Messages

1

Marriage & Family Life / Anyone knows the standard rules to ua neeb for an old person?

« on: May 06, 2019, 11:29:29 PM »

I was told that if you are going to ua neeb for a person or elder, you should do it at the beginning of thd year, not after September because the Hmong new year ( meaning tsiab peb caug) is when they send the spirit of the sacrificed animals to reincarnate ?  I'm not sure if I'm explaining this right.

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Marriage & Family Life / Re: Question scenario.

« on: February 23, 2018, 11:30:15 PM »

If the sister-in-law doesn't mind its okay. I think you should at least call first before you go over though , or knock. I guess it depends what kind of family you are.

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Marriage & Family Life / Re: so sad

« on: February 23, 2018, 11:07:39 PM »

Truth is, no clan can make any individuals do anything. They just offer suggestions and what is the traditionally correct and respectable ways to do things. If you don't do it, they can't force you, they just lose respect for you.

The clan wanted her to formally apologize to her husband as a way to redeem his face. This is a very common step to do when a person cheats and leave their spouse only to come back.

She didn't want to do it and her clan didn't let her do it but now her clan must see the repercussion when they come over to their events and doesn't see the husband's clan there anymore.

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Marriage & Family Life / so sad

« on: February 21, 2018, 10:55:26 PM »

I married into a very traditional clan. When my sister-in-law cheated on her husband, she told our clan leaders in a big meeting that she doesn't want her husband because he's not man enough for her. Still, the husband said he still wanted to stay married to her.  Anyway, she divorces him both Hmong way and legally. When things didn't work out with her lover, she came back to her ex-husband. He gladly accepted her back.

They both go to our clan to tell them they are back together. The clan was not happy. The clan wanted her to kill a cow, do an eating thing and apologize to her husband (the traditional hmong way) for cheating on him. Her relative oppose to this idea, claiming they both accepted each other back so it was not necessary. The husband didn't try to enforce the eating thing either. The clan felt disrespected by the nyab and her relative. They were upset at the husband too.

The nyab said she was willing to kill a cow and do an eating thing, but she was not willing to apologize, which defects the purpose of it. No one cares about eating a cow. The point is for her to apologize.

Since then, every time they ua noj or do anything, NONE of the clan comes anymore like before. They once did a ub neeb for their son and killed a cow. No one showed up except the husband's' mom, brothers and sisters.

Last year, the nyab celebrated her husband's birthday and success in their business and sent this invitation to everyone. It was suppose to be  a big event, with a roast pig and everything but NO one showed up except the husband's mom, sisters and brothers. Her side of the family showed up but it was only the immediate family only.

I felt sorry for them, BUT this is what it looks like when you don't care about your clan, or you don't follow the tradition. They can't force you to do anything, but they won't join you anymore.

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Marriage & Family Life / Re: When it Comes to Hmong Marriages, I'm beginning to realized...

« on: February 16, 2018, 11:50:06 PM »

Most  Hmong marriages are very similar because most hmong men are wire similarly in their understanding of a woman's needs or women in general.  (Maybe because they came from the same pool/cultures).  AND a woman fools herself thinking she'll find someone different by replacing the old w/ the new only to find herself back to the same old marriage she left.  If that's the case - why divorce in the first place.  To really change a marriage - don't marry a hmong man.  That's what i'm thinking.

obviously not all Hmong men. My husband is not like that. He treats me good, even after 9 years. Now I don't know what the future will be like for us, but for now it is good.

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Marriage & Family Life / Dating VS. Marriage

« on: February 16, 2018, 11:47:42 PM »

I didn't get married until I was 30. Man, 9 years later and we are still growing strong. I do not miss the dating life at all. I do not miss going to the bars and clubs, or that kind of scenes. Movie night at home with my husband and kids is something I look forward to. 

I am a stepmom and gave birth to a child 2 years ago, which took a very long time due to infertility (me) and I have to say that being a mom is the best and most important role of my life.  While most women my age are empty nester or even a grand mother, I am still running around chasing my little 2 year old. I wouldn't trade it for the world! My son saved me. I gave birth to him but he gave life back to me.

Life is good.

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Marriage & Family Life / Re: married his relative after 15 years

« on: February 16, 2018, 11:26:29 PM »

So, I read your story.  Good thing you never told his wife about what he tried to do to you at the hotel.  Phew! I agree, She doesn't deserve to know anything since she must be just trash for marrying him.  I'm sure if your husband did something like that to other girls, you wouldn't wanna hear about it either right? I mean, who wants the truth when you can live a lie and why should you be the one to stop it all and help her out. She's not your sister.  You owe her nothing.   

Get my drift?

First I didn't know his wife and I didn't want to be involve in that mess.

You guys need to stop assuming. This is a true story. It's just an annoyance I just want to put out there.  Yes, that money for the hotel was  probably change to him. I'm sure I went with him to see what kind of person he is, and he proved to me that he was a bad husband.  I didn't sleep with him at the hotel.  I had no desire to be with a married man and was no longer in lust with him by that time anyway.

I told my husband everything about him in case we run into him again, I want my husband to not mingle too much with him. My husband is very polite and talks to him but keeps it general.  He has no reason to hate this guy but just so he knows the history.

