PebHmong Discussion Forum
Relationship => General Relationship => Topic started by: Believe_N_Me on April 01, 2024, 03:21:33 AM
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In this thread I'll be posting up videos and comments about DA and FA. This doesn't cover people who tend to be more avoidant and refrain from having relationships. This thread is about avoidants who ARE in relationships and their behaviors that put their partners in a lot of mental and emotional anguish.
IMHO, learning about this attachment disorder, avoidants are just as horrible as narcissists and both have a lot of similar traits. While not all avoidants are narcissists, the majority of narcissists do have avoidant attachment style. Neither are worth being in a relationship with, if I'm to be frank about it. Hopefully, understanding that this is actually a personality disorder (I view it as an incurable disease) will help those who have been hurt by this kind of partner to move on.
Again, just wanted to make it clear that this is not about people who prefer to be single and may be guarded - as many of us can have walls up. This is about people who do want a relationship, actually initiate one and get into one, and their avoidant behaviors that hurt their partner.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W2DBA3Ws8E (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W2DBA3Ws8E)
Avoidants also have a habit of ghosting their partner. Ghosting is cutting off all communication whilst in a relationship, particularly at at moment when the relationship has gone to the next level and there was no sign of distress.
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"You Might Be Dating an Avoidant if..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0wTcYdeh6c&list=PLTi6COY1KUltvVzi4Q2aUA8rnGn2wTjyP&index=3 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0wTcYdeh6c&list=PLTi6COY1KUltvVzi4Q2aUA8rnGn2wTjyP&index=3)
If you think all it takes is love and patience for a relationship to work with an avoidant, you'll end up alone and will have wasted your time. Furthermore, the avoidant will have no remorse or regret after a breakup. In fact, the breakup will give the avoidant a lot of relief because avoidants fear intimacy and vulnerability. Most likely, the avoidant will feel it was justified to discard an ex even for reasons that contradicts why they were with the person in the first place.
After the breakup, it will take at least 2-6 months for the avoidant to feel lonely and depressed, but this comes from a selfish place. They aren't missing you. They are struggling with their own loneliness. Avoidants hate being alone and have a strong desire to feel loved, but they also fear getting too close. Avoidants are notorious for ghosting their partner.
It's a repeated cycle. The avoidant may agree to get back together, usually because their partner reaches out (the avoidant rarely reaches out and if they do it will be in a very indirect way "hitting like, sending a meme, etc."). They agree in order to distract them from feeling lonely. But as soon as things seem great, bam! They will ghost again.
Avoidants are more likely to cheat as well. This is a form of self-sabotage. If they aren't already pushing away their partner, they do this in hopes that their partner will call it quits. Then they don't actually have to verbally break up with their partner.
Sometimes, avoidants will intentionally pick a partner whom they don't see a future with. There is no fear of developing strong feelings.
Avoidants typically have relationships that are filled with highs and lows, and a lot of drama. This kind of stimulation makes the connection feel tangible.
Avoidants don't do well with a healthy and secure partner. They view the calmness as something wrong with the relationship. They need the drama despite claiming that they want peace. They most likely ghost secure partners but will remain committed to avoidant/anxious partners. However, by commitment, we mean on and off.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wbTBMsUcu0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wbTBMsUcu0)
Avoidants commit to people whom they don't like as much or care about, but can give them basic supply. This ensures that the avoidant can never feel hurt while still getting some needs met.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M39DWMsLq6g&t=2354s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M39DWMsLq6g&t=2354s)
After the lovebombing stage, which avoidants are great at doing, they stop chasing and will not fight for the relationship once it fizzles out.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6OYXT12ZWo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6OYXT12ZWo)
Avoidants like to act like they're in a relationship without calling it one. Avoidants have a strong desire to be in a relationship but fear rejection and abandonment. That is why they will love bomb and act like a boyfriend/girlfriend in the early stages when they aren't emotionally attached to the other person. However, once they fear the person is getting too close, they will pull away and take things more casually.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8H5uw5WakY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8H5uw5WakY)
Situationships and boundaries: why avoidants want to act like a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife but not put a label on it or actually commit.
They want to breadcrumb you to have access to you, but keep you at arm's length. They fear you walking away and finding someone who will commit to you.
