PebHmong Discussion Forum
Relationship => The Single & Dating Scenes => Topic started by: Rebel on June 15, 2020, 07:12:00 PM
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My boyfriend won't accept a break up or break up even if the relationship isn't going anywhere and I'm a little lost at what's going through his mind. He won't tell me...
My relationship with him is not moving forward. I've tried breaking up three/four times but he constantly convince me that we are good and so I stay. But the truth is, it doesn't seem like we're going anywhere... it's hard to ask him anything bc he's like a salesman and always coming up with reasons why our relationship is good. This makes me fear regretting the break up, if I do decide to do it... so I can't 100 percent make myself leave. I don't know if he wants us to work at it and if so how? Or if, he is actually waiting on me to do it, even though I've tried and he's stopped me. Lately he's been ignoring my text messages... or he will text but take a while to reply. We still see each other once a week and things are good when we're together. But I feel emotionally neglected... he always bring up the fact that he liked that I have my own life and doing my own things and not clinging or needy but it doesn't feel like a relationship bc I am needy at times and I need attention too. Is this the kind of relationship that's fixable? Sometimes I feel like he have one foot in and one foot out and honestly him and I throw crumbs at each other from time to time lol something's wrong, can't figure out why I feel this way....is this just all in my head?
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Told you so. Your are doom. It is beyond help. I told you so.
I neglect my text when I have another person to text to. Just ask my hmong friend that has a mistress. He delayed texting his wife but fast to text all of his other women. Yes, he just picked up another one from MN. The salon girl could be his 2nd back up.
The guy wins again. Thank you for free poocee. :2funny:
Let me give you a hint. This is covid season. I don't break up with anybody. I need that busy body around cuz I get days when I'm hungry and when I get hungry, I need to eat. I'll tell you what you need to hear to confuse you and we fight then make up for make up sex.
The guy wins again. If anyone out there thinks that I'm wrong. Speak. I'll down to learn something new although this playbook is over played and you got gamed. Enough said.
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Well then, Keep winning ****! i haven't given him shit! He doesn't give a shit about covid season, he's unafraid of it. I don't want to leave the relationship bc i haven't put effort in and I don't want to regret walking away... I was neglectful of him too, he got used to shit the way it was...bc I didn't want him at first, now I do lmao im leaving for a while so that will give me time to get over it...
I guess it's unfixable and not worth trying. I quit. I give up...
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I'm sorry to hear that, Rebel. I think if a relationship is too hard and you guys aren't able to communicate and understand each other and you're not on the same page with your relationship, it may be a sign that you two are not compatible. Listen to your heart and to your head and to your gut. If he makes you happy, it may be worth trying with him. But if you find yourself questioning your relationship a lot, then listen to your feelings and ask yourself why you are questioning your relationship often. He should make you feel like you're the only one and he is committed to you. If he is like Duma or Duma's jerk friend, then cut him loose. Breakups are painful but if he's not right for you, you are better off alone. You don't need a person in your life if he does not bring you consistent joy, happiness, and love. I wish you the best. If you do decide to break up with him because you feel it would be better for your mental health and it would be better for your life, then just know that it's OK to be single. There is nothing wrong with being single until the right one comes along. But really, you don't need a man to complete you. Be happy with yourself and your life. Have fun. Enjoy life, because life is too short. Don't close the door to dating other guys but you should be happy with yourself regardless if you are in a relationship or not.
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I thought I'd be able to just walk away but it's harder than I thought. He seem to be trying too and I sense the difference bc he drink so much until he's drunk and stumbling. But his action and words are different. He's affectionate, loving and very attentive. Just slight changes recently with texting and him being more busy than usual. But why can't he break up with me?? He won't allow us to come together and talk. He avoid it and tells me silly things,like we're still together...we're good and things like that. Is he just waiting for our relationship to just fade quietly? I told him today that I won't accept that and that we should talk about and to me get some closure but he won't. All he said was, are you okay, your so dramatic today. It's ridiculous bc how can you date someone for almost a whole year and not tell them something or say a word? I feel he doesn't want to end things and regret it later too. I'm the only one trying to break up, he's never once mentioned it but said he love what we have... but what we have is not good enough for me... I hardly see him..and when we do, we try to fit in so much things to do... I don't want to lose him. I just don't know how to love him right
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"Is this relationship fixable?"
