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Messages - Believe_N_Me

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When you're 45+ years old, you want a spouse who fulfills you intellectually, spiritually, and physically. This is the person whom you're going to be hanging out with most of the time. At this age, people don't go out as much with friends and so who you pick for a spouse is important. You want someone compatible and who will give you peace.

I don't need to know everything about my spouse, but we can only get to that point when a lot of trust has already been established. If he gives me anxiety then it just isn't going to work out. I might love him but he's not good for my health.

One of my older sister-in-law says that a man will never get rid of a good woman who keeps sticking around. Good, meaning that she does the cooking, cleaning, pay the bills, etc. He might not love her or find her all that exciting anymore, but he has a use for her and if she keeps staying despite the fact that he's lost all affection and is courting other women, then that is on her. The guy I'm talking about is definitely keeping this woman around as an unmarried niam loj. lol She is his main supply while he gives affection and attention to other women, whom he most likely has no intentions of committing to either.

I just lost my appetite.

Marriage & Family Life / Re: Family
« on: May 06, 2024, 11:20:31 AM »
obligation is different from free will though. If one is going to feel obligated, they shouldn't even create a family.

If people don't understand that they have an obligation to their spouse and their children then they really shouldn't create a family.

Every couple has their secrets, but assuming that the problems aren't too big, the couples I know who have good marriages are builders. What that means to each couple can be different things. But in the end they always have a goal that they're trying to reach as a couple.

The ones who have a lot of dysfunction aren't building together. They don't work as a unit. They just exist to exist.

This is why I believe, as do marriage counselors, that it's so important to find a man who has goals and wants to build. Otherwise, he'll just end up stringing you along until he's no longer excited about you. Now there are men who will keep a woman around even though he's no longer excited about her because she does the work for him. These are men with niam loj, niam yau. I actually know a dude who never married his girlfriend of 10 years. He claims to not be in love with her but it looks like he doesn't plan to move out of her house either. She has given him a lot of stability over the years, and he's already bonded with her family. He keeps his options open and has initiated relationships, claiming that he would marry if the right one comes along. Obviously, it never works out because he intends to keep the girlfriend in the picture - kind of like a niam loj.

Marriage & Family Life / Re: Opposite Sex Friends
« on: May 06, 2024, 11:06:40 AM »
It's hard to maintain being that of an acquaintance if you are
opposite sexes. Feelings will draw you out of that into the friendship
status and then into a third, perhaps even a fourth--lovers and then
spouses--respectively. (Beyond that, of course, ex-spouses for many.)

I was first an acquaintance to a woman. We only knew each other
in the community and respected each other so. She was married
and I wasn't.

Then I became a friend when she had domestic issues with
her husband. He had taken on another woman.

Notice I wrote that "I became a friend", not that "she became
a friend."

I kept my position as an acquaintance but she didn't. She
kept calling me to talk about their situation and even
cried to me over the phone. One day she admitted to me
that she missed me and that she has accidentally told
him that she missed me.

There was no reason to do that unless you were seeking validation. (Or hoping to become her other man lol)

Marriage & Family Life / Re: No one loves you more than your spouse
« on: May 06, 2024, 10:56:08 AM »
The right one is someone who actually desires and wants to be in a commitment.

There are too many people who enter a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because they're attracted to each other and it's convenient for them to do so, but neither (or at least one of them) hasn't even considered commitment. What happens is that over time, one person feels like they're being used for their time and the other person feels pressured. This unalignment will create a lot of tension and typically leads to a breakup.

Marriage & Family Life / Re: Opposite Sex Friends
« on: May 03, 2024, 11:51:20 PM »
Cheating is already hurtful but when you discover that the other man/woman is a friend or someone who was around you and your family, that hurts twice as much. The betrayal hits harder. In fact, they don't even have to have been cheating with each other. The fact that they would date after your relationship ended is still offensive. It also says that these two people lack a lot of integrity.

Marriage & Family Life / Re: Opposite Sex Friends
« on: May 03, 2024, 11:46:40 PM »
Questions to ask if your spouse claims s/he is just a "friend":

Marriage & Family Life / Re: Opposite Sex Friends
« on: May 03, 2024, 11:33:31 PM »

Marriage & Family Life / Opposite Sex Friends
« on: May 03, 2024, 12:04:27 PM »
I'm very old school and don't think it's healthy for spouses to have opposite gender friends. Of course, people have their own definition of what a friend is. A friend to me is someone whom you feel comfortable opening up to, spend time with, and can rely on for favors. So as you can see, having an opposite gender friend (per my definition) creates an opportunity for emotional cheating, which can lead to physical cheating.