It is easier for an avoidant to do this to someone with an attachment disorder. Secure attachment style will walk away. This explains why avoidants have tumultuous relationships because only those with an attachment disorder continue to engage in this toxic behavior.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fPrQlXKAro (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fPrQlXKAro)
Avoidants feel pressure when they're with a healthy partner who loves them because they fear:
1. the healthy person will see their flaws and leave
2. they cannot match the healthy person's energy and therefore, the healthy person will leave
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How people are misled into a relationship with an avoidant:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m29ptoc2w30&t=350s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m29ptoc2w30&t=350s)
Avoidants come off as a very attractive partner in the beginning, especially since they have mastered love bombing the other person. They appear very confident, emotionally available, secure, and above all else, they generally take actions and behave like a committed partner. The other person doesn't realize that this is just a defense mechanism the avoidant uses to distract themselves from low self-esteem. Avoidants are always looking for highs and stimulation because they don't feel good about themselves.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m29ptoc2w30&t=350s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m29ptoc2w30&t=350s)
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Avoidants remain friends with their exes because they've created trauma bonds in which their exes are secretly hoping they'll get back together. Furthermore, avoidants keep their exes around for supply because access is easier despite not wanting a full blown relationship. Plus, their ex has enabled the behavior for so long that the avoidant doesn't feel judged.
This point made in the video is so true and spot on again.
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Why does the avoidant's ex take them back?
Honestly, I believe they are looking for validation. There are two scenarios in which the avoidant discards the relationship: 1) when things are going amazing, or 2) after the avoidant has devalued and created a lot of insecurity in their partner. When the relationship ends, avoidants almost always act like there was never a relationship in the first place or that it wasn't as serious as their partner believed it to be. Therefore, when the avoidant comes back for a second, third, fourth, etc. chance, the partner feels validated. They feel like maybe they weren't delusional and that the avoidant really did care about them.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxCNQBEAz00&list=PLTi6COY1KUltvVzi4Q2aUA8rnGn2wTjyP&index=5&t=620s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxCNQBEAz00&list=PLTi6COY1KUltvVzi4Q2aUA8rnGn2wTjyP&index=5&t=620s)
Key take away:
"I will be in a relationship with you as long as you don't have any expectations of me."
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Avoidants can be great people but not for a romantic relationship is what I pick up from these videos.
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Seeking revenge on an avoidant ex will only justify their reason for discarding you. Avoidants don't generally miss the ex or regret ending the connection. However, they will miss what they got out of the connection.
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"What if feels like to break up with an avoidant" https://www.google.com/search?q=breaking+up+with+an+avoidant&rlz=1C1RXQR_enUS1055US1055&oq=breaking+up+with+an+avoidant&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOdIBCDMwMjlqMGo0qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 (https://www.google.com/search?q=breaking+up+with+an+avoidant&rlz=1C1RXQR_enUS1055US1055&oq=breaking+up+with+an+avoidant&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOdIBCDMwMjlqMGo0qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)
Great article if you can sign up.
Key takeaways:
- Breaking up with an avoidant will be the most traumatic experience of all your breakups.
- Avoidants use manipulation to control who gets to do the breaking up.
Although breaking up with a narcissist is traumatic, there is actually a sense of relief when the relationship ends because most narcissistic just aren't good people and you're probably already on your way out anyways. On the contrary, breaking up with an avoidant fuels more questions and will send you into therapy. So why is this?
Because avoidants tend to end the relationship when it's at it's greatest moments. Perhaps you both have just agreed to take it to the next level when boom, they ghost you the very next day. In some cases, and I consider this a blessing, the avoidant will have already started pulling away, triggering a lot of arguments and dissatisfactio n. It will still hurt because you don't understand why they started sabotaging the relationship, but at least when it ends you'll know that things weren't going good. It hurts the most when they blindside you out of nowhere.
Avoidants feel crushed when they are being rejected so they will prolong the inevitable if they sense that you might break up with them. They want to be in the driver seat of being the dumper. Therefore, they will string you along until they can pull the rug from under you.