For some, yes, for some, no so it really depends on you two..regardles s of what anyone says..
Good luck!
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Sometimes things are fixable because it is cherished. Sometimes things are not fixable and you decide, ok, let's trash it and get a new one. When you are gone or have something new; sometimes you miss that old familiarity and know you can never get it back. But sometimes, it works out for the better. Good luck.
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I'm sorry to hear that, Rebel. I think if a relationship is too hard and you guys aren't able to communicate and understand each other and you're not on the same page with your relationship, it may be a sign that you two are not compatible. Listen to your heart and to your head and to your gut. If he makes you happy, it may be worth trying with him. But if you find yourself questioning your relationship a lot, then listen to your feelings and ask yourself why you are questioning your relationship often. He should make you feel like you're the only one and he is committed to you. If he is like Duma or Duma's jerk friend, then cut him loose. Breakups are painful but if he's not right for you, you are better off alone. You don't need a person in your life if he does not bring you consistent joy, happiness, and love. I wish you the best. If you do decide to break up with him because you feel it would be better for your mental health and it would be better for your life, then just know that it's OK to be single. There is nothing wrong with being single until the right one comes along. But really, you don't need a man to complete you. Be happy with yourself and your life. Have fun. Enjoy life, because life is too short. Don't close the door to dating other guys but you should be happy with yourself regardless if you are in a relationship or not.
Hey now. You can use my friend's case to talk about but you can not throw me off the bus like that. I am nothing like my friend. If anything, I am a "help support" kind of a guy because your mama will never tell you what it is like to be "that" guy.
For your information, I date for keep. I don't confuse my women at this stages in my life. Child's play days are over. I'm ready to play house and be done with. What I'm seeing in other people's traits are something I would of done when I was in my 20s. The game has not changed at all. It is the same game but blessed are those who are able to see it. You see, if the page was flip and I'm that girl, I'll never let it escalate it this far. I small a rat from a mile away. I know what red flags are and I execute them so that I may not be in such situation.
What you are looking for are them healthy signs. So far, I do not see it. All I see are psychotic manipulation and clever tactics that evil men would do. Now we also have psychotic but smart females out there. They would stalk and get to the bottom of this. Who else is he seeing? Why are his behaviors changing and what could be the real issue here?
But knowing myself, I will not allow myself to go down that road where I have to find out the info myself. If I was in a relationship then yeah, I need closure and I will find out but if we are dating, forget about it. I walk away with my head high and with dignity thus why I say to screen your potentials and decides early if you want to deal with all them bullchit.
If conditions were normal before covid then sure but this is covid season. People are desperate to keep what they have because the meat market is still closed and the dating scene in this covid season is making it hard for people to find a replacement. This concept then changes everything that we used to know. It is like when the going in the dating scene is tough, we ride it out like how we are riding this covid disease out. Options are limited and supplies as in our dating pools are cutting short. To dump people during this time? I'll gladly take some off of your hands and I thank you for letting them go. To some people, it is all about the art of collecting people. Once again, truth be heard. There is still no sympathy when it comes to relationship. Dog eat dog world still.
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Run as fast as you can while you still can lol
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Up to you....we may tell you this and that but at the end of the day, it’s you. But if you’re asking, put your running shoes on and make for the door. Again, up to u.
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You need a psychological intervention, like another guy. He’s already gotten his treatment. I’m not saying what it is. I already give you one corner. If you can’t find the other three, I don’t know what else to say.
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You only fix things that are broken. Keep that in mind. You can only fix things about the other person, who is willing to fix it. Again there has to be an acknowledgment of what's broken and what's needed to be fixed.
I know me when I say relationship is always about growth. Seeding the growth one wants. Seeking the growth one desires. Sometimes it's just seeking the growth in peace and tranquility. A simple happiness just in the moment or just the graciousness for your time and presence given. It's like sunlight, it's almost there everyday. I merely just have to step outside and bask in it. It's like night, it's there every night. I merely have to be awake and notice it. On a clear calm night, the stars or even the moon if present.
When things don't grow, it will wither away. That's simple logic. It hits us emotionally - more so for you women.
Sometimes you have to do you...date yourself. Find that something that you need for yourself.
Solution of communication is more so of an Open Dialogue. If you can have such an open dialogue with such a person - because it's very rare for people to actually have open dialogue and be transparent about oneself, and at the same time with reservation to not insult others for their little flaws. If one can't have this then it's a don't. Even if it comes as the ultimatum finale good-bye, sometimes it has to be this way.
