Ramblings #2 & Reflections

[TG]

Wow. It’s been soo long…

It’s one of those moments…
The anxious ones,
Unsteady,
Feet, back and forth,
Unable to sit still.

 
Moments of clarity and confusion,
Of fear and hesitation,
Of knowing and peace,
The depth of who you are,
Values and principles…
Is the courage there?

Funny, how life happens in a whirlwind and not at all. In the scheme of time, the day to day blurs, and moments flash by. You can find yourself lost, but the core of who you are is always there. The self-sabotaging ends, until it appears again…

Decisions, decisions, decisions…

Two steps forward and a step back? Is traction really gained?

There are too many words to describe 2020.

[TG]

I don’t enjoy assessing CPs. I’m glad she understood why and will not appeal. Appeals are never fun.

It’s my office day tomorrow. As much as I enjoy working from home, I’m ready to return to the before COVID. I actually have to put on ‘real’ clothes tomorrow. LOL. And ‘real’ shoes. 

[TG]

Day Three

Dear You:

I’m so sorry. It hurts, no matter, who ended it. I really did love you. All of my thirties thus far were with you. I really wanted you to be it.

I just didn’t want to be sad anymore.

I didn’t want you to be someone you couldn’t be.

Irrational as it is, I hate you a little for it. Maybe you didn’t love me enough to try. Maybe you didn’t love me as much as you claimed. Maybe you loved me as much as you could.

Someone asked, “how are you?” and my eyes swelled.

I drove to the store without you and the tears fell.

Do you know, I cried in the shower so no one would hear?

Do you know, I stare at my phone, wishing for you to call, and praying you wouldn’t?

[TG]

Day Four

Dear You:

I faked a smile through all my meetings today. Except, the joy didn’t reach my dark eyes.

I rationalized the bad and glorified the good. How human.

The heartbreak is real.

I want to erase all traces of you. I want to burn all your things: the gifts, your shirt that I sleep in, that letter you wrote made of magazine cutouts from Valentine’s Day years ago, and mail the ashes to you.

Why didn’t you love me to change? Why couldn’t I love you enough to change? Who was the selfish one?

Do you know…when will the memories dim?

[TG]

Day Five

Dear You:

The what ifs, should I, shouldn’t I, consume me.

Failure is a slap in the face. Fear is a terrifying companion. Facts become fruitless.

Do you know, I still haven’t told the people we know? The truth dies inside me. 

[king james]

don't be so sad when I'm here to make you happy

[TG]

Day Six

Dear You:

That feeling: restricting, clenching, and oh so so painful. I hate us. I question, how much of it was worth it?

I get up, dress, and go through the motions of every day numbed. It’s the nights that haunt me. The stillness and silence of being alone. Darkness.

Do you know, I can’t bring myself to regret it.

[TG]

It’s amazing how precious time is the older you get. This is my first holiday as part of the management team and I am so grateful to the people who believed in me. The transition has been smooth and I continue to learn and grow everyday with the opportunity. The risk was worth it. The fears hasn’t materialized.

With the exception of a few people, I’m done with Christmas shopping. Staff members – checked. Parents – checked. Siblings – checked. Nieces and nephew – checked. Stocking stuffers – checked.

The sadness is dissipating. I’m slowly finding joy in the season.

My baby niece is such a cutie. I braided my hair yesterday and that was the first thing she noticed. “I like your braid Auntie __,” she said. “And I like your clothes.” She’s a sweetie. It’s been super cold this week and I was in a long coat, boots, and black outfit.

My baby sister – I’ll always think of her as such – is the Queen of Decor in the house. She’s turned the house into a Christmas wonderland.









Being sad is okay…

[TG]

I drew the short end of the stick this year, darn. I haven't worked the day before a holiday in years. This year is different.

The team enjoyed my gift. They also got me something and I'm so appreciative. Good staff is so hard to come by.

I'm ready for the warmth of Christmas, family time, and food.

[Dok_Champa]

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us and may the year bring you blessings.