PebHmong Discussion Forum
Relationship => Marriage & Family Life => Topic started by: Dok_Champa on January 26, 2018, 03:34:12 PM
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Most Hmong marriages are very similar because most hmong men are wire similarly in their understanding of a woman's needs or women in general. (Maybe because they came from the same pool/cultures). AND a woman fools herself thinking she'll find someone different by replacing the old w/ the new only to find herself back to the same old marriage she left. If that's the case - why divorce in the first place. To really change a marriage - don't marry a hmong man. That's what i'm thinking.
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I can see that to a degree especially in areas where Hmong women have very little to zero rights but to flip it around from what I've seen here in the states, some Hmong men are in the same boat too as the grass is not always greener either when they remarried another Hmong woman. Sometimes that new Hmong wife is actually more problems than the old one...It really just depends on the situation..
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Well, why did she leave the old marriage? There are things that are universal to the Hmong. Then there are things that are individualisti c. If she divorced for something that is universal then might as well not marry another Hmong.
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I can see that to a degree especially in areas where Hmong women have very little to zero rights but to flip it around from what I've seen here in the states, some Hmong men are in the same boat too as the grass is not always greener either when they remarried another Hmong woman. Sometimes that new Hmong wife is actually more problems than the old one...It really just depends on the situation..
Women's right, men's right...they're important but in a marriage, in relationship, it's understanding each other's need. Women do a better job and men still very poor.
.Most Hmong people are INSANE. By insane, I mean doing the same thing and expecting a different result! This applies to nearly every Hmong person I know and whatever crises they are currently experiencing. My unsolicitated advice is to take a few steps back, evaluate the situation, and find a solution to break free from the perpetual cycle. Just a thought.
I don't know if Insane is the right word but in a marriage, not willing to learn, get out of their comfort zone.Well, why did she leave the old marriage? There are things that are universal to the Hmong. Then there are things that are individualisti c. If she divorced for something that is universal then might as well not marry another Hmong.
Marriage practices, gender roles (roles of wive/husband/children,e tc..) I know these are universal to the hmong but now I'm also saying the mass of hmong men also have universal thinking and only limited individualisti c. Since this is the case, if a person marry a hmong man, whether 1 or 10, the chances of getting into a similar marriages is greater than a truly transform one.
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Women's right, men's right...they're important but in a marriage, in relationship, it's understanding each other's need. Women do a better job and men still very poor.
Women's rights are not that important in Laos when I was there as they have very little to zero rights meaning that many of them have no say in the matter when it comes to marriage...Men do the negotiating for their heads similar to a livestock auction yard or a car sale. I don't think women do a better job than men either in terms of understanding needs...It's more like 50/50 from what I've seen here...
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They are similar in a sense that they don't know how to love their women right.
I see ugly Hmong dude with pretty wife and the guy neglected her like no other. In come slick rick n what you think will happen?
Loyalty is created when the love is there. Even pimps are able to build the loyalty from his hoes n it is mind blowing to see her makes the money n gives it to dude. What I do know is a pimp he has the pimp juice to show her the warmth n love n with that alone, she will never stray.
I have yet to see a Hmong couple that makes me jealous. One where I wish I would have that kind of love. All I got are the typical Hmong guys who kick it with video games n doing shotgun with bud light. Plus they cheat on their wives with hookers at any chance without getting caught cuz that's all they talk about when the wives are upstairs or in the house while the guys are chilling outside.
I do notice that the good Hmong are the ones that live the American lifestyle. My house don't look Hmong n my job don't look Hmong n we are law abiding citizens who are like theking, haters of a Hmong society filled up with them Hmong stereotypes.
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Most Hmong marriages are very similar because most hmong men are wire similarly in their understanding of a woman's needs or women in general. (Maybe because they came from the same pool/cultures). AND a woman fools herself thinking she'll find someone different by replacing the old w/ the new only to find herself back to the same old marriage she left. If that's the case - why divorce in the first place. To really change a marriage - don't marry a hmong man. That's what i'm thinking.
hmm.. "most", eh.. Velly interestering imdeed.
