How to detach from a severe dismissive avoidant

[Believe_N_Me]

The most traumatizing relationship you'll ever experience is when you're with a severe dismissive avoidant (DA). DA and narcissists have the same behaviors but the only difference is intentions. Narcissists are intentional when it comes to mistreating you, whereas the DA doesn't even realize that they are mistreating you. A DA's behavior comes from a place of childhood trauma and/or past toxic relationships where they always view themselves as the victim and their partner is trying to take something from them. However, the behaviors are the same and the phases are the same. Abusive behaviors include but are not limited to: breadcrumbing, stonewalling, and gaslighting. Phases include but are not limited to: idealization, devaluing, discarding, and hoovering.

I won't go over the definitions of those terms just yet, but rather help you recognize if you're in relationship with a DA. The point of this thread will be to help you accept that it is an attachment disorder and how to detach, move on, and heal so you can find yourself a securely attached partner who values you and reciprocates. Or just to heal and love yourself, be comfortable being alone.

Currently, there are too many videos that only explain how to navigate a relationship with them but personally, I highly recommend that you don't risk your own sanity for someone who will discard you anyways. And I say "will" with a guarantee because dismissive avoidants are incapable of having a healthy relationship. Even if they stick around, it really is transactional for them at that point. They're there because they can still get something from you. Whether it's external benefits or just validating their self-esteem. Otherwise, if they have no use for you, you will be ghosted. And here is where you will feel very burned - they won't miss you. They will actually feel relieved. If they do have any feelings of depression, it really is about them and never about what you brought to their life.

[Believe_N_Me]

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[Believe_N_Me]

It will always be your choice to stay with a dismissive avoidant but just remember that it's a guarantee they will discard you at some point even when you're well into a marriage with them. Dismissive avoidants do not have healthy relationships ever because they have abandonment issues. They truly believe all relationships eventually come to an end so why invest emotionally. They all have a limited threshold for commitment. For example, some will only go as far as putting a label on the relationship, some can even go as far as marriage. Whatever that threshold is, if they've reached their max then they feel very burdened and fearful. This creates a lot of anxiety in their partner.

But just know this, a DA will never fight for you or for the relationship.

[Believe_N_Me]

There are ways to recognize if a person is a dismissive avoidant but I won't go into details on that. The point is that after you pick up signs that they're a DA, how do you start to detach and avoid all this emotional stress and heartache?

If you haven't developed feelings for them then it's probably not too hard to go away quietly. Unfortunately, most people don't pick up on this until after they've already developed very strong feelings and that's because DAs, like narcissists, are masters of hooking you at the beginning. Even when you see all the red flags in the beginning, the dopamine rush you get from being with them is too addicting. Plus, DAs and narcissists do tend to pursue people at their most vulnerable state. And if you aren't going through a vulnerable period, they will keep picking and picking until they find your weak spot then play on that. There are 4 types that DAs and narcissists are attracted to, so when they spot these people they will pursue hard. It's just easier when the person is going through a vulnerable period in their life.

The narcissist preys upon these people with bad intentions. The DA doesn't do it with bad intentions but the results are the same. Narcissist and DA have the same behavior patterns.

So one way to start detaching is to accept that this is a severe disorder. I don't know how the rest of you feel but I admit that I am too selfish to be burdened with taking care of someone with a severe disorder. It's like knowing that a person has HIV or cancer from the moment that I meet them. Do I really want to deal with this? I think it's one thing if they were fine when we met, got together, then married, and then they get cancer, diabetes, etc. (NO STD though  ). But if I know beforehand that they have a severe disorder, I'm not going to get involved. I don't see myself bending over backwards, and tiptoeing around their emotions/personality only to eventually be dumped by them. And let me remind everyone that they will dump you in the end. And if they don't, it's only because you're a doormat whose willing to put up with their crap even though they don't love you, are not in love with you, and don't reciprocate.

DAs don't ever work on themselves so it's not like while you're trying to compromise and understand them, they're doing the same in return.

You'll always be anxious. You don't know when they're going to suddenly abandon you, other than it's definitely going to happen when you least expect it. Probably right after you made a big investment in each other because that's how they are. It's almost like you gotta be totally toxic for them to stick around and do you want to be a toxic person? You might be able to keep them around but then you won't even like yourself. 

