PebHmong Discussion Forum
Creative Corner => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Reporter on June 10, 2013, 12:23:47 PM
-
St. Paul, MN—June 9, 2013. The two veteran lone grey squirrels here must love this oak branch that hangs just outside my office window.
The human-leg-sized, one-car length branch points north from its tree, with scaled barks that look coarse to the touch. Yes, just looks because I've never been able to reach up to it at this height. Smaller branches with leaves and without—in the falls and winters—stem sporadically from it, projecting up and down in various segments throughout its length; it hangs about twelve feet above ground, just enough for squirrels to feel completely up on a tree and yet safe from any kind of fall or dangerous reach from it.
During the four years that I've been here, I've seen them use it for many things—just scurrying back and forth on it, eating their acorns on, and even having sex with each other on it--much romance between them I've enjoyed viewing. Their activities have recurred consistently throughout the years that I've been here. Sometimes I even miss them if they aren't out there on that branch.
-
Good start. I felt all over the place though. What were you trying to describe? The branch, squirrels, or your feelings? Maybe just an ordinary day or something that's been consistent like a part of your life? Just trying to get the main point out of this.
-
Good start. I felt all over the place though. What were you trying to describe? The branch, squirrels, or your feelings? Maybe just an ordinary day or something that's been consistent like a part of your life? Just trying to get the main point out of this.
It's not a start. It's a final exercise itself. Just describing an item right now.
Did you miss the branch? The topic sentence says it all. The other details are just there to create a relationship to the branch and make the description more vivid.
-
It's not a start. It's a final exercise itself. Just describing an item right now.
Did you miss the branch? The topic sentence says it all. The other details are just there to create a relationship to the branch and make the description more vivid.
I said start because you said attempt. ::)
No, I got the branch. I guess you meant for it to be something subtle yet important. :)
-
I said start because you said attempt. ::)
No, I got the branch. I guess you meant for it to be something subtle yet important. :)
I've combined both the factual and personal description techniques on this one. That's why it's not just the branch but other surrounding things affiliated with it, too.
-
I've combined both the factual and personal description techniques on this one. That's why it's not just the branch but other surrounding things affiliated with it, too.
I noticed. I was actually expecting more personificatio n from you of the tree. More than just the first sentence.
-
I noticed. I was actually expecting more personificatio n from you of the tree. More than just the first sentence.
I intend to revise it to make it better and even more vivid. I did think up some more stuff yesterday and this morning. And I'm planning on doing a few more pieces on this personal description technique.
-
I LOVE it, Reporter. You're very good. Very descriptive! Are you taking a course on descriptive writing or reading a book on the topic? Anyway, it was very good. *claps hands*
-
Very nice, I'd like to try it too.
-
O0
More squirrel sex.
Please and thank you.
-
I'll get some more stories on that soon. I've seen a lot of them.
-
The Beautiful Old Oak Tree
The air changes as the eastern wind blows. I looked over my shoulder and saw how much the old beautiful oak tree has begun the shedding process. My finger aches, my hands shaking as blood rushing through my blue veins. My heart trembles, beating a beat faster and faster, my belly felt lighter as if the butterflies have swirler inside of me. It jumped from branches to branches looking for something. There is another one nibbling on the seed of the Oak. My heart is racing, my thought of where my dear friend is, he would definitely tribute to my cause. As I looked on, more and more little fury things had gather on the old oak tree. I wish my dear friend would be here with me. He sure will be helping me chase my temptations. My hearts beats uncontrollable ly as I stood there watching, studying, watching their every move, knowing soon, I will visit the old beautiful Oak tree again with my dear friend.
-
The Beautiful Old Oak Tree
The air changes as the eastern wind blows. I looked over my shoulder and saw how much the old beautiful oak tree has begun the shedding process. My finger aches, my hands shaking as blood rushing through my blue veins. My heart trembles, beating a beat faster and faster, my belly felt lighter as if the butterflies have swirler inside of me. It jumped from branches to branches looking for something. There is another one nibbling on the seed of the Oak. My heart is racing, my thought of where my dear friend is, he would definitely tribute to my cause. As I looked on, more and more little fury things had gather on the old oak tree. I wish my dear friend would be here with me. He sure will be helping me chase my temptations. My hearts beats uncontrollable ly as I stood there watching, studying, watching their every move, knowing soon, I will visit the old beautiful Oak tree again with my dear friend.
