Age 1-10: Life was good and innocent. I believed in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. Started grade school and believed that being Hmong was something to be proud of and prideful for. Even wore to school a few times one of those "Hmong Pride" T-Shirt. Yes, one of those T-Shirts. Hahaha... (^_^)
Age 14-18: Listen to my mother and father lecture me about the roles of a Hmong woman. Forced to be subservient and obedient to the elders even if they weren't respectful. Within my culture and community I was degraded as a woman even though I'm educated and ranked one of the top students in my High School. Soon I became a victim of sexual abuse within my own family - very commonly within the culture I never told anyone (just like most Hmong girls, I stayed quiet). After suffering the sexual abuse - I had my first sexual intercourse with someone outside my race because of the lack of trust within the Hmong community. I felt abandoned and lost, even though I had a large family and community that pretends they have the perfect face but corruption and disgrace was hidden and I know all the secrets.
Age 19-22: I attended college and while in college I dated a Hmong man who is also at the school. I used him to support me for room and boarding expenses. Stayed with him at his apartment as I study in college, he came from a rich family - I used him and his money get through college. I was not in love with him, I knew what I wanted out of him and that was to have him pay for my college expenses. After I got my college degree and had him pay 3/4 of my college tuition already- after 3 years of dating him I broke the relationship letting him know that I don't see him in my future. He was heart broken because he thought we were going to marry after I graduated college. In my mind this was never going to happen from the start, I used him to get through college. Sorry for being brutally honest.
Age 23-25: After graduating college I found an older Hmong man to date. I was 23 and he was 35. He was recently divorced with 1 child. The child lives with his Ex-Wife. He is very established, owns his own house and makes a good living. I stayed with him without spending any of my money, life was easy. I did not have to work because he took care of me. For the next few years I used him and made him paid for all our traveling across the world. He was not into traveling until he met me and I took advantage. We've visited Vietnam, Thailand, Singapore, Japan, Paris, and England together. I used him so I can explore and travel the world. I was never attracted to him but used him so I can finally explore the world in which I know I will never be able to do with my own finances. One thing I remember him telling me, "You're so beautiful, you don't need to work a day in your life." He was right, a pretty face does go a long way. I never had to work even after getting my college degree. I do admit it is very selfish of me to be using men in this way. I was willing to exploit these men for my own gain and I did not have to think twice. I used these men to get what I want as I matured. I never felt awful about it because I knew I would be leaving them and they will be out of my life when I'm done using them.
Age 26-30: Right now I'm single and satisfied. College loans all paid and have travel the world. I feel satisfy. I have no urges to get married or kids at this moment. I feel confident and alive. When I look back at the men I used in order for my to profit I realize that relationship is all about give and take. In my youth I have been giving to my family and community from day one and realize it did not benefit me. When I was growing up I was the one being taken advantage of. My mind was brained wash by elders to think a certain way, my body molested and touched in inappropriate ways. I woke. I saw. I conquer. Now I feel complete and have found peace. The perfect life. My life~