Look at your relationship with this in mind. Who's doing the pushing and pulling? Who's investing time and nurturing growth into it? Who's seeking more?
Your love language and your love philosophy may differ. Is it different enough that it inhibits you?
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I thought I'd be able to just walk away but it's harder than I thought. He seem to be trying too and I sense the difference bc he drink so much until he's drunk and stumbling. But his action and words are different. He's affectionate, loving and very attentive. Just slight changes recently with texting and him being more busy than usual. But why can't he break up with me?? He won't allow us to come together and talk. He avoid it and tells me silly things,like we're still together...we're good and things like that. Is he just waiting for our relationship to just fade quietly? I told him today that I won't accept that and that we should talk about and to me get some closure but he won't. All he said was, are you okay, your so dramatic today. It's ridiculous bc how can you date someone for almost a whole year and not tell them something or say a word? I feel he doesn't want to end things and regret it later too. I'm the only one trying to break up, he's never once mentioned it but said he love what we have... but what we have is not good enough for me... I hardly see him..and when we do, we try to fit in so much things to do... I don't want to lose him. I just don't know how to love him right
I think the idea of being with him and the memory of being with him is what is stopping you from breaking up with him. You're also subconsciously excusing how he treats you because of an attachment you have with him.
But, he is avoiding talking to you and refusing to clear up what's bothering you, so, it feels to me that he is not validating your feelings and acknowledging your concerns. If you mean a lot to him, he would not want you to worry, he would want to talk to you and assure you of his feelings for you. It sounds like he is distant and emotionally unavailable to you. That's not a good thing. I'm not sure if he is what Duma says he is, but refusing to talk to you when you need him to talk to you, is not a good sign. Communication is very important in a relationship and it seems like he's not very good at communicating. He avoids things and brushes things off and turns it around on you by saying you are being dramatic. I feel like he is stonewalling you. He is not being respectful towards what you need, which is open communication with him to address your concerns.
I think you should learn to emotionally distance yourself from him. Try to de-attach. Sometimes it's hard to let go of someone because we've become attached to them, even though they no longer meet our needs and no longer bring us joy. But you have to learn to de-attach if he is not respecting your needs of communication, etc.
Listen to your heart... But also be smart about it. If you are in the wrong, own up to it and apologize. But don't excuse his behavior either. If you both want each other, you BOTH will find a way to understand each other, to acknowledge the issue, and to fix the issue. If you are the only one doing the acknowledging and trying to fix while he dismisses you as being dramatic and not validating your needs and concerns, then it's one sided... And nobody should be in a one sided relationship. You deserve someone who is all in, who will do whatever it takes because they don't want to lose you.
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Rebel, have you noticed if the four horsemen have been or are present in your relationship? They are indicators that your relationship is heading towards the end.
Here's good information on the four horsemen and what each of them are:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)
https://sacwellness.com/the-four-horsemen-signs-your-relationship-is-in-trouble/ (https://sacwellness.com/the-four-horsemen-signs-your-relationship-is-in-trouble/)
If the four horsemen are present in your relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the end of your relationship. But when they are present, it means you BOTH have to want to keep your relationship, you BOTH have to work really hard to communicate and to fix your issues. Otherwise, your relationship will not be a healthy one.
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I'll give another hint.
You did say you guys met online through a social media platform.
You have to see what kind of a pro is he when he is using such apps. I tell you what. No women on ph should date me cuz I'm a pro at ph. Get my drift? I have spoken about this before and I have uses those platform to feast upon myself but luckily for me, she was not a pro at it. Once we hooked up, she and I both gave up the social media world. If they are pro at it, they may not be detach from such media so you are not his only one.
Like for instance, if we hook up on ph, while you think whatever you want to think, I'm sliding into lily's dm. Too bad this ph place has less game otherwise it would be filled up with online drama n such.
Point isthis. If hes not making you his first then obviously you are his second to infinity last. This means he has a first somewhere.
Me love you long time guys also like 3some n those unhealthy aspect in a relationship. Like my Hmong friend. If he can marry them all, he would. When a person goes this route, they are not normal. 3some and swingers are not normal either. I wouldn't date anyone that goes there. I'll eff around with no ties but I wouldn't want my future wife to go that route. When a man disrespects women like kaydoo in rap videos, they would go there.
