PebHmong Discussion Forum
Creative Corner => Online Journal => Topic started by: Rebel on July 03, 2018, 05:59:19 PM
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As soon as I get myself to that point where I know I will succeed, I screw myself over; I fluck myself up.
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that is what being a rebel is all about. :P
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that is what being a rebel is all about. :P
:P
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In the desert baking in 109 degrees of heat.
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There’s a kind of order in life. A type of law, that if followed; falls into place. That’s what kite flying have taught me…
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:)
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"Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you."
-Friedrich W. Nietzsche
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....
Ever since he left the home, he's gotten nothing but a mess of bad things happening to him...karma is real. I always offer to help but sometimes I have to ignore it and let karma do its things....
life's been blissful...
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So I've been pissed at dan and for a while n before the holidays, I wished him a merry Christmas and happy new year and told that I will catch him around. That was my way of saying goodbye sucker without coming off too mean. I really wanted to start the new year fresh with no drama and yep, single n unattached. A week and a half later dan called me and asked me to go see him on New Year's Day. (Did that mother ducker miss me? Lol) I declined. Then he proceed to say all kinds of hateful and nasty things to me which really hurt my feelings. We ended up getting into a huge fight over text.....I have a really hard time reading dan. Sometimes he seems like this soft, dorky and genuine kind of guy and other times he comes off hard, indifferent and heartless. And then when I see him in person, he's a nerd. A nerd who have an obsession for my feet
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I feel crazy all the time! Is that normal? I think it's a mental disorder but it can also be bc I'm alway suppressing my problems and it drives me to that point to where I feel like I'm losing it.
I thought of dan today n recently been thinking of him. (Well bc he still texts me often) I hate him with a passion but I want him at the same time. I always hav to stop myself and tell myself that I'm better than this and that the will to walk away from him is better than to fall back into his traps. I want to clear my head of him so I thought of five things that I don't like about him.
1. He doesn't cook.
2. He has this awful side that comes out once in a while n can be really nasty
3. He's OCD
4. He's borderline controlling
5. He has an obsession with feet and jacks off to it....makes me uncomfortable n turns me off.
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-rebel-
you just have too much time on your hands. my suggestion, fine something to occupy your mind. gl
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Rebel, just wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading your posts. :) I hope the new year 2020 will treat you right and you'll receive love and happiness. :)
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I feel crazy all the time! Is that normal? I think it's a mental disorder but it can also be bc I'm alway suppressing my problems and it drives me to that point to where I feel like I'm losing it.
I thought of dan today n recently been thinking of him. (Well bc he still texts me often) I hate him with a passion but I want him at the same time. I always hav to stop myself and tell myself that I'm better than this and that the will to walk away from him is better than to fall back into his traps. I want to clear my head of him so I thought of five things that I don't like about him.
1. He doesn't cook.
2. He has this awful side that comes out once in a while n can be really nasty
3. He's OCD
4. He's borderline controlling
5. He has an obsession with feet and jacks off to it....makes me uncomfortable n turns me off. <--------------WTF?
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-rebel-
you just have too much time on your hands. my suggestion, fine something to occupy your mind. gl
You're right. I need a life! Lol Just want to unload some of my crap hehe
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Rebel, just wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading your posts. :) I hope the new year 2020 will treat you right and you'll receive love and happiness. :)
Thanks Lilly, I'm glad u enjoy reading my posts :) happy new year to u too!
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Lately I constantly feel the need to run away, to get away, to vanish and disappear. I'm full yet empty.
Dan was pissed st me for "vanishing" during the holidays. He counted down the days I last texted him. Although he kept his cool during the whole time we didn't communicate, he called me on New Year's Day and lashed out at me. We ended up st the movies on a weekday and he spilked out his miseries to me, even broke down a little bit. But for a long time I couldn't read that MF and as sweet as he can be something was just feel wrong. He has this side to him that's very dominating and that's what's frightens me sometimes. He gives me commands and I get so scared I just "ok" everything. Sometimes his roughness comes out and that too scares me...how can a dorky guy like him scare me so deeply? He gets aroused by it and I lose my shit over it
Though there's so much weird stuff I want to get out of my head and share on here i want to keep it clean lol so you all will not know about it...and it's a good thing
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Dan haven't been fair to me, at least I feel that way. I stopped contacting for two days... thinking we'd silently ghost each other but he sent me three "accidental" texts messages. After the third one I replied bc of the way he worded it. "Hey sexy, hello to you too" I sent one back asking if he had "accidentally" messaged me. He admit that it was on "purpose." Then went back on what he said.
I responded "ya right.."
He texted, "u forgot about me n I missed u"
Me, "I didn't for get u at all"
Him: "you haven't texted me in a while"
Me. "I was busy and thought u were too"
Him: "I am never busy for you, text me"
I was actually on a date when I received the message and didn't respond until I got home. I don't know what to feel. Honestly I always wonder if he crazy in love with me or stringing me along? He wants to see me very single week. He makes plans and texts me everyday since I meet him. We talk about everything under the sun. I feel like he's my best friend but...but why won't he make me his girlfriend? He talks about it all the time referring me to " you're my future girlfriend". He tell me how he wanted to be treated and want me to call him by certain names...likes he's my lover. We've shared intimate moment, share our thoughts and sharing a little of our self each time we meet. Then once he feels like I'm slipping, he comes after me. And this bullshit starts all over again.
I'm trying to figure my love life out. I know for a fact that I don't need a man in my life. I am very content and happy at the current moment... I'm not sure I am really girlfriend material at the moment either... I've gotten out of my divorce and I'm just floating with the wind. I want a relationship but I also want to be left alone sometimes...I wanna see what else is it there but I feel the need to stay loyal
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I'm trying to figure my love life out. I know for a fact that I don't need a man in my life. I am very content and happy at the current moment... I'm not sure I am really girlfriend material at the moment either... I've gotten out of my divorce and I'm just floating with the wind. I want a relationship but I also want to be left alone sometimes...I wanna see what else is it there but I feel the need to stay loyal
Let me tell you about the lingering phenomenon. It works best for some couples out there. They do not know why they are together. They are together because they are tied by something, a child perhaps. The are together because they have tried dating other people but they somehow goes back to each other when dating other people fails.
Like in between being lovers and a friend. You are not marriage material to be kept but at the same time, you are a lot better than them grasses on the other side. This playbook is quite dangerous actually. Before you know it, one side will find their jackpot and get marry to someone else and will leave you or them, high and dry.
Very frustrating position I know.
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Let me tell you about the lingering phenomenon. It works best for some couples out there. They do not know why they are together. They are together because they are tied by something, a child perhaps. The are together because they have tried dating other people but they somehow goes back to each other when dating other people fails.
Like in between being lovers and a friend. You are not marriage material to be kept but at the same time, you are a lot better than them grasses on the other side. This playbook is quite dangerous actually. Before you know it, one side will find their jackpot and get marry to someone else and will leave you or them, high and dry.
Very frustrating position I know.
He wanted to be exclusive when we first dated but I was still going through my divorce n didn't want to be committed into a relationship yet. I've been hot and cold lately n not sure myself if this is really what I want. A part of me want to explore what's out there and Ive tried to let him go on many occasions but I feel like we both have such a good connection I don't want to leave it either. Eventually someone's gonna get hurt and I don't want it to be me...I'm in a confusing period of my dating life lol but Yes, i want a man in my life, im just sorting my life
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I watch "first they killed my father" on Netflix awhile ago and I felt a sudden sadness for the fact that we don't have a country and if we did, I how wonder how it would it look like...? Would we have temples and stores and schools and bookstores? How did these other people conquered lands and where did we go wrong to lose a country? Or did we had a country..?
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I feel like this baby sheep who was just minding my own business eating grass and chilling without a care in the world... but somehow I gazed up n realized I'm on the other (wrong) side of the mountain, away from the rest of my herd... and maybe a feeling little lost...
Happy Valentine's Day!
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....
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He asked to hangout for valentines day and told me he will text me for the time. Well.., Valentine's morning came and he messaged me early in the morning to wish me a happy v day and I replied wishing him one... but then, nothing after that!! I waited until 8pm then flipped my shit on him. He finally replied 30 minutes later just to tell me he had FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT ME...ON VALENTINES DAY?!?? WTF! Oh my gawd!! I'm dying of this ridiculousness . Was he joking??? Testing my nerves?? Honestly didn't care??? I was so pissed I feel like I lost my sparkles...tur ned into cruella diville....and couldn't think straight... Ive gotten dolled up and I thought we were gonna hang out. Was I just kidding myself?? I went through the text messages he had sent the day before, he had wanted us to hangout and said he would love to see me...if I wasn't doing anything...
" im sorry...im sorry look, I'm waiting for you... I'm so excited you'll be coming here, i can't wait to see you" he kept repeating
"I don't want to anymore... forget it...u could of told me... I would of been cool about it and made other plans! " I said trying not to lose my cool.
"I'm moving things into the new house and renovating parts of it, you knew that and I've lost track of time.... you need to call and remind me of these things too!!" He calmly said to me
You said you'd call me with the time, n I was waiting on you!! " I said trying to stay calm
"WELL, TEXT ME THEN WOMAN! You suck at texting..you suck at communicating blah blah blah " His voice rumbled like thunder through the line...
I almost wanted to hang up but was so mad I wanted to give him a piece of my mind
"Well.., I would but your always so duckEN BUSY, ****... !" I shot back at him
Yea... BUT I ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR YOU, DONT I? TOLD YA I DONT CARE WHEN YOU MESSAGE ME, JUST MESSAGE ME, I'll always make time for you. Now be here soon... Cause I'm waiting for you"
I end up at his house at 9:45 pm.... lol looking like a disheveled cruella diville, wearing the ugliest looking outfit I could find in the closet... no point to looking nice anymore... he laughed at my ugly top... gave me a bear hug and said
"I promise I will make it up for you."
We kissed and made up over a shot of whiskey and a glass of liquor. We sat out on the front porch and watched the busy traffic into the night and talked about our life and the fun that we had during our last trip together.
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For the past month I've been advoiding a lot of people in my life. I wanna make time for myself. I have goals that I need to focus on and dreams to accomplish and crap, I'm still going through my divorce. Like, when will this nightmare be over with? Tina and Mel came by to check up on me today. They were worried that something happened to me and I was surprised to see them when I got home.. I didn't feel the need to apologize at all.. told them I was happy to see them and we hung out and chatted for over an hour about just stupid things before they left. They had to remind me that it's been since Christmas since they heard from me... they had to remind me what an awful friend I am..
My brother also called not too long ago, bc i haven't called them for some time now.. and he was pretty pissed even though he sounded like it was nice to finally get a hold of me...I should of been the one to call him bc he was hospitalized.. .but I didn't. And a little bit of me feel awful about it too. And yea, i told my sis that I will go visit her but flaked out months ago...and then David died, and I fell into some kind of depression.
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Many of our conversations are usually over a few drinks... and I have to admit that the next day when Im sober I try to remember exactly what we talked about... last night was one of those nights where we had some deep conversations on the front porch...
I remember him saying something along the line of... "u can go on an adventure and have fun... I don't mind.." or " I don't mind that you go and do things, I'm ok with it"
I remember replying back to him... "keep saying that and I'm gonna really do it..." and for some reason it shut him up
Earlier today I try to remember exactly what we were talking about... but it's a blur between our conversation and the meaning of what was said...and what I remembered
Did he mean that I can date/explore around and he was gonna be okay with it?
Did he mean that I can go out and do whatever i like and he didn't mind?
Was he referring to my upcoming weekend trip?
Anyhow..., we ended up mentioning about our ex's and he got a little jealous when I told him that that my ex still comes by and try to work things out with me even though I want nothing to do with him. So then he told me about other day when he went by his ex house to pick up his son, n his ex was trying to sleep with him and get him to have a threesome with another girl that was at the house... we almost got into it on the front porch... but decided to have another drink and cool off.
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"So which hotel are you staying at?"
"Whose going with you on this trip?"
"When are you coming back?"
He asked me again for the second time. In my head I'm thinking why the duck do u want to know where I'll be staying at? I quickly gave him a vague answer... "oh it's about five miles from there..." I said with a smile on my face.
"That's ok", he said and he leaned over to kiss me on my forehead.
Honestly, it's no ones business where I'll be staying at, just wanted him to know I'll be gone for that weekend...was that not good enough?
We end up watching the joker movie, halfway through and he looked over at me with the biggest joker grin on his face; he always look so ducken cute!
"You make me feel like I'm a teenager all over again..."
And I think that's why I like him too. I just want to enjoy the moment. I don't want the pressure of life. I don't want to talk about relationships. I don't want to complicate things. I don't want to have the responsibility of being a couple. I just want to vibe and live in the moment.
I thought it was so cute that he wore his Asian shirt for me that day...he said it was his favorite shirt now bc the Asian girl looked just like me...for a moment there he seemed like a happy little boy whose was yearning for my love and approval and something inside of me lit up for a sec.
I left early but didn't bother giving him a goodbye kiss. He called after me, "be safe, driving home!" "Be safe!" "Drive well" I know he wanted me to turn around and go back for a kiss but I pretend like I didn't hear him... I suddenly felt mad at him as I was leaving out the door...but wanted to stay calm and indifference about it.
Did he wanted to see me today so he can do this to me? I was annoyed bc he always managed to leaves something on me every single time we meet...the only reason why he wanted to see me on a Tuesday evening was so he can make sure it was there and i knew this time, like every time it was intentional. An innocent sensual neck kiss turned into an aggressive suffocating love bite that felt like I was attacked by a vampire... i freed myself from his grip and walked away...didn't look back. I had voice this to him before but he keeps doing it. And my instinct keeps alerting me it's a red flag...or is he in love with me? Wtf is wrong with me... why do I always end up with these kinds of guys?
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I told my mother, " if u have absolutely nothing nice to say, just learn to close your mouth! In my house you can only say things that are positive, nice, loving, kind/tender and encouraging... and if you have nothing sweet and beautiful to think of to say or talk about, then be quiet! Not everyday do I need to hear negative shit coming from u bc it ducks up my vibe and suck the life, peace and joy out of me!"
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He texted me: " I'm jealous you're gone for the weekend...send me some pictures of your trip when you can"
The next day another message: "I'm working a few blocks from where your staying at...some commercial building etc"
Later that night: " Are you watching the fireworks? I can hear it from where I'm at!"
He usually never, ever work out toward that way, I thought it was freaking weird as hell. I asked him why he was out here working and received no response lol
"I'm having so much fun...wished u were here."
"Yes, me too...I miss u"
"Miss u2"
Every time our conversations gets a little serious, like when we say we miss each other....., we'll pull away for a couple days, sometimes an entire week as if that was too much and too serious all at once...
Since then silence
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"What are you doing tonight? How you been...want to see you..."
He finally messaged after almost a week later...
I didn't see it until I was leaving out the door...
"I'm busy... I have something to do later in the evening...can't see you tonight"
He took an unusually long time to reply back
"Ok fine... maybe next time? How bout Monday?
I didn't respond.
I don't want to catch feelings. Or did I already have feelings? I want to fight it at the same time I feel like fleeing from feeling anything.. I have issues and that's why I wanna talk about it..
@9:00pm
"Come see me, pls"
"We'll catch up next time :)"
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My ex @ 12:16 am
"Rebel,... I dropped your AUX cord off left it on your key rack..."
"Ok thank..whose there? How u get in my house?"
"Drove by your car was gone but lights are on... d's here. I stop by I'm still here I need to use the bathroom.."
"Have a good night please don't stay out late thank you goodnight be safe"
"Your bathroom light is out"
He called me four times but I didn't pick up. I was at a some dive bars east of here... just needing to get away for a awhile...I didn't want to uber home so we stayed until I sobered. Early this morning ex messaged me to see if I was free next weekend, but I think he just wanted to see if I got home yet.
"No" I told him
"I have a wedding to go to"
"Oh cool..whose getting married?"
"Someone you don't know"
"Do you have the Disney plus app on your phone?"
"No"
"I was saying I can give you my login info n you can watch some of your favorite movies..."
"No thanks..., I don't have time"
"Ok"
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Love in the time of the corona virus pandemic... wouldn't it be a crazy story to talk about? Its been so crazy in my town lately, many stores are running out of rice, toilet papers, face masks and hand sanitizers. I look around my own home and I haven't stocked up anything yet. I feel like an apocalypse is brewing and I'll be the only one left unprepared... I can just see it... Me, scavenging for crap to survive... and well you know the rest..
A friend of mine is dying at the hospital but I've been so paranoid to go see her. According to the hospital's website, there's a patient with the virus there and who'd wanna risk going there? There's been rumors of people getting it without leaving the country, so who knows how they got it..,but I'm not sure I should believe everything I hear. There's also a few first responders who had to self quarantined bc the patient were tested positive for covid-19...And I mean, that virus is making its way here... do you know how close that is to where I live? VERY close to home.
Stay safe friends and wash your hands!
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We haven't seen each other for over two weeks. Several dates were set up but for some reason our schedule keeps getting in the way...I was either busy or he was... so like, duck this shit! Lol
1:20 am, my phone lit up. Wtf!
"How's your day going?" "Or shall I say, how was ur day?"
I hesitated.
"My day was great..what are u doing up at this time? " how are you?"
"Oh my God Reb, I just just got home. I was working with an Asian client... He was so nice...he had a son...we ate these foods and... I could not stop thinking of you..."
"So nice to hear from you... sounds like you had a good day"
"I had a good day so nice to hear from you too, you know the phone works two ways.."
"I know... your just busy all the time lol"
"I'm busy but I make time for you, will always remind u that?"
"Yeah...the last thing I want to do is annoy the shit out of u about my day lol"
Lollollollo I'm not annoyed by you at all"
"Well have a good night...hopefu lly we get to hang out soon"
"Ok"
Our relationship will flatline and then he comes back to shock the shit out of it, pumping adrenaline back into my soul. He congratulated me and wanted to celebrate one of my biggest accomplishment ...I am proud of myself, I came a long way. And I can't be stopped.
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Drunken Porch Conversations
"...you said I can date whoever I wanted, did you mean it? **Or what was it that you were trying to say?" I finally remember to confront him about it before the alcohol took over lol
"What I mean is, that I can't stop you from dating other people... you're an adult...if you want to I can't force you to not do it.... you should get that shit out of your system. Just don't be bringing no corona virus or AIDS back to me...bc I'm not seeing anyone else but you.... I've been around the world, I've ducked a lot of girls, I've done a lot of shit. You haven't. You need to, if you want...it's only fair...so whenever we decide to be 100 percent committed, you're not going to be creeping around behind my back wishing you would of done all this shit when you had the chance. Theres no going back from that...I think it's gross though... but I'm willing to compromise, if that's what you want...besides you got hours in between that's unaccounted for"
"What?! WTF do you mean? That is gross. You know where I am, just bc I'm not calling or texting you all hours of the day doesn't mean I'm banging someone else. You must be dating someone else for you to be telling me this shit!" I said to him, feeling a little pissed off.
"There's no one, I don't have time to date anyone. And I'm not lying...there's been no one but you... Did you want to be exclusive? We CAN be exclusive... I never know what you ducking want woman!"
(I changed the subject.)
"I think I love you.... " I accidentally blurted out lol
I looked away, wishing I could shove the words back in my mouth, but too late. I laughed it off...the alcohol was getting to me... When I said "I love you,"I meant it in a way that I was loving it that hes telling me that I can have my cake and eat it too...and he was ok, even secure enough to say something like that to me, even though I probably won't do it.
"What's the point of telling me that you love me, then withholding yourself? Look. Look at me.., you can't say that and then ruin the moment.." he said
He tried to wrapped his arms around me. He wanted to kiss me, but I pushed his arms away.
"I'm not ready for this shit"
(I changed the subject again.)
"I have a wedding tomorrow but I'm not going.."
"You could of told me, I would of went with you, I have a nice suit in my closet..yeah, we could stay out there for a couple days...."
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Sometimes I feel like he's testing me...he'll say one thing but mean another to see what I'm gonna do about it. I notice him saying a lot of things like that to me. He is sexy and confident, extremely charming and the center of all the parties. He loves when we go out to places together bc he love the attention we get.
After we meet up like this, I pull back for days... I don't know how to be needy, I think most guys are dogs..and he's one too.. I can't be chasing men, I get my fill, I'm satisfied and I bounce. I'm done... and I go off into my own world...unboth ered by others so I can focus on myself. I wanna be selfish, unapologetic, and fearlessly working on myself and chasing my dreams...disco vering who I am as a person and I never want a man to be my source of happiness. But I notice patterns and I wanna talk about it... do u notice them?
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Sometimes I feel like he's testing me...he'll say one thing but mean another to see what I'm gonna do about it. I notice him saying a lot of things like that to me. He is sexy and confident, extremely charming and the center of all the parties. He loves when we go out to places together bc he love the attention we get.
After we meet up like this, I pull back for days... I don't know how to be needy, I think most guys are dogs... I can't be chasing men, I get my fill, I'm satisfied and I bounce. I'm done... and I go off into my own world...unboth ered by others so I can focus on myself. I wanna be selfish, unapologetic, and fearlessly working on myself and chasing my dreams...disco vering who I am as a person and I never want a man to be my source of happiness. But I notice patterns and I wanna talk about it... do u notice them?
I think there is attraction between you and him. You have something he likes and he has something you like. You're both feeling each other out. Both still a little hesitant to be all in, but there is something there between you two. I think the best way to go about it is to just go all in exclusively with each other. O0 :)
There is a saying that no one can make you happy but yourself. Very true. Happiness is often a conscious choice we make, it is a state of mind we choose to be in. 80% of the time (just pulling numbers out of thin air), I feel that happiness is an internal choice. But 20% of the time, though, it is unintentional: people and our surroundings can affect our state of mind and our level of happiness without us knowing. I think we humans are social beings and whether we like it or not, we need people. People enhance our overall experiences. And "certain people" can elevate our happiness level to a level that we can't easily achieve on our own. Loneliness is a real thing and it can affect people's happiness. That's why I think people should be paired up with someone that can fill their loneliness and enhance their level of happiness and joy. It's finding that right person that is the challenge for single people. Some people are very fortunate to have found their person. Other people are still waiting for their person. I hope you find your person soon. :)
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It's no doubt we r attracted to each other. He makes me happy and we enjoy each other's company but somehow I have some intense fears... patterns and issues that I'm beginning to notice about myself lol maybe because I'm still dealing with my divorce n just kinda got out of it. So I may need time but not sure how much time is needed until I can feel like I'm whole and ready lol I do agree that happiness is a state of mind. I wouldn't want to spend my life alone and I know I want to find someone who is compatible with me and share the same kind of value in life. I feel he could be the one but I'm scared to trust myself.
I think there is attraction between you and him. You have something he likes and he has something you like. You're both feeling each other out. Both still a little hesitant to be all in, but there is something there between you two. I think the best way to go about it is to just go all in exclusively with each other. O0 :)
There is a saying that no one can make you happy but yourself. Very true. Happiness is often a conscious choice we make, it is a state of mind we choose to be in. 80% of the time (just pulling numbers out of thin air), I feel that happiness is an internal choice. But 20% of the time, though, it is unintentional: people and our surroundings can affect our state of mind and our level of happiness without us knowing. I think we humans are social beings and whether we like it or not, we need people. People enhance our overall experiences. And "certain people" can elevate our happiness level to a level that we can't easily achieve on our own. Loneliness is a real thing and it can affect people's happiness. That's why I think people should be paired up with someone that can fill their loneliness and enhance their level of happiness and joy. It's finding that right person that is the challenge for single people. Some people are very fortunate to have found their person. Other people are still waiting for their person. I hope you find your person soon. :)
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Now that we're in a pandemic the ex have been contacting me more than usual... he spent the entire last weekend scouting out supplies and food at every store he can get to. Calling every so often and asking if I needed anything.... actually he's always wants to be a kind of hero...He'll be the first person that would run toward a burning building...nev er away, no matter how scary the situation is. He was naturally made for it...
"No, just hand sanitizers, if u can find any.."
"I bet you miss me now, huh? If worst comes to worst, I'll be at your house.. protect yourself, don't travel much...take some cash out.., listen to me, there will be a definite shut down...stay away from everyone... take care and call me if you need anything..."
He bought over
Bags of potatoes
Water
Frozen pizzas lol
Gatorade
Junk foods
I told him I'm willing to give him rice for some of the things he got me... but he left without answering me.
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When we were together. We used to watch apocalyptic movies, talked about the end of days and how we would prep and prepare ourselves for times like this. We would talk about places we would go to, shelters we would built and how we would survive. It was what he love doing.... he was a survivalist junkie and I would go along with it to show him that I was interested in things that he liked. I believe one of the last movie we watched together was "contagion" he joked about it the other day, bc we alway had something to talk about it afterward.
"What if an outbreak like that happen? What would we do?"
And he would break down scenarios.. fill our backpacks with things that he stocked and collected.
Last night he called to check in again.
"I will always be there for you. You're taken care of so don't worry about anything... Don't you think it's funny how we always talk about this stuff and now it's happening?"
"Yeah...., but why was I not prepared?!"
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Don't mind me if I can chime in a few words in regards to your situation and if it doesn't impress you then at least allow me to make lily laugh her azz off. :2funny:
So we have you still on the verge of a divorce and and ex still lingers around. You got this other guy who comes and goes like a ghost in the wind or whenever he feels like to get together for another session of touchy feelings.
If he doesn't know about your ex situation, here is my take on it.
Exclusive is actually friend's with benefits. I don't need to make emotional love with you but here I am, in 2 weeks for another make out session. The habit you are talking about is just that. Blah blah blah, you can date other people if you want but when we are together in two weeks or whenever I have the time, I will get MINE.
If he knows about you and your ex situation and he continues on this bi polar run of seeing you from time to time, it is only because he's shady himself. Baggers don't have a choice so even if you are still working it with your ex, so do I. I have lots of skeletons in my closet which makes your ex lingering situation seems just like a child's play.
If the both of you guys have baggage then everything cancels out. Like if lily meet a guy who has a few kids himself and they can still date but with the brandy bunch music on the background. :2funny:
-
I have issues that Im seeing, patterns and habits etc. Yes, it seems like that. My ex lingers but if you know the story between us, u would know why. I have a pretty active dating life.... he is not the only one.... and sex is not the agenda to this whole thing. You'd be surprise how long I've been without it lol These people are in and out of my life, I'm in and out of theirs. I have these same fears when I was a teenagers.. And every adult relationship after that seems to be the same...Did something in my past caused me to be this way? I don't know. All I know is that I want to be able to get into a loving and fulfilling relationship.. . But I'm not able to, even when it seems like I am...
Yes, were almost like a couple, sometimes he refers me as his girlfriend when people ask. Being exclusive only means that we won't see anyone else...and start allowing each other in each other's life, instead of lingering around the unknown and uncertainty of the relationship. But that's where I feel stuck in...I can't push it past a point, if u know what I mean.
My ex and I are done for good. We try to remain friends and if this pandemic didn't happened, he would still be the biggest ****
Don't mind me if I can chime in a few words in regards to your situation and if it doesn't impress you then at least allow me to make lily laugh her azz off. :2funny:
So we have you still on the verge of a divorce and and ex still lingers around. You got this other guy who comes and goes like a ghost in the wind or whenever he feels like to get together for another session of touchy feelings.
If he doesn't know about your ex situation, here is my take on it.
Exclusive is actually friend's with benefits. I don't need to make emotional love with you but here I am, in 2 weeks for another make out session. The habit you are talking about is just that. Blah blah blah, you can date other people if you want but when we are together in two weeks or whenever I have the time, I will get MINE.
If he knows about you and your ex situation and he continues on this bi polar run of seeing you from time to time, it is only because he's shady himself. Baggers don't have a choice so even if you are still working it with your ex, so do I. I have lots of skeletons in my closet which makes your ex lingering situation seems just like a child's play.
If the both of you guys have baggage then everything cancels out. Like if lily meet a guy who has a few kids himself and they can still date but with the brandy bunch music on the background. :2funny:
-
... deleted lol I had to delete this post bc her stories is all over social media... would like to stay anonymous here lmao
-
"If your not too busy...what r you doing tonight? Come be quarantined with me..." he texted me.
"Would love to maybe once this ban is lifted, if your still around n we haven't forgotten bout each other lol"
"Haha"
There was no way I was going out there to see him...I don't know if he's taking this pandemic seriously. Maybe he is but pretending like he's doesn't care.
I haven't told him yet that I know someone who died of the virus.
-----
I was actually at his house last Friday when I got the news...so in the middle of the night I tried to sneak out while he was still sleeping. I got up, got dressed and was "trying" to leave... made it to the front door but knocked out on the couch while searching for my keys and the darn light switch lol so he dragged me back to bed where I didn't get up until 8 a.m.
The text I received: " ohmygod, ****** got corona virus, she can't breathe and is dying...pick up call pls"
Yes, my friend died three days later.
-----
Late Friday:
"What are you doing tonight?"
"Nothing"
"Good. I'm gonna get back at u when I get off work...get your ass out the house to night"
"Wth, duck no! Not tonight...not for a while"
"I'm waiting for you, just got home...jumping in shower now"
"Too late to meet up...haven't u watched the news? We have to stay indoor... and I'm socially distancing for now, I'll see u in two weeks "
"Your a grown ass woman, there's no traffic, You'll get here in 30 mins or less"
"I don't feel like driving tonight"
"Come over stop being funny...better get yourself in the car and get here, quit playing games... I'll see you in a bit lol"
I get there at his place and he opened the door with a freakin *painters mask on, armed with a bottle of hand sanitizer... he pumped a handful, almost a quarter half of the bottle of sanitizers into my hands and I slather them all over my entire arms and hands.... then we made sure either one of us was sick.
"Been quarantine for almost a week now... haven't been around anyone" I said to him.
"Yea, been working but I've been extra careful" he said to me.
He fixed me a drink and we talked about the apocalypse and how it was so darn hard to just find anything at the store. He wanted a piece of steak for dinner and went to several stores but couldn't find any so he end up buying several bottles of vodka bc he was so pissed there was nothing to eat and no restaurants were opened.
"This pandemic really shows how greedy people are" he said to me
"Yeah, it's been a while and I finally got myself a pack of huggies 24 wipes... I feel bad so I only bought myself one pack lol"
"I hope you know how to use a gun"
"I don't..."
"Well I'm gonna have to give you one of my knives...and show you how to use it"
It was risky but I thought it was kind of romantic to get to spend some time together, though I don't recommend anyone doing it. We walked to the liquor store, around the blocks to granny's house, and spent much of our time on the porch where we like to talk about life.
"I like you bc you're the black sheep of the family... glad we got to know eachother before the apocalypse hit..." he said to me with a smile before reaching over to give me a kiss.
When I was leaving...
"Rebel, I'm going to call you"
I was halfway down the steps of the front porch but turned back n paused to look at him...I thought it was weird for him to say that to me.
"Yea, sure call me"
"You should call me too!" He said, sternly.
" I will"
"Ok drive safe"
-
This lock down is really getting to me. I almost went live on Hmong Kitchen earlier to make my quarantine canned fish dish...but I'm feeling a little under the weather lately lol
I'm mad that people still wanna hang out during a time like this. Please stay the hell away...and stay home!
Phone's been on silent and I don't want to be bothered for the rest of the night.
-
He wanted to hang out Thursday, but I said no... Friday again and I came up with a dumb excuse.I want to be left alone, plus I'm a little scare to even go out too much. Then he called..., "rebel, I'm willing to come pick you up, just let me know. I didn't realized how fast this week had gone by...its Friday again and I just really miss you"
"Fine, I'll come out...but only for a little bit"
"Ok I'm heading home soon... I'll get home by 7, so I'll see you then...?"
"Ok... I'll be there"
"I can't wait to see you"
"Me too"
-----
When I got there he greeted me with a kiss at the door. He already went to the kitchen to fix me a drink. I set my bag down and sanitized my hands. Billie Eilish was playing in the background. He usually have all the lights in the house on, so he went through the house and shut most of them off bc he knows I don't like the entire house lit. We sat down at the dining table...
"Can you imagine how dating is going to be like from now on? Everyone will have to meet digitally over the internet and then meet up in protective gear.."
"I think it's insane but I hope life can all go back to normal soon... I miss going out and doing things"
"The last time i went out to eat at a restaurant was with you few week ago..now everything's closed"
"At least we were able to do some stuff together before all this happened and have memories.."
He stared at me as I took a sip of my drink...
