Everything was going great, so why did they ghost?

[Believe_N_Me]

To be clear, ghosting doesn't apply when you're just getting to know someone. Even though the chemistry was amazing and they were lovebombing you everyday (which is actually a big red flag), if a relationship hadn't been established then it really isn't ghosting if they suddenly stop all contact with you.

Ghosting is when they stop all contact after a relationship was established and you've been planning the next steps. The sudden silence usually happens after you've been sharing intimate connections (doesn't always have to be sex) and you expect actions to follow.

Most likely what happened was that they weren't honest with you about their situation when you first met. They lied to you that they were available to be in a relationship when they weren't. It could be anything that would prevent them from being fully committed to you. And commitment in this case isn't marriage but more like fully invested in the relationship with you.

However, because you were so damn amazing and a great catch, they didn't want to have a missed opportunity with you. Therefore, they initiated a relationship with you. But somewhere along the way it was too overwhelming for them. They also knew that they couldn't keep breadcrumbing forever. The more you got to know them, the more the truth would reveal itself.

So, they had to go cold turkey.

They know that you're too amazing for them and they'd feel ashamed if you knew the truth.

Trust them when they say that it's them, because there never has been a reason to end the relationship if things have been going good. It's one thing if you two were always fighting and there were obvious incompatibilit ies. But if they ghosted you just as things were going good, then it's because they were wearing a mask the entire time and it was about to fall off.

If they can't be fully honest with you and give you the opportunity to consider moving forward in the relationship, then even if they choose you it won't be a healthy relationship. They're going to create a lot of anxiety in you.

A healthy relationship makes you feel calm, safe, secure, and certain. Even if they're an axe murderer, they need to be transparent and let you decide if you want to be with an axe murderer. Hiding the truth and making you feel anxious because you're naturally going to start drawing all these conclusions in your head is not a good thing.

They're not your person and the sooner you detach, you're going to attract your person.

This is exactly what happened to me before. As soon as I detached and accepted that he wasn't my person, my person showed up. My person gave me peace, security, and things just kept progressing. There wasn't any obstacle that we couldn't overcome. But when it's not your person, gosh, they will make the littlest thing seem like a trek over Mount Everest. 

Oh I still think this person was manipulative and deceitful. In the words of Dok Chompa, "they have no integrity". Ghosting a person when things are good only confirms that the ghoster had a lot of "skeletons" in their closet. No pun intended.

 

[Believe_N_Me]

Look for a partner with resilience.

Life can get hard. You want someone who is tough and can overcome adversity, not someone who shuts down and calls it quit.

If you're married to a white person, please share your experience.

A Hmong girl dated her white husband for 10 years before they finally married. They were married for 20 years and had children. The husband sustained an injury to the shoulder at work, which left him with some minor disabilities. Because of this he filed for divorce. He claimed that he still loved her but did not want to be a burden.

Personally, he can't make that kind of unilateral decision. It really was her choice to decide if she wanted to stay in the marriage. But this is a mes kas dude and it would bruise his ego to be taken care of then have her resent him. Funny because we Asians marry specifically for the benefit of having a spouse take care of us when we become disabled, old, etc.

Another Hmong girl also dated her white husband for about 5 years before getting married. Their marriage lasted about 15 years and they had children. The husband got cancer and wanted to divorce. He had the same reason, too. He didn't want to burden her. Not sure what she did or said but they didn't divorce. He lived for another two years before he succumbed to his illness.

What is up with these mes kas dudes?

[Believe_N_Me]

Friends and family have noticed that a woman's husband kept putting off having children after 10 years of marriage. They didn't think this was a good sign. They believed he was stringing her along until he was ready to let her go. By then, she could be past her childbearing years and he'll just go make a family with someone new. Plus, their marriage had been mostly rocky and one-sided. They thought she should leave while she was young.

Some say that it's really her fault because she is being stupid and allows him to mistreat her. Others say that while that may be true, she does want to stay married and it is more his fault. He's the manipulative one because he already knows that he doesn't see a future with her. Hence why he puts off having a baby. But instead of doing the right thing and breaking up with her, he is using her as a placeholder.

