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Author Topic: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....  (Read 212 times)

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Offline DuMa

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The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« on: September 12, 2019, 04:31:29 PM »
I had a chit chat with my midwest cousin over the weekend.  We thought the guy was doom cuz we never see him with any gf or date cuz the boy is a smart nerd, an engineering looking geek.  I'm old but he's older than I am so you know how late in the game he is or was.  Well he got married recently and now he's lecturing me about the value of time factor when it comes to marriage.  He asked me to give me the west coast daily lifestyle and he compares it with his midwest life style. 

So here in the northern cali bay area, we commuters spends something like 4 hours a day, round trip to get to and from work.  So that's 4 hours a day wasted, sitting in traffic and sitting in your car.  You go to work, stuck in traffic,  you drive hella far, you head for home, you still stuck in traffic and by the time you get home, it is later in the day.  Now assume that I have a wife with a child and they are in a house.  He tells me that I am wasting my time just to hustle the money by being a Californian.  His suggestion is for me to move anywhere else in the states (he's hinting me to move to where he's at) and work near home so that I can have more time to spend with my future wife and kid.  We then had a back and forth debate and I'm always on the defensive side by saying...

1.  It is a way of life here and we are used to it.  He can not understand because he's a mid western guy and with him living in california and doing what I do best, he can not make it.  Higher pay yeah but most of that money goes into housing and you are wasting valuable time, time that you could of spend with your love ones.  Same can be said with myself being in the midwest cuz I already have tried living there, with my own condo and it is boring as hell on the weekdays but fun to split games on the weekends.  I seriously can not make it there either.  I find such lifestyle blended.  No hard feelings towards you mid western folks. 

2.  I say I can not live without my friends.  I like to live near my friends because they are my social backbone.  Boys do need their boys time as well.  He can not relate because he's a loner and his best friend now is his wife.  I have no problem with that but he continues to preach that in a marriage relationship, you need to choose your wife over your boys.  Any time spent with your boys is 0 hours spent with your wife. 

There are other points but these two pointers are my headliners.  How dare this mid western guy be trying to sway me to take his road to life?  Although he does have a point though.  Here in cali, we work to pay rent or mortgage.  Why suffer like that when we can just move to the midwest where a 2 income family can easily buy a decent house and so the focus can be spend building up the relationship or starting a family than just going to work and be a slave to your housing issue. 

If you guys have any pointers to who is right or who is wrong, voice up.  I would like to get some ideas myself.  Thanks



 



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Offline Reporter

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2019, 10:07:23 AM »
So, you guys drive 4 hours to work elsewhere and those other people come four hours to work where you are.

Why not just swap that: you work where you live, they work where they live? Then your cousin won't feel so sorry about your situation.



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Offline lexicon

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2019, 10:16:43 AM »
There shouldn't be a right or wrong.

You ultimately live Life the way you want to or the way it works for you. Some people want the house, 2 kids and the white picket fences. Some are fine just working and being among friends.

Don't let others impose their beliefs, lifestyle, blah, blah, blah...Enjoy YOUR Life and leave it at that.




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Offline hmgROCK

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2019, 10:41:01 AM »
i came to the bay area last year
and there were homneless people pooping and peeing on the sidewalk
in broad daylight
you can smell it

the people there are really selfish and its like a free for all
anything goes attitude
you either make it, or you don't

screenshot of my flight gmail






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Offline hmgROCK

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2019, 10:48:48 AM »
yall cali folks
likes to put up 6 ft tall wooden fences
all over the place

us midwest folks is more chill
we love thy neighbor



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Offline lexicon

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2019, 11:08:24 AM »
yall cali folks
likes to put up 6 ft tall wooden fences
all over the place

us midwest folks is more chill
we love thy neighbor

I'm in the Midwest and I love the 6ft privacy fences. It's less about being neighborly and more about having some sense of privacy. We have them on one side of the yard and they're great. The other side with the 3ft fence has become an issue with the constant barking from the neighbors annoying little rat-like dogs that come running out whenever we leave the house. So, yeah, I love the 6ft fences.



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Offline Cali Guy

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2019, 03:38:51 PM »
Families, before it was just your family but now you’ll have to divide the time by including her family.



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Online theking

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2019, 06:51:44 PM »
There shouldn't be a right or wrong.

