he stash them for us when we hang out. Anyway I was just busy lately  :)



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #136 on: January 03, 2021, 03:27:52 PM »
He invited me to his moms funeral.

“I’m sorry you never got to meet her...I regret it. And I know you don’t know her but I’d want you to be there.”

He called me a week after his mother passed and told me what happened. He was broken but acted like he was ok. I knew he wasn’t and can hear it in his voice. 

“I’m only so hurt bc she was still so young” he said.

My heart ached for him.

There was a lot of moment of silence. Because I didn’t know the right words to say to him and  a little shocked.

“Your going to be there, right? All my family will be there... I’d want you to be there” he continue to say to me.

I never answered him but he knew I would. I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind.
—————

Sometimes I look at him and my heart swells. I honestly don’t know how things will go down between us. The feeling I have of him is a feeling I have when I was in my childhood... like the sun always shinning, the air feels right and I feel so nostalgic... childhood nostalgia... have you ever thought of your childhood memories and felt all warm inside? Even in another 50 years, I’d think back to some of these moments with him, and I’d still feel the same way.....


« Last Edit: January 03, 2021, 03:36:34 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #137 on: January 06, 2021, 02:20:09 PM »
I have outgrown a lot of my friends. Many of them still keep in touch with me, and I still reach out sometimes but I find it sad that we no longer have things in common anymore. Even on social media, I feel like we no longer connect on a level that needs to be and it’s apparent how our personalities are so different, especially with the things we share and what we do with our lives. Hanging out just doesn’t feel “fun” anymore but more like a task.

Before the pandemic, going to the club or bar, socially feels exhausting. It’s fun sometimes but not always. I hate to admit it but I always feel unstimulated somehow.... like suddenly things just changed between us and I’ve surpassed certain stages in my life and ready to move on to something else, something bigger, something  more challenging. I want some kind of human interaction/connection but I can’t seem to find it anywhere....li ke where the duck is my tribe of people?

I live in a small town with a minimal amount of Hmong people and I always feel this need to connect with them but even they know I’m different in a way that I couldn’t fit in even if I tried. I’m not Hmong enough and not white enough...but the same time, I am very Hmong and also a very prideful American. When I was single I tried to hang out with them but it always felt weird bc 99 percent of them were married. Then I got married and thought it would be better to hang out with them now that I was married too but it still feels weird and out of place.

My goal this year is to find people I can connect with. Pick up new hobbies and focus on myself.

I am working on my vision board for 2021


« Last Edit: January 10, 2021, 05:37:31 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #138 on: January 10, 2021, 05:29:18 PM »
At a gathering i overheard him say that he went to Chicago... when the F did that happened and how come I didn’t know about it? I was pissed. But kept to myself. Later that night he showed me pictures of his trip and told me about it.

“After what I was going through with my mom,I had to get away... I didn’t want to talk to anyone” he said to me

On the phone he was very emotional when he talked with his friends about his mom. But with me he acted tough.

“I haven’t got a moment to be sad... it’s such a weakness and I won’t show you it” he said.

“I don’t think that’s normal to not show your feelings...it’s ok” I said to him

——-

I went through an old album sitting on the coffee table. While flipping through it, he came over and handed me some pictures of him and his first love.

“She called me and we talked for several hours when she heard my mom died... we made peace after X years of our break up!”

“Why don’t you work things out with her?”

“She’s married and she’s happy...”

When he handed me pictures of him and his first love, he acted surprised like he had just stumbled upon it..  “oh wow look what I found!” He said while standing over my shoulder and handing it to me.
I looked at them and slide them inside the album along with the other pictures. “She’s gorgeous” I said to him.
I feel like he wanted to see if I would flip out. I didn’t find it in me to get mad about it. There was no reason to. She was a big part of his past and his first love and he deserved to have them.

The next morning I gave him an ultimatum...

“You can go out and date other people and do what you want.... I can’t do this... since I’m sober so now and I can say these thing to you....”

He tried to avoid me
“I don’t think we should end this... we’re having so much fun” he sounded nervous

“ I know but I can’t do this any more... I’ve let you do what you want all these times and YOU’RE TAKING OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED!” I was beginning to lose my cool

“I understand...r emember, we’re still legally married... and I’m finalizing my divorce this year....let’s meet in the middle” he tried to stay calm.