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Most Hmong marriages are very similar because most hmong men are wire similarly in their understanding of a woman's needs or women in general. (Maybe because they came from the same pool/cultures). AND a woman fools herself thinking she'll find someone different by replacing the old w/ the new only to find herself back to the same old marriage she left. If that's the case - why divorce in the first place. To really change a marriage - don't marry a hmong man. That's what i'm thinking.
Interesting thoughts. I would like some support whether it be from personal experience (examples), experience of others (examples), or studies.
My thoughts: certainly gender role/cultural practices/personal belief/upbringing/and law of the land plays a part in how one gender treats the other. I wouldn't attribute it to only one factor (being Hmong). Because this society values both gender equally there's equal access to education, jobs and other things. The younger generation Hmong men treat girls the same as boys with the same expectations. The only difference in treatment is prbably being more protective. With more opportunities here, both husband and wife have to work to survive. As such, there is a general view of equality and respect.
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Most Hmong marriages are very similar because most hmong men are wire similarly in their understanding of a woman's needs or women in general. (Maybe because they came from the same pool/cultures). AND a woman fools herself thinking she'll find someone different by replacing the old w/ the new only to find herself back to the same old marriage she left. If that's the case - why divorce in the first place. To really change a marriage - don't marry a hmong man. That's what i'm thinking.
obviously not all Hmong men. My husband is not like that. He treats me good, even after 9 years. Now I don't know what the future will be like for us, but for now it is good.
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I think people are too focus on finding the answer, solution, need, want, etc.. etc. Whatever it may be. I don't believe it's about whether or not you found what you're looking for but the willingness to find it together. We may in our lifetime never find what we're looking for, but the willingness to find it together keeps us together.
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I think people are too focus on finding the answer, solution, need, want, etc.. etc. Whatever it may be. I don't believe it's about whether or not you found what you're looking for but the willingness to find it together. We may in our lifetime never find what we're looking for, but the willingness to find it together keeps us together.
There's a saying, "Life is a journey not a destination" to encourage people to enjoy the process and not too focus on the destination. Yes, when people are willing to find it together, even if they don't reach their goals, being together is much more meaningful than the end product. This only work if two people are looking for the same thing. What if what I want is not what you want and what you want is not what I want etc... How do people come to a solution/compromise? Some things in life you can compromise and some things in life you can't. It's all about understanding/listening to each other's wants and needs and that leads me back to my original conclusion.
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Yes, the journey saying. It's too cliche for me to say. We've all heard it too often, but seriously only very few will ever truly know what it means.
But it's the knowing that is the problem. When we think we know what it is that we want, that is all we focus on. When we're so focus on one thing, we miss out on everything else. I'm an old man, so by now I've learned that what I need and want may not always bring me happiness.
It is the not knowing in life that will give us the most and truest happiness.
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It is the not knowing in life that will give us the most and truest happiness.
I beg to differ - the not knowing in life give us hope. AND hope is what makes us human - keep us going. Happiness requires knowing and understanding requires an open mind (don't focus on just one thing).
AND so leads me back to my original conclusion.
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What you're saying is that you need to know to be happy. Just like you need to see to believe. If you are happy, you need not know. If you believe, you need not see. When you are able to do just that, again, it's in it's truest form.
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What you're saying is that you need to know to be happy. Just like you need to see to believe. If you are happy, you need not know. If you believe, you need not see. When you are able to do just that, again, it's in it's truest form.
That truest form you mentioned sounds a lot like a robot to me ;D Happiness requires knowing - people need to know what makes them happy or others. Without it, how can you bring happiness to yourself or others?
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I assume you know exactly what makes you happy and you have found happiness. You may be one of the few and lucky. I’ve come to understand that only when we stop searching can anything be found. And what it is that we know today is far from what it is that we will need tomorrow. Just like what we know today is what we should have known yesterday. With that in mind, will tomorrow still bring you the same happiness you think you know today.
If happiness is of the mind, then knowing is best. But if happiness is that of the Heart, then you need just let it be and it will.
Knowing is constantly changing, if we keep chasing what we know, there may never be an end to our search. Happiness isn't something that you find, God has already given it to us.
