The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

[lilly]

Rebel, where have you been?  I miss reading your stuff.  But then I've been busy myself too.  That's nice that he took you to meet his friends.  Nice that he wants his family to meet you and vice versa.  That means he sees a future with you.  But that is weird that he likes to be high around you all the time.  Have you asked him why he drinks around you all the time?  Does it help him relax?  Does Rebel time mean being high time/relaxation time/unwind time to him?  Hmmm?

[lilly]

BTW, yeah, I agree with you.  With some relationships, nothing could ever convince me to go back to them.  Nope.  Ship has sailed.  Have a good life.  Let's all move on.

[Rebel]

What I like is his willingness to share you with his friends and family.  It shows that he's at least be that real unless his friends are all bastards and his crew would bring other women into the picture and what not cuz the american culture, we tend to change hands quite often or we'll just bring them and say that she's or he's just a friend. 

What I don't like is him sharing you guy's stories with strangers...  unless he got that one person, a best friend that he is compelled to share what he found or got with them.  I got an ex that loves me to death.  I dumped her azz cuz well, we were young and she eff around with people that includes my friend as well but yeah, when i ran into her and her new friends again, her friends be coming up to me and say that "so you are that guy"  and I'm like quat da fawk?  she can't have me so now she gotta talk about me as the one that got away from her to her new best friend now?

But people don't just talk about you if they are not invested in you so it is a good thing on your part.  With him inviting you on holidays, that too is a good thing.  It could be anyone else but he chose you unless he's an azzhole like myself where I have slots during the day with different dates.   

I dunno.  Reading your stories, all of these stuff that been happening irks me for some reason.  A controlling freak on his part may sounds like it.  There is no flexibility like what if you don't want to do such and such and you are not comfortable with doing such and such and meet the rents, would he consider your feelings about that? 

Whatever you do, don't end up dead.   

Lol that fools always be rushing me....he say he’s not controlling but is 

[Rebel]

Rebel, where have you been?  I miss reading your stuff.  But then I've been busy myself too.  That's nice that he took you to meet his friends.  Nice that he wants his family to meet you and vice versa.  That means he sees a future with you.  But that is weird that he likes to be high around you all the time.  Have you asked him why he drinks around you all the time?  Does it help him relax?  Does Rebel time mean being high time/relaxation time/unwind time to him?  Hmmm?

I thinks it’s become a habit but i don’t know why he always needs to be intoxicated woth me. I’ve asked him abs he always tell me he doesn’t drink only when we’re hanging out. But his fridge is always full of alcohol lol he stash them for us when we hang out. Anyway I was just busy lately 

[Rebel]

He invited me to his moms funeral.

“I’m sorry you never got to meet her...I regret it. And I know you don’t know her but I’d want you to be there.”

He called me a week after his mother passed and told me what happened. He was broken but acted like he was ok. I knew he wasn’t and can hear it in his voice. 

“I’m only so hurt bc she was still so young” he said.

My heart ached for him.

There was a lot of moment of silence. Because I didn’t know the right words to say to him and  a little shocked.

“Your going to be there, right? All my family will be there... I’d want you to be there” he continue to say to me.

I never answered him but he knew I would. I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind.
—————

Sometimes I look at him and my heart swells. I honestly don’t know how things will go down between us. The feeling I have of him is a feeling I have when I was in my childhood... like the sun always shinning, the air feels right and I feel so nostalgic... childhood nostalgia... have you ever thought of your childhood memories and felt all warm inside? Even in another 50 years, I’d think back to some of these moments with him, and I’d still feel the same way.....

[Rebel]

I have outgrown a lot of my friends. Many of them still keep in touch with me, and I still reach out sometimes but I find it sad that we no longer have things in common anymore. Even on social media, I feel like we no longer connect on a level that needs to be and it’s apparent how our personalities are so different, especially with the things we share and what we do with our lives. Hanging out just doesn’t feel “fun” anymore but more like a task.

Before the pandemic, going to the club or bar, socially feels exhausting. It’s fun sometimes but not always. I hate to admit it but I always feel unstimulated somehow.... like suddenly things just changed between us and I’ve surpassed certain stages in my life and ready to move on to something else, something bigger, something  more challenging. I want some kind of human interaction/connection but I can’t seem to find it anywhere....li ke where the duck is my tribe of people?

I live in a small town with a minimal amount of Hmong people and I always feel this need to connect with them but even they know I’m different in a way that I couldn’t fit in even if I tried. I’m not Hmong enough and not white enough...but the same time, I am very Hmong and also a very prideful American. When I was single I tried to hang out with them but it always felt weird bc 99 percent of them were married. Then I got married and thought it would be better to hang out with them now that I was married too but it still feels weird and out of place.

