The Secret Life of a Hmong-American Woman

[Rebel]

Love in the time of the corona virus pandemic... wouldn't it be a crazy story to talk about? Its been so crazy in my town lately, many stores are running out of rice, toilet papers, face masks and hand sanitizers. I look around my own home and I haven't stocked up anything yet. I feel like an apocalypse is brewing and I'll be the only one left unprepared... I can just see it... Me, scavenging for crap to survive... and well you know the rest..

A friend of mine is dying at the hospital but I've been so paranoid to go see her. According to the hospital's website, there's a patient with the virus there and who'd wanna risk going there? There's been rumors of people getting it without leaving the country, so who knows how they got it..,but I'm not sure I should believe everything I hear. There's also a few first responders who had to self quarantined bc the patient were tested positive for covid-19...And I mean, that virus is making its way here... do you know how close that is to where I live? VERY close to home.

Stay safe friends and wash your hands!

[Rebel]

We haven't seen each other for over two weeks. Several dates were set up but for some reason our schedule keeps getting in the way...I was either busy or he was... so like, duck this shit! Lol

1:20 am, my phone lit up. Wtf!

"How's your day going?" "Or shall I say, how was ur day?"

I hesitated.

"My day was great..what are u doing up at this time? " how are you?"

"Oh my God Reb, I just just got home. I was working with an Asian client... He was so nice...he had a son...we ate these foods and... I could not stop thinking of you..."

"So nice to hear from you... sounds like you had a good day"

"I had a good day so nice to hear from you too,  you know the phone works two ways.."

"I know... your just busy all the time lol"

"I'm busy but I make time for you, will always remind u that?"

"Yeah...the last thing I want to do is annoy the shit out of u about my day lol"

Lollollollo I'm not annoyed by you at all"

"Well have a good night...hopefu lly we get to hang out soon"

"Ok"

Our relationship will flatline and then he comes back to shock the shit out of it, pumping adrenaline back into my soul. He congratulated me and wanted to celebrate one of my biggest accomplishment ...I am proud of myself, I came a long way. And I can't be stopped.

[Rebel]

Drunken Porch Conversations

"...you said I can date whoever I wanted, did you mean it? **Or what was it that you were trying to say?" I finally remember to confront him about it before the alcohol took over lol

"What I mean is, that I can't stop you from dating other people... you're an adult...if you want to I can't force you to not do it.... you should get that shit out of your system. Just don't be bringing no corona virus or AIDS back to me...bc I'm not seeing anyone else but you....  I've been around the world, I've ducked a lot of girls, I've done a lot of  shit. You haven't. You need to, if you want...it's only fair...so whenever we decide to be 100 percent committed, you're not going to be creeping around behind my back wishing you would of done all this shit when you had the chance. Theres no going back from that...I think it's gross though... but I'm willing to compromise, if that's what you want...besides you got hours in between that's unaccounted for"

"What?! WTF do you mean? That is gross. You know where I am, just bc I'm not calling or texting you all hours of the day doesn't mean I'm banging someone else. You must be dating someone else for you to be telling me this shit!" I said to him, feeling a little pissed off.

"There's no one, I don't have time to date anyone. And I'm not lying...there's been no one but you... Did you want to be exclusive? We CAN be exclusive... I never know what you ducking want woman!"

(I changed the subject.)

"I think I love you.... " I accidentally blurted out lol

I looked away, wishing I could shove the words back in my mouth, but too late. I laughed it off...the alcohol was getting to me... When I said "I love you,"I meant it in a way that I was loving it that hes telling me that I can have my cake and eat it too...and he was ok, even secure enough to say something like that to me, even though I probably won't do it.

"What's the point of telling me that you love me, then withholding yourself? Look. Look at me.., you can't say that and then ruin the moment.." he said

He tried to wrapped his arms around me. He wanted to kiss me, but I pushed his arms away.

"I'm not ready for this shit"

(I changed the subject again.)

"I have a wedding tomorrow but I'm not going.."

"You could of told me, I would of went with you, I have a nice suit in my closet..yeah, we could stay out there for a couple days...."
------—-------------

Sometimes I feel like he's testing me...he'll say one thing but mean another to see what I'm gonna do about it. I notice him saying a lot of things like that to me. He is sexy and confident, extremely charming and the center of all the parties. He loves when we go out to places together bc he love the attention we get.


After we meet up like this, I pull back for days... I don't know how to be needy, I think most guys are dogs..and he's one too.. I can't be chasing men, I get my fill, I'm satisfied and I bounce. I'm done... and I go off into my own world...unboth ered by others so I can focus on myself. I wanna be selfish, unapologetic, and fearlessly working on myself and chasing my dreams...disco vering who I am as a person and I never want a man to be my source of happiness. But I notice patterns and I wanna talk about it... do u notice them?

