Messages

1

General Relationship / Re: I don't believe in "if he wanted to, he would have"...

« on: March 17, 2025, 04:46:28 PM »

A clinically diagnosed narcissist said that this phrase means nothing because people who are commitment-phobe, avoidant, and have narcissistic traits will initiate and pursue you but it's not a good thing. For example, if he's been leading you on for years and then suddenly wants to marry you, it is never for a good reason. It means that he knows you'll take all his crap and marriage will trap you even more. He absolves all responsibiliti es of mistreating you so if you complain, he'll just simply say, "but you knew how I was. You obviously forgave me and that's why you agreed to this." He will turn it around and blame you for your unhappiness.

The best thing to do is just walk away for good and never give these types of people another chance.

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Marriage & Family Life / Re: Older wives divorcing their husband because...

« on: March 17, 2025, 10:26:05 AM »

Honestly, my husband would have to have committed an atrocity, or have an addiction for me to divorce. Mishandling money isn't reason enough for me to divorce him. Do you know how many broke single dudes are out there? Tons. lol

I'd also be very upset if he talked to other women, but still not enough to divorce him just yet. Do you know how many single dudes stay connected to their exes for emotional and financial support? The broke ones still live with their ex. They're not going to sever those ride or die connections just because they're with you. Older single dudes always have a backup plan because they don't trust relationships to last.

If your husband isn't dead, then hold on because if you think divorcing him to find a better man is a good idea, then you'll be disappointed. Unless you really are prepared to be single. But the women who say that and mean it are far and few. The loneliness creeps in and they find themself putting up with things that they would never have with the ex-husband. 

3

Marriage & Family Life / Re: Older wives divorcing their husband because...

« on: March 17, 2025, 09:59:31 AM »

A woman abandoned her children and divorced her husband after 35 years of marriage. To be fair, the husband placed priority in his work, hobbies, and friends before his wife and family. The wife felt very justified to leave him.

Unfortunately, she did not find anything or anyone better. In fact, she found herself wooing a single father and his children, hoping to one day become part of their family.

Oh the irony!

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Marriage & Family Life / Older wives divorcing their husband because...

« on: March 17, 2025, 09:56:05 AM »

...he talked to other women and mishandled money only to find themselves putting up with broke men who have a lot of women. 

Classic example of "khiav qav mus ntsib nab."

I'll try to post a link later.

But anyway, this divorcee moved a boyfriend into her home so that he can get his finances in order. She knows that he talks to other women and there isn't anything that she can do about it because he's making her compete for his love. He uses the excuse that they aren't married so technically, he still has options. She hopes that by putting up with all of his mental and emotional abuse, he will wife her some day.

Oh boy, talk about trading down. She might as well have stayed with the husband who is the father of her children. At least the family would be intact and the kids and grandchildren aren't around a strange dude.

This woman is now willing to put up with so much for a man who makes excuses not to fully commit to her.

5

Marriage & Family Life / Delilah, Leah, or Rachel...men choose Delilah hoping she'll change into a Rachel

« on: March 17, 2025, 09:34:47 AM »

They'll accept a Leah until Rachel comes along.

And that's why they're unhappy with the woman they have at home.

Too many men are choosing a Delilah or are willing to accept a Leah. Neither one requires a man to do the work to have them. However, over time the man never feels satisfied and that stems from the fact that he didn't do the work to have them. But when a man chooses a Rachel, which means that he delights in respecting her boundaries and wants to meet expectations, he loves her with all of his heart and for the rest of his days.

6

General Relationship / Re: Relationship: Best not to know

« on: March 17, 2025, 01:50:25 AM »

I will never understand people who invest so much into a person who isn't their spouse. When it doesn't work out, they're all broken and jaded. It causes them to hold back on the next person, who probably was their one. But they sabotaged it and now they're telling themselves that it wasn't "the one'". That's when they'll freak out and choose the next person to come along and that person will be toxic as hell, just like all their exes. 

7

General Relationship / Re: I don't believe in "if he wanted to, he would have"...

« on: March 17, 2025, 12:37:13 AM »

I don't know any woman who manipulated a man into marriage, who feels truly secure.

A man who agreed to a marriage or relationship because it was convenient at the time, always has his heart elsewhere especially when his days are numbered.

8

General Relationship / I don't believe in "if he wanted to, he would have"...

« on: March 16, 2025, 11:27:22 PM »

The reality is that there are men who will never want to. It's not a matter of meeting the woman of his dreams. Men with commitment phobia, avoidant attachment style, and strong narcissistic traits don't marry for love anyways. They never marry their dream girl because it means having to meet her expectations and respecting her boundaries.

So, if any of these types of men choose you to marry or want a commitment (which will be 100% one-sided), you might want to reconsider.

