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Author Topic: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman  (Read 8428 times)

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Offline lilly

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #135 on: January 02, 2021, 12:11:02 PM »
Rebel, where have you been?  I miss reading your stuff.  But then I've been busy myself too.  That's nice that he took you to meet his friends.  Nice that he wants his family to meet you and vice versa.  That means he sees a future with you.  But that is weird that he likes to be high around you all the time.  Have you asked him why he drinks around you all the time?  Does it help him relax?  Does Rebel time mean being high time/relaxation time/unwind time to him?  Hmmm?



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Offline lilly

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #136 on: January 02, 2021, 12:12:45 PM »
BTW, yeah, I agree with you.  With some relationships, nothing could ever convince me to go back to them.  Nope.  Ship has sailed.  Have a good life.  Let's all move on.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #137 on: January 03, 2021, 03:00:59 PM »
What I like is his willingness to share you with his friends and family.  It shows that he's at least be that real unless his friends are all bastards and his crew would bring other women into the picture and what not cuz the american culture, we tend to change hands quite often or we'll just bring them and say that she's or he's just a friend. 

What I don't like is him sharing you guy's stories with strangers...  unless he got that one person, a best friend that he is compelled to share what he found or got with them.  I got an ex that loves me to death.  I dumped her azz cuz well, we were young and she eff around with people that includes my friend as well but yeah, when i ran into her and her new friends again, her friends be coming up to me and say that "so you are that guy"  and I'm like quat da fawk?  she can't have me so now she gotta talk about me as the one that got away from her to her new best friend now?

But people don't just talk about you if they are not invested in you so it is a good thing on your part.  With him inviting you on holidays, that too is a good thing.  It could be anyone else but he chose you unless he's an azzhole like myself where I have slots during the day with different dates.   :2funny:

I dunno.  Reading your stories, all of these stuff that been happening irks me for some reason.  A controlling freak on his part may sounds like it.  There is no flexibility like what if you don't want to do such and such and you are not comfortable with doing such and such and meet the rents, would he consider your feelings about that? 

Whatever you do, don't end up dead.   :2funny:

Lol that fools always be rushing me....he say heís not controlling but is  ::)



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #138 on: January 03, 2021, 03:07:03 PM »
Rebel, where have you been?  I miss reading your stuff.  But then I've been busy myself too.  That's nice that he took you to meet his friends.  Nice that he wants his family to meet you and vice versa.  That means he sees a future with you.  But that is weird that he likes to be high around you all the time.  Have you asked him why he drinks around you all the time?  Does it help him relax?  Does Rebel time mean being high time/relaxation time/unwind time to him?  Hmmm?

I thinks itís become a habit but i donít know why he always needs to be intoxicated woth me. Iíve asked him abs he always tell me he doesnít drink only when weíre hanging out. But his fridge is always full of alcohol lol he stash them for us when we hang out. Anyway I was just busy lately  :)



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #139 on: January 03, 2021, 03:27:52 PM »
He invited me to his moms funeral.

ďIím sorry you never got to meet her...I regret it. And I know you donít know her but Iíd want you to be there.Ē

He called me a week after his mother passed and told me what happened. He was broken but acted like he was ok. I knew he wasnít and can hear it in his voice. 

ďIím only so hurt bc she was still so youngĒ he said.

My heart ached for him.

There was a lot of moment of silence. Because I didnít know the right words to say to him and  a little shocked.

ďYour going to be there, right? All my family will be there... Iíd want you to be thereĒ he continue to say to me.

I never answered him but he knew I would. I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind.
óóóóó

Sometimes I look at him and my heart swells. I honestly donít know how things will go down between us. The feeling I have of him is a feeling I have when I was in my childhood... like the sun always shinning, the air feels right and I feel so nostalgic... childhood nostalgia... have you ever thought of your childhood memories and felt all warm inside? Even in another 50 years, Iíd think back to some of these moments with him, and Iíd still feel the same way.....


