PebHmong Discussion Forum
General Category => Hmong Culture & History => Wedding Rituals & Customs => Topic started by: chloe on September 24, 2010, 03:15:47 PM
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Someone please explain or elaborate on what the custom would be for a single guy who want to marry a divorced woman with kids. What does he have to do and how does it differ from marrying a single lady.
Thanks
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Someone please explain or elaborate on what the custom would be for a single guy who want to marry a divorced woman with kids. What does he have to do and how does it differ from marrying a single lady.
Thanks
only two ways that i see different from a single woman with no kids never married before and a divorced woman with kids or no kids
1)never married w/o kid=take her home with you and let the parents know about it later or ask for her hand at her parents house(nqis tsev hais)
2)divorced woman w/o kids or w/ kids=just ask for her hand at her parents house(nqis tsev hais)..and do a little get together of both sides of the family to let them know that you and him/her is officially married traditionally.
now don't be stupid and take number 2 home like number 1 because you'll be charge with a number 1 price (nkauj nyab tshiab)...
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now don't be stupid and take number 2 home like number 1 because you'll be charge with a number 1 price (nkauj nyab tshiab)...
;D Yep! Like my Dad said, "Coj le nkauj nyab ces sau le nkauj nyab xwb"!
Okay, so then would it be rude to have a western wedding? Some elders think she's not worth it. Also I've heard of where parents still collect a smaller bride head price. Does this depend on the parents or is this normally unheard of?
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if you want to do a western wedding then don't do a hmong wedding.....it's either one or the other...becaus e too much drama..
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;D Yep! Like my Dad said, "Coj le nkauj nyab ces sau le nkauj nyab xwb"!
Okay, so then would it be rude to have a western wedding? Some elders think she's not worth it. Also I've heard of where parents still collect a smaller bride head price. Does this depend on the parents or is this normally unheard of?
Thats not nice. Every body deserve to have a beautiful wedding.
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Thats not nice. Every body deserve to have a beautiful wedding.
In a perfect world "yes" I would like to think that too but others differ. :(
if you want to do a western wedding then don't do a hmong wedding.....it's either one or the other...becaus e too much drama..
If you don't do a hmong wedding, you're pretty much screwed too. How would you incorporate both into one and still keep the cost down as well as the drama?
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In a perfect world "yes" I would like to think that too but others differ. :(
If you don't do a hmong wedding, you're pretty much screwed too. How would you incorporate both into one and still keep the cost down as well as the drama?
how are you going to be screwed if you don't do a hmong wedding?
do a hmong wedding so your parents will get the bridal price of you?
or do a american wedding for you to make you happy? you choose..can't have both..well to me i'm not going to have both ...it's either one or the other..
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In a perfect world "yes" I would like to think that too but others differ. :(
If you don't do a hmong wedding, you're pretty much screwed too. How would you incorporate both into one and still keep the cost down as well as the drama?
Its up to you to make your world prefect.
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When in Rome, do as Romans do. Hmong people have a saying just like that too bad I can't write in Hmong for my life.
and yet some race respect that when they married hmong women or hmong men..they do it the hmong way too
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paying for the bride price varies from one family to another. Some families still requires a bride dowry as much as 2.5k ( half price from the 5k) however some parents usually only require if you kill a pig and throw a feast to honor the wedding and she's given away for free. At times the new groom has to pay the ex in law their dowry and not her parents.
There's nothing wrong in having a 2nd wedding for the bride cause it's the groom's first wedding. Now if you've been married more than 2 x there's NO POINT in weddings! ::)
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only two ways that i see different from a single woman with no kids never married before and a divorced woman with kids or no kids
1)never married w/o kid=take her home with you and let the parents know about it later or ask for her hand at her parents house(nqis tsev hais)
2)divorced woman w/o kids or w/ kids=just ask for her hand at her parents house(nqis tsev hais)..and do a little get together of both sides of the family to let them know that you and him/her is officially married traditionally.
now don't be stupid and take number 2 home like number 1 because you'll be charge with a number 1 price (nkauj nyab tshiab)...
I agree. If they both elope her parents will charge him the full bride price!
