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Author Topic: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child  (Read 11872 times)

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Offline theking

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Ran into an old friend and we started talking and catching up a bit. I asked him, what did he do after college and he told me that he ended up taking care of his aging parents full-time instead of pursuing what he earned his degree in. The reason is, his older siblings designated him as the care provider of their aging parents because that's how "the Hmong family structure works"...

He's in his 30's, never married and has no dependent since his aging and in bad health parents rely on him so much and take up pretty all his time. His only source of income is through in home supported services as a care provider for his parents.

He has several brothers and sisters but they are too busy making money and focusing  on their own families to help out. His siblings hardly ever visit his parents or call them on the phone to check up on them because they depend on him to do those things as the care provider. My friend has accepted his role but he does have an issue when it comes to helping out financially for family events.

He has a hard time understanding why his siblings still ask him for equal contribution when they throw an event or family function for their parents. Keep in mind that in home supported services doesn't pay that much so he also has the least amount financial resources to chip in.

I told him that since he takes care of his parents pretty much all the time i.e., doctor's appointment, cooking, cleaning, watching them 24/7, etc., it's only fair that his siblings take care of all the other things like paying for  those celebrating and honoring parents type of events. In fact, that should be the least that they do since they are free from providing for their parents and make much more money than him.

Therefore, how many of you are in his position? And are you required to equally pitch in financially when it comes to family functions like celebrating/honoring parents event?

Just curious??  ???



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Offline w1s3m0n

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2019, 12:00:46 AM »
Excellent post.  Thank you for bringing this topic up.  I agree with you.   O0 O0



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Offline Gucci K

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2019, 10:50:49 AM »
hmong traditional families will require the youngest son to take care of the parents. there shouldn't be an objection unless, he is unable for some reason such as a disability and/or other obligations that would prevent him from doing so.  Neglecting the role would prove him to be an unworthy person.  with him not having a wife yet, no child support of any kind and lack of outside costs, he should not be hindered by the obligations.  his contribution should be to what he can provide, it may or may nor be equals as the other siblings but some contributions would be required.  it is not like he watched his parents for free...he is getting reimbursed for the services, it is still considered as a job. 

if it was me, i would be the one to make the most contributions and everyone else pitch in as necessary.



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wb Zaj Dab Neeg xaus lawm...

Offline Mr_Mechanic

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2019, 11:17:46 AM »
No problem.  I welcome my Mom openly, anytime she is ready to come stay with us. 



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Offline YAX

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2019, 11:54:33 AM »
you did say he wasn't married, think about what that means in Hmong culture.



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flint-rod

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2019, 01:21:37 PM »
like your friend i'm the tou-ger aka tub ntxawg which means that my mom lives with me... financially, i also make the least of my siblings that's just a simple fact...

yrs ago my mom had heart surgery... i threw her a feast aka khi-tes and i wasn't expecting anything financially from my siblings... obviously the feast was at my house... my older brother ended up splitting the cost with me... i also had a couple of sisters who financially gave me what they could... in the end, and moving forward... if it's my idea, i have no issues in terms of finance... if it's my siblings idea the same holds true...

to split the cost... that's just something my family has never done or will ever do...

my mother in law recently had a stroke... i told my wife that i would like to khi-tes and kill a pig for her... and financially we would cover the cost... turns out that her sisters would like to pitch in too... so be it...

the thing with me is that if i plan on doing anything for the elders i don't rely on anyone financially... if siblings or folks ask for financial assistant... i'll help with what i can but i'm not going to split the cost evenly based on their ideas...


« Last Edit: February 28, 2019, 02:57:06 PM by flint-rod »

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Offline DuMa

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2019, 02:11:53 PM »
I'm  in America so I play by my own rules. 

Either each kids pay daddy $1,000 a month so others can take care of them or we do a trade off.  Parents take care of my kids full time and live with us.  It's a Chinese thing. 

Or, if the parents are loaded, the ones who takes care of them gets 70% of that will.  Now let's see who still have that azn respect for their rents. 

Usually the smartest and richest of the kids will step up to babysit their parents. 

Parents shouldn't hold their kids back unless they make it in the world to such that they have the foundation to take care of their elders. 



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Offline theking

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2019, 05:12:02 PM »
Here's the really sad part of our conversation. My friend told me that his parent would silently cry because their other children don't visit much less make a phone call to check on them. All my friend could do is let his parents know that he already let his older siblings know about the crying and missing aspects but he can't forced them to visit or call. I asked, if his siblings were that out of touch, why do they even bother throwing events for their mom and dad? He said it's all about "face" because they want the community see them as caring children but in reality, they don't visit and can't even spend 5 minutes to make a phone call to say hi.

My friend also said that his parents used pretty much all of their financial resources to help his older siblings particularly with education, weddings and bride price stuff when they need it but now that his parents need them, they couldn't even find the time to make a phone call except when they want to make themselves look good in the eyes of the community...



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Offline theking

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2019, 10:28:10 PM »
That's the thing, my friend's parents had no favorite as they love all their children the same. With that said, my friend ended up with the least amount of support as his parents already spent most of their resources on the older siblings i.e., cars, education, weddings, etc.,..Not to mention time and energy to help them with babysitting the grand kids and such. Plus, as they aged, they have more health issues too ... so my friend has to do even more for them.