« Last Edit: January 03, 2021, 03:36:34 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #140 on: January 06, 2021, 02:20:09 PM »
I have outgrown a lot of my friends. Many of them still keep in touch with me, and I still reach out sometimes but I find it sad that we no longer have things in common anymore. Even on social media, I feel like we no longer connect on a level that needs to be and itís apparent how our personalities are so different, especially with the things we share and what we do with our lives. Hanging out just doesnít feel ďfunĒ anymore but more like a task.

Before the pandemic, going to the club or bar, socially feels exhausting. Itís fun sometimes but not always. I hate to admit it but I always feel unstimulated somehow.... like suddenly things just changed between us and Iíve surpassed certain stages in my life and ready to move on to something else, something bigger, something  more challenging. I want some kind of human interaction/connection but I canít seem to find it anywhere....li ke where the duck is my tribe of people?

I live in a small town with a minimal amount of Hmong people and I always feel this need to connect with them but even they know Iím different in a way that I couldnít fit in even if I tried. Iím not Hmong enough and not white enough...but the same time, I am very Hmong and also a very prideful American. When I was single I tried to hang out with them but it always felt weird bc 99 percent of them were married. Then I got married and thought it would be better to hang out with them now that I was married too but it still feels weird and out of place.

My goal this year is to find people I can connect with. Pick up new hobbies and focus on myself.

I am working on my vision board for 2021


« Last Edit: January 10, 2021, 05:37:31 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #141 on: January 10, 2021, 05:29:18 PM »
At a gathering i overheard him say that he went to Chicago... when the F did that happened and how come I didnít know about it? I was pissed. But kept to myself. Later that night he showed me pictures of his trip and told me about it.

ďAfter what I was going through with my mom,I had to get away... I didnít want to talk to anyoneĒ he said to me

On the phone he was very emotional when he talked with his friends about his mom. But with me he acted tough.

ďI havenít got a moment to be sad... itís such a weakness and I wonít show you itĒ he said.

ďI donít think thatís normal to not show your feelings...itís okĒ I said to him

óó-

I went through an old album sitting on the coffee table. While flipping through it, he came over and handed me some pictures of him and his first love.

ďShe called me and we talked for several hours when she heard my mom died... we made peace after X years of our break up!Ē

ďWhy donít you work things out with her?Ē

ďSheís married and sheís happy...Ē

When he handed me pictures of him and his first love, he acted surprised like he had just stumbled upon it..  ďoh wow look what I found!Ē He said while standing over my shoulder and handing it to me.
I looked at them and slide them inside the album along with the other pictures. ďSheís gorgeousĒ I said to him.
I feel like he wanted to see if I would flip out. I didnít find it in me to get mad about it. There was no reason to. She was a big part of his past and his first love and he deserved to have them.

The next morning I gave him an ultimatum...

ďYou can go out and date other people and do what you want.... I canít do this... since Iím sober so now and I can say these thing to you....Ē

He tried to avoid me
ďI donít think we should end this... weíre having so much funĒ he sounded nervous

ď I know but I canít do this any more... Iíve let you do what you want all these times and YOUíRE TAKING OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED!Ē I was beginning to lose my cool

ďI understand...r emember, weíre still legally married... and Iím finalizing my divorce this year....letís meet in the middleĒ he tried to stay calm.

ďThe middle? Your crazy.... we have not been meeting in the middle... YOU LEFT TO CHICAGO AND DIDNT TELL ME, duck YOU ASHOLEĒ

ďFine, i canít stop you and change your mind or make you think otherwise... if thatís what you wantĒ he started to get angry

It start to annoy me.

ďI canít...Ē I said

ďI understand what your feeling....Ē he kept repeating and trying to calm the situation

ďYou donít...