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only two ways that i see different from a single woman with no kids never married before and a divorced woman with kids or no kids
1)never married w/o kid=take her home with you and let the parents know about it later or ask for her hand at her parents house(nqis tsev hais)
2)divorced woman w/o kids or w/ kids=just ask for her hand at her parents house(nqis tsev hais)..and do a little get together of both sides of the family to let them know that you and him/her is officially married traditionally.
now don't be stupid and take number 2 home like number 1 because you'll be charge with a number 1 price (nkauj nyab tshiab)...
My BIL made this mistake.
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Someone please explain or elaborate on what the custom would be for a single guy who want to marry a divorced woman with kids. What does he have to do and how does it differ from marrying a single lady.
Thanks
For what i know, he only pays half price, that's the difference. for the rest im not sure.
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(Sorry ladies, don't take it the wrong way if I'm a bit too harsh. I'm just stating what I've seen so far in my life).
I'm kinda new in these pages so bear with me LOL.
I think it depends on what happen in her last divorced, and why it happen, honesty I seen some divorced lady that caused the break up in their life. Because she fell in love with another dude and went too far in the process. Far as to have sex with him. when that happens she no longer loves her family and throws it all away for that one guy. And in the end she regrets it But it's too late. But then again I seen a lot of divorced women that can do 10x better than some of these 1st time wife. Don't get me wrong but some of these ladies that are born in the USA sort of lost their ways of culture, meaning that they no longer fear the OG's and the families. They call the police and judge their OG's and families. The way of Hmong divorce is in the wife's parents house, and in the way of the others it's the courthouse. Give or take I've seen it both ways too.
So truth be heard, one thing that I hold dearly in my belief is this, even thou she has kids, don't love her for your self but love her kids too. if you only love her for her body and not her kids then I suggest that you don't marry her. but date her only. And that goes for the guys too, lady. It's the kids that suffers the most. So yeah if the lady can help you build your life and be by your side as a lover, wife and a best friend. Than by all mean yeah marry her even thou others will talk behind your back but a good wife will help prove them all wrong.
Sorry if I've spoken too much.
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option 2 Hmong wedding is way shorter....saw it with my own eyes just today
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(Sorry ladies, don't take it the wrong way if I'm a bit too harsh. I'm just stating what I've seen so far in my life).
I'm kinda new in these pages so bear with me LOL.
I think it depends on what happen in her last divorced, and why it happen, honesty I seen some divorced lady that caused the break up in their life. Because she fell in love with another dude and went too far in the process. Far as to have sex with him. when that happens she no longer loves her family and throws it all away for that one guy. And in the end she regrets it But it's too late. But then again I seen a lot of divorced women that can do 10x better than some of these 1st time wife. Don't get me wrong but some of these ladies that are born in the USA sort of lost their ways of culture, meaning that they no longer fear the OG's and the families. They call the police and judge their OG's and families. The way of Hmong divorce is in the wife's parents house, and in the way of the others it's the courthouse. Give or take I've seen it both ways too.
So truth be heard, one thing that I hold dearly in my belief is this, even thou she has kids, don't love her for your self but love her kids too. if you only love her for her body and not her kids then I suggest that you don't marry her. but date her only. And that goes for the guys too, lady. It's the kids that suffers the most. So yeah if the lady can help you build your life and be by your side as a lover, wife and a best friend. Than by all mean yeah marry her even thou others will talk behind your back but a good wife will help prove them all wrong.
Sorry if I've spoken too much.
O0
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(Sorry ladies, don't take it the wrong way if I'm a bit too harsh. I'm just stating what I've seen so far in my life).
I'm kinda new in these pages so bear with me LOL.
I think it depends on what happen in her last divorced, and why it happen, honesty I seen some divorced lady that caused the break up in their life. Because she fell in love with another dude and went too far in the process. Far as to have sex with him. when that happens she no longer loves her family and throws it all away for that one guy. And in the end she regrets it But it's too late. But then again I seen a lot of divorced women that can do 10x better than some of these 1st time wife. Don't get me wrong but some of these ladies that are born in the USA sort of lost their ways of culture, meaning that they no longer fear the OG's and the families. They call the police and judge their OG's and families. The way of Hmong divorce is in the wife's parents house, and in the way of the others it's the courthouse. Give or take I've seen it both ways too.