My goal this year is to find people I can connect with. Pick up new hobbies and focus on myself.

I am working on my vision board for 2021

[Rebel]

At a gathering i overheard him say that he went to Chicago... when the F did that happened and how come I didn’t know about it? I was pissed. But kept to myself. Later that night he showed me pictures of his trip and told me about it.

“After what I was going through with my mom,I had to get away... I didn’t want to talk to anyone” he said to me

On the phone he was very emotional when he talked with his friends about his mom. But with me he acted tough.

“I haven’t got a moment to be sad... it’s such a weakness and I won’t show you it” he said.

“I don’t think that’s normal to not show your feelings...it’s ok” I said to him

——-

I went through an old album sitting on the coffee table. While flipping through it, he came over and handed me some pictures of him and his first love.

“She called me and we talked for several hours when she heard my mom died... we made peace after X years of our break up!”

“Why don’t you work things out with her?”

“She’s married and she’s happy...”

When he handed me pictures of him and his first love, he acted surprised like he had just stumbled upon it..  “oh wow look what I found!” He said while standing over my shoulder and handing it to me.
I looked at them and slide them inside the album along with the other pictures. “She’s gorgeous” I said to him.
I feel like he wanted to see if I would flip out. I didn’t find it in me to get mad about it. There was no reason to. She was a big part of his past and his first love and he deserved to have them.

The next morning I gave him an ultimatum...

“You can go out and date other people and do what you want.... I can’t do this... since I’m sober so now and I can say these thing to you....”

He tried to avoid me
“I don’t think we should end this... we’re having so much fun” he sounded nervous

“ I know but I can’t do this any more... I’ve let you do what you want all these times and YOU’RE TAKING OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED!” I was beginning to lose my cool

“I understand...r emember, we’re still legally married... and I’m finalizing my divorce this year....let’s meet in the middle” he tried to stay calm.

“The middle? Your crazy.... we have not been meeting in the middle... YOU LEFT TO CHICAGO AND DIDNT TELL ME, duck YOU ASHOLE”

“Fine, i can’t stop you and change your mind or make you think otherwise... if that’s what you want” he started to get angry

It start to annoy me.

“I can’t...” I said

“I understand what your feeling....” he kept repeating and trying to calm the situation

“You don’t...

“Let’s meet in the middle...I still want us to be together...don’t wanna lose you”

I thought for some time. My mind went blink. But my heart wanted to say so much shit to him. I didn’t want to come across like a passive aggressive ****... which I was beginning to sound like

“Fine, I gotta see you more than this... I want to stay sober and I want to get out of the house when we hang out”

“Fine, I’ll make plans and we’ll stay sober and we’ll hang out more than we have...I’ll plan more trips and outings.... I’ll surprise you, how about that?” He smiled looking at me.

The whole time we had this conversation he darted all over the house.... I had to raise my voice to speak to him.

He looked me dead in the eye and stopped getting dress.... “No, I really think this should be our last time seeing each other!” I calmly said as he stood shirtless, still  in his underwear...lo oking like a Greek god who had just fallen from the heavens...

He was searching for something to say to me and he was unsure of the things to say to me bc I was truly serious about ending things and ready to walk. In the end we both agreed to seeing more of each other...

But foolish as it sound, he is my weakness. And every time i walked away, he’d called me again and the process starts over... the reason our relationship is like this is also due to my own self from the beginning... I have intense fear of commitment and whatever I had, he caught it. So we’re swinging in a state of limbo. We want it, but at the same time it feels like we both can’t handle the seriousness of the relationship, so we dip back in and restart the attraction process over and over. It’s not all his fault. For all I know he always remind me that we are exclusively together. We both can’t fully commit even when we both want to... sometimes it’s just the timing of everything that’s going on with our own life at the moment.

[Rebel]

Why do we get this intense thrill when we know we are sinning, being a little naughty, doing something we know is wrong , breaking rules and things like that. People suppress this part to them, I call it the dark side of ourselves. We like to remain pure and live our life confined to what people around us expect us to be. I was raised a Christian abs I see how most of my family members are, they are so polite, loving, the kind of people that would give you the shirt off their backs, would never say a cuss word and probably never even watched porn or will beat themselves up for thinking dirty thoughts. Of course people might find satisfaction in that for others...but I’m saying the other stuffs.. Of course, I always want to remained conformed and legit around my family... But I find that sometimes  it’s ok to not have to restrict your self of such pleasure in life. Anyways, want to write more but my stomach is growling and I just realized I haven’t had lunch yet and it’s distracting me from my thoughts lmao