I'm going with Dr. John Deloney on this. If you know that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, then you should break up with the other person and stop stringing them along. You're keeping them around because you're too much of a coward OR because you're totally using them as a placeholder.

Either way, you suck. You're manipulative and deceitful. You should not be in a relationship with anyone because you're selfish.

Those are Dr. Deloney's exact words. lol

[Believe_N_Me]

In the end, if someone can let an amazing relationship go because they're too "preoccupied" with something else, then consider yourself having dodged a bullet.

That type of person is incapable of ever having a lasting amazing relationship because what person in their right mind would let that go?

If you found a million dollars would you just say, "nope, I can't take it now because I'm too busy."?

Of course not.

It's very rare for lightning to strike twice.

And if they can ghost you when times are good, then you gotta assume that they're going to really abandon you when times are bad.

I'm the kind of person who believes that if someone can't appreciate the good thing, then they deserve to have the bad. Therefore, they need to quit complaining and acting like a victim when they only get the bad because they're the one who threw away the good.

They'll find someone. The person they'll keep is someone who isn't in your league but will put up with this BS nonsense. But be thankful that's not you. You're too good for that. And all the while that they're with that other person, they'll be thinking about the missed opportunities with amazing people like you.

[Believe_N_Me]

I actually listened to a story about a man who was very narcissistic. He married a woman whom he didn't think that very highly of but she was very dutiful, obedient, cooperative, and put up with his BS. She was decent enough for him to sleep with and have children with. But throughout all their marriage he was fantasizing about the kind of women he wished he had enough confidence to be with. And whenever he met one who showed interest, he would shower her with attention. He'd get into all sorts of fighting with the wife but he knew she was too weak to leave.

When the wife asked why he didn't divorce and marry the woman he was cheating with, he flat out said that he didn't have the confidence. He knew he didn't meet that other woman's expectations if they actually got married. He rudely said that he stayed with the wife because she allowed him to mistreat her and he was too comfortable with that. He was getting the best of both worlds.

[Believe_N_Me]

A man has to have confidence and feel worthy to keep the relationship going.

A man was instantly in love with a lady he met at the New Year's. By Hmong standards she is considered pretty. She turned out to be an even-tempered and cooperative person who he got along with. How lucky he was that she was interested in him, too. Therefore, he wasted no time in marrying her as that was very typical back in the day. However, he didn't realize that most of what he was feeling was lust because soon he realized that he did not have the wealth, intelligence or attributes to give her a good life. The man was an orphan and the girl came from a broken home. Their attraction was based on childhood trauma. He lusted and wanted a trophy wife to boost his ego and self-esteem. She wanted a husband who adored her so she could have her own happy family.

Needless to say, overtime their connection eroded. People would sneer and remark that a man like him did not have the wealth to keep a beautiful woman happy. They would make such comment as, "your wife is so pretty. You should have her wear nicer clothes to match her." At first, the wife said that his kindness was enough. But she couldn't help desire what other wives had. Their husbands were able to provide an abundant lifestyle while she was went through the Goodwill bins. Those wives drove nice cars while she rode in an old, beat up jalopy.

Then her own ego got to her. Those wives were not as pretty or as nice. Some of them were downright unappreciative of their husbands and YET, look at their abundant life? Meanwhile, men approached her everyday. Some of these men were highly educated, wealthy, and also attractive. Her husband was attractive, too, but he couldn't provide anything.

Needless to say, she fell into temptation and cheated with a non-Hmong man. She eventually left her kind, loving husband who adored and worshipped her.

A smart man doesn't make a commitment to his dream girl unless he is confident that he can give her an abundant life. He would rather settle and commit to the woman whom he feels he can make happy. It's not as bruising to his ego. 

[Believe_N_Me]

A girl willingly eloped with an out-of-state guy whom she briefly met at the New Year, and straight up told him that she didn't love him nor was attracted to him.  Nobody forced her or coerced her to go with him. She entered his car out of her own free will.

Anyways, she always saw herself as too good for him and that he was an old man who wasn't her type. She would never get out of the car whenever they attended his family events and he had to bring her a plate. If she did show herself to the party, she had the balls to tell his female relatives just how badly she thought of his looks, intelligence, on and on.

