Love is not precondition, but built

[JonniJacko]

is it really love though? or the thought of loving someone but knowing they're not that someone..haha. .great article IMO. Just wish I knew this a lot sooner...Would have saved me a ton of headaches...LO L

https://hackspirit.com/10-signs-you-love-each-other-a-lot-but-you-just-werent-meant-to-be/

[Believe_N_Me]

Just because you check off all the boxes on someone's list, it doesn't mean that they want to be with you. Especially when it's obvious they put a lot more effort (action) into a relationship that was supposedly toxic according to them. It just means they wish the other person had your traits and are using your energy so they can deal with the dysfunction at home. The other person is who they're comfortable with and will choose to be with. 

My friend told me that he stayed in his marriage after his wife cheated on him several times and even had a child with one of her lovers. They were on the brink of divorce and was separated for a time. But then he went back because he was comfortable and now that he's old, he's not interested in starting over. Starting over means having to learn someone's habits, getting used to someone else's flaws, and putting effort in himself. He and the wife don't love each other like that anymore but they're used to each other. It doesn't bother him anymore that she comes and goes as she pleases, and he does the same. It is actually quite liberating to have no expectations but still know that person won't leave, and you can still have them do favors from time to time. In a nutshell, it is a marriage of convenience but works for them and the children they have together.

[Believe_N_Me]

I heard from somewhere that men choose the woman they feel the most comfortable with. This is so they can be the worst version of themselves without fear of abandonment. 

I actually believe this is true. There are a lot of men who love to fantasize about their dream girl, and won't miss the opportunity to flirt or even cheat with the women who they're highly attracted to. But will they marry this woman? Nope.

They go home to the woman who will take their crap. Now this doesn't mean that she doesn't get in his face and incite arguments. It's the fact that she won't leave and keeps serving him - and that's why he'll choose her time and time again. He will just tune her out as long as she still takes care of everything else.

It's about power and ego. Their dreamgirl makes them feel too vulnerable. They're afraid that she will abandon them. It's more comfortable to be with a woman who isn't on their level and cheat with someone who is.

[JonniJacko]

Just because you check off all the boxes on someone's list, it doesn't mean that they want to be with you. Especially when it's obvious they put a lot more effort (action) into a relationship that was supposedly toxic according to them. It just means they wish the other person had your traits and are using your energy so they can deal with the dysfunction at home. The other person is who they're comfortable with and will choose to be with. 

My friend told me that he stayed in his marriage after his wife cheated on him several times and even had a child with one of her lovers. They were on the brink of divorce and was separated for a time. But then he went back because he was comfortable and now that he's old, he's not interested in starting over. Starting over means having to learn someone's habits, getting used to someone else's flaws, and putting effort in himself. He and the wife don't love each other like that anymore but they're used to each other. It doesn't bother him anymore that she comes and goes as she pleases, and he does the same. It is actually quite liberating to have no expectations but still know that person won't leave, and you can still have them do favors from time to time. In a nutshell, it is a marriage of convenience but works for them and the children they have together.

Yes, it's not uncommon these days for couples who have cheated on each other to reconcile. To some, their relationship only gets stronger and deeper from it, if it's a one time thing...You know, one or two or both were too busy working, one or both lacks the emotional need, comes a very sexually appealing co-worker, heck, they see this co-worker more than their spouse...and well you know the rest of the story...hahaha

But, I don't know..Some men, I feel are insecure. Like a lot of Hmong dudes I know...They have a wife, kids...They call these young girls overseas with their prepaid cell phones..LOL  knowing nothing is gonna come out from it...But to them, it's like brushing their game, feeling good for themselves..be ing entertain and feeling validated..etc ...Truth is, if their wife leaves or cheats on them, they will lose their balls....lol

Yeah, people just need to be honest and upfront...with their real intentions. Some are okay with flings, dates, having fun...But someone eventually gets hurt...so only mess with someone who is serious and shown they don't fuke around...like literally too....lol

[JonniJacko]

I heard from somewhere that men choose the woman they feel the most comfortable with. This is so they can be the worst version of themselves without fear of abandonment. 

I actually believe this is true. There are a lot of men who love to fantasize about their dream girl, and won't miss the opportunity to flirt or even cheat with the women who they're highly attracted to. But will they marry this woman? Nope.

They go home to the woman who will take their crap. Now this doesn't mean that she doesn't get in his face and incite arguments. It's the fact that she won't leave and keeps serving him - and that's why he'll choose her time and time again. He will just tune her out as long as she still takes care of everything else.

It's about power and ego. Their dreamgirl makes them feel too vulnerable. They're afraid that she will abandon them. It's more comfortable to be with a woman who isn't on their level and cheat with someone who is.

