The flaw in "Nobody can make you happy but yourself"

[lilly]

"Nobody can make you happy until you're happy with yourself first."

I understand what this quote is saying because, ultimately, it is our own hearts and minds and bodies that determine our own emotional, mental, and psychological states of being.  However, the states of our hearts, minds, and bodies are often influenced by external sources: other people, the weather, bad/good things happening to us, bad/good things happening in the world, etc.  In the face of a horrible experience, we can try really hard to manually shift our brains to see the good in the horrible situation but it is easier said than done. More often, the way we feel is an automatic response to what is happening to us or around us, where the happenings are often caused by other people and things.

So, while I agree with this quote to a certain extent, I recognize that a person's state of happiness is not only influenced by their own mind and thoughts but by external influences as well.

[YAX]

Just imagine if mother's actually believed that line. They be like "sorry baby,  you'll just have to get your own bottle out of the fridge and change your own diapers. Nobody can make you happy but yourself."

[DuMa]

Something that can not be taught but acquire is your core value.  If you don't have what it takes to know what happiness is then how can you get it?  It just doesn't fall on your lap just one day you know. 

Life is all about life lessons.  Some may learn it at a very young age by their parents while others are able to learn it on the fly.  I've learned my core values through segments of my life by observations of the real world. 

Once you are able to acquire this, nothing can shake you.  For example, religion.  In history of the viet and the church folks, them ancient kings would put out a cross and tell you to walk across it as a sign of you giving up your religion and have devotion to him or off with your heads.  117 were accounted for in prints and many more of the faithful were able to die for their religion.  I'm like wow, so I learned more into it and to see where they get their faith from.  Core value once again, once you are able to see your own light and if it is strong enough, you may hold onto it for dear life, until death do you part. 

Another one is learn how to be content and work with what you have.  This ideology or whatever you want to call it can not be learn.  It must be self taught and absorbed.  I have a friend that lived this way.  His favorite word is "it's ok" and at the time, I did not understand what it meant but when I tried to live his way of life, I found out that being ok is being in contention with yourself.  You can test yourself with eating.  Do you eat enough or do you eat until you are full?  What if you do not have enough to eat?  Will you be ok with it? 

If you never become rich, will you be ok with it?  If you are born ugly, will you be ok with it?  So on and so forth. 

So if you are able to be at this elite level, nothing can stop you.  Nothing externally will stop you.  If you are hungry and you have just a piece of bread, you feed your children with it, it is ok.  If someone puts a gun to your head and you know you are going to die, you tell them, it is ok.   If your own children or parents die, you tell yourself, it is ok.  Now getting to that level might require one hellava drug to some.  It is still ok, I can deal with that.   

 

[DuMa]

Let me try to bat from the other side with this piece here. 

Remember how we were young and when we cry, who was there that makes it all better for us?  Our mother or father to some. 

Why do we have friends?  If you are so great by yourself, the guru you then by golly, you are a great person to handle your situation.  If you cry, your own thy self will be the only one that can make you stop crying. 

Now if you are like the rest of us, we have friends and our friends are suppose to be there to lift us up.  Does it work?  Sure it does.  That is what best friend, significant others are for.  I tell you my pain and you can give me comfort with your view of thoughts. 

So therefore, external forces may be needed to make us feel better, soul food for the soul.  Time for me to hook up and get marry.   

[w1s3m0n]

"Nobody can make you happy until you're happy with yourself first."

I understand what this quote is saying because, ultimately, it is our own hearts and minds and bodies that determine our own emotional, mental, and psychological states of being.  However, the states of our hearts, minds, and bodies are often influenced by external sources: other people, the weather, bad/good things happening to us, bad/good things happening in the world, etc.  In the face of a horrible experience, we can try really hard to manually shift our brains to see the good in the horrible situation but it is easier said than done. More often, the way we feel is an automatic response to what is happening to us or around us, where the happenings are often caused by other people and things.

So, while I agree with this quote to a certain extent, I recognize that a person's state of happiness is not only influenced by their own mind and thoughts but by external influences as well.