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Happiness is to have a perception to what happiness is and you either meet it or exceed it.
Our definition of our own happiness varies.
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I assume you know exactly what makes you happy and you have found happiness. You may be one of the few and lucky. I’ve come to understand that only when we stop searching can anything be found. And what it is that we know today is far from what it is that we will need tomorrow. Just like what we know today is what we should have known yesterday. With that in mind, will tomorrow still bring you the same happiness you think you know today.
If happiness is of the mind, then knowing is best. But if happiness is that of the Heart, then you need just let it be and it will.
Knowing is constantly changing, if we keep chasing what we know, there may never be an end to our search. Happiness isn't something that you find, God has already given it to us.
I would say all of us desire to be happy & loved in life and we all have an idea of what it is that will bring us to that state of being. Sometimes things/life may not go as we plan that's why faith & hope is such a crucial factor for our sanity/existence. Gratitude is always another crucial element. Gratitude, faith, and hope promote positive thinking, the drive to never give up and the humble heart for the things you do have. Ex: The gift of life, another beautiful sunrise, sunset, etc.... But being human, the search for happiness and love is an ingrain part of us and one never stop searching, hoping until one finds it. You find it when love and happiness align w/ your heart, soul, mind, and body and when people nourish it-- like a plant, a flower, it blooms ever so beautifully and when neglect, eventually dies, dried up, or if alive - faded in colors - not vibrant like at the beginning, slow in growth, not producing big blooms, etc... and so leads me back to my original post.
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Happiness is to have a perception to what happiness is and you either meet it or exceed it.
Our definition of our own happiness varies.
Yes.
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don't marry a hmong man.
Your original post. Your mind is already set on not marrying a hmong man to give yourself a chance at happiness. You can't find what you've already left behind. Maybe it's not finding happiness through others, but finding happiness within yourself. When you stop searching, you will find it. It will have been right where you left it.
People always ask me, "What it is that I look for in a person to love." I say, "Nothing". I Look for nothing so that I may give everything a chance. If I only seek what I know to make me happy, I will surely miss out on the one thing that will. Because at the end of the day, what is it that we truly know. If we truly do know, we will come to understand that we know very little. And if we know very little, then it'd be dumb to bank on what it is that we know to guide us to happiness.
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I'm on my Fon so bare with me.
Happiness is like eating at a buffet bar. You could eat the whole thing and tell yourself that there is nothing else for you to eat so the game is over and you are satisfied or being happy.
However, the world that I lived in, no one eats the whole buffet bar. We eat enough and be satisfied and we are happy that we ate enough.
Same thing with life. What is our perception that will make us satisfied? A house all payed off, no bills, a retirement check, what more do you need? Oh right, you need children, a partner and add yours to the list here and calling it a day. As long as you still have your wants and needs, you will never be happy.
A happy person will say that they have enough. The game is already won for them. No goals are needed, there is nothing else to gain. Well by golly, didn't I just described perfection? If there is no such thing as being perfect then happiness can never be achieved.
Happiness then might not even be real. It might just be a concept that messes us up. We are looking for something that doesn't exist after all.
So to combat this, I stopped looking for my happiness but just embrace what I have as enough. Lower expectation and say my happiness is having enough, one which is more than a person who has nothing or less than enough.
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I'm on my Fon so bare with me.
Happiness is like eating at a buffet bar. You could eat the whole thing and tell yourself that there is nothing else for you to eat so the game is over and you are satisfied or being happy.
However, the world that I lived in, no one eats the whole buffet bar. We eat enough and be satisfied and we are happy that we ate enough.
Same thing with life. What is our perception that will make us satisfied? A house all payed off, no bills, a retirement check, what more do you need? Oh right, you need children, a partner and add yours to the list here and calling it a day. As long as you still have your wants and needs, you will never be happy.
A happy person will say that they have enough. The game is already won for them. No goals are needed, there is nothing else to gain. Well by golly, didn't I just described perfection? If there is no such thing as being perfect then happiness can never be achieved.