It make sense to the Average Joes....lols. I came across a youtube video of a guy who talks about "handsome men " game, and how Handsome men would failed miserably with conventional dating approaches designed to help the average Joe emit attraction..LO L

Basically he said, Handsome men just needs to say what is needed, and have a high sexual appeal and energy and is 120% sure of himself. LOL I find it true..when Im 120%, I don't need to do anything or say much...but as soon as I talk too much or cracked too many  jokes....it kills the preconceive value women in general have for handsome, successful men...

But I'm gonna be a kid forever..I don't wanna grow up...haha

[Believe_N_Me]

I don't believe their love grows stronger and deeper. It's more like trauma bond. They've already been the worst versions of themselves to each other and now there is no secrecy, but there is also no pressure to be good. For a lot of people, that is very liberating and creates a comfortable environment.

When people get to a level where they are being very horrible, it actually scares them to try to start new. They're afraid the new person will find out how dirty they can be in a relationship and won't accept that version.

I believe this is why a lot of Hmong OGs stay. It's not because they love each other but because they're too tired to start over, which would require them to put effort into impressing someone with no guarantees that it will even work out. Also, if the other person is an older single (divorced, widowed, or has been in a lot of relationships), they also have a lot of baggage so why not just stay with the current person whom you're already familiar with their crap?

Unless of course, it's a younger person oversea. Looks like that younger person's attention makes them feel young again.

[Believe_N_Me]

Transactional marriages/relationships do have staying power because there is very few emotions involved. That takes off the pressure for both people.

I just listened to a Nancy Yang story that was about a man whose been married 7 times and divorced 6. So far, the last wife seems to be going okay because it's all about convenience. What happened was that he decided to no longer make attraction a priority, as long as he wasn't completely repulsed by the woman. His libido had been shot a long time ago anyways and so he knew dating for attraction wasn't going to work in his favor anyways.

Anyways, the widow of an older relative kept asking him to come help around her farm and rental properties. One day she made an advance at him and made a proposal. She was looking for a man to help around and be a companion. She didn't care that his private part was disfigured and that he couldn't put it up anymore. The man, seeing that he wasn't financially stable and didn't have his life put together, saw that it was a good setup for him and agreed to her proposition.

He says that he is finally at peace. Of course, he is. There are no expectations. He isn't emotionally vulnerable towards her. He views her as a housemate who sometimes may or may not have sex with and will perform wifely responsibiliti es to give him stability. She isn't looking for romantic love either, just a man to do man's work and accompany her to family events so that she has some status.

[JonniJacko]

I don't believe their love grows stronger and deeper. It's more like trauma bond. They've already been the worst versions of themselves to each other and now there is no secrecy, but there is also no pressure to be good. For a lot of people, that is very liberating and creates a comfortable environment.

When people get to a level where they are being very horrible, it actually scares them to try to start new. They're afraid the new person will find out how dirty they can be in a relationship and won't accept that version.

I believe this is why a lot of Hmong OGs stay. It's not because they love each other but because they're too tired to start over, which would require them to put effort into impressing someone with no guarantees that it will even work out. Also, if the other person is an older single (divorced, widowed, or has been in a lot of relationships), they also have a lot of baggage so why not just stay with the current person whom you're already familiar with their crap?

Unless of course, it's a younger person oversea. Looks like that younger person's attention makes them feel young again.

Hmmm...yeah... maybe...to some yes. But to ALan Jackson, it was the real test of love....haha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0VuYu2qlBw

[JonniJacko]

Transactional marriages/relationships do have staying power because there is very few emotions involved. That takes off the pressure for both people.

I just listened to a Nancy Yang story that was about a man whose been married 7 times and divorced 6. So far, the last wife seems to be going okay because it's all about convenience. What happened was that he decided to no longer make attraction a priority, as long as he wasn't completely repulsed by the woman. His libido had been shot a long time ago anyways and so he knew dating for attraction wasn't going to work in his favor anyways.

Anyways, the widow of an older relative kept asking him to come help around her farm and rental properties. One day she made an advance at him and made a proposal. She was looking for a man to help around and be a companion. She didn't care that his private part was disfigured and that he couldn't put it up anymore. The man, seeing that he wasn't financially stable and didn't have his life put together, saw that it was a good setup for him and agreed to her proposition.

He says that he is finally at peace. Of course, he is. There are no expectations. He isn't emotionally vulnerable towards her. He views her as a housemate who sometimes may or may not have sex with and will perform wifely responsibiliti es to give him stability. She isn't looking for romantic love either, just a man to do man's work and accompany her to family events so that she has some status.

Nancy Yang is not a very good story teller....Ever yone knows the real reason for those type of relationships. ..she wants money, he wants sex...LOL

[Believe_N_Me]

Nancy Yang is hilarious! I don't like May Vang. Her voice puts me to sleep and every story is a sob story. I prefer Jenny Vang, Mab Yaj, and Nancy Yang.

Anyways, no, this guy doesn't have money. All his previous relationships took too much out of him because he invested too much into them only for the wives to leave him high and dry. He is with the widower because she can provide stability. She already has a house, money, and is willing to perform traditional wifely duties in exchange to have his company when needed and his labor to take care of her businesses/properties.