Lily,

You are correct that we as a collective are impacted by other people.  Those who feel a higher level of empathy will be more severely impacted by others.  For example, you watch a movie and you cry because of the actress performance is so real and raw.  That's your mirror neurons working to demonstrate compassion and empathy for another human being.  So yes, we are impacted by others.  The point in the saying is our RESPONSE FACTOR is a PERSONAL CHOICE.  In facing a traumatic situation, we can cry about it, or we can rise to the situation and respond with resiliency.  If we extend of this from a day to day situation, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY.  Happiness is a state of mind, and that is a personal choice.  Nobody but you can make you happy because that is a personal choice.  Don't expect your S/O, siblings, son, daughter, mother, father, God, etc... to make you happy.

You should read a couple of books on the Nazi concentration camp.  The takeaway from those is individuals with a high level of resiliency and positive mindset survived.  Those with a negative mindset and low resiliency they withered and died.  Hence, CHOICE leads to survival.  Fake it until you make it...kick start your resiliency, kick start your positive mindset to kickstart your happiness.  Make happiness a habit.  I can write about the habit loop but I think you can google it too.

[lilly]

Lily,

You are correct that we as a collective are impacted by other people.  Those who feel a higher level of empathy will be more severely impacted by others.  For example, you watch a movie and you cry because of the actress performance is so real and raw.  That's your mirror neurons working to demonstrate compassion and empathy for another human being.  So yes, we are impacted by others.  The point in the saying is our RESPONSE FACTOR is a PERSONAL CHOICE.  In facing a traumatic situation, we can cry about it, or we can rise to the situation and respond with resiliency.  If we extend of this from a day to day situation, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY.  Happiness is a state of mind, and that is a personal choice.  Nobody but you can make you happy because that is a personal choice.  Don't expect your S/O, siblings, son, daughter, mother, father, God, etc... to make you happy.

You should read a couple of books on the Nazi concentration camp.  The takeaway from those is individuals with a high level of resiliency and positive mindset survived.  Those with a negative mindset and low resiliency they withered and died.  Hence, CHOICE leads to survival.  Fake it until you make it...kick start your resiliency, kick start your positive mindset to kickstart your happiness.  Make happiness a habit.  I can write about the habit loop but I think you can google it too.

I totally love your reply.  It's what I was trying to get at.  Yes, ultimately, we decide how we will react or feel at any given moment.  No one can experience happiness or sadness for us but ourselves.  But we also have to recognize that external factors play a big role in our happiness or sadness.  For example, who's going to force themselves to smile at the death of a love one?  No one ever.  As much as we control our own happiness, the death of a love one will affect us to have an involuntary (I dare say automatic) negative reaction.  I'm sorry, I can tell myself over and over again, "don't cry, don't cry" but that's not going to work... tears will fall on their own when I lose someone I love.  That's why I say that a person's state of happiness is not only influenced by their own mind and thoughts but by external influences as well.

[DuMa]

I totally love your reply.  It's what I was trying to get at.  Yes, ultimately, we decide how we will react or feel at any given moment.  No one can experience happiness or sadness for us but ourselves.  But we also have to recognize that external factors play a big role in our happiness or sadness.  For example, who's going to force themselves to smile at the death of a love one?  No one ever.  As much as we control our own happiness, the death of a love one will affect us to have an involuntary (I dare say automatic) negative reaction.  I'm sorry, I can tell myself over and over again, "don't cry, don't cry" but that's not going to work... tears will fall on their own when I lose someone I love.  That's why I say that a person's state of happiness is not only influenced by their own mind and thoughts but by external influences as well.

You know why there are only a few great (fill in the blank here) people in this world?  They are a one of a kind because they can do things that no other people can do.  It is all about knowledge advantage.  The person with the better knowledge has the advantage.  Lets take for instance, the death of a love one.  If you ever get to witness a person burying their own significant other or their own children but yet, they show no sign of weakness.  They are ok with it because they have gained the knowledge that helps them to be thus strong.  You may cry but not them.  They rather rejoice, for the dead person may not want you to cry.  They want you to be happy for them as they go away or go ahead of us to the afterlife or wherever that they may go. 

