PebHmong Discussion Forum
Relationship => Marriage & Family Life => Topic started by: hmgROCK on October 22, 2019, 08:42:56 AM
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One of our sister(relatives) has been taken
They sent two elder guys to give the “message” to the parents
Three days pass, they haven’t “hu plug tie string”
No visit, nothing
FYI
this is two years ago
They haven’t come do the wedding
No meeka wedding either
We been asking
And its looks like the parents don’t want their son to married our sister
So now we are stuck in a limbo
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Looks like the groom and their side of the family has no respect for the bride's side of the family. This is in essence a slap in the face of the bride's side of the family. In situations like this, lets hope they treat the bride well. It shows the integrity of the groom's side of the family.
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Is she 18 year? If she is, your family might be out of luck.
One of our sister(relatives) has been taken
They sent two elder guys to give the “message” to the parents
Three days pass, they haven’t “hu plug tie string”
No visit, nothing
FYI
this is two years ago
They haven’t come do the wedding
No meeka wedding either
We been asking
And its looks like the parents don’t want their son to married our sister
So now we are stuck in a limbo
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Is she 18 year? If she is, your family might be out of luck.
In the 20s
I think the dude is incapable of being a man
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Give up the potential BIL’s families so we can help you shame them and avoid that families in the future.
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Your family can talk to your clan leader and he can talk to the groom's family clan leader to sort things out because now family to family isn't working so get the clan leaders involved... and if that doesn't work, might have to go to the 18 xeem
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He could be. But you're out of luck because she's on her own now.
In the 20s
I think the dude is incapable of being a man
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...So now we are stuck in a limbo
Not really, the couple can still get married without the other side....very simple issue to solve..
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Your family can talk to your clan leader and he can talk to the groom's family clan leader to sort things out because now family to family isn't working so get the clan leaders involved... and if that doesn't work, might have to go to the 18 xeem
Doubt that will do anything as they (clan leaders, 18 xeem) have no power over the other side's parents' right to choose not to participate...
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There is no kidnap case. Just a runaway case.
They will marry whenever they are ready. If they poor, nah, no need marriage cuz 5000 dowry may be the most ever they can afford to save up and to give it away? Nah. Can't marry if you are struggling.
Eventually, your so called sister because of your last name will have to be the one that will push for the marriage. If she doesn't and no one cares on the guy side, no marriage needed or will become of it. Her side will lose out on the great $5K plan. :2funny:
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Not really, the couple can still get married without the other side....very simple issue to solve..
The issue is not that they can't get married..the issue is groom's family can't make the marriage official. In good faith, groom's family told girl's family they'd hold a wedding but so far nothing happens. If it's your daughter, what would you do? Have her continue living w/ her boyfriend? Force him to hold a wedding? or resolve the old fashion way and get the elders invoved..
See hmong people solve problems an eye for an eye.... In this case, when the elders involved.. if the guy is not going to hold a wedding, not paying the dowry, etc...that's fine but they're going to use this case for future precedent. This is how Hmong people solve things. AND the groom's family might be OK w/ it but the clan of the groom might not want to see this precedent existing and therefore may pressure the groom's family to do the right thing.
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Doubt that will do anything as they (clan leaders, 18 xeem) have no power over the other side's parents' right to choose not to participate...
Something will happen.
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The issue is not that they can't get married..the issue is groom's family can't make the marriage official. In good faith, groom's family told girl's family they'd hold a wedding but so far nothing happens. If it's your daughter, what would you do? Have her continue living w/ her boyfriend? Force him to hold a wedding? or resolve the old fashion way and get the elders invoved..
See hmong people solve problems an eye for an eye.... In this case, when the elders involved.. if the guy is not going to hold a wedding, not paying the dowry, etc...that's fine but they're going to use this case for future precedent. This is how Hmong people solve things. AND the groom's family might be OK w/ it but the clan of the groom might not want to see this precedent existing and therefore may pressure the groom's family to do the right thing.
they gotta do their part
it's been too long already
don't need to be big
just so we can get this done
and move on with
so we can achknowledge and welcome him to the family
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they gotta do their part
it's been too long already
don't need to be big
just so we can get this done
and move on with
so we can achknowledge and welcome him to the family
Understandable. Since family try resolving on their own did not work maybe it's time the clan leaders of the two family try to get this done. Again, a resolution will happen for sure.