9

General Relationship / Re: You'll cut others if you don't heal yourself...

« on: March 16, 2025, 10:42:33 PM »

“If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you.” ~Anonymous.

I find people who are resilient to be the most attractive and best suited for a happy, healthy marital commitment.

Healing is a choice. You can choose to be miserable or choose to be happy. I choose to be happy.

10

Marriage & Family Life / Re: Not relationship material

« on: March 11, 2025, 09:32:36 AM »

You might be wondering, "it's their life."

Yes, it is their life except now that they are old and sick, the woman who they've been shacking up with no longer wants them and is sending them back to their "kwv tij". Nobody wants to take in this person, but the clan is guilting the blood brothers. Since the mother is no longer alive and men don't want to do the nursing, it will probably fall upon the sister-in-laws. The sister-in-laws do not feel comfortable giving this person a sponge bath, spoon feeding him, and so and so forth.

I actually have seen many cases like this. Men who abandoned their children OR they never bothered to have children.

The blood brothers are considering putting him in a state-run nursing home.

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Marriage & Family Life / It's been more than 20 years on HOL/PH...what have you accomplished?

« on: March 11, 2025, 09:03:37 AM »

I'm happy to report that there are many HOL/PHers who have gone on to accomplish many things since the inception of these Hmong social media sites. Some have married, raised children, become homeowners, completed their educational pursuits, and have flourishing careers. Many have acquired wealth, status, and become respected community members. Some are even inlaws and grandparents now! Some have hit roadblocks, such as divorce, death, and lost everything. Yet, through perseverance, have overcome those obstacles and rebuilt their lives.

Isn't it great to see how far along many have come? I still remember the days of being a young, broke, student but I knew that one day, many of us would reach these heights of financial success and marital bliss.

IF YOU HAVE NOT, welps, that is a lot of years that you can't recoup to get you to where you want to be.

Unfortunately, the only next step is death if NOT retirement.

Will you come along with us into the next chapter? Many of us have been planning for retirement and will coast our way into that final chapter with peace and prosperity. Too old to play games and still be confused about what we want in life.

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Marriage & Family Life / Re: Not relationship material

« on: March 11, 2025, 08:55:24 AM »

Yuav tus nkauj xwb los tsis work.

Yuav tus poj nrauj los tsis work.

Yuav tus poj ntsuam los tsis work.

Yuav tus ruam los tsis work.

Yuav tus ntse los tsis work.

Yuav tus hluas los tsis work.

Yuav tus laus los tsis work.

Tham tus twg los ib ntus xwb ces muaj teeb meem. Nws hais tias yog tim lawv tab sis muab saib mas nws yog "the only one in the equation".

Tus zoo li no ces ntshe tsis work.

Some people will live like this until they are very old and have no one. Maybe if they play their last player card right, they will find a very vulnerable and low vibration woman to nurse them. It won't be for love but transactional only. They need a woman to nurse them and that woman needs to have a man in her house.

Every family has this kind of person. 

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Marriage & Family Life / Not relationship material

« on: March 11, 2025, 08:48:48 AM »

Some people are simply not relationship material and it doesn't have anything to do with whether they've healed or are in a good place to be in one.

There is no such thing as waiting for the right moment to be in a relationship or to have a good relationship.

Those who are secure, considerate, and have interpersonal skills will always be relationship material. They can even make big mistakes and still find a way to keep that relationship running in a way that both people can work together in healthy ways.

But those who are not relationship material can never make it work with anyone and therefore, they don't have anything to show when those situationships end. They might have long-term situationships but it is almost always never fruitful and basically a waste of everyone's time. Not to mention a lot of drama and emotional damage. This causes them to get into more toxic situationships because they've never experienced a healthy relationship.

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Marriage & Family Life / Re: Hmong lady says

« on: March 08, 2025, 10:24:33 PM »

the only she would forget any abusive ex is to have a new guy.

She says if there's no new guy in her life, she would miss the abusive ex
and would keep fighting for him.

But once she has the new guy, the only things she remembers about
the ex are just the great or romantic things they had together, not
the abuses anymore though.

As a man, I find solitude better. I don't think about the abusive ex.
When I have a new girl, I don't remember most things--bad or good--
about the ex.

Anyone who is still thinking about an ex or maintaining a platonic connection with an ex isn't relationship material.

15

Marriage & Family Life / Re: Hmong lady says

« on: March 06, 2025, 12:28:57 AM »

She doesn't sound like someone who has healed. She should not be in any new relationship.

Anyways, some men do this, too. In fact, many will still keep the so-called abusive ex-girlfriend/wife as a "niam loj" because she still serves him. Sure, they are not thinking about her when they are talking to other women, but they do still keep her around if they can still get something out of her.