[lilly]

------—-------------

Sometimes I feel like he's testing me...he'll say one thing but mean another to see what I'm gonna do about it. I notice him saying a lot of things like that to me. He is sexy and confident, extremely charming and the center of all the parties. He loves when we go out to places together bc he love the attention we get.


After we meet up like this, I pull back for days... I don't know how to be needy, I think most guys are dogs... I can't be chasing men, I get my fill, I'm satisfied and I bounce. I'm done... and I go off into my own world...unboth ered by others so I can focus on myself. I wanna be selfish, unapologetic, and fearlessly working on myself and chasing my dreams...disco vering who I am as a person and I never want a man to be my source of happiness. But I notice patterns and I wanna talk about it... do u notice them?

I think there is attraction between you and him.  You have something he likes and he has something you like.  You're both feeling each other out.  Both still a little hesitant to be all in, but there is something there between you two.  I think the best way to go about it is to just go all in exclusively with each other.   

There is a saying that no one can make you happy but yourself.  Very true.  Happiness is often a conscious choice we make, it is a state of mind we choose to be in.  80% of the time (just pulling numbers out of thin air), I feel that happiness is an internal choice.  But 20% of the time, though, it is unintentional: people and our surroundings can affect our state of mind and our level of happiness without us knowing.  I think we humans are social beings and whether we like it or not, we need people.  People enhance our overall experiences. And "certain people" can elevate our happiness level to a level that we can't easily achieve on our own.  Loneliness is a real thing and it can affect people's happiness.  That's why I think people should be paired up with someone that can fill their loneliness and enhance their level of happiness and joy.  It's finding that right person that is the challenge for single people.  Some people are very fortunate to have found their person.  Other people are still waiting for their person.  I hope you find your person soon.   

[Rebel]

It's no doubt we r attracted to each other.  He makes me happy and we enjoy each other's company but somehow I have some intense fears... patterns and issues that I'm beginning to notice about myself lol maybe because I'm still dealing with my divorce n just kinda got out of it. So I may need time but not sure how much time is needed until I can feel like I'm whole and ready lol I do agree that happiness is a state of mind. I wouldn't want to spend my life alone and I know I want to find someone who is compatible with me and share the same kind of value in life. I feel he could be the one but I'm scared to trust myself.

I think there is attraction between you and him.  You have something he likes and he has something you like.  You're both feeling each other out.  Both still a little hesitant to be all in, but there is something there between you two.  I think the best way to go about it is to just go all in exclusively with each other.   

There is a saying that no one can make you happy but yourself.  Very true.  Happiness is often a conscious choice we make, it is a state of mind we choose to be in.  80% of the time (just pulling numbers out of thin air), I feel that happiness is an internal choice.  But 20% of the time, though, it is unintentional: people and our surroundings can affect our state of mind and our level of happiness without us knowing.  I think we humans are social beings and whether we like it or not, we need people.  People enhance our overall experiences. And "certain people" can elevate our happiness level to a level that we can't easily achieve on our own.  Loneliness is a real thing and it can affect people's happiness.  That's why I think people should be paired up with someone that can fill their loneliness and enhance their level of happiness and joy.  It's finding that right person that is the challenge for single people.  Some people are very fortunate to have found their person.  Other people are still waiting for their person.  I hope you find your person soon.   

[Rebel]

Now that we're in a pandemic the ex have been contacting me more than usual... he spent the entire last weekend scouting out supplies and food at every store he can get to. Calling every so often and asking if I needed anything.... actually he's always wants to be a kind of hero...He'll be the first person that would run toward a burning building...nev er away, no matter how scary the situation is. He was naturally made for it...

"No, just hand sanitizers, if u can find any.."

"I bet you miss me now, huh? If worst comes to worst, I'll be at your house.. protect yourself, don't travel much...take some cash out.., listen to me, there will be a definite shut down...stay away from everyone...  take care and call me if you need anything..."

He bought over
Bags of potatoes
Water
Frozen pizzas lol
Gatorade
Junk foods

I told him I'm willing to give him rice for some of the things he got me... but he left without answering me.
-----
When we were together. We used to watch apocalyptic movies, talked about the end of days and how we would prep and prepare ourselves for times like this. We would talk about places we would go to, shelters we would built and how we would survive. It was what he love doing.... he was a survivalist junkie and I would go along with it to show him that I was interested in things that he liked.  I believe one of the last movie we watched together was "contagion" he joked about it the other day, bc we alway had something to talk about it afterward.

