PebHmong Discussion Forum
Creative Corner => Poetic Souls => Topic started by: Lady_Fallin on December 20, 2010, 12:57:03 PM
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I remember a professor once said shorter poems make the best impact. Revise this poem into a more simple, and powerful poem. Feel free to delete, or add. :)
First Round:
My neighbor’s lawn is lusty green, ridden of rainbow’s hues, and golden sparks. Mine lies beside it: an entangled jungle of blues, and the Lion’s Tooth. I get the feeling that my neighbor despises the lack of manicure for my lawn, though. But, I found beauty in the way the weeds wiggled their prevalent souls out of the dirt, portraying proses and poetry, staging sassy psalms of survival. “See me shine between this sea of emeralds. See weedy me thrive between your beloved. I’m beautiful too! I shall live!” They echoed…
So, I kept them from dying.
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too many details, i can't see anything :knuppel2:
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I remember a professor once said shorter poems make the best impact. Revise this poem into a more simple, and powerful poem. Feel free to delete, or add. :)
First Round:
My neighbor’s lawn is lusty green, ridden of rainbow’s hues, and golden sparks. Mine lies beside it: an entangled jungle of blues, and the Lion’s Tooth. I get the feeling that my neighbor despises the lack of manicure for my lawn, though. But, I found beauty in the way the weeds wiggled their prevalent souls out of the dirt, portraying proses and poetry, staging sassy psalms of survival. “See me shine between this sea of emeralds. See weedy me thrive between your beloved. I’m beautiful too! I shall live!” They echoed…
So, I kept them from dying.
Beyond my green, there lies a flora of rainbow
My various shades of verde, an uncultivated show
It spites and contradicts the norm adjacent
Yet beauty in its own way thats magnificent
The hardy weed is symbolic of my nature
Like myself, I have my own culture
I live today much like how the weed start
I know how I appreciate the beauty of art
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too many details, i can't see anything :knuppel2:
That is the point. Now, you fix it. :D
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I remember a professor once said shorter poems make the best impact. Revise this poem into a more simple, and powerful poem. Feel free to delete, or add. :)
First Round:
My neighbor’s lawn is lusty green, ridden of rainbow’s hues, and golden sparks. Mine lies beside it: an entangled jungle of blues, and the Lion’s Tooth. I get the feeling that my neighbor despises the lack of manicure for my lawn, though. But, I found beauty in the way the weeds wiggled their prevalent souls out of the dirt, portraying proses and poetry, staging sassy psalms of survival. “See me shine between this sea of emeralds. See weedy me thrive between your beloved. I’m beautiful too! I shall live!” They echoed…
So, I kept them from dying.
My neighbor's lawn sing songs
his glaring eyes sends evil rays at mines
I keep watering
My weeds laugh at him
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tell e if u like it ; )
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My neighbor's lawn sing songs
his glaring eyes sends evil rays at mines
I keep watering
My weeds laugh at him
Wow! I like it. Very powerful, and gets the message across. :) I like the comedy, too. :D
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First Round:
My neighbor’s lawn is lusty green, ridden of rainbow’s hues, and golden sparks. Mine lies beside it: an entangled jungle of blues, and the Lion’s Tooth. I get the feeling that my neighbor despises the lack of manicure for my lawn, though. But, I found beauty in the way the weeds wiggled their prevalent souls out of the dirt, portraying proses and poetry, staging sassy psalms of survival. “See me shine between this sea of emeralds. See weedy me thrive between your beloved. I’m beautiful too! I shall live!” They echoed…
So, I kept them from dying.
my neighbor's lawn, town's golden prize...
the jungle side, of which mine lies...
is just as nice, within my eyes...