PebHmong Discussion Forum
General Category => Hmong Culture & History => Wedding Rituals & Customs => Topic started by: HmongKnight on November 30, 2010, 11:56:19 PM
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I don't know about you guys but this hmong culture about giving away their daughter to someone close or related to the family has got to go. Even now days many parents still believe that as long as their daughter is not a married woman she can be givin to anyone even though she has a boyfriend that she has dated for quite some times. If I have a girlfriend who I was dating for a long time and about to get marry to her and her parents end up given her away to one of their close relatives, I will start shooting people with my deer hunting rifle with scope.
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I have not had any. But I understand what you are saying. I can't believe it's still happening.
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LOL @ at the start shooting people with the hunting rifle. The closer ain't always the better either. If my parents made me marry one of our relatives son who I may not like or be attracted to, I'm running off with a pub thawj or nyab laj kiag and forget about Hmong men. ;D But there are some parents who only want their children to marry families who came from the same region as them back in Laos. Thus that is a big reason why many parents, especially moms advise their daughters to ask who his parents are and where his family originated from in Laos when they are dating a guy, to avoid any family feuding/conflicts. My parents are both white speaking dialects and they are Hmoob Xieng/Longcheng. That was a random but true piece of info about me again.
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Yes, actually... Though I think the girl is stupid. O_o
And I keep thinking to myself, "Isn't this America?"
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Nope haven't heard anything since the early 90's.
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This actually happened to me.
We started Jr high at the same time 7th grade, so I finally asked her out around 8th grade. But we were friends since 7th grade but never took it to the next level until 8th grade.
I was dating my GF, then one day she stop coming to school. So I was like W T Hell. And when I call her house her mom would give me some BS, like oh she's not here. And I'll ask where did she go, then her mom would say she at her cousin's house. But been young you don't know WTF's going on. So I don't how, I got the info. Someone knew something but didn't tell me. So I found out that my GF was force to marry this guy.... OH yes I remember cause a couple of week later she came back to school, but she would hide from me and not talk to me. I was like what going on? And when I try to talk to her she would turn her head the other way. But I was too stupid I didn't understand what she was going through. And since she was marry it's the Hmoob BS that she is no longer allowed to talk to any guys. other than her hubby.
That day I saw her new hubby picking her up after school I was so piss I was going to kick his Asian a$$, but all my friends held me back,and it was right outside the school bus were everyone was getting off school. Even the principle was out there too. After that day I never saw my GF. I think her hubby transfer her to a new school. Cause I never got to say good-by to her. Gosh this was about 15+yrs ago. I was around 13-15 yrs old when that happened.
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This actually happened to me.
We started Jr high at the same time 7th grade, so I finally asked her out around 8th grade. But we were friends since 7th grade but never took it to the next level until 8th grade.
I was dating my GF, then one day she stop coming to school. So I was like W T Hell. And when I call her house her mom would give me some BS, like oh she's not here. And I'll ask where did she go, then her mom would say she at her cousin's house. But been young you don't know WTF's going on. So I don't how, I got the info. Someone knew something but didn't tell me. So I found out that my GF was force to marry this guy.... OH yes I remember cause a couple of week later she came back to school, but she would hide from me and not talk to me. I was like what going on? And when I try to talk to her she would turn her head the other way. But I was too stupid I didn't understand what she was going through. And since she was marry it's the Hmoob BS that she is no longer allowed to talk to any guys. other than her hubby.
That day I saw her new hubby picking her up after school I was so piss I was going to kick his Asian a$$, but all my friends held me back,and it was right outside the school bus were everyone was getting off school. Even the principle was out there too. After that day I never saw my GF. I think her hubby transfer her to a new school. Cause I never got to say good-by to her. Gosh this was about 15+yrs ago. I was around 13-15 yrs old when that happened.
Young puppy love huh.
Most if not all guys will have gone through something like this where their gf is fixed up to marry someone else, or she runs off and marries someone else while seeing him too. Even applies to mature, of age people not just teenagers. That's the way it goes in a lot of cases, they'll talk and see more than one person, guys when being bachelors, will more than likely have more than one gf. Girls will not always have more than one bf, but she may still talk and communicate with more than one guy while steadily dating just one guy.
If she marries the man her parents like and chose for her, it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't have a backbone, she just respects her parents wishes. "Neeg hmloog lus." All traditional girls were conditioned to be "txim txiaj" by respecting mom and dad and whatever wrongdoing you make will fall back and reflect back on them.
Even females go through this too, where the guy married someone else and she was just the back-up gf. If a guy I was seeing married another girl, I wouldn't throw a fit. Sure I would be heartbroken and even felt used and will wish him to rot in hell, but I would not implore him to not marry her or fight to keep him. Only naive, neeg ruam tsis paub tu siab would want to steal their lover back when he married another. You'll get the title homewrecker and that's bad. And if he married someone else, I tell myself she was obviously better than me so that was why he chose her instead.