[Rebel]

He slowly revealed himself to me over the year so it didn’t come all at once. My perception of who I thought he was at the beginning, had changed. He changed and so have I. It’s funny to look back and see how different we both were at the beginning. Even now, I still haven’t surrender to him... yeah we’ve expressed our feelings and spend intimate time together but hell no will I fully surrender myself to him. And I think whatever it is, it’s toxic. I’m toxic. I still look at him with unsureness, even though I admit he is the total package.... Ill give in sometimes, but I really don’t want to be tied down to it. I want the commitment and the relationship but I don’t want that extra weight of responsibility that comes along with it. I’m not going to go over and cook or clean, and I subtly made that known to him...i won’t give him that kind of benefit that I still feel he hasn’t earned. I don’t know what is wrong with me...This is the exact pattern I notice about myself in almost all relationship I’ve been in. But I never stopped to wonder why, now I am. It’s some weird attachment style I have, I was told.  But Trust me, I’ve taken those test online and they always come out that I have a secure attachment style...lol

I don’t want to commit, for I have this huge fear that I will suffocate, wither away and perish. And I’m trying to understand this part of me, bc some day I’d like to fall deeply in love and not be afraid but be able to give freely and be in a healthy and beautiful kind of relationship with my best friend! So for the mean time, I’m working on myself and my personal growth... I want to be prepared so that the next real relationship I get in,  will be the best and the last one for me.

[Rebel]

 I should be calling my siblings and checking up on them for the new year and stuff but I’m selfish, I’m neglectful, and full of myself. Gosh how I hate myself sometimes, I  stuff my self with sweets when I self loath... thank god ever since my ex husband left, I rarely cook. I purposely gave myself permission to be lazy, to only cook when I have to... to only eat so I won’t die... or make a meal only when my stomach is calling me to be fed...Shit if I cooked every day  I’d gained weight bc I’d probably eat for no good reason, just to eat bc it’s dinner hour.

Today is windy as hell out door. The sky is clear and I’m trying to make up my mind as to who to call first but my mind is telling me no... call them tomorrow

[Rebel]

Part 1
He’s clean shaven most of the time, his brown hair is combed to the side, and he has a gorgeous smile. He always remind me of those stunning old American boys from the 50s, proper but has a hint of bad to them. It’s hard to resist him. And I know most girls throw themself at him.

Most times it’s when we’re driving in the car,  girls will call him, and try to get flirty with him on the phone. Some ask him out in a friendly way,  like meeting up for coffee dates, some are female clients of his, they’ll call to get his attention. Some will try to stay on the phone with him for as long as they could. One lady called a  few day ago to chat with him, after a long ass annoying conversation and us missing our exit to dinner three times, she asked if he wanted him to take his kid out to the park with her kids and go grab lunch afterward lol that one pissed me off so bad. He never hide these calls from me and speak openly with me around. He’s still nice to them.  Hell declined politely by saying, “ I got stuff to do this weekend, sorry. Maybe some other time”

He’s  very sociable so, people like to talk to him but then these friendly conversation spills over to them wanting a date... and you know how horny people have been since the pandemic, will I’ll write my stories on that later lmao but I think sometimes he purposely pick up their calls to see if I’ll freak out...to get me jealous. Sometimes I find it rude but then again he’s a straight people pleaser, and admits to it! But he knows where to draw the line. Our longest phone conversation we ever had was maybe 45 minutes when we started dating but the  majority of the time it’s two minute tops! we get in and out...our text are to the point and I can be very short with him...it’s only to set up dates so when these people call to talk forever, it bothers me in a way that I want to snap! Bc they are taking his time away from me... lol

I always act like I don’t care but inside, I’m low key bothered by it...I feel  my self esteem chipping away... and who wouldn’t be pissed about it anyways?  Well I am, n you know why I’m pissed?  I’m pissed bc I never signed up to play jumangi and suddenly I’m in this mf game with all these other mf player/competitors...I keep saying “jumangi” to end the mf game but he keeps dragging me along to play... that’s why I’m pissed. Yes I know I can walk away and have the power in that but he grabs on to me in a way that makes it so hard...He’s good with words bc that’s what he do for a living and will get me in a way that I can never say no to him. And I hate that he has that kind of control over me.


I always tell myself that if a man ever stray from me and leave, he just isn’t my guy and I’d gladly let him go. The reason why I haven’t completely let go is bc we don’t have big issues to completely break up over...if I ever call him, he usually pick up on the first ring. If he can’t answer, he gives me a legit reason later. He usually text me right away, every time I ever text him, he always makes plans to see me even if I’m just checking in on him...he’s accommodating and respects my time and very gentlemanly about everything, and polite but won’t let me step on him the wrong way...and if I ever do, he lets me know it.