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Marriage & Family Life / married his relative after 15 years

« on: February 15, 2018, 11:56:15 PM »

I can't stand this guy (lets call him Sam)

He is related to my niam hlob (my uncle's wife). My parents also know his family and him from back in the old days. I met him when I was 16 and he was 24. He only visited me in my house once. Then I met him again at 19. By this time I was really in like with him. We spent some time together during the July 4th, and yes we got intimate. The whole time he said he was single. After the weekend, I went back home and a few weeks later I learned that he had gotten married. I was so heart broken because I was really infatuated with him, although we never talked about our feelings for each other or where we stand when we spent July 4th weekend together.  Anyway, I felt so sad and depress for almost a year.

4 years later I go back to July 4th in MN and met his buddy (lets call him John) from a party. John wanted to take me to the movie the next day, but when he came he brought Sam. As I walked towards them I didn't even recognized Sam. It took adjusting my eyes and then he also started talking so then I realized it was him. It was so akward because he went with John and I to see a movie. Every time John leaves to go to the bathroom etc, he would try to talk to me and ask if there is anything between John and I.  I asked John why he brought Sam along and John told me that John had told Sam that he saw me at a party and Sam wanted to come see me.  After the movie, John dropped me off at my  uncle's house. 

The next night my friends and I met with John and his friends to go hang out at the casino. Sam came along too. Every chance I am alone in the hall or further away from the group, Sam would try to come talk to me. 

I was staying at my uncle's house. The next day a guy call asking for my aunt and uncle. I told them they were at work. He then told me he's Sam. I didn't even recognize his voice. Anyway, he started telling me that he love me and always have. I was taken back and obviously didn't believe him. He told me he wanted to drop me off at the airport when I leave. He said he wanted to spend some time with me to talk to me. I knew he was married and had no intention of doing anything with him but I was curious as to what he wanted to say or do so I agree.

The next day he picked me up to drop me at the airport. There was some time so we went to the park to talk. At the park, he started telling me that he have always loved me and wanted to spend more time with me and asked if I can extend my time there with him. He said he would pay for the flight change.  I tried to ask him about his wife  (whom had just given birth to their first child a month ago at the time) but he didn't want to talk about them.  He kept saying he loves me. I told him he's lying and that I don't believe him.

He said he wanted to go to a hotel and I went with him. He paid for a room and we went into the room for about 30 minutes. There he try to kiss me and seduce me. He said he wanted to be intimate with me. I pushed him back and told him he's going to get some but not from me, and made him take me to the airport.  (I never had sex with him at the hotel). I just wanted to waste his money on the hotel.

He dropped me off at the airport and as I flew away I felt such a sense of relief! All those years I was so heart broken because he had gotten married, but now I know what kind of person he is, and I felt so happy that I didn't end up with him.

Fast forward 10 years I married my husband. Upon a funeral within my husband's clan, he came. Again, I didn't recognize him when I saw him again until he came up and said my name. He calls me by my very old name that was given to me at birth, which no one does except the old people.  That's when I learned that he's a distant relative of my husband's clan.

Now that I am married, my cousin invites me and my husband to their events and I have seen him a few times there (bc he's related to my aunt). To be honest I can't stand to look at him and I have no respect for him so I just don't call him at all.

He's come up to shake my husband's hand at events and try to talk to my husband and I. I've told my husband about my past with him and the story above to my husband. He wasn't angry or anything.

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Marriage & Family Life / Re: Attended a traditional Hmong and American backyard style wedding

« on: January 07, 2018, 10:58:32 PM »

I was invited to attend a friend's daughter's wedding and they did a good job of saving money from renting a reception hall/ball room. Sure it's a little tight mainly not enough restrooms but not bad overall... Best of all, they didn't run on "Hmong time"..  ..


Guests seating area:










Food set up area:




Photography booth:




Wedding cake:




Outdoor cooking area:






These guys did their job early in the morning  :




Time to eat, mingle, have a good time and celebrate with the newlyweds:




Dressed up just to follow tradition and last few photos with families and friends before departure time and no, the bride did not cry because she can still visit her parents anytime..:




These little guys with suspenders participated in the American portion of the wedding and did a great job  :

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Funeral Rituals & Customs / Re: A traditional hmong funeral for a child with divorced parents-What R YR thought?

« on: February 23, 2012, 10:30:03 PM »

Me no know.

But she should at least attend the funeral.

I think any parent would.

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Funeral Rituals & Customs / Re: A traditional hmong funeral for a child with divorced parents-What R YR thought?

« on: February 23, 2012, 07:18:21 PM »

LOL like how you said that! 


Now of course the planning will take place at the father's home, not the mother's home. Do you think she would come everyday to help cook and fold the papers at the father's home where he and his wife reside, and their relatives would come everyday to help out? If she was the one that left the marriage or cheated on him, and broke the marriage, would she have the face to show up at his house to plan for the funeral?

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Funeral Rituals & Customs / A traditional hmong funeral for a child with divorced parents-What R YR thought?

« on: February 23, 2012, 07:08:48 PM »

Everyone knows that in a traditional Hmong funeral---for a son, or even a daughter who is not married, the responsibility of the child's funeral for planning and also financially falls on the dad's side/relatives.

In the case where the parents has been divorced for a long time but shares equal custody for the son, but the father always bare more of a financially responsibility of the son--whether he choose to, or the ex ask him to, he pays for more things for the son. The parents are not friends, the father has remarried, and the father and his ex only speak if they have to in regards to that child.

Now if the son dies, the father knows he has to pay and plan the funeral and does it without any hesitation. The father is open to the mother helping financially but If in the case where the mother has no money to help pay for the funeral--should she have a say of the planning of the funeral? such as what food to make, selecting a casket, flower etc...... and have some say or decision making in the coordinating the funeral? What are your thought?