ďLetís meet in the middle...I still want us to be together...donít wanna lose youĒ

I thought for some time. My mind went blink. But my heart wanted to say so much shit to him. I didnít want to come across like a passive aggressive ****... which I was beginning to sound like

ďFine, I gotta see you more than this... I want to stay sober and I want to get out of the house when we hang outĒ

ďFine, Iíll make plans and weíll stay sober and weíll hang out more than we have...Iíll plan more trips and outings.... Iíll surprise you, how about that?Ē He smiled looking at me.

The whole time we had this conversation he darted all over the house.... I had to raise my voice to speak to him.

He looked me dead in the eye and stopped getting dress.... ďNo, I really think this should be our last time seeing each other!Ē I calmly said as he stood shirtless, still  in his underwear...lo oking like a Greek god who had just fallen from the heavens...

He was searching for something to say to me and he was unsure of the things to say to me bc I was truly serious about ending things and ready to walk. In the end we both agreed to seeing more of each other...

But foolish as it sound, he is my weakness. And every time i walked away, heíd called me again and the process starts over... the reason our relationship is like this is also due to my own self from the beginning... I have intense fear of commitment and whatever I had, he caught it. So weíre swinging in a state of limbo. We want it, but at the same time it feels like we both canít handle the seriousness of the relationship, so we dip back in and restart the attraction process over and over. Itís not all his fault. For all I know he always remind me that we are exclusively together. We both canít fully commit even when we both want to... sometimes itís just the timing of everything thatís going on with our own life at the moment.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #142 on: January 10, 2021, 06:04:25 PM »
Why do we get this intense thrill when we know we are sinning, being a little naughty, doing something we know is wrong , breaking rules and things like that. People suppress this part to them, I call it the dark side of ourselves. We like to remain pure and live our life confined to what people around us expect us to be. I was raised a Christian abs I see how most of my family members are, they are so polite, loving, the kind of people that would give you the shirt off their backs, would never say a cuss word and probably never even watched porn or will beat themselves up for thinking dirty thoughts. Of course people might find satisfaction in that for others...but Iím saying the other stuffs.. Of course, I always want to remained conformed and legit around my family... But I find that sometimes  itís ok to not have to restrict your self of such pleasure in life. Anyways, want to write more but my stomach is growling and I just realized I havenít had lunch yet and itís distracting me from my thoughts lmao



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #143 on: January 11, 2021, 12:05:33 PM »
He slowly revealed himself to me over the year so it didnít come all at once. My perception of who I thought he was at the beginning, had changed. He changed and so have I. Itís funny to look back and see how different we both were at the beginning. Even now, I still havenít surrender to him... yeah weíve expressed our feelings and spend intimate time together but hell no will I fully surrender myself to him. And I think whatever it is, itís toxic. Iím toxic. I still look at him with unsureness, even though I admit he is the total package.... Ill give in sometimes, but I really donít want to be tied down to it. I want the commitment and the relationship but I donít want that extra weight of responsibility that comes along with it. Iím not going to go over and cook or clean, and I subtly made that known to him...i wonít give him that kind of benefit that I still feel he hasnít earned. I donít know what is wrong with me...This is the exact pattern I notice about myself in almost all relationship Iíve been in. But I never stopped to wonder why, now I am. Itís some weird attachment style I have, I was told.  But Trust me, Iíve taken those test online and they always come out that I have a secure attachment style...lol

I donít want to commit, for I have this huge fear that I will suffocate, wither away and perish. And Iím trying to understand this part of me, bc some day Iíd like to fall deeply in love and not be afraid but be able to give freely and be in a healthy and beautiful kind of relationship with my best friend! So for the mean time, Iím working on myself and my personal growth... I want to be prepared so that the next real relationship I get in,  will be the best and the last one for me.



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #144 on: January 11, 2021, 12:22:34 PM »
 I should be calling my siblings and checking up on them for the new year and stuff but Iím selfish, Iím neglectful, and full of myself. Gosh how I hate myself sometimes, I  stuff my self with sweets when I self loath... thank god ever since my ex husband left, I rarely cook. I purposely gave myself permission to be lazy, to only cook when I have to... to only eat so I wonít die... or make a meal only when my stomach is calling me to be fed...Shit if I cooked every day  Iíd gained weight bc Iíd probably eat for no good reason, just to eat bc itís dinner hour.