People just need to let it go. You can feel bad if it makes you feel better, but as time and years pass by, they will just be a part of your distant memory.
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Jubi,
You are correct about all the stuff you said. Sorry to say but I can't read Hmong. LOL. I'm so lame.
Even though I was young, I didn't know that it was the culture way. So I acted out of rage, but all my friends held me back. That was the 1st time I've encountered such things. Yeah I know now, how ever it's still stupid though I mean, just because the parents wants you to marry this or that person. Doesn't mean that you'll be happy cause you were sorta force into it.
What I trying to say here is, when I was dating my GF. Her mom talked to me about marrying their daughter cause she was getting out of that age range. Well I told her mom that, when the time comes. Cause I'm not going to just marry her because she getting out of that age. What if we got marry and things don't work out. Than ppl will said that she's been marry once. So if you respect my saying, then you should let us be the way we are, and that I'm not those kind of guys who'll just use your daughter. Just let you guys know that I dated my GF for 5yrs before I married her. LOL. Yeah I have my up's and down just like everyone else LOL.
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This happened more to the 80's generation more than any era, that i witnessed. Long distant relationships was awesome. The thing that sucks the most was when you could fall in love(or crush) with someone your own age, 14, and the next thing you know she is married. Other race have crush on each other at 14-16, we Hmong get married, have kids, and go on welfare.The husband is 3-4 years older than her and jobless. (Man the transferring of welfare money from house to house has got to be embarrassing.) Usually when you see a new girl at Merced High School she just got married and came from Fresno. The couple lives with the parents in a rundown apartment on M Street. lol The late 90's arrived and they are divorced with a few kids. Ten years later when you are out of college and with a job she is divorced with kids. I really like to know how some of these women feel. I wonder if there are many "would have" "should have"?
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This happened more to the 80's generation more than any era, that i witnessed. Long distant relationships was awesome. The thing that sucks the most was when you could fall in love(or crush) with someone your own age, 14, and the next thing you know she is married. Other race have crush on each other at 14-16, we Hmong get married, have kids, and go on welfare.The husband is 3-4 years older than her and jobless. (Man the transferring of welfare money from house to house has got to be embarrassing.) Usually when you see a new girl at Merced High School she just got married and came from Fresno. The couple lives with the parents in a rundown apartment on M Street. lol The late 90's arrived and they are divorced with a few kids. Ten years later when you are out of college and with a job she is divorced with kids. I really like to know how some of these women feel. I wonder if there are many "would have" "should have"?
Some wise men once told me, divorce starts to happen after 2-3kids. A lot of different reasons, but now a days you see a lot of these single moms out at the club.
However with the cost of living going up, i don't mind... just give me $300 worth of food stamps. Dam it, the greenie bills are burning a hole in my pants.. i rather use food stamps for food. Lol. All i ask is 300 lol.
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yes and at the time i was so chim chim heart! to die..but then now DAMN! i'm lucky i wasn't married to her!..thanks to her parents for not letting me marry her..
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When I was a little kid in Sunday school, I remember my Sunday school teacher planning prom with a girl. (She was going to wear a peach colored prom dress.) I don't recall if they were officially dating at the time. Anyways, they became a couple.
A few months later, she was walking down the aisle, getting married to another man from out of state. I remember how heart-broken my Sunday school teacher was.
On the day of the wedding, the girl was crying as her dad walked her down the aisle. My Sunday school teacher, well yeah. I've never seen such a man torn up before. (Yes, he showed up to the wedding.) :'(
She could have ran away, but this was the 80's. I think she's still with the guy. As for my teacher, it was years before he got married. It was a big deal (at the time) because he married a divorcee with a couple of (young) kids.
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Young puppy love huh.
Most if not all guys will have gone through something like this where their gf is fixed up to marry someone else, or she runs off and marries someone else while seeing him too. Even applies to mature, of age people not just teenagers. That's the way it goes in a lot of cases, they'll talk and see more than one person, guys when being bachelors, will more than likely have more than one gf. Girls will not always have more than one bf, but she may still talk and communicate with more than one guy while steadily dating just one guy.
If she marries the man her parents like and chose for her, it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't have a backbone, she just respects her parents wishes. "Neeg hmloog lus." All traditional girls were conditioned to be "txim txiaj" by respecting mom and dad and whatever wrongdoing you make will fall back and reflect back on them.
Even females go through this too, where the guy married someone else and she was just the back-up gf. If a guy I was seeing married another girl, I wouldn't throw a fit. Sure I would be heartbroken and even felt used and will wish him to rot in hell, but I would not implore him to not marry her or fight to keep him. Only naive, neeg ruam tsis paub tu siab would want to steal their lover back when he married another. You'll get the title homewrecker and that's bad. And if he married someone else, I tell myself she was obviously better than me so that was why he chose her instead.
