The Not so private Diary of JonniJacco

[JonniJacko]

A Hmong father's sad love story:

I was 17-18-ish. Just got my driver's license. My old man asked me to drive him south to Fresno, CA to see his first wife's younger sister. I was like uhhh say what? why? but then When my mother was like, yeah your father married someone before he married me, he loves her dearly, but she passed away early. So why would dad want to go see his former sister n law for? You don't get it, it's a Hmong thing back in the days. Your dad was not only very close to his first wife, but to her whole family.  This is her first time visiting the US, so it only makes sense that he goes to show his respect that her sister is still in his heart. But Mother, you're okay with all this? Just take him.

we got to Fresno, it was more like the outskirts where they did a lot of farming. We got to the place, and first thing my father and his former sister n law did was greeted each other and my father has one of his hand on her shoulder, while she has one of her arms on his shoulder. Not sure if that was a Hmong thing back then, or if its just how the elders "hug" someone after many years. My pap is probably one of the strongest person I know mentally. But that was the first time I ever saw him with watery eyes.

after about 3 hours of them catching up, my father was ready to say goodbye to his former sister n law. On the drive back, my father told me the time he was madly in love with someone. I didn't asked much for details, just that his first wife passes away shortly after they marry. Years later, I brought up the subject again, this time with my mother. She said, my father not only lost his first wife that day, but what would had been his first child as well.

That was the only time I ever shed a tear or two as a grown man...lols

well, I think what made that day I took my pap down to see his former sister n law even more emotional, was now I realize, thinking back, they both knew, it may be the last time they see each other. Hmong customary, former brother n law and former sister n law shouldn't keep in touch..lols not only that, the pain and memory is too much to bear.

[JonniJacko]

I was probably 23-24 at the time. It was probably 8 in the morning on a Saturday. I walked up to the casino entrance and the security guard asked for my I.D. I gave it to him and he gave me a double look as he look at the I.D. He makes a bold claim "I know this isn't you, you look 16. I only had 50 bucks on me to test my luck and I could of just turned around and left but I insisted, it really is me and I really am 22. or 23. He radio someone, I suppose someone high rank in the casino. He comes out, work a suit and had shades on. He looks at my I.D, hand it back to me, and told me I'm welcome to go inside. I went inside, put my 50 bucks in a random slot machine, and within 2 minutes I walked out. lols. Only I thought I should take the other exit out so I don't run into the security guard who didn't want me to go inside in the first place. Only to bump into him on my way out. I guess after the incident with me, he was moved to the other entrance. we kind of look at each other, me trying or hoping to give him the impression I wasn't mad or anything although I felt like he took it I was annoyed. while he was giving me the impression he was just doing his job while probably thinks I hate his guts now.

early on my disastrous gambling career, I thought of this incident quite often. I said to myself many times, maybe that security guard only meant well, didn't want me to get into debt, struggling with gambling addiction and what not. Admittedly that was years later when I really dug myself into a deep hole..haha

Anyway, I studied the games, I looked for loopholes, weaknesses, strong patterns and consistencies. And I mean I literally studied, trial and error every second that I was free. They all tell me the same thing, it's all luck, it's all random. What these people don't know is, even in randomness and luck, there are traits, patterns and probabilities. Old wise man once told me "there's a trick to everything" and it stuck with me eversince. Subconsicouly I knew there has to be tricks and tips. And folks, i tell people all the time, if you want to be a consistent winning gambler, it's going to take 10-20 years of serious studying, resiliency, and maybe years of getting into debt before you figure it out. haha Nobody is going to give out what they know freely. I've been offer in the 6 digit amount before to teach and coach. I decline it all. Said it's nothing personal but what I had to go through to be able to "better my chances" too sentimental to me..haha

disclaimer: this article is for pure entertainment- do not take any words seriously in the article. or vlog rather..lols.. .I do not encourage, support, or influence gambling. I've seen and been in the worst cases scenarios due to bad gambling choices. In then end of the road, I'm just as wealthy and or poor like everyone else who works to survive.