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The issue is not that they can't get married..the issue is groom's family can't make the marriage official. In good faith, groom's family told girl's family they'd hold a wedding but so far nothing happens. If it's your daughter, what would you do? Have her continue living w/ her boyfriend? Force him to hold a wedding? or resolve the old fashion way and get the elders invoved..
See hmong people solve problems an eye for an eye.... In this case, when the elders involved.. if the guy is not going to hold a wedding, not paying the dowry, etc...that's fine but they're going to use this case for future precedent. This is how Hmong people solve things. AND the groom's family might be OK w/ it but the clan of the groom might not want to see this precedent existing and therefore may pressure the groom's family to do the right thing.
Here, I'll quote the OP:
..They haven’t come do the wedding
No meeka wedding either
...So now we are stuck in a limbo
If all they are waiting for is "do the wedding" and even considered a "meeka wedding" so they wouldn't be in "limbo", they can still get it done without the other side's participation is all I'm saying...very simple, and yes can make it "official" on their own...
If it was my daughter, I would let her decide because marriage is NOT a requirement in life and if she wants to get married, I can throw a wedding for her with or without the other side's participation.
They can use "an eye for an eye" and "future precedent" threats but it still not above the laws of the land so it won't hold much weight when it comes down to it...And there are options when it comes to getting married...so the couple can still get "officially" married one way or another if they choose to.
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Something will happen.
Highly doubt it if they still refused to pay because there's no law that requires them to pay the bride-price..
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they gotta do their part
it's been too long already
don't need to be big
just so we can get this done
and move on with
so we can achknowledge and welcome him to the family
No they don't as there are no laws that requires them to participate if they don't want to...
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I don't get the neo-liberals here. How can a neo-liberal be so conservative on Hmong culture???
One of our sister(relatives) has been taken
They sent two elder guys to give the “message” to the parents
Three days pass, they haven’t “hu plug tie string”
No visit, nothing
FYI
this is two years ago
They haven’t come do the wedding
No meeka wedding either
We been asking
And its looks like the parents don’t want their son to married our sister
So now we are stuck in a limbo
-
One of our sister(relatives) has been taken
They sent two elder guys to give the “message” to the parents
Three days pass, they haven’t “hu plug tie string”
No visit, nothing
FYI
this is two years ago
They haven’t come do the wedding
No meeka wedding either
We been asking
And its looks like the parents don’t want their son to married our sister
So now we are stuck in a limbo
So, she doesn't know him and this is a kidnap and yet no po po was ever called? Primitive much?
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Respectable Hmong elders do not dodge such cultural responsibility .
So, yes, contact the clan leaders and something will happen.
Highly doubt it if they still refused to pay because there's no law that requires them to pay the bride-price..
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I'm torn between which of two things it could be: she's hiding or she's missing.
So, she doesn't know him and this is a kidnap and yet no po po was ever called? Primitive much?
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Here, I'll quote the OP:
If all they are waiting for is "do the wedding" and even considered a "meeka wedding" so they wouldn't be in "limbo", they can still get it done without the other side's participation is all I'm saying...very simple, and yes can make it "official" on their own...
If it was my daughter, I would let her decide because marriage is NOT a requirement in life and if she wants to get married, I can throw a wedding for her with or without the other side's participation.
They can use "an eye for an eye" and "future precedent" threats but it still not above the laws of the land so it won't hold much weight when it comes down to it...And there are options when it comes to getting married...so the couple can still get "officially" married one way or another if they choose to.
You can't do a hmong or mekas wedding for your daughter w/o the groom's family participation and if you did, it'll look foolish. So yes, they are stuck in a limbo.
