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Author Topic: How do you parents feel about your daughters being abused by their husbands?  (Read 261 times)

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Offline theking

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Re: How do you parents feel about your daughters being abused by their husbands?
« Reply #15 on: September 29, 2020, 04:14:03 PM »
I feel like domestic abuse is so normal in the Hmong community that most parents would just tell their daughter to "ua siab ntev". I would hope that if I was in that situation, my parents would tell me to leave the guy but you can't know for sure until you're in that situation.

If I was the mother and my daughter was being physically abused, I would do as much as I can to get her to out of that situation.

Unfortunately that learned response/reaction ("ua siab ntev") has been going on for generations and generations so even though women have more rights now compared to those back in Laos, it's hard for some to move away from it..



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Offline jennamt

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Unfortunately that learned response/reaction ("ua siab ntev") has been going on for generations and generations so even though women have more rights now compared to those back in Laos, it's hard for some to move away from it..

On top of that, the reputation of having a daughter who's a divorcee is shameful. Thus, parents would rather their daughters stick it out then come back home. But I think in the next generation, things will probably be different. We are the 1st generation born in the US and along with that, we have different perspectives.



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Offline DuMa

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Doesn't have to be a family member.  As a stranger, I can call for a citizen's arrest if I see my neighbor beating up his wife or vice versa. 

Do your part and do what is right.  Abuse is never a good thing. 



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Offline Reporter

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Our elders' minds have been closed in that they just can't see a divorced man every time there's a divorced woman. We see only the divorced woman.

Anyway, indeed, our generation views the divorce differently.

On top of that, the reputation of having a daughter who's a divorcee is shameful. Thus, parents would rather their daughters stick it out then come back home. But I think in the next generation, things will probably be different. We are the 1st generation born in the US and along with that, we have different perspectives.



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Offline Reporter

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I heard that some people who call on someone else have often been killed by the cops who mistakenly think the callers are the perpetrators. Beware!

Doesn't have to be a family member.  As a stranger, I can call for a citizen's arrest if I see my neighbor beating up his wife or vice versa. 

Do your part and do what is right.  Abuse is never a good thing.



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Offline Reporter

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It's those who can't order or choose their own foods on dates that keep staying in and not moving away from it.

Unfortunately that learned response/reaction ("ua siab ntev") has been going on for generations and generations so even though women have more rights now compared to those back in Laos, it's hard for some to move away from it..



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Offline Believe_N_Me

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To be quite frank, very few Hmong divorcees are tough enough to rebuild a life for themselves and make a good choice when remarrying. The majority allow their own feelings and emotions steer them into poor decisions. They end up earning themselves a bad reputation or doing things that shame their parents. This is why parents typically advise their daughters to ua siab ntev when there are kids involved.

Some of you obviously have never had to sit through these cases where the woman just keeps doing stupid things one after the other even after she's received the support of her family. I know of several cases where the parents advise the daughter not to go back and to have the husband come with his clan. The wife couldn't even wait for that. She secretly went back to the husband. This shames her parents. Now they look bad. Then there are those who already divorced but once they discovered the dating pool is horrible, they just kept seeing the ex husband anyways. Some just go on to date married men due to loneliness and so on. Now her ex really doesn't respect her.

And then there is the matter of the kids. It's very burdensome for parents to babysit her kids and her brothers' kids. The kids fight or create a mess and the nyab doesn't like it.

It's a little different nowadays because people live on their own. Most divorcees do not return to their brother's house with her kids unlike in the past. Parents don't necessarily live with the married sons either. This is why the Hmong do not complain as much about divorcee daughters anymore. But I've also noticed that the old people don't even bother to hais plaub anymore either. If couples want to divorce then they just do so on their own.




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Offline lexicon

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Someone's going to jail; myself or my sil.



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Offline Reporter

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Sure. But how do you feel if it's your daughter being abused by her husband, Belioeve_N_Me?

To be quite frank, very few Hmong divorcees are tough enough to rebuild a life for themselves and make a good choice when remarrying. The majority allow their own feelings and emotions steer them into poor decisions. They end up earning themselves a bad reputation or doing things that shame their parents. This is why parents typically advise their daughters to ua siab ntev when there are kids involved.

Some of you obviously have never had to sit through these cases where the woman just keeps doing stupid things one after the other even after she's received the support of her family. I know of several cases where the parents advise the daughter not to go back and to have the husband come with his clan. The wife couldn't even wait for that. She secretly went back to the husband. This shames her parents. Now they look bad. Then there are those who already divorced but once they discovered the dating pool is horrible, they just kept seeing the ex husband anyways. Some just go on to date married men due to loneliness and so on. Now her ex really doesn't respect her.

And then there is the matter of the kids. It's very burdensome for parents to babysit her kids and her brothers' kids. The kids fight or create a mess and the nyab doesn't like it.

It's a little different nowadays because people live on their own. Most divorcees do not return to their brother's house with her kids unlike in the past. Parents don't necessarily live with the married sons either. This is why the Hmong do not complain as much about divorcee daughters anymore. But I've also noticed that the old people don't even bother to hais plaub anymore either. If couples want to divorce then they just do so on their own.



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Offline Reporter

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I understand the feeling, Lexicon.

Someone's going to jail; myself or my sil.



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