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Messages - Believe_N_Me

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Books & Magazines / Re: What is your favorite Classic Novel
« on: April 03, 2024, 04:12:41 PM »
"The Good Earth" - Pearl S. Buck
"Black Beauty" - Anna Sewell
"The Little House on the Prairie" series by Laura Ingalls
"Sense and Sensibility" - Jane Austen

General Relationship / The reasons for these postings
« on: April 03, 2024, 03:46:30 PM »
I noticed that in the Youtube Hmong community, we have so many channels that only talk about relationship drama, BUT we don't have any channels addressing how to heal from them. Simply type in May Vang, Nancy Yang, Jenny Vang or Mab Vaj and you'll find volumes of situationship horror stories BUT where are the Youtubers who offer ways to heal? Who will explain why this happened and that a large part of it relates to attachment disorders?

On the contrary, in the mainstream community there are hundreds of therapists, counselors, and relationship experts giving advise on how to recover from these traumatic experiences. Honestly, if the Hmong men and women who have suffered trauma from being in a situationship could only understand that they may have been dealing with someone who has a disorder or is narcissistic, it may help them to heal.

General Relationship / Re: "Hobosexual"
« on: April 03, 2024, 03:39:03 PM »
Older women (especially if divorced or widowed) are susceptible to falling for a hobosexual because they have the resources and are in a vulnerable state of mind to be taken advantage of.Older women have a natural inclination to help. They view these type of men as a "diamond in the rough" and better to have something than nothing. It's about reputation and status in the Hmong community. They also mistake the men in this situation as a good catch because often times these men are no longer involved with raising their children (if they have any from a previous marriage) and aren't tied to permanent things like a mortgage, family, etc. Therefore, the women think, "great, he can get a fresh start with me. Logistically, it's to my advantage. I can stay where I'm at and he'll move in with me."

I'm of a traditional mindset that if a man didn't earn it or build it, he'll never take ownership of it, and won't take leadership. Therefore, he will not show up as the kind of life mate that you want. However, there are some woman who are perfectly okay with keeping a man as an accessory while she builds herself up. This is becoming widespread among many Hmong women, especially those who marry much younger men oversea.

Just want to put a disclaimer that these posts about avoidants are not about the average person who may be guarded when it comes to relationships and in fact, don't really get into one. This is about people who are clinically termed as having an avoidant attachment disorder and their behavior pattern when they are in a relationship.

Did you know that the majority of the population either has avoidant or anxious attachment style when it comes to relationships? But until they are diagnosed as having the disorder, it doesn't mean that they have it. Also, we all have narcissistic traits, some are stronger than others, but that doesn't mean that we're narcissists either. Again, a person would have to be clinically diagnosed as one.

These videos are meant to help those who have experienced or are coming out of traumatic situationships (or even a marriage). It is to help them understand that the breakup may not have been personal at all, and that they were dealing with someone who has an attachment disorder (or maybe was actually a narcissist). 


If you decide that an avoidant is your person and you want to stick with them, just know that they can discard you at any given time depending on what triggers them because they have an attachment disorder. The trigger can be as small as expecting them contribute around the house. Basically, anything that can appear as a means to control them or pushing them into a romantically committed relationship.

You really have to be okay being in a friends with benefits situationship in order to keep them coming back around because the avoidant will be in and out a lot. Sometimes it will appear as though they're in a romantic relationship with you, but mostly they will behave like it's casual because they have a severe need to feel in control of their independence. Don't be surprised if they frequently share stories about the other women they've been with because they mostly view you as a friend whom they can get a female perspective from. It's also a strategy that blocks romantic feelings from developing.

After awhile, they will often withhold sex because this creates distance and sets low expectations so that you won't get the impression the relationship is serious or growing deeper. You'll even notice that once you've moved on to having your own life - even dating someone else - they will start to feel sexual desire towards you because you have to remember they feel safer when you're unavailable to them. Plus, if they are able to get with you, they feel validated as though you chose them over your other suitors. Avoidants have issues with self-worth, and crave to be desired but have a great fear of rejection at the same time. This was caused by childhood trauma where their primary caregiver neglected them OR their first experience with a romantic partner was really abusive. They developed a fear of intimacy and concluded that they can't trust anybody.