People just need to let it go. You can feel bad if it makes you feel better, but as time and years pass by, they will just be a part of your distant memory.
O0 O0 O0
When I was a little kid in Sunday school, I remember my Sunday school teacher planning prom with a girl. (She was going to wear a peach colored prom dress.) I don't recall if they were officially dating at the time. Anyways, they became a couple.
A few months later, she was walking down the aisle, getting married to another man from out of state. I remember how heart-broken my Sunday school teacher was.
On the day of the wedding, the girl was crying as her dad walked her down the aisle. My Sunday school teacher, well yeah. I've never seen such a man torn up before. (Yes, he showed up to the wedding.) :'(
She could have ran away, but this was the 80's. I think she's still with the guy. As for my teacher, it was years before he got married. It was a big deal (at the time) because he married a divorcee with a couple of (young) kids.
awwwww...how sad... :'( :'( :'(
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Yeah, when I was younger and in me Sophomore year of high school, I was dating this beautiful Yang girl. You know that high school love, where I would carry her books while walking her to class. She would buy me a cookie, only to drop it out the bag when she handed it to me. Anyway, we dated for a year and a half. But because I came from a family that didn't have much wealth, and her mom's brother was wealthy, she had to marry her cousin. At the time, it broke my heart. But now that I am older, and see that she has grown to love him and they have a family together, when I see her, I do feel happy for her.
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I don't know about you guys but this hmong culture about giving away their daughter to someone close or related to the family has got to go. Even now days many parents still believe that as long as their daughter is not a married woman she can be givin to anyone even though she has a boyfriend that she has dated for quite some times. If I have a girlfriend who I was dating for a long time and about to get marry to her and her parents end up given her away to one of their close relatives, I will start shooting people with my deer hunting rifle with scope.
And if your sister goes along with it... She's stupider then she looks.....
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This happened more to the 80's generation more than any era, that i witnessed. Long distant relationships was awesome. The thing that sucks the most was when you could fall in love(or crush) with someone your own age, 14, and the next thing you know she is married. Other race have crush on each other at 14-16, we Hmong get married, have kids, and go on welfare.The husband is 3-4 years older than her and jobless. (Man the transferring of welfare money from house to house has got to be embarrassing.) Usually when you see a new girl at Merced High School she just got married and came from Fresno. The couple lives with the parents in a rundown apartment on M Street. lol The late 90's arrived and they are divorced with a few kids. Ten years later when you are out of college and with a job she is divorced with kids. I really like to know how some of these women feel. I wonder if there are many "would have" "should have"?
That sheit is true since I did grow up on Merced.
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the tradition is outdated, only in laos and during the early years in the states.
this post is irrelevant, if so, name one incident within the last decade. don't hate this culture because you don't know.
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Our culture gotta stop doing tat shyt.... 14-15 N gett'n marry...not in tis age and time...have'n 2kids hard enough...can just bearly make it... Cost of livings too high...price inflation too unreal... Tat's also explain as to why the break up ratio is high and the OGs gett'n tired of our BS... Marry 2day dump 2maro...
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our culture has already stop doing it. it's the young stupid kids that are still praticing cause if they can't marry they over-dose on pills.
..and to think after so many years in the states, the 2nd-3rd generations would have learned to use the law.
stupid hmong kids, not stupid hmong culture.
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our culture has already stop doing it. it's the young stupid kids that are still praticing cause if they can't marry they over-dose on pills.
..and to think after so many years in the states, the 2nd-3rd generations would have learned to use the law.
stupid hmong kids, not stupid hmong culture.
you and i know tat but sum OG support tat 14-15yrs...i know a family tat still does tat... Their last daughter was 15-16yrs and she got marry to some cali dude...i was invited but i refuse to show up... Just cuz i know it was wrong of her to get marry, but her parents was the one calling the shot..
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you and i know tat but sum OG support tat 14-15yrs...i know a family tat still does tat... Their last daughter was 15-16yrs and she got marry to some cali dude...i was invited but i refuse to show up... Just cuz i know it was wrong of her to get marry, but her parents was the one calling the shot..
did they force her to go? likely no. the og support the wedding culture, they don't force marriage any longer. so don't blame the og for following through with culture. blame the stupid kids for believing marriage is the answer to their teen life-crisis.
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did they force her to go? likely no. the og support the wedding culture, they don't force marriage any longer. so don't blame the og for following through with culture. blame the stupid kids for believing marriage is the answer to their teen life-crisis.
In sum wat yes, wat I didn't get was why? why would you get marry at a very tender age...You have not even been lay or enjoy wat life has to offer. 15-16yr of age sees nothing.. never smoke weed in ur life.. anyways I know tis family for a long while now... I guess they themselves were marry at a young age back in Laos.. it's all in the family trees.