Today is windy as hell out door. The sky is clear and Iím trying to make up my mind as to who to call first but my mind is telling me no... call them tomorrow



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #145 on: January 12, 2021, 03:45:21 PM »
Part 1
Heís clean shaven most of the time, his brown hair is combed to the side, and he has a gorgeous smile. He always remind me of those stunning old American boys from the 50s, proper but has a hint of bad to them. Itís hard to resist him. And I know most girls throw themself at him.

Most times itís when weíre driving in the car,  girls will call him, and try to get flirty with him on the phone. Some ask him out in a friendly way,  like meeting up for coffee dates, some are female clients of his, theyíll call to get his attention. Some will try to stay on the phone with him for as long as they could. One lady called a  few day ago to chat with him, after a long ass annoying conversation and us missing our exit to dinner three times, she asked if he wanted him to take his kid out to the park with her kids and go grab lunch afterward lol that one pissed me off so bad. He never hide these calls from me and speak openly with me around. Heís still nice to them.  Hell declined politely by saying, ď I got stuff to do this weekend, sorry. Maybe some other timeĒ

Heís  very sociable so, people like to talk to him but then these friendly conversation spills over to them wanting a date... and you know how horny people have been since the pandemic, will Iíll write my stories on that later lmao but I think sometimes he purposely pick up their calls to see if Iíll freak out...to get me jealous. Sometimes I find it rude but then again heís a straight people pleaser, and admits to it! But he knows where to draw the line. Our longest phone conversation we ever had was maybe 45 minutes when we started dating but the  majority of the time itís two minute tops! we get in and out...our text are to the point and I can be very short with him...itís only to set up dates so when these people call to talk forever, it bothers me in a way that I want to snap! Bc they are taking his time away from me... lol

I always act like I donít care but inside, Iím low key bothered by it...I feel  my self esteem chipping away... and who wouldnít be pissed about it anyways?  Well I am, n you know why Iím pissed?  Iím pissed bc I never signed up to play jumangi and suddenly Iím in this mf game with all these other mf player/competitors...I keep saying ďjumangiĒ to end the mf game but he keeps dragging me along to play... thatís why Iím pissed. Yes I know I can walk away and have the power in that but he grabs on to me in a way that makes it so hard...Heís good with words bc thatís what he do for a living and will get me in a way that I can never say no to him. And I hate that he has that kind of control over me.


I always tell myself that if a man ever stray from me and leave, he just isnít my guy and Iíd gladly let him go. The reason why I havenít completely let go is bc we donít have big issues to completely break up over...if I ever call him, he usually pick up on the first ring. If he canít answer, he gives me a legit reason later. He usually text me right away, every time I ever text him, he always makes plans to see me even if Iím just checking in on him...heís accommodating and respects my time and very gentlemanly about everything, and polite but wonít let me step on him the wrong way...and if I ever do, he lets me know it.

To be continued...



« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 02:13:51 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #146 on: January 12, 2021, 04:14:02 PM »
Part 2
With that said, Iím sure he gets pussy when Iím not around. I donít care how secure you are in a relationship, things like that comes up every now and then.....But you canít accuse someone when you got no proof either... So,Iíve made it cleared that if I ever catch him doing anything shady, Iím done for good. Heíll tell me that heís so busy heís got no time to screw around, and tell me I can come by to check if I want.  He did all that messing around when he was younger...

Sometimes my insecurities comes out, so I always try to break up with him bc deep down I really think that heís up to no good sometimes. And Iíll want to end things with him, sometimes weíll have these mini fights... Iím in tears quietly screaming across the porch. Heís trying to calm me down and will come butter me up... Well come back in and have hot steamy make up X...

ďIím sorry you're mad at meĒ heíll whisper in my ear as he makes love to me.