You ultimately live Life the way you want to or the way it works for you. Some people want the house, 2 kids and the white picket fences. Some are fine just working and being among friends.

Don't let others impose their beliefs, lifestyle, blah, blah, blah...Enjoy YOUR Life and leave it at that.

Agree. Marriage is NOT a requirement in life so do it if you want but don't feel like you're being forced to do it...



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Online theking

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2019, 06:53:36 PM »
I'm in the Midwest and I love the 6ft privacy fences. It's less about being neighborly and more about having some sense of privacy. We have them on one side of the yard and they're great.

Holy Shinto, that just made hmgROCK poop in his pants... ;D ;D ;D



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Online theking

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2019, 06:55:20 PM »
i came to the bay area last year
and there were homneless people pooping and peeing on the sidewalk
in broad daylight
you can smell it

the people there are really selfish and its like a free for all
anything goes attitude
you either make it, or you don't

Yeah that's as real as your friend's "dirty car" or your "co-worker" coming on to you lies...I even asked you to map it and all I heard is crickets (back pedal, tuck and run)...

Speaking of "selfish", the worst ones are the ones that have zero compassion by going "underground" to steal from the poor and also give them "spoilage" food..



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Offline Dok_Champa

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2019, 10:58:39 AM »
Depends...  If you want a satisfying life, I'd agree w/ your friend.  If you want the party life, stay where you're at.   But, how long are you going to continue partying till they get old?



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Offline Believe_N_Me

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2019, 01:09:09 PM »
If you're not ready to marry or don't want to get married then don't. It's unfair to the person who marries you if you had no intentions of living the married lifestyle. Too many people think they can blend the two worlds but end up divorced. Worse when kids are involved.



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Offline DuMa

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2019, 03:17:02 PM »
So, you guys drive 4 hours to work elsewhere and those other people come four hours to work where you are.

Why not just swap that: you work where you live, they work where they live? Then your cousin won't feel so sorry about your situation.

Bay area commuters are a different breed of people.  It is about a 2 hours stretch (including traffic) where people go to work on a daily.  Some even tries to beat traffic by going at 3am to 4am in the morning, just to get to work at 6am and just lounge at work till their work schedule starts at 7am.  You explain this to the east coast people and they will call you insane. 

The ideal is to live where you work however, with the housing market in the bay area are super high, it then becomes an option that is not even an option. 

I explained to dude that we commuters are victims of circumstances.  Either accept it or make a move by moving away.  It is a decision that is rather practical and depending on your job experiences and fields, lets say you are in the medical fields, you can basically live anywhere as to a tech worker where an apple or ibm are not everywhere widespread. 

It then boils down to commitment.  How much you want to spend with your love ones and what sacrifice are you willing to make to make it happen? 

On paper, he almost got me sold however, it is like taking a tiger from india where it is his natural habitats and trying to make such tiger to live in california.  Works but is such tiger really happy? 

 




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Offline DuMa

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2019, 03:19:45 PM »
There shouldn't be a right or wrong.

You ultimately live Life the way you want to or the way it works for you. Some people want the house, 2 kids and the white picket fences. Some are fine just working and being among friends.

Don't let others impose their beliefs, lifestyle, blah, blah, blah...Enjoy YOUR Life and leave it at that.

I agreed and we can always meet one another as visitors.  There is no shame in that at all.  I bought up the notion that he's poocee whoop or is living on a "ball and chain" type of a relationship where he probably has 0 friends now and his wife is his only friend.  Works for him but not for all. 



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Offline DuMa

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Re: The time factor when it comes to marriage.....
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2019, 03:28:53 PM »
Families, before it was just your family but now you’ll have to divide the time by including her family.

You are from cali, you  know what I'm talking about.  Some may even say that you cali hmongs are different than them east coast to midwest hmongs whom are also different than yall southern states chicken raising oklahoma and arkansas hmongs who then are totally different than them Alaskan hmongs. 

I think as long as you all decided to move as a family (mommy daddy brother sisters cousins and your immediate family) then no matter where you live, it will then becomes home.   

His suggestion is to leave all that behind and be a pioneer like the white people.  Don't work to become a slave to the housing market but work enough to have the time to spend it with your wife and children.  Sounds about right to me but it is actually hard to execute. 



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