PebHmong Discussion Forum
Relationship => Marriage & Family Life => Topic started by: Homer on August 17, 2017, 11:48:48 PM
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My wife's gotten fat and lazy over the years. She took her sweet time in school, got her LVN license, worked for a few months, then quit and has not worked for over two years. She's just making excuses to not find work. Even at home, she's not the wife I expected her to be. If she doesn't work, I expect her to upkeep the house, cook at regular schedule, etc. No, she doesn't do this. Bedroom and bathroom's a mess, has not picked up a mop for many years now. She makes my boys cook, clean, mop, etc. She's just like a queen. I would like her to change her ways and consider helping me with the finance by getting a job. We have no savings because we live paycheck to paycheck. She spends money like we're rich and does not realize that we have no money and she should be conservative. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that I'm with a wife like this. Sometimes I think if I were to find someone new that I would not hesitate to jump ship. Then I think about how we first met and how much we were in love and I just can't hurt her by letting her go. So how do I encourage her to change without leaving her?
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You don't want to express your concerns and you don't want to hurt her feelings but you lock yourself in the dark and having these thoughts. Is that a healthy way of living? And can you pretend to be this way forever? Being in love and being abuse is two different things. It's your fault that she has gotten this way, that's the truth. It's your decision, and thinking about how you first met and how much you're in love does not help her or yourself. If my partner lets me get away with all that and does not talk to me about her concerns with me, do you think I will do anything to change that? I would think that everything is wonderful since we have no issues.
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I think she feels defeated and depressed. Her default coping mechanism is avoidance. Sometimes change is difficult and she needs to break out of that habit. Remind her that even is she takes a menial less paying job, it's not a reflection of who she really is. The real question is does she really need encouragement or does she need help finding a passion. Time for some drastic measures. Good luck!
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Repeat everything you've said here, to her.
GL.
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I would advise the both of you to sit down and talk, seriously. find out what went south. but damn, hasn't picked up a mop for many years. good luck!
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She's probably pretty big by now.
The elders have done well by not letting her rest any more than the first three days of marriage. If you let her rest longer, she won't be able to get back up.
But this woman needs to have some manners and take responsibiliti es. She's got kids and she needs to help you raise them.
My wife's gotten fat and lazy over the years. She took her sweet time in school, got her LVN license, worked for a few months, then quit and has not worked for over two years. She's just making excuses to not find work. Even at home, she's not the wife I expected her to be. If she doesn't work, I expect her to upkeep the house, cook at regular schedule, etc. No, she doesn't do this. Bedroom and bathroom's a mess, has not picked up a mop for many years now. She makes my boys cook, clean, mop, etc. She's just like a queen. I would like her to change her ways and consider helping me with the finance by getting a job. We have no savings because we live paycheck to paycheck. She spends money like we're rich and does not realize that we have no money and she should be conservative. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that I'm with a wife like this. Sometimes I think if I were to find someone new that I would not hesitate to jump ship. Then I think about how we first met and how much we were in love and I just can't hurt her by letting her go. So how do I encourage her to change without leaving her?
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I think she needs training. Give her that n a set schedule so she can have things to do.
Maybe she's too americanize to understand what it looks s like being Hmong.
Get a few friends to talk chit about her as a broke azz good for nothing loser woman who milks off her man.
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My wife's gotten fat and lazy over the years. She took her sweet time in school, got her LVN license, worked for a few months, then quit and has not worked for over two years. She's just making excuses to not find work. Even at home, she's not the wife I expected her to be. If she doesn't work, I expect her to upkeep the house, cook at regular schedule, etc. No, she doesn't do this. Bedroom and bathroom's a mess, has not picked up a mop for many years now. She makes my boys cook, clean, mop, etc. She's just like a queen. I would like her to change her ways and consider helping me with the finance by getting a job. We have no savings because we live paycheck to paycheck. She spends money like we're rich and does not realize that we have no money and she should be conservative. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that I'm with a wife like this. Sometimes I think if I were to find someone new that I would not hesitate to jump ship. Then I think about how we first met and how much we were in love and I just can't hurt her by letting her go. So how do I encourage her to change without leaving her?
Sometimes you just need someone for companionship and sex. If that goes too, then time to kick her out.