ďI didnít mean itĒ Iíll say to him.

And once again, Iíll believe him. No doubt he does shit on purpose to make me jealous all the time...or is he testing me? When alcohol gets involved, our bickering intensified... a lot of times he listens to me vent and then ask if Iím done. And heíll laugh about it. But  he like to make things better, so we make it up in the bedroom...

Iíll leave for a long period of time though...and I donít want to be bothered... I canít be tied down, no matter what...maybe itís just a period Iím going through and will change later when my brain has matured enough.

But I love it that heís mentally strong and hard to break and always talk to me in a calm manner. I, on the other hand seem to lose my cool a lot more...Our bickering never last long, Iíll give into submission and eventually get over it and he knows that.

Sometimes I question what his intentions are bc he can get any girl he wants... Heíll wrap me up into his world and brings me around important people in his life. Over a year now and he still consistently plans our dates and always is enthusiastic to see me. Our dates have always been positive and fun. Sex is awesome, conversations are amazing, doing bad things together and feeling young like, teenagers is exciting! Then heíll say it, the L word as he looks me in the eyes. I would blush and give him a kiss. Heíll open up to me about some of his deepest secrets... and Iíll tell him mine.

Iíve dated all sorts of men in my life...but heís different from the rest.....  once you hit a certain kind of level in dating, you canít go back to something mediocre anymore. The next guy, the next girl, the next relationship will have to be a level above....

*Iím just saying, bc I tried  to low key keep my options open and see that it was just a little bit harder now for someone to get my attention hahahaha


« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 05:09:21 PM by Rebel »

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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #147 on: January 15, 2021, 11:38:33 PM »
People come to my house, and for ever long its been, they are always at a loss for word when they know that I actually cook my own food. 
ďWow, we thought you only know how to eat at McDonaldĒ most will say.

But more than anything they are amaze that  I have a home library filled over 800 books. Iím not even exaggerating and I probably have more... but the truth is, Iíve only read through maybe 10-15 percent of my books. The rest are for show lol
Every year I go through them and take out some I donít want and put them out on the curb for free. I wish I can install a little free library out side so people can come and take books that I no longer want. So Maybe some day Iíll build one...
Every  year, someone will give me a couple books here and there and I will collect them that way or I will go to second hand bookstores and buy them for a nickel... Nobody around here ever reads so books are cheap as hell. If I ever find a good title I always walk away like I had just found ducken gold!!! If I really want a very good book, Iíll go buy it brand new...

There are some books Iíll finish in one day, if itís short and really good and if time allows....Some book Ill keep restarting until I finally quit. And some I can never get myself into no matter who say how good it was. Books like Jane  Austen and most classic books bore me to tears. Or maybe because  although I love reading in my spare times, I donít have the patience to read  those more difficult books. But I love classic science fiction book...it intrigues me to see how these writers think back in those days and they trip me out lol

A book I love and always want to read was the the ďhobbitĒ and the rest of the LOTR but thatís one of those series of books I keep restarting and itís starting to annoy me, so I have to give up on it and stick to the movie.

Anyhow at the end of last year, I bought a  book cart and had filled them up with books I wanted to read for this year. My goal is to read 15 books lmao impossible for me but hey its a challenge and challenges are supposed to be hard... and fun. So I hope I can beat my goal at the end of the year hahahaha

Last night I finished my first book of this year in one sitting, it was short but also very good.
14 more to go...



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Offline Rebel

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Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman
« Reply #148 on: January 16, 2021, 02:00:00 AM »
Being with you feels like being high on something  he said to me one day

Like what? We should try it, whatever it is and see for ourself I said

Iím dying to just let him lead me astray


I always want a man to lead me in life, sometimes even if itís for the worst.


Why canít we ever stay sober  I said to him

We were, but now weíre not he said.

We laughed.

And that was the end of it.

Drunken in love

Just a made up story


« Last Edit: January 16, 2021, 02:49:17 AM by Rebel »

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