I have feelings for you... he said.
I want you to do what you like, I don't want to control you bc I know how it feels to be in a controlling relationship.. ."
"I like it that you don't care about what I do" I said sarcastically. I wasn't entirely honest...
"I have commitment issues...i have a hard time with serious relationships. ..if I'm not in a exclusive relationship I don't see the point in texting and calling someone all the time bc I'll just become too attached...whi ch I know don't make sense.."
"I know what you mean...but Rebel, theres a difference between committing to someone and wanting and willing to commit..." he said
"Yes if I was the right person I wont have a problem with it..."
"That's what I mean""
We took a night stroll around the neighborhood.
And had many more conversations. ..
------
I set my alarm at 5, when it went off he took my phone flung it across the room...thankfu lly it didn't break!
"We're gonna sleep in today!"
-----
The sun was bright when I woke... I quickly got ready and woke him up to let him know I was leaving.
"Call me" as I was heading out the door. (why is he always saying this to me? I mean couldn't he say something else?)
"No...You have fun and call me when you can"
"I won't be doing nothing this weekend"
"Neither am I"
I turned to walk out and he held me and gave me a kiss... I told him last night that every time I leave, i never know if that will be our last time...and that's the truth, we're at the point where things can fall either way and we've been stuck there for a while...and you can't stay in one spot forever...
-
Things are going down slowly around here... few places got looted...some truck load of felons were dropped off...homeless camp sprouts out of the ground, from nowhere... unfamiliar faces in the night. Crime, especially theft went up... Racisms slowly creeping on the outskirts of town... And sadly my friend haven't had her funeral service yet, probably never will with the way things are going.
So, I finally went to my doctor today. My cough worsened over a week now. I avoided going but I knew I have no other choice...I've already went through two bottles of mucinex and still feeling like crap... He asked me a series of questions... like, have you've been out of the state? Any fevers? I had none, just this intense ticklish itch in my throats that makes me cough like crazy,that went away but came back.
After my doctor visit, I stopped by the store to see if they have toilet papers...there were none. So I grabbed four rolls of paper towels. I got in line behind a Hispanic woman who had an armful of items. She set her items on the conveyor belt and began to take her money out to count...The white guy in front of her, who was already done with his purchased flipped his shit and started screaming at her to back the duck off and came toward her.... she backed a little and was preparing to fight the guy... then OUT OF FREAKING NOWHERE, that mother ducker took a knife out and I was literally standing 12 feet away from them both. Was I supposed to panic? I don't felt shit...my cough was annoying me lol I knew if i opened my mouth I was going to start coughing behind my face shield... I can feel that ticklish feeling sitting in the back of my throat. I was trying so hard not to cough, that I was actually sweating a little... He looked at me, I'm Asian. He was in a bad mood and so was I...I didn't need this extra delay bc I needed to coughed and if I open my mouth, I would of coughed so hard and everyone in that store would of ran for their lives...Thankf ully, I didn't and a few good guys came out and rushed the guy out...
I want a gun.
-
"Remember a few months ago I was so sick...I thought I was going to die?"
"Yeah, I didn't see you for a while"
"... for almost three weeks...even though it took me nearly 6 weeks to fully recover...now that I think about it I know that whatever I got, I'm 100 percent sure it was the corona virus....but you see, we didn't know about the virus at the time.... I though it was just the flu and now I think about it and I feel bad I probably gave it to you..."
"I didn't get sick hanging out with you though, just recently my allergies been acting up... and I also thought it was the virus too but glad it's not... just paranoid"
"Maybe some people is immune to it bc I wasn't fully well when I called you up to go hang out and we went out a lot. I even told you that Ive been sweating a lot... I think the virus doesn't get some people like how it get others... you know Darwin's natural selection..."
---
I think we drink way too much sometimes... but he always like to say that life is too short, just have fun. So we have fun. We blast the music, we drink till we're drunk and we talk and the world stops spinning for a while when we're together. All the noise and chaos around just seems to vanish and we just enjoy the moment.
He showed me his garden... lmao I didn't know how this ass knows how to plants shit
or that he's a good cooks.... and I'm a sucker for that!
----
"I'll need you to come help me clean up the house... as a matter of fact I need you to come here every chance you're free...maybe this weekend you can stop by and help me paint the rest of the rooms..."
"K call me"
----
Every time we meet up it still feels like the first time... sometimes I wonder if this stage were in will come to a halt... I don't know what tomorrow will be like or what will become of things...whate ver it is, I want it to happen organically...
-
He made me a wonderful dinner last night and bought me the cutest gift. I went there with a gift for him too, which we both thought was weird...so we did a gift exchange. The universe keeps pulling us together...yet somehow we're fighting against it like pulling magnets apart... yeah right lol
I casually asked him in the morning before I was taking off about the phone convo the night before and I know this ass (lmao) he's TOO friendly, TOO social and a freaking flirt and I know he's not telling me the whole truth! Apparently some stupid woman (client) was drunk and crying and he stayed (overnight?) to console her. The reason for dinner and a gift? A guilty conscience! And oh all that freaking undeserved affections I got lol
"Happy Easter...Im definitely going to call you to come over on my free day so we can blah blah blah blah.....have fun and drive safe" he said while trying to smother me in kisses.
"Go duck yourself!" I whispered under my breath, hoping he'd hear it as I hurried to my car.
By the time he understood what was said and caught up to me I was in my car, locked the doors and had the music blasting...
I pretend I didn't see him...
Whats f up was he wanted to hang out that day but I was busy so he ended working overtime... and ended up lending a freaking shoulder to some stranger woman...lol
I could overreact but I was nonreactive at this point. Maybe I finally matured? I guess I don't have enough in me to care... or maybe bc the truth is, I had no right to be mad about it.
-
After I went through some of our old messages. I noticed that I've never initiated or asked anything from him before. One hundred percent of the time, he was asking me out. There was never really a reason for me to reach out to him... but I think it's also bc he know I would never ask him anyways.So for the first time since we dated, I demanded to see him....
"I need something tonight!"
"He'll yeah, let's do it, I'll see you tonight!"
"You better have my drink fixed when I get there..." I said to him
"Ok... I'll be there after 7"
My mind was blown away...Wow it was that easy?
He even texted me one hour later:
"I'm getting off early for you, you feel like driving to the pond to get some fresh air before dinner etc"
"Yes!"
When he got off work he texted me:
"You want anything in particular? I'm stopping by the store and will be making us dinner?""
"No"
(I felt bad for telling him to go duck himself the few days ago)
When he got to the store:
I'm here and will text you when I'm done shopping.
Then he called me: I'm done shopping, come when you're ready.
I thought he would get mad and ignore me.. I thought he would say something hurtful and degrading...I was so used to getting my needs denied and the kind of treatment I get from my ex so I learned never to ask him anything during our entire marriage.
Ever since I started dating him, I was scared to death to initiate anything, in fear that he would ignore me or tell me off. And so when I wanted something, I just deny myself of it.
After realizing this, i wanted to crawl in a ball and cry...A little bit of that extra weight I've been carrying lifted off me. Then I had a severe panic attack...think ing about my past and all the things that really scared me...
We had another amazing evening together.
-
On our second date he asked one of the most weirdest question a guy could ever ask me.
"Do you ever think of having kids, Rebel? Bc if you do I can give it to you... just say when"
Those were his exact words. My immediate thought was, "wow, this guy...did he think I was going to trap him into a relationship by getting myself pregnant with his baby? Is he testing me? Trying to get laid? Lol Maybe girls he dated wanted his baby... But I don't want to be tied down by anyone, certainly not with a guy I just met and definitely not with a guy who told me he was going a take me stargazing but ended up taking me on a 2 hour getaway trip to some mountain cabin in the ducken middle of nowhere...
"No...," I said to him. I wanna travel and do things with my life. Maybe in the near future like, in 10 years... I would want girls."
"Wow that's kinda long, don't you think... you can still do travels with kids, you know that right?"
"Are you for reals? You don't even know me lol"
"Yeah I am...lol"
We laughed it off and I forgot about it...
----
A couple weeks ago, he was walking in and out of the house, prepping the food and getting the BBQ grill started... sometimes when he seems super busy like that, I know that he is always looking at me and "thinking" or I'll catch him just staring and like, wondering? Lol
He casually asked me again...
"So rebel, what do you think about having kids? Do you want kids?"
"Yeah, I told you I do...someday, I want girls though."
"Yeah? How many do you want?"
"Two...nothing more than that.. But not now, I really enjoy being able to do what I like... that's just not something in my mind right now....maybe in 10 years, I'll think about it..."
He was standing by the BBQ grill, shirtless looking so freaking masculine and sexy under the patio light, holding a pair of kitchen tong in one hand...
"You and your 10 years....what if I want kids now??
I stared at him from where I was sitting and didn't answer him. I ignored the question with a light smile and looked away.
He knows my thoughts on that.
----
Last night he had the baby talk with me again.
"Rebel do you want kids?"
"Are you fuking serious....You really want kids?"
"Yes I do.... I want a couple of them...I can give them to you... I can give you girls... they will look so cute being half Hmong and ******* I can already see how cute they will look.... let's try for it....I'll give you whatever you want. Serious. You just say when, woman...oh and I want to meet your parents..."
"Oh what the duck! You're getting too serious here...That shits too much for me...No ones meeting anyone's momma...yet lol"
"lol fine. Then what's you're mothers name?"
I told him. He came at me with a hug but I pushed him off like I don't want it...
"Hey I think you're mad at me bc I shaved my face today!"
Lol we laughed and I reached up to give him a peck on his cheeks, I didn't notice it but he always looks handsome whenever he smiles.
It's crazy that he has baby fever but I'm still trying to have fun and sort my life out...so I don't think we're on the same page. I don't even know what kind of father he is... I haven't seen every side to him yet. What kind of life would we live? What makes a man want a baby? Is that normal? A red flag? What if we break up when we're not even officially together? What if having a baby change things in our relationship? What if I'm not ready for it? What if it was the wrong decision with the wrong guy and the wrong time? How would I know for sure he was a good guy? Or the right guy? Is this something I can commit myself to? I'm losing my mind over this shit... i can't trust my self to be sure...and I don't want to go into something blindly.
I know it's weird but with my ex husband, he was the most charming person I ever met in my life. Everyone who meets him, fall in love with his charms and his character. He wanted to get married. I didn't. But I went along and later found out that he was a demon in disguise... that thought of repeating history again, scares me. So I keep waiting to find something bad... to see where he ticks, to see how he is when he frustrated or in a bad mood. To see how he communicate, deal with issues, fix something, I pay attention to his words and action but most importantly, I want to know how he love...
-
Awww, Rebel, I'm happy to see that you and him are taking your relationship to the next level. You sound young if you can wait 10 more years to have babies. Don't wait too long though. Ask him what his plans are with you if he wants babies with you so bad. Is he ready for marriage? He seems nice. I think he's really into you if he wants to have babies with you. You guys should move in together and see how things go. After 6 months to a year of living together, you'll know more if you'll want to have babies with him. ;) :)
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Awww, Rebel, I'm happy to see that you and him are taking your relationship to the next level. You sound young if you can wait 10 more years to have babies. Don't wait too long though. Ask him what his plans are with you if he wants babies with you so bad. Is he ready for marriage? He seems nice. I think he's really into you if he wants to have babies with you. You guys should move in together and see how things go. After 6 months to a year of living together, you'll know more if you'll want to have babies with him. ;) :)
I'm not young...but I don't feel I'm ready at the point in my life to have kids Lol but moving in and living with each other before committing sounds like a good idea...that though never crossed my mind :)
-
He calls me "my girl" and we have a wonderful relationship but for as long as we have dated, we never put a label on our relationship. Does it matter anyways? I honestly don't really care.
Last night we had our first major fight...
We were talking about threesomes (idk how we got into that subject) somehow that lead to other things and we ended up arguing about our relationship.. .
"I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF WE'RE GOING TOWARD SOMETHING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.. .WHO ELSE ARE YOU duckING DATING BESIDES ME...?"
"IM NOT DATING ANYONE BUT YOU... YOU CAN DRIVE BY THE HOUSE TO CHECK UP ON ME IF YOU DONT BELIEVE ME.. YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTIME AND ASK ME AND ILL TELL YOU WHAT IM DOING... YOU'RE THE ONLY WOMAN
IM SEEING... I SIAD YOU CAN COME OVER ANYTIME YOU WANT, I DON'T WANT TO FORCE YOU TO DO SOMETHING YOU DONT WANT TO BC THERES NOTHING TO DO HERE...DON'T YOU duckEN RUIN WHAT WE HAVE HERE, REBEL! BECAUSE I LOVE WHAT WE HAVE AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO CHANGE IT!"
It was intense, words were exchanged and feelings got hurt. But that's what happen when you have a little too much to drink and feeling a little too emotional all at once.
"You still want to see each other? I asked him, after things calmed down a little.
"Well, hell yeah I still do!"
This subject have been avoided for too long and eventually it's gonna need to be talked about. We made up for it and spend the whole morning cuddling and talking about it. We agreed that we were having fun and are taking baby steps...into the future, but shouldn't rush anything. We were enjoying each other's company and we didn't want to put a label on anything yet and end all the fun we were having. Bc sometimes when things becomes too serious it kills the attraction and everything becomes stale and boring...and we both don't want that.
" Can you call me sometimes? He asked me so sweetly as I headed out.
"You call me when you can" I said
"No please call me...lol" he repeated again
"Yeah sure I'll call when I get a chance, you should call me sometimes too" I said to him.
"Sure I'll call you too, drive safe" he said. We gave each other a side hug in the morning and he walked me to the car.
On my drive home, I was thinking about things and it all made sense to me now....He likes to chase the hell out of me and he loves when I get annoyed with it....I'll give in a little but I never let him actually catch me. What we have is like a drug. And that's what he said last night, "we should try some drugs together and see how it feels like, bc what I'm feeling with you feels like I'm 24/7 high on drugs..."
-
Am I the only one not enjoying this and losing my mind being in quarantine? Not that I really stay quarantined... lol I mean I do but I still need to get out from time to time or else I'll lose my freaking mind. There was a huge protest the other day, down the street from here. People were losing it wanting to be able to get out... I am already there with everything closed. Needed some summer clothes and out of make up so guess where I went? Yes, to Walmart! I got myself overall shorts and a bunch of tops and cheap make up, enough to last me a month or two... but the thing I desperately need the most is a haircut lol being stuck in lock down made me realize of all the things I take for granted in life...
Anyways I canceled our date Sunday. We were going back up to the mountain but he got stuck with work. I didn't want to leave so late bc it would of taken us two hours to get there and That wouldn't give us time to do much.
That baby conversation came up twice since the last three times that we talked about it. I almost wanted to say, "I won't give it to you unless you put a ring in it!" But then I remember we're both still in the process of our divorce.
-
I'm not playing the devil here but just brace yourself just in case. I might be playing the angel role cuz stuff like this, the warning and the I told you so, blah blah so yeah... dare to read?
https://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,401156.0.html (https://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,401156.0.html)
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Awww, Rebel, I'm happy to see that you and him are taking your relationship to the next level. You sound young if you can wait 10 more years to have babies. Don't wait too long though. Ask him what his plans are with you if he wants babies with you so bad. Is he ready for marriage? He seems nice. I think he's really into you if he wants to have babies with you. You guys should move in together and see how things go. After 6 months to a year of living together, you'll know more if you'll want to have babies with him. ;) :)
This is what so different about men and women while giving advises. Women will push for the go ahead button but men like myself will give you a concern look.
I'm not here to ruin your fun but always take precautions. I have done and seen so many options that could of played out and believe me, all endings are ugly. I'm not going to stress it again. You will have to live and learn the hard way, just like how we all have gone through "ish" and more. ;D
-
I'm not playing the devil here but just brace yourself just in case. I might be playing the angel role cuz stuff like this, the warning and the I told you so, blah blah so yeah... dare to read?
https://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,401156.0.html (https://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,401156.0.html)
My feelings are conflicted... a part of me is like, wow do he really like me? Another part is like, watch the duck out for this MF bc Something isn't right here! Lol what guy in their right mind would want to knock someone up? I never meet someone who did...
Honestly, I wont allow myself to fully fall for him... I feel he hasn't earned my it yet so I pull back after every time we meet up... but it's been going on for almost half a year and truthfully I'm a little tired of it... lol
But thanks, needed someone to knock some sense into me bc sometimes I keep losing track of where i am and find myself going down the wrong route...only to (annoyingly) walk back to where I was in the beginning. Maybe after the quarantine ends things might changed, who knows.
-
I was making a review and out of curiosity I searched for his company....I scrolled through the comments and suddenly felt myself burning with some kind of jealousy...man y of the people who gave him a 5 star ratings and reviews were all good looking girls who specifically thanked him for something or had something sweet to say of him... I shouldn't of been so curious... but my finger found its way there. It was like this itch, a part of me wanted to see if he had another life aside from what I see all the time... The truth is, I rather not know these things so I calmed myself down and promise I won't go around searching for him online... I won't try to look him up on Facebook or cyber stalked him on any other social media...I think something's are just better to not know even though he tells me all the time that he doesn't have any online profile but his dating app which is still up and also mine lol..
It's so quick how half a year had kinda gone by. We meet before the pandemic and we had so much fun going out on dates and hanging out. And just being our silly self. We reminisced about it the last time we saw each other.
"If none of this shit happened, we'd be out tonight!" He would say.
Many things changed since then. Our whole life changed, he changed a little and so did I. Even though he chased me all these months, I wasn't ready to get myself hurt and catch feelings in the relationship.. .so I was always pulling back. I hardly gave him attention, and some days we went days without contact bc I keep thinking that we would just silently ghost each other. But he keeps coming back into my life and filling up my mental space with thoughts of him. We hang out all the time but truthfully we're both emotionally neglecting each other's needs. He's mirroring me and I'm following his lead but things just feels so...? He always tell me that I should tell him my needs...and I do the same. But I feel like this balloon trying not to float away.
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My feelings are conflicted... a part of me is like, wow do he really like me? Another part is like, watch the duck out for this MF bc Something isn't right here! Lol what guy in their right mind would want to knock someone up? I never meet someone who did...
Honestly, I wont allow myself to fully fall for him... I feel he hasn't earned my it yet so I pull back after every time we meet up... but it's been going on for almost half a year and truthfully I'm a little tired of it... lol
But thanks, needed someone to knock some sense into me bc sometimes I keep losing track of where i am and find myself going down the wrong route...only to (annoyingly) walk back to where I was in the beginning. Maybe after the quarantine ends things might changed, who knows.
I tell you what. I like to work with theories basing it upon bad science but don't hold me to it though. This covid season is like a rebound feeling so of speak. LIke it is hard enough to find a replacement during this time because our single social network is closed for business so what do people do? They will hold onto anything they can "for the time being" .... Being single and not having anyone or any outlet to stimulus the human mind sucks donkey balls. We are not used to this crazy madness and just like the changing habits of a quarantine, we go mad crazy and wanting to break quarantine with protest and resistance.
Not everything you hear is true such as them I love you long time or let me make a deposit in you. In the heat of the moment, people may say some stupid things. It is a playbook that works or perhaps a test of your will as well. Lets try to have a baby and we do really try like for the 100th times but I'm always pulling out cuz well, I changed my mind before the nut busting job but hey, thanks for sex. :2funny:
Who got played here?
This is why there is an old saying.. Don't give up sex until he puts a ring on it. AT least you can keep the ring in exchange for sex. Otherwise, you women are walking away with nothing. Guys will walk away with good memories as you are just another statistics to the on going struggles with this whole dating game shenanigan.
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I was making a review on yelp and out of curiosity I searched for his company....I scrolled through the comments and suddenly felt myself burning with some kind of jealousy...man y of the people who gave him a 5 star ratings and reviews were all good looking girls who specifically thanked him for something or had something sweet to say of him... I shouldn't of been so curious... but my finger found its way there. It was like this itch, a part of me wanted to see if he had another life aside from what I see all the time... The truth is, I rather not know these things so I calmed myself down and promise I won't go around searching for him online... I won't try to look him up on Facebook or cyber stalked him on any other social media...I think something's are just better to not know even though he tells me all the time that he doesn't have any online profile but his dating app which is still up and also mine lol..
It's so quick how half a year had kinda gone by. We meet before the pandemic and we had so much fun going out on dates and hanging out. And just being our silly self. We reminisced about it the last time we saw each other.
"If none of this shit happened, we'd be out tonight!" He would say.
Many things changed since then. Our whole life changed, he changed a little and so did I. Even though he chased me all these months, I wasn't ready to get myself hurt and catch feelings in the relationship.. .so I was always pulling back. I hardly gave him attention, and some days we went days without contact bc I keep thinking that we would just silently ghost each other. But he keeps coming back into my life and filling up my mental space with thoughts of him. We hang out all the time but truthfully we're both emotionally neglecting each other's needs. He's mirroring me and I'm following his lead but things just feels so...? He always tell me that I should tell him my needs...and I do the same. But I feel like this balloon trying not to float away.
My friend from that link I shared above...
well his wife doesn't even know his facebook account which is loaded with random females he been adding to spin his games. Think she should know?
She doesn't even check his phone log cuz if she did, she should notice a few numbers or on this recent case, an mn number, talking for hours upon hours.
smart women may want to find the truth. If she finds nothing, that is his truth O0
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This is why there is an old saying.. Don't give up sex until he puts a ring on it. AT least you can keep the ring in exchange for sex. Otherwise, you women are walking away with nothing. Guys will walk away with good memories as you are just another statistics to the on going struggles with this whole dating game shenanigan.
So.... am I going to have to put a "do not disturb" sign on my self and wait until he gives me that ring? lol then how do we find real authentic love? If All guys thinks the same way, what makes another one different if all they want is a good time? Is it when they finally commit to the relationship and want the woman enough to give her that ring and married her?
I will be honest though, he tricked me good in the beginning...lo l whatever happened, was never my intention... so i feel like I was deceived a little at the beginning of our relationship.. . then find it too late to back out of what I already got myself in... if u know what I mean lol But yes I agree with the quarantine thing... I'm sure once everything opens up everyone will be goin crazy lol
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My friend from that link I shared above...
well his wife doesn't even know his facebook account which is loaded with random females he been adding to spin his games. Think she should know?
She doesn't even check his phone log cuz if she did, she should notice a few numbers or on this recent case, an mn number, talking for hours upon hours.
smart women may want to find the truth. If she finds nothing, that is his truth O0
Men like this is what I am afraid of... perhaps it's just better to be single.
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So.... am I going to have to put a "do not disturb" sign on my self and wait until he gives me that ring? lol then how do we find real authentic love? If All guys thinks the same way, what makes another one different if all they want is a good time? Is it when they finally commit to the relationship and want the woman enough to give her that ring and married her?
I will be honest though, he tricked me good in the beginning...lo l whatever happened, was never my intention... so i feel like I was deceived a little at the beginning of our relationship.. . then find it too late to back out of what I already got myself in... if u know what I mean lol But yes I agree with the quarantine thing... I'm sure once everything opens up everyone will be goin crazy lol
YOu mean you were a statistics?
Let me tell you something I picked up a long the way. Good guys don't ask for sex. It just comes naturally and when he gets it, he should be falling in love with her. You see, some to all of the women that I ever knocking boots with, they gave me sex in thinking that after sex, I'll become their instant bf. They fear that if they don't give me sex, I will be no longer be interested in her. This fear is what makes them wanna give me sex. I could be wrong though cuz some might just want it as bad as I do.
Sex ruins relationship, you didn't realize that? If there was no sex, the guy will continue to chase because of the anticipation of not having it. Like guy girl friendship, bestfriend. After sex, it ruins it. :2funny:
Thus why I voiced for giving sex with the promise of him being there after the sex. Best is if yall are married cuz obviously, he's gonna be there like duh and thus why the church teaching is voicing it for a reason. If you guys are bf gf relationship first then sex then ok too cuz he too will still be around. Anything else will give him options. The danger of it is if he once gets it without being committed, he will stick around to get more of it. IT then will become a sexual relationship and you don't want to go there. Now if it is a sexual relationship and he knows that you are sexing with other guys then he will get jealous. Now wait a minute here. Why become jealous if he's only in it for your booty? Ah, the little kid with their toys theory. Kids don't like to share their toys with other people. Well if that's the case then isn't it also qualifies as a committed relationship if we don't want anyone else to touch our committed person? Confused much? :2funny:
Your blue print is just the same old aged playbook that lots of men played. Just know what you are doing and be careful to read them signs right. O0
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Men like this is what I am afraid of... perhaps it's just better to be single.
Not many people are born to be truthful. They even justify it by calling it a white lie. It is hard to find that person who is honest with you but I tell you what, action do speaks louder than words. When I was in love with this one chick, I gave her my souped up car, my pride and joy and trusted her with it. She drove to college one day and wrecked it. It took me 1 minute to cry about the loss but I told her not to worry about it for I can always get another one. So if a guy is all into you, he will give you his world. He will not lie to cheat or do anything to hurt you. He will protect you and will give you his all. What he values to trust is now yours. My fon is yours to check up on. My PH account is yours to check upon. My house key is yours ect ect
When he's holding back what he cherish as golden to himself, you better watch out.
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Not many people are born to be truthful. They even justify it by calling it a white lie. It is hard to find that person who is honest with you but I tell you what, action do speaks louder than words. When I was in love with this one chick, I gave her my souped up car, my pride and joy and trusted her with it. She drove to college one day and wrecked it. It took me 1 minute to cry about the loss but I told her not to worry about it for I can always get another one. So if a guy is all into you, he will give you his world. He will not lie to cheat or do anything to hurt you. He will protect you and will give you his all. What he values to trust is now yours. My fon is yours to check up on. My PH account is yours to check upon. My house key is yours ect ect
When he's holding back what he cherish as golden to himself, you better watch out.
Good to know.
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YOu mean you were a statistics?
Your blue print is just the same old aged playbook that lots of men played. Just know what you are doing and be careful to read them signs right. O0
I'm not trying to give him sex or anything to make him love me or commit to me. I am doing because I'm selfish; bc he taking from me so I'll take from him too.
Sex did ruin my feelings for him but I'll share that story another time lol. He didn't earned it... I was deceived...I guess that's why his ass still chasing me bc whenever we bring up that topic...I'm still piss about it.
I told him the other day he can go duck someone else bc I wasn't giving it to him anymore. It wasn't meant to happen that he way...I currently cannot stand him at the moment hahahaha
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Not many people are born to be truthful. They even justify it by calling it a white lie. It is hard to find that person who is honest with you but I tell you what, action do speaks louder than words. When I was in love with this one chick, I gave her my souped up car, my pride and joy and trusted her with it. She drove to college one day and wrecked it. It took me 1 minute to cry about the loss but I told her not to worry about it for I can always get another one. So if a guy is all into you, he will give you his world. He will not lie to cheat or do anything to hurt you. He will protect you and will give you his all. What he values to trust is now yours. My fon is yours to check up on. My PH account is yours to check upon. My house key is yours ect ect
When he's holding back what he cherish as golden to himself, you better watch out.
I appreciate the advice :) I guess I'm just going to keep running until that good guy shows up and trips me down or something lol I'm not settling this time...at the moment I'm going to have fun
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He texted me:
"I know your not busy, Come see me, I miss you!"
"I'm heading home, what time?"
"Maybe an hour.."
"I'll think about it" I texted him back
"You'll think about it???"
I thought about it for a while and went back on what I initially wanted to say to him
"Ok I'll be there call me when your off"
"Ok that's my baby girl"
"See you later"
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I barely got inside the house and the first thing that came out of his mouth was...
"My boys and I will be leaving for a week, so I won't be back until Saturday"
"Ohhh so you have me drive ALL the way here just to tell me that?"
"Lol.... I wish I could take you but we're all guys and you wouldn't have fun being stuck with us for a week"
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He made dinner and we hang outdoor. He started that annoying baby talk with me again.
"If we have a baby, the baby will be taken care of, you wouldn't have to worry about anything"
Then he asked me about baby names. And we each threw out a couple names out there.
"I have been thinking about it recently" I said to him even though it was a lie
"Well I think I've fallen more in love with you now if your willing to carry a baby for me"
He came over and hugged me and gave me a forehead kiss.
Idk. I just felt weird and confused at his enthusiasm on this topic.
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We had dinner. We talked some more. Then we went to watch a movie... and I knocked out. But I woke up in the middle of the night and I keep thinking of all these thoughts and couldn't sleep.
Finally fell back asleep 3 am.
I woke that morning and those thoughts were still in my head. It's just a feeling. I think I'm just tired of shit and I want to say it.
"I don't think I want to see you anymore" I said to him as I jumped out of bed.
He sat up in bed, shocked.
"But rebel I love being with you"
"I know but things have changed... I want more time with you or we shouldn't be together. I don't want to base our relationship on sex...I don't know we're on the same page anymore"
"But alot of sex is good! We should be having a lot more of it!!!" He raised his voice and sounded upset
" I want us to focus on our relationship.. . I want to go out more and spend more quality time together."
"Ok fine. We'll spend more time... and No more sex..." he said disappointedly
Truthfully, we sex a lot. It's ridiculous!
He grew quiet...
"What's your problem? I said to him.
"Nothing, just listening to you"
"No your not...you're thinking"
He turned over to me and gave me a huge smile, that smile is his way of ending the conversation.
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On my way out to my car...
"Hey your favorite line: call me" he said jokingly
"Lol actually that's your line, you should call me"
"Ok..."
"But send me pictures of your trip"
"I will, don't forget I'll be back Saturday"
"Ok have fun"
He kissed me on my cheeks and gave me a long hug... that day was weird.., he sent me a whole bunch of pictures out of the blue. I know he wanted to see me only to make sure I won't forget him when he left...there's no other reasons. And he does that all the time, even when him or I was to leave for a short time... as long as it was out the city, he made sure that we saw each other in case we forgot each other or something. Or he'll send me picture, like reminders to come back to him... I know he's territorial, like he own me or something... but sometimes I also feel like he's scare to lose me...
he wanted to take me to the mountain last weekend bc he knew he'd be gone this week...my question is, why didn't he tell me last weekend that he would be leaving this week? It feels shady as hell. He sent me pictures but I didn't feel like replying back to him.
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I see a habit forming. Too easy
When in need, just have him say...come on down, you the next contestant to the price is right. :2funny:
After he feast, he is full...he will be quiet for a while until he's hungry again. Next time will be the same game. Come on over and you remember to leave at 3am in the morning. Just make sure to bring a piece of his clothing as a souvenir and built a collection with it. :2funny:
Lilly needs to take notes. Do not be that girl. I told you so.
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I see a habit forming. Too easy
When in need, just have him say...come on down, you the next contestant to the price is right. :2funny:
After he feast, he is full...he will be quiet for a while until he's hungry again. Next time will be the same game. Come on over and you remember to leave at 3am in the morning. Just make sure to bring a piece of his clothing as a souvenir and built a collection with it. :2funny:
Lilly needs to take notes. Do not be that girl. I told you so.
WTF! Why is my name thrown into the mix. Tsk tsk tsk, Duma. Hahaha. But yeah, most men are jerks. Women can be jerks too but more men are jerks than women. Girls, remember that there are 7 billion people on earth. If you're over 35 and still have not found the right guy, well then, just know that the right guy most likely will never come. Be happy with yourself. Enjoy life. Break those men hearts. The heart of the guy that breaks is the one you can do a double-take on because it at least means he cared about you to have his heart be broken. Just kidding! But for real, I just learned recently that men have feelings too. They are a**holes and want to taste every pretty woman that they come across... but deep down, they want love too. They want a sweet and loving woman who can take their sh*t, who will feed them, and be there for them no matter what, and someone who will not get jealous when they look at other pretty girls. It's wrong af for them to drool after other pretty girls but that's just the way men are built. "Most" men think with their d***s. But after they stop being distracted, their little sad hearts just want to be loved by a good woman. The problem is, most good women will not put up with sh*t. So, if the man keeps being an a**hole and lusting after other women and they go so far as to act on their fantasies like Duma's friend that came to MN for his booty call... then good women will say to such men, "F Off!"... Even so, poor little men such as Duma's friend will still not get a clue... and he will still feel sad that he can't find a good woman... but when he finds a good woman more than likely he will ruin the relationship because it's just in his nature to f things up, causing the good woman to run for the hills... and as true as there is spring, summer, fall, and winter, it will takes years of growing up before the light bulbs go off for these types of jerk men... and by then... they better have lots of money or pretty girls will be like, "No way, grandpa!" The moral of the story is, men have feelings too and they need love too... even though on the jerk scale, they win by a landslide compared to women. I think it will serve women well to be a**holes and jerks. I take that back... it will serve women well to not need men. Again, be happy with yourself. Enjoy life. The end.