While spectators may say that for you to lack an emotion is a disrespectful gesture to the decease.  If you are a strong person, you should not allow any external forces to bring you down.  People ridicule jesus christ but the guy always have a parable that taught them all a lesson.  Once again, the one with the better knowledge wins.   

I do get it that external factors may help or remind you about this word happiness.  Like if you see a happy couple, you be like... I want that too.  Then again, if you have the right kind of knowledge, you can then say that by seeing other people's happiness, it is proof that happiness exist and that you are happy for them and even if it is not for you then let it be for others.   

[YAX]

Perhaps nobody can make you happy except yourself, but everyone around you can make you real sad, real quick.  They can even kill you.  Let's keep that in mind. 

[hmgROCK]

im flawless

[w1s3m0n]

Personal story.  I recently quit a job where I was miserable because quitting made me happier.  My personal response to my work situation was to reject the negative energy the role and the people around the role was creating in my personal state of mind and to seek other opportunities that would lead to a happier state of mind.
 We are in FULL control of our state of mind, but we must be capable of meditation/self-reflection, being able to be vulnerable to oneself and then having the courage to say YES, I am unhappy, and YES, I quit because this will make me happier.  We also must be able to live and accept our decision.

A side note, I recently finished listening to The Book of Joy by Dalia Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrahm.  It was a very fitting book to be listening to during my misery at work.  The book outlines a theme called the 8 pillars of Joy:
1) Perspective - we must be open to the perspective of others through empathy and compassion
2) Humility - We must be humble and see ourselves as a human being
3) Humor - Humor and laughter helps us shift our mind towards happiness, and it also breaks down conflict and barriers
4) Acceptance - sometimes we must accept the situation and see the silver lining of the situation
5) Forgiveness - Forgiveness releases us from the burden of our grief and anger, but don't accept bad situation and don't forget.  I personally agree with this but there is a level of forgiveness that is greater than this when there is repentance - absolution.
6) Gratitude -   Having gratitude for life and the beauty of creation helps us understand how precious we are and this helps us regenerate a positive mindset each morning
7) Compassion - Suffering is caused by self-thinking (aka desires), we must love and suffer with our people.  Compassion (love) is the most important thing and if we have this we have all other virtues.  This was iterated by the Buddha and iterated by Jesus and St. Paul.
Generosity - giving is better than receiving and this is reinforced by natural selection

[nightrider]

You'll have to define what kind of happiness otherwise there's no answer that would satisfy that quote. Things that you can control, I'm more incline to believe that you can actually achieve that state of mind of satisfaction but like most of you point out, there are things that are out of our control and are totally dependent on external forces.

[VillainousHero]

This is also in the conundrum of wisdom.

One cannot make changes in others, but can only make changes within oneself.  And the reality is that it will affect changes in others.  When they see that they cannot change you.

Happiness is like the same fickle.  Nobody can make you happy but yourself.  You yourself have to make those choices to initiate those changes.  Sometimes it's just a little ripple.  Sometimes it's a big wave.  Sometimes it the absolute calmness, resistant to any changes.  Sometimes it is being swept up by those changes that will make one happy.

Theorist talks about pessimism vs optimism.  Sometimes one needs to observe the whole.  It's that observation to perceive the reality of it.  Again this brings to awareness of oneself and the environment of one is in.  Awareness of one's element as in the whole of the environment.  If one is happy, another might be envious of your happiness.  If one is miserable, another might be happy to see your misery.

This brings to being mindful...mind ful of others.  For an altruistic personality, it would make them happy to be able to help another.  For an advocative personality, it would make them happy to be able to persuade others to their cause or perspective.  All together is what one prioritizes as one's personal values.  This is often as one's personality is and what it influences our thinking and how we interpret as our experiences.  It is like hearing the same message from two different people, but only one is given credit to it.