Happiness then might not even be real. It might just be a concept that messes us up. We are looking for something that doesn't exist after all.
So to combat this, I stopped looking for my happiness but just embrace what I have as enough. Lower expectation and say my happiness is having enough, one which is more than a person who has nothing or less than enough.
Oh come on, don't say happiness might not be real. Think of a time you can't stop smiling, feel like dancing, walking on cloud... pinched yourself to make sure you aren't dreaming.... That's real...so real that you were probably crying tears of joy. Your original post. Your mind is already set on not marrying a hmong man to give yourself a chance at happiness. You can't find what you've already left behind. Maybe it's not finding happiness through others, but finding happiness within yourself. When you stop searching, you will find it. It will have been right where you left it.
People always ask me, "What it is that I look for in a person to love." I say, "Nothing". I Look for nothing so that I may give everything a chance. If I only seek what I know to make me happy, I will surely miss out on the one thing that will. Because at the end of the day, what is it that we truly know. If we truly do know, we will come to understand that we know very little. And if we know very little, then it'd be dumb to bank on what it is that we know to guide us to happiness.
My mind hasn’t set yet. For now, it’s just a thought or slow realization but I hope that time and life will tell me otherwise – still hopeful and working on that. When I stop believing I may have to take your advice and find happiness within myself. However, life is so much more beautiful when shared. Human beings we’re not meant to be alone and God did not intend that way. But, seriously, I don’t think I can live the same life twice in one lifetime. I’m also advocating for people to stay together –the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Sometimes worse and or more likely the same.
About that “nothing” requirement – even before you start the journey, there must be “something” about a person to inspire you to take a step. I don’t believe you grab a person w/ your eyes closed and the same goes for loving a person.
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Oh come on, don't say happiness might not be real. Think of a time you can't stop smiling, feel like dancing, walking on cloud... pinched yourself to make sure you aren't dreaming.... That's real...so real that you were probably crying tears of joy.
My mind hasn’t set yet. For now, it’s just a thought or slow realization but I hope that time and life will tell me otherwise – still hopeful and working on that. When I stop believing I may have to take your advice and find happiness within myself. However, life is so much more beautiful when shared. Human beings we’re not meant to be alone and God did not intend that way. But, seriously, I don’t think I can live the same life twice in one lifetime. I’m also advocating for people to stay together –the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Sometimes worse and or more likely the same.
About that “nothing” requirement – even before you start the journey, there must be “something” about a person to inspire you to take a step. I don’t believe you grab a person w/ your eyes closed and the same goes for loving a person.
If it is real then how come you don't stay happy all the time? After doing something great, you get a sensation that is temporary. If what you did make you happy then how come you are unable to repeat to get the same feeling again?
After awhile, it gets routine and boring. Same event but now it is boring which makes you unhappy.
Happiness is the overall state of mind. When good or bad or neutral, you can feel the same happy feeling all the time then that is the happiness that many long for.
Ever heard the line, if it isn't for me, let it be for others. Now to get there, one has to reach enlightenment and to me that is where the true happiness can be found.
I win, I'm happy. I lose, I'm happy for you. Happy all the time.
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The mind is not always sound and the eyes deceives us into believing what is often not. I once thought I knew and often sought with the eyes, it is human nature to do so. But when I finally didn't, that was when I understood what happiness truly consists of.
Would you believe me if I said, I found Love right here? Well it's true, I Love someone right from here, not knowing, not seeing... Just did.
I have this saying, "God didn't create one special person just for us, He created everyone special. If we listen to anyone's life, we come to see that it's our life they're living. We all want the same, believe it or not. But we can't see it because it's their life and we can't possibly believe that we are like everyone else. Besides, we're suppose to be unique. But we are all traveling on the same hwy of life. If we spend enough time with someone and we give it every chance to be happy with that person, we will have it.
Happiness isn't just about the goods. It is the bad that makes us appreciate the good. Good is just a word without bad. Happiness is just a word without sadness. It is the sadness in life that gives happiness meaning. When we try to run away from sadness to find happiness, we go searching for something that doesn't exist.