[Believe_N_Me]

You deserve to be with someone whose going to stick around as the love deepens, not someone who runs away or checks out in the middle of something great.

One thing about DAs is that they are not apologetic about their actions. They always feel justified and they believe they had no other choice. They actually believe that they're doing you a favor. They feel like a martyr and believe it, too. Their actions are made unilaterally. That means you will never have any say even when the decision is actually yours alone to make. That's because the DA wants to be the dumper before being dumped. Once they've made their decision they are sticking to it. If you try to intervene or convince them otherwise, you are now disrespecting them and giving them more justification for discarding you.

Another trait about DAs is that they truly are individualisti c, but not in a good way. When a relationship ends, they actually feel very relieved. They are no longer burdened to reciprocate, because that is how they really feel in a relationship. This is why the healthier the partner, the more they want to run away. They have great feelings of guilt for not being able to return the love to a good person. So ask yourself why be in a relationship with someone who is scared of your love?

With a toxic partner, they also have guilt but for a different reason. They feel guilty because they know that they flat out used that person. Which is why they perform more acts of service to the toxic person than the good person. The DA views this as "hey, I paid you back, didn't I?"

[Believe_N_Me]

A second way of detaching easier is that you and the DA are not going to the same place in life. Reaching milestones in the relationship requires deeper emotional intimacy and commitment. DAs have a threshold and when you reach theirs, they will discard you. For example, some won't find it so scary to live together, but get married? Nah. While others will get to marriage, but have a baby? Nope. So on and so forth. There have been incidents where both have gotten all the way to retirement when the DA decides it's too much to live in old age with their spouse. Discard.

In the beginning when you're experiencing limerence and they're future faking with you, it will sound like you two have the same goals in life. DAs do desire the same thing as you (the secure attachment personality that you are), but rarely will they ever actually physically manifest it. DAs like the idea of those things but in reality, when they actually have to work for it to make it happen, it's very overwhelming to them. In addition, they're scared of humiliation.

DAs have really big egos.

The only example I can think of is this, not saying this person is a DA but it's still a good example.

Have you ever met a person who was always praising someone else's accomplishment s like it's something they really desired? Maybe they've even told you that they wished the same would happen for them. But then when you tell them that they can achieve the same thing, they're like, "nah, it's okay. I'm content."

It's especially frustrating when their life is tied to yours and you know that it can be achieved but they won't help you. Yet, they're always praising others.

I've known people who praise non-stop about the beauty and cleanliness of someone else's home. While I'm thinking, "you can do the same in your house if only you'd clean up." But they're like, "nah, I'm too tired and have no energy." And it's more frustrating when they live with you and you want to achieve the same beauty but they choose to be a slob while praising others.

The DA is exactly like that! They desire and admired others but don't feel they deserve the same thing. But strangely, they also have very big egos. They'll tell you that the reason they don't have those other things is because they choose not to. 

This is why the DA is not going to help you achieve those dreams that they supposedly share with you. You'll feel very disappointed because unlike them, you were actually working hard to manifest it only to have everything fall apart AND THEN BE TOLD BY THE DA THAT THEY'RE CONTENT.

In the end, you will not have built anything, accrued anything, nor have anything to show for your investment and efforts - ONLY TO HAVE THE DA DISCARD YOU ANYWAYS.

YOU WILL END UP ALONE AND HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.

[Believe_N_Me]

A third reason to move on and heal is that DAs don't get better with age. In fact, they get worse. Remember, they have a disorder that can't be cured. Get into a relationship with them and you are signing up for a heartache. Just like getting with someone who has a chronic illness that is going to end in death. It's only a matter of time.

The longer you're in a relationship with them, the worse it just gets for you. DAs don't self-reflect. They don't get wiser nor do they have the desire to protect whatever they've built with you - that is if you were even able to build with them.

If anything, they feel pressured to keep it up. Therefore, you're going to get discarded anyways whether they physically leave you, emotionally check out or start making unilateral decisions. DAs are very individualisti c.