Here's an incident of animals taking over another's companion for sex. Real story witnessed personally by Reporter.
Not necessarily a descriptive piece though, but an interesting story.
I was casting into this side of a twin lake that was known to have a lot of large mouth bass. Behind me was a thatch over some lawn and trees. A green-headed malard and his beige hen were walking on the lawn, even nibbling the grass. Then came three other green-headed, handsome malards alighting onto the lawn. They all moved towards her and one had pecked her upper neck and was climbing onto her. Her malard companion moved in to drive the climbing male out. But the other two male malards budged in and drove him away.
The first incoming male malard succeeded in having sex with the hen. It got down and flew away. One of the other two turned from the fray and got on top of her. He, too, did the same thing as the first one and flew way.
By the time, the hen's male malard was just standing by, watching them.
The third one then moved in and got on top of her and did the same thing: had sex with her.
He, too, flew away.
The hen and drake that were originally on the lawn just started walking together again.
This was in Winona, MN.
-
The Beautiful Old Oak Tree
The air changes as the eastern wind blows. I looked over my shoulder and saw how much the old beautiful oak tree has begun the shedding process. My finger aches, my hands shaking as blood rushing through my blue veins. My heart trembles, beating a beat faster and faster, my belly felt lighter as if the butterflies have swirler inside of me. It jumped from branches to branches looking for something. There is another one nibbling on the seed of the Oak. My heart is racing, my thought of where my dear friend is, he would definitely tribute to my cause. As I looked on, more and more little fury things had gather on the old oak tree. I wish my dear friend would be here with me. He sure will be helping me chase my temptations. My hearts beats uncontrollable ly as I stood there watching, studying, watching their every move, knowing soon, I will visit the old beautiful Oak tree again with my dear friend.
Pretty good, although, I didn't get who "it" was in the bold. Was it your heart you were referring to or the squirrel you forgot to mention? Also, your title is about the oak tree but you talked more about the squirrels, so it was a little confusing. I was expecting more on the tree.
R, so if not descriptive then it must be your thoughts. And, thoughts should go in the journal forum. ;D
...but, in reply to it anyway, that's a pretty interesting incident. I saw something similar with a certain type of fish on Discover a while back. They were deep water fishes (can't recall the type of fish) where three males were fighting to win one female to fertilize her. While the two buffed fishes were going at each other to see which one was bigger and tougher, the weakling one, who knew he wouldn't be able to fight either of the buffed fishes, snuck over to the female fish while the buffed fishes were too caught up in their fight, fertilized her and went on his way. The thing was, the female fish allowed the weakling fish to fertilize her because he was the smarter one of the three fishes and she wants their baby fishes to be smart like him. He used his mind to get the girl while the other two buffed ones used there physical looks and strength. Almost human-like.
-
Reporter, I thought you would understand the beautiful oak tree, but thats okay.
Explaination of the beautiful Oak Tree
I wrote this short descriptive, but unclear describing my firing love for the beautiful oak tree that I visit every year. When I see her, the sight of her ability to draw the fury squirrels that gather for her seeds makes my heart beat. I go breathless and hope my dear friend (my gun) would be there to help me join in my urges. I stood there study and knowing when it is time, I will be back to visit her again and bring my dear friend for some squirrels.
-
Big bad bummy bully Bob beat Billy's baby boy bad better
-
St. Paul, MN—June 9, 2013. The two veteran lone grey squirrels here must love this oak branch that hangs just outside my office window.
The human-leg-sized, one-car length branch pointing north from its treemain trunk is covered with scaled barks that looks coarse to the touch. Yes, just looks because I've never been able to reach up to touch it at this height. Smaller branches with leaves and without—in the falls and winters—stem sporadically from it, projecting up and down in various segments throughout its length; it hangs about twelve feet above ground, just enough for squirrels to feel completely up on a tree and yet safe from any kind of fall or dangerous reach from it.