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WTF! Why is my name thrown into the mix. Tsk tsk tsk, Duma. Hahaha. But yeah, most men are jerks. Women can be jerks too but more men are jerks than women. Girls, remember that there are 7 billion people on earth. If you're over 35 and still have not found the right guy, well then, just know that the right guy most likely will never come. Be happy with yourself. Enjoy life. Break those men hearts. The heart of the guy that breaks is the one you can do a double-take on because it at least means he cared about you to have his heart be broken. Just kidding! But for real, I just learned recently that men have feelings too. They are a**holes and want to taste every pretty woman that they come across... but deep down, they want love too. They want a sweet and loving woman who can take their sh*t, who will feed them, and be there for them no matter what, and someone who will not get jealous when they look at other pretty girls. It's wrong af for them to drool after other pretty girls but that's just the way men are built. "Most" men think with their d***s. But after they stop being distracted, their little sad hearts just want to be loved by a good woman. The problem is, most good women will not put up with sh*t. So, if the man keeps being an a**hole and lusting after other women and they go so far as to act on their fantasies like Duma's friend that came to MN for his booty call... then good women will say to such men, "F Off!"... Even so, poor little men such as Duma's friend will still not get a clue... and he will still feel sad that he can't find a good woman... but when he finds a good woman more than likely he will ruin the relationship because it's just in his nature to f things up, causing the good woman to run for the hills... and as true as there is spring, summer, fall, and winter, it will takes years of growing up before the light bulbs go off for these types of jerk men... and by then... they better have lots of money or pretty girls will be like, "No way, grandpa!" The moral of the story is, men have feelings too and they need love too... even though on the jerk scale, they win by a landslide compared to women. I think it will serve women well to be a**holes and jerks. I take that back... it will serve women well to not need men. Again, be happy with yourself. Enjoy life. The end.
Your name is included because yall two women are the only ones running around here and talking about or in searching for love.
I honestly do not know what is the good way to catch a guy if you are a woman. I have seen a few and I've learned a thing or two. Some played the trapping game. As long as women are on top, it is ok right?
Some play the hard to get game like how every dad would preach to their daughter but honey, you are not fresh to the scene anymore. Yall been around which looses your card to play this route. Yall can try but do expect many men to be turn off by it and add more losing time and time is a big factor in your dating game right now.
I don't mind smart women who holds all the trump card and is always up on a guy. It doesn't make her a jerk. It makes her a winner if things do not work out right. Once sex is involved, you can't win anymore. He will take his sexy story and brag it with his boys when the two of you are no longer together and you get labeled by him as a tramp, a hoe and what not.
WAtch for habits. There is such a thing as a sexual relationship. It feels like a couple relationship and you two can get jealous too because we don't want to share our toys with another person. You meet up and ends the same, sex. Love development involved? Nah, thus why I said not to be that woman. If you hang out, go trips, go places, development a relationship without sex, then you can see where the relationship goes to grows. Anything else that ends in sex is just that, getting hungry and I will call you but with sex in mind and I will bust the move and lure you into bed. I'm the predator and you are my prey. If you don't get this then I can't help you .
Ok, this is enough and I don't want to go on and on and ruin the secret life of a confused American hmong woman in distress page. :2funny:
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Your name is included because yall two women are the only ones running around here and talking about or in searching for love.
I honestly do not know what is the good way to catch a guy if you are a woman. I have seen a few and I've learned a thing or two. Some played the trapping game. As long as women are on top, it is ok right?
Some play the hard to get game like how every dad would preach to their daughter but honey, you are not fresh to the scene anymore. Yall been around which looses your card to play this route. Yall can try but do expect many men to be turn off by it and add more losing time and time is a big factor in your dating game right now.
I don't mind smart women who holds all the trump card and is always up on a guy. It doesn't make her a jerk. It makes her a winner if things do not work out right. Once sex is involved, you can't win anymore. He will take his sexy story and brag it with his boys when the two of you are no longer together and you get labeled by him as a tramp, a hoe and what not.
WAtch for habits. There is such a thing as a sexual relationship. It feels like a couple relationship and you two can get jealous too because we don't want to share our toys with another person. You meet up and ends the same, sex. Love development involved? Nah, thus why I said not to be that woman. If you hang out, go trips, go places, development a relationship without sex, then you can see where the relationship goes to grows. Anything else that ends in sex is just that, getting hungry and I will call you but with sex in mind and I will bust the move and lure you into bed. I'm the predator and you are my prey. If you don't get this then I can't help you .
Ok, this is enough and I don't want to go on and on and ruin the secret life of a confused American hmong woman in distress page. :2funny:
LMAO! You are friggin entertaining, Duma! Please, do go on. I'm sure Rebel doesn't mind.
Responses to your post:
I honestly do not know what is the good way to catch a guy if you are a woman. I have seen a few and I've learned a thing or two. Some played the trapping game. As long as women are on top, it is ok right?
You can't catch a guy if a guy doesn't want to get caught. If he wants to get caught, he only need say "hi", be a good guy, and the WILLING female will catch him.
Some play the hard to get game like how every dad would preach to their daughter
No need to play hard to get. Such a time waster and it sucks. Just be upfront and transparent. Learn about each other as fast as you can so as to not waste time. Decide quickly if he's a yes or a no. If no... say Pass and move on. ;D
Once sex is involved, you can't win anymore. He will take his sexy story and brag it with his boys when the two of you are no longer together and you get labeled by him as a tramp, a hoe and what not.
That's not true. He also engaged in sex so he's also a tramp, a hoe, and a what not too. Guys can be sluts too. A girl can ruin a guy too if she wanted. So, guys should show some class before they try to talk trash about anyone. But in reality, a guy that talks trash--that says more about him than the people he talks about.
There is such a thing as a sexual relationship.
Yup, there is, even though I've never personally been in one. Heard from others and seen in the movies. Usually one or both start to develop some feelings and things get messy. I would advice to stay away from sexual relationships because it seems to always end badly where one or both persons get hurt. That's why it's important not to have sex with anyone until you are for real and for sure about a person and you know for sure they don't carry diseases. Guys, wtf, aren't you afraid of diseases? How can you sleep with so many women? Ewww.
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You can't catch a guy if a guy doesn't want to get caught. If he wants to get caught, he only need say "hi", be a good guy, and the WILLING female will catch him.
most guys dream is wanting a woman to make the move first. It is his fantasy but may be for the wrong reason cuz truth be known, even if he is not into you, when his friends are not looking, he will call you up after he's drunk and wants a drunk talk session with you.
The only guys that do not want an advance on a female are loyal guys. They got someone good thus why they do not have these types of fantasy. If I'm a chick, I'll go after what's good for me. My double standard thread that I talked about is for women to win on top and to do so, he must wager sex for something that would win her. Ok, you give sex but get nothing in return, the guy will win. If you get sex and you are able to milked him for his goods and money and other royalty. Like in the news, millionaire playboy Italian guy dating model gf and she is now pregnant. Elon must just got a child by a scrub. Both women are winners. I'm taking good notes here.
No need to play hard to get. Such a time waster and it sucks. Just be upfront and transparent. Learn about each other as fast as you can so as to not waste time. Decide quickly if he's a yes or a no. If no... say Pass and move on.
I'm talking about hard to get the booty. Without sex, a guy is at your disposal. After sex, most guys will just turn over and fall asleep and turn into an independent cat cuz they don't need yall anymore. So the end result for any guy who hasn't touch you is sex. If we don't get sex today, we will try again next time. Keep him at tease and he will stick around for eternity because his goal has not met. I'd give him something after marriage though.
That's not true. He also engaged in sex so he's also a tramp, a hoe, and a what not too. Guys can be sluts too. A girl can ruin a guy too if she wanted. So, guys should show some class before they try to talk trash about anyone. But in reality, a guy that talks trash--that says more about him than the people he talks about.
The moment you tell your girl or gay friends that such ex of your is such a tramp, it will elevate his stock. Now your friends want to see how big his package is. Double standards do not live here as well. I've been called a slut, a tramp and whatnot but I'm still in business. NO furlough here.
Yup, there is, even though I've never personally been in one. Heard from others and seen in the movies. Usually one or both start to develop some feelings and things get messy. I would advice to stay away from sexual relationships because it seems to always end badly where one or both persons get hurt. That's why it's important not to have sex with anyone until you are for real and for sure about a person and you know for sure they don't carry diseases. Guys, wtf, aren't you afraid of diseases? How can you sleep with so many women? Ewww.
the danger with you is that you never experience this before. I hope you will never experience it. My first relationship was like that. We both do not know what it is and it is like things just happened. Every time we go out on a date, it ends up like a rebel :2funny:
Even after I dumped her, I was so used to it that I called her up to hang out for old time sake and sex. Did that few more times until she wiser up and said to me that she now has a new bf. She was calling my bluff to get me jealous but that was the last time I ever contacted her again.
Sexual relationship is a stress reliever and when I was young, it was a learning experiences. Everything in that kuma sutra book, I did them all. Including doing her in the azz. :2funny:
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most guys dream is wanting a woman to make the move first. It is his fantasy but may be for the wrong reason cuz truth be known, even if he is not into you, when his friends are not looking, he will call you up after he's drunk and wants a drunk talk session with you.
What??? For realz?
The only guys that do not want an advance on a female are loyal guys. They got someone good thus why they do not have these types of fantasy. If I'm a chick, I'll go after what's good for me. My double standard thread that I talked about is for women to win on top and to do so, he must wager sex for something that would win her. Ok, you give sex but get nothing in return, the guy will win. If you get sex and you are able to milked him for his goods and money and other royalty. Like in the news, millionaire playboy Italian guy dating model gf and she is now pregnant. Elon must just got a child by a scrub. Both women are winners. I'm taking good notes here.
I see. I know what you mean. :)
I'm talking about hard to get the booty. Without sex, a guy is at your disposal. After sex, most guys will just turn over and fall asleep and turn into an independent cat cuz they don't need yall anymore. So the end result for any guy who hasn't touch you is sex. If we don't get sex today, we will try again next time. Keep him at tease and he will stick around for eternity because his goal has not met. I'd give him something after marriage though.
Yeah, it's kind of all about the chase for some guys. But for real, if after sex and you know she is the best and you want her forever, you should claim her. Like I said, it's super hard to find someone that matches well with you. Why do you want to keep looking for something better when you've already got gold in your hands? Look too much or too hard and you could lose that person to someone else who is smarter and wiser. Some men are dumb.
The moment you tell your girl or gay friends that such ex of your is such a tramp, it will elevate his stock. Now your friends want to see how big his package is. Double standards do not live here as well. I've been called a slut, a tramp and whatnot but I'm still in business. NO furlough here.
Man, some guys are such sluts, and so stupid brave. I am super scared of diseases.
the danger with you is that you never experience this before. I hope you will never experience it. My first relationship was like that. We both do not know what it is and it is like things just happened. Every time we go out on a date, it ends up like a rebel :2funny:
Even after I dumped her, I was so used to it that I called her up to hang out for old time sake and sex. Did that few more times until she wiser up and said to me that she now has a new bf. She was calling my bluff to get me jealous but that was the last time I ever contacted her again.
Sexual relationship is a stress reliever and when I was young, it was a learning experiences. Everything in that kuma sutra book, I did them all. Including doing her in the azz. :2funny:
OMG. :o
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I see a habit forming. Too easy
When in need, just have him say...come on down, you the next contestant to the price is right. :2funny:
After he feast, he is full...he will be quiet for a while until he's hungry again. Next time will be the same game. Come on over and you remember to leave at 3am in the morning. Just make sure to bring a piece of his clothing as a souvenir and built a collection with it. :2funny:
Lilly needs to take notes. Do not be that girl. I told you so.
Too easy? Hahaha yeah Ikr. It just feels amazing lmao. Besides that, I was in a sexless marriage for MORE than half my entire marriage! Nobody can believe that shit, not even myself. Ex had issues with his you-know-what, so not only was I deprived sexually but also emotionally. I was loyal to the end. I should be desperate as shit but truthfully, I'm not. I couldn't give a shit! I dated quite a bit of guys, none I liked. Not even him at first bc I told myself I wasn't gonna settled...but it just freaking happened lmao. I guess if that makes me a slut then oh well... gladly take the title haha
@duma and Lilly: love your conversations. . made me LOL for reals.
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He works all week long and gets off late... so most of the time we see each other late in the night.
I brought it up to him the other day in a somewhat rude text message to him bc it annoyed me so much to the point I don't care to meet up anymore...
"Swear to god, If we're always going to meet up late, you can forget about it!"
I was shocked by his reply... he sounded annoyed.
"What's up...rebel, You've been real mouthy lately! You know I have to work all the time, you wanna take care of me instead?"
That's the closest thing I ever got him to being annoyed at me.
The day before, I messaged him, "maybe it's time we let go of this relationship, we're not going no where"
He called me within a minute of receiving my text and raised his voice at me...
"Here I am ducking working my ass off and I get this freaking message from you, I don't want to lose you, reb...love what we have. Were gonna talk about this tomorrow when we see each other...gotta go now, I'm still working" **click
He works so much, sometimes I forget I'm in a relationship with him. It's easy to stray at this point...he wouldn't care, maybe it's another test he's running me through...I feel like every little thing he do, is a test of some sort. And I test him too, in different ways... he watches me closely sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. .. but I always pretend like I don't know he is.
We finally met up and had "the talk." Again, I was too intoxicated to say much. Maybe he waited until I was drunk to have the talk with me.
"Were in a relationship, rebel... were exclusive now...you're my girl... my house is you're house...we're still legally married, don't forget....baby . what if we have a baby?...you want tacos...? Get your passport, lets travel. You're my Queen... knight in shining armor, we agree to no sex... ok no sex... I always got your back, don't worry. We have a amazing connection, rebel... I love everything about it...here's my password to my wifi connection etc etc "
I can only remember bits and pieces of our talk...rules and guidelines were set up... we both agreed. How weird going from casual to exclusive, to LETS BE IN AN EXCLUSIVE OPEN RELATIONSHIP!... wtf?!?
"I'll always ask you first and if you say no then it's no...honestly im not seeing anyone else... on my trip, I didn't duck any of those girls, I'm telling you everything, the truth! If I meet someone I might bring her into our relationship, if your ok with it but I'm not cool with other men in our business"
Wtf?!?
By then I drunk too much to care so I went along with it. If only he have known, I was on a date last Monday and canceled out on two dates, to go hang out with him instead.
It sounds disastrous somehow, this whole agreement thing...he'll say something like that then look at me with a serious look to see what I will say to him, while he hold his breathe in. In my head I'm thinking he's testing me? But I'm not sure. If he wants a on open relationship? why does he always call/text me about how much he misses me? To me personally when I have strong feelings for someone to the point I miss them, I wouldn't be able to date anther person. Maybe it's just me and maybe Men don't think the same way.
I looked at him; slurring my words..
"You know I won't remember any of this shit tomorrow... exclusive, open-house, baby, married, exes etc"
"I'll let you know...if you don't remember, ask me and I'll tell you"
I wish I could remember the rest of our conversation that night. Our drive lasted over two hours... we didn't get home until midnight . He ordered late night tacos... we watch some funny movies. And we headed to bed.
"No sex tonight" I managed to say to him before I rolled over and knocked out on my usual side of the bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night and he was on top of me...
"What part of NO SEX do you not understand, you freaking ****!" I kicked him off me, we struggled and both tumbled down the bed; him dragging me to the floor with him along with the blanket.
We were silent, sorta and he finished in his hands...
I can't believe this shit! When I got there earlier that evening, the first thing that came out of his mouth was, "no sex today alright?!" All the while he walked around the house with only his briefs on... like he was going to shower but never did. We need to reset this relationship..
I still don't know what we are. I felt like our talk went in circle, back to where it was at square one. Lmao
I'm not going to put up with this,.. or maybe I should go along and see where it leads even when I know I'm losing my feel for things and had voice it to him about it. He keeps wanting to continue...and I keep holding on to shit. But now that I'm sobered, I'm not willing to accept this crap of being open to others.
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"I'll always ask you first and if you say no then it's no...honestly im not seeing anyone else... on my trip, I didn't duck any of those girls, I'm telling you everything, the truth! If I meet someone I might bring her into our relationship, if your ok with it but I'm not cool with other men in our business"
This is not healthy. He can bring a chick into a 3some and you can not bring another guy into it? Sounds like trouble to me.
Sexual relationship is a no respect relationship. I touch you if I wanted to. I'll rape you next attitude.
You be careful there. You dancing on thin lines there and sounds like you are getting conned by a sexual predator.
"drunk, getting on top of you" yep, sounds like it
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"I'll always ask you first and if you say no then it's no...honestly im not seeing anyone else... on my trip, I didn't duck any of those girls, I'm telling you everything, the truth! If I meet someone I might bring her into our relationship, if your ok with it but I'm not cool with other men in our business"
This is not healthy. He can bring a chick into a 3some and you can not bring another guy into it? Sounds like trouble to me.
Sexual relationship is a no respect relationship. I touch you if I wanted to. I'll rape you next attitude.
You be careful there. You dancing on thin lines there and sounds like you are getting conned by a sexual predator.
"drunk, getting on top of you" yep, sounds like it
He say he's not down with gay shit. Eventually this won't be a healthy relationship bc if I am given free range to do what I want with no boundaries, I will mind as will go all the way and do my thing while I'm with him and have my cake and eat it too. What kind of relationship would that be? It doesn't feel like it's a relationship to me. But If he really want an open relationship that bad, i will make sure it's fair or else we shouldn't be in a relationship together. I know he'll say shit but ultimately in the end he usually cave and do it... it's just me who don't want it... I'm not even sure at this point...
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He say he's not down with gay shit. Eventually this won't be a healthy relationship bc if I am given free range to do what I want with no boundaries, I will mind as will go all the way and do my thing while I'm with him and have my cake and eat it too. What kind of relationship would that be? It doesn't feel like it's a relationship to me. But If he really want an open relationship that bad, i will make sure it's fair or else we shouldn't be in a relationship together. I know he'll say shit but ultimately in the end he usually cave and do it... it's just me who don't want it... I'm not even sure at this point...
Whatever the case, it is still unhealthy. Might even be harmful in some way or form unless you are immune like myself, I give sex to ugly women too.
I do not know the implication to what you will endure as in your emotional support and what not. All I know is that the guy is now the winner and will and can walk away without an ounce of guilt while the women can linger on and on. Like all the women that I did them wrong, I have no idea but I now have a name for them. I call them my Rebel. :2funny:
I just hope you will turn out to be ok. Don't turn the tables and be like a guy with the I don't give a chit attitude even if I fawk and run. It will give you a label like a superdupa hole tramp.
Now I'm curious. What would it be like if you fawk someone who is like yourself? A tramp vs a tramp. I'm coming to mn from july 2nd to july 12th. I'm just saying ;D
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Whatever the case, it is still unhealthy. Might even be harmful in some way or form unless you are immune like myself, I give sex to ugly women too.
I do not know the implication to what you will endure as in your emotional support and what not. All I know is that the guy is now the winner and will and can walk away without an ounce of guilt while the women can linger on and on. Like all the women that I did them wrong, I have no idea but I now have a name for them. I call them my Rebel. :2funny:
I just hope you will turn out to be ok. Don't turn the tables and be like a guy with the I don't give a chit attitude even if I fawk and run. It will give you a label like a superdupa hole tramp.
Now I'm curious. What would it be like if you fawk someone who is like yourself? A tramp vs a tramp. I'm coming to mn from july 2nd to july 12th. I'm just saying ;D
:( :( so what now? Break up with him? Other than him wanting to be in an open relationship, our relationship is pretty darn good. He keeps his words, makes me priority and is always consistent etc. I think he's testing to see if I'm a hoe Lmao. how do I come out of this being the winner? I really don't want to be in an open relationship and not looking to date anyone else for now... I think I would need to be alone for a long time to detox from dating lmao
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:( :( so what now? Break up with him? Other than him wanting to be in an open relationship, our relationship is pretty darn good. He keeps his words, makes me priority and is always consistent etc. I think he's testing to see if I'm a hoe Lmao. how do I come out of this being the winner? I really don't want to be in an open relationship and not looking to date anyone else for now... I think I would need to be alone for a long time to detox from dating lmao
I'm not captain to save any hole. I'm just a messenger boy who gives out hints cuz the relationship game is an ugly arena, all depending on your situation.
If I have a plan for you, I would like for you to come out on top and call it a day. Just don't be someone's user is what I'm saying here. I don't know the degree of your so called rendezvous but so far, I'm not getting the happily ever after vibes. Yall both are a bi products of your own destruction. Yall in too deep. I can't tell you what will come out of it and it is for you to decide.
Like I said. Quarantine is making it harder for people to date so people would love to have something that you have right now cuz loneliness and covid is not good for anybody.
What you need is a friend. Or jesus. At least they don't fawk with you. :2funny:
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I'm not captain to save any hole. I'm just a messenger boy who gives out hints cuz the relationship game is an ugly arena, all depending on your situation.
If I have a plan for you, I would like for you to come out on top and call it a day. Just don't be someone's user is what I'm saying here. I don't know the degree of your so called rendezvous but so far, I'm not getting the happily ever after vibes. Yall both are a bi products of your own destruction. Yall in too deep. I can't tell you what will come out of it and it is for you to decide.
Like I said. Quarantine is making it harder for people to date so people would love to have something that you have right now cuz loneliness and covid is not good for anybody.
What you need is a friend. Or jesus. At least they don't fawk with you. :2funny:
Sick of relationships. I need a break from this crap! If he really want me, he have better give me the keys to his house. Screw the ring and everything else! I'm done, for reals lmao
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Sick of relationships. I need a break from this crap! If he really want me, he have better give me the keys to his house. Screw the ring and everything else! I'm done, for reals lmao
Everyone got a game plan. If they do not see you in their future then the game gets more exciting. It is more of a question of they can't instead. I like you, we slept together but I can't because my ex is still in the picture and I may get back with her or I will never break up with my current for you due to the loyalty establishments that they already built upon. So where does that leads you? Well from the guy's point of view, he plays by the no care, no scare standards. He's not invested in worrying about the conclusion of the story. If you are bothered by it then it is on you.
you see, some women plays by the conclusion game thus why they engaged in the game in the first place. To them, they see a happy ending but for the guys, nope and maybe to a never. The only way for true relationship to work is if you 2 sees the same conclusion. This only happens if non of yall have baggage and this is your first love so of speak. It lessen the complication state. If yall get in to deep then no baggage around to deter yall from taking it to the next level.
Here's something you may not know and if it helps you out if any. Lets say yall are done like really done. You will be a part of his imagination from here on out. In other words, when he jacks off, you will be in his thoughts. Not as romantic I know but hey, just thought you need to hear that. :2funny:
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Everyone got a game plan. If they do not see you in their future then the game gets more exciting. It is more of a question of they can't instead. I like you, we slept together but I can't because my ex is still in the picture and I may get back with her or I will never break up with my current for you due to the loyalty establishments that they already built upon. So where does that leads you? Well from the guy's point of view, he plays by the no care, no scare standards. He's not invested in worrying about the conclusion of the story. If you are bothered by it then it is on you.
you see, some women plays by the conclusion game thus why they engaged in the game in the first place. To them, they see a happy ending but for the guys, nope and maybe to a never. The only way for true relationship to work is if you 2 sees the same conclusion. This only happens if non of yall have baggage and this is your first love so of speak. It lessen the complication state. If yall get in to deep then no baggage around to deter yall from taking it to the next level.
Here's something you may not know and if it helps you out if any. Lets say yall are done like really done. You will be a part of his imagination from here on out. In other words, when he jacks off, you will be in his thoughts. Not as romantic I know but hey, just thought you need to hear that. :2funny:
When I think about it I've already won... He may want to be in an open relationship but he will not find no one like me. He's attractive, got a good career, and lots of girls chasing him to no end... but in the end it's all about how the game was played. He got me good though and I'll give him that... but it won't be over until I say so lmao
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When my ex and I split up, he took my wedding ring with him. It was just a simple ring, nothing fancy about it. He upgraded the diamond on it a few years into our marriage, during one of the worst period of we had together. I get a lot of compliments about how simple it looked but I was never proud wearing. So I kept it in a shoebox, in the closet for many years. It bothered him that I don't wear it and he always ask me. But I never told him the truth. And the truth was, it was painful to see it on my ring finger, knowing that the man standing next to me is not the person i thought he was. I actually felt like I was too good for it, like it almost doesn't deserve it's place to be in my finger.
Every time I looked at that ring, it reminded me of all the pain and sorrow I endured being in that marriage. So I purposely left it out on the counter for him to take it. It didn't mean anything to me anymore, it was a worthless piece of metal that will always bring me back to all the sad times and moments in my life with him. To all the chaos...of a time I spent in hell.
The other day he called me about this new girl he had just meet. They were having certain issues in their relationship and he wanted to know what to do. He claimed he's was in love with her and wanted to get her to be more committed to their relationship.
"Do you think you want to marry her?" I asked him.
"Yes, I love her but she's hot and cold with me. I want to get her to be more committed to our relationship"
" you could always ask her to marry you and once our divorce finalizes, you guys can get married"
"Yeah but I'm tight on money bc they've cut my hours at work..so I won't be able to give her a nice ring"
"Well, Give her my old ring...until you can save up more, you can buy her a better one"
He grew quite on the other line...
"yeah and I'm going to buy her the biggest fuking diamond ring there is bc she is the best!"
**click
I can't believe it, he hung up on me. Lol
I called him but I only reached voicemail.
A part of me feel sorry for his new girl. But I'm happy as hell that he is no longer my curse.
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When I think about it I've already won... He may want to be in an open relationship but he will not find no one like me. He's attractive, got a good career, and lots of girls chasing him to no end... but in the end it's all about how the game was played. He got me good though and I'll give him that... but it won't be over until I say so lmao
No, that is where you are wrong. You are a dime a dozen hence the "open relationship" at play just in case he got caught with all his other females.
Free Poocee without putting up the fight. He won and all the boys are giving him props. You women got nothing left but a sad statistics
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When my ex and I split up, he took my wedding ring with him. It was just a simple ring, nothing fancy about it. He upgraded the diamond on it a few years into our marriage, during one of the worst period of we had together. I get a lot of compliments about how simple it looked but I was never proud wearing. So I kept it in a shoebox, in the closet for many years. It bothered him that I don't wear it and he always ask me. But I never told him the truth. And the truth was, it was painful to see it on my ring finger, knowing that the man standing next to me is not the person i thought he was. I actually felt like I was too good for it, like it almost doesn't deserve it's place to be in my finger.
Every time I looked at that ring, it reminded me of all the pain and sorrow I endured being in that marriage. So I purposely left it out on the counter for him to take it. It didn't mean anything to me anymore, it was a worthless piece of metal that will always bring me back to all the sad times and moments in my life with him. To all the chaos...of a time I spent in hell.
The other day he called me about this new girl he had just meet. They were having certain issues in their relationship and he wanted to know what to do. He claimed he's was in love with her and wanted to get her to be more committed to their relationship.
"Do you think you want to marry her?" I asked him.
"Yes, I love her but she's hot and cold with me. I want to get her to be more committed to our relationship"
" you could always ask her to marry you and once our divorce finalizes, you guys can get married"
"Yeah but I'm tight on money bc they've cut my hours at work..so I won't be able to give her a nice ring"
"Well, Give her my old ring...until you can save up more, you can buy her a better one"
He grew quite on the other line...
"yeah and I'm going to buy her the biggest fuking diamond ring there is bc she is the best!"
**click
I can't believe it, he hung up on me. Lol
I called him but I only reached voicemail.
A part of me feel sorry for his new girl. But I'm happy as hell that he is no longer my curse.
Another toxic example for lingering with the ex and starting a combat competition war with them.
Life is not about shining and winning. Life is all about content. You don't have to show off that you won. You just be you and other people will crown you as that winner.
When I was in a sexual relationship for 4.5 years, even after I dumped that gal, I went back to get more sex...... up until she try to con me by saying that she has a new bf now and she doesn't believe in sexing it up with another dude. That is when I cut out. When an ex wants to show off their next, it is time to cut. The hell you doing in his picture if he has someone else for? Bragging right? Yall still kids or what? :2funny:
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Another toxic example for lingering with the ex and starting a combat competition war with them.
Life is not about shining and winning. Life is all about content. You don't have to show off that you won. You just be you and other people will crown you as that winner.
When I was in a sexual relationship for 4.5 years, even after I dumped that gal, I went back to get more sex...... up until she try to con me by saying that she has a new bf now and she doesn't believe in sexing it up with another dude. That is when I cut out. When an ex wants to show off their next, it is time to cut. The hell you doing in his picture if he has someone else for? Bragging right? Yall still kids or what? :2funny:
I'm not trying to be in his life, he's always calling me about random things. As a matter of fact, he has me on block both on text and call so only he is able to contact me. I know this bc every time I miss his call and I try to call him back I'm automatically sent to voicemail or my text is undelivered. A lot of time I don't even bother to respond...
What's funny was yesterday after I posted that, he got into a car accident. He called to tell me about it And wanted to let me know that his new girlfriend wanted to meet me... she's willing to drive two fuking hours to come and meet me?!?Weird as duck! He's dated four other girls before her and he had me meet one of them too or it's that they want to meet me..I always wondered why they want to meet me... is it bc he talks about me a lot? Lol I wouldn't know. anyways today I'm meeting up with them at a Starbucks in the town over. He strictly told me that it will be a 2 minute meet up and threatened me to not say anything stupid shit lol.... I don't know why I put up with this shit lmao. We been together so long, and I guess he knows that I will always have his back even though I clearly don't care for him. I don't hate or love him.
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No, that is where you are wrong. You are a dime a dozen hence the "open relationship" at play just in case he got caught with all his other females.
Free Poocee without putting up the fight. He won and all the boys are giving him props. You women got nothing left but a sad statistics
I skipped and didn't see this responds. Lol Look I know I'm nothing special. But I'm not afraid to lose him. I'm not afraid to walk away. I don't need him for validation or to make me happy. I'm content on my own. I have half of my shit together and I know my worth. He's full of shit sometimes and scared to commit and feel like he still want to bang other girls. I encourage him to do it. See if I stay, see if I care. If he thinks he can still keep his option open and do better, I told him go for it. The only problem is that things between us is still good. Why throw something good away lol oh and I told him that if he wants to duck he can go duck his hoes, if he have any. I'm not giving it to him. This weekend I canceled out on seeing him, and I will cancel it every week if he continues to mess with me the wrong way lol he don't like it he can leave
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I'm not trying to be in his life, he's always calling me about random things. As a matter of fact, he has me on block both on text and call so only he is able to contact me. I know this bc every time I miss his call and I try to call him back I'm automatically sent to voicemail or my text is undelivered. A lot of time I don't even bother to respond...
What's funny was yesterday after I posted that, he got into a car accident. He called to tell me about it And wanted to let me know that his new girlfriend wanted to meet me... she's willing to drive two fuking hours to come and meet me?!?Weird as duck! He's dated four other girls before her and he had me meet one of them too or it's that they want to meet me..I always wondered why they want to meet me... is it bc he talks about me a lot? Lol I wouldn't know. anyways today I'm meeting up with them at a Starbucks in the town over. He strictly told me that it will be a 2 minute meet up and threatened me to not say anything stupid shit lol.... I don't know why I put up with this shit lmao. We been together so long, and I guess he knows that I will always have his back even though I clearly don't care for him. I don't hate or love him.
The more and more I read more about your love life, it gets weird.
The only thing missing in this story to spice it up is poisoning and love triangle murder.
I'm sorry to say but you are on your own. I have talked more than enough to tell you what is considered as decent relationship and what I smelling as a rat, horse chit. Take it anyway you wanna.
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I urges you to read what is deem normal relationship in this thread here.
Even though it is not normal happy ending but it doesn't includes all them weird chit like I fawk him and he is allowed to fawk hoes and then we are still together kind of bullchit.
This sick chit is welcomed in liberal city like San Francisco. It almost dances towards the smut S&m, bondage type of sick chit that I'm professionaliz ed in. Anything that wicked, I'm out.
https://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,401156.0.html (https://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,401156.0.html)
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I urges you to read what is deem normal relationship in this thread here.