Unless people don't care for their hmong culture, totally disregards, think it's backward, then yes the "eye for eye" and "future precedent" won't work. These people don't even embrace their culture, heritage and never take the time to learn why we do things the way we do, never fully understand, But for the majority, right now, many people still keep, respect our hmong traditions, the clan system, etc. so yes it'll get resolved one way or another.
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So, she doesn't know him and this is a kidnap and yet no po po was ever called? Primitive much?
NO...the girl elope w/ the guy but it's been two years and no wedding. Usually in the hmong culture, a wedding happened shortly after the elopment.
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I'm torn between which of two things it could be: she's hiding or she's missing.
My understanding, she's not missing or hiding. It's the groom's family..they're delaying the wedding, doing the right thing. Again, since between the family did not work need to get the clan leaders involved. A resolution will happen.
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NO...the girl elope w/ the guy but it's been two years and no wedding. Usually in the hmong culture, a wedding happened shortly after the elopment.
Oh, my apology. Thought it was a kidnap. In this case, can the parents just let them be?
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It's turning into an American thing: cohabitation.
My understanding, she's not missing or hiding. It's the groom's family..they're delaying the wedding, doing the right thing. Again, since between the family did not work need to get the clan leaders involved. A resolution will happen.
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Respectable Hmong elders do not dodge such cultural responsibility .
So, yes, contact the clan leaders and something will happen.
But if these guys still choose to "dodge", nothing the Hmong elders and/or 18 xeem can do about it because there is no law that requires them to pay for the bride's head or participate if they don't want to...
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You can't do a hmong or mekas wedding for your daughter w/o the groom's family participation and if you did, it'll look foolish. So yes, they are stuck in a limbo.
Unless people don't care for their hmong culture, totally disregards, think it's backward, then yes the "eye for eye" and "future precedent" won't work. These people don't even embrace their culture, heritage and never take the time to learn why we do things the way we do, never fully understand, But for the majority, right now, many people still keep, respect our hmong traditions, the clan system, etc. so yes it'll get resolved one way or another.
I'll quote Obama: "Yes you can!"
And nope, it won't look "foolish" because the people that matters and want to be there will still be there to support and wish my daughter the best.
The thing is the elders and/or 18 xeem really have no say in the matter if one side doesn't want to participate... and nope, it's not backward, they are just excising their rights not to participate... for what ever reason.
And it can only get resolve by the elders and 18 xeem if the other want to participate, if they still don't want to participate, nothing the elders and 18 xeem can do about it because there is no law that requires parents to participate in their kid's wedding if they don't want to..
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Oh, my apology. Thought it was a kidnap. In this case, can the parents just let them be?
Yes, the parents can "just let them be" because there is no law that requires them to participate in their kid's wedding if they don't want to...
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If they are happy and didn’t break any laws it should be okay.
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Dok is talking about the 18 clan organization taking part in this. Not just the couple's two families.
If it gets up there, the rep for the groom-wannabe's clan will blush and come down hard on his family.
But if these guys still choose to "dodge", nothing the Hmong elders and/or 18 xeem can do about it because there is no law that requires them to pay for the bride's head or participate if they don't want to...
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Dok is talking about the 18 clan organization taking part in this. Not just the couple's two families.
If it gets up there, the rep for the groom-wannabe's clan will blush and come down hard on his family.
Even if the 18 clan organization takes part in this case, and the rep for the groom-wannabe's clan blushes and comes down hard on his family, his family can still refuse to participate because there's no law that requires them to pay the bride's head or participate in the wedding is all I'm saying. Therefore if his family already made up their minds not to participate, the situation will not change. Which is why I highly doubt anything will happen even if the elders and/or 18 xeem are involve. The decision to participate or not is still up to his family because there's no law governing and regulating those things...
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I will have to agree with theking on this one. None of their business.
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We are saying it goes the Hmong way. Hmong requires bride price in a marriage. Hmong requires clan acknowledgemen t on marriage. Etc.
You're suggesting this go the American way. That is not the way Hmong system works.