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If it is real then how come you don't stay happy all the time? After doing something great, you get a sensation that is temporary. If what you did make you happy then how come you are unable to repeat to get the same feeling again?
Happiness is the overall state of mind. When good or bad or neutral, you can feel the same happy feeling all the time then that is the happiness that many long for.
Ever heard the line, if it isn't for me, let it be for others. Now to get there, one has to reach enlightenment and to me that is where the true happiness can be found.
I win, I'm happy. I lose, I'm happy for you. Happy all the time.
Of course, a happy event will stay happy forever. At the moment the event taking place, your state of happiness is at it's highest but eventually down the road, when you think about it, still bring you happiness.... Think of a happy thought many years ago... still get butterfly in your stomache now right? See.....The mind is not always sound and the eyes deceives us into believing what is often not. I once thought I knew and often sought with the eyes, it is human nature to do so. But when I finally didn't, that was when I understood what happiness truly consists of.
Would you believe me if I said, I found Love right here? Well it's true, I Love someone right from here, not knowing, not seeing... Just did.
I have this saying, "God didn't create one special person just for us, He created everyone special. If we listen to anyone's life, we come to see that it's our life they're living. We all want the same, believe it or not. But we can't see it because it's their life and we can't possibly believe that we are like everyone else. Besides, we're suppose to be unique. But we are all traveling on the same hwy of life. If we spend enough time with someone and we give it every chance to be happy with that person, we will have it.
Happiness isn't just about the goods. It is the bad that makes us appreciate the good. Good is just a word without bad. Happiness is just a word without sadness. It is the sadness in life that gives happiness meaning. When we try to run away from sadness to find happiness, we go searching for something that doesn't exist.
Since the eye and mind are unreliable, what do you rely on? J/W. And how long did that love you found lasted? J/W…
Since God created everyone special and not just one special person for someone, do you believe in “finding your rib?”
Human beings we are want to be happy and loved, that’s a fact. It’s also a fact we each have a unique way to achieve them. Some selfishly (only think of me, myself, and I), some depends on our values, cultures, traditions, upbringing, etc.. (back to my original post).
Happiness and gratitude are very similar. Happiness is that feeling your heart, mind, soul, can’t stop smiling, floating, that blissful feelings you just don’t ever want it to end, that “I’m empower to do anything” feeling, etc… Gratitude is a feeling of “thankfulness”…
When bad experiences happened, gratitude take over rather than happiness, in my opinion. Ex: heartbreaks – it’s a sad experience but “gratitude” for going through the experience so a person know what that’s like. Another, loving someone (one sided love/ir-reciprocal love) – gratitude for the experience – that phrase “it’s better to love than never to have love at all) a perfect example of gratitude.
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From observation, if the women/man remarries and find themselves in the similar situation as their 1st marriage, most of the time it's them...not who they married.
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Hmong elders like to say: first breakage, it's a mistake; second breakage, you are the mistake.
From observation, if the women/man remarries and find themselves in the similar situation as their 1st marriage, most of the time it's them...not who they married.
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Hmong elders like to say: first breakage, it's a mistake; second breakage, you are the mistake.
What is the saying for the third or fourth for some?
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Same thing as for the second: that you are the mistake.
What is the saying for the third or fourth for some?
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Same thing as for the second: that you are the mistake.
I agree with the saying.
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Me, too. But the funny thing is many people still try to prove others are the mistake. So, they keep marrying one after another for nth number of times.
I agree with the saying.
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From observation, if the women/man remarries and find themselves in the similar situation as their 1st marriage, most of the time it's them...not who they married.
From observation, if you marry a hmong person chances of being in the same marriage is greater because I look around me and hmong marriages are very similar across the board, especially in my generation. The person may change but the cultures, traditions, and values - these changes real slow.
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It’s not because of the Hmong men or Women. The OG needs to chill. Ain’t no damn women gonna wake up at 4am cooking rice or killing a chicken for you. That expectation is too high. And a Hmong man has to be a doctor, lawyer. Education is not for everyone. They just need to let the kids live their lives.
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Enlightening read. Thanks for all the inputs. It was very intriguing.