"What if an outbreak like that happen? What would we do?"

And he would break down scenarios.. fill our backpacks with things that he stocked and collected.

Last night he called to check in again.

"I will always be there for you. You're taken care of so don't worry about anything... Don't you think it's funny how we always talk about this stuff and now it's happening?"

"Yeah...., but why was I not prepared?!"

[DuMa]

Don't mind me if I can chime in a few words in regards to your situation and if it doesn't impress you then at least allow me to make lily laugh her azz off.   

So we have you still on the verge of a divorce and and ex still lingers around.  You got this other guy who comes and goes like a ghost in the wind or whenever he feels like to get together for another session of touchy feelings. 

If he doesn't know about your ex situation, here is my take on it.

Exclusive is actually friend's with benefits.  I don't need to make emotional love with you but here I am, in 2 weeks for another make out session.  The habit you are talking about is just that.  Blah blah blah, you can date other people if you want but when we are together in two weeks or whenever I have the time, I will get MINE. 

If he knows about you and your ex situation and he continues on this bi polar run of seeing you from time to time, it is only because he's shady himself.  Baggers don't have a choice so even if you are still working it with your ex, so do I.  I have lots of skeletons in my closet which makes your ex lingering situation seems just like a child's play. 

If the both of you guys have baggage then everything cancels out.  Like if lily meet a guy who has a few kids himself and they can still date but with the brandy bunch music on the background.   

[Rebel]

I have issues that Im seeing, patterns and habits etc.  Yes, it seems like that. My ex lingers but if you know the story between us, u would know why.  I have a pretty active dating life.... he is not the only one.... and sex is not the agenda to this whole thing. You'd be surprise how long I've been without it lol These people are in and out of my life, I'm in and out of theirs. I have these same fears when I was a teenagers.. And every adult relationship after that seems to be the same...Did something in my past caused me to be this way? I don't know. All I know is that I want to be able to get into a loving and fulfilling relationship.. . But I'm not able to, even when it seems like I am...

Yes, were almost like a couple, sometimes he refers me as his girlfriend when people ask. Being exclusive only means that we won't see anyone else...and start allowing each other in each other's life, instead of lingering around the unknown and uncertainty of the relationship. But that's where I feel stuck in...I can't push it past a point, if u know what I mean.

My ex and I are done for good. We try to remain friends and if this pandemic didn't happened, he would still be the biggest ****

Don't mind me if I can chime in a few words in regards to your situation and if it doesn't impress you then at least allow me to make lily laugh her azz off.   

So we have you still on the verge of a divorce and and ex still lingers around.  You got this other guy who comes and goes like a ghost in the wind or whenever he feels like to get together for another session of touchy feelings. 

If he doesn't know about your ex situation, here is my take on it.

Exclusive is actually friend's with benefits.  I don't need to make emotional love with you but here I am, in 2 weeks for another make out session.  The habit you are talking about is just that.  Blah blah blah, you can date other people if you want but when we are together in two weeks or whenever I have the time, I will get MINE. 

If he knows about you and your ex situation and he continues on this bi polar run of seeing you from time to time, it is only because he's shady himself.  Baggers don't have a choice so even if you are still working it with your ex, so do I.  I have lots of skeletons in my closet which makes your ex lingering situation seems just like a child's play. 

If the both of you guys have baggage then everything cancels out.  Like if lily meet a guy who has a few kids himself and they can still date but with the brandy bunch music on the background.   

[Rebel]

... deleted lol I had to delete this post bc her stories is all over social media... would like to stay anonymous here lmao

[Rebel]

"If your not too busy...what r you doing tonight? Come be quarantined with me..." he texted me.

"Would love to maybe once this ban is lifted, if your still around n we haven't forgotten bout each other lol"

"Haha"

There was no way I was going out there to see him...I don't know if he's taking this pandemic seriously. Maybe he is but pretending like he's doesn't care.
I haven't told him yet that I know someone who died of the virus.
-----
I was actually at his house last Friday when I got the news...so in the middle of the night I tried to sneak out while he was still sleeping. I got up, got dressed and was "trying" to leave... made it to the front door but knocked out on the couch while searching for my keys and the darn light switch lol so he dragged me back to bed where I didn't get up until 8 a.m.