So truth be heard, one thing that I hold dearly in my belief is this, even thou she has kids, don't love her for your self but love her kids too. if you only love her for her body and not her kids then I suggest that you don't marry her. but date her only. And that goes for the guys too, lady. It's the kids that suffers the most. So yeah if the lady can help you build your life and be by your side as a lover, wife and a best friend. Than by all mean yeah marry her even thou others will talk behind your back but a good wife will help prove them all wrong.
Sorry if I've spoken too much.
VERY TRUE! i've seen this happens too...
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One of the reasons I say this is, 4 out 5 of all my friends, and I don't mean to take sides, but they're divorce. Dew to the fact that their wives were cheating on them while they were at work. And my friends didn't even know that. I sort of knew what was going on but I did want to get in with their lives. So I never told them cuz it was just rumors. But yeah soon the truth came out. All my buddies were the 1st to get marry, I watched as their lives crumble.
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You have to have an elder go and talk to one of her elders and express your interest in her, then they'll let the parents know and set up a date for you to go and ua noj. That's about as much as I know. ;D
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(Sorry ladies, don't take it the wrong way if I'm a bit too harsh. I'm just stating what I've seen so far in my life).
I'm kinda new in these pages so bear with me LOL.
I think it depends on what happen in her last divorced, and why it happen, honesty I seen some divorced lady that caused the break up in their life. Because she fell in love with another dude and went too far in the process. Far as to have sex with him. when that happens she no longer loves her family and throws it all away for that one guy. And in the end she regrets it But it's too late. But then again I seen a lot of divorced women that can do 10x better than some of these 1st time wife. Don't get me wrong but some of these ladies that are born in the USA sort of lost their ways of culture, meaning that they no longer fear the OG's and the families. They call the police and judge their OG's and families. The way of Hmong divorce is in the wife's parents house, and in the way of the others it's the courthouse. Give or take I've seen it both ways too.
So truth be heard, one thing that I hold dearly in my belief is this, even thou she has kids, don't love her for your self but love her kids too. if you only love her for her body and not her kids then I suggest that you don't marry her. but date her only. And that goes for the guys too, lady. It's the kids that suffers the most. So yeah if the lady can help you build your life and be by your side as a lover, wife and a best friend. Than by all mean yeah marry her even thou others will talk behind your back but a good wife will help prove them all wrong.
Sorry if I've spoken too much.
Very well said!
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Someone please explain or elaborate on what the custom would be for a single guy who want to marry a divorced woman with kids. What does he have to do and how does it differ from marrying a single lady.
Thanks
Well if you think you are opt out of paying $$$$ for her... Sad to tell you No.
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O0
I'm a Hmong woman...i have to disagree w/ you. Marrying a Hmong men born here in America is different than in Thailand...fir st thing off our parents never had more than 4-6 kids in Thailand ...for example go ask your parents how many siblings they have. But in America here bc of the welfare...the Olgies has more than 6, more like 12+So the Hmong American girls has to deal with much more drama, cleaning & cooking for 12+...not to mention these days kids of those parents and siblings to our husband don't even want to get marry til late 30 bc they have their mother plus a mother that cleans & cooks for them until age 28-30..so they did stay under the same roof, it's call taking advantage. Back in Thailand all brothers and sisters get married @ an early age (12-14) so they would already have wife or husband to take care of them before the husband's wife get a chance to complain. Us American Hmong women still be taking care of the parents plus our husband, our kids & husband's old aged siblings. Not too mention that everyone can afford a car now of their own... Not like in Thailand you can't..so do you know how many ppl come to visit their mother but under the husband & wife's roof that the parents still lives in. Non-stop in & out that door. This is why we Hmong girls in America are like what you say above. Things had changed here in America for us hmong american girls to also charged. So don't blame us Hmong girls that we can't suit you Hmong boys here in America... In reality we Hmong girls get any Asian to marry us & as for you Hmong men you marry a non hmong chick and she will do less than what we do for you & your family. Bc she knows less Hmong tradition than us. So don't take us for granted! We are cooker, cleaner, breeder, traditioned in a lot of ways too, & now we are helping you work outside of the home as much as you Hmong men ....the only difference is now, we hold most education degree.