[JonniJacko]

I walked out of the grocery store, and the car next to me is actually the same color,make, model as my "other" car. I was like hmm, did I drive car 1 or car 2...haha I should of taken a picture of it and show it to the wife and accused her of stalking me...lols

[JonniJacko]

the wife was getting hit on. I walked out of the restroom and the guy immediately said, I apologize but I just couldnt help notice how beautiful your wife is. I was caught off guard, first time this happened. So I said something like, yeah thank, sorry but Im sure you'd no problem finding someone special some day...

i later told the wife, what if he knew, what if he saw us from a distance...and when he saw you're alone, he took on the opportunity..s ome guys dont give a fuke if a woman is single or not..lols the wife agrees with me...and I said, there's a reason why I Love you..we think alike when it really matters..haha. ..can't say some of my past love would agree with me..probably call me jealous and insecure...lol s

[JonniJacko]

For a long while I refuse to give up being a nice guy. Even when people who geniunely tell me to stop being so nice and kind. I refuse to let go of the principles and morals I was brought up on. I really felt I can singlehandedly changed the world and uhh save humanity. I couldn't understand why people have to be so mean and rude. Why couldn't people just be cool and compassionate. And the only time people seem so is when someone dies or tragedy strikes.The truth is, in this crazy world- you won't survive if you don't have a certain mindset and how you carry yourself. haha It certainly is to anyone's benefit to be a crusty dirty grimed filled ass crack 90% of the time and only be nice 10% of the time. hahaha In such a chaotic world, you can't trust anyone, and anyone who you call a friend, you have to understand they can turn on you at any given moment. I know, I didn't want to believe or to have such a negative perception either. It was way too harsh and extreme for me to accept at first. But it is the reality. Maybe some are fortunate to never experience the uglies of life, they were too sheltered, privilege, and everything is taken care of for them since day 1. Sure, there are many good people out there. But they too, are looking out for themselves and loved ones.  They too can't let their guards down, because they know it doesn't pay to be nice and compassionate, in fact it often backfires with how ungrateful and cruel humans can be. Being assertive, confrontationa l, rude, and mean is a necessity to make it through this ugly cruel cold harsh world. It can and it will save your life when or if you ever find yourself in a life or death situation. But by all means, the smart thing is to avoid or prevent shit from escalating. Lay low, act normal, don't attract attention and always be ready to defend and protect yourself and loved ones. When they're mean, and you're mean, it's like nobody is gonna wanna start WWIII. Some might test the waters, push some of your buttons, but if you make it loud and clear you too have nukes..haha their tone will change really quick...haha

Forget what your grandmother, mother and teachers tell you. They meant well and maybe what work during their early years of life doesn't work in today's society. You gotta understand, this isn't a perfect world we live in, there's always gonna be evil doers and bad guys. There always has been since history can be remember.  Don't be a nice guy and don't be a gentleman. This doesn't mean you can't be a good person either. Those who really see your worth will see the good in you, and those who gets it, will understand why majority people have to resort to being a jackass. Cops, and your Boss is probably a jackass, but it is their job to be, it is a defense mechanism, nothing personal, not really. You will not survive in this crazy place filled with demon infested souls walking among us if you don't get with the system...And now I understand why, it's always the mean dirty ass cracks that win in this crazy shithole place..This is a big reason why mental illness is rampant. Specifically depression. What was engrained in their minds has been a lie all along. Every once in a while you will have a good day, a bless day, and life is great..But there will always be a bad day waiting. The best thing to do is knowing how to handle those type of days, how to avoid if possible, and deal if you get caught up in some type of atlercation. You will lose everytime, if you're too nice. And that is what I mean by, you don't want to be known or perceived as nice. Agian, this doesn't mean you're a bad person. But you rather someone think of you as a crusty dirty ass crack than a nice person. It can save your life and it has save many lives.

[JonniJacko]

i'm not very open minded with todays music, but i randomly put on my radio for the first time in maybe since early thisyear and this song came on..and I'm like this song is actually really really catchy.