During the four years that I've been here, I've seen them use it for many things—just scurrying back and forth on it, eating their acorns on, and even having sex with each other on it--much romance between them I've enjoyed viewing. Their activities have recurred consistently throughout the years that I've been here. Sometimes I even miss them if they aren't out there on that branch.
I know I'm late to this, but when conveying the main subject matter it is preferential to open with it first thing. It creates the necessary descriptive flow that allows the reader to build upon it systematically .
The opening subjects were two squirrels leading to the branch. The reader is fixed on two squirrels now. Furthermore they shouldn't be described as lone, since there's two of them. I would reorganize it this way.
This lone oak branch that hangs just outside of my window is loved by two mature well seasoned grey squirrels.
I would change the second sentence just slightly, to help out with the flow. I added the word touch, to the third sentence since it is descriptive of your personal physical relationship comparison shifted from just your eyes.
-
Not a bad fix, VH, but it then becomes your story. Your voice.
-
Not a bad fix, VH, but it then becomes your story. Your voice.
True in a way I kind of only suggest this methodology for flow for emphasis on the tree branch. Mostly because I was coached this method. While I had attempted many times to flow it in a similar method like reporter's.
Overall I think it has a good balance between the squirrels and tree branch. A sort of relationship that is observed from the window. Yet the tree branch gets the final acknowledgemen t.
-
I know what you mean by writing out an example of how you would have written R's story. But, from reading your phrase and R's story, I hear two different voices and they are quite different. R's is more descriptive whereas yours is straight to the point.
That aside, in editing your writing, I would have left out the word "of." It's not necessary. But, some might say, it's preference...o r even my voice. ;D
-
I know what you mean by writing out an example of how you would have written R's story. But, from reading your phrase and R's story, I hear two different voices and they are quite different. R's is more descriptive whereas yours is straight to the point.
That aside, in editing your writing, I would have left out the word "of." It's not necessary. But, some might say, it's preference...o r even my voice. ;D
LOL you're right, it's not required.
-
Here is my attempt.
The sky outside is dark and gloomy, the wind howls, trees sway in their spots. No tinkering of music or flickering of a candlelight could bring me comfort. A few feet away, a car triggers the outdoor sensor light. The light gleamed to life but it is the only light in the dark. I could not help but see me; the only light in the dark; oh, the loneliness, oh, the courage. If only I could cease this moment for an instant, the grip of loneliness could free me. But again, I would still be the only light.
-
OK. I understand now. lol
I think that reference to the "friend" made it hard for me at first.
Reporter, I thought you would understand the beautiful oak tree, but thats okay.
Explaination of the beautiful Oak Tree
I wrote this short descriptive, but unclear describing my firing love for the beautiful oak tree that I visit every year. When I see her, the sight of her ability to draw the fury squirrels that gather for her seeds makes my heart beat. I go breathless and hope my dear friend (my gun) would be there to help me join in my urges. I stood there study and knowing when it is time, I will be back to visit her again and bring my dear friend for some squirrels.
-
Ok. Good points.
I prefer the active voice though, not the passive. I avoid using the "verb-by" kind of action whenever I can avoid it.
I know I'm late to this, but when conveying the main subject matter it is preferential to open with it first thing. It creates the necessary descriptive flow that allows the reader to build upon it systematically .
The opening subjects were two squirrels leading to the branch. The reader is fixed on two squirrels now. Furthermore they shouldn't be described as lone, since there's two of them. I would reorganize it this way.
This lone oak branch that hangs just outside of my window is loved by two mature well seasoned grey squirrels.
I would change the second sentence just slightly, to help out with the flow. I added the word touch, to the third sentence since it is descriptive of your personal physical relationship comparison shifted from just your eyes.
-
Good opening.
I'm interested in knowing what may come next.
Here is my attempt.
The sky outside is dark and gloomy, the wind howls, trees sway in their spots. No tinkering of music or flickering of a candlelight could bring me comfort. A few feet away, a car triggers the outdoor sensor light. The light gleamed to life but it is the only light in the dark. I could not help but see me; the only light in the dark; oh, the loneliness, oh, the courage. If only I could cease this moment for an instant, the grip of loneliness could free me. But again, I would still be the only light.