After 10 years of a loveless marriage and children, she ran off with some dude she met at work. Even though everybody knew how repulsed she felt about her husband, nobody took her for the cheating type who had the audacity to run off with another man.

It's strange to me how there are people who willingly enter a marriage with a person whom they're vehemently unattracted to. And what about the people who willingly marry someone whom they know isn't attracted to them? What did they hope to get out of the marriage?

[JonniJacko]

Look for a partner with resilience.

Life can get hard. You want someone who is tough and can overcome adversity, not someone who shuts down and calls it quit.

If you're married to a white person, please share your experience.

A Hmong girl dated her white husband for 10 years before they finally married. They were married for 20 years and had children. The husband sustained an injury to the shoulder at work, which left him with some minor disabilities. Because of this he filed for divorce. He claimed that he still loved her but did not want to be a burden.

Personally, he can't make that kind of unilateral decision. It really was her choice to decide if she wanted to stay in the marriage. But this is a mes kas dude and it would bruise his ego to be taken care of then have her resent him. Funny because we Asians marry specifically for the benefit of having a spouse take care of us when we become disabled, old, etc.

Another Hmong girl also dated her white husband for about 5 years before getting married. Their marriage lasted about 15 years and they had children. The husband got cancer and wanted to divorce. He had the same reason, too. He didn't want to burden her. Not sure what she did or said but they didn't divorce. He lived for another two years before he succumbed to his illness.

What is up with these mes kas dudes?

They know they are going to die, they divorce so she gets none of the life insurance money. right? She gets her share of assets they accumulated together, but his life insurance is going to uh maybe his favorite charity. haha You get the point. haha

[Believe_N_Me]

They know they are going to die, they divorce so she gets none of the life insurance money. right? She gets her share of assets they accumulated together, but his life insurance is going to uh maybe his favorite charity. haha You get the point. haha

 

In other words, she can't purchase a nraug mos ab from Laos with the life insurance money.

[Dok_Champa]

and let me also add, people who use ghosting are "cowards" and "selfish."  They don't want to deal w/ their lies so they "run away" like a coward.  Real men are accountable to their behaviors/actions, period.  If you did someone wrong, don't be a coward and owe up to your lies.  That's my take.  In my entire life, I have not ghosted anyone because you treat others how you want to be treated in any relationship.

[theking]

They don't want to deal w/ their lies so they "run away" like a coward.  Real men are accountable to their behaviors/actions, period.

That applies to women too. That's why I've always respected women that just tell me straight up "no" when I ask them out vs. LYING "coward" ones that said things like "maybe", "I'll get back to you", and other excuses but never got back and disappear like a "ghost"...with zero accountability for their LIES..

[JonniJacko]

In other words, she can't purchase a nraug mos ab from Laos with the life insurance money.

oh dang, is that common now days? dang.

[Believe_N_Me]

and let me also add, people who use ghosting are "cowards" and "selfish."  They don't want to deal w/ their lies so they "run away" like a coward.  Real men are accountable to their behaviors/actions, period.  If you did someone wrong, don't be a coward and owe up to your lies.  That's my take.  In my entire life, I have not ghosted anyone because you treat others how you want to be treated in any relationship.

Bingo!

 

[Believe_N_Me]

oh dang, is that common now days? dang.

I know two women who did this. They were both a lot older than their husbands. The first one married her Hmong Lao husband in the late 90s after her late husband passed away from cancer. They are still married today, but they don't have children together. She already had children. I don't know if she just couldn't have anymore or if it was by choice.

The second woman tried to get her Hmong Lao husband to America but there were complications. After awhile, it was clear that the guy just didn't want to marry her.

[JonniJacko]

Oh yeah, I remember someone telling me a joke, okay maybe more like a real story that he found funny. But I didn't really get it at the time why he thought it was funny...A couple divorced, and one year they randomly run into each other overseas. The guy ask the ex wife "what are you doing here?"...she replied  "same thing you are"

Ohhhhh I get it now....LMAO

I didn't know it was a thing for women too...Pass port sistas...hack yeah... LMAO