“The middle? Your crazy.... we have not been meeting in the middle... YOU LEFT TO CHICAGO AND DIDNT TELL ME, duck YOU ASHOLE”

“Fine, i can’t stop you and change your mind or make you think otherwise... if that’s what you want” he started to get angry

It start to annoy me.

“I can’t...” I said

“I understand what your feeling....” he kept repeating and trying to calm the situation

“You don’t...

“Let’s meet in the middle...I still want us to be together...don’t wanna lose you”

I thought for some time. My mind went blink. But my heart wanted to say so much shit to him. I didn’t want to come across like a passive aggressive ****... which I was beginning to sound like

“Fine, I gotta see you more than this... I want to stay sober and I want to get out of the house when we hang out”

“Fine, I’ll make plans and we’ll stay sober and we’ll hang out more than we have...I’ll plan more trips and outings.... I’ll surprise you, how about that?” He smiled looking at me.

The whole time we had this conversation he darted all over the house.... I had to raise my voice to speak to him.

He looked me dead in the eye and stopped getting dress.... “No, I really think this should be our last time seeing each other!” I calmly said as he stood shirtless, still  in his underwear...lo oking like a Greek god who had just fallen from the heavens...

He was searching for something to say to me and he was unsure of the things to say to me bc I was truly serious about ending things and ready to walk. In the end we both agreed to seeing more of each other...

But foolish as it sound, he is my weakness. And every time i walked away, he’d called me again and the process starts over... the reason our relationship is like this is also due to my own self from the beginning... I have intense fear of commitment and whatever I had, he caught it. So we’re swinging in a state of limbo. We want it, but at the same time it feels like we both can’t handle the seriousness of the relationship, so we dip back in and restart the attraction process over and over. It’s not all his fault. For all I know he always remind me that we are exclusively together. We both can’t fully commit even when we both want to... sometimes it’s just the timing of everything that’s going on with our own life at the moment.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #139 on: January 10, 2021, 06:04:25 PM »
Lol damn I share too much


« Last Edit: February 01, 2021, 12:25:55 AM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #140 on: January 11, 2021, 12:05:33 PM »
He slowly revealed himself to me over the year so it didn’t come all at once. My perception of who I thought he was at the beginning, had changed. He changed and so have I. It’s funny to look back and see how different we both were at the beginning. Even now, I still haven’t surrender to him... yeah we’ve expressed our feelings and spend intimate time together but hell no will I fully surrender myself to him. And I think whatever it is, it’s toxic. I’m toxic. I still look at him with unsureness, even though I admit he is the total package.... Ill give in sometimes, but I really don’t want to be tied down to it. I want the commitment and the relationship but I don’t want that extra weight of responsibility that comes along with it. I’m not going to go over and cook or clean, and I subtly made that known to him...i won’t give him that kind of benefit that I still feel he hasn’t earned. I don’t know what is wrong with me...This is the exact pattern I notice about myself in almost all relationship I’ve been in. But I never stopped to wonder why, now I am. It’s some weird attachment style I have, I was told.  But Trust me, I’ve taken those test online and they always come out that I have a secure attachment style...lol

I don’t want to commit, for I have this huge fear that I will suffocate, wither away and perish. And I’m trying to understand this part of me, bc some day I’d like to fall deeply in love and not be afraid but be able to give freely and be in a healthy and beautiful kind of relationship with my best friend! So for the mean time, I’m working on myself and my personal growth... I want to be prepared so that the next real relationship I get in,  will be the best and the last one for me.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #141 on: January 11, 2021, 12:22:34 PM »
 I should be calling my siblings and checking up on them for the new year and stuff but I’m selfish, I’m neglectful, and full of myself. Gosh how I hate myself sometimes, I  stuff my self with sweets when I self loath... thank god ever since my ex husband left, I rarely cook. I purposely gave myself permission to be lazy, to only cook when I have to... to only eat so I won’t die... or make a meal only when my stomach is calling me to be fed...Shit if I cooked every day  I’d gained weight bc I’d probably eat for no good reason, just to eat bc it’s dinner hour.

Today is windy as hell out door. The sky is clear and I’m trying to make up my mind as to who to call first but my mind is telling me no... call them tomorrow



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #142 on: January 12, 2021, 03:45:21 PM »
Part 1
He’s clean shaven most of the time, his brown hair is combed to the side, and he has a gorgeous smile. He always remind me of those stunning old American boys from the 50s, proper but has a hint of bad to them. It’s hard to resist him. And I know most girls throw themself at him.