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In sum wat yes, wat I didn't get was why? why would you get marry at a very tender age...You have not even been lay or enjoy wat life has to offer. 15-16yr of age sees nothing.. never smoke weed in ur life.. anyways I know tis family for a long while now... I guess they themselves were marry at a young age back in Laos.. it's all in the family trees.
you don't for a fact know the parents forced the marriage, just hearsay. your question, 'why would you get marry at a tender age" is one she should've asked not her parents. her parents did not force, so don't blame the og and their backward culture. blame the stupid hmong american kid who can't answer that question.
get it? the practice of force marriage, underage marriage died in the last decade. do not blame because of ignorance. know your people culture and the adaptive environment, don't go making accusations of how bad your culture is because the problem is you and change starts with YOU.
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Yo hold on a sec.
You know very well tat sum OG still holds tat culture..Not all but a few...and trust me it's how the parents brain wash their kids...a lot of the OG are now seeing the true colors of young age marrying...a lot of my friends and their GF are both move out and living 2gether..her parents wants them to get marry. But as ppl these days don't wanna get marry..Just stay as BF and GF.. Now tell me if 2 ppl don't wanna get marry but wanna be 2geter, why shiuld they wed?..
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yes some og's have the backward mentality called 'saving face'. if your friends are +18 then they call the shot, if -18 then the parents are wrong, all according to u.s. laws. but young couples should not be intimidated by hmong by-laws but at the same time respect u.s. laws, meaning if you're +18 you should not engage with a -18. use your common u.s. sense.
save face, save your parents, save yourself and do us a favor, use your head.
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She was never your girlfriend, okay.
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sum time wen you look at it. tat is why some hmng girls converted to the US lAw and forgetting who they are. in a way its all wrong on both sides. just wait till you are ready.
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Well I wouldn't go as far as to call the culture stupid but I will say that in this day and age it's difficult even for adults to be in a marriage. The way people sustain a livelihood has become highly competitive and sometimes downright harsh. If the culture has to change then change out of necessity, but not due to self-loathing.
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I would take her out one last time and pull an ALLL NITER!!!!!! This should make her reminisce 'bout you for the rest of her life.... FO SHO!!! :D
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Yep. Just happened to me. My whole world just stood still & quiet, I'm crushed. There's nothing else I can do... Other than hurting and agonizing over it. Nothing hurts more than love.:'(
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I will share my story and it will definitely come off like I'm touting my own horn but even I can't believe this happened.
To this day I don't know which guy did this and I am quite curious. My mom told me that after I got married (to someone out of state) one of the suitors continued to call the house. My dad informed him every time that I had gotten married. He didn't accept my dad's word so he continued to call until one time he got into an argument with my dad and was crying. He said that he didn't believe a word my dad said. Then my dad had to tell him, "me tub kuv tsis lam dag koj na. Kuv yog nws txiv, ntseeg kuv hais. Kuv dag rau koj es kuv tau dab tsi na?"
I never saw myself as attractive or desirable but even so, I did have a few suitors (in state and out of state). I can't imagine why any of them would continue to call the house, let alone cry and get into it with my dad. Especially since I didn't think any of them really liked me in that way. Back in the day, guys called you up and nothing much happened outside of that. Not like today where boyfriend and girlfriend act more married than married couples.
Anyways, I told my mom that I didn't believe her but she said it was true because she heard the phone calls. I said that I didn't believe any of them were ever that serious about me in that way because none of them had ever said that they love me or even entertained marrying me. I will say that I had strong connections with some of them in a caring way only (not romantically though), but if a guy doesn't actually tell me that he loves me then how the heck am I suppose to know? I can only think of two guys who may be the one since I had the strongest bond with them. One of them was definitely not a romantic interest but we talked everyday and we did care for each other. The other was actually the first love, but I thought he moved on - hence, why I met someone new and got married. Plus, he wasn't the crying type and definitely not someone who would oppose my dad. But interestingly enough, years later he looked me up, and showed up out of the blue to confront me. According to him, we never broke up and I just got married. Well of course we never broke up because I don't think we were ever really a couple so to speak. Not because I didn't appreciate or like him but he never made it clear to me what I was to him.
So lesson learned. If you love someone then you better tell them and also make your true intentions known. Because maybe they love you, too, and is just waiting for you to make the move.
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I never had it, but I do know someone did go through terrible experience of losing he loves.
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Wow, this is sad if the hmongs are capable of doing this.
I mean, at least give me an ultimatum so that I can go rob a bank for nam yau $5000 first you know? At least give me a fighting chance.
Maybe that is why I only date modern hmong women and they like me because no hmong cultural stuff can rub back at them.