You might even notice that they have a lot of really close connections with married women, and female colleagues. (This can apply to avoidant women but according to therapists, avoidants are typically men). This is because they are engaging in emotional affairs for stimulation with unavailable people. You have to remember that avoidant men are masters at being charismatic and appearing like the perfect partner. They're really good listeners so women going through rough situationships/relationships find them to be healing. Avoidant men are highly likely to cheat because an affair is stimulating while the secrecy of it means they don't have to hold any accountability . The married women/female colleague can't call him out because he'll always use her situation as the reason why he can't put forth more effort.

So again, a friend with benefits situationship is best for an avoidant and for YOU because as a friend, you might not feel as rejected or hurt by the avoidant's behavior pattern. As only a friend, you probably have an entirely independent life apart from him. You won't take his actions so personally because you won't expect him to meet the expectations of a fully committed romantic partner. You'll have a friend in him first, and that's why he stays with you for the long haul. At the end of the day, the avoidant still has needs and desires to have a ride or die partner. Someone he can come home to, depend on for resources, help him with the mundane things in daily life, etc. But he just doesn't want to be married, romantically tied or be in an obligatory commitment to that partner.

General Relationship / Re: "Situationship" is not a relationship
« on: April 03, 2024, 12:14:25 PM »
It appears that someone whose only known situationships are similar to people who were promiscuous at an early age.

For example, the experts say that women who had sex early in their teens (whether by consent or coercion) are more promiscuous. They believe sex is love. All their relationships are based on sex and not deep connections. They struggle to have a deep, loving connection because it's not normal to them. Sex-based relationships are short-lived. Therefore, they do go on to have more sex partners because they're always chasing that high.

This is the same with a person whose only had situationships . They need drama, conflict, push and pull energy, and tension to feel that it's love. Despite saying that they just want peace, they don't feel loved if their partner isn't creating drama. They need their partner to feel jealous, insecure, anxious, and chase them in order to feel valued and desired. The situationship creates uncertainty (has a lot of highs and lows, hot and cold energy, which keeps their emotions on high at all times.) It's like a fire that is always lit under their feet. It stimulates them to feel like they have a relationship. Therefore, they can go from one situationship to another and are more than likely to only have situationships .

Healthy relationships can be boring. While there is excitement when the parties involved spend time together in a shared activity, the majority of it is really uneventful. This is not enough stimulation for the situationship person. It's as if nothing is there for them. They really need to feel high and low energy. 

A lot of situationship people stay longer with a tumultuous (sometimes even toxic) partner and will discard someone who is a secure attachment.

A situationship person tends to have a dismissive/fearful avoidant attachment disorder and gravitate towards severe anxious people. They're really attracted to secure attachments (because it's who they deeply desire to be with, would like to see in themselves, and recognize is a good thing), but eventually feel too intimidated and unworthy to be with one. They'll always discard the secure person if the secure person hasn't already walked away first. Mostly because secure people want a fully committed relationship and not a situationship. This is too overwhelming for the situationship person who feels that a relationship has too many obligations and responsiblitie s. Situationship people want to avoid that. They just want the benefits.

General Relationship / Re: "Situationship" is not a relationship
« on: April 03, 2024, 11:33:04 AM »
IMHO, if I had to choose between a divorced man and a man who came from a longterm situationship, I'd prefer the divorced man.

The divorced man has experience in being in a fully committed marriage. He is conditioned to behave as someone who is fully committed. Now whether or not he acted appropriate in his marriage is something that can be easily tested. It's more important that he knows what is expected of him in a marriage and can accept accountability if he didn't do those things in his marriage.

The situationship man is not conditioned to perform his role as a fully committed person. In fact, he's been getting his cake and eating it, too. He'll be more likely to be set in that way, and expect to have his cake and eat it, too, in a marriage. He won't see that anything he did in the situationship was inappropriate or hurtful because he didn't view himself as fully committed. Therefore, there was never any obligation on his part to meet the expectations.

General Relationship / "Situationship" is not a relationship
« on: April 03, 2024, 11:10:20 AM »
All these terms are fascinating.

Therapists, counselors, and relationship experts do not view cohabitating boyfriend/girlfriend as having a relationship but a "situationship".