Even though it is not normal happy ending but it doesn't includes all them weird chit like I fawk him and he is allowed to fawk hoes and then we are still together kind of bullchit.
This sick chit is welcomed in liberal city like San Francisco. It almost dances towards the smut S&m, bondage type of sick chit that I'm professionaliz ed in. Anything that wicked, I'm out.
https://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,401156.0.html (https://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,401156.0.html)
I've been in semi toxic relationship almost my whole life. What is considered normal anyways?? I'm still trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with another person. Obviously I don't know how to be in one lol
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I'm drifting away like a balloon into the night and then he comes back around, catches my strings and pulls me back to earth again. Sometimes I feel like I'm this lost little naive girl navigating the storm of life but other time I feel like this grown ass warrior woman who ain't going to put up with shit and aren't afraid to walk away from something that's not good enough for me.
I told him on three occasions that maybe we should split, that perhaps it was time to let go. Each time, he stops me, flip his shit on me or convince me somehow to stay. The last time was last week... I don't know why I keep feeling the need to break away from him, not like we already don't have enough space between us...he called me immediately and told me that it's not going to happen, he loved everything about our relationship, loved our connection and that we both are still good and together. The day after that, he went into the dating site we both meet and updated his profile pictures...... .I flipped my shit!!! Lmao I confronted him about it. He though I was funny. He finally texted me, "chill out! Everything's gonna be alright!" After I told him I can't stand his ass...
My guy is pretty hot, I'm not going to lie about it. Most of my friends have mini crushes on him and whenever we hit the clubs, girls be buying him drinks...or he'll get into that threesome conversation, and girls be trying to add me on to their Instagram, thinking we are really looking...or sometimes I think they do that to get to him. I'm never jealous about it though ok maybe a little...but here I am, for a long time, letting him roam alone. Maybe I'll lose him, maybe I won't! But I know one thing...I don't want to tell a grown ass man what to do, I want him to do what he wants bc I want to see how he is..
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I took him for granted... I did. I didn't know it would be so hard to let go and to walk away. It's like I'm prepping myself for days, trying to find ways to fix things...remin ding myself of the things he said... remembering all the memories we shared. And especially the first time we meet, makes me cry. I went to work today and inside I was shedding tears, I blinked many times so the tears won't fall and silently it drops down from behind my eyes and down my nostril to my throats. every time i think it's the last time, it's not. And he always remind me that, we have many trips to go on or many walks to continue etc. I'm drifting away and so is he.
He asked me a favor, and for this particular thing he asked me to do for him, were all the information of all his personal things, like his work address, his moms name, his full names. And birthdays, very personal things. It's as though he wants me to still be able to find him one day if we were to leave each other.
We went rock collecting, and I found him two very black grayish rocks that shaped like a box... when I went by this house, he stacked my rocks on top of all his rock collections in the center of his yard. I pretended like I didn't know which on was mine... my starwar shirt, he kept along with my bandana that I used to cover my face. I kept the flowers he gave me on one of our walks.... we finished watching that movie together that we never finished, something about missy. We cuddled and he said
"rebel I want you to take advantage of our time together!"
That day we drunk all evening into the night, and drunk some more, we ate and we light some fire outside... we stargaze in the yard...we looked at each other a lot... and he drunk all night until the middle of night. I thought it was strange. The last trip we went on he said, "I'm always going to be there for you!" But he was drunk so I didn't know how to take it. I told him the same thing.
Its Father's Day weekend and I had something planned for him, but I'm not sure he will go by the way he sound. This was planned months ago...
We got into an argument on text this mornings, no matter how mad I was he keep throwing water at it...cooling the situation down. I know we're getting there but why am I so scared? It's like I'm preparing for a death to occur... and I know he feels the same...
I still think he is the love of my life...and what if he is?
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You guys need to get all of your feelings out in the open. Tell him you want to be exclusive, that you'll never be OK with having a threesome. Will he be OK with that; will he respect your wishes? Likewise, will you respect his wishes and what he wants?
Do you guys want each other enough to commit to one another?
Questions you guys need to ask each other.
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You guys need to get all of your feelings out in the open. Tell him you want to be exclusive, that you'll never be OK with having a threesome. Will he be OK with that; will he respect your wishes? Likewise, will you respect his wishes and what he wants?
Do you guys want each other enough to commit to one another?
Questions you guys need to ask each other.
Im
Not sure what he wants at the moment... I think we both need sometime to think things through now... but he always wants the threesome lol it's crazy, I don't and not interested but if that's what he wants he should do it with someone else lmao
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I went for a drive and I cried my eyes out. It was hard to see especially at night and my eyes are all watery. My mom wouldn't leave me alone..so I had no choice but to get out of the house she thought something bad had happened but it's a lot of other things.... my dog also left the yard and I can't find him for over two days now. And I feel like my guy is slipping away from me. There are moments I feel great and sometimes I feel really shitty like I should get away for a while. My head throbs and my mind is overwhelmed with things and my eyes are puffy...
My ex went through a horrible break up and I help him get his girl back. Took him out to get something to drink, slapped some shit into him , I had him sent her flowers and wrote her the most romantic letter she's ever received. She called him crying on FaceTime. He never thanked me for all the help I give him. But I don't care... I am not in the best place right now and he is not the best person to ask for help. I will get over this even though we haven't officially broken up. And honestly it doesn't seem like he we will break up with me...bc if he wanted to he would of already but I know it's there and I don't want to admit to it. The thing is that we get along well, don't have any problems... things just got boring I guess or maybe he found someone else but too scare to let me go... I don't like to be strung along so I'm going to do the best that I can... find my passion again, chase my dreams again, and live the best life I can live... I will not allow this to bring me down... I will not let him break me.
You knows funny? Every single time we go out... he always ends up getting something free... like when we hang out and go to Starbucks, he gets free coffee. Or when we went in our trip together, and stopping to pick up shit, someone will pay for his shit. And wh will come back to the car wondering why. When we go to clubs and bars, he gets free drinks or someone will pay for it and they'll pay for mine. It happens all the time and I always ask him if that happen to him and he said no, that it was weird it happens all the time when we are together. Other things that happened, people will ask us for help...whether it's a car that's broken down or a car that got stuck or a cat that's stuck in a tree... it's endless and weird that happens all the time when we're together. But then I have to take into consideration that he is a natural flirt and have a certain aura around him that attracts people. And when we're together that energy we both have is so much stronger. He's like my Clyde...
The only thing we're the most different in is that we don't eat the same kind of foods. I like Asian/Mexican food. He likes to eat fancy shit from fancy restaurants...
Ok now that I'm getting into this, I notice a pattern I do in most of my relationships. .... even though I may want a relationship.. . i don't want to be tied down to it. Hard to explain but the reason I love this relationship with him is bc he don't give a duck what I'm up to (long as hes not cheating) and I don't too but we respect and have love for each other. Don't know if that's normal...I still want to be unattainable and feel more alive when I am. In most of my relationships, the guy usually get too involved too quick n I lose interest..
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I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't sound healthy. I think you both are not clear and not on the same page with what you both want.
Also, I think you have insecurities and fears, both about him and about what a relationship should be. You should think through what your insecurities and fears are.
I sense that your insecurities and fears (whether known or unknown to you) are making you manipulate your thoughts and feelings. You are justifying what you are not getting. That's probably how you cope with the unknowns and the uncertainties. You try to justify things and you try to make sense of your feelings and others. It can all be so confusing. I understand because I've been there. But, Rebel, I hope you own what your heart really wants. Be clear about that, and don't be ashamed to ask for what you want and need. You deserve the best. So, remember to be kind to yourself... That includes knowing what you really want, and that your partner respects your wishes and desires and gives you what you want out of a relationship. And if he is not giving you what you want, give yourself permission to walk away. Because, remember, you deserve the best. Life is short.
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I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't sound healthy. I think you both are not clear and not on the same page with what you both want.
Also, I think you have insecurities and fears, both about him and about what a relationship should be. You should think through what your insecurities and fears are.
I sense that your insecurities and fears (whether known or unknown to you) are making you manipulate your thoughts and feelings. You are justifying what you are not getting. That's probably how you cope with the unknowns and the uncertainties. You try to justify things and you try to make sense of your feelings and others. It can all be so confusing. I understand because I've been there. But, Rebel, I hope you own what your heart really wants. Be clear about that, and don't be ashamed to ask for what you want and need. You deserve the best. So, remember to be kind to yourself... That includes knowing what you really want, and that your partner respects your wishes and desires and gives you what you want out of a relationship. And if he is not giving you what you want, give yourself permission to walk away. Because, remember, you deserve the best. Life is short.
Thanks Lilly, I appreciate your kind words. It's not healthy but So hard to let go. I have a lot of insecurities, I don't always show him lol in the end I know what best and maybe I need clarity... I know sometimes I always need reassurance from him but try not to be annoying so I let it go and it eats at me...lol
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He tells me this story more than five times since we've been together. I always wondered why he always bring it up to me..recently it was brought up again to me a few days ago...
So he regularly see this hot girl at Starbucks and almost every time they see each other, they'll chat and she'll buy him coffee...
"Shes so freakin hot and I would of never knew she's married! She doesn't seem like she is so I always thought she was single! She never once mention it!"
So one day she asked him to go do a job estimation at her house. When he got there at the house, he found out that the hot girl was married and the man at the house was her husband. He ended up getting the job done and asked him for the hot girl for the payment.
The guys said, "yeah, she's my wife but I have no ducken idea where the duck she is, she's does her own thing and we see each other when we do. If you want to know where she is, you gotta call her and chase her down to get a hold of her!"
(And that's word for word on how he say it lol)
He always tells me how blown away he is by their relationship.
"I can't believe a guy like that would let his wife, who is hot as hell do her own things... they're so secure in their relationship it's unbelievable.. . I'm actually kind of jealous!"
I would ask him
"Is that the kind of relationship you like?"
I don't think he ever answer me.
But one time he said," wish my ex was like that. She's insecure and I know that when we get back together, things might seem cool but after a day or two she back to being the same and you can't fix that"
I always feel like he's referring this story to our relationship. We are like that. We do our own shit then meet up once a week when we can. But what kind of relationship is that? It's almost like your not together but when you do, it's always the most amazing high ever! And then we plan trips together and do crazy things, like drinking until we pass out and acting like teenagers n having the time of our life! After a day or two, we'll need our space again, recharge and regroup and go back to doing our own shit... and it starts all over again.
I'm not used to it... but we accidentally found ourself in this kind of relationship.. . him bringing this up to me always makes me curious even though I'm sure he likes things this way between us...
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Rebel, you definitely need to talk to him about all the concerns you have. You need to set boundaries with him. He needs to hear you out and respect your feelings and your thoughts on things.
Things that stick out to me that you need to address with him:
1. You want you two to be exclusive... That means he can never have a threesome or see anyone else besides you. Is he OK with that?
2. You don't want to be insecure but for you to not be insecure, you need xyz from him. For example, he needs to stay in constant communication with you, he cannot flirt with other girls, etc.
3. You want to see him more than 1 time a week. You want to see him 3-4 times a week, maybe.
4. List whatever other concerns you have.
5. List whatever other things you need from him.
Based on his answers, you can decide if you want to continue with him or not.
Having fun and having the best time with someone is great, but it's not sustainable and not a long-term relationship if it's only short-lived or if it only happens in spurts. You need ALL these things and not just a few: excellent communication, respect, trust, honesty, love, time with each other, commitment, chemistry, same relationship and same life goals.
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Thanks Lilly, I appreciate your kind words. It's not healthy but So hard to let go. I have a lot of insecurities, I don't always show him lol in the end I know what best and maybe I need clarity... I know sometimes I always need reassurance from him but try not to be annoying so I let it go and it eats at me...lol
It's normal to have insecurities in the beginning. But over time, he should calm your insecurities and build trust with you through his actions. Words are not enough. He needs to prove to you that you're the only one.
He should be understanding regarding your insecurities, if he has given you reason to be insecure. But if he hasn't given you reason but you continuously show insecurity, that could be a turn off for him too.
You should share your insecurities with him. And he should reassure you more. If love is equally there between you guys, I believe that with time, you will trust him more and you won't be as insecure. But woman, I have an issue with just knowing that he desires a threesome. I don't think I can ever get that out of my head if I were you. I'd always be looking at my back wondering if he's eyeing someone he'd like to have a threesome with. I don't think I can live like that. Too stressful. But you know him best and you know your situation best. Do what makes you happy. Just know what you are getting yourself into. Don't be naive.
Anyway, I hope it works out for you guys. But for sure, you guys have a lot of talking and "understanding each other" and maybe compromising to do. Again, wish you the best and good luck.
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The more you read into your story, the more I'm fawked up in the head and here's why.
Your case is a case of mental manipulation, sheltered and controlled like a kidnapper who kept their victim in the basement, all locked up and from time to time would give them some crack so they can get their high. Rinse and repeat this and you know what all meth head looks like in the end? They looked all busted up.
Dr. Lily can help you. She is not as disturbed as I am. I do not know how this is going to end but you need a real shrink to weed this all out.
I mean who the hell request for a 3 some and tells you a fictional stories about his fantasy like 5 effing times and here's the funny part, you keep on coming back for more crack.
Almost similar to the mental manipulation of a wife beater, an abuser but at the same time, he sheltered her to prevent her from going to the authority to report his abusing azz. The common thing about all victims in this case is that they say... "but I still loved him" blah blah blah
Get help soon. Take care.
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Love coming back to read all you guys comments! :) sending virtual xoxo lol
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He's so busy I keep forgetting about him. And then he'll text me...
"I'm not trying to ignore you, just want to let you know I've been super busy like usual"
"Yeah, I know"
A part of me feel hurt and neglected. And in some of our conversations I'd tell him how he never calls me and so I'm used to not hearing from him.
"I want more time with you...I want to see you more than once a week... text me sometimes.. call me :) send me something... will you still take me to the cabin? I want to see you soon... are just something I would text him from time to time.
Of course, I don't always ask or say it all the time. But once in a while I'll text him to let him know I'm thinking of him. And almost all the times he drops what he's doing to see me, which sometimes makes me feel bad so I ever ask much.
Or sometimes he'll text me once I feel like I'm over him and have slowly moved on, forgetting about him. And going forth with my life...
"Hey I miss you so much, you have no idea..."
"Don't lie..." I'll text back
"Stop it I'm telling you the truth"
"I miss you too"
He refuse to let go... so I keep hanging on.
We throw crumbs at each other, though he throws them more at me than I do at him. But these bread crumbs isn't satisfying, so why does he keep hanging on to me? Do he think I will always be around? Why do we take each other for granted? Idk
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Time to LET GO talk
"Look it's time for a talk...we're not going anywhere...i don't think I want this anymore... I think we can just give each other a break and see what else is out there..." I said to him
He had a shocked/confused look on his face. Then comes those damn words. Words he uses that neutralizes the situation... and he's good that that! He can make an restaurant manager sweat balls bc our orders is taking too long. He can say one word, in such way that can change the situation around and create mixed feelings of guilt and tension... Idk he can be so chill but won't leave until respect is given.
Like that day at the restaurant:
"Well pay for your entire meal for free! You don't have to worry about it!" The manager said to us.
"It's cool... I'm paying for the entire meal and our drinks and I'll even tip the waitress even though our orders never came! You'll be seeing me again, it won't be the last time" he said to the restaurant manager.
Like I mentioned, we always end up with free shit but it's not that we want free shit... we went there bc we want to pay for it...we want to enjoy our time and things like that. We weren't looking for handout and free rides, what's the fun in that? We want to pay for our meal bc we knew it would be freaking delicious...an d we were there to celebrate a special occasion
But back to our conversation.. . instead of saying ok to me...
He said, "rebel, pack your bags, I'm taking you to New York... our dinner was ruined! Well there's a restaurant in New York that's way better than that place we went to and I'm gonna take you there..."
He looked over the calendar on his phone. And quickly picked out a weekend date...
"Better write that date down on your notepad or calendar... and don't you forget it!" You'll love it he said to me.
We were at an outdoor bar...he reached over and kissed me on my forehead and stared deeply into my eyes... and suddenly that was it... I forgot all about trying to break up with him...he made plans and were back to square one again...
"Rebel, Were in a exclusive relationship and we have to let each other know if we are going to bring other people into it...that's not to say you can date whoever you want outside of our relationship.. .we are bringing people in, you got it? But only if we both agree and if theres no agreement then it won't happen" he clarified it but I still don't like the idea.
I think he's just bullshitting me about the whole open relationship thing. He likes the idea that we are together but we're not tied to each other and gives him the sense of being single and his freedom yet have a girlfriend which i sometimes like too bc I hate being smothered in a relationship and being rushed into something. I want the relationship to organically happen on it's own without being forced...
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I wake up in the morning and some days I hate his ass. Honestly I don't bother calling him, I don't check in on him or care much what he does on most of his off days. It's been like that from the beginning and I'm not in hurry to change that. I don't give him attention, I hardly text him and will reply with short messages. I go days shrouded in my own life, doing my own thing, actually not giving a shit about whether he cares or not. I zone him out, put him on the last of my priority and indirectly at times treat him kind of crappy. I give him vague answers and sometimes I ignore it altogether without giving him a reason. I don't share with him what I'm having for lunch, who I'm hanging out with or what I'm doing when I get home. I don't tell him about the new toaster I just bought myself or that it took me a week later to tell him my dog is gone, but in a short and emotionless text I sent him after I've spent several hours looking for my dog "he's gone for reals" and without much he knew exactly what I mean..,When we finally meet up for dinner I told him about my dog, I didn't want sympathy from him nor did I want him to hug and kiss me bc my dog is gone. All He said was, "fuk your dog, I'll get you a cat!" And that was it. And it was good enough for me.
The thing is, I really don't want to burden him with my life...and vice verse. I want him to focus on his career.., and I to mine. I want him to be happy and not have to cater to my needs at all times bc I'm a big girl. Lol I want to be in a relationship and be free to be my real self, to not have to answer to anyone at all times and calling to check in at all hours of the day....and not having to wait for permission to do something I want...I think I just want a man who knows that I'm always gonna be there for him, be loyal and have his back but don't want to feel like I'm in a prison!?! I want a different kind of relationship, I want to live a different kind of lifestyle.
But lately I don't know what I'm doing lol
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"I have an addiction..." he blurted out to me.
I stopped what I was doing and waited for him to finish... but then he paused, trying to find the right words to say to me, I guess. I can tell that he wanted to hold back as though those words slipped out by accident and he didn't meant to say them but at the same time, he looked like a little child wanting to confess something to me, wanting me to know and accept him for flaws Ive never seen in him.
I held my breath, silently waiting for this grown ass man to speak up. To tell me what his problem was but he was scare to say it. He eyed the kitchen floor and didn't look at me. Was he ashamed? What was he "really" hiding from me? I know something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Usually he's never like this. He's not afraid to tell it like it is...
The thing with him is, most of the times he's this hot confident hunk of a guy like he's from some summery tv commercial ads, other times, he comes off as though he's this little boy, needing my love, hunger for something only a mother could give him.
I hardly call him bc even though he is a natural flirt and a damn social butterfly, with me most of the time he is serious, sometimes he get shy with me. He never flirts with me, but is extremely affectionate. He doesn't take compliments well from me, he blush and brush it off, but I know inside he loves it. He can also come off like a ****, but rational in his decision. If he did t like something,he'd say it and if he didn't like something I did, he'd tell it to my face. He only compliments me when he's drunk, but is affectionate and loving when he is sober.
"Sooo...?!?" I said to him
He inhaled and looked up at me...I can always tell when he's lying. And I've caught him in a lot of little whites lies before but never confront him about them. I find it useless to get confrontationa l over something dumb and petty and usually take him at face value. And if I haven't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't go around assuming, even though I have.
"I'm addicted to my career... it's the only thing that I live for....you see I grew up not having certain things from my parents.... so in my job, I work so hard to make up for what I never got..."
By that time he had fixed me my second drink. I was buzzing. I didn't want to pry into his personal life, I didn't want to push the agenda to the point it will make him uncomfortable. If he wanted to share more things with me, he will. But I knew he was lying. I know that whatever it was, it's not about his career...
"Look we all have issues...trust me, I have mine" I said to him.
People think that I'm in some kind of dysfunctional relationship, to me it seems normal like any other relationship, bc no relationship is perfect. The truth is I'm dysfunctional myself. I always ends up with these types of men...the kind who is kinda wishy washy...damage d somehow... and have emotional issues. It is just recently in this relationship with him that I start to see certain patterns and issues within myself. U know how you think your so normal all your life, only to find that you actually have issues you've been keeping deep inside yourself...?
That night the conversation about splitting up came up again. I think I just need his reassurance from time to time. I'm a word of affirmation type chick so I need to hear these stuff.
"Call me.." he said a few times to me that evening and in the morning before I left.
I didn't answer him. Honestly it's been almost a little two weeks since I reached out to him. And three weeks now since he last called me.
Oh and that story about the lady at Starbuck was told to me again... and this time I asked him questions about their relationship lmao
Whatever he want from me, he's not telling me. And whatever I need from him I won't ask. One of our biggest problem is communication. Were fine together but when we're away it's radio silence...
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My ex in laws are huge trump supporters. Its sickening How they praise this idiot like he's some kind of Jesus Christ. They are evangelist... tongue speaking, church going, and god fearing people who can't see past His bullshit., sometimes it seems like the devil have taken over them...The other day I stopped by Bc they had some tomatoes they wanted me to pick up... even though I'm not really into politics, my ex mother in law, who I always refer her by her first name, started her rant about how democrat is a bunch of liberal duckers, messing up shit and how they try to make trump look bad... when he was the chosen by god to lead the country and the best president In history.. And then, she got into the whole shit about the Chinese virus.... This really got my blood boiling....fun ny why it does when I hardly keep up with politics. I guess it's bc it pisses me off too much, so I no longer watch the news or any of those briefings for that matter... Even if I lean more toward the republican side, I still think trump is a narcissist piece of shit. How can these people not see past that shit! They despise me bc they think I'm a liberal democrat so they like to rub shit in my face, a way to start shit with me lmao i can't stand that they can worship this demon like a god but then again, they all have the same personality as him... white, racist, narcissistic, delusional, uneducated, ignorant, self righteous duckers who think they're godly and perfect and better than most human beings put in earth...
They'll say shit like, "there needs to be a mother duck'n wall... or send them back" when in truth their grandparents came over as immigrants, just like everyone else. So I don't care how white their skin color is...They're in the same boat as everyone else here...they just think they're better than the rest bc they think their skin color say they are...
Family gatherings used to be such a drag to go to bc you already know things will go down. To avoid any kind of fight, everyone always try their best to not get political...bu t it always ends up bad, most times with Everyone storming off which ever way they came from before the party even started, food fights and police got involved a few times bc of this dysfunctional shit, the fact that everyone have different views politically and no one can get along... you always have this three sides, the more evolved side, the neutral side and the Neanderthal side. I'm glad I'm not longer a part That! This year I will be voting and guess who it will be?
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My ex wanted me to meet his new girlfriend. Actually I think she was the one who wanted to meet me. I Don't remember what happened the first time but we weren't able to meet up for some reason. Today I agreed since there was nothing else to do and I had some free time.
They were driving two hours out to meet me. Our initial place I picked was Starbucks but I later changed it to an ice cream shop nearby my house, thinking that it was too hot and we might grab something cold.
I got ready. Should I go causal or dressy? Should I wear heels or flats? I don't know why this meet up made me a little anxious...but then I got over it quickly. I decided to put on heels, a pair of jean and a sleeveless floral top.
They texted me. They were 10 minutes away. I slipped on my heels... headed out the door and on my way out grabbed my cat ear hair band. Lol I didn't want to be all put-together, I wanted to be a little weird, like Halloween weird And thought I looked kinda like a cuddly cat or lion jejejejej
I got to the parking lot and my ex came out to greet me first.
"What's up with that shit on your head?" He asked me
"Oh, i wanted to look like a cat today, why? Something wrong?"
He laughed. I shrugged him off.
I walked with him back to the car and she came out in a light blue floral summer dress. She's got some tattoos on her left shoulders. Her hair was brown, split at the top and pulled back. The first thing she did was checked me out, and was a little speechless. Was she expecting something else? She was a lot shorter than me, even with heels on she would reached my shoulders. She had beautiful brown eyes and a nice smile. I thought she was pretty but she stared at me and it felt a little uncomfortable. Was it my cat ear head band that was distracting her? Jejejeje I broke the weirdness and introduced myself. She was a little awkward...and began to stutter a little and didn't sound like the person I've talked to in the phone...who sounded like a freaking Disney princess.
"It's so nice to finally meet you... how was the drive?" I said as I reached out to shake her hand.
"Oh the drive was not bad, there wasn't much traffic today"
"Would you guys like to grab some ice cream?"
"Oh we're good, it's almost dinner time and I don't want to spoil dinner"
We talked for 20 minute and I tried to say bye to them. I think I've said, "it's nice to meet you, guys drive safe," several times but she stood there, not moving like she still wanted to talk some more.
"Your town is pretty small" she said to me
"Yes it is, there's not much here... just the freeway and mountains..." I smiled at her.
She wasn't as talkative as she was when I was on the phone with her that one time. More quiet, reserved and observant. I tried to make light of the situation and stayed as positive as I could. The conversation flowed with me doing most of the talking.
A bum came by and interrupted us talking, asking for two dollars for food. She quickly jumped in her car and pulled out some money for the bum. A way to impress my ex? I wasn't there to impress anyone...defin itely not him and not ever lol
We resume our conversation.. .Then I said it again, "well nice to meet you, you all drive safe..." she didn't budge, she was leaning against her vehicle like she still wanted to talk some more. I finally turned to walked back to my car so I can cut the weirdness, bc even though i ended the conversation, she didn't. And it felt rude to walk away when the other person leaves the conversation still open. It was then that my ex said something to me and I turned back to see what he wanted. She was still leaning on her car and it was in that moment that I realize she was waiting for me to walk so she can check out my ass.
I drove home. Thinking of what she was thinking... did it ducken matter? Nope. Obviously I don't care. It's so weird that when your so focus on your life, that all these little thing don't matter. I was just glad she had him and they have each other. And that he's no longer lingering around and a freaking problem to my life. And then I thought about myself. I came along way and here I was in a relationship, but unattached just chasing my life, chasing my purpose... chasing my dreams. All that...got nothing on me... I'm free and I'm living it up!
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They probably got home and my ex texted me.
"Did you get home ok? How are you feeling?"
That mother ducker never cared about my feelings...hon est to God lol I ignored it and decided to go on pebhmong so I can post about my day lol
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We saw each other again over almost a month
"I LOST YOUR PHONE NUMBER! WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME...CALL ME WANT TO SEE YOU MISSED U SO MUCH"
I was stunned! I had slowly moved on... I thought it was a good thing to not hear from him... AND it was a sign for me to move on. Then he called me again and my heart started acting weird again. Why... when I was already moving on n forgetting his ass? Ugh
"I lost your god damn number and thought my phone was hacked so I went to the Phone company to have them search for your number... this mother ducken phone works TWO WAYS REBEL! Don't be mad at me for not calling you bc you should be calling me too!" He said
Then I realized that we've been dating for almost a year now and I've only called him FOUR times and texted him a handful of times. Most of the calls were from him. I feel bad. But not really. I think he's some kind of a player... how he got me, I know, is how he got other girls if he is dating others which he always say he's not.
Soon as I parked my car in the drive way, he texted me. "Doors open just come in"
Then I remember he had cameras hooked up but never told me about it. I walked in and noticed that he's fixed up the place...new curtains, a new television set... stings a little I was never a part of all this upgrade...even though he told me about it over the phone..
He came over to me and gave me a warm and loving hug. The kind you give someone when they've been off to war and just gotten back.
"You're so beautiful!"
I smiled. He kissed my forehead and smiled at me
He looked so handsome. He smiled and his eyes twinkled. The moment was kind of beautiful so I didn't want to ruin it.
"Why haven't you called me, what's up with that?"
"I assumed you moved on... you been busy and hardly have time.... I don't know"
"If I was going to break up and end things with you, I'd tell you it and tell you why...I wouldn't just let you go and not say something.... I love everything about you... and I look forward every week for your company, I enjoy it very much!"
"I know..."
We ended up drinking again.
" I'll be going up to the lake this weekend, with my family" I said to him.
He stopped to look at my face to see if I was lying.
"Well I gotta see you before you go this weekend!"
"Ok"
"I'm getting my trucked lifted so once I get it back, we gotta go somewhere... I'll take you to the beach or something"
"Ok"
We spend many hours on the front porch and just hanging out like two best friends who haven't seen each other for a while and talked for hours...
"No sex... not today, not for a while"
He didn't answer me. But I wanted to tell him that before I got too drunk lol
We went to pick up dinner. And came back to hang out some more before we fell asleep. I was woken up to him, moving around.
"duck this...I wanna make love to you" he said.
"Try to duck me and you'll regret it" I sleepily said back to him and turned to face the wall
He put on some classical music and somehow he ended up we kissing...our hands all over the place, all over each other. Then we fell asleep in each other's arms. Nothing happened. And I was glad.
The next day I initiated a text to him.
"Still at work? Miss ya"
He texted me, "yes, still here..thinking of you"
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Omg, Rebel, how did you guys go a whole month without talking or seeing each other? If that were ever the case for me, it'd be over. I haven't gone a day without talking to my s/o. So interesting to see you guys pick back up and go back to the way things were just like that. I hope you are OK. :)
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Omg, Rebel, how did you guys go a whole month without talking or seeing each other? If that were ever the case for me, it'd be over. I haven't gone a day without talking to my s/o. So interesting to see you guys pick back up and go back to the way things were just like that. I hope you are OK. :)
He pissed me off over something stupid and I just didn't want to deal with it so I ignored him for a week... the week kept going by and I never heard from him so I just got over it until he called me again. We don't always stay in contact everyday, it's usually once a week and it's he who calls but that was the longest we've been without contact. It was needed though...lol
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He pissed me off over something stupid and I just didn't want to deal with it so I ignored him for a week... the week kept going by and I never heard from him so I just got over it until he called me again. We don't always stay in contact everyday, it's usually once a week and it's he who calls but that was the longest we've been without contact. It was needed though...lol
OK. As long as you are OK. :)
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OK. As long as you are OK. :)
:) yes, I'm ok for now lol
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He is completely different around me. It's strange to not really be able to see each other in our own natural element everyday. He's a workaholic so I hardly see him and when we see each other, it's alway in a guise of being hidden away in a secret cave somewhere... where the rest of the world don't exist but us. Of course there are times in between where I get to see glimpse of his real natural self and he gets to see mine. Then, it vanishes and we're back to where we were, two souls just colliding through life and there is nothing and no one else but us and the world we created.
Out in the public and among people, he's flirty, social and center of the attention. His aura is strong and people can read it. When he walks into a room, something makes people turn heads. His confidence? I'm not sure. People can sense his presence when he walks through the door. And he knows it, but as much as he loves it... he's humble about it. He's never cocky but more like he's cute about it.
We could be in line at a liquor store and he's flirting, joking and having conversations with the people behind us, in front of us and the cashier... and the ones opening the door for us. Sometimes we'd drive by another vehicle going toward the lake or location we have just came from...he'll stop his car, roll his windows down and hold short friendly conversations with them. People like to be around him all the time. He's naturally friendly. His co workers calls him for advice and he gladly give it to them, then jokes with them. Everyone calls him for one thing or another, friends, cousins, coworkers, random people he just meet etc. he love being at the service of others...he lives for that. He have this non serous side to him when he's with others...
But with me, he's super serious. No flirting. No joking. Straight serious talks about life, our day, future plans and things of that nature. He blushes when complimented and when I get kind of flirty he... just let it go...he doesn't flirt or jokes with me much or at all. His phone calls are mostly to invite me out or to make plans. His texts are to see what I'm doing and mostly to set up a date. No random, chit chats! We talk about life, and we learn shit from each other. When I get mad, he calms me down with one word or message, so we don't fight. He'll say things like,
"I know we both have a bad side but if we get along and can communicate well, there's no point into having to show that side... we shouldn't want to see that side from each other!"