Once they've ended things with you, they will feel a heavy burden lifted from them. They will feel depressed months or years later but again, that has nothing to do with you. It's just them feeling sorry for themselves and acting like a victim. They'll tell themselves that they're too giving and they can never find the right person, when it was really they who sabotaged a good relationship OR chose a partner whom they didn't genuinely love. DAs actually long for a deeply, emotional relationship but also fear it at the same time.

So you see, nobody and nothing will ever be good enough for the DA because they don't believe in themselves and they don't self-reflect.

Let's say they do find one of those people I previously mentioned who are in the relationship purely for transactional purposes. Well eventually they can't take it because the DA is actually a very sensitive and emotional type of person. And the DA won't ever get with an apathetic person. For someone who is so afraid of emotional attachment, they are super touchy feely. DAs would prefer an angry person over someone who is apathetic because an angry person means they have some feelings for the DA. DAs often mistake anger and jealousy for signs of love. They like that kind of tension while at the same time desiring peace.

The older they get, they start making unilateral decisions. Trust them when they say that whatever they did, they weren't even thinking about you. They don't say that to intentionally hurt you. In fact, what they do isn't ever intentionally to hurt you. They are just very individualisti c in that way. They compartmentali ze their life.

For example, if they start seeing another person it may have nothing to do with you. It's not because you aren't enough. It's because they needed validation from another person to feel good about themselves. They don't view their actions as hurting you. They just think they're soothing the hurt inside of them. It's always about soothing their pain.

Don't be surprised when they up and leave after having a family with you because they needed to go soothe their pain and find themselves. Or they start behaving in ways that kill the relationship.

Again, it doesn't get better with time. It gets worse because the DA is forever on that path of soothing their pain.

[Believe_N_Me]

So if you're totally fine with investing and putting in a lot of effort into someone who will never heal and only gets worse, plus, will eventually discard you, then that's your decision to make.

Honestly, only people with toxic traits (like avoidant and anxious) would be willing because they really are just betting on the day to day. They feel lucky just to have someone for the day. And if that day turns into many more days, weeks, months, and years of anxiety and toxicity, well again, they're content to even have someone to entertain drama with them.

[Believe_N_Me]

So why did I even post this up?

Because despite all the anxiety that you will experience being with a dismissive avoidant partner, you will feel a lot of euphoria with them, too. That is why a relationship with them is so traumatizing.

When a dismissive avoidant shows up in a relationship, they are amazing. You really do feel like you've met your soulmate and life does feel so much better with them. It's almost perfection. Too good to be true. That's because DAs really crave that movie romance and will create the fairytale in the beginning. They live off the dopamine high.

DA will almost always be perfect, especially in the beginning. They're attentive, affectionate, admirable, and perform a lot of acts of service without being asked to do so. You will feel like you're in a real relationship with them - the relationship of your dreams. They will treat your connection like a real relationship. Then suddenly, if they don't ghost you, they start fading and you're wondering if you did something wrong. Why did they stop? If you approach them about it, they will view you as being needy and clingy. But they won't fight with you either because they're "avoidant". You know that you should end things with them but your brain is addicted to the awesome parts about them.

You just want to get back to the place when you and they were amazing together and had this awesome life together. It is especially hard if you are married to them. Your brain keeps telling you that nobody else will treat you this well and maybe you should just forget about the really bad parts.

But just know that the awesome things they did with you and for you was all a mask even though they didn't intentionally do it to trick you - but you'll feel that way. The real them is the person who will always sabotage the connection, abandon you, ghost you, and cause you anxiety.

Secure people can be awesome too and in fact, it will just keep getting more awesome.

[Believe_N_Me]

I will also add that DAs can be in a good marriage until it isn't. What I mean by that is that you might think you have a good marriage because the DA is performing acts of services to fulfill their marital obligations. But you'll start to notice that emotional intimacy isn't growing. You might not even have that at all. You'll also notice that everything you have in your marriage is because you initiated it and cultivated it. The DA did their part to help because DAs can actually be very responsible people, but if it all went away, they could care less. And that's why they aren't emotionally growing or even fighting to save the connection. They are just there to provide the labor that is expected in the marriage.