Truth is, as nice and charismatic as some people think I am- me and the wife are no different from most couples. there are good and bad times..sometim es its really good, and sometimes we're not sure if we'll ever talk to each other again...lols


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVVvJjwzl6c

[JonniJacko]

We both decided to hit a local casino this morning trying to beat the afternoon rush knowing it's going to be flooded with patrons today. 10 a.m and it felt like a busy afternoon at this casino already..lols We both just dabble around random slots, 20 bucks in each machine, mid range bets, it was either go big or go home cus we both don't like big crowds and didn't want to stay longer than we both had hoped for..but we decided to mid low roll..haha low bankroll, bet mid range. works sometimes. of course its still just all random..but we got lucky several times doing this..she won 200 while I won 60 bucks. lols and we dipped..we stopped to gas up and we both fought who should pay for gas..I mean this in a positive light, we both wanted to pay for the gas..lols So I ended up paying of course with the 60 bucks I won. she gives me 60 bucks as I got back..I was like stop being cringy..if you dont want it just give it a homeless person..lols

we got home, i took a nap..and woke up from a weird dream....I told the wife: in my dream we were both still going at it on who should pay for gas...I said, you kept apologizing, and I kept saying it's okay, it's really okay...and it felt like we both were fighting to be the good guy...like we were both fighting to see who is more nice and more compassionate. .lols we both laughed out loud and she said she's making dinner for us tonight..I was like for reals? and she said yeah for reals, and leftovers will be for our lunch tomorrow for work if I wanted...lols I joke, would be nice if you wake up to make me breakfast tomorrow and fixed me a lunch for work tomorrow since I paid for your gas...lols she said don't ruin a perfectyly normal good day now..lols but I wouldn't be surprise if she does wake up early tomorrow to make me breakfast and fix me a sandwich or something for lunch..haha she just don't like to be asked to do it..she only does it when she feels like it or she is probably expecting a big favor in return...lols j/k

to us, I think we both are over our prime..lols so what seems like a fun day to us, is probably lame and boring to younger, more energetic couples..

but great start to the new year. Happy 2024 folks. This year is going to fly too, so make the most of your time together, be it with your significant other, children, or families and friends....

[JonniJacko]

Wife once asked me to write a  poem of my life story in a nutshell...and it went something like this....

I don't know, this road drawns me in
It's dark, it's cold, and it's lonely
I don't know, but I'm walking on it
I want to turn around, cuz Im scared as shit
But a voice tells me, it's the only road

Many times I find myself in the brink
Of giving it all up, I can't think
But I'm reminded each time
of the feint light I see in a distance
I asked what was my crime
I'm on a road, nobody wants to be on
I'm the only soul, flesh and blood
This voice reminds me once more
Believe in myself, never give up, keep striving
the river will look friendly at night
and the oceans small,
The trees will protect you, and ever living soul
will be your friend, nothing but love and joy
is what awaits your arrival at the light

I'm not poetic, so oh wells..she loved it anyway..or at least she said so..lols

but yeah, i think there's two type of lives...those who had a good life early on but for it to dwindle down later down the road...and those who was a lost soul early on, but once they found themselves- its nothing by sunshine and skittles...or whatever however that saying goes..lols

stay humble, dont take anyone or anything good for granted, and remember that cold dark lonely road...and that if you believe in yourself, and know you have a good soul, that- that voice will keep its promise....

[JonniJacko]

I went to visit my parents to check in on them and they had some visitors...My mother introduce me to them, "this is our middle son" and the "nyiam tais" said "ohhhh yom, koj tus tub no muaj ib tsaus zoo li mev os yom?"

In my mind I was cracking up...because a lot of spanish speaking folks do mistake me for Hispanic or Latino sometimes, or they'll say "you kind of look like a mixture of Asian and Hispanic" or sometimes i get you look like them Flips with heavy Spanish facial traits...lols

that nyiam tais went on and say "peb Hmoob yeej ib txwm muaj ib cos muaj ib tsaus zoo like meka ib cos zoo li mev, feem ntaus cov zoo zoo nkauj zoo nraug xwb"...

haha I'm like heck yeah, I'll take the compliment..lo ls (honestly though, I look Asian/Hmong without my cap. With my cap on, I guess I become somewhat mexican..lols and I'm one of those folks who often wears a cap even in 100 degree weather..

oh don't tell my partner, but I remember back in middle school, I do remember a Hmong girl, very pretty..and you would thing she's latina or a mixture until she speaks fluent Hmong or the teacher calls her first and last name during roll call and she answers "here"..haha she probably never noticed me..i was probably just another average Joe Hmong boy back then..haha and she probably had both mexican and Hmong dudes chasing her..lols