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MayLeej,
I wish most hmong ladies can do what you are saying. It's true that back home/ Thailand there are non-stop visits. And that young hmong ladies are taught to become a woman, While here (USA) most if not all hmong ladies will not fear the OG's. B-C of the women's rite. Now what I'm saying is
Without fear for our elders we young ppl are lost. Lost in a time of ameeka world, thuos losing our culture. And taking on the ameeka ways.
I know a lot of other ladies that can't even cook a meal, Why is that? B-C she does not want to learn. Therefore will not know how to cook. And when she is ask to do a task she can't do it. So what does that mean to a guy like us to look at?
Pretty and handsome will not last forever. But the skills that one learns from is what counts inside. Hot ladies will one day be fat and ugly same as guys.
If you are into the looks then don't marry him/her. That is why we have a high divorced rate among the young hmong ameeks ppl here...
Back home you are stuck to the one you are marry to. One most depand on the other for gradens food. water..
Here, heck we have Cub food/ Micke dees. BK etc. No worrys.
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When in Rome, do as Romans do. Hmong people have a saying just like that too bad I can't write in Hmong for my life.
Ruam tiag tiag, ;D . But fyi, the Hmong saying is not quite as exact as that of the Roman's - in translation and meaning. As a matter of fact, I am guessing you are implying the Hmong verbage, "Ib rab teb ib yam txuj". Thus a more insightful person might argue it is the opposite of the Roman verbage.
You have to have an elder go and talk to one of her elders and express your interest in her, then they'll let the parents know and set up a date for you to go and ua noj. That's about as much as I know. ;D
Ironically, you are precisely "correct" in your observation/comment.
Basically, if one is marrying a "single lady" for the first time then it is the full traditional wedding unless there are circumstances which will vary case by case.
As for a widow, with or without children, but typically this applies more to those with children - the only thing that needs to be done is a dinner (feast=ua noj haus) for the in-laws, letting them know you two are married. Sometimes there are and are not a "bride price" involved - depending on the in-laws, or parents of the widowed lady - in other words, greed versus non-greedy iho. (A widow without children can be considered a "single lady" depending on the circumstances which will vary case by case.)
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You have to ask her parents for her marriage. Once they are OK, think you kill a pig and do a 'hu plig' or calling of the spirit. There's no bride price. It's just a one afternoon event. It's simple.
You can do an American wedding afterward. There's no limitation on how you want to do the American wedding.
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I suggest that you don't marry her. but date her only.
This is wrong. You shouldn't date someone you have no intention of marrying them. You give them false hope. It's cruel.
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;D Yep! Like my Dad said, "Coj le nkauj nyab ces sau le nkauj nyab xwb"!
Okay, so then would it be rude to have a western wedding? Some elders think she's not worth it. Also I've heard of where parents still collect a smaller bride head price. Does this depend on the parents or is this normally unheard of?
you don't have to pay. ANd if you have a white wedding, it's totally up to you. I'd say go for it...if it's your first time and it's what you want then it's up to you.... It's all between you and her. I bet that for the second go round for her, she will do what ever makes the two of you happy. eff everyone else....if they cared about the elders she wouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place. And I don't mean that in a bad way.
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^^ no dis respect but tis is why so many young couple are lost. They all want a white wedding, and no regards to do a culture one for the families.
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Someone please explain or elaborate on what the custom would be for a single guy who want to marry a divorced woman with kids. What does he have to do and how does it differ from marrying a single lady.
Thanks
Talk to your parents first....your parents will get the OGs involved. What ever you do if you love her don't let no one (family or not ) try to persuade or manipulate you to thinking the negative or bad side of her and her baggage. It's you who determine that when you marry her....how you want to respect her and how you both want to love each other. No one should tell you how a wife should act or be like to you or them. If you two can beat their attitudes...yo u are no different than marrying a single lady b/c it is love that conquer all