Therefore, it is only a matter of time when they will actively do something to sabotage the marriage. And of course, it was never meant to hurt or attack you but because they needed to do it to soothe some internal pain they have. 

[JonniJacko]

It's important to address that not all dismissive avoidants have bad intentions. Some from my observance usually just keeps to themselves, knowing that they might not be able to reciprocate the same level of effort and investment to someone due to whatever is going on in their thought process. It can be overanalyzing things, difficulty overcoming self esteem issues or having uncontrollably negative thoughts, or they see and know too much about the truth..In other words, they are too smart for their own good. LOL

But if it's a broken D.A with nothing but hate, anger, and vengeance boiling in their blood...You are dealing with a walking troubled soul...It's probably not worth it, unless they acknowledge it and seeks help...Or if they want to cut the chase short, just have a faith system. I think. It worked for some people. LOL

[Believe_N_Me]

One thing to really look for in a partner other than their temperament is how resilient they are when it comes to recovering from life's curve balls. You don't want to be connected to someone who shuts down and can't get back up - or I should say "refuses" to get back up. And if they do, how do they go about it? If it's in dismissive ways then you don't need that in your life. It will only chip away at your worth over time.

Anyways, even if the DA doesn't intentionally hurt the other person, it still hurts the same. I highly recommend that secure attachment style people stay far away because being a DA is in my honest opinion a personality disorder - and not the kind you want to burden yourself with. Plus, just remember that when they discard you they really don't care about you. In fact, they actually feel very relieved and unburdened. They just go onto the next person or thing that will validate them.

The majority NEVER heal from their trauma nor do they even think they need to heal because they have no self-reflection.

Not ever DA is a narcissist but every narcissist is a DA.

Let that sink in.

[JonniJacko]

i think my co-worker said there is two types.

fearful avoidants and dismissal avoidants....

fearful are good avoidants, just have a lot of fears...

dismissal are all about themselves...h aha

but wise old man once told me, having fears is better than not having any at all...lol

[Believe_N_Me]

Yep.

Fearful avoidants just have anxiety and that can be healed if their partner is a secure attachment style.

Dismissive avoidants are like the plague. Stay away. They will actually destroy a secure attachment style and cause a lot of PTSD for that person.

DAs do not heal. I don't care what Adam Lane Smith says.

The DA I know is even worse than before. At least when he was younger, one can say that he didn't have much life experience. Now that he's old, all he has to his legacy is that he has caused people much PTSD.

Honestly, as a human being if you haven't built anything great with at least one person (whether that be externally or internally), then uh "bye".

[JonniJacko]

Yep.

Fearful avoidants just have anxiety and that can be healed if their partner is a secure attachment style.

Dismissive avoidants are like the plague. Stay away. They will actually destroy a secure attachment style and cause a lot of PTSD for that person.

DAs do not heal. I don't care what Adam Lane Smith says.

The DA I know is even worse than before. At least when he was younger, one can say that he didn't have much life experience. Now that he's old, all he has to his legacy is that he has caused people much PTSD.

Honestly, as a human being if you haven't built anything great with at least one person (whether that be externally or internally), then uh "bye".

Yes, I've been a fearful avoidant all my life. LOL and the truth is, even fearful avoidants will developed ill-perversions, but they know right from wrong. They are the very first ones to have empathy.

Dismissives, they carry that "I don't give a shit" mentality, "hurt or get hurt" mentality. haha And then they use the Life is cruel, its the reality, to justify their actions...and say they gotta do what they gotta do, they got needs too...LOL

So yup, it's important for people, esp. Young people to understand these stuffs before entering the dating/relationship market...these attachments style can be contagious as well....LOL you mess with a D.A and you might just become one yourself...You are anxious, and you're lucky to have a Secure show you the way,tame you down, then it's like cool...haha Anxious and Anxious? well, they might calm down after the honeymoon phase and all the sex they needed from one another. LMAO

D.A and D.A= its going to be a contest who can outlast with no contact the longest. LMAO

Fearful Avoidant and D.A= Usually the fearful will just be like "whatever"....and the D.A might get frustrated because their tricks don't work on a Fearful, so it's like....no contact forever...afte r some time....lols