Messages

16

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: May 18, 2022, 06:48:13 PM »

Got into a huge fight

“Damn woman, I’m gonna put your ass to sleep!”

“Yeah ducken try ******!”

My ass KO’d and I went to into a deep sleep for several hours. I woke up and dinner was ready and my movie playing

——-

I picked up a new hobby also. Can’t say what it is but let’s just say that the only way to enjoy it is to go on a adventure.

I’m loving it. But I’m always scared I might get chased by some wild animals…perhaps humans… so I’m always watching my back and not enjoying it much…

I try to stay on the path but staying on the path ain’t no fun. The fun is in the messy area where no man has touched…
——-

Went out with my girls friend to some local brewery and some guy whooped out his **** as we got to the car at the end of the night. He pretty much chased us to our car…  that was quite scary because anything can happen within minutes and it’ll be all over.

That triggered something from my past… it was terrifying…it sent me into a panic attack

——

I hate when people tell me that I’m strong. Im not. Im fragile but like a bomb

——

And when  I can’t deal with life… I have my phone on airplane mode and disappear for a while.

17

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: May 16, 2022, 10:45:08 PM »

Ryan invited me to a wedding…I  went looking for a dress and was getting my hair and nails done but I began to have anxiety about going with him… we will be all alone and 9 hours away from home…I do not want to go there and make a mistake with him. I also did not feel I was ready to meet his entire family.  So I backed out last minute. Ryan was so calm about it that it left me in a bit of a shock…I was expecting him to flip out..

He went to the wedding by himself but made me feel like I was part of it… he took a pictures with each family members…and sent me videos of the wedding…
“Wish you were here” he continually texted me through out the wedding
When he was on his way home he made sure I knew it. When he got home he message to let me know he was home. All without me asking….

——-
All the while this is going on… Guy is in another state…he had called me to go pick him and his friends up at the airport later in the evening… so around the time I was going out to pick him up…. He called to let me know that he and his friends were so drunk that they missed their flight.

He could barley talk to me and I could hardly understand him. It was either, “we’re too ducked up they won’t let us on the plane or we’re so drunk we missed the plane!” I don’t know which one was the truth.

“Oh so you’re gonna be out there acting like a damn fool!” I said to him

“I ducken hate you…” I said to him “and I ducken meant it…”

Then I hung up.

Guy called later to apologize.
“you’re a damn good woman, I’m sorry..” He kept repeating but they are just words that meant nothing to me…

“well, my friends are going to the brothel in town but I’m not going, I’m staying right here in bed…those p are nasty and smelly, I can smell it a mile away”

I didn’t let him finish and I hung up on him and he didn’t bother calling back bc he know I won’t bother picking up. That was on a Friday.. I forgot about him…

 Sunday afternoon rolls around and Guy called me 6x. I changed his contact name to **** -do not pick up! lol I finally picked up on the seventh call.

“Babe Can you pick us up?”

“You ducken kidding me, it’s ducken Sunday and your ass is still there??? ” I said as calmly as I could. “Find your own damn ride….”

“K babe I will, I’ll call you when I get back!”  He said nervously like a dog that know he’s gonna get his ass beat later!

I’m too old for this shit.

I wouldn’t be so pissed but when he called that Friday morning about his flight, he had me buy a case of alcohol plus some liquor and I had also put in 60 dollars in gas… for me to spend almost 100 dollars for him and for him to call me being all drunk and not be able to fly home, we’ll that shit just pissed me off so much…I can’t deal with that..

18

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: May 05, 2022, 11:20:56 PM »

Marriage had never really cross my mind, to be honest and I had always been commitment phobic my whole life. But lately the thought of settling down is starting to hit me. I’m actually at that point where I’m really thinking of it even though I was married before. It’s not the same.

I want to raise kids…cook my man dinner and keep a clean and nice smelling home. I want to have family gathering and make all the food from scratch. I want to bring my kids to soccer practice and  be involved in their school. If I have a daughter, she’ll be in Girl Scout. If I have boys, they’ll play football. I want them to play musical instruments and be well rounded kids and we’ll cultured. I want them to be tough but have good manners.

I want to make it to Sunday service dressed in our Sunday best. I want to have outings and daycations, I want to plan trips and travel around with my little family so they can explore the world, and we can make memories. I want to have a garden, an orchard and plant my own roses. I want to live in a middle class family friendly neighborhood where all the houses do not look the same and our neighbors are like minded. I want to be on some boat some where and we’re relaxing as we watch the sunset while drinking margaritas…

I want to be  with the most handsome and loving man who respects me and adores me and cherished every moment with me.  I want to be able to look at him and one day at the end of our life be able to say “thank you for such a beautiful life!” I want to respect him and take care of him and love him and stand by him. I want him to never stop chasing me and I want to always be loving on him. Oh and sure I can go on with this but I’ll stop here for today….