Most times it’s when we’re driving in the car,  girls will call him, and try to get flirty with him on the phone. Some ask him out in a friendly way,  like meeting up for coffee dates, some are female clients of his, they’ll call to get his attention. Some will try to stay on the phone with him for as long as they could. One lady called a  few day ago to chat with him, after a long ass annoying conversation and us missing our exit to dinner three times, she asked if he wanted him to take his kid out to the park with her kids and go grab lunch afterward lol that one pissed me off so bad. He never hide these calls from me and speak openly with me around. He’s still nice to them.  Hell declined politely by saying, “ I got stuff to do this weekend, sorry. Maybe some other time”

He’s  very sociable so, people like to talk to him but then these friendly conversation spills over to them wanting a date... and you know how horny people have been since the pandemic, will I’ll write my stories on that later lmao but I think sometimes he purposely pick up their calls to see if I’ll freak out...to get me jealous. Sometimes I find it rude but then again he’s a straight people pleaser, and admits to it! But he knows where to draw the line. Our longest phone conversation we ever had was maybe 45 minutes when we started dating but the  majority of the time it’s two minute tops! we get in and out...our text are to the point and I can be very short with him...it’s only to set up dates so when these people call to talk forever, it bothers me in a way that I want to snap! Bc they are taking his time away from me... lol

I always act like I don’t care but inside, I’m low key bothered by it...I feel  my self esteem chipping away... and who wouldn’t be pissed about it anyways?  Well I am, n you know why I’m pissed?  I’m pissed bc I never signed up to play jumangi and suddenly I’m in this mf game with all these other mf player/competitors...I keep saying “jumangi” to end the mf game but he keeps dragging me along to play... that’s why I’m pissed. Yes I know I can walk away and have the power in that but he grabs on to me in a way that makes it so hard...He’s good with words bc that’s what he do for a living and will get me in a way that I can never say no to him. And I hate that he has that kind of control over me.


I always tell myself that if a man ever stray from me and leave, he just isn’t my guy and I’d gladly let him go. The reason why I haven’t completely let go is bc we don’t have big issues to completely break up over...if I ever call him, he usually pick up on the first ring. If he can’t answer, he gives me a legit reason later. He usually text me right away, every time I ever text him, he always makes plans to see me even if I’m just checking in on him...he’s accommodating and respects my time and very gentlemanly about everything, and polite but won’t let me step on him the wrong way...and if I ever do, he lets me know it.

To be continued...



« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 02:13:51 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #143 on: January 12, 2021, 04:14:02 PM »
Part 2
With that said, I’m sure he gets pussy when I’m not around. I don’t care how secure you are in a relationship, things like that comes up every now and then.....But you can’t accuse someone when you got no proof either... So,I’ve made it cleared that if I ever catch him doing anything shady, I’m done for good. He’ll tell me that he’s so busy he’s got no time to screw around, and tell me I can come by to check if I want.  He did all that messing around when he was younger...

Sometimes my insecurities comes out, so I always try to break up with him bc deep down I really think that he’s up to no good sometimes. And I’ll want to end things with him, sometimes we’ll have these mini fights... I’m in tears quietly screaming across the porch. He’s trying to calm me down and will come butter me up... Well come back in and have hot steamy make up X...

“I’m sorry you're mad at me” he’ll whisper in my ear as he makes love to me.

“I didn’t mean it” I’ll say to him.

And once again, I’ll believe him. No doubt he does shit on purpose to make me jealous all the time...or is he testing me? When alcohol gets involved, our bickering intensified... a lot of times he listens to me vent and then ask if I’m done. And he’ll laugh about it. But  he like to make things better, so we make it up in the bedroom...

I’ll leave for a long period of time though...and I don’t want to be bothered... I can’t be tied down, no matter what...maybe it’s just a period I’m going through and will change later when my brain has matured enough.

But I love it that he’s mentally strong and hard to break and always talk to me in a calm manner. I, on the other hand seem to lose my cool a lot more...Our bickering never last long, I’ll give into submission and eventually get over it and he knows that.