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I agree with Duma. Perhaps the biggest red flag about your guy is that he wants a threesome. That should tell you a lot. That he desires not just you but others as well. That alone would be enough for me to say "this relationship is not fixable."
I will never be OK with a guy that tells me he wants me AND someone else. I'll even have an issue with him fantasizing about it in his own head.
I don't believe in open marriages or being swingers or threesomes. Too complicated. I don't need complications in my life. Life is too short. I need it to be stress-free and drama-free.
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I agree with Duma. Perhaps the biggest red flag about your guy is that he wants a threesome. That should tell you a lot. That he desires not just you but others as well. That alone would be enough for me to say "this relationship is not fixable."
I will never be OK with a guy that tells me he wants me AND someone else. I'll even have an issue with him fantasizing about it in his own head.
I don't believe in open marriages or being swingers or threesomes. Too complicated. I don't need complications in my life. Life is too short. I need it to be stress-free and drama-free.
You see this folks? When someone answer these questions in the right light, they do so deserved better. You get two people who agrees with the same principles and philosophy in life then how can this not be a match made in heaven?
Good people deserves one another and confused people ended up like rebel, got played by a me love you long time.
You just can't fix some things in life like you can't fix stupid. There, I said it. :2funny:
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I'm pressing the reset button. I have mixed feelings I keep fighting myself. I just want to fall and land easy on something soft...thanks guys ❤️
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O0 O0
I think the idea of being with him and the memory of being with him is what is stopping you from breaking up with him. You're also subconsciously excusing how he treats you because of an attachment you have with him.
But, he is avoiding talking to you and refusing to clear up what's bothering you, so, it feels to me that he is not validating your feelings and acknowledging your concerns. If you mean a lot to him, he would not want you to worry, he would want to talk to you and assure you of his feelings for you. It sounds like he is distant and emotionally unavailable to you. That's not a good thing. I'm not sure if he is what Duma says he is, but refusing to talk to you when you need him to talk to you, is not a good sign. Communication is very important in a relationship and it seems like he's not very good at communicating. He avoids things and brushes things off and turns it around on you by saying you are being dramatic. I feel like he is stonewalling you. He is not being respectful towards what you need, which is open communication with him to address your concerns.
I think you should learn to emotionally distance yourself from him. Try to de-attach. Sometimes it's hard to let go of someone because we've become attached to them, even though they no longer meet our needs and no longer bring us joy. But you have to learn to de-attach if he is not respecting your needs of communication, etc.
Listen to your heart... But also be smart about it. If you are in the wrong, own up to it and apologize. But don't excuse his behavior either. If you both want each other, you BOTH will find a way to understand each other, to acknowledge the issue, and to fix the issue. If you are the only one doing the acknowledging and trying to fix while he dismisses you as being dramatic and not validating your needs and concerns, then it's one sided... And nobody should be in a one sided relationship. You deserve someone who is all in, who will do whatever it takes because they don't want to lose you.
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:2funny: :2funny:
Run as fast as you can while you still can lol
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:2funny: :2funny: :2funny:
Up to you....we may tell you this and that but at the end of the day, it’s you. But if you’re asking, put your running shoes on and make for the door. Again, up to u.
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when it feels like work, then its probably best to part ways.
That's how I roll...and have done in the past... O0
I hear people complain how their relationship is "too much work" or it's "too hard", I'm like, if you're sacrificing your health and happiness over it, it's best to part ways..
Life is too short so living in misery ain't much living... ;D
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I’ll chime in my 2 cents.
Yeah that's a very one sided relationship. If he’s not giving you any attention or doing his part, and you’re always be the one initiating text, then what's really happening is he’s using you for sex. But giving you nothing in return in terms of love, affection, support or growth.
Let’s say if the role was reverse and the woman doesn’t give me any attention, that tells me she’s not attracted to me. Women don’t play games with men they are genuinely interested in. She’s not going to make it difficult for me to be intimate with her if she’s genuinely interested.
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But really you guys need better communication and what you guys are looking for honestly.
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See each other once a week?
Sheesh
Thats sooo little
I see my wife then girlfriend almost everyday
Beside work
Im with my wife 24/7
Yes she comes fishing with me
Read a book and watch me fish
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I can see the "24/7" thing because she's attached your right arm afterall... ;D