And I agree. I know sometimes I catch him in little white lies, I don't confront him bc I know he doesn't want to hurt me...and I respect him so I never question it. There's demands but it's not to the point of losing our minds over it. We try our best to compromise... yes that's the word here lol "compromise and sacrifice"
He is loving and affectionate but sometimes can feel like he tries to emotionally be distant with me from time to time...so that shit always confuses me... But then I do my own shit too that probably confuse the shit out of him. But it's not questioned, nothing we do with each other is questioned, like we just believe each other and accepts it, however it is the majority of the time. And I know it's weird...that I just thought of this today.... I told him about a crazy dream I have and he messages me happy and kissy emoticons. When he told me he worked 20 hours over the weekend, I never questioned him where he was, "I'm having dinner, get some rest. Talk you soon" was all I said Bc I didn't want to take his time..
Sometimes I feel like something's missing in our relationship, or wrong with us lol
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Interesting, Rebel.
I wonder if who he is when he is with you is his true self and when he's around other people, he's putting on a front/a show? Maybe he is a different person in different elements. Maybe he has bipolar disorder? LOL
Regarding never questioning or not confronting him when he does things/says things that make you uncomfortable. It's good to not make a big deal out of little things, and it's good to choose your battles wisely... but you should be able to speak freely with him about things that concern you, things that weigh heavily on you... He should create a safe space for you to share your thoughts freely with him, and you guys should be able to discuss with each other your thoughts and concerns with one another. To me, it's a huge red flag if my partner makes me feel stifled and suppressed. If I am made to feel that I cannot say what's bothering me to him without him shutting me down or making him angry, then the relationship is pretty much over. I refuse to live like that. A relationship is a partnership where there is mutual love and respect for another, where there is great communication, trust, and the ability to compromise.
I don't know why he wants to emotionally distance from you. That is weird. Emotionally unavailable men are huge red flags. If he is not 100% invested in you emotionally, mentally, physically, then forget it. You should not want to be with a person who is only half-in, or someone who can't give you everything that makes your relationship a healthy and a good one.
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Interesting, Rebel.
I wonder if who he is when he is with you is his true self and when he's around other people, he's putting on a front/a show? Maybe he is a different person in different elements. Maybe he has bipolar disorder? LOL
Regarding never questioning or not confronting him when he does things/says things that make you uncomfortable. It's good to not make a big deal out of little things, and it's good to choose your battles wisely... but you should be able to speak freely with him about things that concern you, things that weigh heavily on you... He should create a safe space for you to share your thoughts freely with him, and you guys should be able to discuss with each other your thoughts and concerns with one another. To me, it's a huge red flag if my partner makes me feel stifled and suppressed. If I am made to feel that I cannot say what's bothering me to him without him shutting me down or making him angry, then the relationship is pretty much over. I refuse to live like that. A relationship is a partnership where there is mutual love and respect for another, where there is great communication, trust, and the ability to compromise.
I don't know why he wants to emotionally distance from you. That is weird. Emotionally unavailable men are huge red flags. If he is not 100% invested in you emotionally, mentally, physically, then forget it. You should not want to be with a person who is only half-in, or someone who can't give you everything that makes your relationship a healthy and a good one.
It seems like he is more relax and loose around others. With me he's more serious... it's weird. I think the whole part of not asking too much out of him is bc in my last relationship I always felt like my ex bombard me with too much shit, almost like an interrogation every time I do anything. I want to go into this relationship secure and having trust. Even when I know trust needs to be earned, I want to trust him wholeheartedly unless he does something that makes me think otherwise. So far, there's little white lies but nothing so big that I should confront him about. We do talk about everything in our life. This time around I just expect men to know their role and what their doing and if they don't, I feel no need to confront them about it, I rather just walk away bc I feel it's pointless to bring things up shit grown men should already know. There are boundaries and I don't make it obviously clear to him but I've voiced it to where he knows if he crosses it, I'm for real am done with it. I just don't want to end up being that hahay and nagging woman bc I know myself and I know I can be very passive aggressive so I'm trying to not be that way lol there was a period he was emotionally distant from me...he's stress out with work and sorting out his divorce and stuff. Looks like he's finally getting it going...trying to get me to complete mine too.
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He said it..., "I love you!...
I was shocked to hear him say it...I almost chocked on the drink I was drinking on bc that came out of nowhere... I looked at him stunned. He got me off the couch... and embraced me in his arms and whispered in my ears....while cardi b was jamming in the background
" I love you... your more than just my best friend, your my lover and everything else in between"
I didn't know what to say... duck is he serious? Wtf I started to feel weird about it... like my feeling for him tanked.! This nauseated feeling came over me and I suddenly was turned off? I wanted to get away from him... wanted to up and drive the duck home...What the duck is wrong with me?
"I love you too... I just want you to me happy..."
"No I don't mean it that way, I really do love you... you know we've been seeing each other almost a year now..."
I guess he thought I was trying to break up with him. But I was just confused and didn't know what or how to say it... and just trying to feel out my feelings but it felt conflicted.
We had many conversations that night... this time mostly about our ex.
"I bet your ex will be jealous when he know what kind of relationship we have..."
"I don't tell him shit about my life, it's not his business...he doesn't need to know anything"
The next morning I asked if he remember everything we've talked about.
" I remember every conversation we ever had..."
I lied to him that I don't remember much of anything.
On my way out, he wouldn't leave my side even when I was already in my car ready to shut the door on him. He wanted me to kiss him? Wanted more affection? He was rambling on and on about me calling him. He kept telling me to call him... I didn't want to look at him, I just have a weird feeling inside the pit of my soul. Even though all these months I may wanted something out of this, it just feels weird after he confessed that he loved me.
"I'm not gonna call you...you call when u have time...bc clearly your always too busy" I said to him as I try to close my car door lol
He chuckled a little bc it was true.
"I'll call you on Wednesday... I need your help with some things around the house.."
I feel like we are just gonna end up annoying each other at some point and breaking off everything. And the reason that hasn't happened yet is because of the tremendous space between us lmao
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I never expected him to say those words to me, It took me three days for that "I love you" to sink in. My feelings changed. I dont feel sick to my stomach anymore. That nauseated feeling went away and it was replaced by a light pulsating feeling deep in my soul when I think about it. Could this be love? I don't know at this point.. I finally sat down to think and process everything. I don't think I was disgusted by it being said to me...., I literally freaked out over it plus the alcohol intensify my emotions...
One weekend ago, I canceled out on a date with him and didn't give him any explanation. It was just a "won't see you tonight" text.
He texted back, " it's cool take care what you need"
And then I just vanished for a few days. I was really burned out and had a hard week. Honestly, I was thinking again, about really ending everything with him. It's funny that I'm always trying to end everything bc I feel we're not moving forward but to him we are moving forward and beyond where we were weeks and months ago.
He keeps making plans... future talking about things we should do together, trips to be made...and stuff like that. We talked about families and our exes. We talked about our debts we have in our life. We talked about the changes we were going through. We talked about upgrading the house... there's instances he keeps calling it "our" house... but I never correct him. We talk about new changes we were going through in our life and what we were going to do later on... our goals, our dreams and our aspirations.
This morning I have this deep gnawing urge to text him and confront him about things between us. He replied with
"Lets me see if we can meet up today"
"I told you I'll be busy today and tomorrow"
Then I went in a rampage and started saying shit to him
..."if things don't work out maybe we should stay the hell out of each others life!"
No reply
"Why do you avoid me like this?" This drives me crazy we should be able to talk things out"
He left for the weekend and when he returned he haven't messaged me for a week now. I know we're used to it. But once in a blue moon, I have emotional needs that needs to be given attention to... and I think he's selfish to not be there for me in at a time I need... bc of his job I hardly ask anything from him...but if we're to be n a relationship my feelings and need should be taken in to consideration too. Latley, I don't feel it is... he is addicted to his job.... the more money he makes the more he out there working... and I feel completely neglected.
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Maybe that is true... we are buying time until a better one comes along and I am not the choosen one. I accept that. But either way, no matter who does the breaking up.... this relationship will crush us both and we know it. Maybe we're not even buying time, maybe in actuality we are scare to lose each other... maybe he scare he might regret walking away as much as I am scare that I might make the wrong decision. When that feeling comes up, I envision a life without him, and it freaks me out. That we might think about leaving each other but to actually do it, wouldn't be as easy as we think it would be. Bc do you know how hard it is to actually find someone that you can connect with? It's like being thrown into the ocean and there's tons of fishes but to actually be able to catch that one perfect shark, having to releasing it back into the ocean is just not an option.
I'd want him to be the one to do it!
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He opened up to me about his first love that lasted 10 years. They had beautiful memories together. They traveled all over the world. He went over how much he still loved her and described the moment of their break up in details. In the end they knew it wasn't going to work... she moved to the other side of the state and he said that he will always love her and if she ever needed anything he will always be there for her bc he knew where to find her.
"She's now married to a wonderful man."
He introduced his first love to me, in a very vulnerable, open and beautiful kind of way that made me felt special.
"I knew I was still young and couldn't give her the best life... she thought we were poor and will end up poor bc we were raised in the hood... I could of married her and we could of had kids"
One year after she left, he got into his career and started making money. By then she had moved on and had gotten married.
"But I'm happy for her because she found a man who can love her the way she needed to be loved... and it's because we loved each other that's why we were able to let go....I never shared to my ex wife any of these parts of my life bc she wouldn't understand it..."" he said.
He took out pictures albums of them and showed them to me of trips they've taken, going over each picture with me.
" ...and I never showed my ex any of these either... she wouldn't be able to handle it or will take it all wrong"
"That was so beautiful...tr uly beautiful. Thank you for telling me your love story" I said to him sincerely
I was leaning against the rail on the front porch. He came over and hugged me and then passionately kissed the hell out of each other.
In my mind, I wanted to tell him that I wanted my own fairytale love story too... but I held back bc I feel like I was already kinda in one, yeah except I'm not the one ***laughing and crying
Then he mentioned about Disneyland.
"I wonder if it's open..."
Porch hang out is our favorite pastime. We drink and talk and do a lot of insane thing there even though it's on a busy road. But a lot of of times it's the musics we play that sends us back in time and give us that wonderful vibes... it's moments like this hanging out with him that we will always remember and Cherish
The next morning I woke up and ask him why he showed me his ex girls pictures...
He said "oh it was just random"
Then I got insecure over something that happened in the morning....
I heard him in the bathroom...
"I texted you so many times, you never respond"
" I'll be there in 30 minutes...."
Where you going? I asked.
"To work... my co workers called me"
Honestly didn't sound like it. Maybe that ex he talked about came back lol
He got ready for work and I got ready to leave. We gave each other a hug....
"call you later to hang out" he said.
I drove off first and was about a half mile away when I saw him making the turn at the corner....he drove so fast and caught up to me before I made the turn Before heading the freeway...
We were both going in different directions that morning. As I made that turn and exited out to the freeway, I saw him on the other side merging off the ramp and on to the freeway going the opposite direction. We looked directly at each other as we both went down the ramp, from across 6 lanes of freeway and speeding traffic until the center divide blocked us from view
That eye contact sent electrical shock to my entire body...lol
On my drive home... I wondered to myself...Why did he tell me so much details of his first love? Thoughts started going through my head... and I began to feel insecure... was he hinting at a break up? It didn't seem like it... but it's myself that I can't trust...and I over think things. And when I over think things I tend to react negatively. I'm trying my best not to be passive aggressive and to stay calm. So I did.
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"If I can pick two celebrities I think your most similar to....it would be Michelle Obama and a little of Jennifer Lopez...but definitely Michelle Obama...."
"Wtf??? Bwahahaha your ducken crazy!" I said to my ex
"I been with you long enough... sucks you don't see yourself how people really see you, you think too little of yourself and that's your problem. But your strong and powerful... with an alluring personality. You have an aura in the way you walk, carry yourself and its bc how you were brought up... trust me, I live in a big city now and I haven't seen one person like you nor had I dated any one like you from my past... just kinda got lucky....my girlfriend was intimidated when we meet up and I could tell... between the two of you, you had a strong presence....yo u overshadowed her and made her felt alittle. That's why she was acting weird and stuttering...y ou don't even realize what you are, Reb... you should take advantage of it while you're still young and still can"
Bits and pieces of what he said to me But it was nicest things ever said to me... The first time he had these conversation with me was over a convo on why I couldn't get my dream job. I was clearly hurt about it and felt like bawling about it so I reached out to him... and asked why every job I ever wanted in my life rejected me and the ones I don't want hires me on. Why couldn't I ever get those dream jobs? His answer: Bc some jobs aren't made for certain people with certain personalities. Your personalities never fit those jobs types you want...you belong somewhere else... if I didn't know you, I'd think you were a big shot from some big company or a woman running her own business. You should just focus on your real dream and you know what it is...
I never see myself like how he see me.
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...lol
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When someone's mad at you but won't tell you their mad or upset so they send you a ONE word text that has nothing to do with the conversation you had just to piss you off so you both will stay piss at each other for a few days because nobody wants to start a fight... I alway stir clear of any kind anything negativity and fights but I'm beginning to feel like something's brewing in my soul... it's been happening quite a lot lately. I told him that we should rough this out and stay out of each other's life...but he thinks it's funny
Him: let's see if I can get out early maybe we can see each other tonight
Me: can't see you tonight I'm busy and will be out with my family
Him: good
Good? Wtf was that! I ignored his text and went out anyways. When I texted him in the morning, which is very unlike me to do but I did it anyways to annoy him.... he ignored me. I know he's mad bc this weekend he was leaving town and we always meet up before we leave some where far..but I seriously need a time out
Still pissed though. I either want to delete him from my phone and my life for good or go see him and throw a few punches and f the hell out of him...lol cuz I'm ducken mad
We also planned another trip soon... but both have been neglecting the hell out of each other...feel like I need some time to myself...don't want to see anyone at the moment.
Anyways my bff stopped by earlier and we had a nice talk. And went for a nice walk. And grabbed some ice cream at the liquor store... glad summers coming to an end and looking forward to autumn.
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Dear DaCurse
I'm not sure if that's the truth. If you know what kind of relationship my mother and I have, you'll probably think differently. But it alway boggled my mind when I think of these things that she's done to me...My family are Christians and for her to do things like this is not the norm and something frown upon if, like my oldest brothers knew but I never mention them to any one else other than my cousin. Even if we were shamans, who the duck do this to anyone? It's just an unusual thing to do, that doesn't feel natural
My mothers private about her past but had mentioned certain things in her life to me that made me feel sympathy for her, but they were mentioned later in my adult years, so Im more understanding of it. I feel she have a lot of secrets. It's only now that I slowly piece some of the puzzles together that I'm getting the sense that there's something more that she will never tell me or anyone.
If you confront her of things like this, she'll deny it. So I don't care asking it'll be a waist of breathe or shell get all offended and its never good bc you'll never get anything good out of it
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;D
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I got into a heated talk while having dinner with him and i got really into the moment ....he sat there and said nothing, like how he always is. I know he was probably embarrassed but I didn’t care, he got uber and got my ass out of there as fast as he could after we were done eating. Sometimes I get so bothered by things that I begin to subconsciously sabotage what ever it is that I’m doing and that evenings was our relationship. I am annoyed. When I walked out of the restaurant, he was walking behind me and said,
“Reb, I love it that your so sassy and crazy”
I didn’t answer him. He tried to hold me several time on our ride home but I slapped his hands away.
All he said to me was
“Why don’t you sleep on the couch tonight!”
That was him being mad. But I’m mad as hell
When we got back, we go into more squabbles on the front porch...
“We’re still in an exclusive relationship and together. Nothings changed...” he said to me
“It’s not even that... I hardly have any of your time”
“I can only give you this...I told you you can date other people bc I can’t give you everything... I didn’t grow up with loving parents, I dont know how to love you”
“Fine. I don’t even know how to be in a freaking relationship.. .SO WHAT ARE WE FREAKING DOING!”
“I hardley see you too... I alway just think that yiur screwing other men in those times I don’t see you... but I don’t want to hold you back”
“I’m not trying to cage you either and I thought you might be dating other people... if we end up not being together, I’m telling you now I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FRIEND... that’s just nice things people say it each other...”
He thought for some time...trying to find something to say but shook his head...
“I’m not dating anyone else” he said.
We came back in the house and hugged eachother.
“I love you” I said to him.
He waited for a moment....then said it back to me.
I didn’t care if he did say it back. It wouldn’t bothered me at all.
That next morning he walked me to my car and gave me a hug
“See ya” I said to him.
He looked away and walked to his truck.
“Have fun” I said one more time....
I’m going to call you... reb I’ll call you”
I didn’t answer. But that was the first time I said “goodbye” to him and he knows why. But of course I said “see you” instead. He canceled our only vacation to go with his friends to another state... it was a good thing he didn’t text me about and instead told me to my face.
“I wanted to tell you in person...bc I’ll need you to take us to the airport”
And it all made sense. He so scared of what my emotional reaction would be for canceling our vacation that he texted me to tell me that we were going somewhere else to hang out... but of course we end up back at the crib
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Is being sassy even a compliment? To me sassy means, a “cocky ass haha” I don’t know why I think that way. I am annoyed. I wasn’t cocky I was just being me and drinking too much before we got to the restaurant. And thinking too much and saying more than I should say but I kept it classy, just a little mouthy. Not my fault he always stock the fridge with alcohol for me... when i got there he opened a new one... when i got there, I notice shit around the house that shouldn’t be. He had the house deep cleaned for me... made me feel suspicious to why. And so I confronted him before we went out... then he canceled on our vacation... and I was fine. But then we got to dinner and it was ok, until I realized the time. It was late. That pissed me off, I get so little of his time. He gives me enough air to breathe and I’m trying to stay alive without sufficient amount of oxygen. He’s always working and giving me shitty hours, which I tell myself to not take for granted and be thankful for the time... but it’s not enough...ans it’s starts to piss me off and I know his answer so I don’t want to ask ans I know he’ll avoid the question so I try to suppress it, then I blow up and become annoying, some kind of mechanism to annoy him so that maybe he’ll finally end things and we both can just go on with our life. But he doesn’t. He keeps his mouth shut and never talk about it. He never mention about break up or ending things, to him everything seem fine and he’s happy. Yet, he looks at me like he’s judging me, watching me, looking at my face to see what my reaction is.
When he told me that he was leaving with friends and won’t make it to our vacation. He came to hug me out of pure guilt and I could feel it. He was soothing my pain and stoking my hurt, but I wasn’t hurt. I wanted him to be happy.... besides I had worst things happened to me.... him canceling barely scrapped the scabs. Then he breathe a sign of relief... then I realized something that night...he had this side to him that made me feel like he was kind of scared of me. No matter how confident he is, he have a side that’s unsure of how to handle me... was that why he always kept his mouth closed in every serious/relationship discussions? He watches his words carefully and if he can’t, He just listens. He seem to be afraid to say the wrong things, still judging me to see how I handle things. And to be quite honest, I don’t think he’s ever been with a woman like me before. I never looked at him that way before that perhaps he’s not an extrovert as I always thought he was...
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“She is so scary” she said to him after they left from our first meet up a few months back
“Oh, yeah my ex has an intimidating personality” he said to her.
“That morning she got up so early and dug through her closet to find her nicest outfit, got her hair and nail done the day before...she wanted to impress you” he told me.
____________
I met her one time. From the time I met her and today, she was sent to rehab and had lost both her kids to CPS.. and the ex got framed along with a lot of other messy shits!
He confessed that my car, which he took with him when we split was totaled by his girlfriend with her kids inside. That was considered neglect on her part bc after the accident,she never took her kids to the hospital to get them checked. Her daughter/son who is going through a sex transition brought up the traumatic incident to her/his counselor who then started the investigation. .. which lead them to where they all are in today.
He called me frantic and asked me for my help and Confessed all the shit he’s done....
“What should I do? All that’s happening is repentance of what I did to you...I’m paying the price for it” he said over the phone.
“Nah, shit happens all the time” I said back.
“Chill out it’s not that bad... in the meantime you should start looking into getting an attorney”
What was funny was that when he received some money back from that car accident for overpayment or something, he brought the money over and handed it to me.
“What’s that? Pity money? I don’t need it!”
“No it’s for you in case you might want to go shopping or get your hair done!” He said to me
I took it and stuff it in my wallet. He’s never hand me a penny during our time together. As a matter of fact he made more money than me but I end up paying for most and sometimes all our bills. There was so much resentment toward the end of our marriage that I never in my life want to be with him again.
But he called last night.
“You think you and I can still work things out? I mean after all these issues with her settles...I’m definitely not going to stay with her again..”
I paused for a moment kind of disgusted he had the audacity ask me such a question
“Nah... never in a million years do I have the desire to want you again... go live your life and go be happy!”
Silence for a while then we changed subject
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Now I see why your nickname was Rebel. ;D
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Now I see why your nickname was Rebel. ;D
;D
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Morning convo w ex
“I got a new place...you can come and stay with me for as long as you want... perhaps move out here...you’re welcome here anytime...” he said over the phone
“thanks but I’m not interested in visiting or looking to move anywhere else... and I wouldn’t want to live in the same dwelling as you...,” I said to him
“Well it’s just a thought... and pls think about it... We should work things out and you should really think about us being together..”
Something in the way he said that made me felt nauseous in my soul like a signal my body was giving off...to let let me know and remind myself of how far I’ve been and should never look back to what’s beneath me...
“I have...I don’t feel it in my self to want to work things out... look I gotta go, talk to you later”
I hung up before he can speak. All morning long I just feel gross about that morning conversation. Lately the ex is doing everything he can to get back...trying to convince me to move...bribing me with stuff like bribing a kid with candy...he knows it won’t work on me.
Then he texted me. Asking when I’m planning to visit him and how long I’m planning to stay. Fool, that thought haven’t crossed my mind!
Why now the hell do men always try to come back when we’ve long gone and had moved the fuk on?
It’s all so late now...how you upgraded your life so much that you no longer can downgrade to be with someone whose no longer at your level...consid er all that he’s put me through.
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“I want to stay sober” I begged him
“You were when you came in the house,” he said
Oh but I mean like sober, sober for the entire day..?
“But we’re having so much fun!”
——-
By the way for Christmas, I didn’t give him any material gift! And I was glad he got me nothing lmao we kind of think alike...his Christmas gift from me was my presence bc I have been gone for so long. His gift for me was his time and affection...
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And so it happened. He took me to meet three of his best friends. Boys who he grew up with and got in trouble with.....plus their wives....
When I got to his place he greeted me with a forehead kiss abs was already in the kitchen fixing my drink and packing shit into this backpack. He was fumbling around in the kitchen like a mother prepping her baby’s formula and baby supplies before going on a trip.
Then he got us a ride.
“Hurry up with your drink, our ride is almost here!”
I started chugging on the drink
“Where the duck are we going?”
“To my friends house...we’re going to a party”
“A party on a Monday?”
“Yeah”
Before I could say anything... our ride was parked outside so I set my cup down and he hurried me out the front door.
In side the car
“Why didn’t you inform me ahead of time that we were going to meet your friends..”
“I wanted to surprise you...I’ve gots all kinds of surprises..”
“ well, you could of told me, I could of dress better!”
“No you look fine....just letting you know we partied all day... I only went back home so I can pick you up and bring you here”
When we got to their house....all his friends came to greet us at the front door.
By that time I was already feeling kind of warm and tipsy inside.
We sat outside on the comfortable patio. And talked about all kinds of things, trails, national parks, dogs, gang banging, family life....
Then he came and stood next to me while facing his friends who were all sitting around the the table.
“I told all my friends about you and our first date... yeah they know which place we went to and what happened that night and how we meet...” he said to me.
I felt a little embarrassed and hoped he didn’t get into all the nitty gritty details, I would of been embarrassed. But he did. He told them how drunk we both were the night we meet lmao
Hours passed. It was time to go.
“So nice to meet you” we all said to each other as we all hugged each other. They all invited me to their New Years party celebration.
In the car:
“My friends like you... your coming with me to meet my family in XXXX. I want you to be there, I know you don’t know XXXX but I would love for you to be a part of it”
I was speechless... had he lost his mind? I sat quiet during the whole ride back.
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What I like is his willingness to share you with his friends and family. It shows that he's at least be that real unless his friends are all bastards and his crew would bring other women into the picture and what not cuz the american culture, we tend to change hands quite often or we'll just bring them and say that she's or he's just a friend.
What I don't like is him sharing you guy's stories with strangers... unless he got that one person, a best friend that he is compelled to share what he found or got with them. I got an ex that loves me to death. I dumped her azz cuz well, we were young and she eff around with people that includes my friend as well but yeah, when i ran into her and her new friends again, her friends be coming up to me and say that "so you are that guy" and I'm like quat da fawk? she can't have me so now she gotta talk about me as the one that got away from her to her new best friend now?
But people don't just talk about you if they are not invested in you so it is a good thing on your part. With him inviting you on holidays, that too is a good thing. It could be anyone else but he chose you unless he's an azzhole like myself where I have slots during the day with different dates. :2funny:
I dunno. Reading your stories, all of these stuff that been happening irks me for some reason. A controlling freak on his part may sounds like it. There is no flexibility like what if you don't want to do such and such and you are not comfortable with doing such and such and meet the rents, would he consider your feelings about that?
Whatever you do, don't end up dead. :2funny:
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Rebel, where have you been? I miss reading your stuff. But then I've been busy myself too. That's nice that he took you to meet his friends. Nice that he wants his family to meet you and vice versa. That means he sees a future with you. But that is weird that he likes to be high around you all the time. Have you asked him why he drinks around you all the time? Does it help him relax? Does Rebel time mean being high time/relaxation time/unwind time to him? Hmmm?
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BTW, yeah, I agree with you. With some relationships, nothing could ever convince me to go back to them. Nope. Ship has sailed. Have a good life. Let's all move on.
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What I like is his willingness to share you with his friends and family. It shows that he's at least be that real unless his friends are all bastards and his crew would bring other women into the picture and what not cuz the american culture, we tend to change hands quite often or we'll just bring them and say that she's or he's just a friend.
What I don't like is him sharing you guy's stories with strangers... unless he got that one person, a best friend that he is compelled to share what he found or got with them. I got an ex that loves me to death. I dumped her azz cuz well, we were young and she eff around with people that includes my friend as well but yeah, when i ran into her and her new friends again, her friends be coming up to me and say that "so you are that guy" and I'm like quat da fawk? she can't have me so now she gotta talk about me as the one that got away from her to her new best friend now?
But people don't just talk about you if they are not invested in you so it is a good thing on your part. With him inviting you on holidays, that too is a good thing. It could be anyone else but he chose you unless he's an azzhole like myself where I have slots during the day with different dates. :2funny:
I dunno. Reading your stories, all of these stuff that been happening irks me for some reason. A controlling freak on his part may sounds like it. There is no flexibility like what if you don't want to do such and such and you are not comfortable with doing such and such and meet the rents, would he consider your feelings about that?
Whatever you do, don't end up dead. :2funny:
Lol that fools always be rushing me....he say he’s not controlling but is ::)
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Rebel, where have you been? I miss reading your stuff. But then I've been busy myself too. That's nice that he took you to meet his friends. Nice that he wants his family to meet you and vice versa. That means he sees a future with you. But that is weird that he likes to be high around you all the time. Have you asked him why he drinks around you all the time? Does it help him relax? Does Rebel time mean being high time/relaxation time/unwind time to him? Hmmm?
I thinks it’s become a habit but i don’t know why he always needs to be intoxicated woth me. I’ve asked him abs he always tell me he doesn’t drink only when we’re hanging out. But his fridge is always full of alcohol lol he stash them for us when we hang out. Anyway I was just busy lately :)
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He invited me to his moms funeral.
“I’m sorry you never got to meet her...I regret it. And I know you don’t know her but I’d want you to be there.”
He called me a week after his mother passed and told me what happened. He was broken but acted like he was ok. I knew he wasn’t and can hear it in his voice.
“I’m only so hurt bc she was still so young” he said.
My heart ached for him.
There was a lot of moment of silence. Because I didn’t know the right words to say to him and a little shocked.
“Your going to be there, right? All my family will be there... I’d want you to be there” he continue to say to me.
I never answered him but he knew I would. I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind.
—————
Sometimes I look at him and my heart swells. I honestly don’t know how things will go down between us. The feeling I have of him is a feeling I have when I was in my childhood... like the sun always shinning, the air feels right and I feel so nostalgic... childhood nostalgia... have you ever thought of your childhood memories and felt all warm inside? Even in another 50 years, I’d think back to some of these moments with him, and I’d still feel the same way.....
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I have outgrown a lot of my friends. Many of them still keep in touch with me, and I still reach out sometimes but I find it sad that we no longer have things in common anymore. Even on social media, I feel like we no longer connect on a level that needs to be and it’s apparent how our personalities are so different, especially with the things we share and what we do with our lives. Hanging out just doesn’t feel “fun” anymore but more like a task.
Before the pandemic, going to the club or bar, socially feels exhausting. It’s fun sometimes but not always. I hate to admit it but I always feel unstimulated somehow.... like suddenly things just changed between us and I’ve surpassed certain stages in my life and ready to move on to something else, something bigger, something more challenging. I want some kind of human interaction/connection but I can’t seem to find it anywhere....li ke where the duck is my tribe of people?
I live in a small town with a minimal amount of Hmong people and I always feel this need to connect with them but even they know I’m different in a way that I couldn’t fit in even if I tried. I’m not Hmong enough and not white enough...but the same time, I am very Hmong and also a very prideful American. When I was single I tried to hang out with them but it always felt weird bc 99 percent of them were married. Then I got married and thought it would be better to hang out with them now that I was married too but it still feels weird and out of place.
My goal this year is to find people I can connect with. Pick up new hobbies and focus on myself.
I am working on my vision board for 2021
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At a gathering i overheard him say that he went to Chicago... when the F did that happened and how come I didn’t know about it? I was pissed. But kept to myself. Later that night he showed me pictures of his trip and told me about it.
“After what I was going through with my mom,I had to get away... I didn’t want to talk to anyone” he said to me
On the phone he was very emotional when he talked with his friends about his mom. But with me he acted tough.
“I haven’t got a moment to be sad... it’s such a weakness and I won’t show you it” he said.
“I don’t think that’s normal to not show your feelings...it’s ok” I said to him
——-
I went through an old album sitting on the coffee table. While flipping through it, he came over and handed me some pictures of him and his first love.
“She called me and we talked for several hours when she heard my mom died... we made peace after X years of our break up!”
“Why don’t you work things out with her?”
“She’s married and she’s happy...”
When he handed me pictures of him and his first love, he acted surprised like he had just stumbled upon it.. “oh wow look what I found!” He said while standing over my shoulder and handing it to me.
I looked at them and slide them inside the album along with the other pictures. “She’s gorgeous” I said to him.
I feel like he wanted to see if I would flip out. I didn’t find it in me to get mad about it. There was no reason to. She was a big part of his past and his first love and he deserved to have them.
The next morning I gave him an ultimatum...
“You can go out and date other people and do what you want.... I can’t do this... since I’m sober so now and I can say these thing to you....”
He tried to avoid me
“I don’t think we should end this... we’re having so much fun” he sounded nervous
“ I know but I can’t do this any more... I’ve let you do what you want all these times and YOU’RE TAKING OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED!” I was beginning to lose my cool
“I understand...r emember, we’re still legally married... and I’m finalizing my divorce this year....let’s meet in the middle” he tried to stay calm.
“The middle? Your crazy.... we have not been meeting in the middle... YOU LEFT TO CHICAGO AND DIDNT TELL ME, duck YOU ASHOLE”
“Fine, i can’t stop you and change your mind or make you think otherwise... if that’s what you want” he started to get angry
It start to annoy me.
“I can’t...” I said
“I understand what your feeling....” he kept repeating and trying to calm the situation
“You don’t...
“Let’s meet in the middle...I still want us to be together...don’t wanna lose you”
I thought for some time. My mind went blink. But my heart wanted to say so much shit to him. I didn’t want to come across like a passive aggressive ****... which I was beginning to sound like
“Fine, I gotta see you more than this... I want to stay sober and I want to get out of the house when we hang out”
“Fine, I’ll make plans and we’ll stay sober and we’ll hang out more than we have...I’ll plan more trips and outings.... I’ll surprise you, how about that?” He smiled looking at me.
The whole time we had this conversation he darted all over the house.... I had to raise my voice to speak to him.
He looked me dead in the eye and stopped getting dress.... “No, I really think this should be our last time seeing each other!” I calmly said as he stood shirtless, still in his underwear...lo oking like a Greek god who had just fallen from the heavens...