Even if the 18 clan organization takes part in this case, and the rep for the groom-wannabe's clan blushes and comes down hard on his family, his family can still refuse to participate because there's no law that requires them to pay the bride's head or participate in the wedding is all I'm saying. Therefore if his family already made up their minds not to participate, the situation will not change. Which is why I highly doubt anything will happen even if the elders and/or 18 xeem are involve. The decision to participate or not is still up to his family because there's no law governing and regulating those things...
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It is. Even American parents want to see that their kids' marriages are complete.
I will have to agree with theking on this one. None of their business.
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Oh, my apology. Thought it was a kidnap. In this case, can the parents just let them be?
If a guy said he's going to marry your daughter and took her away but never come to do the wedding. As parent, you wonder what's going on? You want the issue settle... is he or isn't he going to marry your daughter? This case is something like that.Yes, the parents can "just let them be" because there is no law that requires them to participate in their kid's wedding if they don't want to...
The parents of the groom knew they didn't do the right thing. I'm not blaming the groom or bride. This issue is at the parent's level.Even if the 18 clan organization takes part in this case, and the rep for the groom-wannabe's clan blushes and comes down hard on his family, his family can still refuse to participate because there's no law that requires them to pay the bride's head or participate in the wedding is all I'm saying. Therefore if his family already made up their minds not to participate, the situation will not change. Which is why I highly doubt anything will happen even if the elders and/or 18 xeem are involve. The decision to participate or not is still up to his family because there's no law governing and regulating those things...
True but putting pressure from the clan leaders might change the parents to do the right thing. Also, even if they still will not do anything, this case will set future precedent for sure. They may get the bride's family this time but one day the bride's family will get back at the groom's clan for sure.I will have to agree with theking on this one. None of their business.
That's because the King is flexible with many things. The sky is yellow Ok. The sky is blue. Ok. The sky is green Ok. Turn left. Ok. Turn right Ok. Doing the right thing is doing the right thing and Hmong culture demands that.
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We are saying it goes the Hmong way. Hmong requires bride price in a marriage. Hmong requires clan acknowledgemen t on marriage. Etc.
You're suggesting this go the American way. That is not the way Hmong system works.
The OP pointed out both ways as the were no Hmong or "meeka" wedding and it's been two years already.
And even if it's the "Hmong way", some Hmong don't require bride head price anymore as that way is irrelevant to them now here in America. For those that still require the groom side to pay for the bride head price, the broom side can still refuse because there's no law that requires them to pay the bride head price.
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It is. Even American parents want to see that their kids' marriages are complete.
Depends as some American parents do and some don't even want to attend their kid's wedding...
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The parents of the groom knew they didn't do the right thing. I'm not blaming the groom or bride. This issue is at the parent's level.
I can't say who's doing the right thing or not and I'm not blaming anyone since I don't know the situation personally but if the groom's parents don't want to participate, nothing the elders and/or 18 xeem can do about it since there's no law that requires it is all I'm saying...
True but putting pressure from the clan leaders might change the parents to do the right thing. Also, even if they still will not do anything, this case will set future precedent for sure. They may get the bride's family this time but one day the bride's family will get back at the groom's clan for sure.
Again, I don't know the details of the case so I'm not going to assume who's doing the right and who's not but it is within their rights not participate if they don't want to...As far as the future precedent stuffs go, if they don't care, they won't care doesn't matter how much pressure the clan leaders put on them because there is no law that requires them to participate.
That's because the King is flexible with many things. The sky is yellow Ok. The sky is blue. Ok. The sky is green Ok. Turn left. Ok. Turn right Ok. Doing the right thing is doing the right thing and Hmong culture demands that.
Not really, it's because I based things on facts and not assumptions or ill-informed opinions. The fact is nothing can be done by the bride's parents, the elders and/or the 18 xeem because the groom's parents are well within their rights not to participate as there are no law that requires them to pay the bride head price or participate in the wedding.
Disagree with that fact? Feel free to prove me wrong by showing a U.S. law that requires the groom's parents to participate in this kind of situation...
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There seems to be info missing from the story. What do you mean they took her? Do you mean she eloped with her boyfriend? Then his clan called to inform your parents not to look for her and scheduled a time to come negotiate a wedding but never followed through?