I agree that as much as it hurts seeing his parents cried, all he can do is let his older siblings know about it but can't force them to visit or call as they are adults and should know better anyways. I told him that his parents should reject those "for show" honoring parents type of functions as it's not pure and genuine based on the information he disclosed to me. His parents should also be upfront to others in the community when they asked about their children like who really cares and loves them and who doesn't ...Forget about faking their mental pain by protecting their children's uncaring "face"... :knuppel2:

Man, after that conversation with my friend, I'm just glad and very grateful that my siblings and I are not like that. We all visit our mother and offer to go pick her up and/or fly her over to visit us and for as often and as long as she likes.  O0



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Peachy Fish

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2019, 11:22:45 PM »
Hopefully your friend's siblings will step in to help him take care of his parents. Last child or not, it shouldn't matter. So sad to see someone go through all that school to end up not using it due to life circumstances beyond control. Also unfortunate that some kids will forsake their parents until the parents are about to pass away. You can call it karma or whatever I suppose.

I'm the oldest child in my family. My parents have paid their house and cars off and are in good health, so other than taking care of my 2 youngest siblings, they have few financial hardships. We always send my parents $ here and there and when we are visiting them, we take them to do something fun, eat somewhere of their choice, and take them to shop for items for themselves as well as groceries for the family. Also, if our parents ever express they're searching or wanting to try something, if it's in our means we get it for them.

Most of our other siblings that work and live in the same city as our parents already help our parents here and there, too. Most of us siblings know in our hearts they love no one more than the other, although often times some of us felt they are more lenient and paid more attention to the boys.

One day, if my youngest brother or the other brothers doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of my parents, husband and I already decided that we'll take them in with no strings attached just as we are doing with my FIL. Financially, we depend on ourselves. Even though FIL gets social security benefits and offers us $ towards mortgage or groceries, we never accept it, thus we'll extend this to my parents as well.


« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 07:40:29 AM by Thundersaurus »

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Offline theking

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2019, 03:54:17 PM »
Yeah, the older siblings are suppose to be wiser and know better but guess that's not the case with my friend's siblings... ???



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Offline theking

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2019, 12:37:18 AM »
I also asked my friend, how do his older siblings and their spouses treat the in-law side's grandparents but he's not sure as they don't really stay in touch except when they want to make themselves look good in the eyes of the community...or be the "face" of the family... ???



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Offline dogmai

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2019, 06:26:45 AM »
That's the thing, my friend's parents had no favorite as they love all their children the same. With that said, my friend ended up with the least amount of support as his parents already spent most of their resources on the older siblings i.e., cars, education, weddings, etc.,..Not to mention time and energy to help them with babysitting the grand kids and such. Plus, as they aged, they have more health issues too ... so my friend has to do even more for them.

I agree that as much as it hurts seeing his parents cried, all he can do is let his older siblings know about it but can't force them to visit or call as they are adults and should know better anyways. I told him that his parents should reject those "for show" honoring parents type of functions as it's not pure and genuine based on the information he disclosed to me. His parents should also be upfront to others in the community when they asked about their children like who really cares and loves them and who doesn't ...Forget about faking their mental pain by protecting their children's uncaring "face"... :knuppel2:

Man, after that conversation with my friend, I'm just glad and very grateful that my siblings and I are not like that. We all visit our mother and offer to go pick her up and/or fly her over to visit us and for as often and as long as she likes.  O0

I would have to disagree with that advice. Whether it's genuine or just for "face", it shouldn't matter. Now that falls on your friend's ego, he that has become What his siblings are doing. What matters is what the parents wants. If that's the only time that the parents are able to enjoy their time with their other kids, then it should be their choice. Because their if time with their other kids makes them happy, it's genuine to them. Your friend shouldn't take that away from them.

Seeing your parent's tears of joy just once will replace the numerous times their tears was out of grief. If his love for his parents are genuine,  then seeing their tears of joy should be worth a lot more to him than his anger for his siblings showing "face" to the community. Refusing to give his parents their happiness is just as bad as what his siblings are doing, if not worse, since he himself is doing it for his ego.



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Offline dogmai

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2019, 06:37:16 AM »
Man, after that conversation with my friend, I'm just glad and very grateful that my siblings and I are not like that. We all visit our mother and offer to go pick her up and/or fly her over to visit us and for as often and as long as she likes.  O0

Imagine how she feels regardless of whether you guys are doing it because you want to see her or "just for show." Now imagine how she would feel if all of a sudden you refuse to let your siblings fly her out to visit them.



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Offline theking

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Re: How do you feel about this especially those that are the last child
« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2019, 11:55:31 PM »
I would have to disagree with that advice. Whether it's genuine or just for "face", it shouldn't matter. Now that falls on your friend's ego, he that has become What his siblings are doing. What matters is what the parents wants. If that's the only time that the parents are able to enjoy their time with their other kids, then it should be their choice. Because their if time with their other kids makes them happy, it's genuine to them. Your friend shouldn't take that away from them.

That's not what his parents "wants" because they also know it's not "genuine" but they don't have the heart to speak up. More reasons why his parents need be upfront and let his older siblings know how they really feel about these just for "show" or "face" events.

Quote
Seeing your parent's tears of joy just once will replace the numerous times their tears was out of grief. If his love for his parents are genuine,  then seeing their tears of joy should be worth a lot more to him than his anger for his siblings showing "face" to the community. Refusing to give his parents their happiness is just as bad as what his siblings are doing, if not worse, since he himself is doing it for his ego.

And nope, no "tears of joy" as his parents also know it's fake. After the event, they have no problems expressing their complaints to my friend of how they really feel because he's their care provider and the only child that they feel still care about them. Which is why his parents gotta stop holding the pressure in and be upfront and release some pressures by rejecting those events unless it's genuine. They can secretly complain to my friend all they want but don't think it'll do much...It should to come straight from them. That way they'll know sure if their other children really give a damn by visiting more or not as action is more important than words.

My friend is caught in the middle so this family drama is stress that he doesn't need.



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