He was searching for something to say to me and he was unsure of the things to say to me bc I was truly serious about ending things and ready to walk. In the end we both agreed to seeing more of each other...
But foolish as it sound, he is my weakness. And every time i walked away, he’d called me again and the process starts over... the reason our relationship is like this is also due to my own self from the beginning... I have intense fear of commitment and whatever I had, he caught it. So we’re swinging in a state of limbo. We want it, but at the same time it feels like we both can’t handle the seriousness of the relationship, so we dip back in and restart the attraction process over and over. It’s not all his fault. For all I know he always remind me that we are exclusively together. We both can’t fully commit even when we both want to... sometimes it’s just the timing of everything that’s going on with our own life at the moment.
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Lol damn I share too much
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He slowly revealed himself to me over the year so it didn’t come all at once. My perception of who I thought he was at the beginning, had changed. He changed and so have I. It’s funny to look back and see how different we both were at the beginning. Even now, I still haven’t surrender to him... yeah we’ve expressed our feelings and spend intimate time together but hell no will I fully surrender myself to him. And I think whatever it is, it’s toxic. I’m toxic. I still look at him with unsureness, even though I admit he is the total package.... Ill give in sometimes, but I really don’t want to be tied down to it. I want the commitment and the relationship but I don’t want that extra weight of responsibility that comes along with it. I’m not going to go over and cook or clean, and I subtly made that known to him...i won’t give him that kind of benefit that I still feel he hasn’t earned. I don’t know what is wrong with me...This is the exact pattern I notice about myself in almost all relationship I’ve been in. But I never stopped to wonder why, now I am. It’s some weird attachment style I have, I was told. But Trust me, I’ve taken those test online and they always come out that I have a secure attachment style...lol
I don’t want to commit, for I have this huge fear that I will suffocate, wither away and perish. And I’m trying to understand this part of me, bc some day I’d like to fall deeply in love and not be afraid but be able to give freely and be in a healthy and beautiful kind of relationship with my best friend! So for the mean time, I’m working on myself and my personal growth... I want to be prepared so that the next real relationship I get in, will be the best and the last one for me.
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I should be calling my siblings and checking up on them for the new year and stuff but I’m selfish, I’m neglectful, and full of myself. Gosh how I hate myself sometimes, I stuff my self with sweets when I self loath... thank god ever since my ex husband left, I rarely cook. I purposely gave myself permission to be lazy, to only cook when I have to... to only eat so I won’t die... or make a meal only when my stomach is calling me to be fed...Shit if I cooked every day I’d gained weight bc I’d probably eat for no good reason, just to eat bc it’s dinner hour.
Today is windy as hell out door. The sky is clear and I’m trying to make up my mind as to who to call first but my mind is telling me no... call them tomorrow
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Part 1
He’s clean shaven most of the time, his brown hair is combed to the side, and he has a gorgeous smile. He always remind me of those stunning old American boys from the 50s, proper but has a hint of bad to them. It’s hard to resist him. And I know most girls throw themself at him.
Most times it’s when we’re driving in the car, girls will call him, and try to get flirty with him on the phone. Some ask him out in a friendly way, like meeting up for coffee dates, some are female clients of his, they’ll call to get his attention. Some will try to stay on the phone with him for as long as they could. One lady called a few day ago to chat with him, after a long ass annoying conversation and us missing our exit to dinner three times, she asked if he wanted him to take his kid out to the park with her kids and go grab lunch afterward lol that one pissed me off so bad. He never hide these calls from me and speak openly with me around. He’s still nice to them. Hell declined politely by saying, “ I got stuff to do this weekend, sorry. Maybe some other time”
He’s very sociable so, people like to talk to him but then these friendly conversation spills over to them wanting a date... and you know how horny people have been since the pandemic, will I’ll write my stories on that later lmao but I think sometimes he purposely pick up their calls to see if I’ll freak out...to get me jealous. Sometimes I find it rude but then again he’s a straight people pleaser, and admits to it! But he knows where to draw the line. Our longest phone conversation we ever had was maybe 45 minutes when we started dating but the majority of the time it’s two minute tops! we get in and out...our text are to the point and I can be very short with him...it’s only to set up dates so when these people call to talk forever, it bothers me in a way that I want to snap! Bc they are taking his time away from me... lol
I always act like I don’t care but inside, I’m low key bothered by it...I feel my self esteem chipping away... and who wouldn’t be pissed about it anyways? Well I am, n you know why I’m pissed? I’m pissed bc I never signed up to play jumangi and suddenly I’m in this mf game with all these other mf player/competitors...I keep saying “jumangi” to end the mf game but he keeps dragging me along to play... that’s why I’m pissed. Yes I know I can walk away and have the power in that but he grabs on to me in a way that makes it so hard...He’s good with words bc that’s what he do for a living and will get me in a way that I can never say no to him. And I hate that he has that kind of control over me.
I always tell myself that if a man ever stray from me and leave, he just isn’t my guy and I’d gladly let him go. The reason why I haven’t completely let go is bc we don’t have big issues to completely break up over...if I ever call him, he usually pick up on the first ring. If he can’t answer, he gives me a legit reason later. He usually text me right away, every time I ever text him, he always makes plans to see me even if I’m just checking in on him...he’s accommodating and respects my time and very gentlemanly about everything, and polite but won’t let me step on him the wrong way...and if I ever do, he lets me know it.
To be continued...
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Part 2
With that said, I’m sure he gets pussy when I’m not around. I don’t care how secure you are in a relationship, things like that comes up every now and then.....But you can’t accuse someone when you got no proof either... So,I’ve made it cleared that if I ever catch him doing anything shady, I’m done for good. He’ll tell me that he’s so busy he’s got no time to screw around, and tell me I can come by to check if I want. He did all that messing around when he was younger...
Sometimes my insecurities comes out, so I always try to break up with him bc deep down I really think that he’s up to no good sometimes. And I’ll want to end things with him, sometimes we’ll have these mini fights... I’m in tears quietly screaming across the porch. He’s trying to calm me down and will come butter me up... Well come back in and have hot steamy make up X...
“I’m sorry you're mad at me” he’ll whisper in my ear as he makes love to me.
“I didn’t mean it” I’ll say to him.
And once again, I’ll believe him. No doubt he does shit on purpose to make me jealous all the time...or is he testing me? When alcohol gets involved, our bickering intensified... a lot of times he listens to me vent and then ask if I’m done. And he’ll laugh about it. But he like to make things better, so we make it up in the bedroom...
I’ll leave for a long period of time though...and I don’t want to be bothered... I can’t be tied down, no matter what...maybe it’s just a period I’m going through and will change later when my brain has matured enough.
But I love it that he’s mentally strong and hard to break and always talk to me in a calm manner. I, on the other hand seem to lose my cool a lot more...Our bickering never last long, I’ll give into submission and eventually get over it and he knows that.
Sometimes I question what his intentions are bc he can get any girl he wants... He’ll wrap me up into his world and brings me around important people in his life. Over a year now and he still consistently plans our dates and always is enthusiastic to see me. Our dates have always been positive and fun. Sex is awesome, conversations are amazing, doing bad things together and feeling young like, teenagers is exciting! Then he’ll say it, the L word as he looks me in the eyes. I would blush and give him a kiss. He’ll open up to me about some of his deepest secrets... and I’ll tell him mine.
I’ve dated all sorts of men in my life...but he’s different from the rest..... once you hit a certain kind of level in dating, you can’t go back to something mediocre anymore. The next guy, the next girl, the next relationship will have to be a level above....
*I’m just saying, bc I tried to low key keep my options open and see that it was just a little bit harder now for someone to get my attention hahahaha
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People come to my house, and for ever long its been, they are always at a loss for word when they know that I actually cook my own food.
“Wow, we thought you only know how to eat at McDonald” most will say.
But more than anything they are amaze that I have a home library
;D
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Being with you feels like being high on something he said to me one day
Like what? We should try it, whatever it is and see for ourself I said
I’m dying to just let him lead me astray
I always want a man to lead me in life, sometimes even if it’s for the worst.
Why can’t we ever stay sober I said to him
We were, but now we’re not he said.
We laughed.
And that was the end of it.
Drunken in love
Just a made up story
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Shortly after his moms funeral, he took me halfway across the state to meet his aunt. This trip was not planned, at least not in that moment. He probably thought about it but was so random...
He insisted that we go to this Starbucks that was almost an hour away. How odd...
“why didn’t we go to the ones nearby?”
“We should try a different Starbucks today” he said
After our coffee date, he turned into the freeway going the opposite direction of home. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going... so we drove for hours and hours...he stopped at every few places along they way... to tell me stories about that specific place, of a time he and his mom/family stopped by here and what they did, like a famous hiking trail, a popular diner or bakery... I asked him where we were really going and he would say that it was so and so. He finally gave a name to a place. We went there. We hung out for an hour and I thought we were going to end up getting a cabin for the night. But he kept driving and finally called in a hotel...
“Yeah I called in yesterday to check for a room... Sure, don’t charge me yet until I get there” he said to them
“Where the duck are we going”
“Looks like you’ll have to find out”
We ended up states away and more than 1000 miles away from home. When we got to our destination, I was ready to go to sleep. But he dragged me out to see the city at night.
“Why are we here?” I asked confused
“I kidnapped you...hope your not mad. I’ll let you know tomorrow, let’s just enjoy this moment”
The next day he drove me up to see his only living aunt, uncle and all his cousins. Even though everyone was unease bc of COVID. We all got to meet up for 2 hours. They were lovely.
We stayed the whole weekend there with nothing but the clothes on our backs and ate at every restaurants we thought had good food. We could of went shopping to get clothes to wear but didn’t have time to do that...he constantly had us on the go. We went to several places there, lookout points and well-known parks. We walked up and down streets and drove all over town....we really fine combed that place... it was so beautiful!!! He had all sorts of things planned out and constantly checked his phone to make sure there was still enough time to do other things...
“I wanted to just surprise you! You know something, you’re above most girls I know... I just want you to know that I enjoy your company even without sex and alcohol... I don’t want you to think that’s all we do” he said to me.
I laughed. Was that a compliment or a load of shit? He’s so random...
So many girls called all weekend long. It annoyed me and I finally snapped.
“At least I’m not hiding these calls from you...and I’m letting you know who it is”
Some girl called him three times while we were on a busy freeway. He picked up and they started chatted for awhile...when I asked him he said that that girl was only calling to check up on him and see what he was up to... but it killed my mood. He pulled over and stopped to get me some candy at a liquor store...to shut me up so I can get over it. Not that I was saying anything, but my mood seriously changed and I became quiet and annoyed.
Later that evening he expressed himself to me
“What have I ever done in my life to deserve a woman like you...I have so much RESPECT for you that sometimes I feel like I can’t duck you in dirty ways...or duck you at all..”
He had a few drinks by this time. Sometimes I feel he need the drinks to express himself to me even though he is a very talkative and social person. I don’t know how to take that..is that good or bad?
This trip taught me a few thing about our relationship:
1: people stare at us no matter where we go. He brought that up to his family that people in their little town was so weird and we constantly got stared all by almost everyone
2: we both pitched in for the cost of the trip. Even though he paid more than me, I didn’t have a problem paying $80 for lunch or filling the tank, bc it was worth it and he to me (but shit he eat expensively!)
3: we have fun not matter where we are, easily adaptable with the people around us. People always stop to have short meaningless conversations with him. I’m jealous he’s so easy to have a conversation with and have a magnetic thing with him that pull strangers to him
4: we work as a team
5: we both can function perfectly with each other without sex and drinking. We tried our best to stay sober.
6: quiet time is not weird or awkward, but enjoyable
7: though we were sober for the most part on the first day there, the next two days he drank pretty heavily at night time.. makes me question if maybe it’s his nerves that’s causing him to drink or if he’s still uncomfortable with me at times... he claimed he only drinks around me.
8: We saw how we both deal with anger. He have a tight face look and stays quiet. I storm off to cool off.
9: our happiness was important
10: there was no expectation but things feel into place like a puzzle that just made sense plus the wonderful day was marvelous that made our experience so much more enjoyable...
“We got to do this again. There’s so much places I still want to take you...” he said
That was so much time together. I joked to him that that trip alone made up for all holidays and birthday in the year and I’m good until next year!
-
I’m so tired of this pandemic. So far, I lost 5 people to that and know of many who caught it. One of my friend caught it way before the lockdown last year, before we even knew what the f was going on. The news were so unreal to me, yet devastating and was hard to believe.
I remember going to her house to look at all the things she left behind. Her bedroom was bare and all her stuff were piled into the living room, most were thrown into the trash and all the valuable things she owned were sold, like expensive artworks and paintings. We never had a funeral for her. Her eldest son came to town and took care of her body and had her cremated. I don’t think that was what she would of wanted. She told me time and time again, that she wanted to be buried next to her mom and had bought a plot of land at the same cemetery. But bc of COVID, there was no way to do things right and for that, I’m sorry!
I remember the last time I talked to her. I was able to express everything to her, my love and my feelings and how much she meant for me. We spent close to three hours on the phone. She cried a lot but I didn’t know why, just thought it was one of those emotional days she was having. I thought she would come back and we would spend time together and rekindle our friendship, which I admit was a little neglected. I convinced her to go to the hospital and it was there that she contracted COVID.... but she knew she was dying long before she caught the virus How can a friend like her kept something like that from me for so long? Did she not want to scare me or hurt my feelings? I will never know.
My friend was a reclusive after her husband died. She was classy and a very expressive woman. Yeah, she has a bit of a sassy attitude and you would think she was some mean old lady but she kindest person you’ll meet. She lived alone in a very affluence side of town in some big old house with huge double doors. She married an attorney, so they had a very well off life. Once her kids were of age, they all left home to go live their own life in different part of the state and rarely ever call home. She was always lonely even though she had friends her age that came around to visit but her soul was alway too big for them.
She lived a very full life though..crazy parties and orgies and drugs and thing like that when she was young. She always had stories to tell me. There were certain things I admire from her... the way she handle situation, like a Italian mafia queen lol whenever I drive out to visit her, our thing was coffee and coconut donuts or coconut cake. She would buy them just for me. And every time she drives through my town, she’ll pick me up a box of Krispy creme donut or bring me some kind of treat, like almond joy. During holidays, she’ll bring over ham and a turkey and all sort of food bc she didn’t feel like cooking and wanted me to do it myself. I wonder what draws her to me? Will never know. We just became friends over liking coconut donuts and coffee and it grew from there. I hate that I take people in my life for granted...
I just got thinking of her recently and I miss her. I miss life before all this happened. Being around people is just so risky and scary now. I’m even scare to go around my guy lol bc he is not afraid of shit and lives kind of dangerously... so he tends to get himself a COVID test very often just to make sure he safe to be around anybody.
Anyways, mask up and stay distance.
-
I was trying to rinse my car off this morning and my hot ass nosy neighbor came out and hand signaled for me to take my beats headphone off...
“Your crazy girl... there’s a storm coming and yours outside washing your car! damn, you’re crazy!”
I looked at him from across the street, annoyed.
“Thanks for informing me but you should mind your own business...wel l, feels like it’s near summer to me...just rinsing some dirt off...”
He chuckled and asked what I was going to do this weekend.
“Ughh... going to a social distancing dance party with some friends...we’re going to meet up at some field somewhere and have a dj come and play some music...and you know dance like it’s 1999” I said sarcastically
“damn, you ever home? Your car is always missing. You just be doing shit, not afraid of COVID are you?”
“I just got back....nahh.. ., I don’t go near no one so I have no reason to freak out at the moment... i think we all should just catch the shit and get over it...”
He chuckled.
“Maybe we can do something when all this ends.., what do you think?”
“ haha... sure, but you know it’s never going to end...it’ll be here forever”
“I’m holding you to it”
I smiled and looked away to end our conversation so I canfinish rinsing my car... Bc the damn storm is coming lol
-
I said something a little rude and he shut me up.... I wasn’t intentionally making fun of his gal pal but he was making us a drink and I asked him if that gal pal of his was going to call and make sure he wasn’t drinking that day. That bothers me that girls call to make sure he’s not drinking... he said that he went to AA and she was one of those accountability person who calls to make sure your not drinking. Which doesn’t make sense bc he only drink with me and somehow never told me he goes to AA...he’s full of shit sometimes
“Don’t make fun of my friend” he said in a very stern and serious tone of voice.
Wow I felt the burn in that one. Lmao.
“ I wasn’t...” I said. And that was it.
Anyways, He cried around other people but he hide that side from me. I don’t understand why he need to show his tough side to me all the time. He’s vulnerable but that weak little boy side, he make sure I never see it. And only by accident did I see it. That bothers me that he reach out for his gal pals for such things but with me, he acts like this tough piece of ass that can never break!
——-
Later in that night he confronted me...
“You never freaking call me...what’s up with that?”
“I don’t know...I got nothing to say... I don’t like to call, nag, got nothing to complain about or have the need to want to be nosy and chase you all over town”
“Your the ultimate girlfriend...y ou really are”
“What ever you say I said to him”
——
He has this habit of calling me his “old lady” that’s so weird that he refers me to his old lady and not girlfriend. Everywhere we go, that’s all he calls me. Like we’re some old country bumpkin people. I haven’t told anybody he’s my boyfriend either... I can’t seem to let that word slip out of my mouth....it annoys me that he’s called me his girlfriend just a few times. But we still can’t really say it when we’re introducing each other to other people.
——-
We went out and ended taking an Uber home.... our super hot Russian Uber driver wanted us to hear one of his favorite song... one of the line to the song was “I’m so horny that’s okay my will is good” a song by nirvana and my guy got mad lol No not only that but the Uber driver got distracted from his gps...so we got lost and went around in circle a few times...So he had the driver drop us off 12 blocks away from where we were going and we walked for so long.... the driver was trying to tell him how far we were from our location but he didn’t care. “You can stop here” he demanded... he was ready to pop the door open and jump out so the driver pulled over and let us out.
———
We don’t see each other often. Once we spent enough time together, I need my space from him. I think I just don’t want to ever lose myself in a relationship again. I don’t want complacency or boredom. I don’t want stress in the relationship. I know he’s waiting on me to set real legit boundaries in the relationship but I don’t, bc maybe I don’t know how. But I’m lenient bc I know I don’t ever want to go there again. When he said he wants to meet in the middle, he wants me to give him rules but I’m easy... I’m easy bc if I expect such and such from him, he’ll expect them from me. And I’m not there yet, I don’t want to go there again. So I let him roam like a lost dog, who’s got all these stray hahaes around.
The marriage to my ex husband was enough for me... I feel like I’m still recovering from it..and it’s not fair to expect certain thing from someone when I myself am not willing to compromise or go all the way in something.
I think in some subtle ways, we’re both kind of toxic but it’s not reaching the surface yet lmao I guess that why I want to write these thoughts down so I can get a better understanding of our relationship and whatever issue I have.
-
No matter how much I drift away he comes after me with a vengeance and sweeps me away. For the meantime it feel like we’re just a figment of our own imaginations, made up fantasy of a fictionalized person from a dream, a hallucination that’s either real or not. A relationship that either exist or made up. Our conversations sometimes feels like a delusion, did he really say that? Or did I made that shit up myself...? Did I see him last or was that just a dream? Lol
I never want to go there again. I never want to be caught up in anything again. I don’t want to fall for the wrong person or any person for that matter. I don’t want anyone to possess me or control me. I don’t want to get into those same ass boring relationships doing the same ass boring Thing every couple do or kinds of things that I get into with every person I ever been with.
“I want a completely different lifestyle” I would say to him.
I dance with the idea of it... I walk around the perimeter of it... I test it a few times then I back off and spreads my wings and I fly off to the ether of space...
I want to run, I want to chase things, I want to feel the wind on my back and the sun on my face. I want to be free.....not confined to someone or a thing.
But so, even though I don’t want to admit it, this feeling terrifies me at the same time intoxicates me.
-
The f would a guy cut off sex in a relationship? I still don’t get it. And I’m still bothered by the whole conversation about it. Why is he trying to starve off my feelings for him?
“I just want to let you know that I enjoy your company even w/o sex. I still have a good time just hanging out with you without having it... I know you mentioned it to me that, that’s all we ever do, so we’re not going to have sex... I have so much respect for you...and I don’t want you to think that i only want to see you just for that” he said.
I know he said more than this and he said this a few times more but these were what I can remember now. He never mentioned if this is temporary or forever. It’s just we’re not going to have sex. We cuddled but he did everything he can to stop himself...
I keep replaying this conversation in my head. There were plenty of times I said no to it and he still want it. After that trip, his personality changed. There’s a real tender side to him but all this really mess with me. Was he being real or not? Am I not seeing something here? Why the he’ll would a guy suddenly do this?
So okay FINE! I said to him.
And I only say FINE when I’m really pissed. Ok, maybe he’s getting to from someone else? Now that thoughts lingering in my mind. But either way, I won’t break, this will only make me focus more on myself.
“You could leave the relationship anything you want, I’m not holding you... we really don’t need to continue this either. I’m never going to stop you from living your life if you want to be out there playing and traveling.... you could do all that, I just won’t be a part of it.... if we ever end this, I deserve a clean break... and I won’t accept your friendship... Just know that I won’t come back to work thing out... I mean what I say” I said to him calmly
He was quiet and didn’t say a word. Then he told me to shut up and to stop talking.
He texted me more than he have. He called me more than he had in the past...to ask me silly questions he can easily get from googling.
I don’t even know what I’m feeling at this moment...but either way F this shit!
-
Rebel would be like... to the world
(https://media.giphy.com/media/ewX5txI5OnRN6/giphy.gif)
-
Rebel, to quit sex cold turkey with you signals something more. I hope I'm wrong but maybe he cheated and caught an STD? Maybe he didn't cheat but delayed STD symptoms showed up? He doesn't want to get you infected so he's waiting for the STD to clear up to have sex with you again? I dunno. I don't want to scare you but that's the only rational explanation I can think of for why he would all of a sudden stop having sex with you. It doesn't sound like he fell out of love with you or you guys got into a huge fight to make him stop having sex with you. Either way, no one really knows the real reason. Only he knows. You should ask him what's up because it sounds like you're not buying his reasoning (wanting to respect you) for not having sex.
-
Rebel, to quit sex cold turkey with you signals something more. I hope I'm wrong but maybe he cheated and caught an STD? Maybe he didn't cheat but delayed STD symptoms showed up? He doesn't want to get you infected so he's waiting for the STD to clear up to have sex with you again? I dunno. I don't want to scare you but that's the only rational explanation I can think of for why he would all of a sudden stop having sex with you. It doesn't sound like he fell out of love with you or you guys got into a huge fight to make him stop having sex with you. Either way, no one really knows the real reason. Only he knows. You should ask him what's up because it sounds like you're not buying his reasoning (wanting to respect you) for not having sex.
After his mom died he traveled to a few places...I know it’s the pandemic but somehow all these strip clubs were still opened and nobody wore masks! I thought he lied to me But he showed me pictures of him hanging out with people in the strip clubs...
I have a feeling something happened... so he feel guilty so he took me on the trip...... that’s the only thing I can think of that happened and also A week before i tried to end the relationship bc I didn’t want to meet up and declined sex from him.
That is a huge possibility and yes, that thought had crossed my mind.
-
The thing about our relationship is: EVEN TO THIS DAY, I DONT KNOW WHY THE F HE IS WITH ME!
There’s no reason...
I don’t cook, clean, hardly call him, barley give attention, live my own life, I don’t rely on him or need him for anything, not that I don’t have any need but I just don’t like to be a burden if I can do something I’ll do it myself. I don’t even act like a girlfriend, if you ask me. Every time we see each other is like a first date... like I’m that new girl he’s trying date...
I give him all these space bc I’m not sure why he clinging on to me. Maybe the space will allow him to find someone else and he can let me go. I give him opportunities to let go but he won’t have it. I even told him that he shan’t be scare to end things with me bc I’m a big girl and I know how to handle this. And if he feels the need to go, he can. I told him I won’t give him a hard or try anything etc. yet, he never say anything, he looks at me and tells me to be quiet or that he wants to work on it. And he knows damn well, I won’t work on it. I told him I’m not really ready for a relationship, but he won’t say anything....li ke, I’m expecting him to say something like “maybe we’re rushing this or maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore bc your not ready” he avoids it. So it always leave me confused. Like, what is his intentions? He did mention to me that he won’t marry again bc his ex took everything and don’t want to go there again. That was him telling me that he won’t marry me.
I ask my guy friends and they’ll tell me things like, “oh bc he loves you, if a guy loves you they won’t let you go” or “bc he see something worth it so he doesn’t feel like he can let go” or “a guy will only break up if they don’t love you or see you in the future”
But what they don’t see is that him and I barely see each other and hardly stay in contact. We see each other once a week and it’s been the same since we meet. Even though we’re familiar with each other, we’re still strangers in a way...even though we share intimate moments... I never fully given him my heart... even though we have little fights, they are surface level, he still havent access my true intimate thoughts., I won’t allow it. When we go to parties, we’ll catch each others eyes from across the yard, it feels like Were staring at two strangers, like we’re seeing each other for the first time...
During the trip, he had pulled over at rest stop so I can use the bathroom. After I used the bathroom, I walked out and he was staring at me. I stopped and stared at him. Our eyes were glued to each other and there’s still butterflies. though we dated for so long, there were still part of us that we haven’t seen from each other. On that trip, I looked over and he was walking next to me... it still feels like the first time..there’s still a world about us that we don’t know about each other... like a mystery that can’t be solved. sometimes I’ll accidentally imagine the future with him, and get a little chocked up that your life together might just be amazing. Like you are soulmates, put on this earth to find each other and now your sure you won’t be alone. But that thought frightens you so you stop imagining it. You detached every time, you leave his place. Go try to go on with your life and pretend like no one existed.
Then he’ll call again.... and the process starts over. I think we’re insane... or we’re just really unsure or scare to go back there again.
I know I’m tired of it... I’m still in recovery and trying to detox and working on myself. I don’t feel it’s fair to be in a relationship when I’m a mess like this. Bc I can’t seem to give him the best of me...I give him crumbs of my love and time and that’s why I dont know why he still want to work things out.. or why he still sticks around.
-
And just like that I lost interest in him.
Valentine’s Day came, “absolutely no sex! Don’t even try to get me drunk...”
He made a romantic dinner but it didn’t feel special.
We hung out like before but I didn’t feel like I was feeling it... BC I REMEMBERED WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR.... he forgot me on Valentine’s Day and im still pissed me off about it lol
This morning...
“Erm, I don’t feel well, no sex!” I got up quickly and went to the bathroom to wash up and got my things to leave. He was trailing behind me.... trying to kiss me, trying to pull me back to bed. I brushed his arms off, I feel weird inside like I’m pissed, angry, annoyed all at the same time.
He was quiet like he was annoyed and I can tell in his face he was mad... but he knows he have no say bc he said that to me on the trip.
He reach to hug me... and I feel a sense of disgust. I pulled away. It’s things like this that turns me into a cunnt! His touch suddenly makes me feel gross.
“Why you gotta be this way!”
As I was walking out the door..
“Be like what? I’m not being anything l” I smiled and pecked him on the cheeks.
“I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.. .” I said to him.
He never answer me. So predictable. So I left it at that.
Like, why can’t he ever ask me what’s wrong? Or ask why I’m the way I am? Is he so scare that if we actually talked about it it would require him to marry/commit to me more than we are?
I’m feeling weird. Did I lost interest in him? Why am I feeling like this?
I realize it’s just frustration I’m feeling...
-
“I was tested positive for COVID twice...” he said to me.
I swerved the car out of the lane and swerved back into lane and braked several times bc I was so shocked at his comment
“What? Say that shit again...” i said as I looked over at him
“Yeah I was tested positive for COVID twice thats why I constantly got myself checked for it, now it’s saying I’m negative”
“Why the FFFFFFFFUK didn’t you tell me that shit...was it during the time we were seeing each other?”
“Yeah, of course...the last positive was before our trip...but I mean there was no symptoms. I asked and you didn’t have any...”
Why didn’t you tell me? What if I caught something and all these time didn’t know I had it...I could of gave it to someone else!”
It’s been a long time, enough time, if you got it, there would of been symptoms, you didn’t have any...and I didn’t”
It’s things like this that pisses me off about him.
Pissed off at him still I said
“Well, don’t you ever friend zone me, bc I’m not going to friend zone you... I rather cut it off clean and leave no ties”
Then he said to me...
“I was swimming butt naked at night and these two Asian couples came into the water... the girl started rubbing me and the guy had his hand on my p.... I stopped and told them i wasn’t cool with it bc I’m not down with being gay...and wasn’t about to do any of that shit so they backed off”
He took pictures of many naked girls. And he showed them to me. It wasn’t my agenda to go out there to have sex with girls. I talked to a lot of girls and my friend asked me why I won’t take any of their numbers but I wasn’t looking to be with anyone, I had you... I needed more time to make peace with my moms death. I felt her when I was out there.
He have a shrine in one of the room for his mom. He was showing me all these little things that belonged to her. Things I didn’t realize before...
When I entered the room I said hi to her and looked at her things that was set along side with her pictures.
After we looked at her things, like her lipstick tube and sewing needles we went outside, like we usually do sometimes...it was really windy.
While sitting out there for less than a minute. The front light flickered on and off several times then it went completely out...we looked over at each other wondering what happened...sev eral seconds passed and it magically switched back on. Never happen like that before...
“A electrical glitch?”
“Yeah could just be the sensor acting up”
“Nah, I think that was your Mom”
“Yeah, I’m sure that was her coming by to let us know she’s here”
We Netflix and chill afterward and watched: Gran Torino
“Thank you for requesting this movie, I love it. I love the movie, thank you”
“Every time someone ask me what’s my nationality and when I tell them I’m Hmong, the first they thing they ask me if I’ve seen the movie Gran Torino. And since you always ask me about my culture I thought you watch the movie”
-
We talked about death.
“Tomorrow’s never promised, you know” I said to him
“Yeah, it’s not... if something ever happens to me, I want to be cremated and my ashes sent to places I love...I’d want you to be there for me, for my funeral” (he also said this to me in the car that’s why this conversation came up again)
I looked at him in silence.
“Well if I ever go before you...come say something funny”
“Well, where will you want to be?”
“Where my grandma is...in XXXXX”
We hugged each other.
And we left it at that.
Death used to terrify me. But now I see it as a beautiful thing, a thing that we all will have to experience by ourself one day.
-
The conversation about death came up over the fact that he had called me to pick him up at the airport and yeah, I was kinda pissed.
Instead of going to the closet airport east of where I live, he had me drove two and a half hours away the other way to pick him up at another airport, and it was very late at night.
He had somehow lost his mind and have been traveling ever since November and then his mom died and he traveled consistently and took time off work. He can’t seem to stay long in one place. His soul is constantly calling for him to go. And then he’ll come back and he’ll miss me. I really don’t care what beautiful places he’s gone to, what hot girls he flirted with or what kind of fun things he did when he was out there, he always misses me.
“I don’t have a ducken home anymore” he would say to me.
———
So I went to picked him up at the airport and his flight was an hour late. When I saw him coming out of the terminal, his beard had grown and had a nice dark tan...and looking even more handsome than when I last saw him.
As soon as he got his luggage’s into the back seat, and before he even got his ass in the passenger seat, he wanted alcohol...
“Damn airplane wasn’t serving any...damn it girl give me a hug!”
I drove around and found a grocery story and he drink the whole way home. But in between that we had gotten into a heated argument.
“You know why I never call you all these times?”
(Yeah the fight started off from that one question which I will probably not share lol.)
“Well, your invited to my funeral. You’ll have to come. Come See me in a coffin and maybe you can say your good bye...your never going to leave this relationship, not EVER, not until the day I die”
I quiet up fast. I never thought of him dying. Or loving someone so much to the end of their life or my life and having to say goodbye, or loving someone so much and taking them for granted and having to see them when their gone and in a coffin, eyes closed forever. I never though of losing him. I’m always trying to leave him. But something hit me in my soul. And we both got real quiet. I can feel the heat of my tears soaking my eyes. My heart softened. I hate it that sometimes it takes something like this to make me wake up from my slumber and think deeply about something.
We changed subject and while I was driving, he showed me pictures and videos of places he went to, hot girls he met, and told me so many stories! He played me a song and had it on repeat.
When we got home, we talked about the song he played. And he asked me to read the lyrics out for us. It was a song about love. That love can make you high........ou r conversation went on to talking about love.