A situationship can have all the appearance and perks of a relationship but without the commitment, obligations, and expectations of a real romantic partner.

Those who have been in a situationship, especially if they've been in more than one, are more likely to have a higher divorce rate should they get married. Whether that is to the situationship partner or to a new person. 

Situationships do not help the parties involved to develop healthy patterns of relationship behavior. In fact, it is the opposite, according to therapist Suzanne Venker. Why? Because a situationship sets up the parties involved how to find the negatives and red flags in their partner in order to justify ending the connection. In other words, these people get together to break up. Think of it this way, "let's live together and act like husband and wife, so that we can find out if I really want to marry you." Well of course you would only be looking for the negatives.

And once they identify the negatives, there is no obligation to reconcile when the entire purpose was to look for red flags so that you can exit. Whereas in a marriage, you are there to reconcile and work together through the red flags. Each partner is more willing to work through challenges in order to keep the marriage.

Situationships teach the parties involved how to perfect a breakup. They're used to it and view it as a good option - in fact, the only solution to conflict.

Those who have been in one or more situationship have a more pessimistic view about marriage and are least likely to enter one. I'm not saying that marriage is the only kind of connection to have. If two consenting adults are okay with a situationship then by all means, do whatever floats their boat. But just know that the situationship has a guaranteed ending - it's kind of the purpose. You're only in it for as long as it is convenient and enjoyable.

However, the ending of a situationship doesn't come without grief, heartbreak, disappointment, and trauma. In fact, some might say it is more traumatizing than a divorce. With a divorce, the parties involved can at least say that they gave it their best shot. They don't have to wonder the what ifs, and they don't feel taken advantage of. Something that cannot be said about a situationship. One party, particularly the woman, always feel like she was used and misled. Because the woman tends to invest more emotionally, often times financially as well, in a situationship since she is hoping that it would turn into a full commitment. And she feels pressured to prove herself as good enough for him to commit to. Unless of course this is a dynamic where she is a gold-digger, then the man will feel a lot of anger when it ends. 

Also, people who were in a situationship carry their negative experience and developed bad behaviors into the next relationship. They project all their insecurities and pessimism onto the new person. The same reasons that people hesitate to marry a divorced person can be true for why someone would hesitate to get with a person who was in a situationship. Again, a situationship may not have involved full commitment, but it certainly included many of the perks and pitfalls of a marriage. And again, I always say worse since parties in a situationship never fully gave themselves so they're not even conditioned to know how to behave like a fully committed romantic partner.

Therapists are finding that the majority of their clients are those who were in a situationship rather than a marriage. Modern dating and feminism have moved the culture away from marriage and more people are getting into a situationship. Therapists are saying that this has changed the way they practice because those suffering from a situationship breakup are having a more difficult time healing. Furthermore, they get into another situationship or find themselves divorced when they marry. This is why we're seeing a dramatic increase in divorce rates. It's not just divorced people remarrying and divorced. It includes never-been married people whose had a situationship that don't know how to cultivate a healthy marriage.

General Relationship / Re: "Hobosexual"
« on: April 03, 2024, 10:25:30 AM »
I personally know a woman in her 60s who was with a hobosexual for a little over 20 years. After he discarded her, she was left with nothing. She wasted that whole time with him. 

General Relationship / Re: "Hobosexual"
« on: April 03, 2024, 10:00:14 AM »

Hobosexuals are becoming more and more common in our Hmong communities as well. It's not just a black issue.

I know of so many Hmong women dealing with a hobosexual. I know Hmong men who are hobosexuals. lol Youtube storytellers have volumes of these dramas.

See post about friends with benefits situationship.


General Relationship / Re: Discard vs. Breakup
« on: April 02, 2024, 11:54:41 PM »
We know who is going to be getting a lot of wool socks for Christmas this year.  :D

General Relationship / Re: JJ, I did a little snooping for you
« on: April 02, 2024, 11:53:24 PM »
Thank you for the positive energy.  ;)


General Relationship / Re: JJ, I did a little snooping for you
« on: April 02, 2024, 02:33:09 PM »
I will not try- I can and will do it. :/

I really like your victor mentality.  O0

General Relationship / Re: Are you an ageist?
« on: April 02, 2024, 02:32:23 PM »
Gravity goes in the same direction.  O0

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