Now if you're talking about opposite gender acquaintance then that is a totally different thing. An acquaintance to me is someone you know (as in you can identify who they are), but on a very formal and professional level only. You're not comfortable opening up to them because they are essentially still a stranger and one whom you have no inclination to know better. You only come across them on a professional level. Very transactional only.

Having said that, it's even more disrespectful to a spouse or you to keep opposite gender friends who are attracted to you and would not hesitate to entertain you. I'm sick and tired of the people who say, "just because s/he likes me doesn't mean that I like her/him. Why are you so insecure?"

While that may be true that you don't have the feels for them, it raises questions why you/your spouse need to keep the crushes in orbit. Other than to feed your own ego, lift your self-esteem, and to manipulate your spouse to fear that you have options. And honestly, if you or your spouse claim that it doesn't cause insecurity then you probably have a transactional marriage where they don't have deep feelings for you, and are only with you because you supply basic needs for them. And if that's why you got married and it's working for you then by all means, go with your transactional marriage.

However, all in all, it is just plain disrespectful to your spouse and your relationship to keep around people who aren't adding to your marriage.

Marriage & Family Life / Re: No one loves you more than your spouse
« on: May 02, 2024, 12:19:04 PM »
I've said it before. The men I meet who were in long-term cohabitation are so very broken in comparison to the divorced men.

Divorced guys have a different type of wound. Note: I'm not talking about the liars and cheaters who sabotaged their own marriage. Anyways, they still feel hopeful about commitment. They know that they were just with a person who checked out. And like I said, divorced guys court differently, too. They don't have all these expectations to play house before commitment. This is very different with men who just dated long-term girlfriends. These guys want to play house. They want you to put in all this effort and investment BEFORE the commitment, to see if they want to commit to you. In other words, they want the milk and the cow before they want to buy. Most of the time, they don't buy the cow afterwards because they're only looking for flaws. They end up creating a lot of anxiety in the woman. They're used to these freebies and have a harder time of bonding. Whereas the men who had to buy the cow first, understand that you have to buy the cow first before you can drink the milk.

And the guys who know they have to buy the cow first value their time as well. They don't want to keep drinking milk that they're unsure about. 

Marriage & Family Life / Re: No one loves you more than your spouse
« on: May 02, 2024, 12:10:31 PM »
Perhaps I'm not expressing myself in ways that is understood by most people. We've become too programmed by rom-coms, Disney, books, etc.

What I'm saying is that in order to have the most satisfying type of love is a marriage rooted in deep affection, admiration, and appreciation for each other. However, two people should not have to take years that include sex, spending a lot of time together, and playing house to know if they want marriage with each other. After enjoying each other's presence through conversations (and this can include being physically present), you should know that you want to do all the aforementioned with them. If you do, then you should start considering marriage because you really should only be doing those things within the context of a marriage.

The majority of people who play house before marriage end up very broken, and they carry that into all subsequent relationships, including marriage. This has already been proven true by marriage counselors, experts, coaches, etc.

When you sleep and spend time with someone, your body and your actions are making a non-verbal promise. This is where misunderstandi ngs happen and then people become broken. Even if they eventually move on to find someone else, the scar is always there. Very few people can move on from their ex(es) and it seems that the more toxic past relationships they've had, the more broken they are.

These are people who get into relationships (or rather "situationships") for the sake of breaking up.

Marriage & Family Life / Re: No one loves you more than your spouse
« on: May 01, 2024, 03:51:09 PM »
But I do agree that if your husband doesn't love you then you should love yourself first and get out.

Marriage & Family Life / Re: No one loves you more than your spouse
« on: May 01, 2024, 03:15:47 PM »
That's a lie women are telling themselves, thinking no one outside of their spouse will/can love them.  The world is full of men but I think for women to find that person/love, we need to value ourself, not be like a fish dying without water, a woman dying without the love of a man.  The key to finding love is be yourself, value yourself and a man will value you.  If he does not, he's not the one.  A man who truly values you will find a treasure in you.

When a woman says that she loves herself more and doesn't need a man, that means not getting involved in a situation or having a boyfriend, and that she will only give herself to a man who is her husband.

The woman who says that she doesn't need a man but agrees to be someone's girlfriend is only setting herself up to be strung along. That's what our mothers meant when they say that no one loves you more than your spouse. A lot of women give away themselves as a girlfriend, only to find out that the boyfriend was never all that committed (or doesn't feel like he is has much obligations to her).

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