“So what’s the difference between being in love and having a crush on someone, I can’t tell the difference” I asked bc now i had one too many drinks and it was 1 in the morning and that’s all I remember.
-
My ex husband is a somewhat very intimidating individual even though he likes to say that I am more scary than any drill sergeant he’s ever met in his life, worst than his mom, and calls me the female hitler. We both have a kind of extreme like/hate kind of relationship.. .the kind that brings our ugliest side out....
He’s 6’0, with a 220 lbs muscular build with a loud and booming voice and if you didn’t know what kind of issues he had, you’ll probably think he’s some handsome bad boy, but I can assure you he’s far from that.
He’s a fitness nut with huge amount of followers on social media. I never follow him and can careless what he do with his life. But he likes to brag about it to me. Most times you’ll see him in plaid button ups, they are his favorites and he’ll look like a lumberjack. With his long beard growing, looking like some polished small town red neck guys whose trying really hard fit into the big city life...
In his younger years he was a real player and after our separation, he spend all his time chasing young girls. He ducks a new girl every day, he would say to me bc they were so easy. And he ducked so much that it was enough pussy for this life time, he would brag.
Girls throw themselves at his feet all the time, especially Filipino girls, if only they know what he really is... but he’s good at hiding it. He can seem like your typical dream guy, very passionate about survivalist stuff, working out and has a tough military attitude. And he does have a good side to him, it’s a side that you only see once in a while, if your lucky, you’ll get glimpse of it. He can be motivating, but will never show you he cares. It’s weird like that. Sometimes you have to really watch what you say and how you step around him like your on some thin glass that will break. You spend so much time watching your words that it mentally exhausts you. That was my life with him.... with him you have to be serious all the time.. you have to have his back no matter what, you had to watch what you do and think all the time. There was a creed of some kind you had to follow and he expects that from you every time whether you acknowledge it or not and that is that you have to stand by him, even when you know he’s wrong... go against him and you’ll know what’s up...
A lot of childhood issues/traumas turned him into that slightly ugly person. That makes him unhinged at times, that makes him lose his temper very often. Everyone of his family members is afraid of him to some degree, most watch themselves around him, some even disowned him bc he had that slightly cocky ass attitude that can turn you off, or will come off threatening. And no one ever had the guts to stand up for him bc they are afraid he will duck them up bc he had in the past.
For the most part most people cannot tolerate him much or for long. If you saw him coming down around the bend, that usually mean trouble! Even my friends are afraid to come by the house bc of him, he’s made them cried before, scared them off and made people feel uncomfortable and intimidated. He has a serious and nasty attitude that no one can put up with...I got fed up with it, so I learned never to back down... I alway stood up against him... I learned to never show him my weak side, never will I cry in his face...over time I developed a I don’t care attitude. Being married to him feels like getting dressed up to go to a riot every night and preparing going to a battle every morning.
People always wonder how we got together. We were so odd together. We were so different, in our values and how we were raised. There’s nothing that we have in common. We were the complete opposite of each other, like day and night......... ..but being with him taught me a lot about myself, how strong I really am and how brave and courageous I can be....and when you’ve reached that level, it can change you, morphs you into another kind of being...
When he can’t be dealt with anymore they all call for me... his mom, girlfriends etc. only I can unhinge him when he’s at his worst. But even sometimes I’ll have to pass bc I have a life to live and I’m tired dealing with it.
-
Holy ducken shit! I was writing shit and accidentally erased everything I wrote. I’m too pissed to continue :2funny: ;D :D maybe I’ll start over another day! ::)
-
“I.know.everything! It’s just easier to pretend to be blind to things, you know” I said calmly to him as I was putting make up on. I glanced over at him through the mirror.
“What do you mean” he said trying to sound serious as he threw himself on the bed and started laughing uncontrollably, giggling and chuckling like he was being held down; being tickled and caught red handed.
“You know what I mean. Don’t you DARE bring me into anything I did not sign up for...I am not interested! Just informing you, so we’re on the same page” I was seriously annoyed.
He did not answer me. But he got off the bed and came toward me. He kissed me on the forehead and wrapped his arms around me. We always shy away from looking at each other in the mirror, but this time we didn’t... and we look quite nice together...
As I looked at him, I thought quietly to myself, “damn dog, just bc I haven’t caught you yet doesn’t mean I don’t know”
I can be the jealous type but sometimes I wonder if monogamy is even for me. Like, I’ve seriously thought about it and let to run around my mind a few times but I don’t want to cross that line either. But then I might just need therapy bc I think I’m avoiding intimacy/relationship and needing more space than a man lol Or maybe I just need to detox and duck the hell off for a while.
—-
-
.Oppppps. Got a little tipsy there... ;D
-
I’m going in for a XXXXX, did you forgot? we gotta see each other before I go...how’s Thursday’s looking, let’s go out to dinner”
“Oh, I’ll be busy that day....let’s meet after, we’ll have the whole weekend and we can go to XXXXX”
He went silent for a while.
“I never hear from you for days...why can’t you ever call me?”
“We’ve discussed this and I don’t want to talk about it”
“My ex girlfriend, who is happily married, calls me more times than you. She calls to check up on me “just because”... you? I never hear a ring, not even a ding”
Well, you vanish for days... I have no idea what you’re doing and only call to throw scraps of your time at me. You can’t expects me to just take it and i don’t have to take any of it if I don’t want to...”
“YOU DO THE SAME SHIT! IVE CALLED YOU MORE TIMES THAN YOU EVER CALL ME! It’s a two way street...Are you ducking dating other people?!”
I thought about how I would answer him.
“No, I’m not... maybe this isn’t working out and we should stop seeing each other...
It is what it is, you know....If I find someone else, I’ll let you know... you’re free to go, whenever you want. I’m not chaining you to anything, that was never my intentions...I’m not trying anything, I’m not forcing anything or am I trying to catch you...
The thing is, he hurt my pride and I’ve kept on to those words he said to me. I have too much pride to chase him...I’m sad that I do that to him but he bruised me well...
-
then you should release some steam in vegas
april 7th and 8th flying back 9th
in vegas we trust :2funny:
your relationship drama is off the chart. Woo, glad I'm not that worse....
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There were hundreds of times I could of called the police on him. I never did. Mostly bc of fear, I get so paralyze by it that my mind and body/my whole world around me would shut down; feeling beat, I retreat...He’d warned me if I ever put him in jail, he will come out and hunt down everyone I know and get me.
“I will make your death look like it was an accident. When they find you, they will think that you’ve committed suicide...its not a threat, its a warning” he alway say this to me.
-
then you should release some steam in vegas
april 7th and 8th flying back 9th
in vegas we trust :2funny:
your relationship drama is off the chart. Woo, glad I'm not that worse....
Shut up lol
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Shut up lol
good
I will now party harder and party for 2
Eff relationship. Single for life or until I knock someone up. Old ancient ritual :2funny:
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I babysat my niece....
“Auntie, have you ever been bullied in school?”
I had to think for a second.
“Yeah, actually I have. It’s a boy that went to elementary school with me. Our teachers always put us together bc she keeps the student lined up in alphabetical order, so during field trips and school events we were always stuck together...he always found ways to pick on me”
“Was he the only bully?
“There was a Laotian boy... but he only picked on me sometimes on the bus....But when we go tto middle school we all became friends”
“You can’t be friends with a bully”
Yes you can... bc you grow up and things change, no one wants to be mean anymore”
“Have you ever been bullied?” I asked her
“Yeah but it’s a girl, last year in Mrs. XXXX class”
“Well if anyone ever messes with you, you have the right to punch them in the face and it’s ok.”
I lift my left fist up to my nose. She laughed.
So after we had this conversation, I got curious. Whatever the duck happened to XXXXX?
I knew he was a cop...There was a clip of his body cam video that made it to the internet. I won’t say why it was there but his voice still sounds the same with the same ****y tone. I think he got in trouble more for being cocky than he was trying to harassing someone lol A movie was made of him and his teammates many years ago when he used to play some professional sport....
The famous actor who played him as the main character said something along the line that he’s never meet such a XXXXXXXX player...
He was the biggest bully in my life when we were kids. In middle school we developed a crush on each other! If I could pick one person from my past to see, it would be him.
-
Sometimes people tell me their secrets that stay bothered in my mind. The kind you take to the grave with that shocks you so bad you wish it was never told to you bc it actually gives you nightmares.
The shock turns to anger, and the anger makes you want to take action. Then you realized the worst punishment is the punishment from God...
-
I feel like a hostage. How did I get myself here? All I need to do is walk away and block him, and that’s how the game ends. My heart can’t seem to do that bc he hasn’t done anything horribly wrong to me. I feel weak every time he convince me to stay, so I stay when I know I deserve better. Does he not know that keeping the relationship is only killing us both. We need to let go. We need to move on.
“Stop trying to convince me to stay. We don’t need to continue this..go live your life and be with who you want to be with” i said to him.
“I don’t want to end this, I love spending my time with you, we get along so well, we always have fun. Your my best friend. I’m not willing nor am I ready to say goodbye, I never will...”
“Your hurting me by hanging on...your selfish. Do you ever wonder if something wrong here?? Are you trying to make me a fool by pretending you want something when you don’t”
He got really emotional. I can hear his voice cracking and breaking...It was incredibly hard to understand what he was saying. And he was trying to get off the phone, but I wouldn’t let him go. We needed to talk through this and end it. What annoys me the most is that he won’t say the words. He never even utter a sound about breaking up...so do I have to go bat shit crazy for him to tell me it’s over? Am I not using the right words? Is it bc I do love him too that when he convinces me to stay, I see a glimmer of hope and so I fall back?
“I’ll call you, I’ll text you, I’ll send you pictures and I’ll let you know what I’m doing when I’m out there...”
“Your always leaving...just let go already...stop coming back to me...I won’t ask you to give me an explanation... i don’t care for a closure anymore... I’m not begging for your time or your love, that shits beneath me, I was just asking for a closure..but yeah, I don’t even want it anymore”
I felt numb but tears streamed down my face.
“I will not bc I can’t...When I get home, I’ll call you and I’m gonna take you out, I still owe you dinner....” he said in shaking and breaking voice that made me cried a little inside.
Prolonging the relationship is only more painful. Is he expecting me to always be there? Is he so used to having me around that he knows no matter where he goes in the world or how long he’s gone, I will still be around? Well , one day I won’t be there... one day he’ll look for me and I’ll be gone. One day he’ll try to find me And it would be like I never existed...
Why are we both struggling with this? I don’t need his permission to leave... but How can you walk from someone you’ve know this long and had this kind of relationship with And not give each other a proper goodbye?
I’m trying to understand and sometimes wonder if I’m blind and not seeing something here. 1+1 will always equal 2, I keep telling myself. 1+1 can’t be 8...
But I think sometimes we stay bc there’s this thing that feels unfinished about our relationship. Like we haven’t fully explore what’s there and haven’t given the relationship a real honest chance to be something great, to reach its potential. And he knows he’s not giving me the best of him and I’m not either. But if we did, it would probably be really amazing and it’s scary. The thought of leaving something unfinished is sad and incomplete. I think that’s what’s causing it to be so hard, he gets emotional about it and avoids it, I like to talk about it and find a way to end it. But even that’s not enough to even make me stay...
He wanted to meet up today so we can have a serious talk.
“These are things we need to talk face to face” he said to me.
“No... it’s pointless to meet up when we can just say it on the phone, I don’t see a reason to meet up for it...”
The truth is I’m not going to meet with him. I’m not going to go see him and I will make sure that last time we saw each other will be the last time he’ll ever see my face. Ok i say a lot of shit but Im not that strong yet...lol
I have a life to live and don’t have time for this. But why do men hang on and don’t let go even when it seems like the relationship had ran it’s course...even when the other is not happy anymore? Even when they have hordes of girls chasing them...even when you haven’t put much effort in... etc it just doesn’t make sense to me... Bc had it been another person, they would go already left and broken up and accepted the end of the relationship.
-
First time he flaked out on me the last minute for our lunch date and he knew it would piss me off, but he also know that I’m passive like that bc I hate making a big fuss over shit. I always let shit go bc I simply don’t want to deal with it. It’s better to piss me off than to meet me and have me end the damn thing. He was sweating on the phone, apologizing, tripping over words to find a good enough excuse to say to me why we can’t meet up wow...very unlike him.
He knows when I get there, I will say my last goodbye. I will tell him to move the hell on. And he will have no choice this time but to go with what I say.
He always keeps stalling me, will try to get off the phone to avoid me having these serious conversations with me. Will distract me with other things...will convince me that he will meet me in the middle and find a compromise and don’t want things to end.
So I don’t understand why...
Does he want me just slowly end it and fade from each others life without a closure?
Does he think I don’t deserve a goodbye?
Is he trying to piss me off so I can just give up and move on?
I already have in some ways...He just won’t let go, keep messaging me, keep asking me out. Keeps reaching out.... I’ve told him to stop reaching out:..and my last resort is to block him but I can’t block him with out that closure....why do I want that closure so bad?
I feel pathetic to need that closure so bad. I will let it all go but that fool keeps reaching out, making it extra hard to move the duck on...so that closure will make it official for us at least I feel like that.
And yeah while trying to post this he’s calling and texting for me to go out...omg for reals. Diner at 6 he texted bc I won’t reply back to his message...
-
First time he flaked out on me the last minute for our lunch date and he knew it would piss me off, but he also know that I’m passive like that bc I hate making a big fuss over shit. I always let shit go bc I simply don’t want to deal with it. It’s better to piss me off than to meet me and have me end the damn thing. He was sweating on the phone, apologizing, tripping over words to find a good enough excuse to say to me why we can’t meet up wow...very unlike him.
He knows when I get there, I will say my last goodbye. I will tell him to move the hell on. And he will have no choice this time but to go with what I say.
He always keeps stalling me, will try to get off the phone to avoid me having these serious conversations with me. Will distract me with other things...will convince me that he will meet me in the middle and find a compromise and don’t want things to end.
So I don’t understand why...
Does he want me just slowly end it and fade from each others life without a closure?
Does he think I don’t deserve a goodbye?
Is he trying to piss me off so I can just give up and move on?
I already have in some ways...He just won’t let go, keep messaging me, keep asking me out. Keeps reaching out.... I’ve told him to stop reaching out:..and my last resort is to block him but I can’t block him with out that closure....why do I want that closure so bad?
I feel pathetic to need that closure so bad. I will let it all go but that fool keeps reaching out, making it extra hard to move the duck on...so that closure will make it official for us at least I feel like that.
And yeah while trying to post this he’s calling and texting for me to go out...omg for reals. Diner at 6 he texted bc I won’t reply back to his message...
poocee too good to let go bra
how else can it be? :2funny:
Fool, go to vegas and enjoy yourself there. April 7 till friday the 9th. I'm there. I don't need sex either cuz i'm not like your psycho mexican boyfriend. :2funny:
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poocee too good to let go bra
how else can it be? :2funny:
Fool, go to vegas and enjoy yourself there. April 7 till friday the 9th. I'm there. I don't need sex either cuz i'm not like your psycho mexican boyfriend. :2funny:
Screw Vegas. I need a trashier place to be, like Amsterdam
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Screw Vegas. I need a trashier place to be, like Amsterdam
Screw amsterdam and your legal weed and prostitution
Why go there to mess up your life when you can do it here? You know what? I know of a chick who kept on posting pix of her and exotic beaches and destinations form around the world. Hot chick like you but never a pix of her man. The photographer is her man and smart chick knows how to get what she wants. She travels for free and only have to give up sex per destinations. It is only sex right? Our body is no longer a temple. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Matter of fact, I would like to go back to your first entry to your journal and bring back what I once said to you. Apply it today and see how my scary my prediction is. :2funny:
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Don't mind me if I can chime in a few words in regards to your situation and if it doesn't impress you then at least allow me to make lily laugh her azz off. :2funny:
So we have you still on the verge of a divorce and and ex still lingers around. You got this other guy who comes and goes like a ghost in the wind or whenever he feels like to get together for another session of touchy feelings.
If he doesn't know about your ex situation, here is my take on it.
Exclusive is actually friend's with benefits. I don't need to make emotional love with you but here I am, in 2 weeks for another make out session. The habit you are talking about is just that. Blah blah blah, you can date other people if you want but when we are together in two weeks or whenever I have the time, I will get MINE.
If he knows about you and your ex situation and he continues on this bi polar run of seeing you from time to time, it is only because he's shady himself. Baggers don't have a choice so even if you are still working it with your ex, so do I. I have lots of skeletons in my closet which makes your ex lingering situation seems just like a child's play.
If the both of you guys have baggage then everything cancels out. Like if lily meet a guy who has a few kids himself and they can still date but with the brandy bunch music on the background. :2funny:
years later, say it isn't true?
I warned ya. :2funny:
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This is what so different about men and women while giving advises. Women will push for the go ahead button but men like myself will give you a concern look.
I'm not here to ruin your fun but always take precautions. I have done and seen so many options that could of played out and believe me, all endings are ugly. I'm not going to stress it again. You will have to live and learn the hard way, just like how we all have gone through "ish" and more. ;D
All ends ugly I said. :2funny:
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I tell you what. I like to work with theories basing it upon bad science but don't hold me to it though. This covid season is like a rebound feeling so of speak. LIke it is hard enough to find a replacement during this time because our single social network is closed for business so what do people do? They will hold onto anything they can "for the time being" .... Being single and not having anyone or any outlet to stimulus the human mind sucks donkey balls. We are not used to this crazy madness and just like the changing habits of a quarantine, we go mad crazy and wanting to break quarantine with protest and resistance.
Not everything you hear is true such as them I love you long time or let me make a deposit in you. In the heat of the moment, people may say some stupid things. It is a playbook that works or perhaps a test of your will as well. Lets try to have a baby and we do really try like for the 100th times but I'm always pulling out cuz well, I changed my mind before the nut busting job but hey, thanks for sex. :2funny:
Who got played here?
This is why there is an old saying.. Don't give up sex until he puts a ring on it. AT least you can keep the ring in exchange for sex. Otherwise, you women are walking away with nothing. Guys will walk away with good memories as you are just another statistics to the on going struggles with this whole dating game shenanigan.
What you got is a covid 2020 booty call.
I called it. :2funny:
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double post :2funny:
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All ends ugly I said. :2funny:
It is what it is. That’s the whole point... tired of all these easy ass boring shit. I need to go to the dark side or something and experience all that crazy stuff people like to tell me about...and I won’t get that here or in Vegas lmao
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Your an idiot btw ::) you know nothing about love lol @ duma
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He blew up my phone..
“I’ll meet you there at the restaurant” I texted him
“Why? Come by my house and we’ll take Uber”
“Nah...”
“Nah? Look I’ll see you at the house I’m not sure where we’ll go eat at”
“For reals? You don’t know? You always know...”
At the house
“We’re not drinking...I want to be able to drive home after we eat”
“What’s wrong with you”
“Nothing... we’ll talk about it later”
After dinner we found ourself at his front porch.
“I won’t see you for a long time...”
“What do you mean? What if I die, you will never know.,”
“Duck stop throwing that shit at me... let’s not see each other for a while”
“No...”
“ I don’t want to see you anymore, I’m done. Go live your life. We’ll be friends, I’ll see you again, just not now”
“ ducken your crazy this is not the end. I planned a vacation for us in June, you can’t end this. Your going with me.,..”
“Go by your damn self”
“ oh my gosh rebel, we’re not ending this, call me... no, I’m going to call you”
“No, oh my gosh you, I’ll see you in a few months! I can’t do this crazy shit with you any more! I needa time out, a break”
“What do you want? You want to get married? You want kids, I’ll give them to you! I’ll give you what you want”
“ I don’t want nothing, I’m just done”
He ran after me to the car
“I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE, IM DONE.” I turned back and screamed at him
“Nah, you drive home and I’m gonna call you later, when your calm down and can think rationally”
“Call and see if I pick up, I’m done” before I shut my door
——
I keep preparing on what I would say to him. I was just going to tell him I was going to be busy and won’t see him for a couple months. I wanted to keep things simple. But oh well...
-
Your an idiot btw ::) you know nothing about love lol @ duma
You a dummy running around looking for love in all the wrong place.
You are like my Hmong friend who is gonna leave his wife soon. You see, he too only married his wife young cuz he knocked her up. He's just playing his husband role when he's with her but nothing special I'm seeing in a loving relationship. So when this Mistress was around, he felt that love, the missing loving feeling in his life as though he missed out on life. He's riding on cloud 9 I say. I hope it works out for him cuz he finally knows what love is. At least in this case, it is reciprocating on both sides.
I know what love is. Been there done that. I was once in loved too you know but I can't salvage a woman who likes many other di*cks.
I mean for those who reads this before it disappears, I got this Facebook page from rebel and same chit, I can never love a girl that looks like this. It's Poison I say so I saved me the headache from going any further. :2funny:
https://m.facebook.com/shouees.lee
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Sometimes you gotta shut your feelings off. duck these feelings! Lol But one thing I can’t shut off is my weird craziness inside, like an itch, I can only hone it down...trying the best to be a normal human being lol
Some days I feel like Harley Quinn-crazy, I just wanna run my ass through the desert with a rifle and go snake hunting, in nothing but a two piece and sunglasses on. Leave my hair messy. I’ll have a beer and a carton of star berries to snack on and maybe tamales for lunch. I’ll bring a damn beach chair so I can tan. I’ll Roll around in the desert sand and soak up the sun then wait for the sun to go down. I’ll knock myself out with some more alcohol then wake up early before the sun comes up so I can watch the sun rise... and I’ll just slay and slay and slay the day away.... I need to celebrate something lol
I can’t stand this easy pace of life...it Bores me to tears, I think I’m in need of an adventure..,,
Anyways I tore down a book shelf I had and donated the rest to a goodwill. Feeling sad but I’m borderline hoarding them, plus people been giving them to me so I have more than enough to read through in this lifetime lol spring cleaning what I call it
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You a dummy running around looking for love in all the wrong place.
You are like my Hmong friend who is gonna leave his wife soon. You see, he too only married his wife young cuz he knocked her up. He's just playing his husband role when he's with her but nothing special I'm seeing in a loving relationship. So when this Mistress was around, he felt that love, the missing loving feeling in his life as though he missed out on life. He's riding on cloud 9 I say. I hope it works out for him cuz he finally knows what love is. At least in this case, it is reciprocating on both sides.
I know what love is. Been there done that. I was once in loved too you know but I can't salvage a woman who likes many other di*cks.
I mean for those who reads this before it disappears, I got this Facebook page from rebel and same chit, I can never love a girl that looks like this. It's Poison I say so I saved me the headache from going any further. :2funny:
https://m.facebook.com/shouees.lee
Gonna go detox and cleanse my soul :(
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My friend got her 23 and me done a while ago and shared her results with me today. She’s 58 percent Scandinavian when she though she was something else and was surprise by the result.
“You should get yours done. You look like you could have a quarter Caucasian in you. I’ve seen all your family and you just don’t blend in...you’ll be surprise with what you find, girl!”
And she was right. I don’t see any Caucasian in me at all. But I don’t look like my parents either...There is no resemblance and I always knew that when I was little that in pictures that I took with my cousins/relatives I look kind of different but for someone to bring that up to me....just got me really thinking that maybe I am not who I thought I was this whole time.
Ordering my kit soon maybe I’ll share the results lol I wouldn’t be surprise if I have a little bit of Mexican and some flipino in me lmao there’s just no way I can be full Hmong, well it would be impossible bc we are so intermingle with other races but yeah we’ll see lol
Edit: I just thought of something really weird! Maybe I was switched at birth :o :2funny:
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I can’t believe how an experience can be so bad that it changed my entire outlook on relationships. Almost two years now since my ex and I split and I still feel like I had just came home from a war zone, experiencing occasional PTSD... Im liberated yet my soul is not free. I’m breathing but at the same time I still feel dead inside. I wake up some mornings freaking out thinking that I’ll wake up from a dream and my worst nightmare would come true, that my ex is still living in my home and still married to me...
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Few days before Easter Sunday
“I need to see you before I leave, I need you to take me to the airport”
“get them girls to take you...”
“I like to see you before I leave. We can talk, if you want”
After some time of going back and forth on the phone... We meet up again. And carried on where we left off, like nothing happened...I was too annoyed to get into conversations with him so I asked for a movie. He put on the movie “Time” with Justine Timberlake...
“You don’t want to end this? Fine” I said to him quietly from the couch
He smiled.
And back to square one.
“But this time things will be different.”
——
Later that night after the movie ended
“Listen, I’m coming back in 10 days... write the date down on your calendar bc I’m going to need you to pick me up at the airport. And I need you to go take your birth control out bc when I get back we going to try for a baby”
I jumped the off the couch
“Nooo! What the hell is wrong with you....What makes you think I’m a qualified person to be a parent? I still want to travel and do things with my life... I can’t do all that with kids... I just barely got out of a marriage... I haven’t experience all of life...there’s places I want to go, things I want to do..”
“We get along so well and I’m serious about this. You can still do all that and travel, I don’t mind having the kids while you live your life...I want some cute little Hmong girls...so we’re going to plan for it! Take your birth control out before I get back...Besides, I found a few properties in Hawaii and in time I’m moving out there... I’ll want you to go out there with me...if you want”
No way I’ll have kids without some kind of commitment. Fool, alway playing games with me.
I dropped him off In the morning. When he reached his destination he texted me
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Hi Rebel, love shouldn’t be this complicated. I think you’re hanging around someone whose toxic, you should really make up your mind about your cat and mouse chases with him and whether it’s worth the heartache.
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Hi Rebel, love shouldn’t be this complicated. I think you’re hanging around someone whose toxic, you should really make up your mind about your cat and mouse chases with him and whether it’s worth the heartache.
You’re right. Except I think sometimes I am the toxic one... and he is too. But then how does a normal relationship look like? I’m not even sure...I’m semi commitment phobic and been in semi toxic relationship all my life lol
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The day we had that discussion he told me to look for baby names. He was throwing some names out saying he wanted to name them after beautiful locations. But we came out with names like, Catherine and Victoria...and St. Michael lmao in case it’s a boy
“I want powerful girl names” he said
“Well you should go find some beautiful location...you could name them” I said it but wasn’t so serious at the time
Over a week now since and I finally gave my self time to think deeply about it. I imagine how our life would be... and it’s freaking me out....
I finally knew why he had put that movie on for me. Our time in life is ticking away and sometimes you don’t have all that time in life to ponder so long about things. Everyday that second is ticking...ever y breathe we take is a breath gone. And we only have so much heart beat in our lifetime to beat. To think that way makes me want it even more...
What I love the most about him is that he has a tender and nurturing side to him which I find strange for a man of his kind. I remember on two occasions I was so sick and he took so much good care of me that I was left feeling so cared for and loved, like a baby. That tenderness and love from a guy like him felt strange yet i was mystified by it. My own mother don’t even love me or took care of me that way...And I remember thinking to myself of what kind of amazing father he could be...
“Don’t die on me now” he would say. And he’d laugh... while he wrapped me up in blankets and was unbothered by how gross and sick I was...
————
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Rebel, hope you are doing well. :)
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Rebel, hope you are doing well. :)
Doing awesome. Thanks for asking
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The only way to keep each other at this point is to have a baby...or fully commit...
I’ve been keeping myself busy the past few months doing my own thing. Recently he started calling me, wondering why I’m always out and about with friends...
“Well things are opening up again...so I been going out..”
“Well why don’t you come over after your done shopping and dinner?”
“Oh it’ll be too late” I said to him, partially lying
“Looks like your going on a date...But ok, have fun” i can tell by his tone of voice he was upset. But oh well... as far as I know I’m single but in a relationship lol
Oh and that trip he came back from? He hung out with a girl out there and got into a knife fight with some bums who was trying to rob them... the girl did something stupid which caused these bums to go after them and try to rob them.
Its funny how he always have weird stories like this to tell me whenever he comes back
“I was so mad...” he said “she pissed me off so much...so I told her to duck off and that I didn’t want to hang out anymore.... I left her behind with the bums...but I’m gonna take you there...” he said.
——
He played some songs and had them on repeat.
“Don’t you hate it that every time I come back from somewhere, I only bring back love songs to you?”
I didn’t answer him. He started talking about love again. That love is the most amazing high in the world. I told him I don’t know how it was to be in love. He told me if I didn’t know he’ll show me. I’m not sure I know what he mean by all this, like perhaps we’re on different pages when it comes to it. Like he loves spreading his love around or likes giving it away? But I don’t randomly give mine away, I don’t wear my heart on my sleeves...
——-
Porch convo
“Im serious when I said I want babies... I want a couple cute little Hmong kids...it doesn’t have to be two, you know.. we can have more”
“I took my birth control out a week after you were gone...I wasn’t sure...you think we’ll be good parents?”
“Of course! I mean what I say...But after what I’ve gone through with my ex...I’m not sure I want to marry again...she took everything I worked so hard for...I have to start over. I don’t think I can go there...But don’t ever ruin what we have here, I love everything about it!”
I didn’t say anything. Bc I don’t want to go there again either. After the hell I went through with my ex, I’m still trying to heal from that damage. I don’t even know if I can ever commit into a relationship again, the reason I put this relationship in limbo is bc even though I want it, I’m not ready to throw my whole self into it, the commitment and responsibility and such that comes along with it...feels so draining to me and it exhaust me just thinking about it...
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Doing awesome. Thanks for asking
That's great to hear! :)
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Rebel, hope things are OK with you. Let us know how you're doing. :)
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Rebel, hope things are OK with you. Let us know how you're doing. :)
I got an extra banner card that read "I told you so" for the borrowing :2funny:
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I got an extra banner card that read "I told you so" for the borrowing :2funny:
What??
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What??
somewhere in this thread here is when I told her my "I told you so" bickering. Girl gonna learn the hard way or the highway. I saw it coming from a mile away. Toxic romance, if you can call it that. :2funny:
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She's an adult. She's fine. I just miss her writing. I think she and I could be flens in real life. Funny how you get attached to online personalities and miss them when they are offline. :D That said, it's nice to see you online, Duma. Hope you book a nice vacation this summer. Do share about your vacation plans. Maybe it'll give me ideas on where to go for my own vacation. :)
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She's an adult. She's fine. I just miss her writing. I think she and I could be flens in real life. Funny how you get attached to online personalities and miss them when they are offline. :D That said, it's nice to see you online, Duma. Hope you book a nice vacation this summer. Do share about your vacation plans. Maybe it'll give me ideas on where to go for my own vacation. :)
Pandemic of 2020 gave me time to harvest all them vacation hours. We max 300 here n I'm at 260 unused.
Once it is ok, I'm flying to Singapore n Vietnam but my friend got a thing for Taiwanese. Vegas I already went but still in the Talking phase now. The mn cheating buddy of mine got a birthday in September so he wanna meet up in Vegas.
I dunno. Throw some ideas out there, I'm looking for options myself
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Dammit, Duma, you scared Rebel away. Dammm you! :P Hopefully she's safe and well and she will come back to ph soon.
Anyway, 300 hours?! Nice! O0 Man, if I were you and I didn't have anything or anyone to tie me down, my vacation hours would be 0. I'd be constantly traveling and hearing the crushing of the ocean waves so much. hehehe
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Don't forgot to update us cuz well,
if my life sucks cuz I'm right and I told you so, I'll be too embarrassed to show my face up here again.
Without your funky orthodox romance with this bozo, what is there to type on here journal you know?
If you got knocked up by dude or even gotten back with your ex, you know what's my motto " I TOLD YOU SO" and I will continue to grind you with more "I TOLD YOU SO"
Now if you catch covid and die, I'm sorry and I take everything back.
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;D :D Hey guys! I can’t believe so much time went by. Holy shit! I been so caught up with stuff lol I’m doing great! Hope you guys are too!
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Every time I try to go and hang out with “someone,” some thing happens to my car!
Like the time I drove out to the XXXXX the axel of my car suddenly gave out and broke and I was stranded on the side of a freeway and had to call AAA. The guy I was trying to hang out with thought I was trying to flake on him because I’ve tried to cancel several dates in the past and he didn’t take it really well. He thought I made the whole thing up. While I was in panic mode in that moment, freaking out that something serious had happened to my car…he was pissed about it because we never got to meet up and didn’t even try after that.
