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Author Topic: Sometimes you can feel it in your bones...  (Read 55 times)

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Offline Believe_N_Me

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Sometimes you can feel it in your bones...
« on: April 01, 2024, 04:44:47 PM »
You meet someone. The connection is amazing and the chemistry is off the charts. You feel like you've known them all your life. They make you feel like you're home. They check off all the boxes. They display signs of being grounded and responsible. And more importantly, they tell you that they're at a stage where they want to put down roots and have stability. It doesn't take too long for the both of you to take a leap of faith and enter a relationship.

However, there is a nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that is raising alarm bells. You just don't feel like this person has a true sense of commitment. You just don't feel that they have the endurance to go the distance. Red flags usually mean that you find out more information to see if they turn into green flags. Talking to them doesn't make you feel more at ease. In fact, despite all the details they've shared about their upbringing, past relationships, and so forth, the red flags just become "Stop signs", "Do not move forward".

There are people who can commit, but it doesn't mean that the long-term relationships they have are healthy. They stay in these long-drawn out relationships that have run its course due to fear of being alone, familiarity, complacency. Sometimes, they don't even know how to leave because they've been in it for so long that they become accustomed to the toxic behaviors. They, themselves, develop toxic behaviors that are reactions to their ex's behaviors. And you know that because the longer you allow the relationship to run, you start seeing these behaviors towards you.

I realize that people whose never been in a healthy relationship don't know how to have one, unless they've put in the hard work to change. They might have an idea of how to be a good partner, but unless they've been conditioned to behave in healthy ways, they revert back to behaviors that sour a relationship. They don't handle conflict in a healthy and productive way. For example, they will stone wall, give the silent treatment, gas light, seek out emotional comfort from the opposite sex, and so forth - all behaviors they used in their past relationship(s).

You might be questioning, "well if a relationship is healthy then why did it end?" A healthy relationship is not dependent on success or failure. It is more about communication in the relationship. Couples who communicate in a positive, healthy and productive manner end relationships all the time due to incompatibilit y and other external factors. What we're talking about is how a couple handles conflict. Conflict doesn't always mean quarreling and disagreements. It can be things like going through a mundane phase after the honeymoon period. Do they come together to work it out? Or are they finding stimulation by overworking, constantly hanging out with friends, disappearing, emotionally cheating with the opposite sex, etc? There are couples who use these tactics in their decades long marriage/relationship. It is not healthy and does not reflect true commitment to each other, but rather unhealthy attachments. 

When I refer to commitment, I mean is this person going to respect me and protect the relationship despite troubling times and be consistent about it?

The marker of a successful relationship is when you two can be going through a totally boring, mundane period, and still come home to each other without seeking stimulation outside the relationship. You can still look at each other and feel grateful that that is your partner and you don't need the glitter and adrenaline rush to want to be committed to them.




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Offline Believe_N_Me

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Re: Sometimes you can feel it in your bones...
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2024, 04:47:55 PM »
It is so important to find a spouse who knows what true commitment is and practices it consistently, especially as you age. You two will have nobody but yourselves. You two are your own family, your own friends, your own judge and jury, etc. It would be so traumatizing to be with someone who has poor communication skills and disappears to live in their own head while sorting out matters or dealing with stress.



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Offline Believe_N_Me

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Re: Sometimes you can feel it in your bones...
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2024, 07:52:11 PM »
Do not enter a relationship because it is convenient for you. Those who do so tend to accept relationships with incompatible partners because the partner happens to fill a need at the moment. Enter a relationship because the other person is someone who will help you build a life. This person will inevitably be your family. Your family will consider them family. Their family will consider you family.

There are people who only enter relationships when it's convenient for them. If it's not the right time, they will not hesitate to discard a good partner despite everything going well. On the flip side, when it's convenient for them to be in a relationship, they will accept just anybody who is available and willing. This often leads to a lot of drama and conflict.



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