To be continued...

[Rebel]

Part 2
With that said, I’m sure he gets pussy when I’m not around. I don’t care how secure you are in a relationship, things like that comes up every now and then.....But you can’t accuse someone when you got no proof either... So,I’ve made it cleared that if I ever catch him doing anything shady, I’m done for good. He’ll tell me that he’s so busy he’s got no time to screw around, and tell me I can come by to check if I want.  He did all that messing around when he was younger...

Sometimes my insecurities comes out, so I always try to break up with him bc deep down I really think that he’s up to no good sometimes. And I’ll want to end things with him, sometimes we’ll have these mini fights... I’m in tears quietly screaming across the porch. He’s trying to calm me down and will come butter me up... Well come back in and have hot steamy make up X...

“I’m sorry you're mad at me” he’ll whisper in my ear as he makes love to me.

“I didn’t mean it” I’ll say to him.

And once again, I’ll believe him. No doubt he does shit on purpose to make me jealous all the time...or is he testing me? When alcohol gets involved, our bickering intensified... a lot of times he listens to me vent and then ask if I’m done. And he’ll laugh about it. But  he like to make things better, so we make it up in the bedroom...

I’ll leave for a long period of time though...and I don’t want to be bothered... I can’t be tied down, no matter what...maybe it’s just a period I’m going through and will change later when my brain has matured enough.

But I love it that he’s mentally strong and hard to break and always talk to me in a calm manner. I, on the other hand seem to lose my cool a lot more...Our bickering never last long, I’ll give into submission and eventually get over it and he knows that.

Sometimes I question what his intentions are bc he can get any girl he wants... He’ll wrap me up into his world and brings me around important people in his life. Over a year now and he still consistently plans our dates and always is enthusiastic to see me. Our dates have always been positive and fun. Sex is awesome, conversations are amazing, doing bad things together and feeling young like, teenagers is exciting! Then he’ll say it, the L word as he looks me in the eyes. I would blush and give him a kiss. He’ll open up to me about some of his deepest secrets... and I’ll tell him mine.

I’ve dated all sorts of men in my life...but he’s different from the rest.....  once you hit a certain kind of level in dating, you can’t go back to something mediocre anymore. The next guy, the next girl, the next relationship will have to be a level above....

*I’m just saying, bc I tried  to low key keep my options open and see that it was just a little bit harder now for someone to get my attention hahahaha

[Rebel]

People come to my house, and for ever long its been, they are always at a loss for word when they know that I actually cook my own food. 
“Wow, we thought you only know how to eat at McDonald” most will say.

But more than anything they are amaze that  I have a home library filled over 800 books. I’m not even exaggerating and I probably have more... but the truth is, I’ve only read through maybe 10-15 percent of my books. The rest are for show lol
Every year I go through them and take out some I don’t want and put them out on the curb for free. I wish I can install a little free library out side so people can come and take books that I no longer want. So Maybe some day I’ll build one...
Every  year, someone will give me a couple books here and there and I will collect them that way or I will go to second hand bookstores and buy them for a nickel... Nobody around here ever reads so books are cheap as hell. If I ever find a good title I always walk away like I had just found ducken gold!!! If I really want a very good book, I’ll go buy it brand new...

There are some books I’ll finish in one day, if it’s short and really good and if time allows....Some book Ill keep restarting until I finally quit. And some I can never get myself into no matter who say how good it was. Books like Jane  Austen and most classic books bore me to tears. Or maybe because  although I love reading in my spare times, I don’t have the patience to read  those more difficult books. But I love classic science fiction book...it intrigues me to see how these writers think back in those days and they trip me out lol

A book I love and always want to read was the the “hobbit” and the rest of the LOTR but that’s one of those series of books I keep restarting and it’s starting to annoy me, so I have to give up on it and stick to the movie.

Anyhow at the end of last year, I bought a  book cart and had filled them up with books I wanted to read for this year. My goal is to read 15 books lmao impossible for me but hey its a challenge and challenges are supposed to be hard... and fun. So I hope I can beat my goal at the end of the year hahahaha

Last night I finished my first book of this year in one sitting, it was short but also very good.
14 more to go...

[Rebel]

Being with you feels like being high on something  he said to me one day

Like what? We should try it, whatever it is and see for ourself I said

I’m dying to just let him lead me astray


I always want a man to lead me in life, sometimes even if it’s for the worst.


Why can’t we ever stay sober  I said to him

We were, but now we’re not he said.

We laughed.

And that was the end of it.

Drunken in love

Just a made up story