And yeah here I am trying so hard not to be a hoe lmfao everyone keeps telling me to hoe myself and get the shit out of my system, but I won’t. There is so many men serving their penis on a silver platter and I still can’t mother ducken put them on a rotation and use them. I’m so duckEN gross out by this shit! Lol just a thought for the day


Lately, Ryan’s been calling me “baby”  I don’t know how I feel about that, mix feelings…

19

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: May 03, 2022, 12:59:05 PM »

Between the two, my guys is more confident and extremely social. He talks with a smile… he is handsome with a baby-faced bad boyish look…he young at heart, playful, an extrovert. And YES everywhere we go, he gets hit on (story another time) He’s very clever…he knows a lot about the world, like all that bitty gritty things that you probably wouldn’t care about. He takes risk, the not scared to die type.

But Ryan is very manly and can come off a little intimidating because of his beard, tattoos and height. Hes the cautious daddy type. Big but with a soft heart. He likes a subject hes passionate about it and will talk or show me it. My guy is a little short tempered, he would never really show how angry he can get but you can feel the vibe in a room when he is quiet and I am mad.. Ryan is much more patient, he’s gentle and is not bother by me flipping out.. My guy is more avoidant, Ryan is not. My guy is very Americanized and liberal in his thoughts with a touch of his culture. Ryan is somehow more of a traditional guy, conservative in his thinking/at least it seems. He’s old school.

My guy Would never put up with any shit… Ryan? He will sit across from me at a dinner table and look me in the eye and tell me he’s got the hottest girl in the whole place and that he was okay that I was a tab but toxic. “I can put up with that! And I don’t mind!” He would say. And I would tell him  not to encourage me to lol My guy have no self control… Ryan does. My guy will manipulate me to get what he wants… he can be selfish/clever at times and is greedy in a sexual kind of way and he will take and never feel bad about it, he is assertive.

He wears Versace and eat only at fine dinning places and wear nice clothes and wants the best of everything. If it’s not good enough, he rejects it.  Ryan is not a picky eater, doesn’t care too much in luxury stuff..And he just like things to be ok and doesn’t have a complaint about most things. They both lead two different life…. And I can see myself in both

They both have tattoos, are the same ethnicity, drives the same kind of trucks, loves football and roots for the same baseball team. They both love to cook and loves to show off that skill.  They both grew up around the same time,  around the same area. I pray to god they don’t know each other! One is a pretty bad boy and the other one, a sophisticated gangster!

My guy got me on the first night of our date. And I will share that another time… Ryan? For months had not tried to touch me… “Im careful, I don’t want to duck this up!” He always say to me.

When I’m with my guy I feel like we’re at the same level. We match energy. We match vibes. When both our energy comes together, it’s this strange vibrational feeling I can’t explain. When I’m with Ryan…. He makes me feel like a woman. He makes me want to surrender myself to him… he makes me wants to become submissive…he brings out my soft side and I treat him very sweetly unlike my guy who I treat like a friend if not a lover.

I lust after them both in different way.

20

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: May 03, 2022, 12:54:45 PM »

I got poems relating to your recent entries.  Anyways, whats your favorite songs?

Share it. I can’t tell you my favorite song, at least not today lol

21

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: April 30, 2022, 10:44:32 AM »

I was just thinking… was Ryan asking to be my boyfriend??? I’m over analyzing the shit out of what he said to  me…
Ok so instead of, “Will you be my girlfriend…” he’s not asking but stating that……”I want to be yours…” (he wants to be mine?) totally confusing. What’s the difference between asking one person and stating something?

Why didn’t  he ask me “can you be mine?” Or will you be my girlfriend or I want you to be mine etc

Instead, it’s “I want to be yours” which means… what?  that he want to be kept by me, that he is already mine?

Or Is that ultimately just a sexual way of saying that I can do what I want to him… lmao


A few weeks ago, he hinted to me that we would be one badass awesome couple… but I brushed it off.

——-

Anyways, I had a nice morning. A nice cup of coffee. And yeah, sure I wish I can talk about other things in my life but I guess apparently people may already  got me figured out here so I can’t share what people know…or spicy stuff unless I want people to talk shit lmao and when I say share, i mens to dump all my personal life issues here… yeah I got a lot of dumping to do. Only thing people don’t know is my love life… I keep that private but if I was to tell you my favorite song then yeah…you would know it’s me  lol

22

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: April 29, 2022, 11:17:20 PM »

My friend Ryan… message me twice after some conversation we had
Twice he wrote: “I really want to be yours” and then again… “I want to be yours”

I really don’t know why but that really turned me on. It feels like he is submitting to me…serving himself on a plate for me… giving me permission to have him

Still in my mind, it’s wrong. And I know it’s wrong..

I ended up not going out today…. It’s like I suddenly not sure what I wanted to do tonight or who I wanted to be with… I’m just exhausted so I’m sorry if I’m just dumping stuff from my mind tonight hahaha

23

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: April 29, 2022, 10:54:54 PM »

Few weeks ago that I forgot to post

We’re getting to a new phase in our relationship. Things have changed between us. He is not the same and so am I. Lately he is snappy, and I am easily annoyed.

Then the weirdest crap happens, he wants me to meet the son
“I’m not sure if you’re ready..”

On a car ride to dinner I finally snapped!