I'm a bit confused about his situation though. He said that he had children. Did he take the children to live with the widower, too? Or were they grown up and out of the house by then? What had happened was that after his 2nd wife left, he got the house. He told his parents to be the caretakers and help him raise the children while he moved to another state to work on himself. The children also frequently went to stay at their mom's home. It sounded like he never took his children into any of the subsequent marriages. I think the kids went between their grandparents and mom the whole time because he wanted them to have stability. He was parenting from a distance.

[JonniJacko]

Nancy Yang is hilarious! I don't like May Vang. Her voice puts me to sleep and every story is a sob story. I prefer Jenny Vang, Mab Yaj, and Nancy Yang.

Anyways, no, this guy doesn't have money. All his previous relationships took too much out of him because he invested too much into them only for the wives to leave him high and dry. He is with the widower because she can provide stability. She already has a house, money, and is willing to perform traditional wifely duties in exchange to have his company when needed and his labor to take care of her businesses/properties.

I'm a bit confused about his situation though. He said that he had children. Did he take the children to live with the widower, too? Or were they grown up and out of the house by then? What had happened was that after his 2nd wife left, he got the house. He told his parents to be the caretakers and help him raise the children while he moved to another state to work on himself. The children also frequently went to stay at their mom's home. It sounded like he never took his children into any of the subsequent marriages. I think the kids went between their grandparents and mom the whole time because he wanted them to have stability. He was parenting from a distance.

Must be because of his package size down there then. LOL Circumstances will change people's standards due to the fear of being alone. Whatever works, but in this case, both parties had probably exhausted their options or their world is coming to a end...and having companionship is priority to them. Something is better than nothing...haha

These new breeds are kids are different though. I work with a bunch of them and most are just so angry for existing...LOL For sure, they will be like, nope, don't know don't care- I'm dying alone if I have to....hahaha I think most just don't feel the need to have a partner as much. This shift in in human evolution might mean a decline in marriages, population, and possibly to a revolution....

Only the Universe knows...haha

[Believe_N_Me]

lol

How did you know that it had to do with his package size? You are correct!

That's why he settled for that widower because she claimed that it wasn't important to her. It made sense to the both of them to be together. She already had an amazing life with her late husband, who was the love of her life. Now she was in the season of having a man to help her with her properties. lol and also to accompany her to family gatherings. She didn't have a strong desire to feel loved, beautiful, attractive, etc. and romanced. She was really looking for a responsible guy to work around the house.

And that dude wanted a traditional woman who will be at home, cook dinner, do laundry, and leave him alone. Oh and have a stable place for him to live because he said all the other relationships ruined him financially and sexually lol (you must hear how!). He wasted $10k on an engagement ring to the 6th girlfriend only to have her call off the wedding.

[JonniJacko]

lol

How did you know that it had to do with his package size? You are correct!

That's why he settled for that widower because she claimed that it wasn't important to her. It made sense to the both of them to be together. She already had an amazing life with her late husband, who was the love of her life. Now she was in the season of having a man to help her with her properties. lol and also to accompany her to family gatherings. She didn't have a strong desire to feel loved, beautiful, attractive, etc. and romanced. She was really looking for a responsible guy to work around the house.

And that dude wanted a traditional woman who will be at home, cook dinner, do laundry, and leave him alone. Oh and have a stable place for him to live because he said all the other relationships ruined him financially and sexually lol (you must hear how!). He wasted $10k on an engagement ring to the 6th girlfriend only to have her call off the wedding.

What I am saying is, I don't know if this story is true...LOL I mean...I can see two people who's been through thick and thin since high school, with so many memories, good and bad, still co-existing even without physical attraction or intimacy no more...But I just can't see two people who's been through many lows, coming together at much later stages in life, for the sake of companionship. ..haha But you know, people are different..hah a maybe some people reach those golden moments faster...

A friend of mines is a nurse, and he said, sometimes they get patients where nobody visits...these elderly patient he tend to tells him the same...They don't think about loving others, forgiving, etc until now, when nobody comes to visit them, not even children...hah a

So the fear of being alone can be high for some....and to some they see it before it's too late.

[Believe_N_Me]

Only Jenny Vang knows if the story is true or not because the person calls in their story. 

[JonniJacko]

A transactional union can be or is probably a better option for some, if not most out there. Esp, if one or both parties have gone through many highs and lows in life. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, well just another low in life....LOL but it shouldn't mean one should give up on the faith that they're capable of loving and being love again after love....or is it life after love? haha

Life was not meant to be happy. It was really meant to be hard....Only the universe knows why. It wouldn't be exciting anymore if we all know why. LOL Someone said to me once, it's actually the stress, daily grind, and hate for things and others that is keeping some people alive....I think it's most people...LMAO