The text I received: " ohmygod, ****** got  corona virus, she can't breathe and is dying...pick up call pls"

Yes, my friend died three days later.
-----
Late Friday:
"What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing"

"Good. I'm gonna get back at u when I get off work...get your ass out the house to night"

"Wth, duck no! Not tonight...not for a while"

"I'm waiting for you, just got home...jumping in shower now"

"Too late to meet up...haven't u watched the news? We have to stay indoor... and I'm socially distancing for now, I'll see u in two weeks "

"Your a grown ass woman, there's no traffic, You'll get here in 30 mins or less"

"I don't feel like driving tonight"

"Come over stop being funny...better get yourself in the car and get here, quit playing games... I'll see you in a bit lol"

I get there at his place and he opened the door with a freakin *painters mask on, armed with a bottle of hand sanitizer... he pumped a handful, almost a quarter half of the bottle  of sanitizers into my hands and I slather them all over my entire arms and hands.... then we made sure either one of us was sick.

"Been quarantine for almost a week now... haven't been around anyone" I said to him.
"Yea, been working but I've been extra careful" he said to me.

He fixed me a drink and we talked about the apocalypse and how it was so darn hard to just find anything at the store. He wanted a piece of steak for dinner and went to several stores but couldn't find any so he end up buying several bottles of vodka bc he was so pissed there was nothing to eat and no restaurants were opened.

"This pandemic really shows how greedy people are" he said to me
"Yeah, it's been a while and I finally got myself a pack of huggies 24 wipes... I feel bad so I only bought myself one pack lol"
"I hope you know how to use a gun"
"I don't..."
"Well I'm gonna have to give you one of my knives...and show you how to use it"

It was risky but I thought it was kind of romantic to get to spend some time together, though I don't recommend anyone doing it. We walked to the liquor store, around the blocks to granny's house, and spent much of our time on the porch where we like to talk about life.

"I like you bc you're the black sheep of the family... glad we got to know eachother before the apocalypse hit..." he said to me with a smile before reaching over to give me a kiss.

When I was leaving...
"Rebel, I'm going to call you" 
I was halfway down the steps of the front porch but turned back n paused to look at him...I thought it was weird for him to say that to me.
"Yea, sure call me"
"You should call me too!" He said, sternly.
" I will"
"Ok drive safe"

[Rebel]

This lock down is really getting to me. I almost went live on Hmong Kitchen earlier to make my quarantine canned fish dish...but I'm feeling a little under the weather lately lol

I'm mad that people still wanna hang out during a time like this. Please stay the hell away...and stay home!

Phone's been on silent and I don't want to be bothered for the rest of the night.

[Rebel]

He wanted to hang out Thursday,  but I said no... Friday again and I came up with a dumb excuse.I want to be left alone, plus I'm a little scare to even go out too much. Then he called..., "rebel, I'm willing to come pick you up, just let me know. I didn't realized how fast this week had gone by...its Friday again and I just really miss you"
"Fine, I'll come out...but only for a little bit"
"Ok I'm heading home soon... I'll get home by 7, so I'll see you then...?"
"Ok... I'll be there"
"I can't wait to see you"
"Me too"
-----
When I got there he greeted me with a kiss at the door. He already went to the kitchen to fix me a drink. I set my bag down and sanitized my hands. Billie Eilish was playing in the background. He usually have all the lights in the house on, so he went through the house and shut most of them off bc he knows I don't like the entire house lit. We sat down at the dining table...

"Can you imagine how dating is going to be like from now on? Everyone will have to meet digitally over the internet and then meet up in protective gear.."

"I think it's insane but I hope life can all go back to normal soon... I miss going out and doing things"

"The last time i went out to eat at a restaurant was with you few week ago..now everything's closed"

"At least we were able to do some stuff together before all this happened and have memories.."

He stared at me as I took a sip of my drink...
I have feelings for you... he said.
I want you to do what you like, I don't want to control you bc I know how it feels to be in a controlling relationship.. ."

"I like it that you don't care about what I do" I said sarcastically. I wasn't entirely honest...
"I have commitment issues...i have a hard time with serious relationships. ..if I'm not in a exclusive relationship I don't see the point in texting and calling someone all the time bc I'll just become too attached...whi ch I know don't make sense.."

"I know what you mean...but Rebel, theres a difference between committing to someone and wanting and willing to commit..." he said

"Yes if I was the right person I wont have a problem with it..."

"That's what I mean""

We took a night stroll around the neighborhood.
And had many more conversations. .. 
------
I set my alarm at 5, when it went off he took my phone flung it across the room...thankfu lly it didn't break!
"We're gonna sleep in today!"
-----
The sun was bright when I woke... I quickly got ready and woke him up to let him know I was leaving.
"Call me" as I was heading out the door. (why is he always saying this to me? I mean couldn't he say something else?)
"No...You have fun and call me when you can"
"I won't be doing nothing this weekend"
"Neither am I"
I turned to walk out and he held me and gave me a kiss... I told him last night that every time I leave, i never know if that will be our last time...and that's the truth, we're at the point where things can fall either way and we've been stuck there for a while...and you can't stay in one spot forever...