“Why can’t you say anything…say something to me GODDAM it! Why don’t you ever say a duckEN thing?” I screamed over the music

I looked at him and, nothing. His eyes were glued to the road in front of him..,He does that to me… when there is an issue, and I got something to say….. he keeps his mouth closed and not a single words come out of it. He’s avoiding me. Dodging the subject. That makes me even more furious. It’s feels like I’m screaming at the wall and the wall is silent. Then when I calmed down, he comes and try to talks to me by then, I’m already so over the problem I don’t want to talk about it any more.

I came home and I made a list of shit I would never tolerate again from a man…and what I want.

24

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: April 29, 2022, 10:51:42 PM »

Yesterday;

I came home and drank one and a half cup of wine before I wrote that last post. Wanted to pass out and go to sleep. But I was wondering to myself… how it would be like to be a dude for one day! I can just call to use them for sxx only when i want. Leave them when I want. Be greedy all the time. Be selfish all the time… but I’m not like that. I wonder if men feel bad for using a girl for sex…if you think about it, prostitutes get paid…ugly asses, ducked up no teeth woman on the streets get paid for their time and their services and get F in the process….And we girls…yes we girls just want love and these men just use our body……like we’re not even worth it. So basically We’re just free prostitutes, cheap ass hoes…. So girls never bee a free one… f them and leave them or have them pay you! Matter of fact, don’t even duck them at all until there is a ring in your finger. I’m still mad at how we got here with our relationship but that’s another story…our FIRST DATE story. There was some coercion and manipulation… that’s why I’m always kind of mad about things…

I feel bad afterward…I left in such a hurry. I was exhausted and I have to drive home. I didn’t want to end up spending the night and try to fight through traffic in the morning. I didn’t want to have to explain shit to him either

When I got home, I ignored his texts. Yes!!! I had a hard week… why’d you think I called him for? Lmfao

Finally texted him: “sorry for being a POS!” xoxo

25

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: April 29, 2022, 10:46:33 PM »

OK imma stop now
http://www.pebhmong.com/forum/index.php/topic,341246.0.html

Nice 

26

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: April 28, 2022, 11:06:56 PM »

Why do men get mad??? I only went by to smash and then I took off right after and he’s mad lmfao gotta think like a dude some times, I guess haha I got work tomorrow and no time to sit around and chit chat…and be lovey dovey and shit!

“I’ll see you next week” I told him before giving him a goodbye kiss on his cheek. He was clearly disappointed, and I can tell by his face he was mad but oh well I gotta go lol

Oh and he got me dinner too haha

Lmfao that was the first time I did that. And I wasn’t trying to be mean. I didn’t thought he would be so butthurt over it.


Edit: So I got home… I’m tired as F and he’s texting me wanting to talk. Oh lord. Guys do this shit all the time to girls…Yes I’m annoyed so I’m doing this shit back but maybe subconsciously .

Put a ring on this finger or duck the hell off. It’s long enough and I no longer give a damn…

27

The Single & Dating Scenes / Re: Is it okay to ignore good night and good morning texts?

« on: April 13, 2022, 03:06:47 PM »

Few days passed and maybe I am interested in him so it’s becoming real hard to end things. We’re just friends. How can I politely end things even when I know there’s feelings. This is going to hurt me and him. I don’t have the balls to do i
  I’d just cut him off cut and be done with it, not ghost the friendship.

Everything I’m trying to say to him sounds mean and hurtful…

But what if he was the one? 

28

Online Journal / Re: The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

« on: March 31, 2022, 07:21:04 PM »

Some times he takes his sweet time texting me back and the only way to get him to text me asap is when I’m already kind of mad… Ill text him:

“Where you at?”

This is the only time I get an immediate response and a follow up picture to show where he’s at.

And I learn this from him.

We rarely text each other.


But my friend R messages me all day long.

He’s like fire, burning steadily in the night and I am like a fluttering and flighty moth attracted to the light; wanting to be warmed by the glow but never daring to get too close…scared I may be burned by it’s flames and get swallowed up in the inferno

He fulfills this need without even touching my body. And I keep craving for it like a drug…and when I get a dose of its attention; I am breathless and I feen for him like a junkie…

but I know it’s wrong, it takes a lot of self discipline to not even go there. To not want to meet him… to say no when my body says yes… I know it’s wrong…

He speaks my love language

29

The Single & Dating Scenes / Re: Is it okay to ignore good night and good morning texts?

« on: March 31, 2022, 07:01:43 PM »

In your situation Rebel, I think he has a feeling you like him only as a friend and I think you're aware he likes you more than a friend.  I'm sure you send him plenty a signal and that doesn't seem to work.  Instead of sending clues and signal, put a closure to it so both of you know where things stand.

I think maybe it’s just hard to end something like this… we are friends but there are attractions also. I have mentioned about it a month ago but he avoid that conversation and continues to text/call… I really need to cut it off completely! I just know it’s not going to go well 

30

The Single & Dating Scenes / Re: Is it okay to ignore good night and good morning texts?

« on: March 31, 2022, 06:55:58 PM »

If you enjoy talking to him then why not? I don't see what the problem is.

I’m in a relationship and he knows that but i don’t know how to really end something like this. We’re friends but like it would have to be like a break up and who breaks up with a friend like this? Lol