Sometimes I question what his intentions are bc he can get any girl he wants... He’ll wrap me up into his world and brings me around important people in his life. Over a year now and he still consistently plans our dates and always is enthusiastic to see me. Our dates have always been positive and fun. Sex is awesome, conversations are amazing, doing bad things together and feeling young like, teenagers is exciting! Then he’ll say it, the L word as he looks me in the eyes. I would blush and give him a kiss. He’ll open up to me about some of his deepest secrets... and I’ll tell him mine.

I’ve dated all sorts of men in my life...but he’s different from the rest.....  once you hit a certain kind of level in dating, you can’t go back to something mediocre anymore. The next guy, the next girl, the next relationship will have to be a level above....

*I’m just saying, bc I tried  to low key keep my options open and see that it was just a little bit harder now for someone to get my attention hahahaha


« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 05:09:21 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #144 on: January 15, 2021, 11:38:33 PM »
People come to my house, and for ever long its been, they are always at a loss for word when they know that I actually cook my own food. 
“Wow, we thought you only know how to eat at McDonald” most will say.

But more than anything they are amaze that  I have a home library

 ;D


« Last Edit: February 01, 2021, 12:22:57 AM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #145 on: January 16, 2021, 02:00:00 AM »
Being with you feels like being high on something  he said to me one day

Like what? We should try it, whatever it is and see for ourself I said

I’m dying to just let him lead me astray


I always want a man to lead me in life, sometimes even if it’s for the worst.


Why can’t we ever stay sober  I said to him

We were, but now we’re not he said.

We laughed.

And that was the end of it.

Drunken in love

Just a made up story


« Last Edit: January 16, 2021, 02:49:17 AM by Rebel »

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #146 on: January 21, 2021, 08:25:29 PM »
Shortly after his moms funeral, he took me halfway across the state to meet his aunt. This trip was not planned, at least not in that moment. He probably thought about it but was so random...

He insisted that we go to this Starbucks that was almost an hour away. How odd...
“why didn’t we go to the ones nearby?”
“We should try a different Starbucks today” he said

After our coffee date, he turned into  the freeway going the opposite direction of home. He wouldn’t  tell me where we were going... so we drove for hours and hours...he stopped at every few places along they way... to tell me stories about that specific place, of a time he and his mom/family stopped by here and what they did, like a famous hiking trail, a popular diner or bakery... I asked him where we were really going and  he would say that it was so and so. He finally gave a name to a place. We went there. We hung out for an hour and I thought we were going to end up getting a cabin for the night. But he kept driving and finally called in a hotel...

“Yeah I called in yesterday to check for a room... Sure, don’t charge me yet until I get there” he said to them

“Where the duck are we going”

“Looks like you’ll have to find out”

We ended up states away and more than 1000 miles away from home. When we got to our destination, I was ready to go to sleep. But he dragged me out to see the city at night.

“Why are we here?” I asked confused
“I kidnapped you...hope your not mad. I’ll let you know tomorrow, let’s just enjoy this moment”

The next day he drove me up to see his only living aunt, uncle and all his cousins. Even though everyone was unease bc of COVID. We all got to meet up for 2 hours. They were lovely.

We stayed the whole weekend there with nothing but the clothes on our backs and ate at every restaurants we thought had good food. We could of went shopping to get clothes to wear but didn’t have time to do that...he constantly had us on the go. We went to several places there, lookout points and well-known parks.  We walked up and down streets and drove all over town....we really fine combed that place... it was so beautiful!!! He had all sorts of things planned out and constantly checked his phone to make sure there was still enough time to do other things...

“I wanted to just surprise you! You know something, you’re above most girls I know... I just want you to know that I enjoy your company even without sex and alcohol... I don’t want you to think that’s all we do” he said to me.

I laughed. Was that a compliment or a load of shit? He’s so random...

So many girls called all weekend long. It annoyed me and I finally snapped.

“At least I’m not hiding these calls from you...and I’m letting you know who it is”

Some girl called him three times while we were on a busy freeway. He picked up and they started chatted for awhile...when I asked him he said that that girl was only calling to check up on him and see what he was up to... but it  killed my mood. He pulled over and stopped to get me some candy at a liquor store...to shut me up so I can get over it. Not that I was saying anything, but my mood seriously changed and I became quiet and annoyed.

Later that evening he expressed himself to me

“What have I ever done in my life to deserve a woman like you...I have so much RESPECT for you that sometimes I feel like I can’t duck you in dirty ways...or duck you at all..”