[JonniJacko]

Our neighbor has their front light flickering as we pulled into the driveway..It was a creepy sight. I said "now I know why I don't use fluoracent lightbulbs inside and around the house..I couldn't really figure out why it gives me somewhat of a uneasy feeling until now..haha She goes, I have no preference but we could be saving on electricity if we use fluoracent lighting. I said its not worth losing our sanity once they start to flicker..lols maybe its just me..but when I think about fluoracent lighting it reminds me of the time I went inside a hospital restroom late at night and the light started to flicker..I turned around and saw a silhouette and it slowly faded away. I said, okay Uncle, so long. I went back to the waiting area, and my sister said, Uncle pass.. I said, I know..haha j/k well I kind of knew..My uncle really loved me and saw me like a son..

It was later revealed to me that my uncle who I always thought was my blood, biological uncle and my father are actually half brothers only..I was like no wonder My father looks like JFK, and my uncle looks like Lincoln...so technically I have some blood half cousins then..lols we look nothing alike..but my first cousins, or relatives rather from my mother's side, people say we resemble each other a lot..I guess.haha

[JonniJacko]

I don't know what it is, maybe we have a love where we fall more and more in love everyday...I remembered we used to hate each other..lols..w ell okay more like disliked...I guess I never knew what love really feels like until now...to get a grown ass man like myself feel like a 16 year old boy so in love with his first g-f ever, only this time I don't worry about you leaving, someone comes and steal you away, and I'm not constantly thinking what to say, or do to keep you happy, like buy you a gift every week..lols...I can just be myself and know that you truly do love me............ .

she smiled and cried a little. And we hugged each other and talk through the night and I said to her, I will be back to my normal schedule of working, irregular long hours...she accused me of being snarky and said so I've been so good to her because I knew she would not be happy with my long hours of working 6-7 days a week even...lols and so yeah..I assure her I will make sure I check in on her every couple hours..she jokingly said, it better be every hour dude...lols... ahhh, love my job, love her...but this might be my last year with my current employer...hah a

so yeah folks, I'm happy, but at the same time, I know I should be spending a lot more time with her..we're already kind of halfway through life, and time is only going to go by even faster from here on out..haha

[JonniJacko]

be not wary of the silent man's stillness, but be wary of what he see and feel that the oblivious cannot. -sir Jacko

 

[JonniJacko]

a stranger who claimed he just got release from jail asked me if they can use my phone to call someone. before I said, sure, they said you can just dial the number hold it and put it on loud speaker...I took out my flip phone and said what's the number? I dialed the number, put it on speaker, and he said "dude, where the fuke r you, I've been waiting for 45 fuking minutes".

I could of just given him my flip phone and he can dial and call..but I thought it be funny, and some people who walked by tried to hold in their laughter...som e blatantly laughed and some chuckled away.. I just like to entertain myself when Im in a good mood..that's all..lols I'm sure that guy busted out laughing once he got in his ride..I knew he wanted to laugh but at the same time making sure his ride gets to him and see's him was way more important..hah a

[JonniJacko]

we were sitting together for our break. And the gossip started rolling. One co-worker asked me if I know this person. I said yeah I do, he's pretty cool. And he was like yeah I heard he just got fire, alot of people were complaining about his abrasive nature.I was like what? Another co-worker chipped he always been an "punkass" even before he became a supervisor. I then said, oh for reals, I actually wrote him a shout out to the higher ups, saying he was top notch and recommended him for future considerations to move up even higher.

the look on both their faces, eyes widen and then we all laughed. so yeah..Maybe he's nice to certain people, and I was one of them..but I know when I see a good person..they don't always appear to be one though, that's the tricky part due to whatever demons they may be battling, inside and outside of work....haha

[JonniJacko]

Break room, emptied and clean
One half full Soda bottle stands alone
I think I know who's it belong to

Out the door, to the floor
The forklifts neatly parked
I don't remember, this place, this quiet

I now know why, I got a vision, a voice
It told me, back to your roots,
Your time here is almost done

Continue on my day, Hoping nobody will ask
How's it going, everything okay?
as much as some days
were hated, this place became a part of me

I will start missing now, so when I go
hopefully I will miss less...