[Rebel]

Things are going down slowly around here... few places got looted...some truck load of felons were dropped off...homeless camp sprouts out of the ground, from nowhere... unfamiliar faces in the night. Crime, especially theft went up... Racisms slowly creeping on the outskirts of town... And sadly my friend haven't had her funeral service yet, probably never will with the way things are going.

So, I finally went to my doctor today. My cough worsened over a week now.  I avoided going but I knew I have no other choice...I've already went through two bottles of mucinex and still feeling like crap... He asked me a series of questions... like, have you've been out of the state? Any fevers? I had none, just this intense ticklish itch in my throats that makes me cough like crazy,that went away but came back.

After my doctor visit, I stopped by the store to see if they have toilet papers...there were none. So I grabbed four rolls of paper towels. I got in line behind a Hispanic woman who had an armful of items. She set her items on the conveyor  belt and began to take her money out to count...The white guy in front of her, who was already done with his purchased flipped his shit and started screaming at her to back the duck off and came toward her.... she backed a little and was  preparing to fight the guy... then OUT OF FREAKING NOWHERE, that mother ducker took a knife out and I was literally standing 12 feet away from them both. Was I supposed to panic? I don't felt shit...my cough was annoying me lol I knew if i opened my mouth I was going to start coughing behind my face shield... I can feel that ticklish feeling sitting in the back of my throat. I was trying so hard not to cough, that I was actually sweating a little... He looked at me, I'm Asian. He was in a bad mood and so was I...I didn't need this extra delay bc I needed to coughed and if I open my mouth, I would of coughed so hard and everyone in that store would of ran for their lives...Thankf ully, I didn't and a few good guys came out and rushed the guy out...

I want a gun.

[Rebel]

"Remember a few months ago I was so sick...I thought I was going to die?"

"Yeah, I didn't see you for a while"

"... for almost three weeks...even though it took me nearly 6 weeks to fully recover...now that I think about it I know that whatever I got, I'm 100 percent sure it was the corona virus....but you see, we didn't know about the virus at the time.... I though it was just the flu and now I think about it and I feel bad I probably gave it to you..."

"I didn't get sick hanging out with you though, just recently my allergies been acting up... and I also thought  it was the virus too but glad it's not... just paranoid"

"Maybe some people is immune to it bc I wasn't fully well when I called you up to go hang out and we went out a lot. I even told you that Ive been sweating a lot... I think the virus doesn't get some people like how it get others... you know Darwin's natural selection..."

---

I think we drink way too much sometimes... but he always like to say that life is too short, just have fun. So we have fun. We blast the music, we drink till we're drunk and we talk and the world stops spinning for a while when we're together. All the noise and chaos around just seems to vanish and we just enjoy the moment.

He showed me his garden... lmao I didn't  know how this ass knows how to plants shit
or that he's a good cooks.... and I'm a sucker for that!

----

"I'll need you to come help me clean up the house... as a matter of fact I need you to come here every chance you're free...maybe this weekend you can stop by and help me paint the rest of the rooms..."

"K call me"
----
Every time we meet up it still feels like the first time... sometimes I wonder if this stage were in will come to a halt... I don't know what tomorrow will be like or what will become of things...whate ver it is, I want it to happen organically...

[Rebel]

He made me a wonderful dinner last night and bought me the cutest gift. I went there with a gift for him too, which we both thought was weird...so we did a gift exchange. The universe keeps pulling us together...yet somehow we're fighting against it like pulling magnets apart... yeah right lol
 
I casually asked him in the morning before I was taking off about the phone convo the night before and I know this ass (lmao) he's TOO friendly, TOO social and a freaking flirt and I know he's not telling me the whole truth! Apparently some stupid woman (client) was drunk and crying and he stayed (overnight?) to console her. The reason for dinner and a gift? A guilty conscience! And oh all that freaking undeserved affections I got lol 

"Happy Easter...Im definitely going to call you to come over on my free day so we can blah blah blah blah.....have fun and drive safe" he said while trying to smother me in kisses.

"Go duck yourself!" I whispered under my breath, hoping he'd hear it as I hurried to my car.

By the time he understood what was said and caught up to me I was in my car, locked the doors and had the music blasting...

I pretend I didn't see him...

Whats f up was he wanted to hang out that day but I was busy so he ended working overtime... and ended up lending a freaking shoulder to some stranger woman...lol

I could overreact but I was nonreactive at this point. Maybe I finally matured? I guess I don't have enough in me to care... or maybe bc the truth is, I had no right to be mad about it.