He had a few drinks by this time. Sometimes I feel he need the drinks to express himself to me even though he is a very talkative and social person. I don’t know how to take that..is that good or bad?

This trip taught me a few thing about our relationship:
1: people stare at us no matter where we go. He brought that up to his family that people in their little town was so weird and we constantly got stared all by almost everyone
2: we both pitched in for the cost of the trip. Even though he paid more than me, I didn’t have a problem paying $80 for lunch or filling the tank, bc it was worth it and he to me (but shit he eat expensively!)
3: we have fun not matter where we are, easily adaptable with the people around us. People always stop to have short meaningless conversations with him. I’m jealous he’s so easy to have a conversation with and have a magnetic thing with him that pull strangers to him
4: we work as a team
5: we both can function perfectly with each other without sex and drinking. We tried our best to stay sober.
6: quiet time is not weird or awkward, but enjoyable
7: though we were sober for the most part on the first day there, the next two days he drank pretty heavily at night time.. makes me question if maybe it’s his nerves that’s causing him to drink or if he’s still uncomfortable with me at times... he claimed he only drinks around me.
8: We saw how we both deal with anger. He have a tight face look and stays quiet. I storm off to cool off.
9: our happiness was important
10: there was no expectation but things feel into place like a puzzle that just made sense plus the wonderful day was marvelous that made our experience so much more enjoyable...

“We got to do this again. There’s so much places I still want to take you...” he said

That was so much time together. I joked to him that that trip alone made up for all holidays and birthday in the year and I’m good until next year!


« Last Edit: January 23, 2021, 03:08:16 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #147 on: January 23, 2021, 02:54:08 PM »
I’m so tired of this pandemic. So far, I lost 5 people to that and know of  many who caught it. One of my friend caught it way before the lockdown last year, before we even knew what the f was going on. The news were so unreal to me, yet devastating and was hard to believe.

I remember going to her house to look at all the things she left behind. Her bedroom was bare and all her stuff were piled into the living room, most were thrown into the trash and all the valuable things she owned were sold, like expensive artworks and paintings.  We never had a funeral for her. Her eldest son came to town and took care of her body and had her cremated. I don’t think that was what she would of wanted. She told me time and time again, that she wanted to be buried next to her mom and had bought a plot of land at the same cemetery. But bc of COVID, there was no way to do things right and for that, I’m sorry!

I remember the last time I talked to her. I was able to express everything to her, my love and my feelings and how much she meant for me. We spent close to three hours on the phone. She cried a lot but I didn’t know why, just thought it was one of those emotional days she was having. I thought she would come back and we would spend time together and rekindle our friendship, which I admit was a little neglected. I convinced her to go to the hospital and it was there that she contracted COVID.... but she knew she was dying long before she caught the virus How can a friend like her kept something like that from me for so long? Did she not want to scare me or hurt my feelings? I will never know.

My friend was a reclusive after her husband died. She was classy and a very expressive woman. Yeah, she has a bit of a sassy attitude and you would think she was some mean old lady but she kindest person you’ll meet. She lived alone in a very affluence side of town in some big old house with huge double doors. She married an attorney, so they had a very well off life. Once her kids were of age, they all  left home to go live their own life in different part of the state and rarely ever call home. She was always lonely even though she had friends her age that came around to visit but her soul was alway  too big for them.

She lived a very full life though..crazy parties and orgies and drugs and thing like that when she was young. She always had stories to tell me. There were certain things I admire from her... the way she handle situation, like a Italian mafia queen lol whenever I drive out to visit her, our thing was coffee and coconut donuts or coconut cake. She would buy them just for me.  And every time she drives through my town, she’ll pick me up a box of Krispy creme donut or bring me some kind of treat, like almond joy. During holidays, she’ll bring over ham and a turkey and all sort of food bc she didn’t feel like cooking and wanted me to do it myself. I wonder what draws her to me? Will never know. We just became friends over liking coconut donuts and coffee and it grew from there. I hate that I take people in my life for granted...

I just got thinking of her recently and I miss her. I miss life before all this happened. Being around people is just so risky and scary now. I’m even scare to go around my guy lol bc he is not afraid of shit and lives kind of dangerously... so he tends to get himself a COVID test very often just to make sure he safe to be around anybody.

Anyways, mask up and stay distance.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #148 on: January 28, 2021, 01:07:42 PM »
I was trying to rinse my car off this morning and my hot ass nosy neighbor came out and hand signaled for me to take my beats headphone off...