Then I try to hang out with another dude, this guy was Hmong and he kept asking me out lmao. I drove close to the location we were going to meet up and have coffee… since I got there 10 min early I decided to go to the gas station nearby to put some gas in my car. My car suddenly stopped working. Shit wouldn’t turn on. I called him and he thought I was trying to flake on him. But I wasn’t. I asked him to come and pick me up at the gas station. I took this as a sign that the universe is telling me something… I should be careful and stay loyal. I am, I just want to make friends lol
Another time this happens was with a guy in my city. He kept asking me out so I thought to myself, “heck why not, it’s just coffee, down the street!” Welp, the thing was working fine and I drove around in it all day long and nothing happened except when I try driving out to meet him….so that date never happened either!
….in my car wasnt reading my key fobs correctly…. But every time I drove out to see my guy who lives 45 away, I don’t have any issues with it. And I see him more than I ever see these other friends. And when I go hang out with my girlfriends, i don’t have any problems with the vehicle. But whenever I try to go on dates, my car suddenly disarms itself, breaks down or sends me warning messages lol so freaking weird, and annoying and scary that a car can be that unreliable that it can just die instantly for no reason like that lol It freaks me out so much I don’t try to hang with men even after I got the issue fixed.
Anyways, I mostly drive European cars so my family likes to laughs at me when I have certain issues like this lol I love that car though and honesty maintain it really well. Looking for something new, like an Asian car but you know deep down I really want a Tesla 🤣
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It’s almost a year since the trip we took to see his family but a few days ago he brought it up to me when we were driving to dinner. He said that the next time he will let me know so I can pack clothes. I was driving but I looked over at him and he had a sad look on his face, he seemed to be almost crying…
“Why are you upset about that” I asked him.
It was not like him at all, he doesn’t get like this with me, never will he get emotional, even when his mom died he never cried to me…
“I wished I would of told you where we were going and you could of packed some clothes on that trip… I feel bad. He was sniffling. Next time I’m going to let you know so you can have fresh clothes to wear when we go traveling…i was thinking about how you were washing your underwear and shirts so you can wear it the next day…that hurt me and I’m sorry..” he said to me as he wiped snots from his nose.
It was so random. In that moment, I didn’t know why he was so hurt about it…
But he’s gone on several other trips since then with families and friends and I’m sure they all packed fresh clean clothes with them. He must of felt guilty about it. Many other occasions when we went anywhere, he took me by surprise and I always end up wearing the same clothes I have on…and it was always some big surprise type of thing…at the end of these ventures, I always felt like we were two dirty little kids… wearing filthy and raggedly clothes, licking ice cream on the street corner without a care in the world lol and this was all during the pandemic
“Moments like this are the best” he would say to me. And I’ll ook over at him with a swell in my heart. And I would smile at him like I’m some little kid girl…
There were times we’d visited cities we didn’t know and we’d be brushing our teeth’s out on the corner street like two bums… it was fun. Or the time we went to the lake, we ended up swimming buttnaked…he takes me on these unglamorous trips but they were moment we’d remember forever.
Somehow he got emotional about that one trip because it was far and it meant something to him.
Continue…
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So glad to see that you are alive and well, Rebel!
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So glad to see that you are alive and well, Rebel!
Thanks :)
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Continued
That was the day before…
Last night before his big old trip again, he made dinner like most times and then he played the song “nothing compares to you” (O’Connor) it was on repeat. After dinner was over…. He replayed the song again, he stood next to me and stoked my hair like he would a child until the song ended. I didn’t realized it until today that the song was played over a dozen time that night. I clicked on a video of us having dinner…i filmed us being goofy…In it was the same song as our background music. I didn’t realized that it was on repeat and was played during our entire dinner…over us talking and laughing, over us clashing’s forks and cups… I was too distracted to notice that he played Prince and purple rain also but prince wrote the song and he also sung the song, “nothing compared to you….”
He made halibut for dinner… and yeah he left me again for another long trip.
“You know I love you…I’ll call you when I get back” he said to me
“love you..(long pause) call me” i said to him.
“Don’t worry I will when I get back… be careful and drive safe… have fun at work”
I shut the car door. I drove out of the driveway and looked over at him one last time before I drove off down the street….in the rearview I see him pulling out of his drive way, going the other way.
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When we meet I never wanted to let him know that he share the same birthday as my dad. My ex husbands birthday is also a day before both their birthdays. Something else I find funny is that his best friend shares the same birthday as my ex husband.
These men share one thing in common, the same mother f’n zodiac sign.
When he told me his birthday, I was double shocked and I almost chocked as I ate lol because for one, I was hoping he wasn’t a psycho like my ex and two I didn’t want the fact that he had the same birthday as my dad to influence our relationship, like in a superstitious kind of way
I finally told him on one of our drives and he was shocked and grew quite. Perhaps he thought I made the shit up but oh, he’ll find it to be the truth. Or maybe he was thinking of how weird that was…His name also sounds similar to my dads….So close, if you say his name in a Hmong ish accent, it will sound like my dads…. We used to joke about it.
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Few days before Christmas…I was invited to one of my ex husbands family dinner. I declined even though I knew my ex was not going to be there. I was not in the right mind. I was going through some tough shit and I was a bit moody lol so I ignored their calls for a while….however one of their cousin came by and told me that it would be something nice because a family member had requested for me to be there. The only reason why is because they can’t contact their grandson, who at times, will vanish for long periods of time…so sometimes they keep in touch with me so they can keep tabs on him.
“Their health is slowly declining and don’t believe will make it around for another year… they want you there” They said to me.
I always dread going to any family function on his side because it always ends up in fights and shit goes down but I always went anyways when we were still together. I guess seeing me to them is the closet thing to seeing their grandson.
Dinner was nice. It’s the same kind of food made every holidays… nothing ever changes for years and years, except for desserts. Nothing went down this time either and it was more of a calm type of gathering. It has been an exhausting year so nobody had no the energy left to say stuff…we all ate quietly and everyone tried to catch up to all the “life changing shit” that had happened. Mine was probably the worst!
His side of this family is the covert racist side and yes, very religious. I’m surprise they haven’t said much shit about Asians lol In front of me they act like they have mad respect even when I know they are full of shit! They are the very npab nauj type of whites. They eat southern food and some of them still live in a bubble. When you go there it’s like your in some western movie in some hick towns in the middle of nowhere. Thats bc they live in the unincorporated part of the city and they own a huge piece of land, kind off by itself. Which is rare, coming from where I’m from. Their only grandson from their only son is my ex husband. The rest are daughters, cousins, nieces and aunts etc.
When I was leaving one of the family came up to me and said, “we haven’t been in touch…. I feel like we’re strangers now.. you should call more often and come by”
“I will” I told them.
It’s sad sometimes that when a relationship ends everything around it falls apart. Sooner or later, I just know it, we will start drifting apart….I will call less and less and they will come around less and less… and I know that we try not to severed the ties but we all live different lives…. And lead different path in our life… it is kind of sad but it’s just a part of life!
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We went out to eat at this super fancy place… towards the end of dinner he got up to go used the bathroom and bumped into one of his friends daughter…who happened to work there. Coincident? I Didn’t ask. He brought her over to introduce to me.
“Oh shit your the girl from the river…hey hi” she said excitedly as she extended her hands to shake mine, she looked at me sternly like she was studying me.
“Hey…The river??” I said confused
I immediately thought she had mistaken me for some other girl he took with them to the river. (This time was the time he ask me to come over and told me he was leaving with guy friends for a week)
After a short chat, he excused himself to go use the bathroom. I asked the girl why he mentioned the river… I noticed the girl was either nervous or overly excited!
“Oh… we all went to the river together last year and all he did was talked about a girl named Rebel… the entire time. So yeah I heard of your name at the river” she chuckled
“I’m sure he sent you pictures of us too, I saw him texting our group pics to you, like a bunch of pictures of us..”
“Yeah I did I received them…” I said with a smile
I wanted to ask him more about it when we left but the girl already told me everything I wanted know lol
That was a strange night, almost like he purposely picked that place so we can bump into each other, of all places we could of went to we drove far across town for that/ But she was surprise to see him and they exchanged numbers so it was an accident
Anyways, I was burnt out and tired that night. We got back from dinner and he put on a movie. I decided to give Him a good ass massage so he can knock himself out and leave me alone lmao.
The next morning.
“Ill call you on Sunday, drive safe home.”
——
How did we end up at a fancy restaurant when I wasn’t entirely hungry that day? Lol
Well…He went on a last minute trip without me knowing. I only knew about it the day he called me to go and pick him up at the airport. I was beyond furious that he keeps doing this. He only came home because his work needed him and he abandoned some very important projects to go hunting in the Midwest with some hill billy guys he meet at some airport… of all the people and friends that he knows, I’m the one that live the farthest from the airport and from his house yet he calls me anyways. And so I drove there half pissed and half annoyed and by the time I got to him, it was near midnight. I wanted to slap his face when I see him. I had planned to knock his teeths out too for always mother ducken leaving without telling me… makes me wonder see if he’s doing this to purposely piss me off….
But when his ass rolled out of the terminal, his face lit up when he saw me. He was scuffy but handsome as a puppy…He threw his shit in the back seat came around to the driver side and gave me a bear hug….
“I’m going to make it up to you…I owe you dinner… “ and that was how we ended up there at that restaurant.
When we got to his house that night from the airport, he realized he had left his backpack and house keys at the airport…
“I was in a ducken hurry to see you so I forgot them..oh well..”
“Don’t you ever rush yourself…”
“I’ll remember that the next time..”
He ended up breaking down a window to get us in and spent two hundred dollars the next day to have it repaired.
He is a bad boy… who does spontaneous things like this all the time. I just haven’t shared all the shit he’s made me do…
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***whew :D
Being away makes me appreciate thing differently; and I realized even more than ever, that in the end all that matter is your own family. The one who truly have your back, who will love you no matter where you are in the world. No matter where I end up, my soul will always fly back to them. That family love has always been there…
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I came home from dropping my guy friend off at the airport and came to see my ex waiting outside my house. He still have tools he had left behind. I’m not sure why he hasn’t taken everything to put into his storage unit with the rest of his other shit. Sometimes he finds excuses to come by to pick them up…but I’m too unbothered to give a shit..
My ex left the state for awhile, then decided to show up at my house without warning to “try”to terrorize me…
But…I’m no longer the same woman when he left. No longer the same person when we meet. He slowly realizing that he’s got no control over me and is losing grip of his grasp, his clutch is slipping from my neck and he feels it.
“Why are you here?” I said as I walked right past him
“I came by to get my shit...where were you?”
“Nowhere... i went out..”
“Not what your mom said...”
I ignored him.
What these men don’t know is that I’ve just been loving my own life, living my life and doing my own things... not him, not even my guy have a say in what I choose to do with my free time.
He took his tools and left. I can sense he wanted to talk, there were hesitation in his voice but there’s nothing left to say to each other.
When he left , I just shut the door behind...witho ut a bye.
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It’s one of those days, I’m feeling like Harley Quinn. I have so much repressed emotions that need to be let out in some crazy way. I want to crawl on someone’s lap be babied and loved at the same time I want to drive far away to some abandoned field and scream at the top of my lungs.
Apparently my therapist told me that I am mentally and emotionally healthy. That will be my next story time
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***sensitive topic***
I don’t know if this is appropriate to share but I still want to share it anyways…
I ended up going to therapy after my neighbor committed suicide..that shit legit ducked me up so bad! Not only did it traumatized me in every sense but I was deeply sad for many months. Seeing his lifeless body left me having terrifying nightmares…those images will stay with me for the rest of my life….and I would ask myself, why the duck did he have to go out that way….
I still can’t believe it…the way he chose to go… yeah, he’s got some big ass balls to take his ass out that way… and I mean that hurts and pisses me off at the same time… it was in the middle of a beautiful and sunny day, on a busy ducken afternoon… he woke up that day and decided that it was time to leave this shit life behind and whether he was going to descend to hell or float away to the heavens, that didn’t matter, he was wanting to go to on to some place else, some place better and, he was ready. Or are these events unplanned?
He took his own life in front of his house!
I heard a loud single pop sound which startled me….by the time I got my sandals on and ran outside to see what was going on, the cops and medics arrived and had begun taping down the street with caution tape. I live in a small town so it took 5 minutes for them to arrive. And within that short time, he was gone. There was no more…
And I weeped and for a while I grieved over the loss like he was a lover, a child of mine.
There were no signs, everyone kept saying. How did he get a gun, everyone kept asking. No one knows…but that shit killed my soul, I wanted to rewind the day, back to the moment he was alive, wished I could of done something to help him. I feel a sense of guilt. I think back to the last time I saw him, which was the day before and those last few months… he always looked at me like he wanted to talk or say something but I always acted like I was too good to stop for a short chat. I hate that about myself… I have this issue with my pride… and I am working on it.
Continue…
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Continuation…
Months later and I changed my window curtains which looks out toward the location he died. My house would of been the last thing he saw before he went down and I was just there, sitting in my living room just a few yards from him…..Im eerily creeped out about it, sometimes I wonder if his sprit still roams around… I don’t know. But I will tell you this, that day, as I sprinted outside to see what was going on, I smelled a strong scent of roses coming toward me and a gush of wind that came right at my face…. I spunned around to smell it, inhaled it and I noticed that I was surround by this sweet scent of funeral flowers, of roses and carnations….I’m sure it was him in that very moment when his spirit left his body and it drifted with the winds out toward me
Moments when I’m alone I still think about him. Or when I’m doing the dishes, I’m staring directly at the spot….How can a person suffer that greatly and we just didn’t know about it…and that shit breaks my heart… this experience was deeply sad but in some way it was in a hauntingly, sorrowful, strange and sad kind of way…
If you ever feel suicidal please get help!
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I know.
http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,408811.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,408811.0.html)
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I know.
http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,408811.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,408811.0.html)
***heart this :)
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Some times he takes his sweet time texting me back and the only way to get him to text me asap is when I’m already kind of mad… Ill text him:
“Where you at?”
This is the only time I get an immediate response and a follow up picture to show where he’s at.
And I learn this from him.
We rarely text each other.
But my friend R messages me all day long.
He’s like fire, burning steadily in the night and I am like a fluttering and flighty moth attracted to the light; wanting to be warmed by the glow but never daring to get too close…scared I may be burned by it’s flames and get swallowed up in the inferno
He fulfills this need without even touching my body. And I keep craving for it like a drug…and when I get a dose of its attention; I am breathless and I feen for him like a junkie…
but I know it’s wrong, it takes a lot of self discipline to not even go there. To not want to meet him… to say no when my body says yes… I know it’s wrong…
He speaks my love language
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http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,341174.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,341174.0.html)
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Why do men get mad??? I only went by to smash and then I took off right after and he’s mad lmfao gotta think like a dude some times, I guess haha I got work tomorrow and no time to sit around and chit chat…and be lovey dovey and shit!
“I’ll see you next week” I told him before giving him a goodbye kiss on his cheek. He was clearly disappointed, and I can tell by his face he was mad but oh well I gotta go lol
Oh and he got me dinner too haha
Lmfao that was the first time I did that. And I wasn’t trying to be mean. I didn’t thought he would be so butthurt over it.
Edit: So I got home… I’m tired as F and he’s texting me wanting to talk. Oh lord. Guys do this shit all the time to girls…Yes I’m annoyed so I’m doing this shit back but maybe subconsciously .
Put a ring on this finger or duck the hell off. It’s long enough and I no longer give a damn…
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OK imma stop now :2funny:
http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,341246.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,341246.0.html)
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OK imma stop now :2funny:
http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,341246.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,341246.0.html)
Nice :) :) :)
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Yesterday;
I came home and drank one and a half cup of wine before I wrote that last post. Wanted to pass out and go to sleep. But I was wondering to myself… how it would be like to be a dude for one day! I can just call to use them for sxx only when i want. Leave them when I want. Be greedy all the time. Be selfish all the time… but I’m not like that. I wonder if men feel bad for using a girl for sex…if you think about it, prostitutes get paid…ugly asses, ducked up no teeth woman on the streets get paid for their time and their services and get F in the process….And we girls…yes we girls just want love and these men just use our body……like we’re not even worth it. So basically We’re just free prostitutes, cheap ass hoes…. So girls never bee a free one… f them and leave them or have them pay you! Matter of fact, don’t even duck them at all until there is a ring in your finger. I’m still mad at how we got here with our relationship but that’s another story…our FIRST DATE story. There was some coercion and manipulation… that’s why I’m always kind of mad about things…
I feel bad afterward…I left in such a hurry. I was exhausted and I have to drive home. I didn’t want to end up spending the night and try to fight through traffic in the morning. I didn’t want to have to explain shit to him either
When I got home, I ignored his texts. Yes!!! I had a hard week… why’d you think I called him for? Lmfao
Finally texted him: “sorry for being a POS!” xoxo
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Few weeks ago that I forgot to post
We’re getting to a new phase in our relationship. Things have changed between us. He is not the same and so am I. Lately he is snappy, and I am easily annoyed.
Then the weirdest crap happens, he wants me to meet the son
“I’m not sure if you’re ready..”
On a car ride to dinner I finally snapped!
“Why can’t you say anything…say something to me GODDAM it! Why don’t you ever say a duckEN thing?” I screamed over the music
I looked at him and, nothing. His eyes were glued to the road in front of him..,He does that to me… when there is an issue, and I got something to say….. he keeps his mouth closed and not a single words come out of it. He’s avoiding me. Dodging the subject. That makes me even more furious. It’s feels like I’m screaming at the wall and the wall is silent. Then when I calmed down, he comes and try to talks to me by then, I’m already so over the problem I don’t want to talk about it any more.
I came home and I made a list of shit I would never tolerate again from a man…and what I want.
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My friend Ryan… message me twice after some conversation we had
Twice he wrote: “I really want to be yours” and then again… “I want to be yours”
I really don’t know why but that really turned me on. It feels like he is submitting to me…serving himself on a plate for me… giving me permission to have him
Still in my mind, it’s wrong. And I know it’s wrong..
I ended up not going out today…. It’s like I suddenly not sure what I wanted to do tonight or who I wanted to be with… I’m just exhausted so I’m sorry if I’m just dumping stuff from my mind tonight hahaha
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I was just thinking… was Ryan asking to be my boyfriend??? I’m over analyzing the shit out of what he said to me…
Ok so instead of, “Will you be my girlfriend…” he’s not asking but stating that……”I want to be yours…” (he wants to be mine?) totally confusing. What’s the difference between asking one person and stating something?
Why didn’t he ask me “can you be mine?” Or will you be my girlfriend or I want you to be mine etc
Instead, it’s “I want to be yours” which means… what? that he want to be kept by me, that he is already mine?
Or Is that ultimately just a sexual way of saying that I can do what I want to him… lmao
A few weeks ago, he hinted to me that we would be one badass awesome couple… but I brushed it off.
——-
Anyways, I had a nice morning. A nice cup of coffee. And yeah, sure I wish I can talk about other things in my life but I guess apparently people may already got me figured out here so I can’t share what people know…or spicy stuff unless I want people to talk shit lmao and when I say share, i mens to dump all my personal life issues here… yeah I got a lot of dumping to do. Only thing people don’t know is my love life… I keep that private but if I was to tell you my favorite song then yeah…you would know it’s me lol
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I got poems relating to your recent entries. Anyways, whats your favorite songs?
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I got poems relating to your recent entries. Anyways, whats your favorite songs?
Share it. I can’t tell you my favorite song, at least not today lol
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Between the two, my guys is more confident and extremely social. He talks with a smile… he is handsome with a baby-faced bad boyish look…he young at heart, playful, an extrovert. And YES everywhere we go, he gets hit on (story another time) He’s very clever…he knows a lot about the world, like all that bitty gritty things that you probably wouldn’t care about. He takes risk, the not scared to die type.
But Ryan is very manly and can come off a little intimidating because of his beard, tattoos and height. Hes the cautious daddy type. Big but with a soft heart. He likes a subject hes passionate about it and will talk or show me it. My guy is a little short tempered, he would never really show how angry he can get but you can feel the vibe in a room when he is quiet and I am mad.. Ryan is much more patient, he’s gentle and is not bother by me flipping out.. My guy is more avoidant, Ryan is not. My guy is very Americanized and liberal in his thoughts with a touch of his culture. Ryan is somehow more of a traditional guy, conservative in his thinking/at least it seems. He’s old school.
My guy Would never put up with any shit… Ryan? He will sit across from me at a dinner table and look me in the eye and tell me he’s got the hottest girl in the whole place and that he was okay that I was a tab but toxic. “I can put up with that! And I don’t mind!” He would say. And I would tell him not to encourage me to lol My guy have no self control… Ryan does. My guy will manipulate me to get what he wants… he can be selfish/clever at times and is greedy in a sexual kind of way and he will take and never feel bad about it, he is assertive.
He wears Versace and eat only at fine dinning places and wear nice clothes and wants the best of everything. If it’s not good enough, he rejects it. Ryan is not a picky eater, doesn’t care too much in luxury stuff..And he just like things to be ok and doesn’t have a complaint about most things. They both lead two different life…. And I can see myself in both
They both have tattoos, are the same ethnicity, drives the same kind of trucks, loves football and roots for the same baseball team. They both love to cook and loves to show off that skill. They both grew up around the same time, around the same area. I pray to god they don’t know each other! One is a pretty bad boy and the other one, a sophisticated gangster!
My guy got me on the first night of our date. And I will share that another time… Ryan? For months had not tried to touch me… “Im careful, I don’t want to duck this up!” He always say to me.
When I’m with my guy I feel like we’re at the same level. We match energy. We match vibes. When both our energy comes together, it’s this strange vibrational feeling I can’t explain. When I’m with Ryan…. He makes me feel like a woman. He makes me want to surrender myself to him… he makes me wants to become submissive…he brings out my soft side and I treat him very sweetly unlike my guy who I treat like a friend if not a lover.
I lust after them both in different way.
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Marriage had never really cross my mind, to be honest and I had always been commitment phobic my whole life. But lately the thought of settling down is starting to hit me. I’m actually at that point where I’m really thinking of it even though I was married before. It’s not the same.
I want to raise kids…cook my man dinner and keep a clean and nice smelling home. I want to have family gathering and make all the food from scratch. I want to bring my kids to soccer practice and be involved in their school. If I have a daughter, she’ll be in Girl Scout. If I have boys, they’ll play football. I want them to play musical instruments and be well rounded kids and we’ll cultured. I want them to be tough but have good manners.
I want to make it to Sunday service dressed in our Sunday best. I want to have outings and daycations, I want to plan trips and travel around with my little family so they can explore the world, and we can make memories. I want to have a garden, an orchard and plant my own roses. I want to live in a middle class family friendly neighborhood where all the houses do not look the same and our neighbors are like minded. I want to be on some boat some where and we’re relaxing as we watch the sunset while drinking margaritas…
I want to be with the most handsome and loving man who respects me and adores me and cherished every moment with me. I want to be able to look at him and one day at the end of our life be able to say “thank you for such a beautiful life!” I want to respect him and take care of him and love him and stand by him. I want him to never stop chasing me and I want to always be loving on him. Oh and sure I can go on with this but I’ll stop here for today….
And yeah here I am trying so hard not to be a hoe lmfao everyone keeps telling me to hoe myself and get the shit out of my system, but I won’t. There is so many men serving their penis on a silver platter and I still can’t mother ducken put them on a rotation and use them. I’m so duckEN gross out by this shit! Lol just a thought for the day :)
Lately, Ryan’s been calling me “baby” I don’t know how I feel about that, mix feelings…
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Ryan invited me to a wedding…I went looking for a dress and was getting my hair and nails done but I began to have anxiety about going with him… we will be all alone and 9 hours away from home…I do not want to go there and make a mistake with him. I also did not feel I was ready to meet his entire family. So I backed out last minute. Ryan was so calm about it that it left me in a bit of a shock…I was expecting him to flip out..
He went to the wedding by himself but made me feel like I was part of it… he took a pictures with each family members…and sent me videos of the wedding…
“Wish you were here” he continually texted me through out the wedding
When he was on his way home he made sure I knew it. When he got home he message to let me know he was home. All without me asking….
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All the while this is going on… Guy is in another state…he had called me to go pick him and his friends up at the airport later in the evening… so around the time I was going out to pick him up…. He called to let me know that he and his friends were so drunk that they missed their flight.
He could barley talk to me and I could hardly understand him. It was either, “we’re too ducked up they won’t let us on the plane or we’re so drunk we missed the plane!” I don’t know which one was the truth.
“Oh so you’re gonna be out there acting like a damn fool!” I said to him
“I ducken hate you…” I said to him “and I ducken meant it…”
Then I hung up.
Guy called later to apologize.
“you’re a damn good woman, I’m sorry..” He kept repeating but they are just words that meant nothing to me…
“well, my friends are going to the brothel in town but I’m not going, I’m staying right here in bed…those p are nasty and smelly, I can smell it a mile away”
I didn’t let him finish and I hung up on him and he didn’t bother calling back bc he know I won’t bother picking up. That was on a Friday.. I forgot about him…
Sunday afternoon rolls around and Guy called me 6x. I changed his contact name to **** -do not pick up! lol I finally picked up on the seventh call.
“Babe Can you pick us up?”
“You ducken kidding me, it’s ducken Sunday and your ass is still there??? ” I said as calmly as I could. “Find your own damn ride….”
“K babe I will, I’ll call you when I get back!” He said nervously like a dog that know he’s gonna get his ass beat later!
I’m too old for this shit.
I wouldn’t be so pissed but when he called that Friday morning about his flight, he had me buy a case of alcohol plus some liquor and I had also put in 60 dollars in gas… for me to spend almost 100 dollars for him and for him to call me being all drunk and not be able to fly home, we’ll that shit just pissed me off so much…I can’t deal with that..
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Got into a huge fight
“Damn woman, I’m gonna put your ass to sleep!”
“Yeah ducken try ******!”
My ass KO’d and I went to into a deep sleep for several hours. I woke up and dinner was ready and my movie playing
——-
I picked up a new hobby also. Can’t say what it is but let’s just say that the only way to enjoy it is to go on a adventure.
I’m loving it. But I’m always scared I might get chased by some wild animals…perhaps humans… so I’m always watching my back and not enjoying it much…
I try to stay on the path but staying on the path ain’t no fun. The fun is in the messy area where no man has touched…
——-
Went out with my girls friend to some local brewery and some guy whooped out his **** as we got to the car at the end of the night. He pretty much chased us to our car… that was quite scary because anything can happen within minutes and it’ll be all over.
That triggered something from my past… it was terrifying…it sent me into a panic attack
——
I hate when people tell me that I’m strong. Im not. Im fragile but like a bomb
——
And when I can’t deal with life… I have my phone on airplane mode and disappear for a while.
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Ryan’s mom is very intimidating… she reminds me of Miranda priestly in the devil wear Prada. They both have the same hair and that scary serious look that makes your stomach feels sick and nauseous… I don’t ever want to be stuck in a room with that lady, ever! 😂
——-
Lately I like to be alone. “Friends” only comes around when they need to use me for something. And I think that’s terrible and sad! I have a gym buddy that only comes around for that… then she will want to go grab something to eat afterward. Sometimes she’ll have me pay for the lunch but she does it in a shady way.. yes I’m generous but that doesn’t mean I should be used… halfway through eating her lunch or dinner and she’ll ask if if I can PAY because she don’t have money. I’m always like WTF! If you ain’t got money, you shouldn’t ask people to hang out with you. PERIOD. She does that quite a bit and I never like to hang out with her, not to mention her age… she’s in her XX. The last time I went to dinner with her, she asked me to pay her TIP even when our check was separate. She never tips and pays exactly the amount!!! That always annoys me so I alway steer clear of her when she calls… I can’t stand greedy ass people like that, especially those who goes to church like her and pick at other people flaws yet sleeps around and have one nightstands like it’s the end of the world….
——-
Me coming to talk about random shit about my life like this has been very therapeutic! I have so much shit in my brain that needs to come out. And I get to reflect and feel out who I really am as a person…
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I had a late ass dinner And now I can’t sleep ;D well I wouldn’t be able to sleep even if I want to. That’s just ridiculous of me to have such a late dinner… should of just snacked and ate all the damn ice cream in the freezer… but no, I ate nothing today so I feel bad going to bed eating nothing all day… I got myself a giant burrito… ;D
Went to therapy today and had a good session. I talked about relationships even though I hardly talk about that with my therapist… most of the time it’s about my childhood but it’s just funny how everything from then ties into everything now. I am working on my self, to better myself for the next person. No more toxic shit… haha I will always be like that. But today I also opened up about something that was very private that I had forgotten about…and I’m glad I did..
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There be so much tension between us but I’m not willing to cooperate…at the end of one of our not too recent date, Ryan walked me to my car.. he reached to give me a hug but grabbed me and lifted me off the ground… he slammed me on top of the hood of the car…
“Damn, your light as hell…” he said
We passionately kissed… it was silly and caused a scene. But I have a fear when it comes to Ryan…I fear that once I give in, I’ll just lose interest in him lmfao so I really don’t know where I’m going with this…
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Your boy needs to put a 💍 on yo finger
http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,255671.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,255671.0.html)
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http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,340557.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,340557.0.html)
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Your boy needs to put a 💍 on yo finger
http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,255671.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,255671.0.html)
Nice! are you the writers of these poems? Just curious :)
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http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,340557.0.html (http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,340557.0.html)
:)
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My ex husband who went missing for several months popped out of nowhere and messaged me:
****: “wanna do something when I get back?”
Me: “like what?”
****: “whatever you like”
Me: “where you been…when will you be back?”
****: “Cant say…in November… you can pick something you like and we can do it”
Me: “ew no, you kidding me?!”
****: “just you and me”
Me: “nah, i don’t think so”
****: “think about it”
Me:” I already did, are you ****?”
****: yes
Me: “the **** I know don’t talk like that”
****: “I did a lot of thinking since I been away”
Me: “trust me I would know if you were ****. I know how he writes”
****: “I just want to take you on a date..thought I shoot my shot”
Me: “ I don’t think so”
****: would you still want XXX? Can we still?”
Me: “def not!”
****: “I’ll pay you for it and I don’t mean that In any way disrespectful to you”
Me: “ seriously not..no thanks
****: “look, I’ll give you $ I’ll pay for a BBL so you can have a bigger ass…We can end the marriage but you’ll have to become my girlfriend. Let’s start over as a couple and see where things go. That’s my price….”
The next day
****: “you never answered me back…so?”
Me:”my therapist told me it’s not healthy for me to get involved…”
****: “I’m still coming back there though so I’ll see you when I get back”
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Nice! are you the writers of these poems? Just curious :)
Yes I am. I still have a lot to write, just don't have the time. Thank you for reading.
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Yes I am. I still have a lot to write, just don't have the time. Thank you for reading.
Nice! I enjoy them. You’re an awesome poet/writer! Thanks for sharing :)
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We had an amazing time on our getaway trip. It was nice and relaxing and we spent the nights star gazing and making wishes on shooting stars and counting down satellites floating by in the sky …During the day, we walked to the beach and dipped in the ocean. We’d go fishing, hiking and relaxing and he’s made us drinks…and cooked us dinner and lunch. In the evening after the sunset we had the whole cove to ourself… we cuddled and listened to the waves and we talk about our life goals and dreams. On the last day we went toward the cliff where there was a cement wall, and he tagged our names there… Ryan and rebel 4 ever!
Ryan said, “running around like this with you reminds me of my teenage years…my younger self”
—-
One other highlight from this trip…We stopped at Starbucks on our way back and lo and behold Caitlyn Jenner was in front of us. She had these beautiful large manly hands, which I noticed way before I knew that it was her…then I looked up and there was she…her face was flawless, beautiful… not a single wrinkle…She looked at me while we all waited for our orders and I almost wanted to talk with her but I didn’t want to come off like a crazy Asian person..on the wrong side of town lmao. She was very down to earth…but i kept thinking that it must suck to be famous haha…not having any privacy and the whole world knows your ass..haha
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Wow it’s been a while… where had the time gone?
I stepped out and bumped into my Gardner this morning. Haven’t seen him for a while, actually forgot I had a Gardner lol
“Sorry I haven’t come by in a while to cut the grass…they grew so high… it’s been raining and everything…”
I looked at him with a smile
“Don’t worry about it George, I didn’t even notice the grass being so green”
“Whewww… I thought you would be mad?!
“Why would I? Everytime I step out I feel like I’m crawling out of a jungle…”
“A jungle?” Haha
“Yeah like you know, a tiger coming out of my tiger hole…in the jungle”
Haha
I walked off to my car leaving him standing on the grassy yard of my home… when I looked up, George had already turned his back and was walking back to his truck.