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I'd start singing! often times, people listen more carefully to songs and music than to just ntuas/counsel!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XRqV0j6CZo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XRqV0j6CZo)
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She's a loving mother, so no issue there. Once in a while she'll go and cook, but never in a consistent timely manner. I don't mind too much about the overweight thingy because she did have kids for us. But just having no motivation to better herself, her health, our family, our finances is irritating to me. I'm not saying I'm perfect cause I'm not either, but I just want her to work like other wives. We have her mother to take care of the baby so there is really no excuse to not work. I look at guys that I know and their wives are like pharmacists and RNs, bringing in the dope $$$. I make enough money for the both of us, but it sure would be nice to have a savings account and go on vacation once or twice a year. Every time I take a vacation, it's just a staycation (stay at home) cause there's no money. You know what I mean? It sucks. I've tried the sit down and talk as adults, but it hasn't done much.
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So, she's indeed pretty big by now.
Okay. And, so, if her mother takes care of the kids, too, and she doesn't work, either, she's really not doing anything.
You have the right to be concerned.
The elders have not done it right to bind early marriages. Young luscious girls without an education won't know how to help you raise kids. A woman in her 30s and still acting like that should really have been taught to make breakfasts earlier on in the marriage.
She's a loving mother, so no issue there. Once in a while she'll go and cook, but never in a consistent timely manner. I don't mind too much about the overweight thingy because she did have kids for us. But just having no motivation to better herself, her health, our family, our finances is irritating to me. I'm not saying I'm perfect cause I'm not either, but I just want her to work like other wives. We have her mother to take care of the baby so there is really no excuse to not work. I look at guys that I know and their wives are like pharmacists and RNs, bringing in the dope $$$. I make enough money for the both of us, but it sure would be nice to have a savings account and go on vacation once or twice a year. Every time I take a vacation, it's just a staycation (stay at home) cause there's no money. You know what I mean? It sucks. I've tried the sit down and talk as adults, but it hasn't done much.
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Yes, big, but still beautiful and kind. Just lazy and no motivation. And not big enough to where I'm going to leave. And she's not those type of big where you're big on the top and small on the bottom. She has a Kardashian booty. She's well proportioned.
What if I threaten to leave? Is that a good or bad strategy? May make things worst.
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I think your problem started the moment she move in with you. This is why the elders always tells you to set the rules early on, no matter how distasteful it is for you and her. She got too comfortable then and now she's just used to it. If you want her to change, you'll need to suffer with her. But 1st, I think you need to have a good talk with your wife and have her evaluate your friends wife's or even some of her friend's to see how far they've prosper compared to you and her. Trying to come up with a strategy together can help you knock some sense into her just by making simple suggestions and regards to chores in the house, you can start by asking her to help you mop and clean. You have to be serious and take the lead. There's no such thing as 50/50, you're a MEN, it's up to you to lead your woman.
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The first thing you need to do is limit her spending. Give her a small allowance only ($50 per paycheck if you are bi-weekly). Don't open any credit cards for her, that's for sure.
As for exercise, make it a family affair. Take the family out for long walks. Make it seem like it's not exercise. Swimming is a great way to workout without breaking a sweat. Kids love to play in water so this should be fun.
Plan easy meals that you and the kids can prep in advance and then assign her to heat them up. Ex. plan your week's menu and buy only the ingredients for those meals. This also helps you save money. On Sunday, prepare all your meats and store in containers, ziplock bags. Chop all your veggies and so on. You can even marinade them so all she has to do is throw them in a pan or whatever. Planned meals will also help her lose weight.
As for a messy house, the first thing you should do is get rid of things you don't need or use. Depending on the number of your family members, only keep that many plates plus 2 (for guests). Same thing with flatware. For example, for a family of 4, only keep 6 spoons and 6 forks on hand. Store away the rest. This keeps dirty dishes down and if someone wants to use a plate they are going to have to wash one if they're all in the sink.
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This is a tough one.
Sit down and have a talk. Is she depressed? Or just got too comfortable?
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low self-esteem? depression? stress? whatever it is you need to talk to her and ask her if there is anything you can do to help - like look for a job or something. offer helping hand. she will open up or have one of her friends be your spy.
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Asking your spouse "what's wrong?" and "how can I help?" is ineffective. Most likely she'll respond with "nothing", and "nothing".
You just need to implement small lifestyle changes and before she knows it, she's already complied. I find this works best with unmotivated people. They will bend with small changes that are out of their control. For example, if you have a kid who plays too much video games, setting rules or offering incentives isn't going to change his habit. However, taking the gaming console away or don't replace it when it breaks will push him to find another leisure activity. Hopefully you will have books, chess, mind puzzles, etc. laying around the house.
This same concept will work with an unmotivated spouse. If you no longer provide an environment that creates their complacency, then they'll compensate with another behavior.
But alas, the real question is how long can you keep it up since you have to be two steps ahead all the time. It takes energy and creativity.