“Your crazy girl... there’s a storm coming and yours outside washing your car! damn, you’re crazy!”

I looked at him from across the street, annoyed.

“Thanks for informing me but you should mind your own business...wel l, feels like it’s near summer to me...just rinsing some dirt off...”

He chuckled and asked what I was going to do this weekend.

“Ughh... going to a social distancing dance party with some friends...we’re going to meet up at some field somewhere and have a dj come and play some music...and you know dance like it’s 1999” I said sarcastically

“damn, you ever home? Your car is always missing. You just be doing shit, not afraid of COVID are you?”

“I just got back....nahh.. ., I don’t go near no one so I have no reason to freak out at the moment... i think we all should just catch the shit and get over it...”

He chuckled.

“Maybe we can do something when all this ends.., what do you think?”

“ haha... sure, but you know it’s never going to end...it’ll be here forever”

“I’m holding you to it”

I smiled and looked away to end our conversation so I canfinish rinsing my car... Bc the damn storm is coming lol


« Last Edit: January 29, 2021, 03:02:25 AM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #149 on: January 28, 2021, 04:24:36 PM »
I said something a little rude and he shut me up.... I wasn’t intentionally making fun of his gal pal but he was making us a drink and I asked him if that gal pal of his was going to call and make sure he wasn’t drinking that day. That bothers me that girls call to make sure he’s not drinking... he said that he went to AA and she was one of those accountability person who calls to make sure your not drinking. Which doesn’t make sense bc he only drink with me and somehow never told me he goes to AA...he’s full of shit sometimes

“Don’t make fun of my friend” he said in a very stern and serious tone of voice.

Wow I felt the burn in that one. Lmao.

“ I wasn’t...” I said. And that was it.

Anyways, He cried around other people but he hide that side from me. I don’t understand why he need to show his tough side to me all the time. He’s vulnerable but that weak little boy side, he make sure I never see it. And only by accident did I see it. That bothers me that he reach out for his gal pals for such things but with me, he acts like this tough piece of ass that can never break!

——-

Later in that night he confronted me...
“You never freaking call me...what’s up with that?”

“I don’t know...I got nothing to say... I don’t like to call, nag, got nothing to complain about or have the need to want to be nosy and chase you all over town”

“Your the ultimate girlfriend...y ou really are”

“What ever you say I said to him”

——
He has this habit of calling me his “old lady” that’s so weird that he refers me to his old lady and not girlfriend. Everywhere we go, that’s all he calls me. Like we’re  some old country bumpkin people. I haven’t told anybody he’s my boyfriend either... I can’t seem to let that word slip out of my mouth....it annoys me that he’s called me his girlfriend just a few times. But we still can’t really say it when we’re introducing each other to other people.
——-

We went out and ended taking an Uber home.... our super hot Russian Uber driver wanted us to hear one of his favorite song... one of the line to the song was “I’m so horny that’s okay my will is good” a song by nirvana and my guy got mad lol No not only that but the Uber driver got distracted from his gps...so we got lost and went around in circle a few times...So he had the driver drop us off 12 blocks away from where we were going and we walked for so long.... the driver was trying to tell him how far we were from our location but he didn’t care. “You can stop here” he demanded... he was ready to pop the door open and jump out so the driver pulled over and let us out.

———

We don’t see each other often. Once we spent enough time together, I need my space from him. I think I just don’t want to ever lose myself in a relationship again. I don’t want complacency or boredom. I don’t want stress in the relationship. I know he’s waiting on me to set real legit boundaries in the relationship but I don’t, bc maybe I don’t know how. But I’m lenient bc I know I don’t ever want to go there again. When he said he wants to meet in the middle, he wants me to give him rules but I’m easy... I’m easy bc if I expect such and such from him, he’ll expect them from me. And I’m not there yet, I don’t want to go there again. So I let him roam like a lost dog, who’s got all these stray hahaes around.

The marriage to my ex husband was enough for me... I feel like I’m still recovering from it..and it’s not fair to expect certain thing from someone when I myself am not willing to compromise or go all the way in something.

I think in some subtle ways, we’re both kind of toxic but it’s not reaching the surface yet lmao I guess that why I want to write these thoughts down so I can get a better understanding of our relationship and whatever issue I have.


« Last Edit: January 28, 2021, 04:27:57 PM by Rebel »

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