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How to recover from a breakup with an avoidant and why it's different from other breakups:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GmPQEVJ9dY&t=10s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GmPQEVJ9dY&t=10s)
What people don't understand is that a breakup with an avoidant doesn't happen after a period of distress. The breakup is abrupt and typically happens when things are going seemingly well. One thing to keep in mind is that the avoidant rarely comes back or will reach out. They also don't feel remorse or guilt. Moving on and finding healing is the best way to go about it.
Should an avoidant ex come back, it is highly recommended not to give it a second chance. They will only discard again and this time it will be quicker and more injurious.
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Learning about avoidant attachment made me realize just how toxic these people are. They have a way of entering your life and making an impact that you will never forget. Then when you're on that high, they crush you out of nowhere. One thing the therapists don't talk about is if you realize that your partner is an avoidant and you're looking to break up, should you just verbally dump them on the spot while pointing out why you're calling it quits?
Knowing how avoidants are deathly fearful of rejection, this would crush them. >:D
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipvI8gD9NkI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipvI8gD9NkI)
Yep. It will happen. Avoidants feel the grief months and years later. Truth. I suspected that a friend was going through this. This friend of mine is a severe avoidant.
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If this sounds like what happened to you, then you were most likely dealing with a dismissive avoidant:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tH0YT3OKls (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tH0YT3OKls)
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Yep, this is what happens when things end with a severe avoidant. This is why you should question someone if they have a trail of crazy exes who experienced mental breakdowns.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okGcmlj0Jog (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okGcmlj0Jog)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXlGQnotihA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXlGQnotihA)
After a breakup, don't be shocked if the avoidant partner jumps into a new relationship or even a marriage, despite moving away from you because the relationship was getting too close. That is the hallmark characteristic of an avoidant. They crave for love and intimacy, but fear it and will push it away as soon as they get it.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkT4qyf2Fdc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkT4qyf2Fdc)
If only all the exes would join forces.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5GSLmgLroE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5GSLmgLroE)
Avoidants cannot build a healthy relationship because they don't choose to stay with a healthy partner.
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Trying to have a secure relationship with an avoidant who sees everything as manipulation and control:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twkHph4ptWY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twkHph4ptWY)
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Being with an avoidant partner incites a lot of magical thinking that compels the non-avoidant partner to seek out shamans, tarot readers, etc. for solace:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud_z-Br7o7A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud_z-Br7o7A)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9cJ4SdeO9A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9cJ4SdeO9A)
At some point, instead of asking if the avoidant ex ever loved you, you should accept that they have an incurable illness that would've been a burden to you. Do you really want to waste time with someone who has a mental disorder?
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What is an Avoidant Partner? A partner who is exhibiting severe avoidant attachment pattern behavior.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjH1TpnmI70 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjH1TpnmI70)
1. May have had overly controlling parents
2. Came from extremely and controlling romantic relationships
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See post about friends with benefits situationship.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvxaucjM2S4&list=PLTi6COY1KUltvVzi4Q2aUA8rnGn2wTjyP&index=15&t=202s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvxaucjM2S4&list=PLTi6COY1KUltvVzi4Q2aUA8rnGn2wTjyP&index=15&t=202s)
"When an Avoidant Needs Space"
It usually means that they're growing too emotionally attached to the healthy partner and needs to detach because it is triggering their fear of abandonment. Once there is enough distance and the avoidant feels safe again, it is unlikely that they will return to a healthy ex. The avoidant feels guilty and shame for discarding a healthy partner. The avoidant also believes that the healthy ex won't take them back.
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If they are a narcissist with avoidant attachment style, the stories they tell you about how they tried so hard to make things work with a so-called toxic ex is called triangulation. This is a manipulative tactic to get you self-doubting yourself so that you will be compelled try harder in hopes of getting that same effort from them. The narcissistic avoidant has you competing with an ex. This is all done to feed his ego.
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The narc avoidant tends to have a lot of drama in other areas of their lives.
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Narcissists tend to have avoidant attachment disorder. It's like the two go hand in hand:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLfJeNCir9Y&list=PLTi6COY1KUltvVzi4Q2aUA8rnGn2wTjyP&index=16 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLfJeNCir9Y&list=PLTi6COY1KUltvVzi4Q2aUA8rnGn2wTjyP&index=16)